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Cheerilee's Five
The same old Cheerilee, in the same old classroom, looked out onto the same old playground and saw what were essentially the same old foals rushing around. The bully shouting. The manic running around. The quiet one. The nutcase scribbling furiously.
In their midst, Captain Pip, pirate of the five seas, on forays to strange lands after rare treasures.
Cheerilee sighed and returned to the same old desk. Since no one was around…
She took out an old framed photograph. Her, and five fillies from her school days. Fruitbasket. Honey Drop. Cotton Top. Blueberry Swirl. And Rarity.
Her brow hardened. So Captain Cheerilee she’d be.
As soon as the foals poured in, she put on her best smile. The Five used to love her smile. She wouldn’t abandon them.
During those summer holidays, Captain Cheerilee set sail. Set a course for pony number one: Fruitbasket! Town of Tall Tale.
Fruitbasket was a safe bet. Used to be the quiet one. She’d never been the adventurous type…
Wait, what!?
Cheerilee hurried back. Examined the poster.
Went inside the Pineapple Palace.
Fruitbasket!? Exotic dancer!?
Right there on the stage. Still using the kicks and turns Cheerilee had taught her long ago!
Cheerilee asked around. Fruitbasket: the most beloved mare in town. Exotic, exciting, and endlessly pursued: stallions tried to climb onto the stage.
Burning inside, Cheerilee fled.
Once again, Captain Cheerilee set sail! Pony number two: Honey Drop. Manehattan.
Honey Drop was their nutcase, drawing impossible contraptions. Ashamed for thinking it, Cheerilee suspected such a nutcase wouldn’t possibly become famous.
Hungry, Cheerilee went to a diner.
Pancakes? Pancakes, please.
With honey? Please.
Honey Drop’s finest?
A pause.
Honey Drop’s…?
Cheerilee asked around, ran, found the Tower of Honey: a hexagonal prism. Rushed inside.
Honey Drops. A room filled with beehives. A factory, taking and replacing slots of beehive, filling jars.
“My patented Honey-o-Matic Machine!” Honey Drops shook her by the hoof. “You told me to believe in myself, Cheerilee! And here I am!”
Cheerilee wore the smile for as long as she could.
Wearily, Captain Cheerilee braved stormy seas. Someone had to be in the same boat as her. A backwater schoolmarm, not a superstar dancer, honey emperor, dressmaker extraordinaire! Perhaps pony number three: Cotton Top!
And pony number four, it turned out. Groaning, Captain Cheerilee learned about Cotton Top and Blueberry Swirl. Canterlot Celebrities.
Defeated, Cheerilee arrived. Still, for the sake of old friends, she had to reconnect. It had been too long. Their old days had been her best days, when she could shout and scream at the world and spit on the idea of being respectable.
The Cheerilee Five were singers! They’d started the Rockin’ Beat. They’d told the world – the stuffy, traditionalist, old-mare’s world – that they were free!
She attended the concert this night, more out of duty than anything else.
Blueberry Swirl, shouting orders on the stage. She’d always been a bully. Cotton Top rushing about with costumes. Always the manic one.
Then the show started.
They were magnificent.
And she? Stuffy, traditionalist, old mare.
She left.
The same old Cheerilee, in the same old classroom, looked out onto the same old playground and saw Captain Pip. Oh yes, he’d rally them today. And tomorrow, he’d be an accountant, or something, while they went on to have amazing adventures instead.
Cheerilee forced her smile when they came in. She went through another forgettable lesson.
Eventually, all the foals left. She ventured outside, trying to look on the bright side. At least her students loved her. She had a cosy town with good neighbours. She had her health.
She had…
Five friends, waiting on the path.
Fruitbasket. Honey Drop. Cotton Top. Blueberry Swirl.
And Rarity.
All there. All beaming at her. All reaching forwards for a group hug she wasn’t remotely prepared for, but which took her back.
But how? Why?
They’d liked seeing her again. She’d always inspired them, loved them, pushed them up to be more than they thought they’d ever be. To see her come looking for them had made them realize what they were missing.
They made her Captain Cheerilee again. They asked her where to? Old Sugar Cube corner? For old time’s sake?
Stunned, but smiling for real this time, Cheerilee forced herself not to cry. She had to hide the pain she’d felt. Shame on her for feeling it!
For now, she’d pretend. For them.
Captain Cheerilee’s crew set a course: Ponyville. Cradle of their youth.
In their midst, Captain Pip, pirate of the five seas, on forays to strange lands after rare treasures.
Cheerilee sighed and returned to the same old desk. Since no one was around…
She took out an old framed photograph. Her, and five fillies from her school days. Fruitbasket. Honey Drop. Cotton Top. Blueberry Swirl. And Rarity.
Her brow hardened. So Captain Cheerilee she’d be.
