You know what? I changed my mind.

I do have to comment on this one.

There's more to this story than the surface layer. Like cake. The connection to the prompt is deeper than Celestia pretending to like bad cake. She's pretending so much more.

And the line from the poet ties everything together. As much as I say that nobody should have to read a story a second time to "get it," I just wanted to read it again.

Banned for using the words “A howl in the dark”. It gave me PTSD.

...10/10

Cards on the table, I'm usually not a fan of changeling stories just because I hopped onto the MLP train back when everyone was writing changeling fics. So, to be honest I felt like this story doesn't quite bring much to to the table that I haven't seen before. The "accepting somebody for who they are" theme is a strong and simple idea, which is suited well for a minific. But using a changeling to convey this point just feels overly familiar to me. I'm afraid that as a result, I was kind of tempted to skim and see if there was going to be another twist.

I realize that this is basically entirely personal preference, though, so I'll keep that in mind while scoring.

Genre: Not a Changeling

Thoughts: I felt like this was a rough read up until the [ hr ] tag. It's not "bad" per se, it's just got some rough grammar and sentence structure. Plus we're getting introduced to an OC, double-plus that OC has a pretty big secret that affects what we learn about them and when. It doesn't really set a hook, and it feels like a lot of stuff is just happening out of nowhere.

I'm glad I held on through the break, though, because it gets really warm and heartfelt after that. I don't even know how to break it down in a critical/analytical fashion; it just feels right seeing Pinkie get friendly with the Cranky wedding changeling, and seeing them start to feel good about themselves and the world in response to Pinkie's friendship.

Tier: Almost There

I sort of want to like the idea of Discord eulogizing at Fluttershy's funeral, but I really don't feel like his voice comes through in this. The wrong phrases are contracted, and the wrong ones aren't. The tone is wrong.

And in the end, I'm really not sure what's going on? There's nothing but talking heads, and not enough information to figure out why he's laughing at the end.

Huh.

Genre: Monologue

Thoughts: There's a part of me that really likes this. It's quirky, and it feels very monologgy, but it's got moments that scratch my Fluttercord itch pretty well, y'know?

Ultimately, though, I think this gets pulled down by the weight of its format's limitations. Monologues need to sparkle like a sparkly thing if that's all we get. Yes technically it breaks into a dialogue at the end, but by that point it doesn't change enough things fast enough to leave a different impression. The ending swerve is pretty hand-wavy and could be a lot more satisfying.

I don't know, though. This is pretty effective for what it is, even as I find myself wanting more. Discord's pain and attachment come through loud and clear. Guess I need to stop second-guessing myself and just rank this thing.

Tier: Almost There.

Genre: Oroboro

Thoughts: Can I get something clarified here? Is the deal that Sunset has to go through the portal to close it and stop the cross-dimensional badness being threatened? Because right now I'm not really sure what courses of action our heroines are trying to choose between, or what their full set of consequences are. I feel like the story dances around this information but I'm dim enough to need more help.

If I could get another thing clarified, why is there a literal countdown clock on the thingy in question? It's a bit on the nose without more context around the device or whatnot that's counting down. It's the sort of thing where I'd have a much easier time buying that Sci-Twi set a timer on her phone based on her best guesstimate of when Bad Thing X is supposed to happen, unless I can have the scene set for me a bit more.

Now look, I don't really want to sit here and rag on the Author. But I feel like there's some key information missing, and the story is overall very dialogue-heavy besides. Otherwise though, I think this sets the stage for the kind of dramatic/emotional moment of separation it's aiming for. It's just that without those missing pieces, I have to fill in a lot of the blanks myself.

Speaking of which, why do they have to wait to wish something at the end? I fear I just don't get it.

Tier: Keep Developing

Genre: Corpse Removal

Thoughts: Ooo, this is very well-done. Absolutely everything's on point, from the minor trivia like Fluttershy being a year older than Pinkie, to the pace at which we get information drip-fed to us about the situation. Pinkie's characterization and background are great. Mrs. Cake is great. (Why am I finding so much good Mrs. Cake this round?) The ending blunts a little of the effectiveness by having the subject turn out to be someone so much more trivial than expected, but by that point the story has built enough favor to make me willing to take the final leap with it.

Tier: Top Contender

Genre: Latchkey Kid 3000

Thoughts: I can't help but wonder about A.K.'s home life given the sudden appearance of a son. Surely she doesn't just leave him alone for months at a time when she goes off on her adventures, but no one else seems to be watching him after she's been gone a while?

But then, while the first few paragraphs are lovely, they convey almost more of a horror tone than the rest of the story seems to want. I'm all for having an emotional journey in a story, but this borders on tonal whiplash right now.

I like the interplay between the two of them, though. Really, that's the strongest thing here. It's cute and fun once the story stops trying to head-fake toward horror or something. The quality of writing is pretty strong as well.

I find it hard to rate stories like this, where there's a lot of good that's balanced with distracting amounts of fridge logic. I want to go higher based on the good bits, but I kinda have to cap this for the other aspects.

Tier: Almost There.

This seems like it should have gone with the art Proud, if not as an only, then at least an also.

I'll echo Zaid's comments. This was a decent bit of drama with its cute moments, but could have used a little more focus.

The outer lock rolled slowly back
The servicemen were heard to sigh
For there revealed in flowing robes
Was Lucy in the sky

Stop taking pictures of the sky, Dubs.

I like the idea here, but I wanted to see it develop even further, to see how Trixie deals with it. I guess it would be kinda like Fight Club, but with magic tricks instead? Right now it kind of lingers on the same joke and then leaves, which is alright but could've been more.

