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Discord Channels the Wisdom of the Sages
"DISCORD THE ORACLE," the sign nailed up above Fluttershy's cottage read.
Twilight groaned. All she wanted was to find Spike for a nice day of paperwork filing. But he had disappeared that morning, and when she went into Ponyville to find him, she ran right into a queue of ponies winding all the way to Fluttershy's door.
Inside, the cottage was dark and smoky with incense. A jar near the door had a sign labeled "TIPS" on it. Twilight slunk into the shadows, frowning as she watched.
"...and that's my problem," Mrs. Cake finished.
Discord didn't move. He stared forward into a crystal ball.
Mrs. Cake gasped. "You're right! We spend too much time baking complicated treats, and then run out by mid-morning. We should do more simple fare, such as cookies and muffins. Oh, thank you!"
She trotted away, only to have A.K. Yearling take her place.
"My next book sucks," she said flatly. "What do I do?"
Discord stared.
A.K. blinked. "You mean... I'm being too hard on myself?" She winced. "I suppose you're right. I am my own worst critic."
Colgate was after her. "How do I convince ponies to pay more attention to dental hygiene?" she said.
Colgate's eyes grew starry. "Yes. That is the worst. That gives me an idea for an advertising campaign..."
As soon as she had left, Pinkie Pie was there.
"Why am I here?" Pinkie wondered aloud.
"Of course!" Pinkie chirped, launching herself over. She sproinged out of the cottage.
Scootaloo was next. "I want to be totally radical and extreme, but am worried that doing so will alienate me from my peers and/or get me in trouble with authority figures. How do I rebel against society while also conforming to its standards, without fear of the dangers that true individuality brings?"
"That store at the Ponyville Mall? Awesome!"
Twilight stared as more and more ponies filed through seeking advice.
Mr. Waddle.
He blushed a little and wandered off.
Doctor Hooves.
His eyes lit up and he left smiling.
Screwball.
Her eyes spun in slow circles and she left, smiling.
Cranky Doodle Donkey.
He nodded vigorously. "That's just what I said!"
Diamond Tiara.
"Okay, that's enough!" Twilight cried, leaping out. "Just what's your game, Discord?"
Discord stared into his crystal ball.
Twilight's mouth fell open. "Excuse me?"
Twilight took a deep breath, then let it out. "No, you're just trying to get to me. You always try to throw me off with something insane. Not gonna work this time. You know what I want?"
"Exactly." Twilight's mouth watered. "I mean no! I want an explanation!"
"What?"
Twilight marched forward, intending to shake Discord until he made sense. That's when she realized that she was talking to a cardboard cut-out.
"Discord!" she yelled, loud enough that everyone in Ponyville had to have heard.
With a poof, Discord appeared, sitting in a tub and covered with soap bubbles. "How rude! I was in the middle of something." He pointed over at the cut-out. "I left my answering machine on, couldn't you just leave a message?"
He hastily snapped his fingers. "On second thought, let me turn that off."
"But... Then who set all this up? Who—"
Twilight whirled around, just in time to see a purple tail disappearing out the cottage's front door. The tip jar had also vanished.
"Spike!"
Twilight groaned. All she wanted was to find Spike for a nice day of paperwork filing. But he had disappeared that morning, and when she went into Ponyville to find him, she ran right into a queue of ponies winding all the way to Fluttershy's door.
Inside, the cottage was dark and smoky with incense. A jar near the door had a sign labeled "TIPS" on it. Twilight slunk into the shadows, frowning as she watched.
"...and that's my problem," Mrs. Cake finished.
Discord didn't move. He stared forward into a crystal ball.
"Why are all of my foods so labor intensive?"
Mrs. Cake gasped. "You're right! We spend too much time baking complicated treats, and then run out by mid-morning. We should do more simple fare, such as cookies and muffins. Oh, thank you!"
She trotted away, only to have A.K. Yearling take her place.
"My next book sucks," she said flatly. "What do I do?"
