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The Passing of Years
The sun was just peaking over the horizon as Night Light gazed lovingly into his wife's eyes. Twilight Velvet looked exhausted. There were bags under her eyes, her hair was a mess, and her fur was matted with sweat. And yet, as the first rays of light shone through the hospital room window, she'd never looked quite so beautiful. She was definitely one of the two most important mares in his life.
The other mare was currently nestled against his wife's barrel, a splotch of purple standing out against her off-white coat. The newborn's chest rose and fell gently as she slept through her first morning.
“Night Light, Shining, meet the newest member of our family, Twilight Sparkle.” Velvet smiled lovingly at her family.
“She's so small!” Night Light barely registered Shining's excited exclamation, his focus solely on his daughter.
“Hello darling. I'm you're daddy. And I'm going to love and protect you forever.” He whispered as he gently nuzzled the tiny filly.
“… and then, whoosh! The sun came up! That was so amazing! Do you think...”
Night Light smiled tiredly at the little filly bouncing in excitement next to him him. It was the morning after the Summer Sun Celebration, and despite being up all night, Twilight Sparkle was filled with exuberant energy and chattering up a storm.
Beside him, Velvet caught his eye and smiled.
“She'll collapse as soon as we get home, I'm sure.” She whispered with a grin.
Night Light just nodded, careful not to wake Shining, already fast asleep on his back. He was tired, bordering on exhausted. Spending all night wrangling two rambunctious foals had taken its toll. Still, he smiled.
This, this right here, right now, surrounded by his family…
This was happiness.
Night Light took a slow sip of his coffee, his eyes staring blankly out the window. Across the kitchen table his wife listlessly shoveled a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth. Silence reigned.
For the first time in years, the couple had awoken to an empty house.
Velvet sighed, breaking the silence.
“I knew we'd be empty nesters someday, but I never expected it to be so soon.”
Night Light nodded in agreement, gaze still distant.
“Velvet... Did we do the right thing? Letting her go?”
“She's going to be Princess Celestia's personal student. It's a great honor!” Velvet insisted, but there was no fire in her voice.
“But she's still just a child! Shining is practically a stallion, but Twilight is still our baby girl!” His eyes never left the window, staring at Canterlot castle in the distance.
“How can I protect her when she's so far away?” He whispered softly
Twilight Velvet didn't say a word. She just moved to stand beside her husband, placing a hoof on his shoulder.
The couple sat in silence, staring at the distant castle.
Night Light stared blearily at the unfamiliar ceiling above him. Still half asleep, he glanced around the opulently furnished bedroom he found himself in. It took him a few moments to remember where he was, and why.
It was the morning after the coronation.
His baby girl. His little purple filly. The tiny ball of fluff he'd promised to love and protect forever.
A princess.
An alicorn princess.
A quiet yawn drew him from his thoughts, and he turned to give the lovely mare beside him a kiss.
“Good morning dear.” Velvet murmured.
“Morning love.”
The two of them snuggled together, content to enjoy the warmth of the sheets, and of each other. Together they stared at the ceiling, both lost in thought.
“Do you remember when we first saw her?” Velvet asked suddenly.
“Of course.” A smile crossed his muzzle. “She was so small and fragile looking. Even smaller than Shining was.”
“She was always so energetic though. Do you remember her first Summer Sun Celebration?”
“I remember you saying she'd fall asleep as soon as we got home.” He chuckled wryly. “She was so excited, she was up for hours.”
Velvet giggled at the memory.
“Do you think we did right by her, Velvet?” Night Light asked suddenly, a worried note in his voice. “Letting Celestia take her so young? Did we visit often enough? Give her enough hugs? Tell her we loved her enough? She grew up so fast without us...”
“She's healthy, happy, successful, and loved.” Velvet smiled softly. “I'd say we did okay.”
“She's still our little baby girl though.” Night Light muttered. Velvet smiled and nodded.
“Yes. Always.”
The other mare was currently nestled against his wife's barrel, a splotch of purple standing out against her off-white coat. The newborn's chest rose and fell gently as she slept through her first morning.
“Night Light, Shining, meet the newest member of our family, Twilight Sparkle.” Velvet smiled lovingly at her family.
“She's so small!” Night Light barely registered Shining's excited exclamation, his focus solely on his daughter.
“Hello darling. I'm you're daddy. And I'm going to love and protect you forever.” He whispered as he gently nuzzled the tiny filly.
“… and then, whoosh! The sun came up! That was so amazing! Do you think...”
