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Congratulations to Haze, Haze, Haze, and GroaningGreyAgony for their medals! There were a lot of creative and amazing entries.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Fenton
>>The_Letter_J
>>wYvern
>>Kritten
>>Exuno
>>RogerDodger
>>Cold in Gardez
>>FairyRave
>>Monokeras
>>horizon
Thank you all for your feedback!
As Roger pointed out, this was done in GIMP. I was surprised to see MS Paint brought up so much--Cold in Gardez's Rem video and FairyRave's Santa video are amazing, but my MS-Paint-fu isn't anywhere close to that level. The picture was hard enough with layers.
The picture was done entirely with mouse, though--lines were either free-handed or shift-clicked for straightness. (I don't have a tablet.)
I tried looking for a reference that had this camera angle looking up at the inside of a building, but I couldn't find one, so I made my own by taking a picture of the inside of a cardboard box. This made the flower a lot bigger than I expected it to be.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Fenton
>>The_Letter_J
>>wYvern
>>Kritten
>>Exuno
>>RogerDodger
>>Cold in Gardez
>>FairyRave
>>Monokeras
>>horizon
Thank you all for your feedback!
As Roger pointed out, this was done in GIMP. I was surprised to see MS Paint brought up so much--Cold in Gardez's Rem video and FairyRave's Santa video are amazing, but my MS-Paint-fu isn't anywhere close to that level. The picture was hard enough with layers.
The picture was done entirely with mouse, though--lines were either free-handed or shift-clicked for straightness. (I don't have a tablet.)
I tried looking for a reference that had this camera angle looking up at the inside of a building, but I couldn't find one, so I made my own by taking a picture of the inside of a cardboard box. This made the flower a lot bigger than I expected it to be.
I'm sure there's lots of symbolism here, but as I have little to no knowledge on Greco-Roman mythology past watching Disney's Hercules nearly twenty years ago and what I read on Wikipedia just now, it flies over my head. It's a bit odd to see Hercule(s?) and the Grim Reaper together, though.
The story feels pretty fantastic, in the fantasy sense of the word--rooted in realism, but with touches of myth and magic. I liked that quite a bit. Felt kind of like Fables.
Hercule steals the crown of the King of Death, but it feels like the crown is merely there to give Death a reason to come after Hercule. Without giving it any inherent importance, the crown seems a bit played up--it was "less convincingly shiny and bejeweled" than the fake crowns, after all. Not that there's anything wrong with MacGuffins, but it could use some fleshing out, I think.
On that note, Hercule's motive for stealing the crown in the first place feels rather hand-waved.
The phrase "robbed the King of Death blind" appears twice, but the "blind" part of it doesn't seem to come into play during the story.
> Grimly, the figure turned.
This was cute.
The story feels pretty fantastic, in the fantasy sense of the word--rooted in realism, but with touches of myth and magic. I liked that quite a bit. Felt kind of like Fables.
Hercule steals the crown of the King of Death, but it feels like the crown is merely there to give Death a reason to come after Hercule. Without giving it any inherent importance, the crown seems a bit played up--it was "less convincingly shiny and bejeweled" than the fake crowns, after all. Not that there's anything wrong with MacGuffins, but it could use some fleshing out, I think.
On that note, Hercule's motive for stealing the crown in the first place feels rather hand-waved.
The phrase "robbed the King of Death blind" appears twice, but the "blind" part of it doesn't seem to come into play during the story.
> Grimly, the figure turned.
This was cute.
"Ronald Baloney" is a pretty interesting name, though I feel like its inclusion here detracts more than it adds to the story.
The story itself is solid, though I didn't know the source material without HiTime providing its name. And after reading its Wikipedia summary, it feels uncomfortably close to that--I feel like the author is going for homage, with the "Baloney" reference, but with little difference in story progression, it also feels more like... well, more than that. In addition, these days, the spouse is always the first suspect--this is a kind of story from the days before DNA evidence and cell phones.
Other Dahlia's dialog blocks feel sort of... well, blocky. They feel more like their own thing than speech that's integrated with the normal flow of narration. It might be good to break it up with actions or other narration, like normal dialog. In addition, Other Dahlia's voice feels kind of chuuni and cartoonish, like in Paracompact's review.
Some minor quibbles:
- Why "Little" Dahlia? For a while, I thought the main character was some kind of abused child bride.
- When she "filled a bucket from the pump", I thought this was referring to gasoline and she was going to torch the house.
- Pouring rain seems like a setting detail that's better introduced earlier in the scene. Also, it sounds like the bucket was also outside since it's mentioned after she leaves the house, so wouldn't it be full of rain water?
- Dahlia's romantic interest in the policeman seems to be brought up and then immediately brushed aside, which feels like it also detracts more than it adds to the story.
The story itself is solid, though I didn't know the source material without HiTime providing its name. And after reading its Wikipedia summary, it feels uncomfortably close to that--I feel like the author is going for homage, with the "Baloney" reference, but with little difference in story progression, it also feels more like... well, more than that. In addition, these days, the spouse is always the first suspect--this is a kind of story from the days before DNA evidence and cell phones.
Other Dahlia's dialog blocks feel sort of... well, blocky. They feel more like their own thing than speech that's integrated with the normal flow of narration. It might be good to break it up with actions or other narration, like normal dialog. In addition, Other Dahlia's voice feels kind of chuuni and cartoonish, like in Paracompact's review.
Some minor quibbles:
- Why "Little" Dahlia? For a while, I thought the main character was some kind of abused child bride.
- When she "filled a bucket from the pump", I thought this was referring to gasoline and she was going to torch the house.
- Pouring rain seems like a setting detail that's better introduced earlier in the scene. Also, it sounds like the bucket was also outside since it's mentioned after she leaves the house, so wouldn't it be full of rain water?
- Dahlia's romantic interest in the policeman seems to be brought up and then immediately brushed aside, which feels like it also detracts more than it adds to the story.
Mostly echoing what the other comments have said--this feels like the beginning of a story. It's ambitious, but unfortunately, our 900-word cap isn't well suited for it.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
According to French Wiktionary, it is Ancient Greek for "Hail," like the greeting. It looks like it can be used both for hello and goodbye.
>>Not_A_Hat
I didn't understand it at all either, so I looked it up--looks like James Ray assassinated MLK on April 4, 1968.
I didn't understand it at all either, so I looked it up--looks like James Ray assassinated MLK on April 4, 1968.