Human in Equestria. That's not something I really like, even if I've read some great ones here and there. But they had something you couldn't afford, space to develop and detail many things.
Here the narrator is a blank slate that I almost fear to read Anon at some point. Moreover, the conflict is established too late in the story to be really relevant and we leave the story with a feeling of incompletion.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, HiE aren't really my cup of tea like I said, so I'm biaised. But I still want to offer some encouragements to rework it.

Very atmospheric, very strong tone-setting. The rhythm really makes the piece, and the ship's perspective is nice and consistent (it reminds me of A Day For Soft Food's take on cat's perspective), but it's not very FiM-related, which makes it fall by quite a few slots this round. Interesting interpretation of the prompt.

Not being very familiar with nautical terminology, I had to do some research before realizing that "breakers" didn't refer to the type of reef.

I do love good bookends.

This is an interesting look into Pinkie Pie's backstory. It takes some effort to figure out who's speaking; I kind of like the unattributed dialogue stylistically, but it needs more obvious hints to work in terms of flow. In particular, I'm still more inclined to (at first) reflexively attribute the Early Modern Equish in the second scene to early post-return Luna than to the Pie family, in the absence of a clear timeline. And who's speaking in the first scene? Is that the two settlers from the Smoky Mountains?

(The aforementioned EME feels a little off, by the way, but I don't feel up to examining it closely right now. I also don't remember how well the Pie family used it in "Hearthbreakers" itself, for that matter.)

The affectionate ending is very satisfying.

Either the answer would be the simplest or would be over the top.
It's the first one and, instead of just writing to give that answer, you spent words to actually tell how two characters react to it. So yeah, >>Xepher has said it all. I won't be as enthusiast as him/her/Apache helicopter, but I'm still enthusiast nevertheless.
A strong story, without a doubt.

That's a very resonant prompt interpretation! And there's some neat world-building going on here. (Old Earth Pony was its own language?) I like how this is all prompted by a significant event in-universe, too, rather than just being a random or scheduled encounter. The finality of the ending line gives it more punch; I think I like it much better that way than if it had had a more ambiguous ending.

Celestia offering yet another mercy and Tirek rejecting it harshly in the way that they do feels like spot-on mindset characterization. Specifically, the contrast between:

“I believe in second chances, Tirek. And third chances, and fourth chances, and as many chances as it takes.”

and:

“I came here twice in chains,” he said. “I’ll not leave in them, whether they’re physical or not.”

is just the best thing.

The bookends do their job perfectly here, and the contemplation itself has a nice sinuous arc to it like floating down a river. (And then I realized what I just typed. Appropriately enough, really.) I can really feel Rarity's social perception coming through in her perspective.

Some minor textual quibbles; the lack of a semicolon in "This was supposed to be a chance, how had it become a problem?" was a jolt, and the full stop outside the quotation marks near the end. Overall good quality.

Regarding what >>Chris said, I do want to point out that Trixie's style of speech will distort this a little…

Is there something about the story that's told that reveals the answer to Starlight's original question, or is it a combination of things? What set of elements led her to her conclusion wasn't clear at all to me.

It's hard to get emotionally invested in this; I don't think the ending does the situation justice.

I enjoy stories that explore the hesitance and the anxiety, the sometimes broken/sometimes perfect dynamic, and the other inconsistencies that exist between groups of newly formed friends. It can make those friendships feel so much real and alive than when depicted enjoying only positive experiences. And the conclusion of the opening episodes of the show are ripe for this type of exploration and expansion.

Rainbow Dash is far and away my least favourite character among the mane six, and I think it's testament to the quality of this fic that I actually found her to be quite relatable here. Slight exaggeration of some of her more negative characteristics in quite visible self defence is a great way of achieving that likeability, and you execute that well.

Characterisation in general seems pretty spot on here. These:

One could generally tell how stressed Fluttershy was by the number of animals she had within hooves reach. When relaxed she made do with Angel, when stressed...

“I’m fine. Everypony’s fine. The stupid friendship laser fixed everything and I’m fine. Fine!”

I particularly enjoyed.

I didn't think the closing line, whilst keeping in character (and, one could argue, the prompt) was overly satisfying to me, but this was a very strong entry regardless. Thanks for sharing your work.

It’s hard for a non-native to rate this. I get some puns, but I surely miss some others. Textile and clothing have never been my forte anyways, so I'm not even sure that a perfect French translation would fit the bill either. I’ll therefore abstain.

I don't remember if Trixie was panting at the end of that story, though.

[GGA]

I love the premise, and the future reactions implied by the conclusion. The characters' stress reactions and attempts to adjust seem spot-on.

Why is staying friends with Twilight Sparkle a royal order? Am I just not remembering that part of the episode, or is it something separate that's supposed to have happened off-camera, or are they just making assumptions?

Several distracting textual errors (the missing comma in "her best friend not Applejack’s" was a minor stumbling point; "within hooves reach" is missing an apostrophe; some others).

The last line is what really ties it to the prompt, but it's somewhat lacking in punch. Maybe moving that earlier would work better? And maybe expanding on it, but you're right at the word count limit. I feel like for the round proper, cutting something else to give that more oomph would have been a big improvement. If the story gets redone in a slightly longer form, then there might be no need for the cutting part.

I have a bit of a hard time visualizing Maud with ears drooping -- I mean, that'd be a display of emotion! -- but all in all this was a very nice, compact story, and I can find no faults to gripe about. I think the premise fits perfectly into a minific and the pacing was good, although I'm not totally sure about that ending; but then again, endings are the bane of minifics.

It's silly as all hell, but I still chuckled a couple of times, especially at how deadpan Twilight and Spike were; and that last line was golden. Great one.

>>horizon

Re the length bump suggestion: after some discussion in chat, what this feels like to me so far (and keep in mind my near-complete lack of experience here, as this is the first round I've actually submitted to) is that the minific length constraints are just around a phase transition between "flash fiction" and "short story" mindsets where the turbulence impacts story quality significantly: enough that you can't really go without starting to expand on things, but if you do it the most natural way then you run out of words before you hit the payoff. Yes, a really good writer might be able to deal with just about any such constraint, but maybe it's too tricky a curve for the wider range of experience levels the Writeoff is targeting? It's like singing around a passaggio.

In my case, just for the record, I had to do several cuts here to get my story down from about 880, which significantly hurt it, but I do attribute a lot of that to my (literal) last-minute participation. A previous time, though, I started writing something for a short story round, and started running out of narratively useful things to say around 1600, then never submitted anything because I couldn't make the word count in time. I don't know what that implies overall.

Tea-Totaler

Get to the top of my slate!

"...Yes," she lied. "All the same, I wouldn't say no to a hospital."

And stay there!

Well, I guess time will tell there, but I really enjoyed this one. It pokes fun at the show in a way that doesn't overshadow the actual story supporting it, and that's a successful balancing act well worth pointing out. I appreciated the humour, and particularly the ending. I think >>Fenton highlighted a valid niggle, but it is indeed a small one. Well executed, and great fun.

Thanks kindly for sharing your work.

The beginning is a little confusing; at first I tried assigning the voices to canon characters and failed. On the whole, I quite like this story. It lets each member of the Pie family shine, and the ending is quite heartwarming, especially the mention of Maud actually crying.

I actually enjoyed this a lot, up until the end -- it feels like a clever and genuinely creepy take on 1984 (the "Party"; room "LOL" - great ideas there). The ending, however, is downright jarring and doesn't really fit the rest of the story; nowhere but in the world of utterly nonsensical comedy would Twilight's friends subject her to several days of torture like that. Also, why'd Twilight suddenly go insane for no reason at the end?