Night Light smiled tiredly at the little filly bouncing in excitement next to him him. It was the morning after the Summer Sun Celebration, and despite being up all night, Twilight Sparkle was filled with exuberant energy and chattering up a storm.
Beside him, Velvet caught his eye and smiled.
“She'll collapse as soon as we get home, I'm sure.” She whispered with a grin.
Night Light just nodded, careful not to wake Shining, already fast asleep on his back. He was tired, bordering on exhausted. Spending all night wrangling two rambunctious foals had taken its toll. Still, he smiled.
This, this right here, right now, surrounded by his family…
This was happiness.
Night Light took a slow sip of his coffee, his eyes staring blankly out the window. Across the kitchen table his wife listlessly shoveled a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth. Silence reigned.
For the first time in years, the couple had awoken to an empty house.
Velvet sighed, breaking the silence.
“I knew we'd be empty nesters someday, but I never expected it to be so soon.”
Night Light nodded in agreement, gaze still distant.
“Velvet... Did we do the right thing? Letting her go?”
“She's going to be Princess Celestia's personal student. It's a great honor!” Velvet insisted, but there was no fire in her voice.
“But she's still just a child! Shining is practically a stallion, but Twilight is still our baby girl!” His eyes never left the window, staring at Canterlot castle in the distance.
“How can I protect her when she's so far away?” He whispered softly
Twilight Velvet didn't say a word. She just moved to stand beside her husband, placing a hoof on his shoulder.
The couple sat in silence, staring at the distant castle.
Night Light stared blearily at the unfamiliar ceiling above him. Still half asleep, he glanced around the opulently furnished bedroom he found himself in. It took him a few moments to remember where he was, and why.
It was the morning after the coronation.
His baby girl. His little purple filly. The tiny ball of fluff he'd promised to love and protect forever.
A princess.
An alicorn princess.
A quiet yawn drew him from his thoughts, and he turned to give the lovely mare beside him a kiss.
“Good morning dear.” Velvet murmured.
“Morning love.”
The two of them snuggled together, content to enjoy the warmth of the sheets, and of each other. Together they stared at the ceiling, both lost in thought.
“Do you remember when we first saw her?” Velvet asked suddenly.
“Of course.” A smile crossed his muzzle. “She was so small and fragile looking. Even smaller than Shining was.”
“She was always so energetic though. Do you remember her first Summer Sun Celebration?”
“I remember you saying she'd fall asleep as soon as we got home.” He chuckled wryly. “She was so excited, she was up for hours.”
Velvet giggled at the memory.
“Do you think we did right by her, Velvet?” Night Light asked suddenly, a worried note in his voice. “Letting Celestia take her so young? Did we visit often enough? Give her enough hugs? Tell her we loved her enough? She grew up so fast without us...”
“She's healthy, happy, successful, and loved.” Velvet smiled softly. “I'd say we did okay.”
“She's still our little baby girl though.” Night Light muttered. Velvet smiled and nodded.
“Yes. Always.”
Ah. The first story I’ve seen that uses multiple mornings after. This should be interesting.
A fine tribute to two criminally underutilized characters. Shining had to get his protective streak from someone; making it his father is quite fitting. I would love to see more of this; Night Light’s reaction to Twilight moving to Ponyville should certainly be something to see. Still, even this paints a lovely image. Great work.
A fine tribute to two criminally underutilized characters. Shining had to get his protective streak from someone; making it his father is quite fitting. I would love to see more of this; Night Light’s reaction to Twilight moving to Ponyville should certainly be something to see. Still, even this paints a lovely image. Great work.
Very nice:
I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, author, and suggest adding scenes focusing on Twilight's other accomplishments. I'd even go so far as to have the story conclude with the two spending the night for the first time in Twilight's castle so you can get in their reactions to the battle with Tirek. The only thing that made me frown, in fact, was the recap at the end, the couple of lines where you tell us stuff we already saw not too many paragraphs before.
Mike
I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, author, and suggest adding scenes focusing on Twilight's other accomplishments. I'd even go so far as to have the story conclude with the two spending the night for the first time in Twilight's castle so you can get in their reactions to the battle with Tirek. The only thing that made me frown, in fact, was the recap at the end, the couple of lines where you tell us stuff we already saw not too many paragraphs before.
Mike
The best praise I can lay down here is that this story whets an appetite for Twilight's parents that I didn't even know I had. In retrospect they should be an obvious target for emotional exploration, given the dangerous but dignified positions both their children end up with, but it's not something I can recall seeing anywhere.
Good job.
Good job.
