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I've Got a Secret!
The sound of the opening traincar door was nearly drowned out by the rattle of metal wheels on track, but Tempest’s eyes still automatically darted up from the widow. And then she saw who was coming inside.
“Pinkie Pie,” she said.
“Hiya, Fizzlepop!” chirped Pinkie. She didn’t quite seem notice Tempest’s flinch at that name, as she took in the empty car. “Where’s this train headed, anyway?”
“The frozen north.” Tempest studied Pinkie, and realized that the mare probably couldn’t stand still if she tried. Pinkie was always in motion—when she wasn’t trotting up and down the narrow hall, she was tapping a rhythm into the wooden floor with a fidgeting back hoof.
“How did you get on board?” asked Tempest. “This is a military rail.”
Pinkie only shrugged. “Better question is, what’s a cool-as-beans mare like you doing on a train going so far away, Fizzle?”
“Tempest,” she automatically corrected Pinkie.
“But I thought you said your real name was—”
”Tempest,” she growled, because there was suddenly something squeezing up in her chest. “Just… call me Tempest.”
Pinkie became still. All of the little ticks and the fidgeting stopped, but she still smiled, and she said, “Okay.”
As if it were the most natural thing in the world, Pinkie sauntered over and actually sat in the seat next to Tempest, so close that their sides touched. Tempest recoiled, and it took several moments for her to settle back into her own seat.
The train rattled on in its tracks, but even that familiar sound was made so strange by the unfamiliar feeling of somepony else being so physically close.
“Why are you here?” asked Tempest.
“I get these hunches,” chirped Pinkie. “I call ‘em my ‘Pinkie sense’, and this morning it told me that somepony I wanted to be friends with was having a bad day. So, I kinda followed were it was taking me, some kumquats changed hooves, and—boom!—I’m on a train leaving the Empire!”
Pinkie smiled so much while she talked that Tempest couldn’t help but believe every word.
“So,” said Pinkie, “Are you having a bad day?”
Tempest felt her throat squeeze. She was a strong mare, and strong mares shut the hell up when they felt like this.
But Pinkie was still looking at her, with those wide blue eyes, and Tempest had never seem the little mare sit still without talking for so long. Pinkie waited even while Tempest swallowed at the lump in her throat and cleared it three times even though she didn’t really have to.
“I don’t—” Tempest stopped, because she didn’t like how her voice sounded like a rusty door hinge. “I don’t belong. Not in Equestria.”
Pinkie's posture shifted. She leaned close—so close that Tempest could feel that big mess of a mane tickling at her ears.
“Wanna hear a secret?” Pinkie whispered. “Not even Twilight and all the others know.”
Dumbstruck and confused, Tempest only nodded.
“My name,” said Pinkie, eyes darting across the empty car, “isn’t really Pinkie Pie.”
Pinkie smiled again, closing her eyes, and there was a little sadness in them.
“It’s Cordite. Cordite Pie,” she said, her lips fumbling as if they were forming a word that was both familiar and not. “My mom named me that because I was such a bundle of energy. But never liked it. It wasn’t me, because I’m not a piece of rock mining equipment, ya know? So after I started working with the Cakes for a bit, I had my name legally changed. Everypony was already calling me Pinkie anyway.”
“But what happened to Cordite?” said Tempest, brow furrowing uncontrollably.
“I’m Cordite, silly!” said Pinkie, beaming ear to ear.
“No,” said Tempest. Her throat constricted again, but she fought to keep herself speaking. “I mean, what happened to the pony you used to be?”
“Oh, she’s still there. Really, if you think about it, everypony used to be somepony else.” Pinkie hopped off her seat, and Tempest’s side felt cold at her absence.
“I’m going to ask the nice Gunnery Sarge to let us off. Will you come back to Ponyville with me?”
“I think so,” said Tempest, even though she wasn’t sure why.
Pinkie giggled and trotted to the car door, but her expression sobered as she opened it.
“Sometimes, it’s still hard, finding my place,” she said. “But I really, really think that everypony can, eventually! Even Cordite did!”
With a wink, Pinkie Pie let the car door close behind her, and she was gone.
“Pinkie Pie,” she said.
“Hiya, Fizzlepop!” chirped Pinkie. She didn’t quite seem notice Tempest’s flinch at that name, as she took in the empty car. “Where’s this train headed, anyway?”
