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“Kill or be Killed, Miss Yearling. Kill or be Killed.”
“Wait a second…” Pushing through the crowd, Yearling squinted at this next fan’s face. She’d seen it before… once…
“Figuring it out? Let me give you a hint: poster pose.” He struck said pose, one hoof rising in the air, wings splayed.
Recognition hit Yearling in the face. “Wind Rider!?”
“It’s been a while, Yearling.”
“But… you were thrown out of the Wonderbolts!”
“All history now.” Wind Rider waved her words aside irritably. Casual as ever, he continued, “I’m not exactly Mr Popular at the moment, but I’d appreciate it if you’d share a drink with me.”
“With you?”
“I can recommend a pretty sweet wine. Or maybe you’re a cocktail mare. You’ve got the look of someone who likes the exotic.”
“With you!? You framed that new recruit!”
Wind Rider sighed. “That’s all I’m remembered for. Look, I paid my price. I just want an old schoolfriend to talk to. That’s not a crime, is it?”
She glared at his tired eyes, red and raw.
“Why?” she said suspiciously.
“Ah.” Wind Rider nodded. “You a friend of Rainbow’s?”
“She’s a fan, yes.”
“She was one of mine too.” Wind Rider gestured towards the bar. “Seen her recently? How’s she getting on? A credit to the Wonderbolts, I hear, but there’s more to life than Wonderbolts.”
Suspicious, she nonetheless felt the stirrings of pity. Wind Rider still wore his trademark bomber jacket.
“A quick drink,” she said coldly. “Then I’m returning to the convention. Understood?”
“I’d be honoured.”
They chose seats right on the edge, Yearling near the door and ready to bolt, Wind Rider turning his back on the glares from the patrons. Yearling ordered their drinks; when Wind Rider tried it, the bartender ignored him.
“I used to love reading Daring Do,” said Wind Rider. “Bold. Fearless. Willing to do what she had to do. Had to play dirty once or twice, but a noble soul.”
As soon as it appeared, Yearling snatched up the drink and sucked for all it was worth. She released it very reluctantly.
Wind Rider stared. “You sure can pack it away.”
“On the road, you learn to take what you can get.”
“Don’t I know it. Wow, you look good for your age.” Wind Rider chuckled. “You got a Fountain of Youth stashed away somewhere?”
“Something like that.”
“Sounds quite a cosy life for you, hiding away in some cottage somewhere…” Wind Rider shook himself down. “Gets a bit tedious after a while, doesn’t it?”
“You?”
“I’m not going to mince words; I miss being with the Wonderbolts. I hate being cooped up. But I guess I’ll learn to like it. I only came out today for nostalgic interest.”
“You big on nostalgia?”
“I remember we were both young once.”
Yearling growled. “Look, do you regret what you did, or not? Trying to get someone kicked out of the Wonderbolts to protect your record? Doesn’t it bother you?”
“No,” said Wind Rider frankly. “I’m sorry. It just doesn’t. I did what I had to.”
Occasionally, Wind Rider sipped his drink.
“Well…” said Yearling. She shouldn’t lose her temper. “Daring Do” might, but Yearling was supposed to be a kindly old mare. She shouldn’t trash that image.
“You’re honest, at least,” she said.
“I’ll take that as a compliment, Miss Yearling. Or is it Mrs?”
“Just Miss.” Yearling squirmed where she sat. “You hitting on me?”
“Ha! We’d be matched in outspokenness.” Another infuriating sip.
Yearling softened her face. Kindly old mare, after all.
“I doubt it.” She sighed.
“I don’t blame you.” Wind Rider hung his head. “But I am what I am.”
“No, I meant…” Quickly, she shut her mouth. What was she thinking? “Daring Do” had to stay secret!
Besides, Wind Rider might be a cad, but at least everyone knew he was a cad. They knew where they stood with him, even if they stood as far away as possible. Her? Her entire life was put on display in a series of stupid books, and virtually no one even knew Thing One about A. K. Yearling. She’d worked hard to keep it that way.
