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The Story of Spike and the Housefly
Spike lay prone in his bed, holding the pages of a Power Ponies comic down in place. His eyes were fixed to the colorful panels, and he kicked his stubby feet back and forth while reading. Around him, books were strewn all over the place, left there since the start of the day. No doubt Twilight would organize them later.
He was almost at the point where the Mane-iac escaped from prison for the twelfth time when a faint buzzing caused him to quirk his head toward the doorway. At first he couldn't see anything there, but a small housefly quickly came into view. Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society. The fly's compound eyes glared at him as though the room were its domain.
Sighing, Spike returned to his comic. "Go away."
The fly made a circuit around the room, flying rather slowly due to its size. Erratically, it took a stop at a nearby table, landing atop it in the time a pony could do a quick tap dance. Not long afterwards, it went off to mark the territory of the hallway instead. "Finally," he muttered under his breath before being engrossed in the comic once more.
Minutes passed without any movement, until the fly re-entered the room to tour the mobile hanging from the ceiling. The buzzing sound became prominent again, but this time it dared to come closer and closer to Spike's bed, regaling the dragon with the history of the mighty housefly race by beating its wings.
He didn't give the fly the luxury of even a glance as he turned the page. "Seriously, buzz off."
Being incapable of understanding the language of equines and dragons alike, the fly took it as an invitation to sit on the dragon's shoulder and suck at the nutrients with its hairy proboscis. Spike's eyes twitched slightly as the fly crawled downwards to his right hand, now sucking microscopic bits of who-knows-what.
After scouring the surface of his hand for particles left over from his breakfast, it crouched down and—
Faster than Twilight's faceplants in flight training, Spike swatted the fly as hard as he could. Pain instantly coursed through his body, and he cried out loud enough for the resulting sound to echo across the hallway. He bit his lip as he caressed his hand. The fly wasn't there, but he tried not to think about that.
However, he did manage a faint smile when he noticed that his comic was intact, though this small comfort disappeared the moment the buzzing noise started once again. The fly, before flying to the bucket of gems, took a slight detour to the various crystalline frame around the bookcase first to take in the decor.
Twilight barged into the room, eyes wide and ears perked. Her voice was frantic. "Spike, are you alr—" She glanced at the fly resting on the gems, then at Spike shaking and still caressing his hand.
"Oh, I'll deal with it," she said. The housefly was rubbing its forelegs in an intense back-and-forth motion, sometimes lowering its head to clean that too. With millimeter precision, Twilight grabbed the fly, levitated it into the air, and cremated it alive into a pile of dust. Then, the remains still caught in her magic, she headed for the doorway. She allowed a small smirk to cross her face.
Spike's mouth hung agape. "Should I worry about you doing that to ponies?"
Her smirk faded. "Uhh..." was her response as she sprinkled the remains into the trash can.
He was almost at the point where the Mane-iac escaped from prison for the twelfth time when a faint buzzing caused him to quirk his head toward the doorway. At first he couldn't see anything there, but a small housefly quickly came into view. Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society. The fly's compound eyes glared at him as though the room were its domain.
Sighing, Spike returned to his comic. "Go away."
The fly made a circuit around the room, flying rather slowly due to its size. Erratically, it took a stop at a nearby table, landing atop it in the time a pony could do a quick tap dance. Not long afterwards, it went off to mark the territory of the hallway instead. "Finally," he muttered under his breath before being engrossed in the comic once more.
Minutes passed without any movement, until the fly re-entered the room to tour the mobile hanging from the ceiling. The buzzing sound became prominent again, but this time it dared to come closer and closer to Spike's bed, regaling the dragon with the history of the mighty housefly race by beating its wings.
He didn't give the fly the luxury of even a glance as he turned the page. "Seriously, buzz off."
Being incapable of understanding the language of equines and dragons alike, the fly took it as an invitation to sit on the dragon's shoulder and suck at the nutrients with its hairy proboscis. Spike's eyes twitched slightly as the fly crawled downwards to his right hand, now sucking microscopic bits of who-knows-what.