As soon as the foals poured in, she put on her best smile. The Five used to love her smile. She wouldn’t abandon them.
During those summer holidays, Captain Cheerilee set sail. Set a course for pony number one: Fruitbasket! Town of Tall Tale.
Fruitbasket was a safe bet. Used to be the quiet one. She’d never been the adventurous type…
Wait, what!?
Cheerilee hurried back. Examined the poster.
Went inside the Pineapple Palace.
Fruitbasket!? Exotic dancer!?
Right there on the stage. Still using the kicks and turns Cheerilee had taught her long ago!
Cheerilee asked around. Fruitbasket: the most beloved mare in town. Exotic, exciting, and endlessly pursued: stallions tried to climb onto the stage.
Burning inside, Cheerilee fled.
Once again, Captain Cheerilee set sail! Pony number two: Honey Drop. Manehattan.
Honey Drop was their nutcase, drawing impossible contraptions. Ashamed for thinking it, Cheerilee suspected such a nutcase wouldn’t possibly become famous.
Hungry, Cheerilee went to a diner.
Pancakes? Pancakes, please.
With honey? Please.
Honey Drop’s finest?
A pause.
Honey Drop’s…?
Cheerilee asked around, ran, found the Tower of Honey: a hexagonal prism. Rushed inside.
Honey Drops. A room filled with beehives. A factory, taking and replacing slots of beehive, filling jars.
“My patented Honey-o-Matic Machine!” Honey Drops shook her by the hoof. “You told me to believe in myself, Cheerilee! And here I am!”
Cheerilee wore the smile for as long as she could.
Wearily, Captain Cheerilee braved stormy seas. Someone had to be in the same boat as her. A backwater schoolmarm, not a superstar dancer, honey emperor, dressmaker extraordinaire! Perhaps pony number three: Cotton Top!
And pony number four, it turned out. Groaning, Captain Cheerilee learned about Cotton Top and Blueberry Swirl. Canterlot Celebrities.
Defeated, Cheerilee arrived. Still, for the sake of old friends, she had to reconnect. It had been too long. Their old days had been her best days, when she could shout and scream at the world and spit on the idea of being respectable.
The Cheerilee Five were singers! They’d started the Rockin’ Beat. They’d told the world – the stuffy, traditionalist, old-mare’s world – that they were free!
She attended the concert this night, more out of duty than anything else.
Blueberry Swirl, shouting orders on the stage. She’d always been a bully. Cotton Top rushing about with costumes. Always the manic one.
Then the show started.
They were magnificent.
And she? Stuffy, traditionalist, old mare.
She left.
The same old Cheerilee, in the same old classroom, looked out onto the same old playground and saw Captain Pip. Oh yes, he’d rally them today. And tomorrow, he’d be an accountant, or something, while they went on to have amazing adventures instead.
Cheerilee forced her smile when they came in. She went through another forgettable lesson.
Eventually, all the foals left. She ventured outside, trying to look on the bright side. At least her students loved her. She had a cosy town with good neighbours. She had her health.
She had…
Five friends, waiting on the path.
Fruitbasket. Honey Drop. Cotton Top. Blueberry Swirl.
And Rarity.
All there. All beaming at her. All reaching forwards for a group hug she wasn’t remotely prepared for, but which took her back.
But how? Why?
They’d liked seeing her again. She’d always inspired them, loved them, pushed them up to be more than they thought they’d ever be. To see her come looking for them had made them realize what they were missing.
They made her Captain Cheerilee again. They asked her where to? Old Sugar Cube corner? For old time’s sake?
Stunned, but smiling for real this time, Cheerilee forced herself not to cry. She had to hide the pain she’d felt. Shame on her for feeling it!
For now, she’d pretend. For them.
Captain Cheerilee’s crew set a course: Ponyville. Cradle of their youth.
Pics
I have a bad tendency to micro-paragraph, but I think you're really overdoing it here. Making every sentence its own paragraph for the sake of constant emphasis gets stale very quickly.
Despite Cheerilee's perspective, the writing style feels tellier than it needs to be. Try to show us more of Cheerilee's emotions and thoughts via her actions. You do it well in many places, but I'm sure you can push it further.
I was confused about the Cheerilee Five. That came totally out of left field. Were they an actual girl band, or was it something they pretended to do? Either way, more clarity and context would have helped me.
Despite Cheerilee's perspective, the writing style feels tellier than it needs to be. Try to show us more of Cheerilee's emotions and thoughts via her actions. You do it well in many places, but I'm sure you can push it further.
I was confused about the Cheerilee Five. That came totally out of left field. Were they an actual girl band, or was it something they pretended to do? Either way, more clarity and context would have helped me.
I really like this take on Cheerilee's character. She sometimes really does give off the vibe of not being entirely happy with where she is in life, so building on that with a mid-life crisis is a solid premise.