While reading this I really wished the artwork could be moved to the top of the page in these rounds. I was confused for the first few sections, so then I skip to the end to see pic what it's based on, and then the context was much clearer. Feature, not a bug. Most people see the cover of a book, or the artwork on FimFic, before reading something.

and when I have to scroll down, I'm at risk of accidentally reading the last few lines and spoiling the ending. I really, really wish they could be moved to the top!

that said, I somehow managed to avoid spoiling the ending on this one. Unfortunately, while reading this I felt kind of impatient about the crucial hidden information. Who is this character and why is the story hiding it from me? And this time, I do think that's a flaw. But I can see what this story is trying to do with the reveal at the end, and I think it's pretty interesting on its own.

So I'm not saying to outright tell me everything about her upfront, but I need some kind of misdirection. Like a hint about what she's doing, or that she's searching for something? I mostly felt distracted, like "hurry up and tell me who she is," since I had no idea where the story was going.

After finishing it, I like the story more and could enjoy its creepy atmosphere, since I already understood what was going on. But that first reading could've been much more impactful. Suspense and confusion is just holding it back.

This is quite well written. Everything happening is clear, and I feel the emotion of the events. I have no complaints about the execution.

The problem is the story isn't that memorable, because the characters have 0 control over their situation, i.e. agency. They don't get to make any decisions, not even small ones. So it's all very grim and bleak, but doesn't haunt me in the same way as someone making a mistake and regretting the consequences. Even at the end, it would've meant something if he said those words of his own free will, you know?

Halfway through, I idly wondered if the father was actually a changeling so as to control the daughter and keep her calm. maybe if she didn't listen to her fake father, she'd have the power to escape or something? This didn't happen, but now I think it might've been more interesting. Not just because of a twist, but by adding uncertainty to their fates.

Did the muffin have a label that said "eat me"? Because Wallflower may have ended up in Wonderland...

Genre: Hello Me, Meet The Real Me

Thoughts: This one's tough for me to rank. It's not structured like a traditional story, but it's effective in laying bare the internal conflict of someone like AK/DD whose life must bounce between such different personas. I like how she takes more control at the end, even though the moment is abrupt enough that I didn't fully appreciate what was happening until my second read-through. The use of whitespace was effective as well.

I think, if anything, I felt a little disappointed that there wasn't some kind of swerve that would explain why DD's internal voice seems so strong and separate from the bodily experience it describes her having. Like is she under the effects of an artifact that causes her to have dissociative experiences of some sort? I don't think it's bad that such a swerve didn't happen; it keeps the story very self-contained and inwardly focused.

So in the end, I thought this was done pretty well overall, even though I think there might be more to be done with the concept here.

Tier: Strong

Odd, could've sworn I commented on this earlier.

I really liked how you started with a humorously serious character, and then moved on to absurdity with how the other characters reacted to him.

The ending was a good resolution with how it tied the story back to reality.

Hope he doesn't get sunburned too badly.

Genre: THAT'S RACIST

Thoughts: Hoo boy. What does one even say here without getting into sensitive territory?

Let's focus on the all-dialogue approach. I'm guessing the Author faced a tough choice with whether to waste words on adding description and action to what's ultimately just a conversation. Because the conversation and the way it touches on real-world things is ultimately the focus here. It conveys feeling without needing to show us any more than just the words, because it pokes us directly in a cultural sore spot. So I think maybe the author made the right call there, counterintuitive as it might seem.

I'm not going to engage much in discussing the subject matter itself, except to say that I think it was handled well for the most part.

All in all, this exceeded my expectations, especially when you consider everything that could've easily gone wrong here.

Tier: Strong

Cobalt seems like Equestria's Afroman: he was gonna go to school, but then he got high.

And that's why I don't have kids. I wouldn't want them stumbling upon my fanfiction.

I agree with >>CoffeeMinion, the first couple of paragraphs led me to believe this was going on a completely different direction. If I may be so bold as to suggest this, perhaps it would've been better if Ibis had stumbled upon mommy Yearling's stash of Daring Do memorabilia while hinting at his wrecking ball nature while fumbling through her stuff, if only so we could've gotten more mileage out of the misunderstanding.

I still liked it, though, and I'd like to read an expanded version.

sips drink

I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

Let's spread around the review love some! This art only has one comment.

My initial impression here is on the negative side — but I'm pretty sure that that's entirely an effect of the uncanny valley. Specifically, this does a good job of emulating the MLP pony style, but the body proportions definitely could use some work. The figure's about halfway between "real pony" and "hyper-exaggerated show model" and thus looks wrong regardless of which one I try to parse it as. That huge, unblinking eye is also boring straight into my soul — again, uncanny valley problem; it's much more realistic than the show's, which draws attention in.

Beyond that, this has some interesting detail offering good hooks for potential stories (and it's sad nobody did so). There's a lot going on with the taped-on Cutie Mark. The bow pose, which could have gone wrong in many ways, feels natural. There's some solid detail work in the hooves (though the details in things like eyes and hooves do feel somewhat at odds with the overall sketchiness of the piece). The tutu is a simple, well-chosen detail with a lot of implications.

Mostly, though, I wanted to point out something cool that nobody's commented on yet: her horn is also taped on.

Tier: Almost There

It's so random, I feel dizzy like Pinkie Pie from reading this.

But in a good way.

Not the bleeding to death way.

And Ah’m friends with Rainbow Dash. And Twilight.” Pause. “And Rarity.”

I liked this.

