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"It Is All Your Fault!" The Widow Cried
There is wisdom that is madness, if you just skip the woe.
~Equestrian proverb.
“It’s all your fault!” the widow cried, and her voice was like broken glass. “You took him from me!”
Her screams echoed; the rain poured harder. The mare’s mane was wet, ugly, it stuck against her face and made her look older—but she did not care.
There was hate in her eyes when she pointed. “You,” she said, now a whisper. “You monster.”
Thunder roared.
Celestia looked around, frowned. "Um. Luna." She stomped on her sister's hoof. "Luna! She's talking to you!"
“What? Oh!" Luna blinked. "Oh, my apologies. I was dozing off.” She offered the widow a warm smile. “What were we talking about?”
“You killed my husband!”
“Ah.” Luna nodded. “Yes. I suppose that was bound to be the topic.”
The scene had happened before; it would happen again. The cemetery, right behind Canterlot Palace. Rain. A crying widow.
And the Princesses, always there, to bid adieu and show respect.
“I do not understand why you refused to have an umbrella,” Luna said, as she looked into the widow’s eyes. “I understand the dramatic overtones of the rain, but it's cold. Do you want mine?”
The widow cried again. “You monster!”
“...Is that a no?”
“I hate you!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “This again,” she said. “I am sorry for your loss. I really am.” She meant it. “But there is no reason to yell.”
“You took him from me!”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But it wasn’t my fault.” Here, Celestia signaled to her, but Luna was tired and wanted to go inside already. “And there is no reason to be this emotional. He’ll come back eventually.”
Thunder roared.
The widow’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“Luna.” Celestia elbowed her sister. “Luna, no. The guard is dead.”
“So?” Luna frowned. “Like that’s going to stop him.”
“The dead don’t come back.”
“He will never come back!” said the widow.
“Oh, please. I’ve seen this a thousand times already. And I’ll see it a thousand times again.” Luna looked at the widow, and there was love in that look, but also coldness. “You cry now,” she said. “And you miss him, and you hate me. But in time, he will come back. And you will forget. And the pain will go away, if you just wait enough.”
“No!”
“Yes.” Luna didn’t smile. “Take my word. In no time, you will be laughing. And you won’t remember this conversation. But I will.” And she closed her eyes. “Such is the burden of an immortal. Such is the weight we carry.”
By her side, Celestia frowned at her.
Thunder roared in the distance.
The widow kept crying.
The widow was laughing.
Running around the city, chased by her lover—Luna could see them from the castle, as she shared a table with her sister. And this time, she did smile, as she looked at her sister.
She talked. “I told you.”
Celestia looked at her. “What?”
“She’d forget. And he’d come back. They just needed to wait, to stay. The pain went away.”
Celestia didn’t understand, at first. But then she looked through the window, and that sparked her memory. “Oh. Oh, Luna. No.”
“Yes.” Luna pointed. “Look at them. They’re happy. They’re laughing. The dead always come back to life. But they never remember.”
And Celestia sighed. “Luna, they don’t.”
“What?”
“Those are their descendants.”
“What?”
A sip of tea. “Luna,” Celestia said. “That happened thousands of years ago. He never came back, she just died. Those are the descendants.”
Luna looked. “…What?”
“Goodness. You always do this.” Celestia pointed. “That is another pony, probably related to her. Not the same one at all.”
“But they look alike.”
“Yes, that’s how families work.”
Confusion. “So he never came back, then?”
“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”
“Oh.” Luna frowned. “Well. It is confusing. They look exactly alike.”
“Luna this is not a hard concept to grasp.”
“Then...” Luna looked. “What happened?”
“Time passed, and she died alone and miserable.”
“…So. The pain did go away.”
Pause. Frown. “Well, yes. Because she died. But—”
“So I was right.”
“No.”
“She is laughing. But I remember.”
“Luna, that is completely wrong, you can’t—”
“Such is the burden of an immortal.”
