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A Pink Shadow
"Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon!" Igneous Rock had boomed. "Like the unclean spirits of air she can move hither and yon, like wind or thought, and perform trickery that seemeth like miracles."
"She may look like a pony, but she's a ghost!" Limestone had claimed. "The farm must've been founded on ancient buffalo partying grounds! That's why she can appear out of nowhere and do all these things to her body!"
"She's just Pinkie," Maud had simply said, and Celestia believed that she had been the one closest to the truth.
The pink filly appeared on the Pies' rock farm a week ago; she claimed to be Igneous's daughter, and to always have been living on the farm. They thought she was merely an amnesiac runaway—until she began displaying her unsettling abilities. Word of the strange filly got out quickly; somepony who knew the significance of such stories brought it to Princess Celestia's attention; so now the Pies had to contend with royalty visiting their abode.
"I don't know why they're scared of me!" Pinkie said, a hop punctuating each word; Celestia was beginning to feel dizzy from her interlocutor's frolicking. "It's not like I've become some kind of a monster or ghost, I mean, if I was a ghost, I could go through stone, and—well, look!" She pointed towards a pony-shaped hole in a nearby pile of rocks. "I mean, I only went through half-way, so it makes me a half-ghost, and they should be only half-scared, right?" She sighed.
"Tell me, what were you doing seven days ago?"
"Well, Maud was harvesting some rocks, and I was just hanging around, and I was trying to get her attention a few times, and she finally began looking up, and she even asked me who I was! Silly filly—couldn't remember her sister's name!"
"And the day before that?"
"Um, well, I... Ummm..." Pinkie assumed an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose. "I think I was planning a party, or... thinking about Maud, and..." Her eyes went grotesquely wide—literally as platters. "I can't remember! I have no idea what I did eight days ago! It's like I wasn't around on that day! Do they do a roll call for existence? Maybe we should check what they wrote down for me on that day! Why can't I remember??"
"...legends of the mountaintop monks," Celestia said, the Pie family listening with rapt attention, "tell of wise ponies, capable of miraculous feats resembling magic, by power of mind alone. Usually decades of study and training are required before the mind attains sufficient strength, though some are naturally born with the necessary qualities."
Distanced from the world. Capable of great concentration. In full control of emotions, she thought.
"These abilities include the creation of thoughtforms... entities created from imagination, beginning to exist in the material world."
...legends about a monk, or an unusually talented foal, who let their mind wander once and subsequently met the very fantasy being they were imagining...
"It is natural for such thoughtform beings to be eccentric, extroverted and capable of unbelievable things... Thoughts are always a little wild, after all. Besides, it is a survival technique for them. They crave attention; if ignored, they'd fade and vanish."
Besides, our deepest thoughts sometimes reflect the suppressed, the subconscious. Shadow aspect... A thoughtform would tend to be one's opposite... She glanced towards one of the gray fillies.
"As you guess by now, these are not merely legends. Believe me when I say; I have had personal experience with the matter."
...the alicorn filly woke up in the meadow, and the being from her dream was still there, something like a snake and a goat and a dragon at once. He reached towards her with a lion's paw, and Celestia screamed and ran.
By the time she gathered the courage to come back, the being had gone away.
"She's not possessed. She's not a ghost. What she might become..." Celestia continued, "...is a lively little pony who is simply a little different from the others, and who loves her parents and her sisters. That will be all she will ever be... if you give her the family she wishes for. Believe me: such beings should not be rejected when they want to be loved."
Igneous Rock left to confer with his family; Celestia looked out the window at the lively pink filly, and the desolate rocky landscape, and wondered if she'd made the right decision this time.
"She may look like a pony, but she's a ghost!" Limestone had claimed. "The farm must've been founded on ancient buffalo partying grounds! That's why she can appear out of nowhere and do all these things to her body!"
"She's just Pinkie," Maud had simply said, and Celestia believed that she had been the one closest to the truth.
The pink filly appeared on the Pies' rock farm a week ago; she claimed to be Igneous's daughter, and to always have been living on the farm. They thought she was merely an amnesiac runaway—until she began displaying her unsettling abilities. Word of the strange filly got out quickly; somepony who knew the significance of such stories brought it to Princess Celestia's attention; so now the Pies had to contend with royalty visiting their abode.
