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Celestia strode along the streets. She held her head up, looking at the sky, half-concerned, half-angered. Flat out through the busy boulevards of Canterlot she strode, oblivious to her wings and her magic, and the ponies who stood in her way hopped aside as she dashed past them. They looked confused, or rather frightened, and their gaze went from the sky to her white shape and back, as if silently asking her for a clue that would explain the situation. But she had no definite idea on the matter.
Sure, something was wrong with her sister. Because at ten AM, the Moon should’ve been lowered long ago, and the Sun should be shining instead. But no. The sky was dark, and the Moon hang stock-still overhead, stuck at about the three quarters of its heavenly path. No sign it would move on any time soon.
That didn’t bode well. Could her sister have…
Engrossed in her pondering, she reached the magnificent marmoreal stairs of Canterlot castle’s major entrance. She rushed up as guards bobbed low, stormed into the hall under the inquisitive eyes of the few ponies that stood here – more guards and a handful of visitors. In heavy silence she made her way across them. Their uneasy gazes followed her, until she vanished atop the lofty stairs that led to her sister’s private apartments.
A few turns and corridors, she reached her sister’s bedroom door. She stopped, sighed and pressed an ear against the door.
No audible sound.
She banged at the door. "Luna!” she yelled. “I know you’re here. Open that door, would you? Don’t make me beg.”
There was no response.
“Luna!” Celestia boomed again, and she hammered the door so hard the hinges almost went loose. “Come on! We need to talk!”
“Clear off!” Luna’s muffled voiced grated from inside. “Leave me alone.”
“Luna, if you don’t open that door in, say, ten seconds tops, I’m going to smash it and get in anyway!”
The lock clicked and the door cracked ajar. Celestia pushed it further open and stepped into the room. It was gloomy. The windows were wide open, and the sudden draft that hit Celestia bore the crispness of the prolonged night. On the far side, Luna sat at her desk, writing on a parchment to the guttering light of a burnt-out candle. She didn’t raise her head, not even ever-so-slightly.
“What are you doing?” Celestia asked, standing midway into the room.
"None of your business,” Luna snapped, her gaze still locked on the parchment. “You see? I’m here. I’m working. Happy now? Then bugger off!”
Celestia twitched. “Luna! It’s ten AM and you still haven’t lowered the Moon. Shall I remind you about your royal duty? All the city, and probably the land, is seething with unrest!”
“What?!” Luna flicked an eye at a nearby clock. “Oops!” She blushed. “Sorry, my bad…” She simpered, and her horn flashed. Out the window frames, Celestia took a glance of the diving Moon. “Done. You can raise the Sun now. Please, could you leave? I really need to finish this on the double.”
Celestia’s horn glowed in turn and lo!, shadows dissolved in the radiance of the morning Sun which flooded the room. The candle on Luna’s desk flickered a last time and went out.
“What kind of task is so captivating it makes you forget the hour and let the Moon tarry in the sky?” Celestia asked and risked a hoof ahead.
Luna sighed, raised her head and looked at her sister with weary, heavy-lidded eyes. “Can’t you see? I’m writing.”
“What do you write?”
Luna sighed again. “You never give up, right? I’m writing a story. I must finish before noon, and I barely squiggled down a few words. So please leave me alone that I may push ahead. Is that asking too much of you?”
“You’re writing a story? What for—”
“It’s for a contest called the Writeoff,” Luna cut short. “If you want to know more, go ride the organiser, Roger Dodger. Now, for the last time, please GO AWAY!”
“But—”
A blue magical aura wrapped itself around Celestia, who was unceremoniously shoved away across the room into the corridor. The entrance door slammed shut. The Sun princess found herself sprawling, tousled, on the tiled floor. She raised herself to all fours, shook her head, regained her composure, then trotted off, a smile on her face.
Sure, something was wrong with her sister. Because at ten AM, the Moon should’ve been lowered long ago, and the Sun should be shining instead. But no. The sky was dark, and the Moon hang stock-still overhead, stuck at about the three quarters of its heavenly path. No sign it would move on any time soon.
That didn’t bode well. Could her sister have…
Engrossed in her pondering, she reached the magnificent marmoreal stairs of Canterlot castle’s major entrance. She rushed up as guards bobbed low, stormed into the hall under the inquisitive eyes of the few ponies that stood here – more guards and a handful of visitors. In heavy silence she made her way across them. Their uneasy gazes followed her, until she vanished atop the lofty stairs that led to her sister’s private apartments.
A few turns and corridors, she reached her sister’s bedroom door. She stopped, sighed and pressed an ear against the door.
No audible sound.
She banged at the door. "Luna!” she yelled. “I know you’re here. Open that door, would you? Don’t make me beg.”
There was no response.