“Luna. Luna, no.”
“Such is the weight we carry.”
“Luna, for the love of—”
There is madness that is wisdom, if you don’t pay any attention.
~Another Equestrian proverb.
~Equestrian proverb.
“It’s all your fault!” the widow cried, and her voice was like broken glass. “You took him from me!”
Her screams echoed; the rain poured harder. The mare’s mane was wet, ugly, it stuck against her face and made her look older—but she did not care.
There was hate in her eyes when she pointed. “You,” she said, now a whisper. “You monster.”
Thunder roared.
Celestia looked around, frowned. "Um. Luna." She stomped on her sister's hoof. "Luna! She's talking to you!"
“What? Oh!" Luna blinked. "Oh, my apologies. I was dozing off.” She offered the widow a warm smile. “What were we talking about?”
“You killed my husband!”
“Ah.” Luna nodded. “Yes. I suppose that was bound to be the topic.”
The scene had happened before; it would happen again. The cemetery, right behind Canterlot Palace. Rain. A crying widow.
And the Princesses, always there, to bid adieu and show respect.
“I do not understand why you refused to have an umbrella,” Luna said, as she looked into the widow’s eyes. “I understand the dramatic overtones of the rain, but it's cold. Do you want mine?”
The widow cried again. “You monster!”
“...Is that a no?”
“I hate you!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “This again,” she said. “I am sorry for your loss. I really am.” She meant it. “But there is no reason to yell.”
“You took him from me!”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But it wasn’t my fault.” Here, Celestia signaled to her, but Luna was tired and wanted to go inside already. “And there is no reason to be this emotional. He’ll come back eventually.”
Thunder roared.
The widow’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“Luna.” Celestia elbowed her sister. “Luna, no. The guard is dead.”
“So?” Luna frowned. “Like that’s going to stop him.”
“The dead don’t come back.”
“He will never come back!” said the widow.
“Oh, please. I’ve seen this a thousand times already. And I’ll see it a thousand times again.” Luna looked at the widow, and there was love in that look, but also coldness. “You cry now,” she said. “And you miss him, and you hate me. But in time, he will come back. And you will forget. And the pain will go away, if you just wait enough.”
“No!”
“Yes.” Luna didn’t smile. “Take my word. In no time, you will be laughing. And you won’t remember this conversation. But I will.” And she closed her eyes. “Such is the burden of an immortal. Such is the weight we carry.”
By her side, Celestia frowned at her.
Thunder roared in the distance.
The widow kept crying.
The widow was laughing.
Running around the city, chased by her lover—Luna could see them from the castle, as she shared a table with her sister. And this time, she did smile, as she looked at her sister.
She talked. “I told you.”
Celestia looked at her. “What?”
“She’d forget. And he’d come back. They just needed to wait, to stay. The pain went away.”
Celestia didn’t understand, at first. But then she looked through the window, and that sparked her memory. “Oh. Oh, Luna. No.”
“Yes.” Luna pointed. “Look at them. They’re happy. They’re laughing. The dead always come back to life. But they never remember.”
And Celestia sighed. “Luna, they don’t.”
“What?”
“Those are their descendants.”
“What?”
A sip of tea. “Luna,” Celestia said. “That happened thousands of years ago. He never came back, she just died. Those are the descendants.”
Luna looked. “…What?”
“Goodness. You always do this.” Celestia pointed. “That is another pony, probably related to her. Not the same one at all.”
“But they look alike.”
“Yes, that’s how families work.”
Confusion. “So he never came back, then?”
“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”
“Oh.” Luna frowned. “Well. It is confusing. They look exactly alike.”
“Luna this is not a hard concept to grasp.”
“Then...” Luna looked. “What happened?”
“Time passed, and she died alone and miserable.”
“…So. The pain did go away.”
Pause. Frown. “Well, yes. Because she died. But—”
“So I was right.”
“No.”
“She is laughing. But I remember.”