"I don't know why they're scared of me!" Pinkie said, a hop punctuating each word; Celestia was beginning to feel dizzy from her interlocutor's frolicking. "It's not like I've become some kind of a monster or ghost, I mean, if I was a ghost, I could go through stone, and—well, look!" She pointed towards a pony-shaped hole in a nearby pile of rocks. "I mean, I only went through half-way, so it makes me a half-ghost, and they should be only half-scared, right?" She sighed.
"Tell me, what were you doing seven days ago?"
"Well, Maud was harvesting some rocks, and I was just hanging around, and I was trying to get her attention a few times, and she finally began looking up, and she even asked me who I was! Silly filly—couldn't remember her sister's name!"
"And the day before that?"
"Um, well, I... Ummm..." Pinkie assumed an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose. "I think I was planning a party, or... thinking about Maud, and..." Her eyes went grotesquely wide—literally as platters. "I can't remember! I have no idea what I did eight days ago! It's like I wasn't around on that day! Do they do a roll call for existence? Maybe we should check what they wrote down for me on that day! Why can't I remember??"
"...legends of the mountaintop monks," Celestia said, the Pie family listening with rapt attention, "tell of wise ponies, capable of miraculous feats resembling magic, by power of mind alone. Usually decades of study and training are required before the mind attains sufficient strength, though some are naturally born with the necessary qualities."
Distanced from the world. Capable of great concentration. In full control of emotions, she thought.
"These abilities include the creation of thoughtforms... entities created from imagination, beginning to exist in the material world."
...legends about a monk, or an unusually talented foal, who let their mind wander once and subsequently met the very fantasy being they were imagining...
"It is natural for such thoughtform beings to be eccentric, extroverted and capable of unbelievable things... Thoughts are always a little wild, after all. Besides, it is a survival technique for them. They crave attention; if ignored, they'd fade and vanish."
Besides, our deepest thoughts sometimes reflect the suppressed, the subconscious. Shadow aspect... A thoughtform would tend to be one's opposite... She glanced towards one of the gray fillies.
"As you guess by now, these are not merely legends. Believe me when I say; I have had personal experience with the matter."
...the alicorn filly woke up in the meadow, and the being from her dream was still there, something like a snake and a goat and a dragon at once. He reached towards her with a lion's paw, and Celestia screamed and ran.
By the time she gathered the courage to come back, the being had gone away.
"She's not possessed. She's not a ghost. What she might become..." Celestia continued, "...is a lively little pony who is simply a little different from the others, and who loves her parents and her sisters. That will be all she will ever be... if you give her the family she wishes for. Believe me: such beings should not be rejected when they want to be loved."
Igneous Rock left to confer with his family; Celestia looked out the window at the lively pink filly, and the desolate rocky landscape, and wondered if she'd made the right decision this time.
First off, nice diction for Igneous at the start. Sounds spot on!
The rest... I was immediately put in mind of Kwakerjak's "Petriculture" cycle, wherein Pinkie is a thoughtform (imaginary friend) born from Twilight's mind, as Discord is one born from Celestia's. My sincere apologies if this is original and you were completely unaware of that story or others like it, but I'm afraid it's almost impossible for me to judge something so similar to one of the most popular stories ever in the fandom... but I'll try.
Standing on its own, this is a somewhat cute idea, but it feels too clinical to me. We're seeing this from a "detective" angle as Celestia is brought in and explains things. It could be much more powerful showing it from one of the Pies. Show Maud being bored, imagining something, and etc. Or even from the PoV of the parents. How weird things are when your daughter suddenly has a new friend that she claims is her sister. As it stands, there's very little emotional impact.
The rest... I was immediately put in mind of Kwakerjak's "Petriculture" cycle, wherein Pinkie is a thoughtform (imaginary friend) born from Twilight's mind, as Discord is one born from Celestia's. My sincere apologies if this is original and you were completely unaware of that story or others like it, but I'm afraid it's almost impossible for me to judge something so similar to one of the most popular stories ever in the fandom... but I'll try.
Standing on its own, this is a somewhat cute idea, but it feels too clinical to me. We're seeing this from a "detective" angle as Celestia is brought in and explains things. It could be much more powerful showing it from one of the Pies. Show Maud being bored, imagining something, and etc. Or even from the PoV of the parents. How weird things are when your daughter suddenly has a new friend that she claims is her sister. As it stands, there's very little emotional impact.