Because treasure-hunting wasn’t all puzzle-solving and villain-stomping. It was cutthroat. The temples she’d desecrated, the backs stabbed, the lies spun, and the lives ended, not all of them bad guys.
Kill or be killed.
Smiling, Wind Rider raised his glass. “To your prosperity, Miss Yearling?”
Yearling raised her empty glass. “Yeah.”
She left. It wasn’t just Wind Rider’s presence that made her skin crawl now.
“Figuring it out? Let me give you a hint: poster pose.” He struck said pose, one hoof rising in the air, wings splayed.
Recognition hit Yearling in the face. “Wind Rider!?”
“It’s been a while, Yearling.”
“But… you were thrown out of the Wonderbolts!”
“All history now.” Wind Rider waved her words aside irritably. Casual as ever, he continued, “I’m not exactly Mr Popular at the moment, but I’d appreciate it if you’d share a drink with me.”
“With you?”
“I can recommend a pretty sweet wine. Or maybe you’re a cocktail mare. You’ve got the look of someone who likes the exotic.”
“With you!? You framed that new recruit!”
Wind Rider sighed. “That’s all I’m remembered for. Look, I paid my price. I just want an old schoolfriend to talk to. That’s not a crime, is it?”
She glared at his tired eyes, red and raw.
“Why?” she said suspiciously.
“Ah.” Wind Rider nodded. “You a friend of Rainbow’s?”
“She’s a fan, yes.”
“She was one of mine too.” Wind Rider gestured towards the bar. “Seen her recently? How’s she getting on? A credit to the Wonderbolts, I hear, but there’s more to life than Wonderbolts.”
Suspicious, she nonetheless felt the stirrings of pity. Wind Rider still wore his trademark bomber jacket.
“A quick drink,” she said coldly. “Then I’m returning to the convention. Understood?”
“I’d be honoured.”
They chose seats right on the edge, Yearling near the door and ready to bolt, Wind Rider turning his back on the glares from the patrons. Yearling ordered their drinks; when Wind Rider tried it, the bartender ignored him.
“I used to love reading Daring Do,” said Wind Rider. “Bold. Fearless. Willing to do what she had to do. Had to play dirty once or twice, but a noble soul.”
As soon as it appeared, Yearling snatched up the drink and sucked for all it was worth. She released it very reluctantly.
Wind Rider stared. “You sure can pack it away.”
“On the road, you learn to take what you can get.”
“Don’t I know it. Wow, you look good for your age.” Wind Rider chuckled. “You got a Fountain of Youth stashed away somewhere?”
“Something like that.”
“Sounds quite a cosy life for you, hiding away in some cottage somewhere…” Wind Rider shook himself down. “Gets a bit tedious after a while, doesn’t it?”
“You?”
“I’m not going to mince words; I miss being with the Wonderbolts. I hate being cooped up. But I guess I’ll learn to like it. I only came out today for nostalgic interest.”
“You big on nostalgia?”
“I remember we were both young once.”
Yearling growled. “Look, do you regret what you did, or not? Trying to get someone kicked out of the Wonderbolts to protect your record? Doesn’t it bother you?”
“No,” said Wind Rider frankly. “I’m sorry. It just doesn’t. I did what I had to.”
Occasionally, Wind Rider sipped his drink.
“Well…” said Yearling. She shouldn’t lose her temper. “Daring Do” might, but Yearling was supposed to be a kindly old mare. She shouldn’t trash that image.
“You’re honest, at least,” she said.
“I’ll take that as a compliment, Miss Yearling. Or is it Mrs?”
“Just Miss.” Yearling squirmed where she sat. “You hitting on me?”
“Ha! We’d be matched in outspokenness.” Another infuriating sip.
Yearling softened her face. Kindly old mare, after all.
“I doubt it.” She sighed.
“I don’t blame you.” Wind Rider hung his head. “But I am what I am.”
“No, I meant…” Quickly, she shut her mouth. What was she thinking? “Daring Do” had to stay secret!