“Luna!” Celestia boomed again, and she hammered the door so hard the hinges almost went loose. “Come on! We need to talk!”
“Clear off!” Luna’s muffled voiced grated from inside. “Leave me alone.”
“Luna, if you don’t open that door in, say, ten seconds tops, I’m going to smash it and get in anyway!”
The lock clicked and the door cracked ajar. Celestia pushed it further open and stepped into the room. It was gloomy. The windows were wide open, and the sudden draft that hit Celestia bore the crispness of the prolonged night. On the far side, Luna sat at her desk, writing on a parchment to the guttering light of a burnt-out candle. She didn’t raise her head, not even ever-so-slightly.
“What are you doing?” Celestia asked, standing midway into the room.
"None of your business,” Luna snapped, her gaze still locked on the parchment. “You see? I’m here. I’m working. Happy now? Then bugger off!”
Celestia twitched. “Luna! It’s ten AM and you still haven’t lowered the Moon. Shall I remind you about your royal duty? All the city, and probably the land, is seething with unrest!”
“What?!” Luna flicked an eye at a nearby clock. “Oops!” She blushed. “Sorry, my bad…” She simpered, and her horn flashed. Out the window frames, Celestia took a glance of the diving Moon. “Done. You can raise the Sun now. Please, could you leave? I really need to finish this on the double.”
Celestia’s horn glowed in turn and lo!, shadows dissolved in the radiance of the morning Sun which flooded the room. The candle on Luna’s desk flickered a last time and went out.
“What kind of task is so captivating it makes you forget the hour and let the Moon tarry in the sky?” Celestia asked and risked a hoof ahead.
Luna sighed, raised her head and looked at her sister with weary, heavy-lidded eyes. “Can’t you see? I’m writing.”
“What do you write?”
Luna sighed again. “You never give up, right? I’m writing a story. I must finish before noon, and I barely squiggled down a few words. So please leave me alone that I may push ahead. Is that asking too much of you?”
“You’re writing a story? What for—”
“It’s for a contest called the Writeoff,” Luna cut short. “If you want to know more, go ride the organiser, Roger Dodger. Now, for the last time, please GO AWAY!”
“But—”
A blue magical aura wrapped itself around Celestia, who was unceremoniously shoved away across the room into the corridor. The entrance door slammed shut. The Sun princess found herself sprawling, tousled, on the tiled floor. She raised herself to all fours, shook her head, regained her composure, then trotted off, a smile on her face.
(To be read in the voice of David Draiman from Disturbed:)
All right, my pony sisters and brothers! Are you ready to join me for 24 hours of fighting for those sweet, sweet Horse Points?! Writeoff people, let me hear you scream!
All right, my pony sisters and brothers! Are you ready to join me for 24 hours of fighting for those sweet, sweet Horse Points?! Writeoff people, let me hear you scream!
Considering that I have a museum to visit and a plane to catch late in the evening, I hypoteticaly might not be able to enter this round.
Who am I kidding, of course I'll be there. As usual, don't expect much.
Who am I kidding, of course I'll be there. As usual, don't expect much.
>>Monokeras
I may actually try this. I set up windows dictation on my computer the other day, and its... passable. :/ Not much compared to touch typing, but better than hunt and peck. 700 words, it might just cut it.
I may actually try this. I set up windows dictation on my computer the other day, and its... passable. :/ Not much compared to touch typing, but better than hunt and peck. 700 words, it might just cut it.
Through The Looking Glass, Best of Both Worlds. Shall We Indulge in Rishathra? From the Top, Pants, Nothing Left To Lose... ‘Ot! Hold Your Horses! Twice the Fun, Double the Cake–Have Your Cake and Eat It Too!
Old Good Friends, Perfect Chemistry, Serendipity, The Right Stuff. Now I Am Become Harmony, Uniter of Worlds. You Can’t Touch This, Sad Sunbutt, My Hero.
A Confederacy of Dunces Leading the Charge, Together The Battles Are Won. On Your Marks… Disqualified! That Pony Is Dead. Pinkie Pie isn’t Allowed Firearms Anymore. I’ve Made a Huge Mistake. Unintended Consequences. Shattered, Bone-Hurting Juice. Car(t) Wash!
It’s a Figure of Speech. Never an Honest Word. White Lies, Latest Version of the Truth, Letting the Cat out of the Bag. That Prompt You Really Wanted to Win Last Time, The Shape of Things to Come. Heartbreak, Replacement Parts. May You Find Your Worth in the Waking World.
Pushing the Limit… The End?
TBD.
Old Good Friends, Perfect Chemistry, Serendipity, The Right Stuff. Now I Am Become Harmony, Uniter of Worlds. You Can’t Touch This, Sad Sunbutt, My Hero.