“Luna, that is completely wrong, you can’t—”
“Such is the burden of an immortal.”
“Luna. Luna, no.”
“Such is the weight we carry.”
“Luna, for the love of—”
There is madness that is wisdom, if you don’t pay any attention.
~Another Equestrian proverb.
Genre: Consarnit SYEEKOH!!
Thoughts: So the joke here is that Luna is forgetful and/or horrible.
<simpsons_thatsthejoke.png/>
I mean, this is funny for what it is, which is an extended cringe comedy joke. I think hanging the entire story on that is really hit-or-miss from an audience perspective. Like I can recognize the joke, but it's not really my thing. I think there will be people who get into it, though.
Tier:Abstain Needs Work (revised for Finals... I think this is decently written from a technical perspective but it needs to be a lot clearer about what it's trying to be. Being both serious and funny is possible but this reeeeeallllyyy doesn't stick the landing for me in its current presentation.)
Thoughts: So the joke here is that Luna is forgetful and/or horrible.
<simpsons_thatsthejoke.png/>
I mean, this is funny for what it is, which is an extended cringe comedy joke. I think hanging the entire story on that is really hit-or-miss from an audience perspective. Like I can recognize the joke, but it's not really my thing. I think there will be people who get into it, though.
Tier:
K. It kinda felt like scenes from two stories. One a serious topic about grief, and the other a joke about Luna.
So, the joke here is that Luna is a terrible person, because she's stupid. And okay, I understand character assassination comedy, and some of it I quite like. But this didn't feel funny to me--just mean-spirited. If you want to keep the central joke and premise while lightening it up enough that my reaction isn't to cringe and feel disappointed (and maybe you do want me to feel that way, because your target audience finds this funnier than I do. But otherwise...), take away some of the more aggressive tones of despair (it's enough to know that the widow eventually died, we don't need to dwell on her misery) and remove the personal culpability (if the widow cries to the heavens "Why did this have to happen?" and Luna says something blindingly inappropriate, that's a very different tone from her deflecting a direct accusation of murder). Aragon wrote a comedy about the princesses not understanding death that you might want to look at--while your story is different from it in basically every way except "princess not understanding death," and while I'm not encouraging you to copy any of his material or writing style, the one thing you could take from it is how he avoided getting too grim and miserable with a story that is, also, basically character assassination cringe comedy.
(P.S. It just occured to me that, if it turns out this story is written by Aragon, I'm going to feel weird about recommending you read your own fic, but... maybe you should anyway? We can learn from ourselves as well as from others, after all)
(P.S. It just occured to me that, if it turns out this story is written by Aragon, I'm going to feel weird about recommending you read your own fic, but... maybe you should anyway? We can learn from ourselves as well as from others, after all)
I was a little nonplussed to read >>CoffeeMinion and >>Chris's interpretations, because this doesn't seem like a joke to me at all. I read it as a serious piece on the difference in time perception between alicorns and mortal ponies, even though the Luna in this story handles it in a particularly oblivious fashion (which seems quite OOC to canon, but interesting as something she might slip into by accident from time to time—maybe there's some very gradual decay going on? Or lingering damage from her banishment?).
I suppose some things could point toward it being a joke, like the flat questions and the commaless vocatives in the second section, but they feel more like linguistic anomalies to me (and should probably be taken out if it's meant to be serious). I do appreciate the repetitiveness in the first section for tone-setting, and the abbreviated back-and-forth in the second section. I think that's part of what tilts my interpretation: the text feels like it's mimicking the sort of memory that would be adapted to seeing entire chains of descendants as continuous. Things that would normally be highly varied at shorter timescales blur together into single tone-clusters.
(But I can be incredibly biased on this sort of topic.)
If this does actually want to go the serious route, I would want to see more extrapolation of the causes and consequences of this behavioral pattern, maybe especially as it relates to Luna's effectiveness at ruling. There's a number of places this could go, really, but the current story doesn't take it any of those places; it jumps from one scene to a scene thousands of years later and covers only the basic connection between them. It could possibly have covered more ground at the expense of tone, but I don't know if that would have been better in a minific context.
