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Dessert
“Daddy, where’s Mom?”
I couldn’t remember if that was the second or third time in the past hour she had asked that question.
“Mommy’s fine, her and the other ponies are safe.”
“…Are we safe?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but there weren’t any words, so I swallowed the lump sitting there instead. I glanced ahead at the line of ponies before us. All ragged and worn, heads down, marching double file towards...
They flanked us on our sides in packs of three or four. Black, chitinous carapaces that sparkled in the early morning sun, hissing whenever one of us dared look up or step out of line.
Silver Shard peeked out from between my legs, eyeing everything with a worried expression, her tangled mane hanging in knots that fell around her ears.
“Daddy?”
“We’ll be fine, sweetheart. Mom’ll be back soon, and she’ll bring all the guards in Canterlot, and the Elements of Harmony and even Celestia herself.”
“Really?!” She squeaked back.
I gave a small nod, couldn’t risk her hearing the wavering in my voice.
They led us through the mountains, the snow-capped peaks barely hiding the smoke rising from Canterlot behind us in the distance.
It was early in the morning when they led us into the caves.
Dark burrows that fed down into the centre of Equestria, so deep you could see the mana leylines etched into the rock faces. So dark that the blackness ahead stretched on for an indeterminate distance. The air hung thick and heavy in the air, making each breath laborious, and the very pressure of the earth weighed down our bones.
They had carved cells out of the cold stone, and the guards led us into one at the end of the hall. No bed, no blankets, nothing. Just the hard floor and the darkness.
The food was sparse at first. Delivered several times a day. Colourless, odourless, tasteless piles of gruel in sharp bowls that cut your tongue when you ate.
But I was grateful. Every second Silver spent eating was another second she was quiet, another second where she wasn’t asking.
“Dad…”
“Soon, dear. I promise. Be strong for Mom, okay?”
The hours turned to days, turned to weeks, turned to…
…
Every now and then there would be a creak of metal as a cell was opened, and the sounds of a struggle. Sometimes a grunt, sometimes a scream, but eventually the noises would stop and only the darkness would remain.
But I kept lying.
“It will be soon.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Next week.”
“Everything will be fine, please stop crying.”
But then the food stopped, and eventually I was too tired to speak, and Silver was too tired to ask.
Truth be told, I’d seen the changelings swarm into the castle. Watched them and their queen subdue the princess, her student, and her friends. The guards…
Diamond Dust…
There wasn’t a rescue coming.
…
I felt Silver Shard collapse next to me on the floor.
“Mom’s not coming, is she?”
My eyelids were hardened concrete, and even turning over to face her made aches surge through my body.
We both didn’t hear the creak of the cell door, or the sound of hooves on damp earth.
“Mom…?”
Silver’s dry voice echoed in my ears, and I forced myself to turn over again in the dirt.
“Mom!”
And there was that youthful energy I remembered from her, as she raced towards the figure standing by the open door.
Creamy, white fur. Sparkling silver hair. Diamond Dust. Exactly like her… down to the exact detail.
Except for the poisonous green eyes. Those were HERS.
I forced myself to stand.
The imposter chuckled, bending low to nuzzle Silver. I swallowed back the bile rising in my throat.
It was only then I noticed the two guards flanking both sides of her, dark enough to blend in, only the slightest green of their irises and glint of their fangs visible. Hungry.
Silver was crying, nuzzling into the imposter.
“Ssssh, it’s going to be okay.” Her voice, but it wasn’t.
But she was staring through Silver, at me.
Her horn glowed, and in all the instant I saw each and every horror that would be done to us.
There was no resisting. No hope. Just certainty.
“It’s fine Sweetie, go with Mommy. Daddy needs some rest…” My words, but not my will.
Silver Shard disappeared around the corner with HER, as the two guards entered my cell and closed the door behind them.
I couldn’t remember if that was the second or third time in the past hour she had asked that question.
“Mommy’s fine, her and the other ponies are safe.”
“…Are we safe?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but there weren’t any words, so I swallowed the lump sitting there instead. I glanced ahead at the line of ponies before us. All ragged and worn, heads down, marching double file towards...