It's not a bad take on the "perpetual demimnesia" sort of setting, and I like the atmosphere. I wish it did something other than just be a snow globe, though. Is the prompt connection supposed to be that they're gradually fading out of existence after being forgotten?

This could be a nice starting chapter to something, maybe after being cut down some more so that it's more distinctly introductory.

Excellent writing, here. The setup gives both characters a chance to be at their most eloquent, and their dialogue is very well written. The very concept is quite fascinating; consider how much trouble Tirek had caused in his time, and by now he's just... forgotten, like any of a line-up of lesser two-bit villains. I'm normally a bit averse to reforming villains, as it usually comes off as artificial and ruins their unique character (I don't think I'll ever manage to like good!Starlight Glimmer), but the concept didn't feel the slightest bit bothersome here.

Oof, this premise really needed to decide what it wanted to be. It has a lot of clever bits that fuse together well in the setting of the main part, but the lack of anyone doing anything sooner about the ending, if that is indeed what it seems, just catapults it into going splat. Even 28 Pranks Later doesn't go anywhere near this far, or alternatively, what happened there should have happened here with a different target.

I like each of the scenes quite a lot, but they seem a little flat as a story when just put together like that. I can't detect the prompt connection at all either. Spearhead's characterization is nice. It's not a bad read prose-wise, but not very satisfying at the end.

Celestia having not mentioned Luna to Spearhead before seems kind of odd, though maybe that's explainable by lifespan or careerspan discrepancy.

This is powerful. Enough so that I needed to just say that before being able to put my more detailed thoughts into comment yet. I'll try to do that later.

>>Light_Striker
I don't always Discord but when I do I'm drinking Dos Equus so I'll chip in an additional 2 cents here: I've definitely encountered issues at times with both the 750 ceiling and the 2k floor. But I've found that, with experience, I've gotten better at figuring out how much story I can (or should) try to tell in a given word limit. For me it was a non-obvious skill to have to develop.

I still say a 1k limit for pony minifics would make more sense for the sake of those intending to publish on FimFiction (because we're already close-ish at 750 and where else could we publish these?), but I think it's a valid skill to have to learn to stick with various word limits.

Very mysterious. Probably too much so for its own good; I didn't have enough context to understand what had "actually" happened, and the story didn't seem to be about adjusting to the realities of the situation (indeed, it seems that that's not actually a think ponies can do, when their memories vary from day to day), which left me searching for meaning and coming up empty.

But that's not a fatal flaw here, because the prose is lovely and the situation poignant (even if shrouded in mystery). This is a good story, even a haunting one, as-written--but if you want to take it to that next level, then consider giving the reader something to grip to as you set them adrift. That "something" can be a revelation, a sliver of hope, a brutally crushing denial of hope, or something else entirely... just as long as it's something!

This is a great story, and perhaps the worst thing I can say about it is you have doomed yourself to writeoff failure by writing about Fluttershy dying. Seriously, ask Titanium Dragon how well audiences like stories that are mean to Flutters. Spike's last exchange with Twilight is perfect, bringing in a lot of characterization that informs the current situation, framing it as something that's been built up to, and the ending is surprisingly but not inappropriately upbeat. Nice work!

I like this one; it simultaneously pokes fun at the frequency with which disaster befalls Ponyville (always good for a giggle!) and reinforces the importance of getting in the dang shelter instead of rubbernecking. I think you could tone down the "death" description, personally--the contrast of grandiosity to mundanity is all well and good, it's the "The ponies are literally described as just having murdered something" bit that I think is a bit of a distraction--but that's a niggle. Ditto character choices; two ponies who've been shown to be calm in the face of disaster are a weaker choice for the story than is ideal. But both of those are details, really. The core of this is great.

I agree with literally everything >>Ceffyl_Dwr already said, so... ditto, I guess!

Genre: W--what?

Thoughts: The first read-through was rough for me; the opening poem doesn't quite work (which, admittedly, may be the point...) and the closing line has a word choice in "popsicle" that veers a bit too much toward comedy for the magnitude of the sting it's trying to deliver.

But upon a second reading, I begin to realize how clever the middle section is. Most of Velvet's dialogue is self-referential to the story itself, and its author. And then it goes a level deeper by feeling like a villainous moustache-twirl by the antagonist... which is probably what it's meant to be, so props to the Author for pulling that off.

So that's all really ambitious stuff, and it's great seeing that kind of experimentation in a Writeoff! I'm going to be honest though, this doesn't quite stick the landing for me. The aforementioned pros and cons leave me appreciative of what was being attempted here but feeling like a tune-up is in order. But this is top-contender material needing some surface polish, for the most part.

Oh, and how dare you kill Twilight! And Celestia! NUUUUU :-P

Tier: Almost There

This feels a bit abrupt to me; it comes off less as "DT plants a seed in SS's mind" and more "After a 30 second conversation with DT, SS's entire outlook does a total 180." Honestly, with pre-show stuff like this, you don't even need to show us SS changing her mind at all; the reader knows what her canon personality is, and we can see how this builds towards it. It's one of the big crutches advantages of writing fanfiction: we already know the characters!

I also thought the prompt dropping was a bit on-the-nose, but that's just a personal opinion. Beyond that, a fine glimpse of how a character got to be the way they are.

I really like the imagery, and I enjoyed this sentence in particular:

The sea is a jealous bitch, angered at the ships who dare to sail her beautiful surface, and her rage knows no bounds.

The prose is very striking throughout, but though I hate to say it, I didn't really interface emotionally with this one very much. Mood pieces tend to be pretty hit-or-miss with me, and I do realize that this is largely personal preference. If I had to make a guess, I'd say that I don't really feel invested because the only real character in the piece is really just a personification and not someone "real." Again, I know this is my own taste, and I can clearly see that this didn't bother a lot of other reviewers, so you're definitely doing many things right, here. I'll just finish with noting that I do agree with Chris' observations about the general feel of the piece being a bit watered down by being an MLP fanfic and leave it at that.

For me personally, Rainbow Dash's voice is probably the hardest in all the Mane 6 to pin down, both in reading and writing. I'm saying this because while I think some of Dash's dialogue is pretty strong, I'm having having a hard time resolving some other lines with her in-character voice, and I'm not 100% sure why. For instance, this line strikes me as not very Dash-y:

“I didn’t take my schoolwork seriously. At least, not until it was too late.”

It's just a little too self-aware, especially with how you're trying to portray her as upset and evasive. Similarly this bit also sounds a bit too contemplative and formal:

The young mare made not verbal reply, but wiped the tears from her crossed eyes as her mouth formed a smile which failed to hide the pain and disappointment she was so obviously feeling.

IMO, an intimate third-person limited perspective like this still should sound like how a character thinks, if not how they talk. It just doesn't feel right to me that many of the sentences describing Dash's thoughts are these big blocky things sporting embedded clauses. In short, there's a good character moment here, but I'm having trouble enjoying it because it doesn't quite sound in-character to me.

I'm going to have to be the minority report and say that this story didn't quite click for me. While the characters and pacing is largely on point, the premise itself doesn't really feel like the big emotional thing that it clearly wants to be. I thought it was pretty clear where things were going by the end of the first section, so the reveal really didn't do much to me. Maybe I'm just being a butt-head, but I think that having a bit of a personal emergency over the fact that your friend's alternate self has been dead for a while feels a bit overblown. It might be disorienting, sure, but not worth having an identity crisis, IMO.

