>>Not_A_Hat
Mainly with this. This is a good piece that feels just a little bit off. I'm not quite sure whether this piece was about Mac & Pear or Granny & Mare, and a tighter or more explicit focus might have helped it land better. Granny also seems to talk herself out of being upset on her own, yet I'm not too saddened by that because her reasons for being upset in the first place are hard to empathize with.

I think the main thing that feels missing is the Mayor's genuine perspective on why she married them. Does she see it as her duty as the mayor? Does she really believe in Mac so much that she'll side with his self-determination over what Granny wants for him? If so, why, and why doesn't Granny have more faith in her own son? We get a lot of handwavey talk about the Pears forbidding them and Granny "needing time," but it doesn't feel like any of that really cuts to the heart of the issues they're having.

But aside from that, the execution here is sound and the piece packs everything into a mini without feeling like too much was cut. Good stuff. Thanks for writing!

Okay. I'm not particularly familiar with "Triumph the Insult Dog." Just familiar enough to know that I don't like him. And while this story did have a few random amusing bits, I spent the majority of it waiting for the little puppet turd eater to get it's comeuppance. Needless to say I was disappointed on that score.

I'm sorry, but whatever audience Triumph is geared towards, I am clearly not a part of.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Our main characters are Hasboro Executives! Suddenly the story makes more sense! Well, it doesn't make more sense in so far as it was incomprehensible earlier. It just seemed a bit... pointless? Nebulous? Directionless? "Hey, people found hieroglyphics! Alien ponies visited us! The end!" Having this be the origin of the TV show, as a way to introduce the concept to humanity, is really quite clever! There's just one problem with this story:

If I hadn't read through the comment, I'd have had no idea that was what it was about.

So, in short, a very interesting idea very cleverly executed. With the caveat that it may have been a bit TOO clever, and pass right over many people's heads.

I was following along with this piece avidly for most of its length, finding it an enjoyable abstract-atmosphere-action ride. Not too many people attempt those in Writeoff, and the ones that do rarely succeed and are usually too vague or don't tell a coherent story. This one was right in the sweet spot, perhaps a bit basic on the prose, but hitting all the right notes...

... and then it was a setup for some swerve into the real world, and then a double twist about something vague and hard to parse that I literally don't have time to figure out because I'm trying to get this review in before the cut to finals.

Shucks! Darn! Shoulda just stuck with the dreamscape adventure, it was great! The ending takes that whole adventure we just sat through and shoves it into the realm of the mundane, and then tops it off with a depressing stinger. Just the opposite of what I was wanting. Not very satisfying, either to my personal taste, or to my writing taste. "Everything you just read didn't really matter" is very rarely a pleasant final surprise.

You have a talent for writing abstract dream adventure, even though it probably wasn't even the main thing you were aiming for with the piece. Recognize that strength and concentrate on it and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!

You know, it took me far too long to figure out what word Cherilee was objecting too? Other than that, I enjoyed this one. You go AJ! Show them big govement types that they can take your life, but you'll never take your accent! Freeeeedom!

It'll be kinda hard for them to go off grid though, seeing at to how they seem to feed half of Ponyville...

Totally Banned Derpy
a Retrospective

Well, I liked my story. This is possibly the first time I didn't get much from the reviews I could use. :ajunsure: The problem is that I disagreed with pretty much all the criticism, and none of the criticism was consistent so I'm not sure if anything ponies responded to is actually a problem for a wider audience.

>>sharpspark
Thanks! :twilightsmile: I promise I won't say something bad about one of your stories later in this retro and then regret it... (Also I loved some of your stories that did not make the cut and am very surprised they didn't make it, but how many stories did you write?!)

>>Fenton
I don't agree at all. I think the last line is the best part of the story. :ponyshrug:

>>Posh
I didn't think it was too confusing, but I discuss this a little in my last response below. Amusingly, I'd been thinking of putting the OOOOOO joke into the story before I saw your review. :rainbowlaugh:

>>Trick_Question
I don't agree with any of—oh, wait, I wrote this review

>>AndrewRogue
This is absurdity played straight, but I don't quite think of it as crackfiction? I don't normally write in this genre so I don't really know. I guess Derpy's story would kind of count. The ending qualifies as random, I think.

>>Ranmilia
Hmm. I didn't enjoy Twilight's Butt, and I liked reading my own story. (Oh crap Sharpspark I broke my promise! :raritydespair:) I do see your point about the comedy not being sustained as a constant effect. I guess some of this comes down to whether or not the reader expects things will be completely random or if there's an actual plot behind what they're reading.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
I agree the transition is a little schizy in how it's supposed to be a break to realism, but there's obviously still absurdity at the same moment because the plot matches Derpy's story. I'm not sure whether that should be enough to throw somepony out of the story or not.

So, yeah. I thought I had something cute and very funny, and nopony really liked it. This discourages me from actually expanding and posting it because it's clear I still don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this genre (even though I feel like I do).

Best of luck to the rest of you! :pinkiesmile:

This should have made the cut, for the record.

I thought this was one of the most creative ideas in the contest. I'm surprised it didn't make the cut.

Dumb Retrospective

This story was meant to explore, like the quoted lyrics of this amazing song say, what it feels to be dumb around smart people.

That's the result of an hour of writing with only 30 mins to edit and cut around 150 words. Not so much. Last round was bad because it was the weekend I was taking a plane. Guess what? This round happened while I was taking the plane too, and this story was written and posted 10 mins before going to the airport. Anyway, you're probably not here to listen to my little problems, so it's well time for questions and answers.

>>Monokeras
Like I said, written in one hour doesn't really help to avoid basic mistakes. The meta line was to emphasize the point of the story, how RD is feeling. It may be unnecessary, but since I always get comments like "I don't understand what's this story is about", I thought that hammering the message would prevent them from happening. And even with that, some people were still a bit confused.


>>Haze

the song lyrics suggest we're supposed to sympathize with Rainbow Dash. but I felt like the plot itself guides us into doing the opposite.

That was exactly the point and the plot wasn't meant to point in the opposite direction. Once more, epic fail for me.

the second section is a complete 180, because it feels more sad than comedic. Dash brings up the pony cultural stuff, but Cheerilee sees through it as a diversion. it feels so weird because then it becomes a serious discussion on role models and overcoming difficulty. the way Cheerilee defends herself by turning it around to attack Rainbow Dash feels kinda mean, to be honest.

It was meant to be a complete 180, a little experiment to see if I could manage to merge comedy and tragedy into one story.
About the discussion on role models, I don't know for you all, but my Dad isn't the sharpest tool. When I had difficulties with some of my homeworks, he often accused the wording to be badly phrased, or looking for any excuses, while in fact, he didn't understand how to solve the problem.
The way Cheerilee defends herself is indeed a bit mean. That's the result of not having enough words to slowly go to the point. I had to take shortcuts. That's definitely a point I'll focus on when reworking this shit.

I feel sorry for Dash, but am left with the impression that she's wrong and lying to herself and won't change.

Exactly. How many people really change? Not that much from my experience. You can disagree, or expect to not find this in a story, but that point came accross, so yay.

>>Not_A_Hat
See >>Monokeras? Some people still didn't get it, even with the lyrics.
So this was supposed to be a character piece about RD trying to not sound like a dumbass in front of Scootaloo. So she looks for excuses, accusing Cheerilee to be racist etc, before finally telling her that society is violent with dumb people.
All the topics brought during their conversation are just to avoid the diffuclt topic, so you weren't suppose to put a lot of thought into them.
>>Orbiting_kettle got pretty much everything covered for you.


>>Orbiting_kettle
Yes indeed, this story is supposed to happen around season 2-3. I didn't get the chance to properly set the timeline without using an obvious and jarring sentence.
The lack of tact from Cheerilee and the abrupt ending mainly comes from the lack of time and words, so I had to play it straightforward. Like I said, the converstation will be longer in the expanded version.


>>Trick_Question
I think, you pretty much guessed why this was received with mixed feelings. Choice of words and the way I phrased things are still a struggle, with me not being a native speaker. I'm improving, though I'm still far behind a lot of people here.
I usually find a proofreader before the submission, but this time, I couldn't. Hence, the result.


>>Zaid Val'Roa
You're not the first one to raise that Rainbow Dash doesn't resolve her problem. I couldn't imagine a character resolving a lifetime problem with such a plain event. Moreover, I felt like RD accepting she's dumb would have not only lessen the conflict impact, but also, it would have ended on a very naive note.
But don't worry, there will be more (not a lot) in the expanded version.