In terms of execution, I tend not to be a fan of chopping up a minific into several scenes. I get that you're trying to save some wordcount while showing these big ideas and emotions, but in practice each of the sections feel a tad rushed. It does help the emotional development immensely that we have these all these little direct snippets of Cheerilee's thoughts, but a side effect of relying on these so heavily is that it does skew your sentences towards being even shorter and choppier, which worsens this sense of being rushed through the story.
Even with this minimalist style, I can't help but think this story needs to be at least twice the current length. I really like where this piece goes, but at the moment it feels less like a journey to me and more like a race.
In terms of execution, I tend not to be a fan of chopping up a minific into several scenes. I get that you're trying to save some wordcount while showing these big ideas and emotions, but in practice each of the sections feel a tad rushed. It does help the emotional development immensely that we have these all these little direct snippets of Cheerilee's thoughts, but a side effect of relying on these so heavily is that it does skew your sentences towards being even shorter and choppier, which worsens this sense of being rushed through the story.
Even with this minimalist style, I can't help but think this story needs to be at least twice the current length. I really like where this piece goes, but at the moment it feels less like a journey to me and more like a race.
Aw.
Strongly agreed with above comments that the pace of this feels quite rushed as part of the struggle to fit this into the minific wordcount (and the telliness contributes to that: this feels very narrated). Still, the nostalgia is real. It's surprising how much this does pack into its sprawling skeleton. A solid job was done paring it down; it's just that it feels like too much was taken off.
Even so, this was good at its current length. I think it'll be excellent at FIMFic-publishable size, once you let the story breathe again. No particular top-level critique otherwise.
Tier: Strong
Strongly agreed with above comments that the pace of this feels quite rushed as part of the struggle to fit this into the minific wordcount (and the telliness contributes to that: this feels very narrated). Still, the nostalgia is real. It's surprising how much this does pack into its sprawling skeleton. A solid job was done paring it down; it's just that it feels like too much was taken off.
Even so, this was good at its current length. I think it'll be excellent at FIMFic-publishable size, once you let the story breathe again. No particular top-level critique otherwise.
Tier: Strong
I usually am a big fan of stories with a sprawling concept and an acute attention to detail. Part of the fun for me in reading it is to dissect and extract the smallest pieces of information that's usually hidden between the lines, however grand or sparse they may be. It certainly improves my reading experience if the writer brings something more to the table than just the story at its surface.
This isn't that kind of story, but I still liked it a lot, and that's saying something.
I actually liked the choppy, fragmented structure in this story, even if it's done unintentionally. For me, it's a reflection of Cheerilee's plethora of shock, confusion, amazement, and slow-burning frustration. To basically distill all her encounters down to the smallest details that mattered to her and the comparison she inevitably makes to her day-to-day life I find hits home the disillusionment she feels.
There's still some small pieces of information that I think the story could do without ('And she? Stuffy, traditionalist, old mare.', the frequent callbacks to the sea, the whole bit about the Cherilee five being singers) that could otherwise give you more room to maneuver. I do think there are some threads in the story that were left unexplored as well, the most poignant one being Rarity. I'm drawing the assumption that Rarity was first mate of the Five, and that her 'betrayal' of sorts hit Cheerilee the hardest. Whatever it may be, it's an interesting choice to leave her out of the story yet seem essential to the equation at the same time.
As it is, I really enjoyed this story, and I'd fave it even if it's left alone in this state, though I suspect there's a lot more going on behind the scenes that you've intended to put in, yet cannot do so because of the word count. Either way, this one made me smile a lot and I can't wait to see what else is in store, should there be more.
Best of luck to you, fellow writer!
This isn't that kind of story, but I still liked it a lot, and that's saying something.
I actually liked the choppy, fragmented structure in this story, even if it's done unintentionally. For me, it's a reflection of Cheerilee's plethora of shock, confusion, amazement, and slow-burning frustration. To basically distill all her encounters down to the smallest details that mattered to her and the comparison she inevitably makes to her day-to-day life I find hits home the disillusionment she feels.
There's still some small pieces of information that I think the story could do without ('And she? Stuffy, traditionalist, old mare.', the frequent callbacks to the sea, the whole bit about the Cherilee five being singers) that could otherwise give you more room to maneuver. I do think there are some threads in the story that were left unexplored as well, the most poignant one being Rarity. I'm drawing the assumption that Rarity was first mate of the Five, and that her 'betrayal' of sorts hit Cheerilee the hardest. Whatever it may be, it's an interesting choice to leave her out of the story yet seem essential to the equation at the same time.
As it is, I really enjoyed this story, and I'd fave it even if it's left alone in this state, though I suspect there's a lot more going on behind the scenes that you've intended to put in, yet cannot do so because of the word count. Either way, this one made me smile a lot and I can't wait to see what else is in store, should there be more.
Best of luck to you, fellow writer!
