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Keep Pretending · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Daring Do and The Heightened Sensibilities
"Uh... A.K.?"

"What is it, Red Line?"

"I just got your draft for your next book and—"

"If it's about the cover I know it's rough, I put it together in an afternoon. Just get that kid who normally does the covers to do her magic."

"We were going to do that, but that's not the issue here."

"Oh? What is it, then? Is it because I'm not on the cover? I told you I don't care what marketing says, I want the pyramids to be the focus here."

"A.K., listen. The cover art is fine, that's not why I called you."

"Well, get out with it. I have to finish the third act, and I want to get to it while the memory is still fresh."

"Okay, here's the thing. PR wants you to change the title because they feel it'd cause needless controversy."

"I... Wait, what?"

"Yeah, since the story takes place in the Zebrican continent, they want to avoid any type of backlash regarding the title."

"Wow, I don't even know where to start."

"You can change it for any synonym. I think Obsydian Curse has a nice ring to it."

"What? No, Red Line. That's dumb."

"Dark Curse sounds too cliché."

"By all means, keep pretending you don't know what I mean, but I'm not going to change the title of the book."

"Please. You know you have a lot of young impressionable readers."

"Okay, first of all, it may be the Zebrican continent, but the pyramids are Saddle Arabian. I don't know how you could confuse the two. Celestia, I think that's even more racist than if the title actually was an off-hand mention to the color of a zebra's stripes."

"PR wants to minimise the—"

"Second of all, its name is the Black Curse. Check a history book. That's what ancient Saddle Arabians called the curse that would befall anyone who would dare enter the pyramids."

"I know that..."

"Then what's the big deal? You're acting like I used a racial slur in the title."

"I'm just doing my job, A.K."

"Oh, I thought your job was being my editor, not bending over whenever the PR department asks you to do something."

"That was uncalled for."

"Ugh... I'm sorry, Red. It's just that... Well... I haven't done anything wrong! I'm just being faithful to history, it's what I do as an archeologist."

"I know you haven't, A.K. But try to see it from their perspective. You remember what happened when 'The Mad Gryphon Anthology' came out last month."

"I don't think those two are even remotely comparable, Red."

"Tell that to the PR guys."

"I'd do it if I thought it'd change something."

"What will you do, though? You know they're not going to let this go."

"Hmmm... They just objected to the title, right? Not to actually calling the Black Curse by its actual name."

"The memo I got only mentioned the title, yes."

"I wonder if they even read the damned draft... Okay, how about this, the Curse is mentioned in the background for the first third of the story, and only kicks in halfway through the second act. Proportional to the rest of the story, I think the pyramids themselves are featured more prominently. I could title it after them."

"So... Daring Do and The Mystery of the Pyramids?"

"A bit bland, but we can work with that for the time being. You think they'll object to that?"

"Most likely, but at least they won't bring up the racial issue."

"Here's hoping."

"..."

"Say it, Red Line."

"Yeah, it's about the donkey merchant you meet in chapter two."

"What about him?"

"Do I have to..."

"Fine... I'll tone it down."

"Thank you, A.K. The West has different sensibilities, it's just how it is."

"It's a shame really. Golden Shekel was a really nice guy."

"I don't doubt he is, but it's better this way."

"Yeah, yeah. I already agreed. See you next time, Red."

"Take care, Yearling."
Pics
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#1 · 4
· · >>horizon >>Zaid Val'Roa
Genre: THAT'S RACIST

Thoughts: Hoo boy. What does one even say here without getting into sensitive territory?

Let's focus on the all-dialogue approach. I'm guessing the Author faced a tough choice with whether to waste words on adding description and action to what's ultimately just a conversation. Because the conversation and the way it touches on real-world things is ultimately the focus here. It conveys feeling without needing to show us any more than just the words, because it pokes us directly in a cultural sore spot. So I think maybe the author made the right call there, counterintuitive as it might seem.