Again, subjective opinions in droves here, so I'll definitely take that into consideration while voting.

It's not a story. It's a series of ad parodies.

I admire this story's attempt at establishing voice and characterization exclusively through dialogue, without tags or accompanying narration (I particularly admire the way it characterizes the POV character without once having her speak, or even identifying her. It's Mrs. Cake, and that's just incredibly moving to me.). I think, for the most part, it succeeds, and the story it tells is potent and moving.

It stumbles a little in its choice of which characters to include; it's not until Limestone and Marble show up that we get readily identifiable voices and individuals. Iggy and Big Mama Q are indistinguishable from one another, and I share >>Light_Striker's confusion regarding the first two characters.

Who I'm just gonna pretend are Aria and Sonata.

Out of the sixteen stories on my initial slate, though, this is sitting pretty at #2. So, clearly, those complaints didn't kill the experience for me. :P

Gummy's existential monologue was one of my favorite gags in Slice of Life, which was otherwise pretty hit and miss for me. This captures the spirit of that little gag, and reinterprets it a little in a surprising way. Gummy secretly detesting Pinkie Pie, and having a rivalry with at least one of the other pets in the show, is an amusing direction to take him.

While the story itself is pretty solid, and while Gummy's great, the choice to ship Pinkie with Rarity at the end feels... cheap? Kind of intrusive, to be honest. Like a tacked-on detail inserted to justify Pinkie randomly baking a cake for one of her friends.

She does that shit for all of them; it's just kinda who she is. I don't think it matters whether or not she has kokoro-dokis for them.

This... might work better if it weren't Twilight. She's lectured Spike about misusing dark magic (specifically in book form) before. So, why she'd fool around with it haphazardly is a mystery. The other issue is all she has to do is ask someone who knows how to get rid of the demons and considering her connections that's a letter or two away.

This would probably work better as a Trixie story due to her lack of knowledge on non show biz magic. She would make a mistake like this and might also be more willing to just ignore the problem until say Starlight shows up and is like WTF Trixie.

On the plus side it does have some nice lines and character interplay so that's good.

Pretty much what everyone else said, with the exception being that I found it genuinely amusing, flaws and all (the ending feels like that of Poetry for Children, but played straight).

Y'all are jus' doubleplusungood partypoopers.

I swear I left a review for this story earlier, which made a joking reference to Fractured Sunlight, but it seems to... not exist...

...Weird, man.

Anyway. Moving, with characters who are true to their canon selves. But I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to take away from it in the end. Maybe that's the point. RBD and Shimmyshammy don't seem to know what to take from this experience, either.

A good entry, overall.

...Actually, a really clever bit of meta storytelling. It annoyed me on my first readthrough, but on reflection, I'm having a very hard time finding fault in it.

Okay, I'm sorry; on reading these reviews, I realize that I have completely misinterpreted the final scene. I thought that Limestone was so angry at Pinkie Pie that her violent retribution completely leveled Canterlot, and that Maud was sifting through the rubble trying to find their bodies.

So this becomes a much, much better story now that I've re-contextualized it.

I suggest doing more to allude to the cavern setting in the first paragraph, without spoiling the surprise. Sensory or environmental details to clue the reader in that there's something off about this scenario, without really spoiling anything. As is, I think the only hints we get that something is amiss are the first-aid supplies and the lone royal guard who's mentioned (a third detail might be the lack of any drums to keep a beat, but all that did was make me wonder why Pinkie was teaching capoeira to children in Canterlot in the first place...

Which might just be because Posh is a dumb-dumb. Heh.

Spike's anger toward Twilight feels justified, but his overall attitude toward her feels overblown. On the one hand, I get why he'd be upset that she wouldn't be by Fluttershy's bedside in her final moments. On the other, unless something has happened to drive a wedge between the two of them (perhaps this isn't the first time something like this has happened), then his utter lack of empathy for her is just uncharacteristically cold.

Maybe I'm just particularly sensitive to the relationship between these two. But I don't see Spike treating Twilight with this kind of contempt, no matter what the situation. Not unless the story goes well out of its way to justify it.

...So I think I'm gonna abstain in the preliminaries. It's a solid story, overall, and if it makes it to the finals (which I feel like it will), I might revisit that decision. But for now, I'm gonna bow out of the voting.

0/10; Rainbow is too stupid for this kind of self-reflection.

...oh, very well, I'll be serious.

The other reviews nail the issue with Dashie's voice and characterization. I feel like it might be truer to the character if she approaches this realization, only to project the blame outward at the last moment. An ignored epiphany, if you will. It's not that she didn't take her schoolwork seriously; it's that the schoolwork was beneath her, and exceptions should have been made for her, because she's So Super Awesome and she did a sonic rainboom when she was a toddler. Also, here's the football from that kick she blocked! And here's a picture of her blocking that kick!

Anyone who doesn't get that reference is a prep n a pozer n needz 2 watch Kong of the Hull11111666

0/10; Rainbow is a stupid pony and could never fool Bookhorse like this.

Actually, I thought it was cute and endearing, and pretty well in character for both Rainbow and Twilight. It's the quality of the competition that's keeping this from rising higher on my slate atm, but all things are relative in the end.

Gilda/Moondancer? That's about as likely a pairing as Star Swirl/Vinyl. Sheesh.

The sheer randomness of the pairing aside (I think the story does enough to justify them pairing up; Sweaterhorse was working on an ethnography and ended up "going native," so to speak), this is a compelling look at the way a relationship falls apart. The metaphor of the stress crack is a little on the nose, though, and the dialogue gets unnaturally expository in one instance:

“Remember when I first arrived? Back when you let me live out of your spare room so I could study? We worked so hard to help each other feel comfortable—nothing was ever too much, you know?”

Like, the rest of the dialogue feels great, so smooth and natural, and then we get to this line, and it's like... like choking on a bone whilst devouring a well-boned fish. The rest of the fish was great, but that one bone, it kinda sticks in my throat.

I had fish for dinner.

Also, I don't think beaks are capable of smooches, but that's a problem with series lore, not with this story.

Like >>Bachiavellian, I'm not convinced that this story clicked for me the way it did for others here. I reached the conclusion feeling as though I should be more emotionally touched than I ultimately was. Perhaps that's a case of unfair reader expectation, particularly given what you set out to achieve within the word limitations of the round, but I guess the story itself does have to have a hand in setting up and maintaining those expectations.

It felt like it wanted to be about Sunset, and I think that was the stronger element at play here. I get using Dash's discovery and reaction as a foil to maybe explore Sunset's own thoughts and feelings, but Dash's reaction feels a bit overpowering within the space this story has to work with, and it loses some impact as a result. At least to me it does.

Solid characterisation though, and you manage to get significant mileage out of such a low word count. This is a technically very good story, even if it doesnt quite land all of its emotional blows.

Thanks for sharing your work.

This one is about tulpas, right? The Alexandra David-Néel streetcar stop is just around the corner of my building. :P

The first sentence, formal as it be, seems incorrect to me. You wrote: Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon! While your use of the subjunctive in the first clause is bang on, since that clause casts a doubt on what Pinkie will become, the second one, on the contrary, is a definite affirmation that “she will be possessed by a demon” and, therefore, the use of the subjunctive is improper. You should instead use the simple future tense to mark that this is an unavoidable fate: Whoever she be, Princess, she shall be possessed by a demon!

