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In Caverns Deep at Night
Ah, a dream traveller, are you? You bear the stink of certain magics that are used to enter the Astral Realms. Do not panic; preserve your strength! Though you are trapped in a spider web, please relax, I am not here to harm you, but to help. This form of dark blue and black is how I am accustomed to appear in the Lands of Dream.
Your imagination is what brought you to this dangerous section of the Astral Realms, and, properly guided, it is what will free you. Listen to me. Just imagine that the garments you wear have become slick, as if they are made of oilcloth or silk… Ah! There you go, the web already loosens around you. Carefully, now…
Oh, dear. Are you okay there, in that pit below? Your imagination is powerful, and you did your work too well! Don’t worry, I will assist you. But we must be swift, for the dreamspider that made that web may return at any moment. Do you see that small dark crevice there? It leads back to the surface, and to safety. It is a tricky path, but I will guide you.
You are of course too large to fit, but all you have to do is employ your dreampowers. Look upon the world around you, imagine yourself growing smaller, smaller… Excellent! Hurry, let us proceed down this tunnel. I shall produce some light from my horn to guide us. These dank, close walls are much cheerier when one has a companion.
Oh, now here is a problem. How shall you cross this chasm? Once again, let me instruct you. Imagine the wings of a dragonfly, shining with iridescence, as the creature darts nimbly about in a field of flowers. Imagine yourself flying with the dragonfly. Imagine that its wings are becoming your wings… Carefully… Done! Excellent work, you are very good at this! Now, let us fly together across the chasm. Hurry, foul things lie below!
You have made good progress, but there is still some distance to go before we reach the exit, and safety. This tunnel here will be a challenge. Hear that rumbling noise, the thud of the heart of the mighty beast? The light from its internal fires may reveal us. We must not awaken it. A simple change to your garments will help. Make them darker, sleeker, let them press closely about you like armor… there! Now you are well protected against cuts and scrapes, and can creep with me through the shadows.
We are almost there, now. This tall cavern ahead is the last great obstacle. See that tunnel so far overhead, on that tall wall? That is our goal. I do not suggest that you fly here; the stalactites on the ceiling are sharp and fragile. A four-footed stance like mine is best for climbing that wall, and I suggest you adopt it. Bend forward, imagine your hands and feet replaced with broad sure hooves… there you go! Now follow me. That buzzing noise? It will not trouble us. Follow me as we leap from ledge to ledge, as nimble as mountain goats.
Ha, we have reached the top safely. Can you smell that whiff of fresh air? The end is close at hand. Come with me along this tunnel. Do not concern yourself with those dark shapes about us, whose eyes gleam in the dark; they are my allies and they shall not harm you. This way, please, to this great chamber lit by glowing fungi…
And now, welcome, Traveller! You have made it to safety.
Do you see that gleam of light in the distance? That is the exit to the surface that I mentioned. But why go there, when you are already safe here? This is my place of power, for the stuff of dreams is also the stuff of change. And now that you are subject to me, I need but exert my own magic a bit, and… the changes you have wrought on yourself along the way are permanent; this is the new true shape of your soul, and when you awaken, you shall take your place as one of my own, in my hive. And these dark buzzing shapes, with their shiny carapaces and lacey wings that press close around you… they are your new siblings. You shall find this a rewarding life, for I am very generous to those who serve me well, and you have such great talent, and an excellent imagination.
Your imagination is what brought you to this dangerous section of the Astral Realms, and, properly guided, it is what will free you. Listen to me. Just imagine that the garments you wear have become slick, as if they are made of oilcloth or silk… Ah! There you go, the web already loosens around you. Carefully, now…
Oh, dear. Are you okay there, in that pit below? Your imagination is powerful, and you did your work too well! Don’t worry, I will assist you. But we must be swift, for the dreamspider that made that web may return at any moment. Do you see that small dark crevice there? It leads back to the surface, and to safety. It is a tricky path, but I will guide you.