And voilà. Thank you all for your inputs. I'm glad that I've somehow succeeded to tell a complete story with the little time I had. It's clearly not my best work but it tells me that I'm now able to write something decent in a short time.
Good luck to the finalist, and see you later.

... I see what you did there, with the inspiration for this piece. Well played, well played. Better than the original for sure.

Now, the second major reference, I don't know if that's intentional or I'm just making it up. We'll find out. For now, I'll leave it as an exercise to other readers to figure out what I'm talking about.

Anyway, this is a decent character piece that makes a valiant attempt to include the full Mane Six in a mini. The arc is a bit lacking, though, it's more of just a gallery. Pinkie herself remains static in the role of passing out cakes, and while I do love to see this sort of take on her (the hardest working of the six!) I wish that there was a little more effort put into making her an active character. Instead of just showing us what she thinks of her friends, do something with that perspective! The ending has a small hint of her seeking a relationship with one of the others, but too little too late - if that was the intended arc, it's way too subtle throughout the main body and should be built up to a little more overtly.

Time for another mini Ran-t though: I see a lot of other comments calling this slice of life, and I can't agree. Slice of Life does not mean "low stakes, low narrative action." In fact quite the opposite, Slice of Life is one of the genres that relies most on having a strong narrative to function! It deals with mundane settings, and makes them interesting by treating them with the same narrative gravitas that more fantastic stories get.

What's a good example here... Friends, the sitcom? Every episode of that show is titled "The One Where (something something)!" Every episode has a main plot, and multiple sideplots, and makes sure to communicate to the audience at every moment of every scene the fact that something is happening, and to whom and why if you watch longer than a few seconds.

When you write slice of life, you have to turn the "narrative to background flavor" ratio up, not down, or else you end up with a boring mess that barely even qualifies as fiction. There's no room for that in storytelling. (In essays, maybe, and that goes back to my first comments... But I think this one is more on the lines of trying to have a narrative and not quite getting there.)

Anyway: good hustle, good mini, definitely getting there on the scale. This is also a very good example of using fanfiction, canon, and implied background information for good rather than for evil, which will also be a relevant comparison to several other finalists. Props, and thanks for writing!

>>Fenton
I loved the theme for this story, by the way. It was one of my favorite themes in the entire competition, and it touches on issues that the show hasn't dared to.

(Like, I hated that on the show, Dash gets a 100% on her exam when she's struggling with the material. That isn't the right message to send at all.)

Dealing with retrospective

See >>Fenton for the writing context. Just to add something, this was written at 11 am, while I was fighting sleep (I hadn't slept for 20 hours and I still needed to stay awake for 9 hours)
I'm surprised this story wasn't obvious for many people. But after all, that's not the first time I get that comment, and I'm still working on it.
So yes, Fluttershy is a drug dealer, and the stallion is trying to sell his stuff on her territory. That's the reason of his fate. No one mess with Dealershy.
About the tone of the story, I wanted to experiment a book tone, but alas, I didn't find a good way to tie it closer to the story. I'll probably get rid of it in the expanded version, that was a dumb idea, probably due to the lack of sleep.>>sharpspark


>>sharpspark
>>sharpspark
I addressed a lot of things above. The tone of the story is clearly something I didn't manage to get right.


>>AndrewRogue
Fluttershy is hardcore gangster because. And because of the first line. Yeah, not the smartest thing I ever write.
The fact that the very first lines ruin the ending was a tought choice. I add some foreshadowing along the story

-every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.
-“For your own sake, I will tell you this only once. Leave now.”

But since I often get comment like "I don't get what the story tells", I choose to be obvious. Probably a bit too much.


>>Trick_Question

This is a very well-written piece of prose

O_o Vicotry, yay! Thank you!
As for the story, Fluttershy is a 'Butterfly Dust' dealer, and the stallion tries to deal on her territory.
About your fourth option, it's a complete different story, but still a very interesting one. I may use it when I'll rework this shit.


>>Posh
That's okay if the joke didn't land for you. I didn't have enough time to put a lot of efforts into this, so that's not really a surprise.


>>Ranmilia

the rest of the town hasn't even heard of butterfly dust

I'm curious to hear what made you think that way. In my mind, ponies know what it is, but they are too scared of Fluttershy to even think of buying him stuff.

On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well.

Good, that's definitely a plus. It shows that I can manage to do that, even if only have a little more than an hour.


Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be something big, just a story my depraved sleep mind came up with while I was struggling to stay awake. I still thank you for your inputs, it's always great to see what can improved, even for a little shit like this.

Good luck to the finalists.

>>Fenton
For the record, I ranked this story in my top half. It might have been in my top five if the intent was both clear and in-character.

>>sharpspark
>>Posh
Also I think of Rarity as being 'posh', and you have Rarijack as your icon on FF, Posh, so that doesn't help not confuse wolves here. It's like Morning Sun using Pinkie Pie as her icon when that's not nearly her favorite ponus.

>>Fenton

In fact, each time he mentioned ‘butterfly powder’, every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.

“These ponies have never heard about having a good time?” he wondered after the twelfth pony.

I took this section more literally than intended, I suppose.

Like Trick, this was in the top half of my prelim votes. Happy trails!

It's time to mix drinks and change lives!

So there's a bit of a pattern with entries like this. A bunch of people come in, enjoy it, and post glowing reviews. Then I get to it and post a wordy version of "but it doesn't tell a story ;_;" (and then some more people post and tell me about how I'm totally wrong, and it does have a narrative arc under some subtle lens, and I reread it and still don't see it and shrug, and etc)

BUT NOT THIS TIME! Here we have a moody atmospheric character piece that does, in fact, tell a story and contain a narrative arc clear enough to satisfy even me. Good job. Well done. It's not a huge arc, but it's clear and it's present.

The fluff is good too. Excellent mood setting, captures the classic bar feel. Again, it doesn't aim extremely high, but makes its modest point well.

So there's just one major flaw to me: who are these ponies? Their names are given as Vinyl and Octavia. Their colors are described. Nothing else is. One is outgoing and a bit of a perv, and the other is not. Aside from that? They could be anypony. Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.

Good effort, nice environmental piece, very enjoyable. But remember to tie it to the characters you're using - there's pushing boundaries, and then there's Character In Name Only Syndrome. Also, play VA-11 Hall-A. Thanks for writing!

I have to agree with the general sentiment: there's not enough to this one.

I see a thrust in some directions of character and emotion exploration, but I think maybe the word limit was just too constraining to get where this needed to go at the slower, more reflective pace it tries to move at.

>>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Posh, >>Trick_Question, >>Monokeras, >>Fenton, >>Cassius, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Zaid Val'Roa

The Bleakest Damned Literary Abomination

Hoo boy. I knew this story would take a lot of heat, so I have no reason to complain. I am somewhat taken aback as to how far across the map range the attempts to reason out my motivation.

This story was really based on a variety of Optimalverse fic in which the protagonist is a person who is Very Bad, but he nonetheless gets what he wants anyway because CelestAI only wants to satisfy values and doesn’t care about how moral/ethical those values are. These stories can be simple morality plays, excuses for fetish writing, or more reasons to talk about how disturbing CelestAI actually is under her friendly pony surface.

My intent here was mainly to have people thinking that the pederast character was the former human, and the reveal would be that the assaulted “child” was not the victim of this world, but instead the whole reason it exists as it is. I was inspired by a factoid I read, that many of those with an interest in child pornography are not identifying with the assailant but with the victim. To the degree I did not communicate this, I guess I failed. It hurt the story that it needs an understanding of the Optimalverse background for best effect, and devoting even one paragraph to that was space I couldn’t afford to waste in a mini round.

So no, this ain’t my fetish. I did not even remotely intend for it to be erotica. And if you think I was really describing things in ‘detail…’ What I describe here is not really how a pederast assaults a victim; it’s a Hollywood version, but convenient for a fantasy.

>>Zaid Val'Roa

it is easier to explain an adult in a child’s body revelling in their fetishes than actually exploring what would be for a filly to have those desires.

By the time I set the scene, I didn’t have a lot of space to do any exploring. I think that Minis are a place to do simple, direct and punchy things and 2k-8k stories are the place for exploration. Also, beyond this present effort, I have little interest in fully exploring this topic.

>>Cassius

It’s the equivalent of a dark one-liner like, “What’s worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust” except it’s drawn out for 747 words and has a detailed account of child rape.

So roughly half the reviewers think I didn’t put in enough detail and half think I used too much. :/

To sum up, I probably should have left this one on the backburner. I have no intent to polish this story; there will likely be no further editions of Dangerous Visions to accept and publish an expanded or non-ponified version. To those who got a laugh from it, you sick little fuckers I’m glad you got something out of it. To those who were distressed, you ain’t seen nothing yet I’m sorry to have caused you discomfort. Thanks for the reviews!