They flanked us on our sides in packs of three or four. Black, chitinous carapaces that sparkled in the early morning sun, hissing whenever one of us dared look up or step out of line.
Silver Shard peeked out from between my legs, eyeing everything with a worried expression, her tangled mane hanging in knots that fell around her ears.
“Daddy?”
“We’ll be fine, sweetheart. Mom’ll be back soon, and she’ll bring all the guards in Canterlot, and the Elements of Harmony and even Celestia herself.”
“Really?!” She squeaked back.
I gave a small nod, couldn’t risk her hearing the wavering in my voice.
They led us through the mountains, the snow-capped peaks barely hiding the smoke rising from Canterlot behind us in the distance.
It was early in the morning when they led us into the caves.
Dark burrows that fed down into the centre of Equestria, so deep you could see the mana leylines etched into the rock faces. So dark that the blackness ahead stretched on for an indeterminate distance. The air hung thick and heavy in the air, making each breath laborious, and the very pressure of the earth weighed down our bones.
They had carved cells out of the cold stone, and the guards led us into one at the end of the hall. No bed, no blankets, nothing. Just the hard floor and the darkness.
The food was sparse at first. Delivered several times a day. Colourless, odourless, tasteless piles of gruel in sharp bowls that cut your tongue when you ate.
But I was grateful. Every second Silver spent eating was another second she was quiet, another second where she wasn’t asking.
“Dad…”
“Soon, dear. I promise. Be strong for Mom, okay?”
The hours turned to days, turned to weeks, turned to…
…
Every now and then there would be a creak of metal as a cell was opened, and the sounds of a struggle. Sometimes a grunt, sometimes a scream, but eventually the noises would stop and only the darkness would remain.
But I kept lying.
“It will be soon.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Next week.”
“Everything will be fine, please stop crying.”
But then the food stopped, and eventually I was too tired to speak, and Silver was too tired to ask.
Truth be told, I’d seen the changelings swarm into the castle. Watched them and their queen subdue the princess, her student, and her friends. The guards…
Diamond Dust…
There wasn’t a rescue coming.
…
I felt Silver Shard collapse next to me on the floor.
“Mom’s not coming, is she?”
My eyelids were hardened concrete, and even turning over to face her made aches surge through my body.
We both didn’t hear the creak of the cell door, or the sound of hooves on damp earth.
“Mom…?”
Silver’s dry voice echoed in my ears, and I forced myself to turn over again in the dirt.
“Mom!”
And there was that youthful energy I remembered from her, as she raced towards the figure standing by the open door.
Creamy, white fur. Sparkling silver hair. Diamond Dust. Exactly like her… down to the exact detail.
Except for the poisonous green eyes. Those were HERS.
I forced myself to stand.
The imposter chuckled, bending low to nuzzle Silver. I swallowed back the bile rising in my throat.
It was only then I noticed the two guards flanking both sides of her, dark enough to blend in, only the slightest green of their irises and glint of their fangs visible. Hungry.
Silver was crying, nuzzling into the imposter.
“Ssssh, it’s going to be okay.” Her voice, but it wasn’t.
But she was staring through Silver, at me.
Her horn glowed, and in all the instant I saw each and every horror that would be done to us.
There was no resisting. No hope. Just certainty.
“It’s fine Sweetie, go with Mommy. Daddy needs some rest…” My words, but not my will.
Silver Shard disappeared around the corner with HER, as the two guards entered my cell and closed the door behind them.
Pics
This is quite well written. Everything happening is clear, and I feel the emotion of the events. I have no complaints about the execution.
The problem is the story isn't that memorable, because the characters have 0 control over their situation, i.e. agency. They don't get to make any decisions, not even small ones. So it's all very grim and bleak, but doesn't haunt me in the same way as someone making a mistake and regretting the consequences. Even at the end, it would've meant something if he said those words of his own free will, you know?
Halfway through, I idly wondered if the father was actually a changeling so as to control the daughter and keep her calm. maybe if she didn't listen to her fake father, she'd have the power to escape or something? This didn't happen, but now I think it might've been more interesting. Not just because of a twist, but by adding uncertainty to their fates.