This one is about tulpas, right? The Alexandra David-Néel streetcar stop is just around the corner of my building. :P
The first sentence, formal as it be, seems incorrect to me. You wrote: Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon! While your use of the subjunctive in the first clause is bang on, since that clause casts a doubt on what Pinkie will become, the second one, on the contrary, is a definite affirmation that “she will be possessed by a demon” and, therefore, the use of the subjunctive is improper. You should instead use the simple future tense to mark that this is an unavoidable fate: Whoever she be, Princess, she shall be possessed by a demon!
I‘m not sure the Discord passage fits very well in, though. It can be construed as a funny distraction, but, that precisely what it is: a distraction.
Now that being said, I like the idea of Pinkie being a sort of “supernatural” being born from the thoughts of an alien mind and gaining a life of her own. That goes a long way into explaining her offbeat quirks and her slapstick powers. So kudos for thinking about tulpas, and kudos for intertwining that Tibetan creed with pony world.
The first sentence, formal as it be, seems incorrect to me. You wrote: Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon! While your use of the subjunctive in the first clause is bang on, since that clause casts a doubt on what Pinkie will become, the second one, on the contrary, is a definite affirmation that “she will be possessed by a demon” and, therefore, the use of the subjunctive is improper. You should instead use the simple future tense to mark that this is an unavoidable fate: Whoever she be, Princess, she shall be possessed by a demon!
I‘m not sure the Discord passage fits very well in, though. It can be construed as a funny distraction, but, that precisely what it is: a distraction.
Now that being said, I like the idea of Pinkie being a sort of “supernatural” being born from the thoughts of an alien mind and gaining a life of her own. That goes a long way into explaining her offbeat quirks and her slapstick powers. So kudos for thinking about tulpas, and kudos for intertwining that Tibetan creed with pony world.
I didn't recognize the connection to Petriculture until I saw the comments, even though I'd supposedly read that before. I'm not sure the premise works out the same despite the thematic similarity; shifting Pinkie's origin to Maud gives it a way different feel than Twilight.
Okay, rereading the other story, the presence of Discord as a historical parallel in both edges it much closer toward being a (presumably accidental) retelling of it. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The writing seems technically okay; the rhythm feels kind of clumsy. I really should've written the rest of this before that second paragraph, though, because now I think I'm too thrown off to evaluate the rest of it. Oops. :-/
Okay, rereading the other story, the presence of Discord as a historical parallel in both edges it much closer toward being a (presumably accidental) retelling of it. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The writing seems technically okay; the rhythm feels kind of clumsy. I really should've written the rest of this before that second paragraph, though, because now I think I'm too thrown off to evaluate the rest of it. Oops. :-/
Aaand now the comments have spoiled me on Petriculture. Oh well, hopefully I'll forget by the time it finally rolls around in my RiL.
I like the premise overall, but it seems like this is a subject that needs too much explanation in too little space. A large chunk of the story is just Celestia extrapolating on facts, which is hardly a good means of maintaining reader investment beyond "oh, that's neat." The Discord segment also came out of left field and, at least to me, doesn't meld well at all with the flow of the story.
Not a bad story, but I think a different approach is needed to make it great.
I like the premise overall, but it seems like this is a subject that needs too much explanation in too little space. A large chunk of the story is just Celestia extrapolating on facts, which is hardly a good means of maintaining reader investment beyond "oh, that's neat." The Discord segment also came out of left field and, at least to me, doesn't meld well at all with the flow of the story.
Not a bad story, but I think a different approach is needed to make it great.
The pacing seems jerky. The beginning section in particular feels clumsy; the lines from the Pie family are somewhat witty, but feel a bit like a waste of space, considering that the exposition of the inciting incident is awkwardly squeezed into a single, brief, particularly 'telly' paragraph.
The ending also feels rather artificial, with Celestia's exposition; nobody really talks like that. Also, this bit just doesn't sit well with me:
Why not go all the way and tell us who exactly did she look at? It just feels like a painfully obvious way to withhold information.
And I'll agree with the other commenters that the Discord bit comes out of the left field and just muddles up the ending.
Overall, the concept is a nice one, and I liked some parts of the writing, but frankly this needs a lot of work.