Discord stared.
"I'm a bad writer. Someone slam a door on my fingers."
A.K. blinked. "You mean... I'm being too hard on myself?" She winced. "I suppose you're right. I am my own worst critic."
Colgate was after her. "How do I convince ponies to pay more attention to dental hygiene?" she said.
"Having impacted wisdom teeth is the worst. But I guess it could be worse. My best friend had five wisdom teeth, all impacted."
Colgate's eyes grew starry. "Yes. That is the worst. That gives me an idea for an advertising campaign..."
As soon as she had left, Pinkie Pie was there.
"Why am I here?" Pinkie wondered aloud.
"Someone hug me."
"Of course!" Pinkie chirped, launching herself over. She sproinged out of the cottage.
Scootaloo was next. "I want to be totally radical and extreme, but am worried that doing so will alienate me from my peers and/or get me in trouble with authority figures. How do I rebel against society while also conforming to its standards, without fear of the dangers that true individuality brings?"
"Hot topic."
"That store at the Ponyville Mall? Awesome!"
Twilight stared as more and more ponies filed through seeking advice.
Mr. Waddle.
"It’s a medicine to treat worm infections"
He blushed a little and wandered off.
Doctor Hooves.
"You need to compute infinite derivatives."
His eyes lit up and he left smiling.
Screwball.
"Please take comfort. It’s not so bad once you accept it and start sinking into the pleasant hollow of your personal madness."
Her eyes spun in slow circles and she left, smiling.
Cranky Doodle Donkey.
"That sounds borderline racist"
He nodded vigorously. "That's just what I said!"
Diamond Tiara.
"Blood pact. Next question."
"Okay, that's enough!" Twilight cried, leaping out. "Just what's your game, Discord?"
Discord stared into his crystal ball.
"I always thought you were an egghead."
Twilight's mouth fell open. "Excuse me?"
"I didn't realize the worst part of drug use would be the ads wormed into yur brain."
Twilight took a deep breath, then let it out. "No, you're just trying to get to me. You always try to throw me off with something insane. Not gonna work this time. You know what I want?"
"A cheeseburger with bacon, mushrooms, and jalapeno peppers. With fires. Fries."
"Exactly." Twilight's mouth watered. "I mean no! I want an explanation!"
"Critics are just out of touch with our emoji-based communication. They use typewriters or something."
"What?"
"When my TI-84+SE from over a decade ago finally died I replaced it with an -89Ti. I kind of want to tinker with it."
Twilight marched forward, intending to shake Discord until he made sense. That's when she realized that she was talking to a cardboard cut-out.
"Dubscon is a scam and William Antonelli is a fraud."
"Discord!" she yelled, loud enough that everyone in Ponyville had to have heard.
With a poof, Discord appeared, sitting in a tub and covered with soap bubbles. "How rude! I was in the middle of something." He pointed over at the cut-out. "I left my answering machine on, couldn't you just leave a message?"
"Petition to rename Discord to "Dicksword." In all situations where the word is used."
He hastily snapped his fingers. "On second thought, let me turn that off."
"But... Then who set all this up? Who—"
Twilight whirled around, just in time to see a purple tail disappearing out the cottage's front door. The tip jar had also vanished.
"Spike!"
This is a pleasant romp of amusing randomness, and I admire the Author's taste in quotes so much that I wonder if it is appropriate for me to abstain. :) I will upper-tier this one.
I'unno. I feel cardboard Discord's responses carried this story, because otherwise there's not much else this.
I mean, you did a great job with that, but it's not quite enough for me. Speaking of not quite enough, what exactly was Spike doing? Skipping out on Twilight by setting up a fake fortune teller stand with Discord's answering machine to make a few bits? What?
Overall, this doesn't quite meet my standards. It's a neat concept, but that alone doesn't carry a story.