A Confederacy of Dunces Leading the Charge, Together The Battles Are Won. On Your Marks… Disqualified! That Pony Is Dead. Pinkie Pie isn’t Allowed Firearms Anymore. I’ve Made a Huge Mistake. Unintended Consequences. Shattered, Bone-Hurting Juice. Car(t) Wash!
It’s a Figure of Speech. Never an Honest Word. White Lies, Latest Version of the Truth, Letting the Cat out of the Bag. That Prompt You Really Wanted to Win Last Time, The Shape of Things to Come. Heartbreak, Replacement Parts. May You Find Your Worth in the Waking World.
Pushing the Limit… The End?
TBD.
>>Not_A_Hat
Just call your story "Twilight Sparkle Tries to Use a Keyboard" and you'll be good.
Just call your story "Twilight Sparkle Tries to Use a Keyboard" and you'll be good.
*checks out options*
*nods*
We are born of the prompts, made men by the prompts, undone by the prompts; Fear the Ot prompts.
*nods*
We are born of the prompts, made men by the prompts, undone by the prompts; Fear the Ot prompts.
Ot
Guys it's been two years. There are human beings old enough to talk that are younger than this meme. When will you monsters let it die? D:
>>Fenton
I hope you have a big and solid net. Compared to butterflies, planes tend to be both heavier AND faster, meaning if your mesh is too light, they’ll rip it and escape.
>>Not_A_Hat
That’s because your accent is weird, even to the machines.
(I’m joshing. I usually understand you perfectly well, which is a tour de force given my limited abilities.)
a plane to catch
I hope you have a big and solid net. Compared to butterflies, planes tend to be both heavier AND faster, meaning if your mesh is too light, they’ll rip it and escape.
>>Not_A_Hat
That’s because your accent is weird, even to the machines.
(I’m joshing. I usually understand you perfectly well, which is a tour de force given my limited abilities.)
>>Bachiavellian This is a meme?!
I thought it was just, like... a phoneme, or something... like we'd get a bunch of linguistic entries.
Sorta like Putri Jaran, with less imperialism and more phonetics.
I thought it was just, like... a phoneme, or something... like we'd get a bunch of linguistic entries.
Sorta like Putri Jaran, with less imperialism and more phonetics.
We were talking about prompts in discord a bit, and I decided to post some longer, more complex ones. More limits can be good for creativity; if the designated prompt isn't doing anything for you, add another prompt. Hell, add two. Arbitrary restrictions are still good. Just trying to reconcile them can be intriguing.
These are mostly chapter titles from a story called "The New York Magician" on Everything2.com. Check it out if you like urban fantasy.
Weak and desperate from decades of commuting the djinn would barter all for coffee and a friendly ear
Old Country migratory observation with familial duty
Lost and Found in Gunfight Metaphor
I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back
A thousand winding stairs lead down before us
Making islands to have new seashores
Gas pressure disequilibrium among the urban rejecta
So there is death in my voice; what of it?
every statue in town came to life, but they'd been watching long enough to know better than to ever move
There was a man who lived a life of fire
Death may be the only goal you ever achieve
if one of us should flicker and vanish, mid-drag, don't bat an eye. claim a spot on the curb and never give an inch.
Deal with the flames on their terms or yours
The bullets sang softly in their strait prison of steel and brass
the power failure is a sudden sea. the wail of the tornado siren thrashes in the slack of the sail.
To all that fortune, death, and danger dare, even for an eggshell
Fugitive within a prison of flesh and bone
Know the mute by finding their storyteller
These are mostly chapter titles from a story called "The New York Magician" on Everything2.com. Check it out if you like urban fantasy.
>>CoffeeMinion
I already regret my part in proposing TBD, if only because it brought the return of Ot.
also no I don't buck you all
I already regret my part in proposing TBD, if only because it brought the return of Ot.
also no I don't buck you all
Hmm... TBD...
That could be interpreted in whatever acronym the author feels like using right?
To Be Determined
To Be Derpy
To Buy Diamonds
Terrible Big Dragon
The Bidding Demon
Treats By DiamondDogs
Tumbling Bumbling Dr.Whooves
Tired Boring Demigods
Hmm... Could be fun :)
That could be interpreted in whatever acronym the author feels like using right?
To Be Determined
To Be Derpy
To Buy Diamonds
Terrible Big Dragon
The Bidding Demon
Treats By DiamondDogs
Tumbling Bumbling Dr.Whooves
Tired Boring Demigods
Hmm... Could be fun :)
What I find most hilarious is that the winning prompt tied with "Unintended Consequences".
(And that I voted for both. And none of the 13-vote getters. I regret nothing. :trollestia:)
(And that I voted for both. And none of the 13-vote getters. I regret nothing. :trollestia:)
>>Chinchillax
Well, we can all try to explore all the variations of what it means for a character, or destiny, to be determined…
Or we can just do what we want and have fun. I’m taking the latter course. :)
Well, we can all try to explore all the variations of what it means for a character, or destiny, to be determined…
Or we can just do what we want and have fun. I’m taking the latter course. :)
>>horizon
I'm not sure whether the tiebreaker was alphabetical or time-dependent. I trust Roger to be nearly as anal-retentive about details as I am, so it's probably the latter.
This is why it is so important to submit your retarded prompt as early as possible, ponies.
I'm not sure whether the tiebreaker was alphabetical or time-dependent. I trust Roger to be nearly as anal-retentive about details as I am, so it's probably the latter.
This is why it is so important to submit your retarded prompt as early as possible, ponies.
* le writes initial draft *
* le word count = 1332 *
* FFFFFFfffffff.... *
On a more serious note, I'm debating trying for two here. I've limited myself to one submission since early last year when a couple of lackluster stories resulted in me losing Horse Points for my trouble in writing them. I dunno though, this prompt is working for me.
Well, I'll be damned. I actually came up with something. Now let's see if I can turn it into a decent story.
I wish the best for everyone, have fun!
I wish the best for everyone, have fun!
>>Trick_Question
In this case, it might also be that titling the contest was more involved for one entry than the other.
In this case, it might also be that titling the contest was more involved for one entry than the other.
I actually just submitted something for this round! It may wind up in the 'it sounded better when I was writing it' category, but...we'll see what happens. Good luck to everyone else!
It's in. Written and edited in one hour and half, because of plane catching. I sometimes impress myself. However, I don't expect you to be impressed. Not at all.
>>Monokeras
It really is time that I come back to France. Your situation is getting worse. Don't worry, I'll be there.
>>Monokeras
It really is time that I come back to France. Your situation is getting worse. Don't worry, I'll be there.
>>Caliaponia
I'm not sure what OHHH n/m I get it now. Whew. My poor parser. :derpytongue2:
I'm not sure what OHHH n/m I get it now. Whew. My poor parser. :derpytongue2:
So I popped in before bed to see what the prompt was, saw "TBD," figured I was early, and then wandered off. Come back this afternoon, half my time gone, to see that was the prompt. Not sure who entered it, but I'm tentatively blaming Majin. I have a funeral out of town to go to, so we'll see how this all shakes out for me.
>>Hivemind
Welcome to the party!
>>Hivemind
Welcome to the party!
>>Trick_Question
According to Roger, if there's a tie between multiple prompts all receiving the most votes, the winning prompt is chosen at random from between them.
According to Roger, if there's a tie between multiple prompts all receiving the most votes, the winning prompt is chosen at random from between them.
Welp, >>Caliaponia and I just met in Sacramento to hang out with a fellow hoerswords author for the day, and are settling in at a coffee shop for some dedicated Writeoff writing time. I guess I'm getting an entry in this round after all!
>>Posh >>horizon
... Oh, heck with it.
https://discord.gg/4RY8Pg
(#coffeehorse on the drunkwriting server)
I've got about 2 1/2 hours before heading out to a healthcare rally at the capitol. I'll be writing till then but I can answer questions. We'll see if I can talk Caliaponia into it too. <.<
Edited to add: Live-coffee-housing stream is happening and is bizarrely entertaining. There have been such thrilling developments as: questions being asked and answered; me hiding something in Caliaponia's backpack when he went to the bathroom; and now me taking a livestream vote on what drink to get next!
ETA^2: what am i doing with my life
ETA^3: >>Posh if you miss this event after prodding us to do it in the first place I am going to be so salty you could serve me to cows
ETA^4: A dude started playing live music half an hour ago and apparently Cal and I accidentally stumbled across some cool acoustic guitarist's album release concert (it's two days old, and since he's been on a train from Colorado for the past day this is the first time he's played since it went live), in this middle of nowhere coffeeshop with half a dozen people listening. Somehow this became an actual thing worth liveblogging? Posh, what is this magic?!
... Oh, heck with it.
https://discord.gg/4RY8Pg
(#coffeehorse on the drunkwriting server)
I've got about 2 1/2 hours before heading out to a healthcare rally at the capitol. I'll be writing till then but I can answer questions. We'll see if I can talk Caliaponia into it too. <.<
Edited to add: Live-coffee-housing stream is happening and is bizarrely entertaining. There have been such thrilling developments as: questions being asked and answered; me hiding something in Caliaponia's backpack when he went to the bathroom; and now me taking a livestream vote on what drink to get next!