Note: I haven't given it much thought while reading, but how does this jive with the show canon? Unless this is some kind of an alternate continuity, I'm not sure how easily would it be to reconcile with, say "The Cutie Mark Chronicles."
The ending also feels rather artificial, with Celestia's exposition; nobody really talks like that. Also, this bit just doesn't sit well with me:
She glanced towards one of the gray fillies.
Why not go all the way and tell us who exactly did she look at? It just feels like a painfully obvious way to withhold information.
And I'll agree with the other commenters that the Discord bit comes out of the left field and just muddles up the ending.
Overall, the concept is a nice one, and I liked some parts of the writing, but frankly this needs a lot of work.
Note: I haven't given it much thought while reading, but how does this jive with the show canon? Unless this is some kind of an alternate continuity, I'm not sure how easily would it be to reconcile with, say "The Cutie Mark Chronicles."
Genre: (lol edit left this blank)
Thoughts: I've probably run out of Writeoff time prior to finals (which I kinda don't think I'm going to make atm) but I wanted to throw out some praise for this story. On the one hand it feels brutally chopped down due to all the scene breaks; I'm guessing the initial draft of this was probably two to four times as long. But I've seen (and perpetrated) plenty of stories that didn't really survive that chopping process... and this one does. It retains its essence and appeal despite being ambitious and conveying that sense of having been cut to fit.
So the one unanswered question for me is, whose thought-form is she? Maud is the too-obvious choice. Whereas Marble never gets mentioned by name but I think it would be a cool twist if that's how she got a "twin."
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I've probably run out of Writeoff time prior to finals (which I kinda don't think I'm going to make atm) but I wanted to throw out some praise for this story. On the one hand it feels brutally chopped down due to all the scene breaks; I'm guessing the initial draft of this was probably two to four times as long. But I've seen (and perpetrated) plenty of stories that didn't really survive that chopping process... and this one does. It retains its essence and appeal despite being ambitious and conveying that sense of having been cut to fit.
So the one unanswered question for me is, whose thought-form is she? Maud is the too-obvious choice. Whereas Marble never gets mentioned by name but I think it would be a cool twist if that's how she got a "twin."
Tier: Strong
It felt like wordbuilding shoved right down my throat. While not unpleasant, it lacks something to be really enjoyable.
I didn't really care that the story looked like Petriculture. What I care though, is how a premise leads to something else. Here, the only thing explained is the premise. It is really well explained and I enjoyed both the reading and the explanation. Unfortunately, that's not enough to feel this resolved.
However, I strongly encourage you to expand it (or bring back the part you had to cut off) and publish on FimFic and I would be happy to read it.
I didn't really care that the story looked like Petriculture. What I care though, is how a premise leads to something else. Here, the only thing explained is the premise. It is really well explained and I enjoyed both the reading and the explanation. Unfortunately, that's not enough to feel this resolved.
However, I strongly encourage you to expand it (or bring back the part you had to cut off) and publish on FimFic and I would be happy to read it.
I think I said on another story that for every new attempt at covering old ground, there will be readers who haven't even set foot on said ground. It's true for me here, too. I haven't read, nor heard of, this Petriculture, and so I had no existing material with which to temper my opinion of this story. And I really enjoyed it. Characterisation was great, and I thought the concept was interesting and executed with care. There's no getting around the fact that this is struggling to breathe as a minific though, and the rapid pace and scene hopping feels alien to a story of this nature. I liked the interpretation of the prompt here, too. A little obvious, and yet quite unexpected, which is a good balancing act as far as I'm concerned.
So, it suffers from the restrictions of the round, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. And I hope you consider expanding it in due course.
Thanks for sharing your work.
So, it suffers from the restrictions of the round, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. And I hope you consider expanding it in due course.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Pony tulpa, eh?
Mmmmmmmmmm. I like the idea here, but I'm not sure you chose the right framework for it. This is going to come off harsher than intended, but you chose the least interesting permutation of this in that the primary viewpoint character (Celestia) already knows the answer to the mystery, which kinda deprives us of a story/mystery, if that makes sense. Honestly, this might be a case of the idea just being too big for a mini in the end, which forced you to that. But it keeps all the interesting stuff (the Pie Family decisions, uncovering the secrets of Tulpas, etc, etc) sidelined.
