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Keep Pretending · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Last Five Minutes on Earth
They had both taken it down to the wire. The digital display perched on the pedestal that had once supported Canterlot High's mascot statue was down to the single minutes now.

"So," said Sunset. "This is it."

"I guess so," Twilight replied, adjusting her glasses with her one unoccupied hand.

There was a breath of silence between the two girls. Somewhere, a cicada roared out.

"This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't smashed it," Twilight blurted out. "This portal was in complete homeostasis before I—"

"Before Midnight Sparkle," Sunset said. "You weren't yourself."

"I brought it on," Twilight said firmly. "If I had just left well enough alone—"

"If you had left well enough alone, then you wouldn't have been you. And you's who I love."

"Stop it," Twilight whispered, gripping Sunset's hand all the harder.

"Maybe they'll find a way to restore the balance," Sunset said. "Maybe we can stop the slow bleed?"

"Sunset, we've been over this. It's killing this universe. It was bad enough when it was merely shunting power back to the creatures and artifacts your people have sequestered here over the past thousand years. Then, after I—"

"After Midnight Sparkle!"

"After Midnight Sparkle broke it open. The wisps started leaking through. Bringing our worst selves to light. Now it's literally destabilizing the fundamental laws of physics in its vicinity. I'm not going to risk all existence for—"

"I know," Sunset said. "But we'll be able to drop the barrier again, just as soon as we find a foolproof, one hundred percent solution—"

"This is science, Sunset," Twilight sniffed. "How many foolproof, one hundred percent things are there, really?"

"I'm just saying—"

"Sure," said Twilight, closing the topic with her encouraging smile. "If there is a way, you'll be the one to find it."

Quiet, for a moment.

"You could come with me."

"Sunset, please, no. Not again."

"Equestria is beautiful, Twilight. It's a perfect little jewel-box of a universe. Uncharted frontiers, grand cities, tidy little village, beautiful sunsets—"

"Beautiful Sunsets," Twilight said, a tear welling up at the corner of one eye. "Yes, I'm sure there are."

"It's a living paradise, Twilight."

"I'm not a unicorn, Sunset. I will never be a unicorn. I know I'm passing up a thousand kids' elementary school fantasies with this, but I'm not going to live the rest of my life in a place where I wake up every morning keenly aware that my entire body is wrong and that I'm not where I belong."

"Welcome to the last four years of my life," said Sunset. "It gets better. It's bearable."

"I don't want 'bearable,' Sunset," Twilight whispered.

The two of them stared at the little digital clock, its luminescent numbers steadily falling away toward zero.

"If we wish really, really hard," said Sunset, "I bet we can make this moment last forever."

"That isn't how time works."

"We've done the impossible before," said Sunset.

"Yes," Twilight replied. "Yes, we have."

"Commence wishing on my mark," said Sunset, her jaw trembling.

"Roger that," said Twilight, clutching Sunset's hand.

"Three, two, one," said Sunset. "Mark."
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#1 · 1
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Genre: Oroboro

Thoughts: Can I get something clarified here? Is the deal that Sunset has to go through the portal to close it and stop the cross-dimensional badness being threatened? Because right now I'm not really sure what courses of action our heroines are trying to choose between, or what their full set of consequences are. I feel like the story dances around this information but I'm dim enough to need more help.

If I could get another thing clarified, why is there a literal countdown clock on the thingy in question? It's a bit on the nose without more context around the device or whatnot that's counting down. It's the sort of thing where I'd have a much easier time buying that Sci-Twi set a timer on her phone based on her best guesstimate of when Bad Thing X is supposed to happen, unless I can have the scene set for me a bit more.

Now look, I don't really want to sit here and rag on the Author. But I feel like there's some key information missing, and the story is overall very dialogue-heavy besides. Otherwise though, I think this sets the stage for the kind of dramatic/emotional moment of separation it's aiming for. It's just that without those missing pieces, I have to fill in a lot of the blanks myself.

Speaking of which, why do they have to wait to wish something at the end? I fear I just don't get it.

Tier: Keep Developing
#2 ·
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I'm not sure why Sunset wants to return to Equestria, and I think I need that information to buy the drama. She never wanted to return before, and now she's in love, so why should she return now? This is especially true given that she says "you get used to it". This is the only major issue I see.
#3 ·
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I am having trouble sympathizing with the character's motivations, here. For Sunset, the implication that I'm getting is that she would rather leave the broken portal half bubbled up, run to Equestria, and then pat her hands clean while the EQG universe slowly gets destroyed. And Twilight would rather sit in a dying universe or kill herself trying to fix it, rather than letting herself and her girlfriend live happily, because she is both stricken with guilt and doesn't like the idea of being a pony.

I mean, on paper, this kind of makes sense, but in practice I don't see how death is preferable to hooves, or how Sunset would gladly let a universe die. It honestly feels a like the story is trying to manufacture a situation where Sunset and Twilight must disagree. And while I guess writing stories is really nothing but manufacturing conflicts, I'm just having a hard time suspending disbelief.
#4 · 6
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Honestly this whole damn thing could have been fixed by my out and out saying "Yes, we have to move everything back to the side of the portal it came from" which would have been done with a half hour more to work. I'm not saying it would have beaten other quite good entries but at least it wouldn't have been fundamentally flawed in omitting the answer to the question everyone rightfully has. Victim of the clock on this one. Thanks for the replies, folks.