Other quibbles: the quotation mark characters are inconsistent, and I don't understand the application of the reversed proverb at the end.
I suppose some things could point toward it being a joke, like the flat questions and the commaless vocatives in the second section, but they feel more like linguistic anomalies to me (and should probably be taken out if it's meant to be serious). I do appreciate the repetitiveness in the first section for tone-setting, and the abbreviated back-and-forth in the second section. I think that's part of what tilts my interpretation: the text feels like it's mimicking the sort of memory that would be adapted to seeing entire chains of descendants as continuous. Things that would normally be highly varied at shorter timescales blur together into single tone-clusters.
(But I can be incredibly biased on this sort of topic.)
If this does actually want to go the serious route, I would want to see more extrapolation of the causes and consequences of this behavioral pattern, maybe especially as it relates to Luna's effectiveness at ruling. There's a number of places this could go, really, but the current story doesn't take it any of those places; it jumps from one scene to a scene thousands of years later and covers only the basic connection between them. It could possibly have covered more ground at the expense of tone, but I don't know if that would have been better in a minific context.
Other quibbles: the quotation mark characters are inconsistent, and I don't understand the application of the reversed proverb at the end.
>>Light_Striker
I don't know, there are some lines in here that I struggle to interpret as anything but comedy. Consider exchanges like this:
Or this:
Now with that said, I think this could be steered toward greater seriousness if that's the goal. But the word choice would need to look different for me to get there.
I don't know, there are some lines in here that I struggle to interpret as anything but comedy. Consider exchanges like this:
"Oh, my apologies. I was dozing off.” She offered the widow a warm smile. “What were we talking about?”
“You killed my husband!”
“Ah.” Luna nodded. “Yes. I suppose that was bound to be the topic.”
Or this:
“Luna, that is completely wrong, you can’t—”
“Such is the burden of an immortal.”
“Luna. Luna, no.”
“Such is the weight we carry.”
“Luna, for the love of—”
Now with that said, I think this could be steered toward greater seriousness if that's the goal. But the word choice would need to look different for me to get there.
>>CoffeeMinion Interesting. For what it's worth, the former reads to me as "just what would happen if her immortal-to-mortal social filters had been disabled" and the latter reads to me with Celestia's voice likely being more horrified, as though she'd seen this happen before and were trying to pull it back before it could happen again. Which arguably is what happened in the story.
The line that gives the most impression of joke-intent to me if I squint rather than skipping over the blip as incongruous is:
Mainly because of the tone implied by the lack of a question mark.
The line that gives the most impression of joke-intent to me if I squint rather than skipping over the blip as incongruous is:
“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”
Mainly because of the tone implied by the lack of a question mark.
Without having read the comments, I was already torn between two feelings for this story.
It seems that the story is supposed to be a comedy about immortality but the two tones don't really mix well for my taste. There are several times I thought "Okay... I don't understand why but okay", and thus, I couldn't really enjoy the story.
I don't know what the two Equestrian proverbs are supposed to highlight in the story. I'm sure there are there for a reason but I can't figure it out.
The only interpretation I managed to form is with the last proverb
So Luna's madness could appear as wisdom. Indeed, even if the widow hadn't met again with her husband, her descendants have repeated the cycle, living, loving, mating, raising, dying. From a larger perspective, that could appear as a wisdom on life, but the Equestrian proverb actually tells us that this is not wisdom, this is madness (don't even think about it :p). So the author is actually telling us he/she/Apache helicopter disagrees with this way of thinking. But, if you reread the first proverb, you have the opposite interpretation.
So what? We just have to choose between the two, choose the one we agree with and dismiss the other? That's not how I enjoy a story. I enjoy a story with real and definite choices or views. I can strongly disagree with them but still enjoy the story because I have an opportunity to try to see the world in a way I can't see by myself. That being said, I can't hold this against the story because, like I said, this interpretation is very weak for me.
As for ranking it, I will abstain for now. If I ever find how to rate it, I'll come back and say it, but for now, it is too confusing for me to properly judge it.
It seems that the story is supposed to be a comedy about immortality but the two tones don't really mix well for my taste. There are several times I thought "Okay... I don't understand why but okay", and thus, I couldn't really enjoy the story.
I don't know what the two Equestrian proverbs are supposed to highlight in the story. I'm sure there are there for a reason but I can't figure it out.
The only interpretation I managed to form is with the last proverb
There is madness that is wisdom, if you don’t pay any attention.
So Luna's madness could appear as wisdom. Indeed, even if the widow hadn't met again with her husband, her descendants have repeated the cycle, living, loving, mating, raising, dying. From a larger perspective, that could appear as a wisdom on life, but the Equestrian proverb actually tells us that this is not wisdom, this is madness (don't even think about it :p). So the author is actually telling us he/she/Apache helicopter disagrees with this way of thinking. But, if you reread the first proverb, you have the opposite interpretation.
So what? We just have to choose between the two, choose the one we agree with and dismiss the other? That's not how I enjoy a story. I enjoy a story with real and definite choices or views. I can strongly disagree with them but still enjoy the story because I have an opportunity to try to see the world in a way I can't see by myself. That being said, I can't hold this against the story because, like I said, this interpretation is very weak for me.
As for ranking it, I will abstain for now. If I ever find how to rate it, I'll come back and say it, but for now, it is too confusing for me to properly judge it.
Right, let's see what all the debate and fuss is about.
Hm.
Firstly, I enjoyed this.
Now for the rest. I really struggle to see the comedy/joke angle being referenced above. Like >>Light_Striker, I read this as a serious reflection on what existing for so long can do to you. Perhaps it lost a little of that tone in Luna's oblivious nature (I personally like to entertain the idea that she is deliberately misleading herself there, which would give the prompt a little more resonance), but I took most of the dialogue as her not realising (or not caring) that her social filter (to steal Light_Striker's usage) had slipped. And lines like:
kill off any sense of an attempt at comedy for me. And that's just fine; I prefer the more serious interpretation anyway.
That said, Author, the fact that there is such a discussion regarding this might suggest something has gone awry in the execution. Or perhaps it was all deliberate, I dunno. At any rate, as I've said already, I enjoyed this. I liked Luna's detached and ethereal nature, which felt quite real within the context of the story, and there was a nice sense of gravity to the whole affair. Thanks for sharing your work.
Hm.
Firstly, I enjoyed this.
Now for the rest. I really struggle to see the comedy/joke angle being referenced above. Like >>Light_Striker, I read this as a serious reflection on what existing for so long can do to you. Perhaps it lost a little of that tone in Luna's oblivious nature (I personally like to entertain the idea that she is deliberately misleading herself there, which would give the prompt a little more resonance), but I took most of the dialogue as her not realising (or not caring) that her social filter (to steal Light_Striker's usage) had slipped. And lines like:
“I am sorry for your loss. I really am.” She meant it.
and there was love in that look
And this time, she did smile
kill off any sense of an attempt at comedy for me. And that's just fine; I prefer the more serious interpretation anyway.
That said, Author, the fact that there is such a discussion regarding this might suggest something has gone awry in the execution. Or perhaps it was all deliberate, I dunno. At any rate, as I've said already, I enjoyed this. I liked Luna's detached and ethereal nature, which felt quite real within the context of the story, and there was a nice sense of gravity to the whole affair. Thanks for sharing your work.
Yeah this one rather bounced for me, for much the same reason as others have noticed. Luna comes off as, not serene and detached which might have worked, but thick and oblivious which is a weird line to follow. I spent a few paragraphs expecting the Widow to be Twilight, which would have made Luna an ass (pardon the racial slur) but not stupid as time really would have healed all wounds.