You are of course too large to fit, but all you have to do is employ your dreampowers. Look upon the world around you, imagine yourself growing smaller, smaller… Excellent! Hurry, let us proceed down this tunnel. I shall produce some light from my horn to guide us. These dank, close walls are much cheerier when one has a companion.
Oh, now here is a problem. How shall you cross this chasm? Once again, let me instruct you. Imagine the wings of a dragonfly, shining with iridescence, as the creature darts nimbly about in a field of flowers. Imagine yourself flying with the dragonfly. Imagine that its wings are becoming your wings… Carefully… Done! Excellent work, you are very good at this! Now, let us fly together across the chasm. Hurry, foul things lie below!
You have made good progress, but there is still some distance to go before we reach the exit, and safety. This tunnel here will be a challenge. Hear that rumbling noise, the thud of the heart of the mighty beast? The light from its internal fires may reveal us. We must not awaken it. A simple change to your garments will help. Make them darker, sleeker, let them press closely about you like armor… there! Now you are well protected against cuts and scrapes, and can creep with me through the shadows.
We are almost there, now. This tall cavern ahead is the last great obstacle. See that tunnel so far overhead, on that tall wall? That is our goal. I do not suggest that you fly here; the stalactites on the ceiling are sharp and fragile. A four-footed stance like mine is best for climbing that wall, and I suggest you adopt it. Bend forward, imagine your hands and feet replaced with broad sure hooves… there you go! Now follow me. That buzzing noise? It will not trouble us. Follow me as we leap from ledge to ledge, as nimble as mountain goats.
Ha, we have reached the top safely. Can you smell that whiff of fresh air? The end is close at hand. Come with me along this tunnel. Do not concern yourself with those dark shapes about us, whose eyes gleam in the dark; they are my allies and they shall not harm you. This way, please, to this great chamber lit by glowing fungi…
And now, welcome, Traveller! You have made it to safety.
Do you see that gleam of light in the distance? That is the exit to the surface that I mentioned. But why go there, when you are already safe here? This is my place of power, for the stuff of dreams is also the stuff of change. And now that you are subject to me, I need but exert my own magic a bit, and… the changes you have wrought on yourself along the way are permanent; this is the new true shape of your soul, and when you awaken, you shall take your place as one of my own, in my hive. And these dark buzzing shapes, with their shiny carapaces and lacey wings that press close around you… they are your new siblings. You shall find this a rewarding life, for I am very generous to those who serve me well, and you have such great talent, and an excellent imagination.
Pics
I like this, but the way the voice speaks felt stilted to me, and it annoyed me a little. Second-pony fics are difficult to do properly. I felt like I was being spoken to like a child in a children's book, with heavy exclamations and overly-telly statements distracting me and distancing me from the mood you were clearly trying to establish. I don't see the narrator speaking like this: they currently sound more like a mix of Cheerilee and Discord than who they are supposed to be.
You capitalize Traveller in one place but not the other.
You capitalize Traveller in one place but not the other.
This feels like an alternate take/subversion of another story from a few rounds ago that read almost identically, though bugger if I can remember the name of it. Which, I liked that other story's originality in style, so nice job replicating it (unintentionally or not).
As for the content itself, I find myself kind of totally baffled. It obviously starts off as a "Luna guides a wayward traveler" sort of thing, and the small changes along the way make it clear there's Changeling foolery afoot, but the whole thing still seems to take place in a legitimate dreamscape where Chryssi ought not to be, so I'm just like... okay how did that happen?
I'm a fan of mystery and not tipping your hand all the way to the reader, but I've been through this twice and if there are any clues as to why Chrysalis is in the dreamscape, or if it's not actually a dream, I have missed them entirely. But be not discouraged! There's good seed here.
As for the content itself, I find myself kind of totally baffled. It obviously starts off as a "Luna guides a wayward traveler" sort of thing, and the small changes along the way make it clear there's Changeling foolery afoot, but the whole thing still seems to take place in a legitimate dreamscape where Chryssi ought not to be, so I'm just like... okay how did that happen?
I'm a fan of mystery and not tipping your hand all the way to the reader, but I've been through this twice and if there are any clues as to why Chrysalis is in the dreamscape, or if it's not actually a dream, I have missed them entirely. But be not discouraged! There's good seed here.