I mean, you did a great job with that, but it's not quite enough for me. Speaking of not quite enough, what exactly was Spike doing? Skipping out on Twilight by setting up a fake fortune teller stand with Discord's answering machine to make a few bits? What?
Overall, this doesn't quite meet my standards. It's a neat concept, but that alone doesn't carry a story.
Formatting here is actually kind of hard to read because you are inconsistent with how you right align text, particularly with long text samples.
The punchline is also a bit weird. I suppose it could be construed that an "answering machine" is just a pun here, but the fact that he indicates like it is a normally functional answering machine makes that look out of place. If the former is the intent, I'd recommend leaning hard into it.
Otherwise... this is kind of the definition of cute but forgettable. There's some small, smile-worthy stuff here, but it doesn't really feel like any of it is going to stick. It's a popcorn fic.
The punchline is also a bit weird. I suppose it could be construed that an "answering machine" is just a pun here, but the fact that he indicates like it is a normally functional answering machine makes that look out of place. If the former is the intent, I'd recommend leaning hard into it.
Otherwise... this is kind of the definition of cute but forgettable. There's some small, smile-worthy stuff here, but it doesn't really feel like any of it is going to stick. It's a popcorn fic.
Cute story, and I enjoyed everything before Twilight started arguing with Discord.
Also: this is not the dubcon I was hoping for. Harumph.
The story was great, then it got very confusing when Twilight and Discord began to argue. I think I get the ending, but it seems out of character for Spike, unless the payment were gems. It doesn't make sense that there would be a 'machine' like this, and even less sense that the little one would have access to it. And why did it always seem to work?
I think the problem here is understanding where the absurdity is supposed to be. It isn't clear for me, so I'm left confused.
Also: this is not the dubcon I was hoping for. Harumph.
The story was great, then it got very confusing when Twilight and Discord began to argue. I think I get the ending, but it seems out of character for Spike, unless the payment were gems. It doesn't make sense that there would be a 'machine' like this, and even less sense that the little one would have access to it. And why did it always seem to work?
I think the problem here is understanding where the absurdity is supposed to be. It isn't clear for me, so I'm left confused.
Uh... huh. Well, the piece is kind enough to lampshade itself heavily: this is a cardboard cutout of a story that exists as an excuse to tell a bunch of jokes. It lacks narrative substance, but never tried to have any in the first place, so... okay.
The main gimmick, which I'm surprised nobody else has explained yet, is that the answering machine's lines are a selection of real quotes from the Writeoff Discord chat.
So... sure, decent execution. There's only so much credit I can give to a pure gimmick like this, but it's not bad, and I did laugh, so count it as a success. Thanks for writing!
The main gimmick, which I'm surprised nobody else has explained yet, is that the answering machine's lines are a selection of real quotes from the Writeoff Discord chat.
So... sure, decent execution. There's only so much credit I can give to a pure gimmick like this, but it's not bad, and I did laugh, so count it as a success. Thanks for writing!
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it's actually funny to see divination applied to ponies and how they don't need a general phrase but just a absurd to sill connect it to their lives.
I giggled once or twice throughout the story, but since the main focus seems to be the comedy, I can't say it worked very well for me.
However, this is enough well structured to gain points, ending in the upper mid tier.
Thank you for sharing.
I giggled once or twice throughout the story, but since the main focus seems to be the comedy, I can't say it worked very well for me.
However, this is enough well structured to gain points, ending in the upper mid tier.
Thank you for sharing.
Lightning Review: Fantastic opening and midsection that eventually veers over the randomness cliff. I was going to put this atop my slate until about the point where the programmable calculator got mentioned; from there its comic brilliance started feeling rushed and lost lotsa luster.
Tier: Almost There
Tier: Almost There
Someone slam a door on my fingers.
Ponies don't have fingers.
Anyway... I'm not really sure what to make of this. The responses are really the core of the story, but there isn't much else really here, and the frame story doesn't really make sense. Moreover, I feel like the middle part may have actually drug on for too long, and had too many answers and responses.