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Letting Go
A knock sounded on the bedroom door. "Come in!" called Pinkie Pie.
Mrs. Cake entered the room and immediately waved her hoof in front of her nose, wincing. "Pinkie, we need to talk."
Pinkie looked up from where she sat on the floor. "Whaddya wanna talk about?" she asked, cocking her head. With one hoof she petted her little friend.
With a heavy sigh, Mrs. Cake shut the door and sat on the floor next to Pinkie. "Carrot and I have discussed this. You need to move on," she said, very gently.
"Move on? W-what do you mean?" A nervous smile crossed Pinkie's muzzle as beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.
Cup Cake reached over and took Pinkie's hoof in hers, pulling it away from the rotting, lifeless husk. "Pinkie, this has to stop. It's decaying. Badly."
Pinkie laughed out loud. "What? No, silly, he's fine!" she said, reaching over to jiggle her friend back to life. "I'm doing perfectly well, Mrs. Cake," she voiced in a deeper pitch out of one side of her mouth.
Sympathy reflected in Mrs. Cake's eyes. "Pinkie, please. We can't let you keep pretending," she said. "I respect your feelings, but this is a bakery. It's starting to draw flies, and the odor..."
"He is not an 'it'!" said Pinkie with a scowl, but her eyes began to water. "And he could get better..."
"We both know that's not going to happen." Cup pulled Pinkie's hoof away again. "You're a grown mare now. You need to face facts."
"I don't want to lose him..." whispered Pinkie, closing her eyes as a tear rolled down one cheek. "It's not fair! He's still alive to me."
Mrs. Cake took a deep breath. "Pinkie, didn't you have to get rid of... say, a stuffed animal, as a foal?"
Pinkie shook her head. "No. All my toys were rocks," she said.
"Oh, dear... Well, you had to get rid of your rocks, didn't you? When you moved to Ponyville, you didn't bring them with you," said Mrs. Cake. "Were there any special rocks you treated like dolls?"
"Oh, sure! But Dad wouldn't let me bring them here," she said. "He thought I was 'too attached' to them, or something. I dunno." Her mane began to droop.
"What happened to them?"
Pinkie closed her eyes. "I don't know. He probably sold them, or... he ate them."
"Ate them? You... eat rocks?" said Cup, incredulous.
"Yeah," said Pinkie, pulling her hoof away as her mane and tail flattened completely. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"We care about you, Pinkie," said Cup Cake, reaching over to stroke Pinkie's cheek. "If you can't handle this, how are you going to manage when somepony you love dies, like your parents?"
"My parents aren't that old!" said Pinkie, and anger flashed across her cheeks. "I shouldn't have to think about this now!"
"Someday your pet Gummy will die," said Mrs. Cake. "Alligators don't live that long, especially those who share his condition. How are you going to manage then?"
"I have no idea," gasped Pinkie, and she began to sob.
Mrs. Cake pulled Pinkie into a hug. "Fluttershy has pets pass away all the time, and she's learned to deal with it. You can do this too."
"Fluttershy is braver than I am," whimpered Pinkie. "And she's a year older..."
"You're a fully-grown pony, Pinkie. You need to mare up."
Pinkie nodded solemnly. "Do you want me to dig his grave?" she asked, wiping away a tear with her knuckle.
Cup Cake sighed. "Sweetie, no. If we gave him a grave, you'd visit it every day. We need you to be stronger, Pinkie. Fluttershy doesn't dig graves for her pets, does she?"
"N-no," said Pinkie, the word catching in her throat.
"It's the circle of life. Place him in the compost heap, and his body will nourish the garden," said Mrs. Cake. "Do you need me to help you?"
Pinkie paused in silence. "No. I can do it myself," she whispered. With that, Pinkie Pie stood up, picked up her friend in one hoof, and walked out of her room and down to the garden.
Standing in front of the compost heap, Pinkie shed a final tear. "I guess I'm really a mare now," she said, dumping her friend into the refuse with several loud thumps. Then she set the pail down and smiled a sickly smile.
"Goodbye, Mr. Turnip. I'll never forget you," she said. Then she turned and walked away.
Mrs. Cake entered the room and immediately waved her hoof in front of her nose, wincing. "Pinkie, we need to talk."
Pinkie looked up from where she sat on the floor. "Whaddya wanna talk about?" she asked, cocking her head. With one hoof she petted her little friend.
With a heavy sigh, Mrs. Cake shut the door and sat on the floor next to Pinkie. "Carrot and I have discussed this. You need to move on," she said, very gently.