The problem is the story isn't that memorable, because the characters have 0 control over their situation, i.e. agency. They don't get to make any decisions, not even small ones. So it's all very grim and bleak, but doesn't haunt me in the same way as someone making a mistake and regretting the consequences. Even at the end, it would've meant something if he said those words of his own free will, you know?
Halfway through, I idly wondered if the father was actually a changeling so as to control the daughter and keep her calm. maybe if she didn't listen to her fake father, she'd have the power to escape or something? This didn't happen, but now I think it might've been more interesting. Not just because of a twist, but by adding uncertainty to their fates.
The story doesn't really have an arc, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away from it but despair. Is there a message here? I don't see anything but grimdark for grimdark's sake, and I don't really enjoy that. Nopony really changes or learns anything here (apart from despair), nor do I feel like any decisions are being made.
This might be partly your intention, but I feel like it took me way too long to orient myself during my first read-through. This might just be me, but at first, I thought "Silver" was Silver Spoon, so when I was pretty confused with how many characters we were dealing with. My biggest issue with this story is that the ending is essentially just more of the build-up is made out of. Father-pony lies to Silver Shard to protect her innocence, and then in the end Father-pony decides to lie some more to protect Silver Shard's innocence. It's kind of unsatisfying, because it makes me feel that the set-up didn't pay off. I'm not as against the grimdark as >>Trick_Question is, but I do agree that the emotions, circumstances, and choices made by the main characters don't change, which gives the story a stagnancy that didn't move me.
Category: Schindler's List, but the even worse timeline ending
Brief nitpick on word choice:
While descriptively accurate, I'm sure, "indeterminate distance" is an incredibly vanilla, calm phrase, even internally, from somepony who is being lead into a cave of indeterminate horror. — See? Kind of down plays the severity of the situation. I totally got the visual of pitch dark, but without the proper emotional attache. If Dadpone actually had a sliver of hope going into the caves it might make sense that he'd try remaining calm by being cold with his observations about the environment, but you kaibosh that pretty thoroughly at the end.
Also: The air hung thick and heavy in the air
Double type :P I do it all the time.
Relating to >>Haze, >>Bachiavellian, and >>Trick_Question's comments about agency, author:
You already have a perfect setup for somepony making an impactful decision without changing much. Dadpone is noticeably tired and fed up with Silver Shard's questioning even at the beginning. If you just dropped "My words, but not my will." from his last line, there'd suddenly be a huge emotional impact driven by a singular character choice. He stands up to defend his daughter, and then, faced with inevitable horror, gives up instead. It's bitter, brutal, and fits the rest of the atmosphere you've developed very well, I think.
That's a lot more "fixy" than I think I intended, but I got really excited about that last idea, so I apologize.
Brief nitpick on word choice:
So dark that the blackness ahead stretched on for an indeterminate distance.
While descriptively accurate, I'm sure, "indeterminate distance" is an incredibly vanilla, calm phrase, even internally, from somepony who is being lead into a cave of indeterminate horror. — See? Kind of down plays the severity of the situation. I totally got the visual of pitch dark, but without the proper emotional attache. If Dadpone actually had a sliver of hope going into the caves it might make sense that he'd try remaining calm by being cold with his observations about the environment, but you kaibosh that pretty thoroughly at the end.
Also: The air hung thick and heavy in the air
Double type :P I do it all the time.
Relating to >>Haze, >>Bachiavellian, and >>Trick_Question's comments about agency, author:
You already have a perfect setup for somepony making an impactful decision without changing much. Dadpone is noticeably tired and fed up with Silver Shard's questioning even at the beginning. If you just dropped "My words, but not my will." from his last line, there'd suddenly be a huge emotional impact driven by a singular character choice. He stands up to defend his daughter, and then, faced with inevitable horror, gives up instead. It's bitter, brutal, and fits the rest of the atmosphere you've developed very well, I think.
That's a lot more "fixy" than I think I intended, but I got really excited about that last idea, so I apologize.