I'm not going to engage much in discussing the subject matter itself, except to say that I think it was handled well for the most part.

All in all, this exceeded my expectations, especially when you consider everything that could've easily gone wrong here.

Tier: Strong
#2 · 3
· · >>horizon >>Aragon >>Zaid Val'Roa
So, this one hasn't tracked with me, Author.

Let's get it out of the way, it's the dialogue. Mostly. I don't find it very fun reading talking heads, and the fact that this is 100% talking heads, well... I get that it's an experiment as opposed to a mistake, but I still can't get behind it. I've seen it work before, but only when the dialogue is allowing the characters to tell the story themselves, as opposed to just... a transcribed conversation.

Which is what I'm seeing here. I'm afraid I'm getting tripped up by who's speaking, and by the fact that I don't have anything to look at.

And another thing... And this is the same comment I had with the poison joke story but with brand new nouns. Zebras aren't black people. I know where the joke is coming from, obviously, but I immediately clatter into the first hurdle, because it's a real world concept that has been shoehorned into the story without ponification. I can see the attempt, with zebras having black stripes, but even putting actual black ponies like Thunderlane aside, the idea that zebras would somehow take offense to "the black curse" doesn't make sense in Equestria. In our world, there are some people who might certainly take offense to such a title, even white people! But this isn't our world. I'm trying to escape, damnit, please help me escape.

And speaking of being vicariously offended:

If it's about the cover I know it's rough, I put it together in an afternoon.


This felt kind of rude to the artist?

But all that aside. If I look past the concept and the talking heads strategy, I see excellent dialogue. None of it is awkward or contrived or anything. It's a perfectly believable conversation, with even some fun quips, and with some more info about the body language of these two, it would be more engaging.

Thanks for writing!
#3 · 6
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
Thoughts: Hoo boy. What does one even say here without getting into sensitive territory?


(sigh) Yeah … that.

So … um. Apparently this is built around a central joke of "lol political correctness run amok". You do you, author. The idea that "being sensitive to the ways in which existing language and power structures hurt minorities = a bad thing" isn't winning you any points with me, but I'm trying to set that aside for purposes of evaluation and voting. I do agree with >>Miller Minus's assessment of why it feels awkwardly horseshoe-horned into an Equestrian setting, though, and I do think that that setting-bending is a legitimate reason to ding the story. (I guess I could see some sort of "zebras are equines with dark stripes painted on" racism in-setting, but neither canon nor story establishes that as a background fact of the setting, and you'd lose a lot of momentum trying to "as you know, bob" it in. And there's even less justification for whatever is going on with the donkeys==Jews thing at the end, nor even a hint of what she has to 'tone down' given that she wrote an apparently positive portrayal.)

More importantly … there's no actual conflict here. Daring mentions early in the story that "I told you I don't care what marketing says, I want the pyramids to be the focus here" … and then after a scuffle about the title of the book, the solution is to not change a single word of the text, and change the title to put the pyramids more prominently in focus. Daring being talked into increasing sensitivity is actually a win-win-win situation! So basically we're treated to a bunch of dialogue of an author griping about political correctness that's got no point beyond venting her complaints about a thing that works out for her anyway.

So to me this comes across as basically pure author tracting. I do have to credit it for sounding like an authentic conversation, but I'm afraid that's not enough to carry it against its self-imposed headwinds.

I'll repeat what I noted in an earlier review, however: thank you for contributing! The Writeoffs are a good place to see what works and what doesn't, and while this doesn't hit the mark for me, it's good to see people pushing themselves and confronting unusual narrative styles and subjects, whether or not the experiment works.

Tier: Misaimed
#4 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
On a non-reviewing note: author, have you ever read John D'Agata's The Lifespan of a Fact? You may like it, considering what you've submitted.
#5 · 3
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
I'm not touching the 'Lol political correctness' thing because, look, I'm 100% sure it's just a joke and there's no real meaning behind it. I'm fairly sure the author didn't mean to, like, comment on the current state of language and the representation of minorities. They just saw that the picture had 'Daring Do and the Black Curse' as a title and went, heh. You can interpret that as racist if you want to. Hey there's a story there!