"Move on? W-what do you mean?" A nervous smile crossed Pinkie's muzzle as beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.
Cup Cake reached over and took Pinkie's hoof in hers, pulling it away from the rotting, lifeless husk. "Pinkie, this has to stop. It's decaying. Badly."
Pinkie laughed out loud. "What? No, silly, he's fine!" she said, reaching over to jiggle her friend back to life. "I'm doing perfectly well, Mrs. Cake," she voiced in a deeper pitch out of one side of her mouth.
Sympathy reflected in Mrs. Cake's eyes. "Pinkie, please. We can't let you keep pretending," she said. "I respect your feelings, but this is a bakery. It's starting to draw flies, and the odor..."
"He is not an 'it'!" said Pinkie with a scowl, but her eyes began to water. "And he could get better..."
"We both know that's not going to happen." Cup pulled Pinkie's hoof away again. "You're a grown mare now. You need to face facts."
"I don't want to lose him..." whispered Pinkie, closing her eyes as a tear rolled down one cheek. "It's not fair! He's still alive to me."
Mrs. Cake took a deep breath. "Pinkie, didn't you have to get rid of... say, a stuffed animal, as a foal?"
Pinkie shook her head. "No. All my toys were rocks," she said.
"Oh, dear... Well, you had to get rid of your rocks, didn't you? When you moved to Ponyville, you didn't bring them with you," said Mrs. Cake. "Were there any special rocks you treated like dolls?"
"Oh, sure! But Dad wouldn't let me bring them here," she said. "He thought I was 'too attached' to them, or something. I dunno." Her mane began to droop.
"What happened to them?"
Pinkie closed her eyes. "I don't know. He probably sold them, or... he ate them."
"Ate them? You... eat rocks?" said Cup, incredulous.
"Yeah," said Pinkie, pulling her hoof away as her mane and tail flattened completely. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"We care about you, Pinkie," said Cup Cake, reaching over to stroke Pinkie's cheek. "If you can't handle this, how are you going to manage when somepony you love dies, like your parents?"
"My parents aren't that old!" said Pinkie, and anger flashed across her cheeks. "I shouldn't have to think about this now!"
"Someday your pet Gummy will die," said Mrs. Cake. "Alligators don't live that long, especially those who share his condition. How are you going to manage then?"
"I have no idea," gasped Pinkie, and she began to sob.
Mrs. Cake pulled Pinkie into a hug. "Fluttershy has pets pass away all the time, and she's learned to deal with it. You can do this too."
"Fluttershy is braver than I am," whimpered Pinkie. "And she's a year older..."
"You're a fully-grown pony, Pinkie. You need to mare up."
Pinkie nodded solemnly. "Do you want me to dig his grave?" she asked, wiping away a tear with her knuckle.
Cup Cake sighed. "Sweetie, no. If we gave him a grave, you'd visit it every day. We need you to be stronger, Pinkie. Fluttershy doesn't dig graves for her pets, does she?"
"N-no," said Pinkie, the word catching in her throat.
"It's the circle of life. Place him in the compost heap, and his body will nourish the garden," said Mrs. Cake. "Do you need me to help you?"
Pinkie paused in silence. "No. I can do it myself," she whispered. With that, Pinkie Pie stood up, picked up her friend in one hoof, and walked out of her room and down to the garden.
Standing in front of the compost heap, Pinkie shed a final tear. "I guess I'm really a mare now," she said, dumping her friend into the refuse with several loud thumps. Then she set the pail down and smiled a sickly smile.
"Goodbye, Mr. Turnip. I'll never forget you," she said. Then she turned and walked away.
Pics
Genre: Corpse Removal
Thoughts: Ooo, this is very well-done. Absolutely everything's on point, from the minor trivia like Fluttershy being a year older than Pinkie, to the pace at which we get information drip-fed to us about the situation. Pinkie's characterization and background are great. Mrs. Cake is great. (Why am I finding so much good Mrs. Cake this round?) The ending blunts a little of the effectiveness by having the subject turn out to be someone so much more trivial than expected, but by that point the story has built enough favor to make me willing to take the final leap with it.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Ooo, this is very well-done. Absolutely everything's on point, from the minor trivia like Fluttershy being a year older than Pinkie, to the pace at which we get information drip-fed to us about the situation. Pinkie's characterization and background are great. Mrs. Cake is great. (Why am I finding so much good Mrs. Cake this round?) The ending blunts a little of the effectiveness by having the subject turn out to be someone so much more trivial than expected, but by that point the story has built enough favor to make me willing to take the final leap with it.