Thank you, those you read (and especially who commented on) Normal Here. I would like to re-introduce into the record that I implied previously ( >>KwirkyJ ) that this one was a bit rushed. Indeed, I woke up, checked the site, double-checked (because [REDACTED] TBD), brainstormed for five minutes as I woke up, wrote for fifteen or twenty minutes, edited for five, submitted, posted my notice, and made the jump into hyperspace. And two of you thought this a good thing, I guess?

Right. My story. To be honest, I'm not entirely certain what the goal if it is, either, which is part of the point. If feeling generous, I might argue that it is about choosing and pursuing one's destiny, and accepting uncertainty or lack of perfection, unexpected responsibilities (or a dichotomy of different aspects of living), &c., &c. As to why Sunset wants to move in with Celestia, I posit that she still views this Celestia as a role model figure, and wants to have some ground of familiarity as she moves into a new stage of life. I intentionally elided why her friends cannot, only partly due to time and space. I respect that I should have focused solely on one character, but lacked the resources to narrow the focus.

The title, "Normal Here" might serve as a primary clue: normalcy is what one makes of it?

...I'm a wordsmith, not a writer.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
All valid points. It's because I'm not great.

>>AndrewRogue
First assertion, I concur. Second, however, I question, as the story attempts to frame Sunset's future as a whole.

>>Posh
Thanks for your thoughts. Your question is unique, and I have attempted to suggest an answer above.

>>Ranmilia
Time and other limitations, yes.

>>Trick_Question
Oh. It's you. How have you been? I've been really busy, being dead. Because you murdered me. And we both said a lot of things that you're going to regret later. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science? You monster.

A suggestion for the third paragraph

I respectfully decline.

in which case you're using third-pony universal mood

Third-person omniscient, being very judicious about the details. As in a previous entry of mine you are again imposing stylistic preference under the guise of something more authoritative. Further, I was very careful about separating whose actions were in which sections—while I could well replace all pronouns to eradicate all possible potential confusion (except maybe for the dyslexic or sight-impaired), that solution is unacceptable. I have been gentle in my prose, and kindly ask my reader to give just a little to keep up.

Principal Celestia goes from shock to acceptance at the drop of a hat

Does she? Does she, really?

I can't see Celestia being willing to entertain the idea of shacking up with Sunset even if she did like the idea.

This, you are entitled to.

I'd assume Celestia to be is considering living with a teenage girl because she needs a maid. That's not exactly the start of a healthy relationship.

You're right, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. However, perhaps her decision has some connection with the rest of the story, with her pushing Sunset to work towards a productive, happy, professional life? (However, Celestia's own personal and professional lives do present a contradiction, or at least dichotomy, so...)

[T]he intransitive version of 'guise' as a verb is common only to Scottish English (I think?), but I don't think it's a problem because your meaning here is clear enough.

There is no recognized verb form of 'guise', from what cursory research I have done. I deliberately (ab)used it for effect, and, as my meaning is clear, I have succeeded.

This is cute... and very gimmicky, which is something I'm harsh on in part to counterbalance the rosy reviews from novelty value. As you can see above, a lot of people are scoring it well, but not really delving into it beyond "That was cute, wow how original, I laughed, top slate!" Once we get over the novelty, what's here? What does this entry use its unconventional nature to do well, and why? Is this the best patchnote story it could be?

It IS a narrative, which is nice, and goes some way towards justifying its existence. There is progression over time, and at least a vague sense of a beginning, middle and end.

I can't tell what exactly the narrative is, though. Just what is this software, and what is it supposed to do? Who are the end users? Some of the terminology implies that it's a game, but the bits at the end seem to go in a different direction and imply that it's a simulation, or maybe an operating system? This bothers me, because it should be a very easy question for the reader to answer. Every line is an opportunity to communicate something about the nature of the whole, there's no shortage of ways in which it could have been tied into a coherent picture of what this thing is, yet it just... doesn't do it.

As >>Trick_Question points out, the version numbers are another missed opportunity. I can't discount the possibility that I'm missing some subtle references, but as far as I can tell from a casual look, the numbers are completely arbitrary. They could have been used to add to the text, like, say, add Discord in 0.0.42, or remove Tirek in version 4.26. It's disappointing that nothing along those lines seems to have been done.

The bunny/griffin stuff is good and funny. I wish there was a little more of that, and a little less boring stuff or loose retelling of canon. When we see Sombra and Tirek come in, we know they're going away in the next update, and in neither case do they leave in a particularly amusing way. Discord gets a little more flavor, but he too is in and out in a flash. Much more could have been done with them. Lines like those, and the physics notes, are lines that could have been used for further jokes or narrative/pseudonarrative development.

v0.1.12
+ Added Earth Ponies to feed the Unicorns.

Best line in the piece, by far. More stuff like that, more dynamic elements like the bunny saga, would go a long way. Maybe some mention of parasprites, or some extremely bizarre or disturbing [thing] that isn't something we know from canon and was commented out just before release. There are a lot of possibilities, I'm just tossing out a couple at random there, but hopefully you get the idea: this is a fairly plain, conservative take compared to what could have been done with this structure given a little more effort.

So, in the end, I can't put this too high. It's fine, and probably going to score pretty well, but I'd like to challenge the author a bit to think about what they did vs what they could have done, and what we can learn from that. Thanks for writing!

>>TheCyanRecluse
This.

Okay, so the prose here is solid, but the direction isn't there until the subtle Hasbro angle is pointed out. And then... well, wait, no, it still doesn't make all that much sense. My Little Pony existed before Friendship is Magic, and it's not very clear what the exact angle is on making the reveal to the public.

So, hm. Straightforward piece, punchline a little too subtle and falls apart a bit on examination. S'about all I got. The definition of a decent mini, bit above average, you can clearly see what went wrong and how to improve. Thanks for writing!

Author Notes:

I think most people didn't get this one, which is fair because it was a reference to a series of fics from a writeoff over two years ago. I think the framing makes more sense in that context, as I subverted/reversed the plot of the original fics. Please note that despite the title, neither this nor the originals were deliberately written badly to try and win the spoon.

>>Trick_Question
"Wesley" is just a joke reference to something else. It was in every way a poor decision to include, but I did so anyways because I didn't expect many people to understand this story to begin with. So why not double down on opacity! (obviously this has been a winning strategy in all of my comedyfics, I am so good at writeoff)

This piece is indeed great fun, and I am pleased to see so much positive reception.

That being said, I, too, will suggest that it could be augmented.

1. Release notes, done properly, are always as exhaustive and complete as possible. No entries are skipped, no changes are omitted. The jumping around here is a definite impediment to the credence of the format, but somewhat essential given the word limit.

2. There is great variance, there is almost always sub-sections of "added", "changed", "removed" (optionally including 'deprecated'?), "fixed", and possibly others, categorizing the modifications in each update. Another very common convention is to put the changes in present tense, e.g., "Increase Griffin size and damage." As a style guide that I, personally, would not mind adhering to (YMMV), this one is pretty good, and is similar to many of my own pet projects.

3. This point is much more subjective, but play with the idea of treating all changes as authoritative and final, removing this "temporarily" and most other wibbly-wobbly hemming and hawing; thought being that the dancing around with the features plays off of this ironically, in the "Well, that was a stupid idea, but this one is the best! (later) Well, ****." kind of way. Additionally, some of the entries strike the tone more of a developer's working notes more than a change release.

"Properly" filling this out could be huge, as you are effectively creating a log of creating the universe. Expanding it with such an intent may be impossible or rob it of the comedic punch this version possesses. I just don't know. Still, food for thought if you do continue this elsewhere.

(What did the deer keep doing to keep having sapience toggled?)

Uh... huh. Is this a thing from the recent show? It seems like this might be a thing from the recent show, which I haven't seen. Or just a bash fic.

If things are as bad as Luna says, her inaction is surely causing more damage and maybe costing lives. For spite. So she's not really very funny to me here. And what happened to Twilight and the Elements? How did things even get to this point?

Not sure why so many of the comments are talking about it as a criticism of bureaucracy. The bureaucracy barely exists in the story, most of it's about Celestia and Luna's relationship.

I dunno. This piece goes to some unfun places. It doesn't work for me as either comedy or drama. It comes off as mean-spirited, intentionally towards Celestia and unintentionally towards Luna. The basic idea of Equestria collapsing and the sisters arguing like this... I'm not sure that ever works for me as drama, not without some other major revamps. As comedy (which I think was the aim?) it needs to tone the devastation way down, play up the bureaucracy or similar elements more, put the sisters more in character (Luna less vicious, Celestia less of a lump) and maybe set it in the moment of an incident rather than after everything's gone south.