This gives a pretty good perspective.
I hadn't considered before how RD would've grown up, especially considering how competitive/"gamified" her parents were. If all she's ever done was win, then she's never learned to lose.
Her need to win has consumed her entire life to where everything is about winning.

A cute little story.
One thing I'd like to know is how the house even learned to talk in the first place...

Is.... this in response to the child abuse thing from last round?

Either way, not enough blood!!! I demand gratuitous blood! Spike dying off-screen doesn't count.

>>horizon
Ya know, I thought it was pretty close to the older style pone, like G1 or G2. And holy crap, I didn't even notice the horn \O/

I liked this a lot, but I wish there was more to it. Pinkie's little secret alone doesn't quite feel like enough to convince Tempest to stay.
Perhaps later, with more time and more space, this could be made to really shine.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>horizon
I wish I'd noticed it too, because now I'm thinking of someone dressing up real life ponies as the cartoon counterparts and making them reenact the show.

This is fun! As Haze said! Yippee!

BUT!

And this is a problem I have with the artwork, I guess, but... Poison Joke isn't marijuana. It's a fun pun-vention that plays specific pranks on ponies, and it asks for a lot of creativity from the writer to really make it shine. So this sort of shoehorning-in of a real world drug into ponyland without doing anything to ponify it kind of doesn't sit well with me.

But that's just concept. The execution is definitely great, so thanks for writing!

So, this one hasn't tracked with me, Author.

Let's get it out of the way, it's the dialogue. Mostly. I don't find it very fun reading talking heads, and the fact that this is 100% talking heads, well... I get that it's an experiment as opposed to a mistake, but I still can't get behind it. I've seen it work before, but only when the dialogue is allowing the characters to tell the story themselves, as opposed to just... a transcribed conversation.

Which is what I'm seeing here. I'm afraid I'm getting tripped up by who's speaking, and by the fact that I don't have anything to look at.

And another thing... And this is the same comment I had with the poison joke story but with brand new nouns. Zebras aren't black people. I know where the joke is coming from, obviously, but I immediately clatter into the first hurdle, because it's a real world concept that has been shoehorned into the story without ponification. I can see the attempt, with zebras having black stripes, but even putting actual black ponies like Thunderlane aside, the idea that zebras would somehow take offense to "the black curse" doesn't make sense in Equestria. In our world, there are some people who might certainly take offense to such a title, even white people! But this isn't our world. I'm trying to escape, damnit, please help me escape.

And speaking of being vicariously offended:

If it's about the cover I know it's rough, I put it together in an afternoon.

This felt kind of rude to the artist?

But all that aside. If I look past the concept and the talking heads strategy, I see excellent dialogue. None of it is awkward or contrived or anything. It's a perfectly believable conversation, with even some fun quips, and with some more info about the body language of these two, it would be more engaging.

Thanks for writing!

I like this, but the way the voice speaks felt stilted to me, and it annoyed me a little. Second-pony fics are difficult to do properly. I felt like I was being spoken to like a child in a children's book, with heavy exclamations and overly-telly statements distracting me and distancing me from the mood you were clearly trying to establish. I don't see the narrator speaking like this: they currently sound more like a mix of Cheerilee and Discord than who they are supposed to be.

You capitalize Traveller in one place but not the other.

>>Trick_Question

This story was funny from the beginning. I liked most of it, and it got a chuckle from me out of sheer absurdity, but the meta joke lands a bit flat.

I'm not sure how you can criticize a story that within like 100 words is introducing the concept of an orphan with a ghost dad who's a child-beater as being unbelievable when it's so clearly the intention.

>>Miller Minus

I wouldn't be too worried. I wouldn't call this entry being mean-spirited, and I think it would be misreading the author's intent to say that's it's supposed to be a jab at Clumsy,

EDIT: Haze said that this story would read better as a parody of Bill Cosby's Ghost Dad, and I wholeheartedly agree with this assessment.

Well, this one's certainly a change of pace.

Well done with constructing the conversation. It really read nicely, and I never got a sense of talking heads even though in hindsight, this piece is almost entirely dialogue. Still, I did have trouble with what I'm supposed to take away from this one.

I'm not exactly sure what the story is trying to do. I understand that it's meant to be a little disorienting, but aside from the hook there needs to be some kind of tangible payoff. As it is, I can't really read it as a comedy, because there's only one joke: God-pony (Celestia?) making snide remarks that go over Chuck's head. As a drama, I have a hard time taking Chuck seriously. I don't mean to say that I doubt people as despicable as him exist, but I find it hard to believe that these sort of scumbags would utterly lack any sort of self-awareness.

I guess, my suggestion would be to work on the mood and make it clearer to the reader how they should consume this. I can tell you've got a very distinct vision with this one, but the initial weirdness of the premise combined with my confusion at the core themes make it difficult for me to form strong feelings towards this.

>>Cassius
If that's the case then I guess I'm just here to have a good time.

This is a really neat idea! I really love it when fanfiction brings two unlikely characters together in a way that just meshes well.

I do think that this piece comes across as a little hard to understand, though. And not because your dialogue is confusing (far from it, the dialogue is great!), but simply because it takes a long time for that dialogue to get to the point.

I mean, Windrider and AK start taking from the very first sentence, but it really isn't until the sixth to last paragraph that Daring's emotional arc is even hinted at. Up until that point, I was really struggling to figure out what I was supposed to be getting from this convo. Is this an old mares blues story? A past flame story? Even until the very line before the paragraph that starts with "Besides, Windrider might be a cad", I was still wondering what the story was actually about, and I was thinking it might be about it becoming harder and harder for Daring to maintain her secret identity or something.