ETA^2: what am i doing with my life
ETA^3: >>Posh if you miss this event after prodding us to do it in the first place I am going to be so salty you could serve me to cows
ETA^4: A dude started playing live music half an hour ago and apparently Cal and I accidentally stumbled across some cool acoustic guitarist's album release concert (it's two days old, and since he's been on a train from Colorado for the past day this is the first time he's played since it went live), in this middle of nowhere coffeeshop with half a dozen people listening. Somehow this became an actual thing worth liveblogging? Posh, what is this magic?!
Well, between the fact that my mother gave me a surprise visit, I was working on my panels for BronyCon all day, and I'm still not fully packed to move out of my dormitory, I doubt that I'll be able to make something for this deadline. :P
I'll be sure to check out everybody else's entries though.
I'll be sure to check out everybody else's entries though.
Dear story, please stop fighting me. You'll be happier at 750 words instead of 1300. Trust me. D:
Guess who finally decided to stop being an incessantly procrastinating loser who leaves half-finished everything he tries?
Not me. I just threw together a few hundred words that may or may not tell a coherent story.
Not me. I just threw together a few hundred words that may or may not tell a coherent story.
>>CoffeeMinion
Story has beenbeaten into submission lovingly massaged down into the prescribed space. You know that feeling when you submit a thing that's destined for last place? Yeah... best not to try for a second and utterly stink things up.
>>007Ben
A challenger for last place? FIGHT ME :-P
Story has been
>>007Ben
A challenger for last place? FIGHT ME :-P
You guys are a bunch of overachievers with your multiple entries per round, and I'm here like "yuss, I coughed up a minific with six hours before the deadline."
Quite a good day as well. The fic is finally done and in, and I had a nice visit with horizon, during which I was definitely not replaced by a changeling infiltrator.
I had several good ideas, worked on them, then was chained to the floor by depression and lost pretty much the entire day.
I woke up this morning, waited until less than an hour before submission deadline, and wrote something different. Very different. I submitted it, with a few seconds to spare even.
I have no idea what is going on inside my head, but I'm going back to sleep.
I woke up this morning, waited until less than an hour before submission deadline, and wrote something different. Very different. I submitted it, with a few seconds to spare even.
I have no idea what is going on inside my head, but I'm going back to sleep.
>>Rao
It wasI me.
I didn't actually think about it tripping anypony up like that. I was only thinking about how amusing it would look the following contest when there are two TBD in a row.
It was
I didn't actually think about it tripping anypony up like that. I was only thinking about how amusing it would look the following contest when there are two TBD in a row.
Yeah, you say that now, but just wait until the foals come and you'll be happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
This was really nice, and I only wished it could have gone a bit deeper into Granny's feelings rather than just a superficial glance that gets solved by the end of the story. But still, this was a quite entertaining.
This was really nice, and I only wished it could have gone a bit deeper into Granny's feelings rather than just a superficial glance that gets solved by the end of the story. But still, this was a quite entertaining.
>>Trick_Question
Troll prompts have a long and storied tradition in the writeoff. Title Drop got its name after people complained about too many title/prompt drops in the previous round.
We're all monsters.
Troll prompts have a long and storied tradition in the writeoff. Title Drop got its name after people complained about too many title/prompt drops in the previous round.
We're all monsters.
There are nice descriptions, fascinating details, and interesting worldbuilding in your block of run-on text, but a block of run-on text it remains, and that fact kept distracting me all the way through. And all in service of a simple joke telegraphed by the title. I will give you some points for the clever language, Author, but I know you can do better than this.
Hayseeds. I completely forgot about this until just now because yesterday was so busy. Blugh
Stars above, ponies. It's been like a whole three hours and I only have zero and/or one review on my story. Pick up the slack already. :ajbemused:
And I'm starting with the wackiest title on my slate because it sounds fun!
Genre: Very long joke setup
Thoughts: You know what, the ending made me laugh, which I'm pretty sure was most of the point here. I felt a little less sure about whether it worked for the narrative to rely on the comic in the middle, but I see it was in service to the end, so I can go with it. Points for the Sudden callout to issue #46!, which felt very genre-appropriate.
I guess my biggest quibble (pants) is that paragraphs 1-7 contain absolutely nothing to confirm that the setting of the framing story is also rooted in Pony. It's not a problem either way, but the ambiguity of it makes for a rough start.
Tier: Needs Work
Genre: Very long joke setup
Thoughts: You know what, the ending made me laugh, which I'm pretty sure was most of the point here. I felt a little less sure about whether it worked for the narrative to rely on the comic in the middle, but I see it was in service to the end, so I can go with it. Points for the Sudden callout to issue #46!, which felt very genre-appropriate.
I guess my biggest quibble (pants) is that paragraphs 1-7 contain absolutely nothing to confirm that the setting of the framing story is also rooted in Pony. It's not a problem either way, but the ambiguity of it makes for a rough start.
Tier: Needs Work
This is a pleasant romp of amusing randomness, and I admire the Author's taste in quotes so much that I wonder if it is appropriate for me to abstain. :) I will upper-tier this one.
>>TitaniumDragon
Ah, but I'm the biggest monster because mine actually won. :facehoof:
Ah, but I'm the biggest monster because mine actually won. :facehoof:
Hardly anyone dies at flight camp.
Ah, yes. One of those delightful phrases which sounds innocent enough at first until you actually think about what it means, like: "Yeah, that growth looks harmless enough." or "I'm sure there won't be permanent damages".
Anyway. I like the idea you have here. Bullying someone to the point they fight back, and the crime is never discovered.
I like it, but I feel this needs some polish. The chase scene feels a bit disconnected, you could do a better job of getting the reader to feel Windy's fear, to make his anxiety come through.
Stuff like this: "His right wing screamed in agony, and Windy knew flying any more would be impossible."
That's great, give us more details about how he's feeling. Short of breath? Hyperventilating? Tears don't let him see clearly? Go beyond simply telling us his actions and it'll be easier for the reader to sympathise with him and better understand his motivations for when he does what he later does.
All in all, not bad, but far from great.
CelestAI had conquered the Earth
That's certainly a way to start a story. I assume you chose this setting because it is easier to explain an adult in a child's body revelling in their fetishes than actually exploring what would be for a filly to have those desires.
Genius concept or lazy excuse? I won't judge. I'll just say this was an entertaining read which could have benefitted from a bit of editing. Keep the setting with CelestAI to the absolute minimun necessary and focus on the stallion following Spring Purity.
Other than that, you get a thumbs up and a chuckle from me.
Twily, I think you're overlooking a very obvious possibility. Just explore the universe and spread the Magic of Friendship across the universe. Just the logistics of intergalactic travel are sure to take you a few centuries.
But I won't deny that going through parallel universes is a good idea. Sadly this story just explores that concept superficially and tacks a crossover at the end, which is a real pity. I imagine there wasn't much you could do within the limits of the writeoff, but I would have liked to see a more rounded up execution.
But I won't deny that going through parallel universes is a good idea. Sadly this story just explores that concept superficially and tacks a crossover at the end, which is a real pity. I imagine there wasn't much you could do within the limits of the writeoff, but I would have liked to see a more rounded up execution.
See, I want to give you the last place in my slot just because you reminded me I'm never going to have a family with a pony. But I'm normally not that petty, so I'll let it slide this time.
This was a very nice vignette, not sure what the 2nd person format added to the story, but I didn't mind. I wished we could have spent more time on the resolution, though. Yeah, their friends will need some time getting used to this, but I feel we needed more to better round up the story. Right now it ends with a simple "Why worry?" and I feel you could have done more.
Also, and this is just a matter of curiosity, why a centaur and not a satyr?
This was a very nice vignette, not sure what the 2nd person format added to the story, but I didn't mind. I wished we could have spent more time on the resolution, though. Yeah, their friends will need some time getting used to this, but I feel we needed more to better round up the story. Right now it ends with a simple "Why worry?" and I feel you could have done more.
Also, and this is just a matter of curiosity, why a centaur and not a satyr?
Flim and Flam's Fabulous Fidget Flanges
Knowing Hasbro, it's only a matter of time before this is canon. You've doomed us all!
Silly, questionably canon, but I liked it.
Genre: Random / comedy / crossover(?)
Thoughts: Oh how the midsection hooked me. I mean, yeah, it's a little derivative of its source material, but it struck me as well-executed absurdity with a soupçon of the madcap.
I'm going to be honest: I didn't feel like the ending lived up to the same level of referential craziness, which was a pretty big downer. I can see the effort being made, but there's just something about the last line that really doesn't stick the landing for me. Not quite sure that I can put my finger on it, though.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Oh how the midsection hooked me. I mean, yeah, it's a little derivative of its source material, but it struck me as well-executed absurdity with a soupçon of the madcap.
I'm going to be honest: I didn't feel like the ending lived up to the same level of referential craziness, which was a pretty big downer. I can see the effort being made, but there's just something about the last line that really doesn't stick the landing for me. Not quite sure that I can put my finger on it, though.
Tier: Almost There
I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
This feels like this is trying to be a comedy. However, I didn't really find myself laughing? The overblown tone of the whole thing, the spelling bee being a actual bee, the spelling poison, Twilight not remembering to write a letter, all of these are ridiculous ideas that could have been turned into jokes, but don't ever seem to really crystallize into something like a punch line.
In the end, I'm not really sure what to make of this piece. I feel like it's trying to be something, but I'm not really sure if it's missing the point or if I am.
This feels like this is trying to be a comedy. However, I didn't really find myself laughing? The overblown tone of the whole thing, the spelling bee being a actual bee, the spelling poison, Twilight not remembering to write a letter, all of these are ridiculous ideas that could have been turned into jokes, but don't ever seem to really crystallize into something like a punch line.
In the end, I'm not really sure what to make of this piece. I feel like it's trying to be something, but I'm not really sure if it's missing the point or if I am.
I appreciate all the touches of real-life character, like the setting and the french, etc. The main problem I run into is the core conceit is meant to be shocking and intriguing, but it's mostly none of those things. Some of that is unavoidable; given the context we know this is gonna relate to ponies somehow, and it's sci-fi-ish, so the thought of aliens isn't really as surprising to the reader as it is to the characters.
But it also feels pretty inauthentic. The brief bit about Sirius as a triple star is nice and helps confirm that there's something going on here, but... Just because there are pictures of ponies and a canoe doesn't really give any reason to jump to aliens. All sorts of ancient civilizations anthropomorphised animals or natural forces, and we don't take those at face value (unless you're the ancient aliens guy what with the hair and all). I think you need a few more tweaks to make that actually land. Maybe finding like one of Celestia's hoof shoe things or something else beyond just a cave painting would help?
But it also feels pretty inauthentic. The brief bit about Sirius as a triple star is nice and helps confirm that there's something going on here, but... Just because there are pictures of ponies and a canoe doesn't really give any reason to jump to aliens. All sorts of ancient civilizations anthropomorphised animals or natural forces, and we don't take those at face value (unless you're the ancient aliens guy what with the hair and all). I think you need a few more tweaks to make that actually land. Maybe finding like one of Celestia's hoof shoe things or something else beyond just a cave painting would help?
I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
I think I like this, but it feels very bare-bones. That's possibly because a fair amount of words go into setting up this time loop idea? If fewer words were used for that, the background and motivations of the characters could be fleshed out a bit more, possibly. That might be helpful, because as it is now, I'm not really feeling the emotional impact of Twilight's realizations here. I have some idea what happened to her, but I'm not really sure what she feels about it, or why she feels that way.
I like the concepts here, but I feel like the emotional arc is just too stunted for me to be really impressed by it. Still, good work, thanks for writing!
I think I like this, but it feels very bare-bones. That's possibly because a fair amount of words go into setting up this time loop idea? If fewer words were used for that, the background and motivations of the characters could be fleshed out a bit more, possibly. That might be helpful, because as it is now, I'm not really feeling the emotional impact of Twilight's realizations here. I have some idea what happened to her, but I'm not really sure what she feels about it, or why she feels that way.
I like the concepts here, but I feel like the emotional arc is just too stunted for me to be really impressed by it. Still, good work, thanks for writing!
I like the core idea here a lot, but some of the execution swings so wildly in tone that it makes it a little hard to not get lost along the way. Maybe that's good in a writeoff though? Better to be obvious than subtle, etc. But still, Cheerilee is so burnt out at the beginning that she verges on being unpleasant rather than sympathetic. I think you need her to be frustrated and unfulfilled but not like actively misanthropic.
The Scootaloo letter part is the best, but it's so saccharine that it really feels jarring given how you've started the story--the beginning is so cynical that it's harder for the reader to accept Scootaloo's words at face value and not look at them in a jaded way too. I think if you were to lean in either direction more, your story would be more cohesive: actually make this a dark piece, or cut back on Cheerilee's cynicism. As it is, it's more of two good half-stories that are working against one another.
(I still liked this more than I thought I would at first though)
The Scootaloo letter part is the best, but it's so saccharine that it really feels jarring given how you've started the story--the beginning is so cynical that it's harder for the reader to accept Scootaloo's words at face value and not look at them in a jaded way too. I think if you were to lean in either direction more, your story would be more cohesive: actually make this a dark piece, or cut back on Cheerilee's cynicism. As it is, it's more of two good half-stories that are working against one another.
(I still liked this more than I thought I would at first though)
This is really cute. And dumb, but in a good way. I don't know that I have much to say about it... I thought it accomplished its goals well.
I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
So, I think this is Fluttershy, talking to Rarity, about Flutterbat? Mostly because of some specific phrases (draining away the apples, give up your tail for a sea serpent), and the first few lines. It has some rhyming, like a poem, but it doesn't seem to be metered. Overall it's rather obscure, with some odd imagery. What's with the "slither" thing?
In the end, I had to read it several times to get any idea of what was going on, and even now I've built my conjectures mostly on fragments and pieces. I don't usually like things that are this vague. At least the second-person kinda sorta worked for me, possibly because the poetry elements suggested this was addressed to a more general audience?