After scouring the surface of his hand for particles left over from his breakfast, it crouched down and—
Faster than Twilight's faceplants in flight training, Spike swatted the fly as hard as he could. Pain instantly coursed through his body, and he cried out loud enough for the resulting sound to echo across the hallway. He bit his lip as he caressed his hand. The fly wasn't there, but he tried not to think about that.
However, he did manage a faint smile when he noticed that his comic was intact, though this small comfort disappeared the moment the buzzing noise started once again. The fly, before flying to the bucket of gems, took a slight detour to the various crystalline frame around the bookcase first to take in the decor.
Twilight barged into the room, eyes wide and ears perked. Her voice was frantic. "Spike, are you alr—" She glanced at the fly resting on the gems, then at Spike shaking and still caressing his hand.
"Oh, I'll deal with it," she said. The housefly was rubbing its forelegs in an intense back-and-forth motion, sometimes lowering its head to clean that too. With millimeter precision, Twilight grabbed the fly, levitated it into the air, and cremated it alive into a pile of dust. Then, the remains still caught in her magic, she headed for the doorway. She allowed a small smirk to cross her face.
Spike's mouth hung agape. "Should I worry about you doing that to ponies?"
Her smirk faded. "Uhh..." was her response as she sprinkled the remains into the trash can.
I felt engaged while I was reading it, but by the end, didn't feel like I'd gone anywhere.
This story revolves around a conflict that's either totally inconsequential, or extraordinarily subtle about its import in the grand scheme of things. If it's the former, I guess the story's good for what it is. If it's the latter, I think we need a little more of a hint. I feel like there might be just the faintest touch of something there, in the last three paragraphs or so, but it's really hard to tell since it could just as plausibly be nothing more than my own mind wanting to superimpose my own speculative interpretation(s).
This story revolves around a conflict that's either totally inconsequential, or extraordinarily subtle about its import in the grand scheme of things. If it's the former, I guess the story's good for what it is. If it's the latter, I think we need a little more of a hint. I feel like there might be just the faintest touch of something there, in the last three paragraphs or so, but it's really hard to tell since it could just as plausibly be nothing more than my own mind wanting to superimpose my own speculative interpretation(s).
Well written indeed, but as it has been said, the conflict feels very plain. It seems to go somewhere though but I'm not sure what is this 'somewhere'.
I got two options:
-One, the story pokes fun at how the show treats animals and insects, never killing either of these.
Two, Spike realised that ponies, and especially alicorns, are powerful being, able to vaporise anything with a blink of an eye and thus, questionned if he should fear for some ponies' safety. However, I can't buy Spike questionning that. He has lived with Twilight for almost his life and he knows that she couldn't hurt a fly (French expression to say that someone won't hurt anyone because of his kindness).
Anyway, a mid-tier because the writing and the pace are solid but, unfortunately, I didn't really get what the story aimed at.
I got two options:
-One, the story pokes fun at how the show treats animals and insects, never killing either of these.
Two, Spike realised that ponies, and especially alicorns, are powerful being, able to vaporise anything with a blink of an eye and thus, questionned if he should fear for some ponies' safety. However, I can't buy Spike questionning that. He has lived with Twilight for almost his life and he knows that she couldn't hurt a fly (French expression to say that someone won't hurt anyone because of his kindness).
Anyway, a mid-tier because the writing and the pace are solid but, unfortunately, I didn't really get what the story aimed at.
I like each of the parts of this, but they don't string together all that coherently, and the ending is pretty abrupt. Twilight being so protective of Spike works for me in general, but it needs more development to justify the over-the-top response. The extended comedy of the housefly rings well. Not bad, but needs reshaping and more ingredients to be a well-formed story.
Nicely written for the most part, although there are one or two sentences that come across unwieldy and in need of some slight revision. Such as:
Like a few others have already said though, I can't quite work out whether there is a deeper meaning at play here. If there is, then perhaps consideration could be given into making it a little more overt. If there isn't anything more subtle going on, and the story is to be taken at face value, then Twilight's smirk is... concerning. Worry indeed, Spike.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society.