I‘m not sure the Discord passage fits very well in, though. It can be construed as a funny distraction, but, that precisely what it is: a distraction.

Now that being said, I like the idea of Pinkie being a sort of “supernatural” being born from the thoughts of an alien mind and gaining a life of her own. That goes a long way into explaining her offbeat quirks and her slapstick powers. So kudos for thinking about tulpas, and kudos for intertwining that Tibetan creed with pony world.

I'm just going to echo the thoughts that have already been shared above. I smirked and I smiled, but I don't think the story will last too long in my memory. Well written, but probably a tad too meta for my tastes. Thanks for sharing your work, and I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to give you in return.

Very sorry, but (after a few attempts) I have to add my agreement to the points raised about the beginning; there is something resonating at the centre of it all, but in its current form it's too vague and confused for it to show through. That does harm the story somewhat, because I'm left to evaluate just half of a piece.

That piece holds some promise, though, at least in the angle you've chosen to take. I'm not completely convinced by Dash's character, but I'm prepared to accept that she has grudgingly allowed time to mature her somewhat. I think this would be more convincingly achieved without word limit restrictions, and I can sense enough here to suggest that this could be expanded into a thoughtful piece. It's not quite there at the moment, in my opinion, but you're probably only a few focused revisions (and some added content) away.

Thanks for sharing your work. Look forward to seeing it again, should you feel inclined to develop it further.

Interesting premise and executed well. You imbue the piece with a good level of ominous foreboding, and tonally it all pulls together really well.

It's a little too cryptic for my personal liking; I enjoy a chance to puzzle things out, and I was left with a few half ideas... But they were exactly that. Half ideas. I'm intrigued to read further comments on this to see if that's a fair assessment or whether I've been having one of my sleepydense mornings. As it was, I felt I was doing all the work. I'm not sure that's a criticism as such, but it was certainly something I noticed. Make of that what you will.

At any rate, I expect this to do well overall. Thanks for sharing your work.

Without having read the comments, I was already torn between two feelings for this story.
It seems that the story is supposed to be a comedy about immortality but the two tones don't really mix well for my taste. There are several times I thought "Okay... I don't understand why but okay", and thus, I couldn't really enjoy the story.

I don't know what the two Equestrian proverbs are supposed to highlight in the story. I'm sure there are there for a reason but I can't figure it out.

The only interpretation I managed to form is with the last proverb

There is madness that is wisdom, if you don’t pay any attention.

So Luna's madness could appear as wisdom. Indeed, even if the widow hadn't met again with her husband, her descendants have repeated the cycle, living, loving, mating, raising, dying. From a larger perspective, that could appear as a wisdom on life, but the Equestrian proverb actually tells us that this is not wisdom, this is madness (don't even think about it :p). So the author is actually telling us he/she/Apache helicopter disagrees with this way of thinking. But, if you reread the first proverb, you have the opposite interpretation.

So what? We just have to choose between the two, choose the one we agree with and dismiss the other? That's not how I enjoy a story. I enjoy a story with real and definite choices or views. I can strongly disagree with them but still enjoy the story because I have an opportunity to try to see the world in a way I can't see by myself. That being said, I can't hold this against the story because, like I said, this interpretation is very weak for me.

As for ranking it, I will abstain for now. If I ever find how to rate it, I'll come back and say it, but for now, it is too confusing for me to properly judge it.

Well written indeed, but as it has been said, the conflict feels very plain. It seems to go somewhere though but I'm not sure what is this 'somewhere'.

I got two options:
-One, the story pokes fun at how the show treats animals and insects, never killing either of these.
Two, Spike realised that ponies, and especially alicorns, are powerful being, able to vaporise anything with a blink of an eye and thus, questionned if he should fear for some ponies' safety. However, I can't buy Spike questionning that. He has lived with Twilight for almost his life and he knows that she couldn't hurt a fly (French expression to say that someone won't hurt anyone because of his kindness).

Anyway, a mid-tier because the writing and the pace are solid but, unfortunately, I didn't really get what the story aimed at.

Okay, I admit I didn't see the meta angle clearly the first time. So I went through it again after reading more of the comments…

And it's still grating. The clever bit is buried under all the cringe. (But I can see why people would have the opposite opinion more clearly, now.)

So, when Twilight gets back, will the castle be made of cheese and statues of Trixie be on every street corner, or will Equestria be mired in megaspell ruin while the two latest... er... 'leaders' battle for supremacy over the dregs of pony society?

Either way, I enjoyed this. Meta, amusing, but also with some very real underlying consequences.

This is was really good. I liked the fact that Sunset and Starlight actually connect and don't start hating each other like I've seen too many times. Twilight not talking about Sunset to Starlight (and vice versa) can seem surprising but that's something I can accept as a premise.

My main problem (not a big one, mind you) is with the ending. Not how the story ends, Starlight going to visit Sunset, that's a nice way to end this story which didn't have a big conflict anyway, but rather how the mention of Trixie and Discord by Starlight didn't lead to something else. I mean, you had a good opportunity here for some jokes, like 'Discord? The Discord?' 'Yes, he's... kind of a good guy now'.

For the nitpicks:
Some sentences felt a bit rushed, like if you wanted to skip this part and move to something else, like this one

Unless…Oh no, I think I might have replaced you. Maybe since I was here and you weren’t really around, I took the role of “defeated former villain who needs to be reformed and taught about friendship” for her. I’m so sorry.

That's a conclusion Starlight makes too quickly, unless several days have passed between the first message and this one (but as there is no indication, I assume all the conversation happens at the same time).

So all in all, a very stong story which didn't aim for something big and still resolve the small conflict nicely. A strong mid-tier for me and a big yes. Thank you for sharing and should you ever expand it, drop a link.

Right, let's see what all the debate and fuss is about.

Hm.

Firstly, I enjoyed this.

Now for the rest. I really struggle to see the comedy/joke angle being referenced above. Like >>Light_Striker, I read this as a serious reflection on what existing for so long can do to you. Perhaps it lost a little of that tone in Luna's oblivious nature (I personally like to entertain the idea that she is deliberately misleading herself there, which would give the prompt a little more resonance), but I took most of the dialogue as her not realising (or not caring) that her social filter (to steal Light_Striker's usage) had slipped. And lines like:

“I am sorry for your loss. I really am.” She meant it.

and there was love in that look

And this time, she did smile

kill off any sense of an attempt at comedy for me. And that's just fine; I prefer the more serious interpretation anyway.

That said, Author, the fact that there is such a discussion regarding this might suggest something has gone awry in the execution. Or perhaps it was all deliberate, I dunno. At any rate, as I've said already, I enjoyed this. I liked Luna's detached and ethereal nature, which felt quite real within the context of the story, and there was a nice sense of gravity to the whole affair. Thanks for sharing your work.

And in the next edition, Minuette's friend gets caught in a melodramatic love triangle with Madame Le Flour and Sir Lintsalot.

This one has the benefit of being creative and well written, so it doesn't feel as much like D'aww-philia abuse as it could. Definitely an entertaining story with an entirely unexpected take on the prompt. Well done, author.

If anything I've submitted makes the cut this time, I'll be surprised.

I submitted one story at 4 in the morning and made some really dumb mistakes in the presentation (plus, it was rushed). It can definitely be fixed, however.

I submitted another story that I think is very good, but I also think few ponies will appreciate it. I don't know if I'll try to publish it. I want to, but it's going to get a lot of downvotes on Fimfiction if I do.