Still, neat idea.
Mmmmmmmmmm. I like the idea here, but I'm not sure you chose the right framework for it. This is going to come off harsher than intended, but you chose the least interesting permutation of this in that the primary viewpoint character (Celestia) already knows the answer to the mystery, which kinda deprives us of a story/mystery, if that makes sense. Honestly, this might be a case of the idea just being too big for a mini in the end, which forced you to that. But it keeps all the interesting stuff (the Pie Family decisions, uncovering the secrets of Tulpas, etc, etc) sidelined.
Still, neat idea.
I concur with those who've noted the Petriculture similarities, and also with those who feel this needs more words than you had on hand to give it.
>>Monokeras
No, what's written is fine. It's archaic for "she is (currently) possessed by a demon", as in right now.
>>Monokeras
The first sentence, formal as it be, seems incorrect to me. You wrote: Whoever she be, Princess, she be possessed by a demon! While your use of the subjunctive in the first clause is bang on, since that clause casts a doubt on what Pinkie will become, the second one, on the contrary, is a definite affirmation that “she will be possessed by a demon” and, therefore, the use of the subjunctive is improper. You should instead use the simple future tense to mark that this is an unavoidable fate: Whoever she be, Princess, she shall be possessed by a demon!
No, what's written is fine. It's archaic for "she is (currently) possessed by a demon", as in right now.
Yeah, I'm definitely in this story's corner. It's another weird, unconventional headcanon that's packaged and sold masterfully. But I think it makes two missteps.
The first is the revelation that Discord is actually Celestia's tulpa gone mad. From that comes the other: the implication that Pinkie Pie sprang from the mind of one of her siblings (probably Marble or Maud). Discord as Celestia's thoughtform might work. Maybe. She's all cosmic and mysterious 'n shit, and while I can't say I love the idea of her accidentally willing into being an incarnation of entropy whose power outstrips her own, I can see it working out if framed well.
Suggesting that Maud or Marble (probably Marble, since they're twins) could spawn Pinkie Pie in the same manner strains credibility, though.
The first is the revelation that Discord is actually Celestia's tulpa gone mad. From that comes the other: the implication that Pinkie Pie sprang from the mind of one of her siblings (probably Marble or Maud). Discord as Celestia's thoughtform might work. Maybe. She's all cosmic and mysterious 'n shit, and while I can't say I love the idea of her accidentally willing into being an incarnation of entropy whose power outstrips her own, I can see it working out if framed well.
Suggesting that Maud or Marble (probably Marble, since they're twins) could spawn Pinkie Pie in the same manner strains credibility, though.
>>Xepher
I haven't even read those stories, but I've read other tulpa fics, and this is exactly what I was thinking when I finished this piece.
It's... fine, but it's just the basic concept presented on a bare plate. Mindblowing if you've never seen it before, but nothing of note for anyone who has. So Pinkie's a tulpa: so what? How does this affect anything or anyone, where does she come from, does this have any implications? Do something with the idea!
Some of the comments are saying the mini format prevents it from having the room to do something with the idea. I'm not sure I agree, because this is close to doing something. Very close, almost there, with bringing in Discord as another one and setting the stage for Pinkie's self-realization, but then doesn't quite make it. To me this reads not like a failure to execute, but a failure to think of something to do. This ends up as just another "I thought of a cool concept, here is the concept just existing" entry, but there are good enough chops on display that I believe the author could've executed on something more within the format. It's not the length limit, it's the time pressure making it hard to come up with polished ideas. Or, at least, that's my theory for what happened here.
As is, it's still written well enough to be a smooth, enjoyable read. Brainstorming phase for minis is really hard, though. Try switching your ideas around while brainstorming, think about telling them from different characters' perspectives, or tonal variations like "this idea as a horror piece, this idea as a romance, this idea as gritty noir..." That sort of exercise often that helps me develop ideas further and hit on their best, most interesting versions. Thanks for writing!
I haven't even read those stories, but I've read other tulpa fics, and this is exactly what I was thinking when I finished this piece.
It's... fine, but it's just the basic concept presented on a bare plate. Mindblowing if you've never seen it before, but nothing of note for anyone who has. So Pinkie's a tulpa: so what? How does this affect anything or anyone, where does she come from, does this have any implications? Do something with the idea!