Like a few others have already said though, I can't quite work out whether there is a deeper meaning at play here. If there is, then perhaps consideration could be given into making it a little more overt. If there isn't anything more subtle going on, and the story is to be taken at face value, then Twilight's smirk is... concerning. Worry indeed, Spike.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This is another case of "the ending is unrelated to the rest of the story". The ending is interesting, though completely out of character, since Twilight has no reason to kill the fly when she can carry it outside or teleport it away. The story about Spike being annoyed is less interesting.
You need some proofreading. The telliness is okay due to what you're using it for, but it shouldn't be a mixture of Spike's and fly's perspective: choose one.
Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society. The fly's compound eyes glared at him as though the room were its domain.
You need some proofreading. The telliness is okay due to what you're using it for, but it shouldn't be a mixture of Spike's and fly's perspective: choose one.
This feels like a couple of the writeoff stories I've done, in that it's more an event or series thereof than a story and the ending doesn't quite gel with everything that came before.
This is a barebones writing exercise, using a very well worn comedy sketch (each of those is a different link.)
Execution's okay. Good prose and descriptions. Nice stinger at the end about Twilight's casual pyromancy, though it doesn't go anywhere. I wish some of the earlier scene had been shortened so we could get a little more followup on that, that's the interesting and original bit. The rest is technically sound, but not very engaging; I pretty much skimmed the whole thing once I could tell "yep it's that sketch."
Lower mid tier for me. It doesn't trainwreck, exactly, but loses a ton of points in the "attention hook" category. When you're doing an established scene, it's important to make your telling clearly unique. Thanks for writing!
Execution's okay. Good prose and descriptions. Nice stinger at the end about Twilight's casual pyromancy, though it doesn't go anywhere. I wish some of the earlier scene had been shortened so we could get a little more followup on that, that's the interesting and original bit. The rest is technically sound, but not very engaging; I pretty much skimmed the whole thing once I could tell "yep it's that sketch."
Lower mid tier for me. It doesn't trainwreck, exactly, but loses a ton of points in the "attention hook" category. When you're doing an established scene, it's important to make your telling clearly unique. Thanks for writing!
Unfortunately, nothing particularly interesting really happens here. The occasional bits of verbal filigree
...feel too obviously like an attempt to make up for the poor premise with some "clever" prose. (And that second sentence is pretty confusingly written by the way. And are we seeing this from Spike's POV or the fly's POV? The latter might have made for a more interesting story, actually.) Ultimately this story feels like it's built on sand; it would take a truly excellent writer to make a fanfic with this premise compelling.
Actually, it might have worked better if the story had a more humorous angle, with slapstick shenanigans as Spike chases the fly all over the room, no doubt causing untold destruction in the process, all with a narrator commenting wryly on the proceedings.
regaling the dragon with the history of the mighty housefly race by beating its wings.
The fly, before flying to the bucket of gems, took a slight detour to the various crystalline frame around the bookcase first to take in the decor.
...feel too obviously like an attempt to make up for the poor premise with some "clever" prose. (And that second sentence is pretty confusingly written by the way. And are we seeing this from Spike's POV or the fly's POV? The latter might have made for a more interesting story, actually.) Ultimately this story feels like it's built on sand; it would take a truly excellent writer to make a fanfic with this premise compelling.
Actually, it might have worked better if the story had a more humorous angle, with slapstick shenanigans as Spike chases the fly all over the room, no doubt causing untold destruction in the process, all with a narrator commenting wryly on the proceedings.
An Introspection of Sorts
>>Ranmilia
This is a barebones writing exercise
Drat, you saw right through my plan!
using a very well worn comedy sketch (each of those is a different link.)
And here are my hopes of originality, crushed utterly and definitively by anime…
>>JudgeDeadd >>TrumpetofDoom >>Trick_Question >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Light_Striker >>Fenton >>Winston >>Xepher
And I think there are enough people who've pointed out the lack of stuff that actually happens.
(On a side note, I should probably get some sleep...)