My point is, with a minific I feel that you really need to straight-up tell the reader what the story is going to be about within the first hundred words or so. Otherwise, it's just hard for the reader to feel invested reading dialogue that they don't have emotional context for. Granted, the story is a lot better on the 2nd or 3rd reading, but it will lack the punch that a good first reading (which is always the most invested and emotional) can give it.

This story seems to be as much commentary on the saltiness in the comments (including mine) of >>Miller Minus 's story as it was about the story itself. The ending, at least, seemed like a pretty direct reference to Monokeras's comment about sad stories being medal bait.

Genre: Cake Eater

Thoughts: I love it how the informal early style of this story sets up an emotional sucker punch toward the end. I suspect that the Author is deliberately taking advantage of the expectations of silliness that they play up with Young Celestia's cake-obsession and "unf"-ing around. Rereading this with the knowledge of where it's going only heightens its poignancy.

Well done, Author. There's one pretty significant typo though: "would" instead of "wound." But by that point I was hooked enough that it wasn't going to throw me.

Tier: Top Contender

Genre: Fluttertree... wait, not Fluttertree? What is this sorcery?

Thoughts: >>Not_A_Hat may have said it first and best: this is a technically clean story that doesn't quite make an emotional connection. I'd say it comes close, though. I feel a lot of curiosity about why Dash ended up being a tree, and that gets me halfway or more to feeling invested in her plight. But there's just no indication of how she ended up this way. !Hat's point about the nature of the death (or transformation) mattering a great deal is apt; again, we don't really know how this happened, etc.

Even if you want to keep it vague and/or don't want to spend much word count on it, give us something to help the audience make the leap that the story is asking of us.

Tier: Almost There

Really big fan of this story. The concept is interesting and makes sense, the characters are well-defined within a short wordcount. The writing quality is a tiny bit spotty – the hook isn't great and is a bit overly telly and the dialogue is a little dry in places – but when the writer hits his stride, the back-and-forth is fantastic and the narration is really great.

In particular this part:

She always liked it rough. She needed it rough. He would be aching in the morning, but everything else that came after was rewarding. She was a particularly tranquil soul in her afterglow. Sometimes, she would giggle beneath his touch. Sometimes, she would even purr under his tender caresses as he would chuckle under hers.

Sometimes, she wouldn’t.

Good stuff, writer.

This was cute and clever and strongly in-character. Creative way to tell a story with a short wordcount, nice use of formatting. Good stuff.

Tbh though, I think >>UndomeTinwe 's comment might have swayed this story's position in my rankings, 'cause fucking hell Mel you made me lose my shit.

I was a big fan of the writing here, very stylish. Maybe a little too stylish if anything, because it took me a second read-through to fully get to grips with the train of logic going on here. Excellent use of an unreliable narrator. There are probably parts in the narration I would cut/change for readability but otherwise this is very high on my slate. Kudos, author.

This is the most Majin Syeekoh story I've ever read. Well-written and absurd and fun.

Welp, this has no comments yet. Uh, wow.

To be honest, I wasn't really sure how to think of this in the opening paragraphs. It's just a little... weird. After that first linebreak, though, that's when this starts getting really good. You nailed that sense of mystery here and really got me invested into what's behind the door. And then... weird shit happens to Spike. Poor Spike.

Anyway, that ending. I really like it, it's a great mix that guides the reader in its ambiguity. However, I feel it could've been a little stronger, mayhaps by not mentioning the key specifically? Something more along the lines of 'metal brushing against Spike's skin?' Idk.

All in all, good job, author, good job.

Well, that's... a style I've never seen before in fiction: textbook. Points for originality, dude.

Unfortunately, because it's in a textbook mood, it really just got dry and boring about halfway through, and kinda became a slog to read through. So while it's well written, I don't think this was a good choice of styles. Sorry, mate.

If you ever wanna expand this, though, please do. I really wanna know about those other chapters. I adore world building of this sort. You have an absolutely amazing start here. Just look into finding a way for it to not get dry.

Based on the title, I was really expecting a RariDash fic.

In regards to what I got, though. Well, I don't know. It tried, it really reached for that emotional investment; it just... didn't quite get there. Honestly, author, great effort. With a bit more time to get this to that level, it would have been something amazing. Although, I really don't think the Sunset Shimmer thing worked at all. Probably shoulda cut that.

Again, great effort, I really hope this gets a bit of revision and goes to Fimfic.

Heh, that was... really good, mah dude. I'm sorry, but I don't really have much more to say. It was just cute.

That was... odd. Kinda confusing. You did make a good effort, but some more time really woulda made this shine.

I don't even know, dude. I really feel like this needed more words to properly flesh out the story. I mean, it's really fast and kinda snippy. That's honestly all I can give you here. Without more to it, it just feels... empty.

Idk. Maybe I'm just insane. Or tired. I am pretty tired.

Heh, cute pones being cute... followed by a manipulation of destiny. I like it. My only gripe is that it didn't feel like there was enough of it. It got kinda up in my face about what it was instead of naturally flowing, something easily fixed by adding a bit more here and there. Great job, dude, you've got a wonderful start to an amazing story.

I will be honest, I don't get what this is about. It just sorta... is. It started off strong, the middle was leading up to something, but at the end, it felt like you forgot what it was. It's just words on a page that don't seem to mesh with the rest of the story. At least, for me. So, take this as you will.

7. I’m pretty sure it would count as bestiality.

so, Twilight's in denial about this one too, right? hot

this fic could've been the same joke done 10 times in a row, but the punchline at the end here makes it so much better.

I was reminded a little of a flashfic by Trick Question with a similar idea. they're written very differently so I doubt there's any influence on this one. I just felt like plugging it.