Some of the comments are saying the mini format prevents it from having the room to do something with the idea. I'm not sure I agree, because this is close to doing something. Very close, almost there, with bringing in Discord as another one and setting the stage for Pinkie's self-realization, but then doesn't quite make it. To me this reads not like a failure to execute, but a failure to think of something to do. This ends up as just another "I thought of a cool concept, here is the concept just existing" entry, but there are good enough chops on display that I believe the author could've executed on something more within the format. It's not the length limit, it's the time pressure making it hard to come up with polished ideas. Or, at least, that's my theory for what happened here.
As is, it's still written well enough to be a smooth, enjoyable read. Brainstorming phase for minis is really hard, though. Try switching your ideas around while brainstorming, think about telling them from different characters' perspectives, or tonal variations like "this idea as a horror piece, this idea as a romance, this idea as gritty noir..." That sort of exercise often that helps me develop ideas further and hit on their best, most interesting versions. Thanks for writing!
A Pink Retrospective
Thanks to everyone who've read my story!
I only came up with the general concept a few hours before the deadline, and I guess that the (then-)recent Maud Pie episode inspired me to set this story around the Pie family. It's all pretty awkwardly crammed in; to get my ideas across, I had to cut off the corners from every scene and patch the resulting holes with hasty exposition. Also, I had absolutely no idea for the ending, at least one that wouldn't have taken up several hundred words. Hence why in the last paragraph I basically throw in the towel and write the equivalent of "Oh crap, out of words, let's just assume it all ended well, toodles!"
>>Xepher
Okay, let's put this out of the way... I've never heard of the Petriculture cycle, and any similarities are pure coincidence. As well as evidence that once you have Pinkie being a tulpa, coming up with the idea of Discord likewise being a tulpa is pretty much a no-brainer.
>>PaulAsaran
The Discord scene was something I kept because it provided me with a neat way to wrap up that nub of an ending; it gives Celestia a strong argument as to why should the Pies adopt Pinkie -- because otherwise bad-bad stuff will happen.
>>JudgeDeadd
Wow, where do you get off insulting other people's work like that? Where's your literary masterpiece, huh? Jerk.
>>CoffeeMinion
It's Maud. Obviously only best Pie could pull off something that spectacular. At least, that was my idea while I was writing. But now you got me thinking...
>>Fenton
Yeah, unfortunately. The fanfic's basically just an excuse to show off the idea, with Celestia being there solely to provide exposition; it almost feels like this is just a breathless concept pitch in story form. I can think of several ways to write the same concept in a more compelling way. Not sure if I'll ever be writing something longer based on this story (especially now that I know the basic concept's already been done.)
Thanks to everyone who've read my story!
I only came up with the general concept a few hours before the deadline, and I guess that the (then-)recent Maud Pie episode inspired me to set this story around the Pie family. It's all pretty awkwardly crammed in; to get my ideas across, I had to cut off the corners from every scene and patch the resulting holes with hasty exposition. Also, I had absolutely no idea for the ending, at least one that wouldn't have taken up several hundred words. Hence why in the last paragraph I basically throw in the towel and write the equivalent of "Oh crap, out of words, let's just assume it all ended well, toodles!"
>>Xepher
Okay, let's put this out of the way... I've never heard of the Petriculture cycle, and any similarities are pure coincidence. As well as evidence that once you have Pinkie being a tulpa, coming up with the idea of Discord likewise being a tulpa is pretty much a no-brainer.
>>PaulAsaran
The Discord scene was something I kept because it provided me with a neat way to wrap up that nub of an ending; it gives Celestia a strong argument as to why should the Pies adopt Pinkie -- because otherwise bad-bad stuff will happen.
>>JudgeDeadd
Wow, where do you get off insulting other people's work like that? Where's your literary masterpiece, huh? Jerk.
>>CoffeeMinion
It's Maud. Obviously only best Pie could pull off something that spectacular. At least, that was my idea while I was writing. But now you got me thinking...
>>Fenton
Yeah, unfortunately. The fanfic's basically just an excuse to show off the idea, with Celestia being there solely to provide exposition; it almost feels like this is just a breathless concept pitch in story form. I can think of several ways to write the same concept in a more compelling way. Not sure if I'll ever be writing something longer based on this story (especially now that I know the basic concept's already been done.)