This is totes def not my best round. :facehoof:

>>Trick_Question
❤️

Before the second or third read through, I could certainly see the point >>Fenton is making regarding the emotional balance. I think you get away with it, however, because it feels like this is AJ's piece. Twilight's dilemma, whilst an important plot point, is delivered in a way that supports, rather than competes with, AJ's own musings. Perhaps seeing her own discovery of her guiding lesson more overtly would have helped there, and made Twilight's link in to the prompt feel a little less obvious. That's a relatively minor niggle though, in what was a gentle and enjoyable fic. Thanks for sharing your work.

As much as you'll have writers who cover well trodden ground, you'll have readers who haven't really explored it in any great detail. I probably haven't read as many of the fics covering similar subject matter as my contemporaries, and so I didn't find this really tired in its premise. Some of the wording used though, particularly the final lines, confuse the chronology of the story; is this soon after or years after the banishment?

As >>Chris says, you have some interesting ideas nestled beneath the surface of this scene, and the story would certainly shine more if expanded and these ideas allowed to grow. As it is, it's a solidly written reflection, but I didn't particularly take a great deal from it in this incarnation. That's not to say I wouldn't though, if it were developed: the suggestion of an ulterior motive for Celestia taking on Twilight as an apprentice is a neat one for sure, and would make for a complex and engaging tale.

Thanks for sharing your work.

“Rainbow! I'm so glad you came. I've been trying to finish my studying, but I can't concentrate at all - my wings itch.”

Uh oh...

“Don't worry, Twilight. I know an old pegasus treatment that I think will help you.”

Retreat! Retreat!


Oh, never mind. False alarm.

This was pretty cute, and I could totally see it as the premise of an (earlier) episode, if Twilight had possessed wings then. Largely in character, and the humour was gentle and pleasant. Whether you were bothered about avoiding it or not, the plot is fairly predictable once Twilight's quest begins though, and I think the execution could do with a little polish (particularly those absent transitional line breaks).

But this was good. I enjoyed it very much, and expect it to feature in the upper tiers of my ever increasing slate.

Thanks for sharing your work.

I'm just going to echo some of the above points and move on: a clever setup and solid/witty execution. There's a lot to like about the fic on its own merits, and if this was an original round I'd expect it to feature high on my slate.

Alas it isn't an original round, and no amount of ignoring that fact will make it go away. Or maybe it will. I mean, who knows, right?

But probably not.

Thanks for sharing your work. Looking forward to finding out who you are so I can check out your other musings.

We have a lot of really silly and entertaining fluff-pieces this round, don't we?

Loved it. All it needs is a rimshot at the end.

If Starlight knew that Trixie was actually a changeling all along, then why did she go through the whole rigmarole of grilling her? Why didn't she just say "yo, Trixie, you a changeling, I don't care, you're my friend, help me save everypony."

And why does Trixie act like she can't perform magic tricks if she's indeed been a changeling "from the beginning?" As in, from the beginning of their friendship? Because that kind of stuff has always been within her power, if that's the case. So why does she suddenly act shy about it?

Or... has she only replaced the real Trixie in the last day or so? In that case, then why would Starlight assume she's actually a Good And Nice Genuine Decent Person and a Pretty Cool Dude, when she's actively participating in Chrysalis's coup against the entire royal family and the Elements of Harmony?

I'm... not buying the premise or execution of this story, sorry.

Now, Rainbow my dear, I cannot express my delight!
It's abundantly clear
That somewhere out here
Is a fic that will suit you just right!

I can't wait to get started,
But first let me set a few rules!
It's of utmost importance the fic that will win
Is something that's awesome and cool!

Awesome, cool, got it.
I have so many wonderful choices just wait you will see!

I need some tension, keep it immense or I'll get sleepy!

Sure! How bout a comedy
They're funny and witty and silly as can be!

Witty? Silly? Have you even met me?

Rainbow, have faith,
You see, I will bet you,
Somewhere in here is a plot that will get you!
Come on the sky's the limit!

Sky is good. I'd like it to be about flying...

Really? Because I think this story with Dinky has your name written all over it! Yes it does! (squeak) Aw, look! It suits you!

Pass...

I have so many wonderful choices for you to decide!
There are Slices of Life with massive appeal!

Slices of life are boring...

Maybe, but I've seen this particular story catch ten thousands views when it hit the website
(F’naa! F’naa!)

That's it! I'm outta here.

Wait!
There must be a fic here that will fit the ticket!
How bout a Daring Do adventure ficlet!

Bigger, and cooler!

Bigger, cooler, right!
I've got just the thing in that slate dash!
Read your new fabulous meta story!

It's, just a story...

Not just any story, a meta story!

Yeah so like I was saying...
Fluttershy pal, this won't cut it!
I need a fic to keep up with me...
Something awesome, something daring,
With coolness that defies gravity!

I'm sensing you want a fast-paced fic?

You think?

I have plenty of wonderful fics which shine on this site!
Like a sweet romance or a giant one about might!

Better, but cooler!

I see... How bout Drama, or Sci-Fi, or Human?
There's so many wonderful fics the likes of that!
There are fluff and crackfics, they are both ironic!
Or perhaps what you need is a dark and mysterious fic.

Now you're talking! But instead of just one stand-out, now that's too many!
So many choices!
And such riches of plenty!

Not a bad problem to have, if you ask me!

The Dark would be awesome
But the Drama I'm digging too!
Do you have something that is both!?

No, I've got a hot fetish clopfic
just dying to be read!

What to do, what to do?
*GASP* a prize! That's it!
There's really just one way!
To find out which story's best!
Hold a contest of speed, metaphor and prose!
That will put each fic to the test!

Don't forget style, that should be considered

Then we'll know for sure who's best of the litter

The one which is awesome and cool!

Just like me!
Can't settle for less
Cuz I expect the best!

So a Writeoff we will see!

Who's the number one greatest, perfectest fic in the world for me!

May the votes begin!

And May The Best Fic Win!

This reads like the central exchange of a potentially funny scene, but one that's lacking the contextual setup needed to really land the humour. What's missing is some silly reason as to why Twilight is behaving the way she is (and making potentially daft assumptions), and which can tie in with the punchline at the end. Without it, you have a scene that raises a few smiles, but feels incomplete and disconnected as a whole. I did enjoy seeing a little more of Spike as a deadpan foil for Twilight's more eccentric moments though, especially his response to the reading a book comment. Made me chuckle, that.

The building is mostly complete; you've just got to give it some foundations.

Thanks for sharing your work.

>>Fenton

Witty? Silly? Have you even met me?

Yeah, why would Rainbow "There Was an Entire Episode About Me Pranking Too Much" care about comedy?

But seriously, that was great.

I don't think I've got much to add that hasn't already been said. There's definitely potential here, but I think the word count was always going to be working too tightly against the premise to do it justice. By the time Starlight has actually made her discovery, there's very little space left to spin a meaningful and satisfying conclusion. It makes their exchange feel rushed, and I wasn't left feeling overly invested as a result.

Give the story some more space to grow in, and work it towards a cohesive objective, and you'll have a much stronger piece; one I'd likely be interested in reading.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Hmmmm. The base premise is well-trodden, but can be done well. I like the rhythm of the text.

Plot structure: where was that early scene supposed to go? Whatever Celestia was doing in there, there's no sign of it after. The rest of it is sane but maybe overstretched.