Besides, Wind Rider might be a cad, but at least everyone knew he was a cad. They knew where they stood with him, even if they stood as far away as possible. Her? Her entire life was put on display in a series of stupid books, and virtually no one even knew Thing One about A. K. Yearling. She’d worked hard to keep it that way.
Because treasure-hunting wasn’t all puzzle-solving and villain-stomping. It was cutthroat. The temples she’d desecrated, the backs stabbed, the lies spun, and the lives ended, not all of them bad guys.
Kill or be killed.
Smiling, Wind Rider raised his glass. “To your prosperity, Miss Yearling?”
Yearling raised her empty glass. “Yeah.”
She left. It wasn’t just Wind Rider’s presence that made her skin crawl now.
Pics
This is a really neat idea! I really love it when fanfiction brings two unlikely characters together in a way that just meshes well.
I do think that this piece comes across as a little hard to understand, though. And not because your dialogue is confusing (far from it, the dialogue is great!), but simply because it takes a long time for that dialogue to get to the point.
I mean, Windrider and AK start taking from the very first sentence, but it really isn't until the sixth to last paragraph that Daring's emotional arc is even hinted at. Up until that point, I was really struggling to figure out what I was supposed to be getting from this convo. Is this an old mares blues story? A past flame story? Even until the very line before the paragraph that starts with "Besides, Windrider might be a cad", I was still wondering what the story was actually about, and I was thinking it might be about it becoming harder and harder for Daring to maintain her secret identity or something.
My point is, with a minific I feel that you really need to straight-up tell the reader what the story is going to be about within the first hundred words or so. Otherwise, it's just hard for the reader to feel invested reading dialogue that they don't have emotional context for. Granted, the story is a lot better on the 2nd or 3rd reading, but it will lack the punch that a good first reading (which is always the most invested and emotional) can give it.
I do think that this piece comes across as a little hard to understand, though. And not because your dialogue is confusing (far from it, the dialogue is great!), but simply because it takes a long time for that dialogue to get to the point.
I mean, Windrider and AK start taking from the very first sentence, but it really isn't until the sixth to last paragraph that Daring's emotional arc is even hinted at. Up until that point, I was really struggling to figure out what I was supposed to be getting from this convo. Is this an old mares blues story? A past flame story? Even until the very line before the paragraph that starts with "Besides, Windrider might be a cad", I was still wondering what the story was actually about, and I was thinking it might be about it becoming harder and harder for Daring to maintain her secret identity or something.
My point is, with a minific I feel that you really need to straight-up tell the reader what the story is going to be about within the first hundred words or so. Otherwise, it's just hard for the reader to feel invested reading dialogue that they don't have emotional context for. Granted, the story is a lot better on the 2nd or 3rd reading, but it will lack the punch that a good first reading (which is always the most invested and emotional) can give it.
Genre: AARP Shipping
Thoughts: Curse you >>Bachiavellian, you keep stealing my thunder! :-p I'll echo the point of trying to figure out what the story was about until pretty close to the end. I thought it was surely an old-flame story until the last possible moment. But I can live without that, even if I think DaringRider (DoRider?) could be a peculiar but interesting ship.
Let me pick on the one thing that really stood out as funky: I felt like there was a lack of scene-setting at the moment where AK and Wind Rider go get the drink. Up to that moment, I was under the impression that AK was surrounded by a crowd of fans... but suddenly they've escaped the fans and are sidling up to a bar? Do ravenous fans truly let their quarries go so easily? As one such fan, I submit that they do not. :-p But either way, fleshing out that transition would help make it less jarring.
This is also a bit in need of a spelling/grammar tune-up; it's not bad for the most part, but there are some moments that (to repeat a word) jarred me out of the story.
All in all, I think there's a strong idea here! It just takes quite a while for it to come out in all its glory. And it's a bit muddy when it does turn up due to the potholes in scene-setting and possible ship-teasing that it had to wade through on its way in.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: Curse you >>Bachiavellian, you keep stealing my thunder! :-p I'll echo the point of trying to figure out what the story was about until pretty close to the end. I thought it was surely an old-flame story until the last possible moment. But I can live without that, even if I think DaringRider (DoRider?) could be a peculiar but interesting ship.