Evidently other people are seeing something different in it, so, cool, peace be with you all, this may just be me. And thank you for writing!

>>AndrewRogue
Generally agreeing here. Most of the story establishes that Trixie is willing to throw away her pride and make the sacrifices to get what she wants. Then suddenly, she finds it difficult. A sense of shame is said to be the first thing to go in show business... >>Trick_Question points to telliness and I'm on board with that too.

The gut punch doesn't land with me, feels overwrought, but I'm notoriously stonehearted to such things so take that with a grain of salt. The voice switch seemed more significant, although I would like to see explicitly, in Trixie's own words, why she uses third person and why she switches to first. Most of the people I've known in real life who use reflexive third person have very specific reasons for doing so, which are very important to them!

Overall a solid midcard entry for me. Tighten up the aim of your punches, make sure you know where you're throwing them and why, and they'll get around the opponent's guard. Thanks for writing!

I'm gonna throw out a guess here, and you can tell me if I'm right or not.

Mostly agreed with >>Not_A_Hat on this. The blindness is a stinger, but then it's only temporary, so... why? I was hoping for a bit more of a build to some sort of theme. "People like hanging around Rarity because she's their friend" is, er, something that is true all the time, regardless, so it doesn't make a tremendous impact. Low stakes, high fluff, smooth flow.

Work out why you wanted to do whatever it is you were wanting to do here, and work on bringing that out in the story to make it the best piece it can be. Sounds simple, is challenging, but you have a good grasp of flow so I've no doubt you can do it. Thanks for writing!

>>KwirkyJ
I'm super bad at conveying my feelings in critique, they always seem exaggerated and self-centered.

I can't avoid commenting on your stories if I don't know who you are. :fluttershysad: I am very sorry.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I ranked this one very high on my list.

Tell nopony.

Echoing off of what several reviewers have said, this is a pretty cool scene~ The mood-setting is done very well, kudos to the other. I particularly enjoy the prose, the author clearly is very skilled and that skill immersed me in the story, so I appreciate that. I think Trick on the one thing here I'd say could be improved upon and that's the composition. I agree with her comment on the micro-paragraphing, but then again, it's a mini fic, you don't need nor want to go into depth on a lot of elements. Word choice is a little bland towards the end—I'd actually say the story -dips- towards the end, just a little. Like I said with the mood-setting, at the beginning, it was immersive, and while the execution of the story is strong at the end, I'd like to have seen the writing itself be as captivating as it was from the first line. Overall, really solid scene, and I would like to see this extended.

>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia

I would like to offer something to the both of you and your criticisms, and excuse me, but I'm calling it unfair. In both of your reviews where you note you have issue with the story, you mention "fanon" elements that are clearly not evident in this story. This story is not a normal "TaviScratch" shipping story, so I ask you don't look at it as one.

Here's my issue.

Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.

Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.

With all due respect, these are biased and unfair criticisms due to the fact you are expecting this story to be like any normal Octavia and Vinyl shipping story. Thing is, in this story, Octavia and Vinyl aren't friends. They know nearly nothing about each other. You've applied not even canon elements, but fanfare elements to these characters that are not fact and basically taken away free interpretation from the author, or you've frowned upon the authors free will of using characters with very limited backgrounds, which, in my opinion, is wrong. They didn't comply to what the fandom believes, and even if you don't recognize it you've marked this fic as "flawed" for not following fandom tradition.

Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?

In canon, Vinyl and Octavia live together, and in this story, Vinyl doesn't even know Octavia's name till the end. So, this story is obviously not after canon, so it has no reason to adhere to canonization. It's its own thing, so why are you judging a fic that uses background ponies, and then telling the author their fic is flawed because they don't use the "fandom norm" or on a micro scale, your headcanon.

I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but I'm hoping some perspective might help any other readers.

This fic isn't perfect, you don't have to like it, but all I'm saying is it's extremely unfair to call fandom theory "fact" and then punish the author and tell them their fic is "flawed," because they don't follow fandom theory. It's like having a group of friends, they all order Ice Cream, everyone gets chocolate, one guy gets cookie dough and you call him "wrong" in reality it's just different.

I'm a sucker for this kind of subdued Slice of Life stories. It was heart-warming, had a charming setting, and a cute ending.

The initial dialog has to be tightened, and it would be nice if the other patrons got a couple more details to round them up as characters, or even to classify them into know archetypes. It worked quite well with Rosehip, and extending the same treatment to others would make the scene more lively.

It made me feel warm and fuzzy, but it can be improved dramatically. Still, a good story, thank you for it.

>>ChappedPenguinLips
Thank you for commenting! I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here... or possibly I have been misunderstood?

Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?

Yes, this is the point I was trying to make. This story is intended to be about Vinyl and Octavia, but it is written without using any identifying markers or character traits for them, so it might as well be about Dainty and Angelic. This is not a good thing, because fanfiction creates both expectations and opportunities when an author chooses to use established characters or elements.

The author could have chosen to make the ponies in this story original characters, but instead chose to indicate (via names) that they are Vinyl and Octavia. Because they made that choice, I as a reader now expect to see further elements of Vinyl and Octavia's established characterizations come into play, and for the story to actively make use of those elements for characterization.

Additionally, it is expected and encouraged for fanfiction to change or reinterpret some elements of established characters. However, you cannot change or strip away every element of an established character and still claim that the fic is about that character! Something recognizable must remain.

Now, these are minor characters in canon, so they do not have very much source material to work with. But they do have some firmly established canon elements: Vinyl is a unicorn, Octavia is an earth pony, both of them have musical symbol cutie marks and are involved with music as their primary occupations, Vinyl is involved with modern electronic music, Octavia plays the cello. None of those elements appear in this story.

Fanon is often invoked as a characterization shorthand when writing in an established fanfiction community (like this one!), especially for characters who had minor roles in canon. In pony fandom in particular, commonly accepted fanon elements about minor characters play a major role in audience interpretations, up to and including such elements being directly written into canon as a response to their popularity. While certainly not required of any author, common fanon elements help readers recognize and interpret the characters in question as being characters rather than blank slates. This story also does not feature any common fanon characterization elements for Vinyl or Octavia - at least, none that I recognize. It does feature extremely broad personality strokes of Vinyl being outgoing and Octavia being dour and introverted, but these are so generic and widely applicable that to me they are not sufficient to demarcate the specific characters involved.

Because existing characters have been invoked, but have not been sufficiently related to their existing characterizations, canon or otherwise, I have to count this as a missed opportunity. The story could have taken advantage of these existing elements in various ways (for example, mentioning their different phenotypes to play on ponyracial tension, or using musical motifs or metaphors to make descriptions more effective or imply a shared background or common interest.) It does not do so. This is both a squandering of potential from a writing standpoint, and a disappointment to readers who happen to be fans of these characters and were drawn in by the story's use of their names, expecting to see the characters they are familiar with in play.

With the way the story is currently written, there is little if any good reason for the characters to be explicitly named Vinyl and Octavia. They are not only unrecognizable as those characters by a close read of the text, they are generic personalities lacking any identifying details in the text. This creates the impression that the author is being 'lazy' and attempting to coast on names alone as substitutes for actually writing out details and characterization, presumably because of the minific length limitations.

There's only so far you can go in that direction and have the piece remain effective, and names alone aren't enough. At least, in my eyes. Opinions may vary, although this is by no means an unknown phenomenon in fandom circles.

If you took the characters in this story and changed their names to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, that doesn't make it a Harry Potter fanfic or a creative reimagining of those characters that's "just a different flavor of ice cream" from most Harry Potter fics. Names alone don't make it so. Some actual trait or substance of the original that is recognizable to the audience must remain.

I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop there. Hopefully this helps understanding of why I see this story as flawed.

We talked about:

Black / Flightcamp
Poisoned Apple
How Do Ponies Use a Computer? Just Use Your Imagination, Please
What She Doesn't Know
Can't Hurt Her

In approximately that order.

Listen here: Link.

>>ChappedPenguinLips Pretty sure you misunderstood my post a bit.

To put it more bluntly, I can almost guarantee that this fic would have placed lower on my slate had it not been TaviScratch. I have no issue with varying interpretations of the characters or even ones that divest from what little canon exists about them; my issue is that while I find the scene pleasant and moody, I just don't feel there is quite enough to -really- get me rooting for this romance to advance if these characters weren't two I was (as it were) already invested in.