That said, I quite like the concept of an immortal just not quite wrapping their head around death. Kind of the old Greek idea of endless life but with a cost, where despite a perfect body a little of you life is forgotten every year until you reach the point where reincarnation seems logical just because you keep seeing similar faces over and over again. That's a far more tragic story than this one, however, and I think that might be the crux of the problem. The story is trying to be funny, but it's cringe humour when it should be black or even just played straight.
That said, I quite like the concept of an immortal just not quite wrapping their head around death. Kind of the old Greek idea of endless life but with a cost, where despite a perfect body a little of you life is forgotten every year until you reach the point where reincarnation seems logical just because you keep seeing similar faces over and over again. That's a far more tragic story than this one, however, and I think that might be the crux of the problem. The story is trying to be funny, but it's cringe humour when it should be black or even just played straight.
I loved this story up until the ending, and then I hated it. It goes from clever and dramatic and interesting to very silly and dumb. I wish you had stayed serious. This is too interesting and emotional of an idea piece to waste on this kind of eye-rolling comedy. Currently it feels like two stories to me, and I don't like the second one at all.
I like the sound of the proverbs, but when I try to unravel their meaning wuffy head bang ow. So I'm not sure they're clear enough.
I like the sound of the proverbs, but when I try to unravel their meaning wuffy head bang ow. So I'm not sure they're clear enough.
Can't say I understand what that proverb in the beginning is supposed to mean. That aside, though, I love this story. Other people mentioned that they can't decide whether this is a comedy or a serious story. Well, personally I feel that it balances comedy and seriousness pretty well - at times it feels like something out of Discworld.
I literally can't help but chuckle every single time I read this part.
Anyway, one nagging question is: what's this all about Luna killing someone's husband? From the mention that he was a "guard" I get that he died in the line of duty and his widow lashed out at the princess herself.
For some reason I love this line. It lends an air of tragedy to the entire piece. It makes me feel of someone exasperated after years of caring for a cheerful patient with dementia.
“Time passed, and she died alone and miserable.”
“…So. The pain did go away.”
Pause. Frown. “Well, yes. Because she died. But—”
I literally can't help but chuckle every single time I read this part.
Anyway, one nagging question is: what's this all about Luna killing someone's husband? From the mention that he was a "guard" I get that he died in the line of duty and his widow lashed out at the princess herself.
“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”
For some reason I love this line. It lends an air of tragedy to the entire piece. It makes me feel of someone exasperated after years of caring for a cheerful patient with dementia.
This is a pretty decent fic you've written here. I like the idea of Luna not seeming to quite get the whole 'death thing' and the example provided to show it.
I think the biggest problem with the story is Luna's characterization. While she might be the 'ditzy' one of the two (if you can call it that), I don't think she'd wave away a direct accusation of murder, nor would she be ignorant of the idea of relatives who look like each other (though there could be a 'They really do all look alike...' joke if you wanted).
I think what might help is if the widow simply expressed her grief rather than making accusations (to one of the god-rulers of Equestria, with said ruler's even more powerful sister in attendance...seriously, that mare's crazy). Also, if you introduced the idea of reincarnation (with the idea that the couple in the latter segment really is the widow and her love reunited) and had Celestia simply think her sister's crazy, that would make Luna seem wise as opposed to just being nuts. (It would also be an extremely rare instance of the prompt actually being correct and positive.)
Thanks for sharing!
I think the biggest problem with the story is Luna's characterization. While she might be the 'ditzy' one of the two (if you can call it that), I don't think she'd wave away a direct accusation of murder, nor would she be ignorant of the idea of relatives who look like each other (though there could be a 'They really do all look alike...' joke if you wanted).
I think what might help is if the widow simply expressed her grief rather than making accusations (to one of the god-rulers of Equestria, with said ruler's even more powerful sister in attendance...seriously, that mare's crazy). Also, if you introduced the idea of reincarnation (with the idea that the couple in the latter segment really is the widow and her love reunited) and had Celestia simply think her sister's crazy, that would make Luna seem wise as opposed to just being nuts. (It would also be an extremely rare instance of the prompt actually being correct and positive.)