I think there's a certain type of person who might really enjoy this sort of story. Maybe quill scratch? :P Still, thanks for writing.
So, I think this is Fluttershy, talking to Rarity, about Flutterbat? Mostly because of some specific phrases (draining away the apples, give up your tail for a sea serpent), and the first few lines. It has some rhyming, like a poem, but it doesn't seem to be metered. Overall it's rather obscure, with some odd imagery. What's with the "slither" thing?
In the end, I had to read it several times to get any idea of what was going on, and even now I've built my conjectures mostly on fragments and pieces. I don't usually like things that are this vague. At least the second-person kinda sorta worked for me, possibly because the poetry elements suggested this was addressed to a more general audience?
I think there's a certain type of person who might really enjoy this sort of story. Maybe quill scratch? :P Still, thanks for writing.
I want to believe Twilight is just stuck living in reruns of Season one.
I digress, this is a neat concept. It would have been nice to get a little more info on whomever caused this isolated time loop, however, I believe it works well enough... as a jumping point. As is usual with minifics, this feels as though it wishes to exist beyond these 750 words.
So... I liked this, I wish we got a bit more meat, but I'm ultimately left wanting more.
The interactions between Derpy and Twilight were nice, though, I'll give you that.
I digress, this is a neat concept. It would have been nice to get a little more info on whomever caused this isolated time loop, however, I believe it works well enough... as a jumping point. As is usual with minifics, this feels as though it wishes to exist beyond these 750 words.
So... I liked this, I wish we got a bit more meat, but I'm ultimately left wanting more.
The interactions between Derpy and Twilight were nice, though, I'll give you that.
I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
… Poetry, huh? All right. This seems passable to me, as a poem. I don't have the energy, or inclination, to go through and check your meter, but nothing really jumped out to me as awful. The same was mostly true for your rhymes, too, although "feign" did seem a little weak to me.
Other than that, my biggest complaint is that nothing really changes or progresses; it's mostly just Spike repeating the same sentiment. Which works a little bit, because that's definitely how poems have been written in the past, but it just feels a lot less satisfying to me than something with an actual arc.
Maybe that's unfair of me? Some people have told me in the past that I shouldn't judge poems like I do stories, but I just can't help it. Still, thanks for writing.
… Poetry, huh? All right. This seems passable to me, as a poem. I don't have the energy, or inclination, to go through and check your meter, but nothing really jumped out to me as awful. The same was mostly true for your rhymes, too, although "feign" did seem a little weak to me.
Other than that, my biggest complaint is that nothing really changes or progresses; it's mostly just Spike repeating the same sentiment. Which works a little bit, because that's definitely how poems have been written in the past, but it just feels a lot less satisfying to me than something with an actual arc.
Maybe that's unfair of me? Some people have told me in the past that I shouldn't judge poems like I do stories, but I just can't help it. Still, thanks for writing.
I want to thank you.
It's been quite a while since I've actually laughed outloud. Well, it was technically more of a series of short guffaws at each of the cake names, but you get my point.
Anyway, this is a prime example of a slice of life that is well done. You have a simple premise (Pinkie compares her firends to cakes) and you execute it excellently. No high stakes, no drama, no last minute twists. Just a solid story with a nice theme and leaves me with a grin.
I'm definitely giving this a high spot.
Also, I want it to be noted that I avoided a cheap slice/cake joke.
It's been quite a while since I've actually laughed outloud. Well, it was technically more of a series of short guffaws at each of the cake names, but you get my point.
Anyway, this is a prime example of a slice of life that is well done. You have a simple premise (Pinkie compares her firends to cakes) and you execute it excellently. No high stakes, no drama, no last minute twists. Just a solid story with a nice theme and leaves me with a grin.
I'm definitely giving this a high spot.
Also, I want it to be noted that I avoided a cheap slice/cake joke.
I have been informed that this is a crossover with Pom Gets WiFi. But even without knowing anything about that game, this is fairly amusing, in a goofy strange way. And it has a good message at the end, so that's nice.
Yep, that's good to get the ventricles running,
This is great, I mean it. Solid theming, concise execution, and a satisfying conclusion. My only complaint is that there's no real reason to have the first scene be a separate segment from the rest of the story Trixie could easily think about the points brought up at the beggining as she gets to the Castle.
This is just a minor complain that a bit of editing can help turn into an even better story.
Well done.
This is great, I mean it. Solid theming, concise execution, and a satisfying conclusion. My only complaint is that there's no real reason to have the first scene be a separate segment from the rest of the story Trixie could easily think about the points brought up at the beggining as she gets to the Castle.
This is just a minor complain that a bit of editing can help turn into an even better story.
Well done.