Basically, there is not enough information about this rendition of Octavia and Vinyl for me (at least a hypothetical me who was was not a massive TaviScratch shipping nerd) to know if I should be rooting for them. Maybe Vinyl really is pushing things way too hard and Octavia isn't a pony who wants her to keep pressuring her. Maybe Octavia needs a friend now and a romantic partner later. Maybe Octavia here is just a real grumbly asshole and this relationship is doomed from the get go. Maybe Vinyl is just a serial dater and likes a challenge. Etc.

While I realize part of the idea here is obviously the TBD element, there still needs to be some little bit of meat that convinces the reader that this is a relationship they want to root for (or maybe a relationship they are terrified of). By leaning on ostensibly familiar characters (it's pretty easy for me to link this back to Allegrazza, for realsies, for example) you can sorta gloss a bit over that because you are relying on the reader to fill in the meat themselves based on surrounding material, but it isn't a good thing to bank on.

Had this been about two random OCs, I really think this flaw would've been more evident.

Your Little Pony: Retrospective

So I wrote this with the intention of practicing a particular technical element: the surprise ending. The story was supposed to have been constructed to encourage the following train of thought: "Ok, somepony's in a relationship with Fluttershy. Oh, and I see it's a controversial relationship. Wait--why's Twilight trying to figure out how Fluttershy got pregnant? It should be pretty obvious. Unless... Wait! A centaur? Centaur. Um... Half horse, half hu--It was a human the whole time!" In retrospect, human x pony has probably been done about a billion times, so the assumption that the protagonist could have been human was probably in the back of everyone's mind anyways (especially given that I also used second person).

Which brings me to the use of second person. The way I saw it, "You" is the best pronoun to preserve ambiguity. "He" is too direct, "She" is incorrect the way I was using it, and every English teacher I've ever had has drilled into me that "They" is always plural and never singular. And "It" just sounds weird.

The idea for the story itself must have been lingering memories of a poll I saw in one of my MLP groups. Basically, the poster asked what would be the child of a human x pony relationship. The top-voted choice was "they can't procreate," followed by "That's disgusting!" Bringing up third place (and trailing by only a couple votes) was "centaur."

With those issues out of the way, I can now address the other comments. Yeah, Fluttershy relapsed pretty hard into her old ways here, but it's nothing we haven't seen her do in the show. (22 Pranks Later) Idk. Maybe I'm just projecting my own hyper-introversion relapse onto Fluttershy too hard.

I know that I just said Fluttershy is a projection of my own relapse, but I'm also not entirely convinced that Fluttershy isn't just second-guessing herself or her choices. The way the protagonist speaks to her, you'd think he's known Fluttershy for a while, and has seen her second-guess herself before. Maybe he's just trying to push her in a certain direction.

Then, there's Applejack. Not one, but two of you voiced your... concerns about my portrayal of Applejack. Maybe it's a side effect of growing up in church, but I've got some rather strong feelings regarding hyper-traditionalism. Of the mane six, which pony prides herself the most on her traditions? Eeyup. Applejack. I wish I could take the time to--You know what? Go to YouTube and watch "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof. I know it's Judaism and not Christianity, but it's the same basic idea: hyper-traditionalism dictating the entire way of life of a culture. Once you're done, we'll gather in a circle and start singing together. (Traditiooooooon! Tradition! Dai dai dai dai dai. Dai dai dai dai.)

That leaves Rarity and Twilight as the other mane six members not ok with the relationship/pregnancy. Probably, I was falling back on the poll I saw a while back. "That's disgusting" edged out "centaur," so I guess I assumed that a human x pony couple would be as controversial in Equestria as it is here in our world. I wanted a bit of contrast to AJ, so I picked Rarity. Though she still protests the pairing, she does so quietly--a subtle message that avoiding the subject is still a response to it. I didn't mean, however, for Twilight to be numbered among the haters. She simply can't figure out how in either of the couple's worlds they managed to get pregnant. Naturally, she barred herself in the castle library and hasn't come out since.

Probably the most straightforward approach would be to have tiny vignettes between scene breaks, where we can actually see what AJ has to say...

I briefly considered doing this, but for lack of time, I decided against it.

If you feel like I haven't addressed something, I probably haven't. It's tired and I'm late. Night, all.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>Ranmilia
>>Orbiting_kettle

Good advice all around. I got nothing much in the way of actual commentary on this one. Just seemed like a decent tact to take with the prompt. I briefly considered that I really should arbitrarily make this about -any other two characters because I'm p. sure you are all gettin' real sick of me doing this- but it just didn't feel right to do given the nature of this story.

I think I figured out what to change...

Twilight Sparkle twirled the tiny purple crystal around in her telekinetic glow. It was remarkable how a delicate little prism could contain so much information within it. The magic needed to condense many spells within a small solid object was easy to learn, but difficult to master. Normally larger crystals were used, and the unicorn casting a spell upon it didn't have to worry about maximizing efficiency. With a smaller crystal such as this, there were no luxuries. Every redundant incantation meant wasting magical capacity. Every flaw in the outer facets meant less surface space to spread aura evenly. Every mistake in amplifying the magic meant not a simple chip or crack, easy to repair, but the whole structure shattering. This one had a relatively simple tetragonal symmetry, but the lattices met with strange alterations to the crystal's colors. The lavender clouds bled into the violet swirls, but the closer to the central axis of the crystal they got, the patterns became more distorted. The shapes became more jagged, like twisted pointy teeth springing out in every direction. This was a common side effect of the harmonic crystalline enchantment, but instead of forming impurities they remained clean. Thin gold flakes peppered the calcium caps forming along the top and bottom, which created a positive and negative polarity that directed the flow of magic. Casting a spell through a crystal tended to agitate the mosaic, shifting pixels over by a few spaces, but a unicorn could adjust for this and resynchronize the picture manually depending on the chemical bonds present. Metalic and ionic bonds were a simple calculation, but covalent bonds went in the opposite direction, causing all sorts of headaches for students trying to figure out what they did wrong. As far as Twilight could tell, this one had not been found in centuries. They had discovered it in a dusty case within the Crystal Empire's library storage vault, where the floor was cold to the touch like clear blue ice. It was kept this cold to preserve the finely detailed carvings within the surface of the bricks, forming a written history of the Empire in its early days, before all the same information had been duplicated in the tomes kept on the ground floor. These carvings were all that were preserved after King Sombra's rule, for all the others were deemed unimportant, and the component materials were scavenged to rebuild the palace. Even the knowledge of the tools used for this art had been lost long ago, though scholars had a rough theory of how they were organized, based on the variation in thickness and curves of the surviving carvings. At first it was assumed these were also used to create the magic crystals, but comparing them against the Crystal Heart proved that they were completely unrelated arts. The tools shared an origin with the earth pony styles from elsewhere in Equestria, which meant the Crystal Empire most likely hired unicorn specialists from abroad to deal with those artifacts. Twilight wasn't sure if Starswirl the Bearded was referring to these same crystals in his treatices, but that was only because there were so few of the smaller size remaining in operational condition. In her school studies she had a little experience with crystals, but since moving to Ponyville she had no opportunities to perform experiments on them, as they were all kept within secure Canterlot museums, and it was not safe to transport them because of the stability force fields containing them. The force fields were necessary to prevent residual magic from leaking out and spilling into the soil, upsetting the magical balance like had already happened in the Everfree Forest. When Princess Luna had become Nightmare Moon, her brief eclipse of the sun had caused strange side effects to the nearby land, making the Everfree wild and uncontrollable for over a thousand years. It was different from the eternal snowstorms that ravaged the far north after Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banished King Sombra and his subjects, but the two natural phenomena making each land permanently inhospital did not seem like mere coincidence. Twilight wondered if it wasn't the sun and moon itself, but the Elements of Harmony that had started this chain of events all along. After discovering this new crystal, Equestria might be in grave danger.

this paragraph is too long. I should shorten it.

>>007Ben
Just read it now.
I don’t know if it has ever been made, but if you want to push it into drama, try this: Fluttershy dates w/e human, gets pregnant, then dumped. Now she has to decide w/e or not keep the “child”.

>>Haze
Close the sluice gates!

Is the Yearling quip meant at me? :P

Otherwise, this is quite nice. ‘Tis the sort of random humour I dote on, and it does a good job subverting the characters of the show.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it's actually funny to see divination applied to ponies and how they don't need a general phrase but just a absurd to sill connect it to their lives.

I giggled once or twice throughout the story, but since the main focus seems to be the comedy, I can't say it worked very well for me.
However, this is enough well structured to gain points, ending in the upper mid tier.

Thank you for sharing.