Thanks for sharing!
I was surprised to see how controversial this story was when I read the comments. Personally, I think the story is hilarious. I guess I can understand some of the arguments, but I really don't see how this can be read as anything but a comedy.
I'm sure this story isn't perfect and it could probably be improved, but right now, it is sitting very comfortably at the top of my slate.
(Admittedly, I've only read seven stories so far, but I will be surprised if this ends up getting knocked down more than one or two spots. I have now finished my slate, and this is still my favorite story by a mile.)
I'm sure this story isn't perfect and it could probably be improved, but right now, it is sitting very comfortably at the top of my slate.
(
This is a comedy.
Its amusing and solidly written, but I do have a bit of an issue with the crux of the joke being that Luna is literally just that fucking stupid. I mean, it kinda functions, but it is a really large thing to hang the entirety of the fic on.
Its amusing and solidly written, but I do have a bit of an issue with the crux of the joke being that Luna is literally just that fucking stupid. I mean, it kinda functions, but it is a really large thing to hang the entirety of the fic on.
Hmm... I'm not sure how to take this one. It's both seriously tragic, and yet full of what should be comedic elements. I can't say the mash up works for me, as it just generally makes me uncomfortable... but that IS an impact, and one which is probably intentional, so points for that.
So, I think what would help balance this story out a bit would be if the first section were shorter. It kinda goes around in circles as it is. Not terribly so, mind you, but it can safely be trimmed away without losing too much.
My big question here is, what did Princess Luna do that makes her to blame? If it were simply a guard dying in the line of duty, wouldn't both Princesses be to blame?
As a side note, one of the many things I enjoyed was how the timeskip was revealed. It's like,
My big question here is, what did Princess Luna do that makes her to blame? If it were simply a guard dying in the line of duty, wouldn't both Princesses be to blame?
As a side note, one of the many things I enjoyed was how the timeskip was revealed. It's like,
Celestia: "Luna, that was thousands of years ago."
Luna: "Really? Feels like just yesterday."
I wonder if CiG and Aragon tried emulating each other's style, and the result was this and The Art of Lingering. :o
I wrote such a short comment earlier >>Haze because I didn't think this would get into the finals. It didn't seem like anyone enjoyed it! It's very unlikely I'll change anyone's opinion at this point, but I thought I should try to explain my reaction.
I find it funny that people are divided on the flaws here, in multiple ways. It's only a comedy or only a serious piece. It's one inconsistent story, or two stories glued together. The story works so well for me because I see it as all of the above. Like one of those optical illusions where you either see a face or two vases. or is that the other way around? is Luna wise, or mad, or a little of both?
this interpretation is probably grounds for everyone to dismiss me as being just as mad as Luna. everyone cringe!
rather than a serious buildup leading to a cringey punchline, I found that this worked as two sides of the same coin. two stories that do work on their own, but when put together you have to look at it a little differently.
the only problem I have with it is that the two proverbs are a bit difficult to interpret because of the grammar used. "there is wisdom that is madness"... it almost seems like the first section is the serious wisdom part, but does that turn into madness when the woe (Luna's empathy) is taken out? or is it meant to seem like Madness on the surface, which reveals itself to be wisdom when looked at soberly? it's a little too vague, and makes both proverbs seem just about the same at the end, rather than a clever inversion.