Tier: Top Contender
A few awkward lines, like "Sympathy reflected in Mrs. Cake's eyes" and "she voiced in a deeper pitch out of one side of her mouth". But on the whole, this was good. Once Cup mentioned Gummy, you definitely had me hooked, wondering who it was that these two were talking about.
I don't see much to fix here, though it might be nice if we had subtle clues this wasn't Gummy a little earlier on in the story than the halfway mark.
The defiant "they're not that old" statement w.r.t. Pinkie's parents resonated with me pretty hard. My mother has dementia and I've been forced to reckon with my parents' mortality for the first time recently. :pinkiesad:
The defiant "they're not that old" statement w.r.t. Pinkie's parents resonated with me pretty hard. My mother has dementia and I've been forced to reckon with my parents' mortality for the first time recently. :pinkiesad:
… pulling it away from the rotting, lifeless husk
Okay, that's one of the best delayed hooks I've read in a while.
… What a weird roller-coaster. The middle of the story just seemed strange to me — Mrs. Cake's "If you can't handle this, how are you going to manage when somepony you love dies, like your parents?" seems like a bizarre answer to Pinkie's question, given that there's a much more immediate and sensible answer they've already discussed: Pinkie's pet is literally rotting, it's causing problems for the store. And the name-drop of Fluttershy just made me wonder why they weren't getting her to help Pinkie come to grips with this. The exchange about graves jolted me hard. And then I reached the punchline and all of that weird built-up uncomfortable tension twisted around into a cathartic laugh.
So I suppose this accomplished its job. Perhaps even better than it would have if it had been less in-your-face in the middle? Hard to say how I would have liked it if that section had been smoother. But part of me wants to advise more aggressive smoothing down of that central weirdness; that lingering discomfort is sticking with me as much as the final laugh, and that, I'm not sure of the benefit.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
I dunno. I called it from the beginning (not Mr Turnip specifically, but the twist in general) and the rest of the story just was a painfully long wait for the punchline that I knew was coming.
From the other readers' reactions, it seems to work well when the punchline is a surprise.
From the other readers' reactions, it seems to work well when the punchline is a surprise.
Letting Go
a retrospective
Much thanks to >>CoffeeMinion >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>horizon >>Hap for your advice and comments.
This was the better of the two stories I posted, and one I can probably put on Fimfiction without many changes. I need to clear up some things, first.
Horizon and Hap: this is not a comedy. Nothing in this story is humorous to me. The ending is even sadder for me because it reveals that Pinkie can't even let go of something trivial, and this is a big problem for her psychosocially. It's not intended to be a punchline, it's intended to be a punch to the gut.
I decided to write this story while looking at a pile of plushies in my room. It's always been difficult for me to get rid of a plush toy because my mind anthropomorphizes things to an unhealthy extent. I share a lot of personality qualities with Best Pony, and Party of One is a very personal story for me.
As I mentioned in my mock review (I rolled an 18 on random.org for reviewing this one), it also hits a painful nerve with me because my mother suffers from dementia and I am for the first time in my life confronted with the mortality of my parents, my two closest friends next to my husband.
Again, thanks for the advice and comments. I'll probably put this one up on Fimfiction soon. :pinkiesmile:
a retrospective
Much thanks to >>CoffeeMinion >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>horizon >>Hap for your advice and comments.
This was the better of the two stories I posted, and one I can probably put on Fimfiction without many changes. I need to clear up some things, first.
Horizon and Hap: this is not a comedy. Nothing in this story is humorous to me. The ending is even sadder for me because it reveals that Pinkie can't even let go of something trivial, and this is a big problem for her psychosocially. It's not intended to be a punchline, it's intended to be a punch to the gut.
I decided to write this story while looking at a pile of plushies in my room. It's always been difficult for me to get rid of a plush toy because my mind anthropomorphizes things to an unhealthy extent. I share a lot of personality qualities with Best Pony, and Party of One is a very personal story for me.
As I mentioned in my mock review (I rolled an 18 on random.org for reviewing this one), it also hits a painful nerve with me because my mother suffers from dementia and I am for the first time in my life confronted with the mortality of my parents, my two closest friends next to my husband.
Again, thanks for the advice and comments. I'll probably put this one up on Fimfiction soon. :pinkiesmile: