Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
One Flew Over the Rock Farm
“Pinkie Pie? I dunno.”
“How do ya not know who Pinkie Pie is? Down the road, west a ways, with the big windmill. The pink one.”
“Oh yeeeeah. Makes sense.”
“Oh yeah duh, peabrain.”
“Blockhead.”
“Anyway, yeah, we don’t really know her. She come over to our house once or twice. Played with us in the field and stuff.”
“She don’t go to our school. I hear she got kicked out.”
“She’s home-schooled, numbskull. Her parents keep her locked up in their silo out back. I seen it. They only let her out to farm rocks.”
“Really? No wonder she’s all—hey, ow!”
“Be nice, knucklehead. Don’t you stick yer tongue out at me. Ma says yer face’ll stay that way. You’ll be an ugly little shrimp.”
“Yer uglier.”
“Shuddup, peabrain. Anyway, why d’ya ask? Did something happen?”
“We apologize for thy trouble.”
“Agreed. However, thou are most welcome here, as is thy husband if he should choose to pass by this way.”
“Thou are likely familiar with Pinkie Pie’s tendencies. She is overflowing with spirit and joy, but we believe it to be a blessing, and for that we cannot thank the stars enough.”
“However, she is…”
“She hath a strong… dependence on other ponies. She hath dramatic changes in disposition from time to time.”
“And this is normal, of course, as thou may see if thou and thy husband hath children. Hath thee any children? Ah. Then if thou ever do, then thou shall understand.”
“This is merely temporary, is what we intend to say, and ultimately trivial. Children can be this way.”
“We do thank thee for electing to care and house our daughter for the time being. We have no doubt she would enjoy residing in a confectionery store. However, this cannot continue indefinitely. She must return home.”
“Surely, thou must understand. Thou will, too, when thou hast children of thine own.”
“Who cares. She ran away. Didn’t like us. Never said it, never had to. She abandoned her twin sister. Her own twin sister!”
“Mm-hmm.”
“She abandoned us! Never liked her, anyway. She never liked us, we never liked her. She told dumb jokes. She laughed at us. Always laughing, all the time! Never liked her.”
“…”
“Sorry, ma’am, I’m sorry for yelling at you, but I don’t want to talk about her. Neither does Marble. C’mon, Marble.”
“Mm-hmm…”
“Yes, I know why she ran away. At least, I think so.
“There’s nopony like Pinkie Pie. Anyone who’s met her knows that. But that’s especially true around here. There’s not a lot of fillies here. They think she’s weird. They think I’m weird, too. The reason she wanted to run away and I don’t is that Pinkie cares.
“She just wants friends. That’s really it. Ponies to have fun with. Ponies to cheer up. Ponies to cheer her up when she’s down. I never needed that. I had Boulder.
“I understand why she left. It was still hard. I cried. I don’t cry, usually.”
…
“But as long as Pinkie is happy, then that’s all that matters. Is she happy? Good. Yes, that means she’s very happy. It’s easy to tell when she’s not.
“I think she should stay where she is, as long as you don’t mind. If not in Ponyville, then somewhere else. My parents will be difficult to convince. I’ll talk to them. It might take some time.
“You seem eager to take her in. It’s hard for me to tell. But if she’s still with you for this long, she must like you, and she must be happy there. I'm glad she found you.
“One more thing. If Pinkie stays with you, may I please have your address? I’d like to write to her. Thank you.”
“How do ya not know who Pinkie Pie is? Down the road, west a ways, with the big windmill. The pink one.”
“Oh yeeeeah. Makes sense.”
“Oh yeah duh, peabrain.”
“Blockhead.”
“Anyway, yeah, we don’t really know her. She come over to our house once or twice. Played with us in the field and stuff.”
“She don’t go to our school. I hear she got kicked out.”
“She’s home-schooled, numbskull. Her parents keep her locked up in their silo out back. I seen it. They only let her out to farm rocks.”
“Really? No wonder she’s all—hey, ow!”
“Be nice, knucklehead. Don’t you stick yer tongue out at me. Ma says yer face’ll stay that way. You’ll be an ugly little shrimp.”
“Yer uglier.”
“Shuddup, peabrain. Anyway, why d’ya ask? Did something happen?”
“We apologize for thy trouble.”
“Agreed. However, thou are most welcome here, as is thy husband if he should choose to pass by this way.”
“Thou are likely familiar with Pinkie Pie’s tendencies. She is overflowing with spirit and joy, but we believe it to be a blessing, and for that we cannot thank the stars enough.”
“However, she is…”
“She hath a strong… dependence on other ponies. She hath dramatic changes in disposition from time to time.”
“And this is normal, of course, as thou may see if thou and thy husband hath children. Hath thee any children? Ah. Then if thou ever do, then thou shall understand.”
“This is merely temporary, is what we intend to say, and ultimately trivial. Children can be this way.”
“We do thank thee for electing to care and house our daughter for the time being. We have no doubt she would enjoy residing in a confectionery store. However, this cannot continue indefinitely. She must return home.”
“Surely, thou must understand. Thou will, too, when thou hast children of thine own.”
“Who cares. She ran away. Didn’t like us. Never said it, never had to. She abandoned her twin sister. Her own twin sister!”
“Mm-hmm.”
“She abandoned us! Never liked her, anyway. She never liked us, we never liked her. She told dumb jokes. She laughed at us. Always laughing, all the time! Never liked her.”
“…”
“Sorry, ma’am, I’m sorry for yelling at you, but I don’t want to talk about her. Neither does Marble. C’mon, Marble.”
“Mm-hmm…”
“Yes, I know why she ran away. At least, I think so.
“There’s nopony like Pinkie Pie. Anyone who’s met her knows that. But that’s especially true around here. There’s not a lot of fillies here. They think she’s weird. They think I’m weird, too. The reason she wanted to run away and I don’t is that Pinkie cares.
“She just wants friends. That’s really it. Ponies to have fun with. Ponies to cheer up. Ponies to cheer her up when she’s down. I never needed that. I had Boulder.
“I understand why she left. It was still hard. I cried. I don’t cry, usually.”
…
“But as long as Pinkie is happy, then that’s all that matters. Is she happy? Good. Yes, that means she’s very happy. It’s easy to tell when she’s not.
“I think she should stay where she is, as long as you don’t mind. If not in Ponyville, then somewhere else. My parents will be difficult to convince. I’ll talk to them. It might take some time.
“You seem eager to take her in. It’s hard for me to tell. But if she’s still with you for this long, she must like you, and she must be happy there. I'm glad she found you.
“One more thing. If Pinkie stays with you, may I please have your address? I’d like to write to her. Thank you.”
Hmm... not quite sure what to make of this. I find the lack of dialog attribution frustrating. I know it's "clever" to make us work it out from the lines themselves, but I just prefer more traditional storytelling. Making me work for understanding even the basics like who is talking takes the fun out of reading.
That said, this holds up okay to me. It sketches in some details about Pinkie's early life, but doesn't really reveal anything we didn't already know. The prompt adherence is also kind of weak to me. Overall though, I'd say this is middle of the pack on my slate so far.
That said, this holds up okay to me. It sketches in some details about Pinkie's early life, but doesn't really reveal anything we didn't already know. The prompt adherence is also kind of weak to me. Overall though, I'd say this is middle of the pack on my slate so far.
This is an interesting look into Pinkie Pie's backstory. It takes some effort to figure out who's speaking; I kind of like the unattributed dialogue stylistically, but it needs more obvious hints to work in terms of flow. In particular, I'm still more inclined to (at first) reflexively attribute the Early Modern Equish in the second scene to early post-return Luna than to the Pie family, in the absence of a clear timeline. And who's speaking in the first scene? Is that the two settlers from the Smoky Mountains?
(The aforementioned EME feels a little off, by the way, but I don't feel up to examining it closely right now. I also don't remember how well the Pie family used it in "Hearthbreakers" itself, for that matter.)
The affectionate ending is very satisfying.
(The aforementioned EME feels a little off, by the way, but I don't feel up to examining it closely right now. I also don't remember how well the Pie family used it in "Hearthbreakers" itself, for that matter.)
The affectionate ending is very satisfying.
The beginning is a little confusing; at first I tried assigning the voices to canon characters and failed. On the whole, I quite like this story. It lets each member of the Pie family shine, and the ending is quite heartwarming, especially the mention of Maud actually crying.
I admire this story's attempt at establishing voice and characterization exclusively through dialogue, without tags or accompanying narration (I particularly admire the way it characterizes the POV character without once having her speak, or even identifying her. It's Mrs. Cake, and that's just incredibly moving to me.). I think, for the most part, it succeeds, and the story it tells is potent and moving.
It stumbles a little in its choice of which characters to include; it's not until Limestone and Marble show up that we get readily identifiable voices and individuals. Iggy and Big Mama Q are indistinguishable from one another, and I share >>Light_Striker's confusion regarding the first two characters.
Who I'm just gonna pretend are Aria and Sonata.
Out of the sixteen stories on my initial slate, though, this is sitting pretty at #2. So, clearly, those complaints didn't kill the experience for me. :P
It stumbles a little in its choice of which characters to include; it's not until Limestone and Marble show up that we get readily identifiable voices and individuals. Iggy and Big Mama Q are indistinguishable from one another, and I share >>Light_Striker's confusion regarding the first two characters.
Who I'm just gonna pretend are Aria and Sonata.
Out of the sixteen stories on my initial slate, though, this is sitting pretty at #2. So, clearly, those complaints didn't kill the experience for me. :P
I have to admit that I've got a bit of a personal bias against dialogue-only stuff, especially in minifics. It often feels to me like a gimmick to save words without any substantial advantages over traditional prose. And while this is competently executed, I can't quite shake off the feeling that it doesn't add anything to the story.
I really love the premise, and I think you're trying to say a lot about each of the characters, which is really commendable within the confines of a minific. But, like other reviewers have mentioned, it's difficult for the reader to orient themselves at the start. And I really couldn't help but feel like I wanted to read this story the way it could have been without the gimmick and word cap. I think it's important to the story that Ms. Cake have a more active role (she is deciding a large part of PInkie's future, after all), so having her present only in implication is a detraction, in my opinion.
Taking into consideration how much I liked the idea of this one and how I've got my own biases going in, I'm still probably going to rate this one at about the mid-tier, but from a purely personal perspective, the execution just didn't hang together for me.
I really love the premise, and I think you're trying to say a lot about each of the characters, which is really commendable within the confines of a minific. But, like other reviewers have mentioned, it's difficult for the reader to orient themselves at the start. And I really couldn't help but feel like I wanted to read this story the way it could have been without the gimmick and word cap. I think it's important to the story that Ms. Cake have a more active role (she is deciding a large part of PInkie's future, after all), so having her present only in implication is a detraction, in my opinion.
Taking into consideration how much I liked the idea of this one and how I've got my own biases going in, I'm still probably going to rate this one at about the mid-tier, but from a purely personal perspective, the execution just didn't hang together for me.
Crime/mystery is one of my favourite genres, and so I can be pretty sympathetic to narratives that encourage readers to dust off the ol' grey matter and puzzle stuff out. But here it doesn't seem necessary or relevant to the subject matter or the story you want to tell. As such, I found myself getting a little frustrated trying to piece together who said what, and attempting to link that content to form a set of consistent characterisation. Doubly so, in fact, because you actually have an intriguing premise and make strong inroads towards a piece exploring the impact of Pinkie's departure, and I was far too distracted with who said what to fully appreciate it.
I agree with the others that the ending is very sweet, and I applaud your ambitions with this fic, but it doesn't really do it for me in its current form, I'm afraid.
I agree with the others that the ending is very sweet, and I applaud your ambitions with this fic, but it doesn't really do it for me in its current form, I'm afraid.
I didn't mind the lack of dialogue tags, and I didn't find it hard to figure out who each character was. Unless the two in the first section were supposed to be anypony specific, and not just unspecified neighbors.
Maud's section was definitely the best.
I wonder about the title. It's probably a reference to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but it's been so long since I've seen that movie that I can't say if there's any connection there. Unless you're trying to say that Pinkie is insane, but I think that's a given.
Or if it's referring to the nursery rhyme that the book/movie was (apparently) named after, then I think it's a bit backwards. Pinkie is "flying" away from the Rock Farm, not to it. Unless Mrs. Cake is the "One" in this case. But then I have even less of an idea what it could mean.
Maud's section was definitely the best.
I wonder about the title. It's probably a reference to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but it's been so long since I've seen that movie that I can't say if there's any connection there. Unless you're trying to say that Pinkie is insane, but I think that's a given.
Or if it's referring to the nursery rhyme that the book/movie was (apparently) named after, then I think it's a bit backwards. Pinkie is "flying" away from the Rock Farm, not to it. Unless Mrs. Cake is the "One" in this case. But then I have even less of an idea what it could mean.
While I like the idea behind this (Pinkie's move to Ponyville when she was young and various ponies' reactions to it), this particular piece doesn't do a whole lot for me.
The lack of speech tags make it hard to figure out who is talking (One of the voices is obviously that of Pinkie's father and the last one is of Maud, but the rest of them?) and especially to whom they are talking (is it conversations between different ponies, or is everyone talking to a single individual?).
There's also the fact that it feels more like a group of related conversations rather than a cohesive narrative. There's no ramping up of tension or danger level, such as if it was the Cakes receiving increasingly vocal demands to send Pinkie home.
It's a good idea, it just needs more work. Thanks for sharing!
The lack of speech tags make it hard to figure out who is talking (One of the voices is obviously that of Pinkie's father and the last one is of Maud, but the rest of them?) and especially to whom they are talking (is it conversations between different ponies, or is everyone talking to a single individual?).
There's also the fact that it feels more like a group of related conversations rather than a cohesive narrative. There's no ramping up of tension or danger level, such as if it was the Cakes receiving increasingly vocal demands to send Pinkie home.
It's a good idea, it just needs more work. Thanks for sharing!
Seriously, when you do lack of dialogue tags, having similarly voiced characters in the same scene kinda makes it all bleed together since you don't really have breaks between the dialogue proper. Line breaks only get you so far, since you don't build any kind of barrier between one block of dialogue and another.
Once again, I'm not really sure I like the Maud voice here? It just doesn't sound quite right.
Otherwise cute idea and decently executed. I just think all dialogue isn't adding here.
Once again, I'm not really sure I like the Maud voice here? It just doesn't sound quite right.
Otherwise cute idea and decently executed. I just think all dialogue isn't adding here.
Limestone's hostility feels rather unwarranted. In Hearthbreakers, she doesn't seem to foster any resentment for Pinkie Pie. Limestone is certainly a... grumpy pony, but it doesn't feel like Pinkie is a particular target.
But let's allow that this is a filly lashing out. Claiming that Pinkie Pie "never liked them" also feels unsupported. In Cutie Mark Chronicles, Pinkie Pie goes through the trouble of throwing a party for her family (sisters included), and everypony has a great time together. This story almost certainly takes place after these events, given that Pinkie is described as "overflowing with spirit and joy".
In the end, it feels like Limestone has been characterized as hostile simply for the sake of being hostile. If she means the things she says, then it seems unjustified. And if she's just saying these things to mask how she truly feels, then it needs to be a bit more apparent. As it is, it feels pretty genuine.
But let's allow that this is a filly lashing out. Claiming that Pinkie Pie "never liked them" also feels unsupported. In Cutie Mark Chronicles, Pinkie Pie goes through the trouble of throwing a party for her family (sisters included), and everypony has a great time together. This story almost certainly takes place after these events, given that Pinkie is described as "overflowing with spirit and joy".
In the end, it feels like Limestone has been characterized as hostile simply for the sake of being hostile. If she means the things she says, then it seems unjustified. And if she's just saying these things to mask how she truly feels, then it needs to be a bit more apparent. As it is, it feels pretty genuine.
>>Xepher >>Light_Striker >>JudgeDeadd >>Posh >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Bachiavellian >>eusocialdragon >>AndrewRogue
You all pointed out the dialogue attribution problem, so thank you, I might not have realized this without feedback. :>
I was trying for a style with that. The feel I wanted to get for this is a mystery "interview" vibe, with someone going around and trying to find out what happened with Pinkie Pie. The "clues" to the mystery are the reasons she left (which didn't come through much at all x.x more on that later). Point is, I think the lack of said tags, while it makes for an "interview" style which I want to keep, were ultimately distracting. I'll fix this in the rewrite--adding said tags to remove confusion there.
Pinkie's parents talk and sound similar in the first place, so it's tough to differentiate them on dialogue alone... Plus, I kind of like them sounding similar--because it makes them sound like they're really on the same page in terms of how they feel about Pinkie Pie.
The mystery that I wanted to focus on was "why did Pinkie leave?", the answer to which is "she really didn't fit in there" (added to which that she ran away instead of moving out on good terms). It's kind of hinted at with the kids in the beginning (“Really? No wonder she’s all—hey, ow!” as well as the fact that she's only played with them once or twice), but I wanted more, like Pinkie's parents hinting that they believe something was wrong with her (which didn't come through at all--I even made it sound like they thought it was normal x_x) and Limestone thinking she was kind of weird and not funny (again, didn't really come through) but still hurt and feels abandoned because she left.
This is something I'll really work at in the rewrite--make her parents less understanding to how Pinkie is, make Limestone less angry (because I agree with you, >>Everyday, it seems uncharacteristically hostile, and that's a bad judgement call on my part), and I might even add a scene with a local parent who encourages her kids to stay away from Pinkie because [insert new reason or opinion].
Anyway, thank you all for your feedback again, I really appreciate it. :> I think it's pretty apparent this is going to need some more love and work, so on to editing I go!
Also >>The_Letter_J I was low on title ideas so I plagiarized the title of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest :x No real relation to the movie or the book, just a somewhat-ominous-but-still-not-too-heavy title that's still vague about exactly what's happening and still somewhat eye-catching. I think I'll be thinking of a new title. :P
You all pointed out the dialogue attribution problem, so thank you, I might not have realized this without feedback. :>
I was trying for a style with that. The feel I wanted to get for this is a mystery "interview" vibe, with someone going around and trying to find out what happened with Pinkie Pie. The "clues" to the mystery are the reasons she left (which didn't come through much at all x.x more on that later). Point is, I think the lack of said tags, while it makes for an "interview" style which I want to keep, were ultimately distracting. I'll fix this in the rewrite--adding said tags to remove confusion there.
Pinkie's parents talk and sound similar in the first place, so it's tough to differentiate them on dialogue alone... Plus, I kind of like them sounding similar--because it makes them sound like they're really on the same page in terms of how they feel about Pinkie Pie.
The mystery that I wanted to focus on was "why did Pinkie leave?", the answer to which is "she really didn't fit in there" (added to which that she ran away instead of moving out on good terms). It's kind of hinted at with the kids in the beginning (“Really? No wonder she’s all—hey, ow!” as well as the fact that she's only played with them once or twice), but I wanted more, like Pinkie's parents hinting that they believe something was wrong with her (which didn't come through at all--I even made it sound like they thought it was normal x_x) and Limestone thinking she was kind of weird and not funny (again, didn't really come through) but still hurt and feels abandoned because she left.
This is something I'll really work at in the rewrite--make her parents less understanding to how Pinkie is, make Limestone less angry (because I agree with you, >>Everyday, it seems uncharacteristically hostile, and that's a bad judgement call on my part), and I might even add a scene with a local parent who encourages her kids to stay away from Pinkie because [insert new reason or opinion].
Anyway, thank you all for your feedback again, I really appreciate it. :> I think it's pretty apparent this is going to need some more love and work, so on to editing I go!
Also >>The_Letter_J I was low on title ideas so I plagiarized the title of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest :x No real relation to the movie or the book, just a somewhat-ominous-but-still-not-too-heavy title that's still vague about exactly what's happening and still somewhat eye-catching. I think I'll be thinking of a new title. :P