Author, I'd like to specifically point out one writing choice here that you might want to work on with editing:
It's hard to do dramatic monologue without breaking immersion, and this common trope is the reason why. You've got lines littered throughout the fic that paint the scene for the reader, but don't actually work with your conceit: that the narrator is speaking throughout to the protagonist. Whatever the merits of the rest of the story, there are readers who are going to keep getting broken out of their suspension of disbelief by this. (Like, uh, me.)
Describing a scene with speech alone takes a fine touch, but it ultimately goes back to the show/tell distinction. Telling the reader what's going on allows you to efficiently set the scene and move on; showing requires the reader to engage and creates immersion. Similarly, if you have someone As You Know, Bob the situation, you slam the context down in front of the reader and paint the picture quickly, but talking about the facts of the situation -- rather than giving the facts of the situation -- is what draws the reader in.
"Oh, dear! Are you alright? ... I apologize; I probably should have suggested you grab the web before you unstuck yourself. It'll be easier to climb back up here if you shift about three paces to your right. Don't favor that arm, though -- it's only as hurt as you convince yourself it is."
Note what you want to paint a picture of here. The physical surroundings aren't actually important -- except insofar as they drive the protagonist's struggles. So you don't need specifically to describe the physical surroundings, only how they force the hero to react. With the description above, the reader may picture a cliff instead of a pit (which is fine unless your story specifically requires a pit for a later plot beat) -- but I think the paragraph above is something I could believe I'm hearing from someone trying to guide another person through that situation. (If not, refine further: I'm writing this off the cuff.)
The opening paragraph is a little trickier, and I'm going to dissect it at greater length, because it's got more goals to accomplish than just setting the scene immersively. You're also trying to set a hook and orient the reader from a cold start. (And disclaimer, again, that this is just a suggestion and I'm not infallible.)
Now, this clocks in at far longer -- 112 words to your 66. (Again, tell has the benefit of efficiency, at least.) And, while it sets the same stuck-in-a-web scene, it's less informative overall. (I feel like Luna's colors are still wedged in awkwardly, and there's nothing grounding the protagonist yet.) But here's what you get in exchange for that tradeoff: the sense of urgency missing from the original scene.
The Protagonist is stuck in a dreamspider's web and a shadowy figure just appeared. I don't know about you, but in that situation I would be panicking pretty hard. Neither one of them is going to be thinking about how Luna (well, "Luna") senses the stink of astral magics on T.P., or really even banter about her coloration (as much as you need and want to get that established early). The two of them get a chance to catch their breath after the immediate crisis is resolved -- use that to answer questions. (This also gives you a chance to predict the reader's reaction: ask yourself what questions you'd be asking in that situation, and make a point of answering them. Nothing breaks a reader out of second person faster than saying, "Hey, that's not what I'd say/do." That's the other reason I suggest a tighter focus up front.)
If you're cold-opening with a problem, focus on that problem. Yes, you have to work facts about the situation in somehow -- and you have to work in enough context to get the reader started -- but if you lay out the problem and then stop to chat, you're setting your problem up as less important than the exposition you interrupt it for. Every fact you add which isn't directly relevant to solving the problem makes the problem look more distant and less interesting. I think you gain more from setting the hook hard here than you lose from having to cut 50 words (and work in a little more exposition) later.
Anyway, I hope I've given you something to think about with this. I do like the twist the story ends up using (though I have so many questions); I just think this could strongly benefit from dodging the common second-person and narrative/epistolary pitfalls. Immersion is precious no matter what type of story you're telling.
Tier: Almost There
Though you are trapped in a spider web, please relax,
Are you okay there, in that pit below?
Oh, now here is a problem. How shall you cross this chasm?
It's hard to do dramatic monologue without breaking immersion, and this common trope is the reason why. You've got lines littered throughout the fic that paint the scene for the reader, but don't actually work with your conceit: that the narrator is speaking throughout to the protagonist. Whatever the merits of the rest of the story, there are readers who are going to keep getting broken out of their suspension of disbelief by this. (Like, uh, me.)
Describing a scene with speech alone takes a fine touch, but it ultimately goes back to the show/tell distinction. Telling the reader what's going on allows you to efficiently set the scene and move on; showing requires the reader to engage and creates immersion. Similarly, if you have someone As You Know, Bob the situation, you slam the context down in front of the reader and paint the picture quickly, but talking about the facts of the situation -- rather than giving the facts of the situation -- is what draws the reader in.
Are you okay there, in that pit below?
"Oh, dear! Are you alright? ... I apologize; I probably should have suggested you grab the web before you unstuck yourself. It'll be easier to climb back up here if you shift about three paces to your right. Don't favor that arm, though -- it's only as hurt as you convince yourself it is."
Note what you want to paint a picture of here. The physical surroundings aren't actually important -- except insofar as they drive the protagonist's struggles. So you don't need specifically to describe the physical surroundings, only how they force the hero to react. With the description above, the reader may picture a cliff instead of a pit (which is fine unless your story specifically requires a pit for a later plot beat) -- but I think the paragraph above is something I could believe I'm hearing from someone trying to guide another person through that situation. (If not, refine further: I'm writing this off the cuff.)
Ah, a dream traveller, are you? You bear the stink of certain magics that are used to enter the Astral Realms. Do not panic; preserve your strength! Though you are trapped in a spider web, please relax, I am not here to harm you, but to help. This form of dark blue and black is how I am accustomed to appear in the Lands of Dream.
The opening paragraph is a little trickier, and I'm going to dissect it at greater length, because it's got more goals to accomplish than just setting the scene immersively. You're also trying to set a hook and orient the reader from a cold start. (And disclaimer, again, that this is just a suggestion and I'm not infallible.)
Do not panic!
Please, traveller, do not panic. I am not here to harm you. You are just going to get yourself further entangled if you thrash about like that.
Stop. Breathe. Calm. Good.
Mine? Hardly -- I am no dreamspider. Why would you -- ah. Here. ... Is this better? I suppose that is the mixed blessing of being dark blue and black; others tend to project their assumptions into your shadows, especially when their fears already give the darkness teeth.
Please, stay your questions until we get you out of danger. We have plenty of time to free you before the spider returns -- but only if you focus and let me guide you ...
Now, this clocks in at far longer -- 112 words to your 66. (Again, tell has the benefit of efficiency, at least.) And, while it sets the same stuck-in-a-web scene, it's less informative overall. (I feel like Luna's colors are still wedged in awkwardly, and there's nothing grounding the protagonist yet.) But here's what you get in exchange for that tradeoff: the sense of urgency missing from the original scene.
The Protagonist is stuck in a dreamspider's web and a shadowy figure just appeared. I don't know about you, but in that situation I would be panicking pretty hard. Neither one of them is going to be thinking about how Luna (well, "Luna") senses the stink of astral magics on T.P., or really even banter about her coloration (as much as you need and want to get that established early). The two of them get a chance to catch their breath after the immediate crisis is resolved -- use that to answer questions. (This also gives you a chance to predict the reader's reaction: ask yourself what questions you'd be asking in that situation, and make a point of answering them. Nothing breaks a reader out of second person faster than saying, "Hey, that's not what I'd say/do." That's the other reason I suggest a tighter focus up front.)
If you're cold-opening with a problem, focus on that problem. Yes, you have to work facts about the situation in somehow -- and you have to work in enough context to get the reader started -- but if you lay out the problem and then stop to chat, you're setting your problem up as less important than the exposition you interrupt it for. Every fact you add which isn't directly relevant to solving the problem makes the problem look more distant and less interesting. I think you gain more from setting the hook hard here than you lose from having to cut 50 words (and work in a little more exposition) later.
Anyway, I hope I've given you something to think about with this. I do like the twist the story ends up using (though I have so many questions); I just think this could strongly benefit from dodging the common second-person and narrative/epistolary pitfalls. Immersion is precious no matter what type of story you're telling.
Tier: Almost There