The dialogue is pretty unnatural, and the text in general is all over the map in tone. (Never mind that me-in-real-life does this sort of thing sometimes; fiction has to make more sense than reality…) "she behaves really weird" + "something bad's going to happen" and then, well, "nobody" (who sounds realistic) who's alarmed says things like "her shape almost lost to darkness" while they're describing the cause of their alarm. "I shall certainly break your neck" is very strong words even for Nightmare Moon, though maybe not out of range depending on how far one slides relative to canon.

"marmoreal stairs"? I taught I taw a Latinate etymological bias! And "tenebrous"? If this means what I think it does, allow me to engage in my best evil laughter now: a-hahahahahaha! *lightning strikes* but more seriously, they don't fit the tone of the surroundings very well.

The timeline is interesting here; I don't remember whether there's a good way for Sombra's dark magic book to be there at that time or not, assuming this is right before Luna's banishment.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Some marble-polishing at the micro-level and some plot straightening at the macro-level would do this a lot of good, though I suspect it may also need either somewhere else to go with this plot or a more immersive description of what's going on. Otherwise it may just be too plain after that.

Oh, the voices of Gilda and Moon Dancer are perfect here. (I usually spell it "Moondancer", but Wikia points out that canon is inconsistent here.) "Boreas' blood", yes. Some really nice uses of simile too:

Moon Dancer’s protest collapsed into a sigh. Silence draped itself like a second skin across the room.

The barbs they sling at each other are very realistic for the emotions displayed, and the tension of wanting things to be okay again and not being sure how to make it happen. Gilda's brash nature showing through hard and physically at times when she's lingeringly upset. It's all just got so much flavor. The whole story tastes like a good curry. One with enough peppers. And chicken. And ginger.

Sorry, that went a bit of a weird place there.

The main possible crack in this one (sorry) seems to me to be how Gilda's current motivation relates to their history: if she was supportive of Moon Dancer's work before, what happened to make that a point of contention? Has Gilda been secretly resentful the whole time? Is it the way the work is being used now that's suddenly drawing her ire (surely that celebration was anticipable)? Or is it just a sudden change of opinion after heated emotions during the implied recent fight which was over something else? Whatever that key point is, I didn't catch it in the story.

The pairing is slightly out of left field, but I find it easy enough to imagine the justification, just not "immediately obvious"-tier (which is probably a good thing in itself). Especially in this context, given the way Moon Dancer's less-social personality could mesh with the griffons.

Expanding on the idea of "when a pony gets to tell all of Griffonkind about their own history" would be high-risk/high-reward in author (and reader) competency and also very interesting if done well (see above re: peppers). There's a lot of ways to write the rest of the backstory of Moon Dancer's research and in what ways it might be helping or harming the ponies and the griffons each, and of course where it winds up going from here. If you keep up the level of emotional fluidity and realism throughout the rest, you could make something rich and long out of this.

The analogy with the crack in the wall is handled more than smoothly enough to work, I think. Prompt interpretation is straightforward and well-executed. Generally awesome.

Some textual problems that stood out:

and the fabric of her marefriend’s poncho fluttered desperately against her feathers

Some ambiguous antecedents here.

“I still have nightmares about ‘No Fish Friday’s,” she replied.

I think that should use the name; the antecedent is too ambiguous. The nested quotation marks are a little bit awkward to read due to the collision with the apostrophe, but I don't know right away how to fix that here.

after all, you obviously never let yourself to become a passenger

"let [noun] [verb]" doesn't take a "to" before the verb, and I'm not sure what the latter phrase means (if it's meant to refer to Gilda's avian side, then, uh, I still don't know what it means in this context).

I've usually seen it spelled "gimme" rather than "gimmie", but that's arguable (but it was a little distracting).

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The puns! My goggles do nothing!

I would rate this highly if it was on my slate. As it is, I'm reading out of curiosity. But yeah. -- Showed up on my slate in finals. Huzzah.

Tier: Top Contender

Charming foal's play, well-done in its genre (I want to call it "magical realism transplanted to cartoon land" but I'm not sure that makes any sense; the way the ending isn't quite expected in flow because of the tone earlier lands it just right). I like how Minuette starts out staring at the cloudless sky rather than staring at the clouds. Minuette's also an interesting choice here with the edge-of-reality implications.

"Minstrel" feels like an odd choice of name here.

Heeheehee, "I like your mane".

Is that a callback to the archaeologist filly in the opening of "The Fault in Our Cutie Marks"?! Yes, very yes. Double points. (I wish you were on my slate.)

Eyes being swords doesn't really do it for me (they're too round for that, even on dragons, at least if they're MLP dragons), but that's a quibble.

a strong claw grasped her shoulder and spun her around. Spike had dropped to all fours.

This bit is worded oddly, because the second sentence puts all four claws on the ground and the first puts one on Twilight's shoulder. Should probably be resequenced.

The particular form of Spike's anger implies to me that Twilight's gone through this four other times and fumbled it every time, and that he's allowing her to redeem herself by getting it right even once. That seems maybe uncharacteristically undutiful of Twilight, but I can imagine her getting into that state after maybe spending a lot of background time in her life trying to avoid having any of this happen at all, and then when it starts happening it's not just the event itself but the sting of failure.

It's a little narmy, and the premise is a kind of overdone by now, but I still like it overall.

Episode-esque in genre, though too short and simple to make it into the mainline of that.

"Like looking into the Crusaders' eyes when they want something?"

Ha!

Nothing a spirit-summoning spell couldn't fix.

This comes across weirdly in plot to me. To me, that noun phrase implies a more usual cross-dimension spirit-summoning spell, and one that presumably requires a "lock" of some sort on the spirit one wishes to summon (or one gets an arbitrary one satisfying some criteria). If Sunset fled the first time, she wouldn't have concentrated enough on the ghost to be able to pick it out of a lineup afterwards. So the way this spell works doesn't exactly contradict anything, but it implies a somewhat off-beat cosmology / magic-physics. (Maybe that ghosts are rare enough and the spell short-range enough that she's guaranteed to get the same one?)

"Willow Wisp" is a little on the nose.

The second scene break feels kind of jerky.

The ending line feels odd, because the last section seems to imply that the other character in question is gone forever, at least given the usual tropes associated with the manner of disappearance.

Overall enjoyable but could use some polish and better flow.

I like each of the parts of this, but they don't string together all that coherently, and the ending is pretty abrupt. Twilight being so protective of Spike works for me in general, but it needs more development to justify the over-the-top response. The extended comedy of the housefly rings well. Not bad, but needs reshaping and more ingredients to be a well-formed story.

“It's usually annual, but last year's molt was right after you got your wings, so your feathers were all brand new.”

Wait, right after? Doesn't that mean her feathers would have molted immediately, if it's always the same time?

“It was bad enough as a filly - I can only imagine what it's like for an adult pony.”

Stories about going through much-later-than-standard development tend to catch my eye, and this made me smile.

The implication of Twilight not realizing immediately what trick Rainbow's played because she's too obsessed with the methodical formulation worked for me, but I also feel like she might've caught on earlier. (But then, she was physically distracted!) Characterization overall pretty good. I like it.

I didn't recognize the connection to Petriculture until I saw the comments, even though I'd supposedly read that before. I'm not sure the premise works out the same despite the thematic similarity; shifting Pinkie's origin to Maud gives it a way different feel than Twilight.

Okay, rereading the other story, the presence of Discord as a historical parallel in both edges it much closer toward being a (presumably accidental) retelling of it. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

The writing seems technically okay; the rhythm feels kind of clumsy. I really should've written the rest of this before that second paragraph, though, because now I think I'm too thrown off to evaluate the rest of it. Oops. :-/

That's a very good choice of setting for that interaction, and a nice description of Applejack's thoughts throughout the conversation. Good characterization and voicing, solid story arc.

The ending leaves it a little ambiguous whether Applejack is deceiving herself about it or legitimately using the chains of reasoning she applies throughout to push her thoughts in that direction. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but tentatively I think I like it better ambiguous than not.

I like the premise, but this feels way OOC for Twilight and Celestia: they're too serious, and the former too knowledgeable and knowledgeably resourceful, and the latter too highly trusted and conscious of it, for a joke like this to not completely derail or terminate upon encountering them. This doesn't work as a princess story at all, and the more explicit motivation at the very end for leaving everypony under a hoax falls flat too. But the same premise could work executed differently.

Aside from the Twilight thing, why didn't they try Cheerilee? It's not that they just didn't think of it, surely, since Applejack mentions her by name?

Hmm, I wonder if Rainbow Dash would fit in nicely somewhere here.

The phrase "3D n' stuff" feels weird for Apple Bloom. A lot of the voicing feels a little off in general. I like the gag about what's strange about the object. Some of the descriptions squick me a little too much and mar the humor, but there's some meat in there (hah) if you dig some more.

>>Trick_Question Well, guess what: I'm certain that this is going to be my best round ever! Because it's, um, my only round ever, so far.

Practice is good.

“That’s gotta be weird. Just, like, hearing ponies talk in your head?”

So resisting the urge to shake him and say "that's a terribly, terribly flat description of what it's like" but, uh.

Bias. I think it probably works to have it compared to that in the story context, honestly. But, uh, yeah.

I don't think I'm up to giving much feedback on this one currently, but I like the ambiguity of the premise, and the ambiguity of the bartender asking where Figment went. It could do with more atmosphere, though.

Oof, the Brony Stereotype really sours this for me. It's viscerally unpleasant, and it's too easy for it to be twisted into seriousness, and I'm not sure I want to try to really pick this apart. (I can see why some of the audience considers it playful self-deprecation, but I think that overstays its welcome really easily.)

Was it a migraine? No, it couldn’t be a migraine. Those types of headaches occurred for no adequately explained reason.

That opening in medias res is fantastic, but the line after it puts me on edge that it's going to be another one of Those Stories, and the rest, while competently written, doesn't redeem it from its premise. I think this has been done to death already, and this doesn't add anything of significant value to the pile.

One thing seems like a massive plot hole: why do the visitors supposedly always wander into the Everfree forest? If they're presumed to have a nerd-stereotype encyclopedic knowledge of the show, they'd know how dangerous it is, and no other explanation is visible. Alternatively, if this is meant to imply something more sinister, it's completely out of tone with the rest of the story.

First-person Celestia POV! Huh. I like the casually magically self-inverting hourglass. (Or presumably it's magically, at least. Could be a mechanical gadget. Works either way.) I like filly Twilight's characterization. I think the implication that what she did earlier in the day was hatching Spike's egg works okay but could maybe be more explicit. It leaves some awkward questions about why Celestia's already committing to treating that as more than a one-off if Twilight's telekinesis is still weak enough to have trouble with the bed later; "because observed connection to fate" is sensible in-universe but narratively unsatisfying.

Some minor errors: "as if I had leadled her up here", for instance. "small voice" seems redundant as a description of a filly's voice.

The main awkward bit is at the end, where I'm pretty sure the "feeling" being described is meant to be the foreboding feeling about the prophecy about Luna given the hint dropped earlier, but the text before it centers so much around Celestia's affectionate feelings for Twilight that it doesn't connect up, and if it were that feeling, it would have very different and distracting implications.

Just FYI: I've created a folder on FIMFiction for those of you who will be publishing your Writeoff stories there later.

If you're relatively new to the Writeoffs, remember: don't repost your story until after the judging is over! If you compromise your anonymity, you'll be disqualified!

Stories that are finalists can safely be posted starting 5/18 after winners are announced; stories that don't make finals can be posted approximately 5/13 (once you see your name show up on the Gallery page next to the story title).

Everyone who has ever entered a Writeoff should have posting privileges to Writeoff folders (though if you're not a member of the FIMFiction group, you'll have to join it). Bug me if you need posting rights.

>>Light_Striker
Indeed!

I already have enough feedback to fix things, plus questions to ask, so it wouldn't serve me well to pass the cut with either tale (maybe the one with less feedback that's better, but even then). But the feedback from these little events has helped me immeasurably toward becoming a better author.

Genre: FEELS

Thoughts: To those knocking this for its tenuous ties to Pony, I will quote the immortal words of the esteemed Professor Tor Coolguy: "Screw all y'all."

For truly we have been presented with a thing of beauty here, and I think it's a credit to the strength of our fandom's writing community to see such a captivating entry.

Tier: Top Contender

>>Trick_Question You should know better than to write "immeasurably" after Broken Symmetry…

(Okay, okay, I know, you were using it figuratively. Don't geometrident my nose)

(or any other part of me)

This story has some nice lines in it. There is some fun back and forth between Tirek and Celestia. It's well written. The problem is that the story's premise/plot doesn't actually work upon basic inspection.

First, within the story Princess Celestia calls Tirek "Immortal." By definition that means he cannot die. However, if one ceases to exist that's death. It may not be a heart attack or an arrow through the head but it's death. Therefore IF we accept that Tirek can cease to exist that means he's not immortal. He might be invulnerable, he may not be able to die by means of time or injury but he's not immortal if he can cease to exist. Therefore, he is in fact mortal and all he has to do is remember himself and he's fine.

But let's say we don't want to follow that logic. Okay. Those who are members of the mortal races would have to remember him. Twilight Sparkle is a popular princess with immortality who has written an autobiography that includes him. The book will sell and Princess Celestia says that only a generation more will remember him if he's lucky. The book now becomes a historical document. Whenever someone new reads the book they would learn about Tirek and who he was to some degree. No matter how much time passes someone somewhere will read that book or have to study that book to some degree therefore Tirek would not cease to exist because some mortal would always know who he is.

This logic also would note that other ponies from the time probably kept journals, reports, and so on. Some giant red dude essentially stealing everyone's magic would be recorded somewhere. Add to the fact that Tirek is also a foreign born prince and chances are his people still exist and are mortal. There would be historical records of him there too. Chances are there are folks there who know who is there as well.

However, let's say neither of those ideas work for someone. Okay. Let's say he's immortal and blinks out of existence. What happens if after that happens he is remembered because of the slip of a tongue or again someone reads one of the books? Does he pop back into existence again? Considering the only rule is that if you're forgotten you cease to be, then the opposite must be true. If all of a sudden he's remembered he becomes again.

Anyway, I thought it was overall a reasonably entertaining piece. I just don't think that the plot worked.

>>The_Letter_J
You could say the same with the original line :)

Cutesy? Wootesy? Have you ever met me?

Rainbow Dash can be called cute.

>>Misternick I think this supposed plot hole is way off from the intended interpretation in ways that are not justified in the text.

The idea that being hard-removed from reality qualifies as a form of death for the purposes of the definition of "immortal" requires far too narrow a definition of "immortal" for this setting. There are common non-strict definitions which only refer to something like "extreme longevity and relative invulnerability, such that no mortal-level force attempting to kill them in a recognizable way will realistically succeed, while retaining the possibility of unusual forms of 'death' via planet/god/cosmos-tier activities". There are versions of "immortality" that last for an indefinite period but can be actively removed (such as by, say, the "power deeper than life and death" directly described?) and subsequently allow the previously-immortal to die. In fact, I would guess that strict, hard immortality is rarer than the mostly-hard kind in fantastic settings. (Or you could start playing around with the definition of "exist" instead, but I don't feel like digging into that.)