This is funny but I have a hard time figuring out what’s the final barn looks like. Does it spin on itself, or is it mounted on a giant fidget spinner?

For the rest, AJ and RD play off each other great. This is a classic, but solid comedy. I also appreciate you not pushing too far on AJ’s southern overtones.

Interrupting my reading after the third paragraph.
All these three are basically "Cheerilee did this, she did this and this. Then she did this, and this. She did this. She did this. She did this, she did this, and she did this."
The repetition is 'a bit' too much. Try to vary your sentences.

The reading is done, same for the comments.

I'll heavily echo the others about the lack of subtlety in this one. I don't mind the mood switch between the beginning and the ending, however, it needs to be more subtle in order to work. Cheerilee is too depressed.
Moreover, the part about her sex life is also pretty straightforward. Instead of:

How long since she’d last spent the night with a stallion? How long since she’d last had sex?

You could have something like:

How long since she’d last spent the night with a stallion? How long since she’d felt the strong, warm embrace of a lover? When was the last time she had been able to let everything go and just feel loved?

The same goes for the ending. Shedding a tear before Scootaloo's paper is great, but having her fully crying is once again too much.

That being said, the core of the story is great and touching. This is something I can relate to, having taught kids. Rework this, focusing on subtlety and you'll have something that will shine.

Thank you for sharing.

I don't think the intention of this story was to be cathartic. I get the feeling that this was a tragedy, a long sequence of compounding failings, of missed opportunities and of solitude. Or at least that is what I got.

From a technical point of view, there's not much I can add. Like >>Zaid Val'Roa said, with a bit more space you could expand on the descriptions that make us feel Windy's panic and fear. It would help to frame the successive action better.

While it is a good story, I feel we need a bit more context to make it great. As it stands, it has been a good if not exactly entertaining read. Thank you for it.

I began by reading this piece, then I read What She Doesn’t know. This one piece is great. I like the spooky atmosphere and the suggestion there’s something (an enemy?) messing around, something Twilight’s cannot put her hooves on because it lurks just beyond her reach. This is well executed, and heavily reminds me of a Sci-Fi short story whose title I’ve forgotten but which plays around the same theme: a guy wakes up every morning to the same town. Things never change. It seems like he’s the only one to notice the world keeps being reset every night. He starts an enquiry and finds a scary, spooky answer to this (I won’t tattle, as you may be interested in reading it).

Now, I read the other fic, and somehow it was a letdown to me. I found it way less interesting, and, unfortunately, since the two pieces are intimately connected, the latter dragged this one down. What She’s Doesn’t Know is very unclear. What happened to Twilight? Why would Celestia not allow for Twilight’s reforming? What is that trace of evilness that still lingers? Is it Twilight refusing to give up on all her memories? Is it Derpy? Is Derpy a figment of Twilight’s mind just to render her world more hospitable? Or is Derpy the drop of kindness Luna tries to instil into Twilight’s mind? Is she a probe? The conclusion, as the other said, is way too optimistic.

The two pics play well off one another, but — I don’t know. I was left unsatisfied by What She’s Doesn’t Know and that’s a pain because I wanted to like this fic more than I can do now.

See >>Monokeras

Genre: Part 1 of 2

Thoughts: I didn't have this on my prelim slate, but I did read it after reading its obvious companion piece. Part 2 is stronger as a standalone story than this is--and I hate to knock the Author's work as such but I feel the comparison makes sense in this case. The limitations here include a lack of clarity around what happened to Twilight and why, as well as a characterization of Celestia that's just hard for me to get into. I think some of that is a matter of opinion, in that I personally find it hard to suspend my disbelief about Celestia going all the way to a fake funeral to cover up for Twilight having fallen into corruption. I think I could be persuaded to buy that but right now I don't feel like the story is working very hard to sell me on it; it's mostly just dropped in there as background material. The word I'm trying to avoid using is "telly," but I can't think of a better one.

Sorry, Author. It works as a companion to the other piece but I fear it doesn't do much for me otherwise.

Tier: Needs Work

Genre: Slice of sad

Thoughts: All right, here's the wackiest-sounding title on my finals slate. I came close to checking this out during prelims based on title alone but time hasn't been on my side.

Anyway, Starlight gets a new "boinger" and then we do a sadder version of the What About Discord episode.

No, seriously, that's kind of it. Ultimately it ends up being something I can get into, though. I like how the trappings of silliness accentuate the stabs of isolation that Starlight is struggling with. Her reform was fast but she's still not quite part of the group. Twilight wants her to be but it's not that simple. Kinda like we see on the show.

So in that sense I would say the plot here isn't terribly ambitious, but I think it does what it does very well. I can't find any real flaws to pick on, even if it doesn't knock my socks off.

Tier: Strong

The execution shines, but the idea is well, lackadaisical, at least to me. Found myself skimming through it, not because it is badly written, but because I was not interested in the plot. Sorry for that author, but my current involvement with the show is not deep enough to care about such chit-chatting. (Besides, I don't think it ever was. Apple family stories have always bored me anyway.)

What the others said. I read all previous round stories, so I got the reference, of course. Cyan, is that you?

Anyway, I can't possibly rate this high, given it address a happy-few audience. But the core idea is pretty fun, that I can hand to you.

Basically what the others said. It’s a nice Slice of Life, but it’s like a donut: it’s sweet to eat, but it doesn’t live much aftertaste. The characters are nice, though as far as I remember, Pony Joe donut shop is located in Canterlot, so I’d expect toff patrons rather than the rural type.

This was a lovely read and, while you're probably hoping for a different review of it, my feelings for it just echo with the others. It's sweeter than maple syrup and makes you want to come back for more. The characters are a little vague, but I suppose that's to be expected from a minific contest. Overall, it's a lovely read, and it feels like it could do very well with some expanding.

I’m not sure, but I think this is a tri-logue between Rarity, Fluttershy and Flutterbat.

In any case, this is both beautiful prose and obfuscated contents, but nothing new here. Yeah, there’s an obvious intimation to Snow White, but what’s the point?

Anyways. A nice read, but like many cryptic entries, after a short while the sweet taste fades away and leaves us alone with our puzzlement.

I disagree with >>Ranmilia

Before I get into this, I'm unsure if the ending lines are meant to suggest shipping, but I think the story's much more interesting with it than without. Assuming she's only talking about picking a "favorite friend" at face value, then the fic is indeed pretty static. Just some cute descriptions of her friends, then repeating the intro, and that's it. But if it is about romance, I think this has this much understated power. (so that's the version I'll review)

The idea here is that Pinkie feels like she needs to pick someone to love, but she can't. Or rather, she doesn't want to, and she's content with delaying that choice so she doesn't have to make it. There's no conflict, just a question that she can't answer. and I think that's the strength of Slice of Life stories, when they illustrate and examine these questions in our daily lives that have no correct answers.

This minific is smart for presenting that as a simple little twist. You think she's just admiring her best friends, but she's really talking about potential romance. I think a common fatal mistake would be to "show" that buildup as some kind of argument (or to put it bluntly, the protagonist angsts the whole time). This story puts the dilemma at the very end, then spreads all the evidence before it. Before you know what the question is, you've already shared in the experience of how Pinkie appreciates each friend in unique ways, so now you know why she can't solve this.

I think the delivery could be made stronger, though. LIke I said, the shipping aspect is slightly ambiguous, and it shouldn't be. Conversely, there's too much shipping in the center of the story, making the "twist" muddled. It's easy to see Rarity and AJ arguing all the time as romantic tension, and Fluttershy blushing over Discord also appears the same under that light. It's unclear what Pinkie thinks about any of that, whether before or after we know how she feels about them. That leads to another thing I feel is missing, but is impossible for me to tell the author how it should be done -- what surprises are revealed by reaching the end, then going back to re-examine? Not quite foreshadowing, but mysteries with double meaning.

This is the kind of slice of life that fits perfectly into a minific, because it doesn't need a narrative arc or conflict. It's embracing an everyday life that's made of magic, filled with special people and interesting observations, even when nothing's happening.

Couldn’t stomach that.

Sorry.

I mean I could go for cryptic prose, but what I get of the plot should be captivating enough to make me go ahead, like Lunna’s Ache. Here I didn’t feel enough invested to keep reading and trying to figure out what was going on.

The reward wasn’t worth the challenge.

Besides, I’d like to raise another point: this sort of piece is a torture to non-native speakers, because for each fancy word you can’t help but wondering if that’s not an obscure word you’re not aware of and open a dictionary to find out it doesn’t exist. This makes the process of reading such piece slow tedious and somehow painful.