Is currently planned for Friday afternoon, when I get home from work, which should be a bit after five, Mountain Time. Approximately three days and seventeen EDIT: NINETEEN hours from the time of this post. - I apparently can't math.

Quill and I and possibly Dubs will discuss Writeoff stories from this round, so please vote for the ones you're most interested in hearing us talk about.

I had an idea just like this!

In any case, really liking this – especially that ending. I can imagine some people seeing it as melodramatic, but it really hits me in the right place. Reminds me of an old romance movie, with the man chasing after his woman leaving on the train, and just having to stop at the edge of the platform.

As for me:

I didn't understand this one at all. First, saying "he would take a deep breath..." at the beginning of the second paragraph makes me think that Spike's just considering these actions but hasn't actually done them, so I was confused when, by the end of the paragraph, it turns out that he has actually done them. Second, the string of passive voice verbs after the first line break--"A lantern had been lit, and the key had been filched"--further served to distance me from the action. And when I got to the end, I hadn't been able to pull enough clues out of the text to figure out what had happened.

It didn't work for me, in other words. :)

Mike

The only way this story failed by was by not having Scootaloo be adopted by the end as well.

Overall pretty silly, with insanity that seems to ratchet up at every step until it all came crashing down with the reveal.

I had nearly the same reaction as >>Pearple_Prose above. For a few minutes, this fic really absorbed me and got me to care about these two. The stronger bits do a great job of carrying emotion and hinting at character building. And I've seen a lot of story concepts similar to this (especially with these characters), but this puts just the right twist on things that I didn't feel it was cliche.

But there are weaker parts that perhaps the author felt obligated to include, which I think are simply not needed. Like there's many lines meant to tie this into the show's canon timeline, but they feel kind of forced and telly. For example the camera, meant to hint at a specific s8 episode, but I didn't care much about that realization because I'd rather just watch these two interact for a while. In my opinion, it's okay to use canon, but don't feel constrained by it.

I actually liked the hook, but I feel like it's constructed out of order. The moment where I quickly recognize who the visitor is, yet Fancypants's reaction is the exact opposite of what I expected, that's when this grabbed my full attention! I think that feeling of horror is what needs to be front and center at the start, rather than that vague greeting and how his day went. I mean I do like that paragraph for establishing his character, it just shouldn't be the first one I read. Don't let it hog the spotlight.

I want to read more of this one.

Anypony up for some ART MASHUPS?!

Diptych in Butt and Blue
Some Call it "Waccy Wallflower"
She Didn't Listen Either

>>Haze
Same, at first I thought it was based on Fraud and it was Rainbow Dash flying east.

>>Haze
I'm guessing it's more of a response to When Insides Turn to Outsides. Pip's insides may end up on the Christmas Tree soon.

This being said, this one is a bit sloppy when it comes to punctuation and formatting. Well, aside from the situation that oscillates between terrifying and crackfic-ish.

Ah, the power of imagination...

Genre: Meta-comedy

Thoughts: I laughed. A lot. Now I suspect that I missed one or more of the stories that this was meant to stick it to, but I think it succeeded as an absurdist comedy with flying (albeit possibly fungal) colors regardless. The writing here is very strong, the scene-setting is simple but adequate... oh, and great choice of names for the ponies, BTW.

I suppose there's a chance that I might feel differently if I was more attuned to the underlying controversy that this seems to be trying to skewer. But taken purely as a thing unto itself without that much context, I feel like I got my money's worth.

Tier: Strong

>>CoffeeMinion
Yes, I am up for art mashups! :D

In fact, have a trip-tych:

Good trip ** Bad trip ** Worse trip

We botched with our son, and we paid the price dearly.

Cryptic background reference, I like it.

Genre: Random Encounter

Thoughts: I like this as a moment of getting inside Wallflower's head as she tries to adapt to life after losing the Memory Stone. We get to see what she thinks of the M7, and how she reacts to something unexpected showing up in her day.

I feel like this is kinda low on plot, though. Wallflower's discovery and subsequent meeting with Sunset don't seem to drive change in themselves or their world. It also ends a bit abruptly, which emphasizes the overall feeling of incompleteness.

Still, I like seeing more Wallflower pop up. There are years worth of content exploring every nook and cranny of the early characters; IMO there's huge untapped potential in the newer ones.

Tier: Keep Developing

Hey, Writeoff participants! You — yes, you!

If anyone feels opinionated, we're over halfway through art judging, and there are a number of pieces still low on commentary. Here are the art pieces most in need of reviews as of this post:

The Last Thing Left to Do is Let Go (1 comment)
A Novel Fantasy (1 comment)
No Turning Back (1 comment)

Diptych in Black and Blue (2 comments)
i wish I had a scanner (2 comments)
Toy Chest (2 comments)
First Rise (2 comments)



Also, about half of the stories have just 1 comment so far. Rather than me copy and paste 20+ links, though, you can just go to the fic gallery page and click on the speech balloon header to sort by number of comments. (I just submitted an issue request asking Roger to list comment stats on the art gallery page, too.)

Rolling over onto his belly, he started the slow and laborious process of silently sliding out of the room on his belly.

Now that's an awkward sentence... Also, I find it kinda cliche – a "it was all a dream... or was it?" kinda story was done before a lot.

In The Collected Exploits of Commander Hurricane, she is said to have singlehoofedly frightened off an army of marauding Air Rays by drinking a barrel of rainbow juice and then passing gas in their direction.

And that's how jet engines were made. Also, "singehoofedly" here is imprecise – he didn't use his hoof.