"the mortal races of Equestria" can easily imply "… who are not in Tartarus" (and does already if one assumes Tartarus is not part of Equestria) given the intent of the punishment, so he doesn't count even if he's mortal, and he can't cheat by finding a mortal in Tartarus to watch him. (Or maybe he can, and Celestia doesn't know about it! That could be a sequel hook!)

"remember" can easily imply "above a nonzero threshold of habitually having related emotions", as it often does in a social sense in real life, and as it often does when remembrance is used as a source of power or longevity in fantasy. So no, "his existence is recorded somewhere in a book" doesn't count unless the book is actually read frequently and attentively enough for someone to "experience" his existence in their imagination and no long enough period of time passes when it isn't.

"Considering the only rule is that if you're forgotten you cease to be, then the opposite must be true." is not represented: saying that something undergoes a transition under certain conditions does not generally imply that it reverts if the conditions go away. "The milk will spoil if you leave it on top of the radiator" doesn't mean that it turns back if you put it back in the fridge afterward.

"Tirek is also a foreign born prince and chances are his people still exist" is not represented in the text; if it's in canon I've completely forgotten about it; and there's no reason to strongly believe that will be true over all relevant timescales even if it started out true.

And there's no reason to believe Celestia's quoting directly out of the magical contracts underlying Tartarus or whatever, as opposed to focusing on making her point comprehensible to Tirek, so being imprecise about what's going on doesn't imply she's wrong or lying in a way that would be too OOC. Obviously narratively the point has to be comprehensible to the reader as well, but in this case I think it is.

Basically: this is the sort of plot complaint that could maybe work in a hard sci-fi environment. But not in this setting, not in literal magical pony land.

My comment won't be very different from the others. This was good, simple and cute. I've seen the resolution coming from miles away but it didn't really harm the pleasure I had reading this, because the characterization is very good and the dialogs flow naturally.

I agree with the little nitpicks raised by others but the story will still be ranked pretty high.

Good job and thank you for this, this was very pleasant to read.

Addendum: I've realized what bothers me about this piece more exactly, and I think it's that it feels like it wants to be a longer arc, but all the tension got chopped out of it, so the result is pretty emotionally flat. The narration is more plot-oriented than scene/mood/character-oriented, but the plot isn't the strong part; it doesn't have enough bite. Figuring out how to put some real conflict or tension in (maybe during expansion, if you do that) would fix this; changing the style drastically so the story isn't focusing on its own flaws would too, though that would be more turning it into a different story.

Competent!

The characterization clicks well for the EqG setting, and there's a lot of little touches emphasizing it: the regular presence of smartphones (including the format of the text message), Dash being a bit oblivious and impulsive, and Sunset's reflex response to what she gets asked.

There's one comparison that sticks out like a splinter: "her face as grave as the stones around her" is far too whimsical a comparison (due to the dual meaning and the sort-of-pun) for the serious tone of the surroundings. That has to go if you want to keep the tone.

Rainbow asking "Why tell me, though?" feels a little off, because there's an obvious answer, but that could just be her being a bit oblivious again.

The arc isn't all that satisfying; it's not bad as a slice of life per se, but it has dangling emotions around the edges. If it dug into alternate Sunset's past beyond the surface, or just had any kind of more solid catharsis, that might be better. (It's realistic for this to be their response to things, but not satisfying narratively.)

I agree with what >>Ceffyl_Dwr has said about the premise, the execution and the emotional conflict. Even though that's a topic I don't particularly enjoy reading about, the story was nicely executed to caught me at least a little (not enough to overcome my usual indifference for this topic but still).

However, I'll disagree about Spike. For me, he is well characterised. I can picture him snapping at his big sister for 'failing' her friend. This line in particular:

Celestia coddles you. Luna respects you too much to interfere. Cadance can’t bring herself to do anything. None of them are gonna say it, so I will: get your selfish rump to the cottage. Now.

In the good Spike episodes, he's often the voice of reason, trying to get sense in Twilight's head. He's snarky and sarcastic and since he's older in this story, and the topic is way more serious, the fact he's very angry and tells Twilight off is not only believable but it fits his character.

So it's a pretty solid story with great characterisations. Thank you for that.

>>PaulAsaran On another reading with more comments: I thought the situation was implied pretty heavily in the opening line. There's one school left in Manehattan with any seats left, not zero, right? So that's presumably the one she's going to.

Or, wait, did you mean it the other way around, with the assumption from canon being being that Spoon always lived in Ponyville and is going to Manehattan for classes? Yeah, I guess it could be clearer; that possibility didn't occur to me on first reading, so it didn't strike me as off. The "so far away" is left kind of dangling, but that's basically the kind of crud around the edges I was talking about earlier.

(I also just noticed the story spells it with an "e". Wikia seems to think the "a" version is correct, and it makes more sense anyway. So that's a minor textual error, arguably.)

Hmmmm. It's kind of a jumble.

This needs more scene breaks. And rearrangement. The image doesn't come through that Bumble Bee isn't really there. If the paragraphs before the first bit of Fluttershy's mother's dialogue were italicized, that could make them read better as a flashback, maybe? Okay, and then it needs to alternate to match that through the rest of the first major section…

And the second major section is pretty cut off.

Bits that feel unnatural include: "Flutty" (really? That's far too close to some unfortunate English words); the all-caps in Fluttershy's dialogue; "exercise yourself"… what's "hedge-hop" mean, anyway? Oh, I see, that one's an actual aviation term! I had no idea, though; isn't that pretty uncommon? A story like this feels like it wants straightforward text.

It's a nice premise for a slice of life, but the execution needs to be way more organized.

It's been done, but this does it okay too.

I like the bit with the emphasis on Luna being the only other one who understood what being an alicorn ruler was like. I also like the bit of worldbuilding with the calendar. "long damned time" feels like a little too much of an outburst just from the word choice; maybe replace "damned" with some other intensification?

But it would take even her some years to craft the spell, and those were years her nation could not spare.

Why can't she do it in her minimal spare time over a much longer period?

It's hard to come up with useful things to say about this one, but I don't think that's a bad thing in itself.

>>Fenton That specific example about why the Spike characterization in this story is consistent works so well that I had to point out my agreement here by means of saying that I had to point it out.

Ooooh. This is a nice comedy. The punchline lands well, and there's a lot of nice bits of wordcraft throughout. I especially like the textual contrast between the main scene and the very mundane descriptions of the faraway battle: it's reminiscent of the self-parody of the "Slice of Life" episode, but better (ahem).

I don't know. I have too many conflicting feelings about this.

The ending thoughts feel pretty out of character for Rainbow Dash, and that knocks the whole story down some. The rest… does it want to be a slice of life, or does it want to be a drama? It doesn't quite work as either. There's something really grating about the emotional arc that I haven't been able to pin down; I hope someone else manages to describe it better.

>>Light_Striker
Not sure I follow the rib. Do you mean Broken Symmetry isn't a good fic, so clearly the feedback hasn't helped? Or the fic has so much scientific measurement in it that the word is ironic?

Either way, yes, it's an exaggeration. But I have totes def improved since I started writing on Fimfiction, at least.