Genre: Heartstring tuggin'
Thoughts: I felt a huge amount of emotional resonance with this, perhaps given that I'm a parent as well, and I can imagine what the characters are experiencing. This tugged my heartstrings pretty hard, and I suspect that was rather the point, so kudos to you, Author.
With that said, I felt like the conclusion didn't quite tie things together thematically, which caused it to lack some oomph. There's an early theme of protectiveness that doesn't really get wrapped-up; it's mentioned and set aside, but I'm not convinced that Night Light is as persuaded by the counterpoint about Twilight turning out all right as the narrative makes him out to be. Wouldn't he have long since made his peace with that issue, or if not, then how would Velvet's quick rebuttal bring him around?
But look, the bigger point is that the story's good enough that we can quibble over such things.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I felt a huge amount of emotional resonance with this, perhaps given that I'm a parent as well, and I can imagine what the characters are experiencing. This tugged my heartstrings pretty hard, and I suspect that was rather the point, so kudos to you, Author.
With that said, I felt like the conclusion didn't quite tie things together thematically, which caused it to lack some oomph. There's an early theme of protectiveness that doesn't really get wrapped-up; it's mentioned and set aside, but I'm not convinced that Night Light is as persuaded by the counterpoint about Twilight turning out all right as the narrative makes him out to be. Wouldn't he have long since made his peace with that issue, or if not, then how would Velvet's quick rebuttal bring him around?
But look, the bigger point is that the story's good enough that we can quibble over such things.
Tier: Strong
You mean "peeking" (trust me)... and "your". There are a few others throughout, so have somepony help you proof.
This is creative: I can't remember any of the other stories doing multiple "morning after" scenes like this. I like it.
I don't like the ending, though. You're restating the rest of the story in a telly fashion. It needs more depth than two parents deciding they probably did things right. It also seems unlikely they'd waffle on that idea, given that both children are powerful royalty now, arguably the two most successful ponies in all of Equestria who weren't alicorns last year. How could they possibly think they'd done them wrong?
My suggestion for a fix: add in a scene before Twi's coronation for the morning after Shining marries and becomes royalty. Add one before that where he becomes accepted to (or maybe when he becomes Captain of) the royal guard. Have the last scene be very short and simple, with two parents happy, where nothing needs to be spoken between them.
This is creative: I can't remember any of the other stories doing multiple "morning after" scenes like this. I like it.
I don't like the ending, though. You're restating the rest of the story in a telly fashion. It needs more depth than two parents deciding they probably did things right. It also seems unlikely they'd waffle on that idea, given that both children are powerful royalty now, arguably the two most successful ponies in all of Equestria who weren't alicorns last year. How could they possibly think they'd done them wrong?
My suggestion for a fix: add in a scene before Twi's coronation for the morning after Shining marries and becomes royalty. Add one before that where he becomes accepted to (or maybe when he becomes Captain of) the royal guard. Have the last scene be very short and simple, with two parents happy, where nothing needs to be spoken between them.
The ending is definitely the weak point. Not only does it recap things we've just read, people don't talk to each other like that. I like >>Baal Bunny's suggestion of including a scene after the battle with Tirek, which would tie in nicely with the theme of protectiveness (which as others have said, is left hanging).
Furthermore, the dialogue tags need cleaning up in several places.
Cute story, though!
Furthermore, the dialogue tags need cleaning up in several places.
Cute story, though!
This story does lots of things right, especially the ideas on display. However, I think it could be even stronger. Consider; you've got four scenes here. The point of the first is to set up the premise, the second is to re-enforce it, and the forth is the wrap-up. The third is the odd man out here; it kinda duplicates the fourth, but it doesn't actually reach the conclusion. The fourth also re-iterates basically everything that happens so far, but doesn't really re-frame it, which doesn't add much. I feel like your second/third scenes need to be tweaked and shortened to make their points build on each other better, and the fourth scene should be shorter and more economical? Or maybe add a fifth scene with all the words you could save, maybe.
Great ideas, somewhat muddled execution.
Great ideas, somewhat muddled execution.
She was definitely one of the two most important mares in his life.
Between her and his mistress, it was hard for Night Light to say who was more important.
We're getting snapshots of Twiley's birth and growth, building up to the grand conclusion that she is now the immortal god-princess of friendship after being born a tiny fluffball. Something else that bridges the dourness of the empty nest scene and the peaceful bliss of the finale would probably do a lot to help that progression.
I like it overall. It's cute. Lots of cute stories this round. Lots of filly Twilight, too. Isn't that odd? It's like back in October when everyone and their grandmother wrote about Zephyr Breeze...