Just by skimming over this one I wonder if it’s not Quill’s story

>>CoffeeMinion

I feel a lot of curiosity about why Dash ended up being a tree

Maybe she crashed so hard that they didn't bother picking all the bits from the crater and just planted a tree on the top...

>>Samey90
Granted, that's possible. But Twilight spends the whole time talking to the tree as if it's more of a close friend than a tree. And as if the tree is closely familiar with her friends.

Unless Twilight has dementia (or something) and just thinks the tree is RD?

>>CoffeeMinion
Well, wonder if Applejack is actually alive then. Though Twilight seems to be aware it's a tree.

>>Monokeras

Well, there are 34 authors total, so that's roughly a 97.06% chance it's not Quill's story, yes. :P

Disclaimer: I know nothing about art, but I had some time and wanted to throw some review love around.

I'm an absolute sucker for two things: heartbreak and SunLight. I... may be biased. Keep that in mind.

I like this pic! It feels rough and raw, and I'm not sure how much of that is intentional (see the previously-mentioned Twi Chin), but I think that adds to the emotion here. This would have less impact, I think, if it were clearer. I appreciate that.

I also really appreciate this entry's use of colour! I didn't even notice the coloured auras thing until I read >>Moosetasm's review, and I think they're super cool now that I have, but I love how this piece uses the contrast of character colour to create a sense of tension and dichotomy. And I love the decision to hide both characters' faces! They're pulling away from each other as they pull away from us, and that's a neat emotional mirror.

This piece is evocative and full of character, and I for one adore it. There's definitely some room for improvement, but I'm so attached to the roughness that I don't really want to suggest anything concrete? It feels complete, even as it feels rushed. I'm going to go have feelings now.

Disclaimer: I know nothing about art, but I had some time and wanted to throw some review love around.

Ha ha! Title puns!

This is a cute little mock up of a Daring Do cover, which is a really interesting idea for an entry. Particularly interesting, to me, is that it doesn't follow the standard fomula for Daring Do covers. I'm a fan of alternate book covers (or more accurately, I love being a snob about liking exactly one set of covers for a series and looking down at all the others), and I like how this style gives the books an older, more mature feeling, almost calling back to the days that book covers were handpainted. I do have to wonder if the style is a reference I haven't gotten, but whether it is or not it certainly has me intrigued.

This entry is smart and clear, and I like how it manages to evoke a sense of tidyness and order while being just a coloured pencil sketch. I'm absolutely sold on the idea of this book cover as almost a watercolour piece, and I think that's rather impressive.

I really like this one! It gives us a lot to think about from just a few details and is generally quite pleasant to look at without thinking, too. Can't say I have anything to complain about.

>>horizon
Worse trip is the bomb :D

I really like this take on Cheerilee's character. She sometimes really does give off the vibe of not being entirely happy with where she is in life, so building on that with a mid-life crisis is a solid premise.

In terms of execution, I tend not to be a fan of chopping up a minific into several scenes. I get that you're trying to save some wordcount while showing these big ideas and emotions, but in practice each of the sections feel a tad rushed. It does help the emotional development immensely that we have these all these little direct snippets of Cheerilee's thoughts, but a side effect of relying on these so heavily is that it does skew your sentences towards being even shorter and choppier, which worsens this sense of being rushed through the story.

Even with this minimalist style, I can't help but think this story needs to be at least twice the current length. I really like where this piece goes, but at the moment it feels less like a journey to me and more like a race.

Gotta say, this one doesn't grab me.

The reason for that is, it doesn't really jive with canon. It's really difficult to imagine that Princess Celestia, who eschews formality whenever possible, would force Cadance into a more formal wedding if she didn't want it. Also, by "a trio of proper court mares", do you mean the group including Lyra and Minuette? Because they're not exactly proper, and Lyra doesn't even live in Canterlot.

These would be minor continuity issues, except that these are the exact impositions which Cadance is resenting. When the things that are causing the conflict of the story don't actually make sense, that kind of torpedoes the fic as a whole.

Time to start off my fic reading! And here's a story that feels like it both gets some big things right and stumbles in some weighty ways.

It's got an excellent central conflict, which the dialogue and emotion sell well. (One subtle thing in its favor: I think the immediacy of present tense was a good choice.) Characterization feels natural. I really wanted to like this.

But it's got two central issues sticking in my craw:

1) The previously mentioned "lack of focus" on Celestia abruptly hoofwaving Twilight's concerns about Nightmare Moon away. It's a great point to bring up, because it's an extremely legitimate potential problem — but that same plausibility which makes it worth bringing up also means that Celestia's dismissal of it in a single sentence looks irresponsible. I mean, isn't that blind confidence exactly what led to Nightmare Moon the last time?

Fortunately, the solution is simple. Unpack it later, without the wordcount limitation, and treat that concern with the same care and respect as the rest of the story. That might also help you bring it to 1000 for FIMFiction without unnatural padding.

2) The ending doesn't sit well with me. It's a perfectly natural progression from the story so far … but it veers away at the last minute from the problems you've focused on all story, and doesn't end on a note of resolution to those problems. (We don't even see the sun rise. The cutaway scene implies it, but the first cutaway scene implied a death that didn't happen.)

I think maybe this ended a sentence or two too early. It doesn't need much to bring resolution to the main theme, but it shouldn't leave it hanging and dissonant.

Slightly more nitpicky:

"I distinctly remember, on more than one occasion, walking in on you and your classmates reenacting Luna's and my lives. And you always played the part of me."

Nobody knew about Luna when Twilight was a filly with classmates.