“The frozen north.” Tempest studied Pinkie, and realized that the mare probably couldn’t stand still if she tried. Pinkie was always in motion—when she wasn’t trotting up and down the narrow hall, she was tapping a rhythm into the wooden floor with a fidgeting back hoof.
“How did you get on board?” asked Tempest. “This is a military rail.”
Pinkie only shrugged. “Better question is, what’s a cool-as-beans mare like you doing on a train going so far away, Fizzle?”
“Tempest,” she automatically corrected Pinkie.
“But I thought you said your real name was—”
”Tempest,” she growled, because there was suddenly something squeezing up in her chest. “Just… call me Tempest.”
Pinkie became still. All of the little ticks and the fidgeting stopped, but she still smiled, and she said, “Okay.”
As if it were the most natural thing in the world, Pinkie sauntered over and actually sat in the seat next to Tempest, so close that their sides touched. Tempest recoiled, and it took several moments for her to settle back into her own seat.
The train rattled on in its tracks, but even that familiar sound was made so strange by the unfamiliar feeling of somepony else being so physically close.
“Why are you here?” asked Tempest.
“I get these hunches,” chirped Pinkie. “I call ‘em my ‘Pinkie sense’, and this morning it told me that somepony I wanted to be friends with was having a bad day. So, I kinda followed were it was taking me, some kumquats changed hooves, and—boom!—I’m on a train leaving the Empire!”
Pinkie smiled so much while she talked that Tempest couldn’t help but believe every word.
“So,” said Pinkie, “Are you having a bad day?”
Tempest felt her throat squeeze. She was a strong mare, and strong mares shut the hell up when they felt like this.
But Pinkie was still looking at her, with those wide blue eyes, and Tempest had never seem the little mare sit still without talking for so long. Pinkie waited even while Tempest swallowed at the lump in her throat and cleared it three times even though she didn’t really have to.
“I don’t—” Tempest stopped, because she didn’t like how her voice sounded like a rusty door hinge. “I don’t belong. Not in Equestria.”
Pinkie's posture shifted. She leaned close—so close that Tempest could feel that big mess of a mane tickling at her ears.
“Wanna hear a secret?” Pinkie whispered. “Not even Twilight and all the others know.”
Dumbstruck and confused, Tempest only nodded.
“My name,” said Pinkie, eyes darting across the empty car, “isn’t really Pinkie Pie.”
Pinkie smiled again, closing her eyes, and there was a little sadness in them.
“It’s Cordite. Cordite Pie,” she said, her lips fumbling as if they were forming a word that was both familiar and not. “My mom named me that because I was such a bundle of energy. But never liked it. It wasn’t me, because I’m not a piece of rock mining equipment, ya know? So after I started working with the Cakes for a bit, I had my name legally changed. Everypony was already calling me Pinkie anyway.”
“But what happened to Cordite?” said Tempest, brow furrowing uncontrollably.
“I’m Cordite, silly!” said Pinkie, beaming ear to ear.
“No,” said Tempest. Her throat constricted again, but she fought to keep herself speaking. “I mean, what happened to the pony you used to be?”
“Oh, she’s still there. Really, if you think about it, everypony used to be somepony else.” Pinkie hopped off her seat, and Tempest’s side felt cold at her absence.
“I’m going to ask the nice Gunnery Sarge to let us off. Will you come back to Ponyville with me?”
“I think so,” said Tempest, even though she wasn’t sure why.
Pinkie giggled and trotted to the car door, but her expression sobered as she opened it.
“Sometimes, it’s still hard, finding my place,” she said. “But I really, really think that everypony can, eventually! Even Cordite did!”
With a wink, Pinkie Pie let the car door close behind her, and she was gone.
Pics
I liked this a lot, but I wish there was more to it. Pinkie's little secret alone doesn't quite feel like enough to convince Tempest to stay.
Perhaps later, with more time and more space, this could be made to really shine.
Perhaps later, with more time and more space, this could be made to really shine.
Genre: Fizzleberry Popdite
Thoughts: I enjoyed this a lot! This reminds me a lot of the Limestone fic this round, in that Pinkie shows up and sways a grumpy-pants character away from the depths of their grumpy-pantsyness by just being a bit Pinkie at them. In this case, though, I felt like the writing was more vivid and solid, yet the simplicity of the Pinkie-convincing-El-Grumpo moment was even simpler. I mean, look, it all comes down to this moment:
Everything leading up to this moment was great. I can appreciate the headcanon of "Cordite Pie" even if I don't quite buy into it (sry, I have both peculiar and particular headcanon RE: the pies). Even the way you paint the atmosphere of the story is well-done, what with small details like the "frozen north" and the fact that it's a military train and the ostensible "gunnery sergeant." This also feels 100% like the kind of story I can believe Pinkie getting herself into simply by following her Pinkie sense. It's great.
