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Unheard and Unseen
Umm hi, my name is Bree Caulfield and I know that many of you will not believe what I have to tell you. I was once an ordinary seventeen year old girl with a family and friends but, that is no longer the truth. You see, I have become completely invisible to the world. This did not come to pass by what you would expect from comic books or movies. I simply woke up one day and no one could see, hear or feel my presence.
Every morning I wake up and follow the same routine, I climb down the stairs of my parents house and try to contact the family I once had. They never see me and no matter how loudly I scream they do not hear, not only that but they don’t even seem to notice that I’m gone to them! Have they forgotten me? Did I ever really exist to them?
Sorry, I’m trying to write this out as succinctly as possible but I’ve never been good at reigning in my emotions. Anyway…
I’ve tried venturing out into the world to see if it is only the family that are unable to perceive me and it seems that it’s everyone. For a little while I tried to contact other people but it’s really not going to work when you slip through objects and people, sometimes I feel a little hope when like in ghost stories they shudder when my body interacts with them but it’s only ever for a moment and I can’t contact them any further. After these excursions I just return home more dejected and depressed than ever.
I should really leave them behind and try to find a solution to my problem but how am I just supposed to walk out on my family? It doesn’t matter that they don’t remember or miss me, they are my family damn it!
Now, I hope that you properly understand my situation you care just a little. I’m really hoping that someone out there will help me, that someone can see what others cannot and are willing to return me to the world. Maybe there is someone out there who is in the same spot and wants to see if we can see each other? Any human contact would be wonderful right now.
I’ll be heading out again tomorrow but I am starting to lose hope.
I will try to reach out again but I can’t be sure if I am just lucky to be able to use this laptop or even if it will still be here when I return as it was left behind in a food court in my local mall and no matter how much I try I can’t take it with me, like it’s permanently attached to the cheap plastic table it sits on. Oh and it’s not plugged so the battery can’t last forever.
Thank you for listening to my story and once again this is Bree Caulfield, the invisible girl, signing off.
Every morning I wake up and follow the same routine, I climb down the stairs of my parents house and try to contact the family I once had. They never see me and no matter how loudly I scream they do not hear, not only that but they don’t even seem to notice that I’m gone to them! Have they forgotten me? Did I ever really exist to them?
Sorry, I’m trying to write this out as succinctly as possible but I’ve never been good at reigning in my emotions. Anyway…
I’ve tried venturing out into the world to see if it is only the family that are unable to perceive me and it seems that it’s everyone. For a little while I tried to contact other people but it’s really not going to work when you slip through objects and people, sometimes I feel a little hope when like in ghost stories they shudder when my body interacts with them but it’s only ever for a moment and I can’t contact them any further. After these excursions I just return home more dejected and depressed than ever.
I should really leave them behind and try to find a solution to my problem but how am I just supposed to walk out on my family? It doesn’t matter that they don’t remember or miss me, they are my family damn it!
Now, I hope that you properly understand my situation you care just a little. I’m really hoping that someone out there will help me, that someone can see what others cannot and are willing to return me to the world. Maybe there is someone out there who is in the same spot and wants to see if we can see each other? Any human contact would be wonderful right now.
I’ll be heading out again tomorrow but I am starting to lose hope.
I will try to reach out again but I can’t be sure if I am just lucky to be able to use this laptop or even if it will still be here when I return as it was left behind in a food court in my local mall and no matter how much I try I can’t take it with me, like it’s permanently attached to the cheap plastic table it sits on. Oh and it’s not plugged so the battery can’t last forever.
Thank you for listening to my story and once again this is Bree Caulfield, the invisible girl, signing off.
The "Nobody Can Hear or See Me" premise is a fun one to play around with, but this story didn't do a lot for me as a whole. Bree did not sound as frantic in her situation as she was trying to convey, which on its own could be an interesting facet to explore; she still hasn't processed the full impact of her situation. It also might be exciting to lead the story in a direction that makes it seem as though this is exactly the outcome she wanted. There was a hint of anxious milieu, and if that's the direction you want to go, I'd suggest pumping the gas on her anxiety so we readers can feel it, otherwise this mostly comes across as a mildly curious diary entry.
Good Stuff: I do like the premise here of a girl turned into an invisible person and forgotten about, and you've clearly got a strong idea of what you want to convey. I'd love to read about how Bree deals with her predicament and discovers the rules for what she can and can't do with the world around her. This last message idea is a great means for exploring that, similar to an epistolary novel full of letters and documents.