This is so close to being solid, and the fixes won't be hard. I look forward to seeing the final product.

Tier: Almost There (on the edge of Strong)

Okay, this needs to play its cards *way* less close to its chest. It's not until the 719th of its 750 words that we learn the story is told in second person, rather than third person. I spent the first 718 words struggling hard to understand who the story was about, and the 719th a little bit upset that I wasted my time. Because this deliberately hides its narrative choice. "When the stomach burns like that", "The rapid breathing and trembling leg muscles", much etc.; deliberately evading labeling who it's talking about.

The twitching stops, and breathing returns to normal.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza lights up the cavern with a soft glow from her horn.

This is the first time the text narrates a character doing an action. The natural assumption from that is that we are reading a story in close third person limited about Cadance, and all the previously expressed thoughts are in her head — but it immediately seems unlikely that she would have been thinking about Bon Bon's sleep-kicking habits. So the next assumption is that we're watching someone watch Cadance. Read back: "Did Bon Bon start kicking in her sleep again…" Is this someone who expects Bon Bon to be there, or is this close third person limited about Bon Bon? Uncertain; read on. "Being one of her bridesmaids could open the door to a favor or two", and no resolution: that could be equally either Bon-Bon or Lyra. But hang on, why the hell would either one of them be in a cavern with Cadance, who was only ever in a cavern in canon when she was locked away in solitary confinement during the wedding, and never talked to anypony then until Twilight found her? Is the story about Twilight?! Are we in some AU where Chrysalis won???

That's right. The Princess of Love. She ruins everything.

She makes them fall back in love and ponies everywhere swoon.

Wait, so falling back in love is a bad thing? Is the narrator a changeling?!? Why would anyone else think that? (And yes mind control — but the rest of the story makes a big deal of interpreting C's suggestions in the most favorable light based on the narrator's existing feelings and motivations, not totally rewriting them. So we have the implication that the narrator is super bitter about love, which definitely doesn't match someone in a working relationship.)

And the frustrating thing is that this has such a trivial fix: just put "you" somewhere outside quotes in the first few paragraphs, which would clarify that all of the named characters are external to the narrated thoughts. Go as crazy as you want, after you've grounded the story. I made the mistake of not doing that once. Go read the first scene of that if you'd like an outside view of how frustrating it can be to piece this together from a cold start.

I may try to give this a second read (knowing the secret) to judge it more fairly, but right now it's hard to separate the story from my experience of running into a solid wall of bewilderment, and it's hard to avoid seeing how many places you deliberately crafted the wording for exactly that effect.

Regardless, thank you for writing it. I am a big fan of experimentation in the Writeoffs. This is experimental writing, pushing boundaries, and you've clearly got the skill to craft this experiment meticulously. I would not call it a successful one (clearly YMMV, e.g. >>Pearple_Prose), but the Writeoffs are a fantastic place to figure out what works and what doesn't, and I commend you for writing out to the edge.

Tier: Keep Developing

Genre: Enfant Terrible

Thoughts: This felt like a really heartfelt and true-to-life portrayal of a mother who’s out of her depth with a child whose powers exceed guidance, control... anything. And yet, ultimately that’s kind of what kids are like anyway; you can’t really control them, and you probably wouldn’t want to anyway, at least if you’re being honest. There’s a sense in which you want to try to guide them, but there’s a sense in which they kinda have to make their own decisions. Velvet is clearly trying to nudge Filly Twi down the right path, but this 100% sells a scenario where mere survival is success. I cringe and ache to put myself in Velvet’s horseshoes and to imagine something like this. It’s rendered in chilling, heart-rending tones.

So, y’know, props for all that. ^^ I don’t have much to suggest otherwise.

Tier: Top Contender

Contrary to CM there, I didn't like this one quite so much. It felt a bit overdone and squashed to me, and I had trouble keeping track of what was happening. I cannot deny the quality of the writing, and you certainly have a good idea and a great start, but it just needs a bit more revision to work for me.

This woulda been pretty good, if a slightly overused idea. You really got something good going there. You introduced the character at just the right pace, you nailed Discord's voice...

Then that ending was just... not good. I'm sorry, dude, but that's just what I got from this. I really hope to see this revised, I truly do.

Genre: ...um.

Thoughts: Sorry Author, this isn’t my cup of tea. The writing here is fine enough and I get the sense that other people are finding it funny, but the only visceral feeling I’m getting here is how awful it is watching Pinkie bleed out while ostensible humor is taking place.

I’ll do the gauche thing and contrast this with two other “ponies behaving badly” stories in the Writeoff in the interest of trying to expand on why this didn’t work for me.

First there’s No Need, which I thought was hilarious despite being about terrible things happening (or having happened to) the filly at the center of it. In that case, the tone was over-the-top absurd without being gruesome in its treatment of the awful things that were afoot. This creates room for me to laugh at the absurdity of it without getting mired in the details.

Second is Equivalent Trade, which I feel was fundamentally lacking in its worldbuilding. Now granted, I probably wouldn’t have been much into the subject matter even if its worldbuilding was stronger; but it would’ve anchored the dark things taking place in a sense of greater logic and internal consistency. At that point even a story with gruesome subject matter can be engaged on the strength of its ideas, its worldbuilding, etc.

I felt like this story struck an odd balance between the scenarios described above. It’s pretty freakin’ arbitrary to have Pinkie causing herself grievous bodily harm out in Sweet Apple Acres... and BTW her blood is hot liquid candy or something? Kay. That gets into the realm of the absurd, too. But it’s presented in this really vivid way that’s hard for me to process as mere absurdity. And yet there isn’t really enough internal logic to support it, either. I read it as being just arbitrary, and #2squicky4me.