I find it funny that people are divided on the flaws here, in multiple ways. It's only a comedy or only a serious piece. It's one inconsistent story, or two stories glued together. The story works so well for me because I see it as all of the above. Like one of those optical illusions where you either see a face or two vases. or is that the other way around? is Luna wise, or mad, or a little of both?
this interpretation is probably grounds for everyone to dismiss me as being just as mad as Luna. everyone cringe!
rather than a serious buildup leading to a cringey punchline, I found that this worked as two sides of the same coin. two stories that do work on their own, but when put together you have to look at it a little differently.
the only problem I have with it is that the two proverbs are a bit difficult to interpret because of the grammar used. "there is wisdom that is madness"... it almost seems like the first section is the serious wisdom part, but does that turn into madness when the woe (Luna's empathy) is taken out? or is it meant to seem like Madness on the surface, which reveals itself to be wisdom when looked at soberly? it's a little too vague, and makes both proverbs seem just about the same at the end, rather than a clever inversion.
Dude, you guys. You guys. This is a parody. It's a parody of alicorn-sibs-immortality-angstfic. The subject matter is ostensibly serious, but it's treated in a comic light. Luna's being melodramatic about something which Celestia has long ago coped with, and Celestia is completely exasperated by it. It's brilliant. And hilarious.
...Or that's how I read it, anyway.
We've got preenfic parody and immortalityfic parody; all we need is a wingfic parody and the trifecta will be complete.
...Or that's how I read it, anyway.
We've got preenfic parody and immortalityfic parody; all we need is a wingfic parody and the trifecta will be complete.
I won't be adding to the arguments that already exist. I'll just state that I support the 'this is not a joke fic' side of the argument.
And on that note, I liked it a lot.
And on that note, I liked it a lot.
This is a triumph.
Its a great success and solidly good for all of us (except the ones who are dead,) but I do have a bit of an issue with the crux of the test being that time Luna broke the widow's heart and killed her and tore her to pieces and threw every fucking piece into a fire. I mean, its kinda delicious and moist, but it is a really large lie to hang the entirety of the fic on.
Its a great success and solidly good for all of us (except the ones who are dead,) but I do have a bit of an issue with the crux of the test being that time Luna broke the widow's heart and killed her and tore her to pieces and threw every fucking piece into a fire. I mean, its kinda delicious and moist, but it is a really large lie to hang the entirety of the fic on.
And this, finally, is the actual critique (with apologies to AndrewRogue). This piece is flipping weird. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it a parody? Yes to all of the above. Does it WORK? ... nnnnoooomaybekinda but mostly no. The mixed signals are just way too distracting for me. It's close to being a great comedy, but not quite. It's close to being a great drama, but not quite. It... no, it pretty much is an effective parody, I'll give it that. Never not be resisting the unending hordes of Sad Sunbutt. But in ye struggle, beware, lest ye find yeself to have become that which ye struggle against.
Also, watch out lest ye become Harry Potter fanfic instead. I noticed that with a few other fics this round, actually, though didn't point it out in any until now. This is reallllly channeling a certain other Luna, though.
The proverbs didn't work for me. The rest... agh. I know it's an experiment and I wish I could point to certain things that did or did not work, but really, the best I can say is the overall interlock of comedy and drama tangled up and got in each other's ways. I do like the characterizations, and I'd love to read a version of this that was... better. How to make it better at the comedy/drama blend, that's beyond my skill level. Maybe go through and work on better signaling on what the reader should be feeling, line by line?
Anyway, this at least is the sort of writeoff experiment I can get behind. Not going to score well on my slate, but Cave would approve. Thanks for writing!
Also, watch out lest ye become Harry Potter fanfic instead. I noticed that with a few other fics this round, actually, though didn't point it out in any until now. This is reallllly channeling a certain other Luna, though.
The proverbs didn't work for me. The rest... agh. I know it's an experiment and I wish I could point to certain things that did or did not work, but really, the best I can say is the overall interlock of comedy and drama tangled up and got in each other's ways. I do like the characterizations, and I'd love to read a version of this that was... better. How to make it better at the comedy/drama blend, that's beyond my skill level. Maybe go through and work on better signaling on what the reader should be feeling, line by line?
Anyway, this at least is the sort of writeoff experiment I can get behind. Not going to score well on my slate, but Cave would approve. Thanks for writing!