That said -- yeah, bit rude to the artist, mate. Unless you yourself are the artist? Otherwise, bro. Not that cool tbh.

Also, I love >>Miller Minus to death, but I disagree with:

But all that aside. If I look past the concept and the talking heads strategy, I see excellent dialogue. None of it is awkward or contrived or anything. It's a perfectly believable conversation, with even some fun quips, and with some more info about the body language of these two, it would be more engaging.


Sorry, author, but I think the dialogue is distinctly stilted, which is what got me out of the story. The most obvious, on-the-nose example of this is the fact that the characters keep repeating each other's names in ways that feel kind of awkward?

And like, I get why -- this is all-dialogue, so you do need to remind the readers who's talking. Problem is... Why not lose the talking heads, then? You legit lose more than you gain. The dialogue is awkward because of it, the lack of anything but the dialogue makes it feel stilted and unnatural, there's not enough quibble to really sell the thing as an interesting conversation per-se, and -- and I'm sorry that this happened cause, again, this was super probably an accident -- the topic and the way in which it's handled comes off as a bit... insensitive? Funnily enough?

So yeah, this didn't do it for me, Author. I feel kinda annoyed at myself for not really pointing out exactly why I find the dialogue stilted; it's a vague thing, and I'd need to really dig into this and find out the why. Don't really have enough time to come with specifics if I wanna read everything else in the little time I have -- but the names are a clear example.

My advice: lose the talking heads, maybe add some conflict (unno, regarding the use of pyramids or whatever), add some more description, make us care. The fact that both characters have the same voicing also makes it lose points IMO, because they really talk the same, and I have no idea what kind of character Red is. It's just a blank slate, and in a fic that's literally based on characters talking to each other, voicing is crucial.
#6 ·
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
If it's about the cover I know it's rough, I put it together in an afternoon.

Since this is now two people commenting on it... I would like to say that, as the artist behind the pic this fic is based on, I am in no way insulted nor even anything resembling that emotion. If it was meant to be rude? Well, try harder next time. If not, hey, no harm done.

In other news, I love this story. It does touch on some sketchy subjects, but I think it handles them well. The racism avoidance of the publisher being racist in-and-of itself. And I really think it says a bit about creative freedom, or rather, lack thereof. However, I concur, the dialogue coulda been done a bit better. Regardless, again, I do love this story.

Also, tbh, I think Obsidian(you spell it with a 'y'? Cause that's something else...) Curse woulda been a better title, nice job xD
#7 · 3
·
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Miller Minus
>>horizon
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Aragon
>>MLPmatthewl419
Boy, is my face red.

I'm not sure which is worse: that I came up with this, that I actually went through with it, that I did such a piss poor job, or that this somehow made it to the finals. Therefore, I'll choose to be ashamed by all four.

Originally, this was going to be just few lines of dialogue as a joke I would post as a comment to the picture in question before leaving actual criticism. Then it got longer and I said, what the hell, I may as well submit it as a story. Then the metoclopramide ran its course, leaving me out of the loop for the next day, so I didn't have the chance to give the criticism that set the whole thing in motion. And yes, the one mention of the artwork in the story did come off more mean spirited than I intended. Sorry about that, roughness aside, I did like the idea behind the art.

Anyway, enough beating around the bush. Let's get to point, why I did what I did here. Well, I won't bore you with real life stuff, so let's just say that around the time I perpetrated this, I was a bit... sensitive.

Chalk it up to poor choice of ideas to explore, or poor execution. I am not happy with the final product, in several ways. That being said, while it would be easy to just wash my hands and move on, I think I can actually salvage this with some narrative tightening, some polish, and a few precise snips of racist overtones.

See you around in the next round, and thanks for the level headed criticism, everyone. This is why I love all of you.