Well yeah. The end was a classical Twilight subversion. I’m not familiar with preening fics, so I didn’t get any of the undercurrent vibes or subtext. It’s just a bit boring to me. But I agree this is a fun read, so it will land right in the middle of my slate.

What >>Ranmilia says. It’s nicely written, but I was mainly left at arm’s length. Possibility because—sorry if that sounds absurd—the characters were too spot on, so I expected a subversion that never came.

It’s a nice dialogue, AJ and R play off well one another, but that’s it. It’s like, you know, those dialogues you get in English teaching books. You read them, and wonder what do you get from them except a few additional words to write down.

Now I’m sorry if that sounds rude. It was a bit inappropriate. It’s a nice slice of life, but just one I don’t really care about, so it left me pretty unconcerned.

But that doesn’t mean you, the author, have no talent or skill. Just that you chose to strike the wrong chord.

Okay. Well, what the others say. Most of all, why is this alt NMM here? Why did she land in that universe? Why is she imprisonned? Why would ever Twilight try to reform her? After all, the alt-Celestia could be a douche, as the alt NMM claims.

The dialogue between T and NMM feels pretty solid, if a bit stereotyped, but there are really too many questions left dangling.

I may be in the minority here, as I actually liked the format and the length of the story.

Considering the constraints of mini-fics, I personally think that falling back to FIM episodes for context and writing single scenes expanding or playing with what we know is a valid tactic. It's also a risky one, because it's easy, among the deluge of stories, to miss the detail that puts everything in place. In this case, I'm pretty sure this is NMM from the Season 5 finale who followed Twilight after she disappeared from that timeline in front of her. This gives us context, but it requires to connect the sentence about RD and Rarity with that episode. Missing that, it all falls a bit apart and you'll lose your readers.

The ending needs a bit tightening, IMHO, and I think you should keep Luna from entering the scene until the second to last paragraph. I liked the horror-like conclusion was a nice touch and elevated the whole fic for me.

That said, the prose is solid, the Lines about the Friendship Dungeon are splendid and dialog flowed quite well. A bit of polishing and you have something very interesting here.

Thank you for the submission.

Lightning Review: Fantastic opening and midsection that eventually veers over the randomness cliff. I was going to put this atop my slate until about the point where the programmable calculator got mentioned; from there its comic brilliance started feeling rushed and lost lotsa luster.

Tier: Almost There

Lightning Review: Beautiful little character piece bogged down a bit by the plethora of random characters in the first act. Still packs a punch though.

Tier: Strong

Lightning Review: Extremes of emotion and narrative add up to something effective but needing polish.

Tier: Needs Work

Lightning Review: Entertaining and tense, though lacking some clarity about why the characters are in contact with each other.

Tier: Almost There

Lightning Review: I don't understand all the fuss in the reviews regarding whether these are Octavia and Vinyl. Then again, I don't really ship it either, so maybe I'm unfamiliar with the genre. Anyway, this strikes me as a very well-done attempted pickup story, and a plausible start for these two.

Tier: Strong

Lightning Review: At once both vivid and vague, this evokes a dreamlike quality of obscurity alongside its narrative, but it doesn't coalesce for me.

Tier: Needs Work

Lightning Review: It's hard for me to buy the scenario here, but I can't deny the quality of execution.

Tier: Strong

Lightning Review: Solid writing. The characters feel off to me, though. Everyone feels more adamant about their views than I feel matches their show characterization. Everyone but Spike that is, who is less adamant and folds like a house of cards.

Tier: Needs Work

Huzzah, finals slate done. :yay: Overall I feel like there are a lot of "solid" stories, but only one or two that really wowed me. High floor/low ceiling, as it were. I feel like a lot of that came from the endings, where twists or tonal shifts felt all too common. The Discord one in particular was a very near miss.

Regardless, I'm thrilled to be back in the finals, and I look forward to reading everyone else's reviews!

Top 5, subject to change:

1) Black / Flightcamp
2) Today's Special
3) Starlight Glimmer's Brand New Boinger
4) RSVP
5) Little By Little

Aaaand I just realized I forgot to tag everybody. So if you've already seen my retrospective, I apologize for my tiredness last night. >>TitaniumDragon >>Trick_Question >>AndrewRogue >>Posh >>Zaid Val'Roa

Suffers from the usual minific problem of being challenged to find enough length inside the word limit, which gives it a bit of an abrupt end, but otherwise pretty good.

I'm afraid this one didn't do anything for me, since all it seems to exist for is to set up a crossover joke of some sort that I don't get.

It also seems to exaggerate Twilight's neurosis in the process - probably part of the joke, but to me it doesn't really come off that well. I get a sense in stories that treat Twilight this way that she's treating friendship like her job, her mission - something instrumental rather than the end in itself it's supposed to be. It bothers me because this is a Twilight who *doesn't get it*, and by the point at which she's the Princess of Friendship I think she definitely gets it.

So, en medias res is a great place to start many a story, particularly minis where words are already at a premium. Throw the reader into a situation and resolve it in a short space, let them fill in the blanks.

You've got the right shape, but the problem is then you load it back down. The heart and the action are here, but you weigh it down with a lot of allusions to things that require just enough thought to put together that it pulls me out of the story. You hook just a little too much backstory into this, I think, instead of focusing it down to inform us of the information we -really need- and the action that's going on.

I also think, for a scene about physical peril, you don't quite appropriately frame the scene. This is a case where some description would be beneficial. I didn't grow up around rivers (especially urban rivers), so I end up having trouble really picturing the scene or the danger here. I mean, I know a bit about what this can look like, but you should help me out a little and really build the physical tension for me!

MLP may be one of the few franchises where you really need to distinguish which version of the setting it takes place in. This reads pretty heavily as EQG right up until near the end where it turns out it isn't, which requires a sudden shift of mental picturing.

Beyond that, the emotional whiplash here is hard. The arc itself is fine, but you need to moderate it on one end or the other. Either Cherry needs to be slightly less horrifically depressed (a good deal of it having to do with her personal life rather than professional - I realize you can have crossed successes, but it is weird that there isn't much focus on her career until it is totally relevant) or her positive reaction needs to a bit more muted.

This piece feels incomplete. Much like Swimming Against the Current, I feel there is just a little too much background missing (or not quite well enough implied) here for me to really connect with the story. And, again like Swimming Against the Current, I think the story would benefit from a little more description to really sell us on the horrifying and surreal nature of the prison Twilight exists in.

Hm, hm. The punchline is solid and reasonable, but I don't think the throughline is quite there. Early on it definitely feels like it is going on a sexual path, but I think it swerves out a bit too hard for the punchline path when it should have instead leaned into it for the punchline. Basically, I think the tone doesn't quite stay consistent enough when the joke would still be funny (and debatably funnier) if the tone remained sexual-ish.

I'll side with >>Orbiting_kettle and thus, enlarge the minority.

Since I know the season 5 finale quite well, I immediately understood what was the setting and where NMM was coming from. As for the rest of the story, you have both a complete arc (even if it's a bit tedious), and an opening for something bigger.

You know, having a minific that doesn't fully resolve the stakes but instead gives some hints to a possible sequel isn't a bad idea in itself. The challenge is to be able to balance the resolution and the opening.
If the resolution is bigger than your opening, the latter feels like a cheap way to impress your reader.
If it's the other way, the story feels pointless.
As for this story, the balance is, well, balanced for me. So good job for that.

Once again, see >>Orbiting_kettle for the rest.

Thank you for sharing, hope you'll expand it a bit.

Even though I got the reference, the story didn't really work for me, and not because it uses previous rounds, something that inevitably exlclude some of the readers.

The main problem is that this story raises an interesting topic, but doesn't resolve it.
Twilight Sparkle, being immortal, has all the time she wants to study friendship. And when she got bored because she had solved every possible friendship problem, I was thinking "yes, we're coming close to a deep concept."
I mean, immortality can't be something that an mortal creature handle casually. You want to achieve things, you want to better yourself, because you are mortal. If you make this disappear from the equation, what's left?

Now I know that you weren't going for a serious philosophical approach of that subject, and you wrote a comedy. But I still would have wanted that you address it, even if you would have simply make a joke about it.

And by the way, how's Pinkie Pie still alive after all these years? I mean, yeah, I've read multiple stories where the rest of the main six were immortal too, usually explained by "Shut up, it's magic". Is she immortal thanks to the Elements? Is their friendship so powerful it beat death? Is it because it's Pinkie Pie?

Anyway, even if it didn't work for me, the structure and the prose are quite solid to add some points to the whole. So definitely not a top slater, but far from being a bottom one.

Thank you for sharing.