Bad Stuff: I got that idea because it told me up front. It's a story that demands emotion, though, so you need to use the language like a teenage girl would, and not like someone writing details for a plot summary. Also, considering how scary the premise should be for her, the writing sometimes seems way too calm and matter-of-fact when moments before it was starting to sound panicky. I agree with >>Rocket Lawn Chair's suggestion of pumping up her anxiety more to get the emotion strong. A lot of technical writing issues need to be checked, too, like run-on sentences and spelling, because they took me out of the moment at times.
Verdict: Needs Work. It's a solid idea and I applaud what you're going for, but the actual writing doesn't hit that target. It needs to be given more thought and care as to how Bree would feel and so how she would actually write this message. With that emotion and word choice nailed down, you can make the message read more convincingly and engagingly for a reader.
Bad Stuff: I got that idea because it told me up front. It's a story that demands emotion, though, so you need to use the language like a teenage girl would, and not like someone writing details for a plot summary. Also, considering how scary the premise should be for her, the writing sometimes seems way too calm and matter-of-fact when moments before it was starting to sound panicky. I agree with >>Rocket Lawn Chair's suggestion of pumping up her anxiety more to get the emotion strong. A lot of technical writing issues need to be checked, too, like run-on sentences and spelling, because they took me out of the moment at times.
Verdict: Needs Work. It's a solid idea and I applaud what you're going for, but the actual writing doesn't hit that target. It needs to be given more thought and care as to how Bree would feel and so how she would actually write this message. With that emotion and word choice nailed down, you can make the message read more convincingly and engagingly for a reader.
This is a nice beginning:
But that's all it is, just the basic introductory Person in a Place with a Problem. To turn it into a story, author, continue from here. :)
Mike
But that's all it is, just the basic introductory Person in a Place with a Problem. To turn it into a story, author, continue from here. :)
Mike
Ah well, you heard about the Occam’s razor, didn’t you? Everything that does not have a measurable effect can be safely ignored.
So your girl is dispensable.
Seriously, even for a horror/fantasy/uncanny fic, this has a lot of plot holes. The girl seems quite fine despite her sudden tranformation? No freaking out? She seems to have become a ghost and… she just accepts it :P
EDIT: Interesting interpretation by Kettle just under my review
How does she eat? How does she drink?
Why does that particular typewriter allow her to type her testimony while she seems to glide through every other object? Etc.
So, yeah, as Baal mentioned, you’ve barely introduced the conflict to us when the text draws to a close. And even that conflict is pretty much hard to swallow.
So your girl is dispensable.
Seriously, even for a horror/fantasy/uncanny fic, this has a lot of plot holes. The girl seems quite fine despite her sudden tranformation? No freaking out? She seems to have become a ghost and… she just accepts it :P
EDIT: Interesting interpretation by Kettle just under my review
How does she eat? How does she drink?
Why does that particular typewriter allow her to type her testimony while she seems to glide through every other object? Etc.
So, yeah, as Baal mentioned, you’ve barely introduced the conflict to us when the text draws to a close. And even that conflict is pretty much hard to swallow.
I should begin writing some in depth commentary tonight, but I think I should just point out my brief interpretation of this story.
It's a metaphorical story about depression and how it feels.
It's a metaphorical story about depression and how it feels.
Mostly echoing what the other comments have said--this feels like the beginning of a story. It's ambitious, but unfortunately, our 900-word cap isn't well suited for it.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
>>Filler
Well, the Occam’s razor is about privileging the hypothesis that makes the fewest assumptions. In other words, you can assume:
1.the world is full of spirits who watch us but are unable to interact with us ;
2. there are no spirits.
Occam's razor will say: pick 2. because 1. assumes something which is unproven and unprovable. Here it’s the same: if the girl is unable to interact with the real word, then the real word can safely assume she doesn’t exist.
Well, the Occam’s razor is about privileging the hypothesis that makes the fewest assumptions. In other words, you can assume:
1.the world is full of spirits who watch us but are unable to interact with us ;
2. there are no spirits.
Occam's razor will say: pick 2. because 1. assumes something which is unproven and unprovable. Here it’s the same: if the girl is unable to interact with the real word, then the real word can safely assume she doesn’t exist.
>>Monokeras
If this really is a story about depression, then that's the most depressing application of Occam's Razor I've ever seen.
If this really is a story about depression, then that's the most depressing application of Occam's Razor I've ever seen.
>>Miller Minus
No, the most depressing story about Occam’s razor is the guy who used it to slash his wrists. :P
No, the most depressing story about Occam’s razor is the guy who used it to slash his wrists. :P