Let me pick on the one thing that really stood out as funky: I felt like there was a lack of scene-setting at the moment where AK and Wind Rider go get the drink. Up to that moment, I was under the impression that AK was surrounded by a crowd of fans... but suddenly they've escaped the fans and are sidling up to a bar? Do ravenous fans truly let their quarries go so easily? As one such fan, I submit that they do not. :-p But either way, fleshing out that transition would help make it less jarring.
This is also a bit in need of a spelling/grammar tune-up; it's not bad for the most part, but there are some moments that (to repeat a word) jarred me out of the story.
All in all, I think there's a strong idea here! It just takes quite a while for it to come out in all its glory. And it's a bit muddy when it does turn up due to the potholes in scene-setting and possible ship-teasing that it had to wade through on its way in.
Tier: Keep Developing
I'm going to half disagree with >>Bachiavellian and >>CoffeeMinion about leading more with Daring's character arc. I agree with the diagnosis -- that when it comes up at the end, it feels abrupt and a little unmoored. But I disagree with the prescription.
Structurally, I think the story works just fine swinging in with that as a twist/moment of epiphany: the tension with her old schoolfriend was quite sufficient for me as a hook for the character drama here, especially with that conflict between her public and secret identities layered in. And there's plenty of precedent for minifics relying on twists/recontextualizations rather than laying out all their cards right at the start. It's a balancing act, though: when you reach the twist you have to feel like it makes everything come together, and that it's at least anchored to something earlier which it resolves.
I think the problem here is an anchoring problem, and I think it's a problem of blowing canon expectations apart. Specifically:
hold the phone whaaaaaaaaat
Throughout the story, Daring seems entirely compatible with show Do, which is to say: a hero, not just a tomb robber. And then we hit that one line, upon which the entire story arc rests, and with no warning we're being told to believe she's basically Caballeron in heels. That's what needs to be established hard and early, if you want us to believe it.
I, for one, kind of want to be sold on it, because I'm curious to see what you do with that kind of bold subversion. And the rest of the story holds my interest just fine. So this'll be another one that's just right on the cusp of doing something great, and while already worthy in many ways, falls just short with text as written.
Tier: (low) Strong
Structurally, I think the story works just fine swinging in with that as a twist/moment of epiphany: the tension with her old schoolfriend was quite sufficient for me as a hook for the character drama here, especially with that conflict between her public and secret identities layered in. And there's plenty of precedent for minifics relying on twists/recontextualizations rather than laying out all their cards right at the start. It's a balancing act, though: when you reach the twist you have to feel like it makes everything come together, and that it's at least anchored to something earlier which it resolves.
I think the problem here is an anchoring problem, and I think it's a problem of blowing canon expectations apart. Specifically:
and the lives ended, not all of them bad guys
hold the phone whaaaaaaaaat
Throughout the story, Daring seems entirely compatible with show Do, which is to say: a hero, not just a tomb robber. And then we hit that one line, upon which the entire story arc rests, and with no warning we're being told to believe she's basically Caballeron in heels. That's what needs to be established hard and early, if you want us to believe it.
I, for one, kind of want to be sold on it, because I'm curious to see what you do with that kind of bold subversion. And the rest of the story holds my interest just fine. So this'll be another one that's just right on the cusp of doing something great, and while already worthy in many ways, falls just short with text as written.
Tier: (low) Strong
Alright, I was recommended on the Discord to review this story, and though I honestly don't think I could add anything else aside from what my fellow authors above had mentioned, I thought I should at least follow through.
Wind Rider and Daring Do being high school acquaintances (I doubt they're friends) is something I've never seen before, so that's already a +1 for me. They play off each other quite well in the story, and though I hoped we see the conversation brought to other places — Daring Do seemed pretty fixated on Rainbow Dash for a little bit too long — I'm personally happy to see their interaction play out the way it did. Their characterization is in line with the show, so props for that as well, especially with nailing Wind Rider in particular.