Oho, we have Season 5 Finale NightmareVerse Nightmare Moon locked in a cell and trying to be reformed? Well, anything involving the NightmareVerse is pretty much My Jam (TM), and this stands up super well besides. Is it a complete story? ...Kinda. The background exposition doesn't wear out its welcome, and the bit at the end really does point towards a resolution even if it doesn't go all the way to showing us it.

Pity this isn't on my slate...

I'm surprised no one mentionned the meta in this story (at least, that's how I read it).

Basically, Starlight is having a hard time blending in with Twi and her friends, something we've seen, in the show as >>CoffeeMinion said. But do you remember when did Starlight change her mane? Between the season 5 finale and the season 6 opening, at the exact moment when she became redeemed.
Throughout the story, Starlight keeps on blowing on her 'boinger'. The name is even in the title. What is it? It's a strand of hair that's constantly in front of Starlight's face, annoying her. So she blows on it to get rid of that little annoyance, but unfortunately, it keeps coming back.

I may be digging too far but this boinger is Starlight for many bronies. I draw that conclusion especially with the last lines:

The boinger fell over her nose as she walked, and she blew it away yet again.

I'm never going to get used to this.

Even though they are trying hard to forget about Starlight Glimmer, she keeps coming back in the show. They still enjoy the episodes but Starlight annoys them, they doesn't want her to be a part of the main cast. Unfortunately, it's not for them to decide. Thus, they have to roll with it.

I absolutely love this one. It stands on its own with some great interactions, conveying deep feelings, but the meta angle makes it shine even brighter for me.

So please, >>Haze, >>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Exuno, >>Trick_Question, >>AndrewRogue, >>Ranmilia, >>TitaniumDragon, >>Winston, and>>CoffeeMinion. Give this story another chance. If you still don't agree with me, that's fine, but please try.

Thank you for sharing.

>>Fenton
I liked the story.

Everypony seems to think the more I critique a story, the lower I rate it.

This is not the true.

In fact, I read this one this morning before going to lunch in a mountain chalet, and it was fun. I agree it might feel incomplete, but I guess the nub of the story is clearly stated and exposed: Starlight will never feel at home with the main 6. It takes more to build a friendship than to state someone's your friend from now on; more specifically, it takes things done together, moments shared. It's like, you don't get married overnight with the girl/gal you just met two day ago, right?

So yeah, definitely a good read, and I sympathise very much with the Starlight who is depicted here.

I found the prose a bit awkward. There are some turns of phrase that could be more elegantly put down, and the whole comes out as very telly.

I didn’t get much of it, to say the truth. It left me pretty much indifferent. Sorry, author.

Hah. I absolutely loved the mood whiplash at the end. Good subversion, well done.

Celestia takes Medusa’s way.

I hope that does not happen for the new advisor, otherwise Canterlot’s garden risk being crammed with statues.

Brisk and nice. As the others said, it doesn’t reach for the stars, but what it does, it does it well. Flim/Flam are really the best characters for that kind of comedy.

>>Fenton
...so what you're saying is that Bronies in general have the weirdest boinger for Starlight Glimmer? :trollestia:

No, I actually like your interpretation there. And fear not, this is in my top 3 and seems unlikely to be shifted.

>>Fenton
I don't think it has anything to do with bronies; I'm pretty sure the boinger is really just representative of her larger situation within the show, with it being one more thing on top of it.

This is a sweet little story that carries its weight and then gets out of the way at the end. The speculation is amusing and keeps us wondering for a bit at the end what is really going on, and the fact that we don't see Joe's actual reactions until the end (with them being ambiguous up until that point) helps to keep the reader interested. It is a fluff piece in the end, but it is a solid one at that.

My only real question is if we're supposed to recognize his daughter at the end.

This ended up around the middle of my list, primarily because I do get what it is doing, and it actually does it, but it feels remarkably impenetrable in doing so, and I'm not sure that the impenetrability is ultimately beneficial to the piece over something else that could achieve the same purpose but be less annoying to read.

The core idea of Scootaloo's essay cheering up Miss Cheerilee is good.

Where this story goes awry is in execution.

First off, some of the features (in particular, the TV) are problematic; AFAIK, Equestia doesn't have television, which made me think this was an Equestria Girls thing for a bit, before it wasn't. I wonder if, perhaps, it might be better suited for such? In the end, set-pieces like this are meant to help establish the scene, but here it ended up being a distraction for me.

Secondly, the story has a bad case of tonal whiplash; it is okay for the story's mood to change, but this story felt kind of crude up to a point, and then veers off into fluff, which is just weird. Part of it is also that the story doesn't really feel like it sticks together; it would be stronger if we saw how her being a teacher tied into her loneliness, which would make Scootaloo's paper be more redemptive.

Thirdly, I didn't really feel like Scootaloo's paper quite worked well enough at what it did, and I think it would have been better if it hadn't been immediately identified as Scootaloo's paper and got Cheerilee's attention because Cheerilee wasn't expecting it, and then did a double take and tried to figure out who wrote it. It also just felt kind of telly in the prose surrounding it.

Someone slam a door on my fingers.

Ponies don't have fingers.

Anyway... I'm not really sure what to make of this. The responses are really the core of the story, but there isn't much else really here, and the frame story doesn't really make sense. Moreover, I feel like the middle part may have actually drug on for too long, and had too many answers and responses.

This needed more context for the emotional catharsis of Adagio saving Twilight. From an emotional context, this just didn't sell me on it, as it says they were fighting, and then shows her trying to save her and feeling grateful for some event.

This story is simultaneously too convoluted and too straightforward. We're handed the solution to Derpy's situation in a very straightforward fashion, and we're just given her being weird without enough context to show what "normal" is.

This story simply doesn't fit in 750 words; it just can't really have the desired impact within that space. You need to establish the repetition, the brokenness of the environment, better before you subvert it with Derpy and give Twilight the solution.

We're not really given enough context to get there, and I'm not sure what the point of the psychotherapy session at the end was in the greater context of the piece, save perhaps to show "Luna is fighting nightmares while these shrinks say random crap about dreams they don't understand."

I feel like this needed to be clearer about what was actually going on, and the psychiatrist scene doesn't really seem to add anything to the piece.

I'm with >>sharpspark - I liked the overall idea here, but it would be nice if we had a better idea of what was actually going on with the core conflict between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, or if we had a better idea about some greater idea. I could see that being a vehicle for something else, but there isn't anything else for it to be a vehicle for.

In other words, I'm just not sure what the point of this story is - it spends a lot of focus on Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom being in conflict, but the conflict doesn't seem to actually mean anything in a greater sense. Is it supposed to be in some greater sense reflective of Rarity and Applejack's own relationship? If so, we need a lot more context for it.

What are you trying to accomplish with this? I don't actually know, and am left guessing, and shouldn't be.

I liked this and agree with Trick that this actually does have a complete arc. That being said, I do feel like the focus of the piece could be strengthened - I do agree with Ranmillia's first point, that this story has two obvious central plots (which is actually a good thing) and the two mesh together, but could be made to do so even more strongly.

I disagree with >>Ranmilia that this didn't feel pony - the whole thing was very clearly playing off of two minor characters from the show, made good use of Fluttershy for contrast, and while it is a tonally darker look at the world, can also serve somewhat as reinforcing the central idea here (which is that physical attractiveness makes the world look at you differently). The context of the situation we know from the show (including that we know that the character is good at singing) helps.

Overall this is a good piece, and I feel that with some minor polishing this could shine very brightly. This went up towards the top of my slate.

This story feels excessively flat. The idea of Pinkie Pie thinking about her friends as desserts is cute, but if there is meant to be a central conflict here, it doesn't come through very clearly. The end seems to hint at Pinkie Pie wanting something more, having some sort of decision to make, which possibly indicates shipping, but if so, it doesn't really come through very well in the rest of the piece - there's nothing wrong with setting up a subtle, secret conflict then revealing it at the end to recontextualize the rest of the piece, but I'm not even sure if that's what this piece is trying to do, or if it is just supposed to be a fluff piece that shows how adorable Pinkie Pie is and how she thinks of her friends.

Also, I'm not sure if I understand why Fluttershy is Lemon Shyness; lemons are sweet and sour, but Fluttershy is just sweet, and the story doesn't seem to add much context to why Lemon and not something else, doubly so as some of the other characters don't actually match their colors.

I am sorry. I tried, I think I even get the gist, but this is still beyond my capabilities. I suppose it depends on my own horrid pronunciation, but I can't really get into the flow of it.

I will abstain on this one.

Still, looking at the other comments it seems I am the odd one out here, so you can discount my opinion on your entry.