I just don't quite buy your key moment. D:
Fear not, though, I think >>RB pretty much nails what this needs: moar wordcount. Maybe... 250 or so? :-p
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I enjoyed this a lot! This reminds me a lot of the Limestone fic this round, in that Pinkie shows up and sways a grumpy-pants character away from the depths of their grumpy-pantsyness by just being a bit Pinkie at them. In this case, though, I felt like the writing was more vivid and solid, yet the simplicity of the Pinkie-convincing-El-Grumpo moment was even simpler. I mean, look, it all comes down to this moment:
“I think so,” said Tempest, even though she wasn’t sure why.
Everything leading up to this moment was great. I can appreciate the headcanon of "Cordite Pie" even if I don't quite buy into it (sry, I have both peculiar and particular headcanon RE: the pies). Even the way you paint the atmosphere of the story is well-done, what with small details like the "frozen north" and the fact that it's a military train and the ostensible "gunnery sergeant." This also feels 100% like the kind of story I can believe Pinkie getting herself into simply by following her Pinkie sense. It's great.
I just don't quite buy your key moment. D:
Fear not, though, I think >>RB pretty much nails what this needs: moar wordcount. Maybe... 250 or so? :-p
Tier: Almost There
I find this story rather abrupt. Yes, I know it’s a mini, but it’s trying to be a whole story, and I feel that Pinkie’s secret just isn’t weighty enough to swing the pendulum of Tempest’s opinion in such a quick bit of dialogue. It might be made to work for a children’s story, but your audience of battle-hardened Writeoff reviewers are going to want some more seasoning on this idea.
... Hey, who turned out all the lights?
Super-belated Retro: I've Got a Secret!
Okay, so I had this idea banging around in my head for a little while, because I'm slowly becoming convinced that Tempest Shadow is actually something very worthwhile to have come out of the movie. It recently clicked in my head that she's basically season 1 Luna, so of course from that moment on it was inevitable for me to write a piece starring her.
As for Pinkie, I still feel like I don't write her a lot, but if you break down the numbers, out of the Mane 6, she's probably gotten some of the most horsewordcount from me. I still don't really feel comfortable with her voice, but there don't seem to be any complaints about her character. *Shrug*.
On a side note, this is one of the very few stories I've written that fails the Ctrl + F "Princess" test. Enjoy it while you can, suckers, I'm going straight back to Celestia and Twilight ASAP. :P
>>RB
>>CoffeeMinion
>>GroaningGreyAgony
When 100% of the reviews focus on the resolution, I think it's safe to say that it wasn't good. Thanks for your thoughts, ya'll!
I actually originally had planned for another little chunk of dialogue to follow-up Ponker's name reveal, but that would have added 200-300 words to a draft that was already overshooting the word count by a couple of dozen words, so it was never going to make it in. Oh well; sometimes I guess 750 words is just never going to be enough.
Super-belated Retro: I've Got a Secret!
Okay, so I had this idea banging around in my head for a little while, because I'm slowly becoming convinced that Tempest Shadow is actually something very worthwhile to have come out of the movie. It recently clicked in my head that she's basically season 1 Luna, so of course from that moment on it was inevitable for me to write a piece starring her.
As for Pinkie, I still feel like I don't write her a lot, but if you break down the numbers, out of the Mane 6, she's probably gotten some of the most horsewordcount from me. I still don't really feel comfortable with her voice, but there don't seem to be any complaints about her character. *Shrug*.
On a side note, this is one of the very few stories I've written that fails the Ctrl + F "Princess" test. Enjoy it while you can, suckers, I'm going straight back to Celestia and Twilight ASAP. :P
>>RB
>>CoffeeMinion
>>GroaningGreyAgony
When 100% of the reviews focus on the resolution, I think it's safe to say that it wasn't good. Thanks for your thoughts, ya'll!
I actually originally had planned for another little chunk of dialogue to follow-up Ponker's name reveal, but that would have added 200-300 words to a draft that was already overshooting the word count by a couple of dozen words, so it was never going to make it in. Oh well; sometimes I guess 750 words is just never going to be enough.