Now, plot-wise, I'm sharing a lot of the opinions that my fellow writers have mentioned, in that the story seems to take too long to set up the scene before going for the punchline that the title seems to be implying it would lead to. I do like the implications that Daring Do was left with by the last sentence, but the chain of events didn't seem to lead up to that. I think part of the problem may be because setting up and clearing up the conflict just seemed to take so long.
The crux of the story seems to only really start from 'They chose seats right on the edge'. The scene and dialogue before that do set up the story in terms of structure, but I find myself questioning the motivation behind having it in. Does Daring Do and Wind Rider meeting at a convention bear anything of significant importance to the story? Does it bring anything to the characters other than their reunion? I find myself looking at the scene and picking it apart, hoping that there's something that tells us more than the fact that they were high school buds, and let's face it, whatever their relationship with each other was, it still isn't going to affect the ending that I was left with.
I genuinely enjoyed the concept of Daring Do unwillingly connecting with Wind Rider in that sense. It definitely stood out, because it was the only moment of finding common ground our two characters have had throughout the story and it was something Daring Do seemed to find antagonistic as much as it was intrinsic to her line of work, even if it wasn't explicitly stated. I just wished the ideas surrounding it encapsulated the story from start to finish. Perhaps if you're willing to go even further, I wish Wind Rider can have a more active role in pushing Daring towards that conclusion, unwittingly or otherwise.
All in all, it's a story which I believed the concept that it seemed to be rooting for did come through after a few rereads, but it requires some restructuring and focus. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the dynamic of the story more than I had initially after my first read through, and I wouldn't hesitate to see more of them together should you decide to turn them into a series! Thanks for writing this, and also congrats on making it, fellow writer!
Wind Rider and Daring Do being high school acquaintances (I doubt they're friends) is something I've never seen before, so that's already a +1 for me. They play off each other quite well in the story, and though I hoped we see the conversation brought to other places — Daring Do seemed pretty fixated on Rainbow Dash for a little bit too long — I'm personally happy to see their interaction play out the way it did. Their characterization is in line with the show, so props for that as well, especially with nailing Wind Rider in particular.
Now, plot-wise, I'm sharing a lot of the opinions that my fellow writers have mentioned, in that the story seems to take too long to set up the scene before going for the punchline that the title seems to be implying it would lead to. I do like the implications that Daring Do was left with by the last sentence, but the chain of events didn't seem to lead up to that. I think part of the problem may be because setting up and clearing up the conflict just seemed to take so long.
The crux of the story seems to only really start from 'They chose seats right on the edge'. The scene and dialogue before that do set up the story in terms of structure, but I find myself questioning the motivation behind having it in. Does Daring Do and Wind Rider meeting at a convention bear anything of significant importance to the story? Does it bring anything to the characters other than their reunion? I find myself looking at the scene and picking it apart, hoping that there's something that tells us more than the fact that they were high school buds, and let's face it, whatever their relationship with each other was, it still isn't going to affect the ending that I was left with.
I genuinely enjoyed the concept of Daring Do unwillingly connecting with Wind Rider in that sense. It definitely stood out, because it was the only moment of finding common ground our two characters have had throughout the story and it was something Daring Do seemed to find antagonistic as much as it was intrinsic to her line of work, even if it wasn't explicitly stated. I just wished the ideas surrounding it encapsulated the story from start to finish. Perhaps if you're willing to go even further, I wish Wind Rider can have a more active role in pushing Daring towards that conclusion, unwittingly or otherwise.
All in all, it's a story which I believed the concept that it seemed to be rooting for did come through after a few rereads, but it requires some restructuring and focus. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the dynamic of the story more than I had initially after my first read through, and I wouldn't hesitate to see more of them together should you decide to turn them into a series! Thanks for writing this, and also congrats on making it, fellow writer!