Here’s the thing, though: there’s a pretty good chance that what I’m saying above means that the story is on-point with what it’s trying to achieve and the author should consider it a success. Odds are, I’m not the target audience here. Sometimes that happens and I end up trying to judge the story purely on the merits of it as itself trying to be the kind of story it’s trying to be. So I think this is probably successful? But in this case I have a hard time getting my brain far enough around the sense of humor to slot it in between two other stories on my slate.

Speaking of which, I’ve made it this far down my slate without abstaining, and this seems like as good a time as any to do that.

Tier: Abstain

Uhh... ok? I... don't know what to think. And for some reason, I feel that was your goal...

I... really gotta echo TQ here. There's not much more for me to say.

(Art) Genre: Shenanigans

(Art) Thoughts: There's clearly more going on here than just a rough sketch of... Al Gore, apparently? 0_o Anyway, the whole pseudo-accidental see-through letter elevates this unto the realms of Art Or Something. I applaud the multi-layered japery on offer here.

(Art) Tier: Yes

(Art) Genre: Masochistic Ponka

(Art) Thoughts: This is foreboding yet pretty, and I am unsurprised that it inspired a few stories. Good concept. Simple yet effective.

My one objection is the shortness of the lollipop stick. Seriously Artist, that stick belongs on a little lolly, not one that exceeds the cavernous capacity of the Ponkasnoot. ^^

(Art) Tier: Medium

(Art) Genre: As Zaid said, Chubby Vampire Celestia

(Art) Thoughts: Why is her horn all crooked in the middle?! I can mostly accept the vamp-teeth as being part of the style, but the crooked horn is just bugging me to no end.

That aside, this is quite cute and pretty. I love the smooth colors that fade into each other. And Chubby Vampire Celestia needs to become a thing.

(Art Tier): High-ish

(Art) Genre: Maximum Ponks

(Art) Thoughts: Well, this is just plain gorgeous. It also leaves lots of ambiguity in terms of the emotional "message" that Pinkie is sending. Clearly it's something, and it's strong; but there's room to take it all the way from the positive to the negative. Well done, Artist; no wonder it got a bunch of stories.

(Art Tier): Maximum Points

(Art) Genre: It's Dangerous To Go Alone, Take This

(Art) Thoughts: IMO this is quite beautiful overall, save for the facial features of the pony itself. I regret having to say that I get a bit of the ol' Uncanny Valley feeling from those. But this is otherwise packed with fun and well-drawn details. But those eyes, man. o_0

(Art Tier): High Medium

(Art) Genre: OCs Outta Love

(Art) Thoughts: So we've got two well-drawn and well-colored ponies in the midst of an emotional moment that manages to come across despite not being able to see their faces.

Man, I can't draw that.

(Art Tier): High

(Art) Genre: 420

(Art) Thoughts: dat face. I mean, the whole concept here is funny, but it's really the face that sells the whole thing. Well, that and the presence of the Lichtenstein-esque caption. At that point the other details almost don't matter; it succeeds at being humorous.

Ah, but those details. The caption is mildly funky on grammar. The background is distractingly copypasta'd. And as someone else noted elsewhere (maybe in Discord?), Poison Joke isn't a hallucinogen. So unfortunately this has some strikes against it.

I'm glad this showed up here, though. I got a solid laugh out of it. And hey, three stories? That ain't bad.

(Art Tier): Medium

(Art) Genre: K-CHUNK

(Art) Thoughts: In this piece, the technique is rough but the concept is high. It uses pony butt as a vector for exploring some real and scary feelings that anyone who sticks around here long enough is bound to run into. And it's got clever & fun stuff like the medal-and-stick leading our bald(?) pony onward, and the literal neckbeard on our stand-in character.

I'm sad that this didn't generate any stories. Even Al Gore got stories, you monsters. :-p

(Art Tier): Low High

I like the set-up and the conflict—both feel really appropriate for the scope of a minific. It's deceptively difficult to craft a premise that works well with the minific format, so big kudos for that.

As for the voicing, this is probably a little bit of personal preference, but I do think that Limestone reads just a bit too emotionally honest. The show makes it pretty clear that she's a pretty repressed pony, so a line like "I do need help" comes across as a bit on the nose to me.

It also feels like Limestone completes her emotional arc a little too easily. From the beginning until the "Stuff a pickaxe" line, Limestone is denying her emotional problems, to a confrontational level. Then, less than 150 words later, she's admitting she needs help. And during those 150 words, Pinkie (who's supposed to be the catalyst/agent of this emotional change in Limestone) doesn't really do anything. I personally feel that we need a lot more input from Pinkie before Limestone earns her emotional confession.

I actually really dig this. The fuzzy style, the lines are good, and all the angles and proportions feel really spot on. That you got that much detail and shading going on with colored pencils of all things (I assume) is impressive.

This is a really nice picture that I kind of want to hate because it reminds me of all the glorious floral beauty I never get to see in Arizona. But I can't hate it, because the caption just makes it so sweet.

Maybe it's because I've been playing it so much, but the fancy background combined with raw black shading and bold colors really gives me a Persona 5 art-style kinda vibe. I dig it.

Celestia's hair is bitchin' awesome, but minus four points for no witty caption.*
*not really though

Hair and contrast and all that, but my god that brown background almost looks like real, photographed stucco. Or maybe I've lived in a bland hellscape for too long to be able to tell. Either way, the texture work here all around is amazing, especially for something that looks done digitally—or you have a really good scanner.

10/10 would watch a tutorial on how to do this.