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#17270 · 6
·
Alright, first time submission, let's see how it goes! Special thanks to the attendees of SadSac 2018 who helped me push it through!
#17601 · 6
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>>DumpsterDweller
So, as far as prompts go, you think...

It could have gone better
#19174 · 6
·
Alright, got the arts in! This was refreshing, I needed a little creative fun. Looking forward to seeing all the entries tomorrow!
#19751 · 5
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Oof, I certainly need more practice with original fiction...
...but ponies are so cozy...
#17384 · 2
· on The Book of Might Have Beens (half-assed)
>>Bachiavellian
>>Rao
>>HiTime
>>TitaniumDragon

This was much more feedback than thought this dingy little story would get, and I'm so grateful to have received it. In the next write-off I'll try to give back a little more!

Last-minute excuses are kind of a given at this point (especially since I'd written 4200 words of a completely different story on Saturday, then canned it Sunday morning), but you all bring up a good point in the lukewarm, underwhelming feeling of the reveal and the ending. As with most of my stories, it starts with "Ooh, neat idea!" then rides off the initial momentum until it's time to tie everything up in a neat little bow, and my fingers start fumbling with the knots.

My initial idea didn't even ride on the interaction between Luna and the journalist, and I would love to go back and give Ink more compelling motivations beyond just wanting to know what the dreams mean, and Luna more compelling reasons to conceal her secret. When I dredge through this draft with a finer comb, I'll be sure to pick up on these important details.

Regardless, I'm thrilled you folks still enjoyed it for what it was! Thank you all for your feedback!


>>dragon discord
>>GroaningGreyAgony

Ah, Liquid Confidence is a blessing and a curse!
This makes me so embarrassed to have submitted in this state. Neither this drawing nor my brain was all there. Picture a bottle of booze sitting on my shoulder, with devil horns and bat-like wings, growling "Do it..." in a gravelly Christian Bale voice. Then, posted on my other shoulder, there's a sign which reads "Out To Lunch".

I apologize for this, and commend Cold in Gardez for what was probably my favorite story of the bunch.
#17437 · 2
· on Werewolf Hunting Sucks · >>BlueChameleonVI
Kind of a supernatural noir detective vibe with some great snappy dialogue and prose. Loving his snarky attitude, and to frame beast-hunting in a Halloween setting really lets his snark shine in a lighthearted way. Though choppy stream of consciousness isn't often my cup of tea, you've executed it fairly convincingly. I do agree with Cassius regarding the profanity, and it seems to me as though it's almost used as a crutch to convey your character's frustrations sometimes.
#17441 · 2
· on Unheard and Unseen · >>HiTime
The "Nobody Can Hear or See Me" premise is a fun one to play around with, but this story didn't do a lot for me as a whole. Bree did not sound as frantic in her situation as she was trying to convey, which on its own could be an interesting facet to explore; she still hasn't processed the full impact of her situation. It also might be exciting to lead the story in a direction that makes it seem as though this is exactly the outcome she wanted. There was a hint of anxious milieu, and if that's the direction you want to go, I'd suggest pumping the gas on her anxiety so we readers can feel it, otherwise this mostly comes across as a mildly curious diary entry.
#18064 · 2
· on The Perfect Day: A Retrospective · >>BlueChameleonVI
The Perfect Day: A Retrospective: Retrospective

Whew, I almost feel like I can take the first stanza of this story and apply it to this response (though a five-out-of-eight might be a bit too generous in this case). First off, I'm humbled and grateful to everybody who took the time to read and review this schlock.

Alrighty, time for some damage control!

>>FanOfMostEverything
It is pretty surprising we managed to get two poetry entries in this round. Upon seeing the other poem, I was so glad somebody had decided to join me in this little corner of insanity so that we could huddle together and watch our entries smolder away beneath the comments.

But why did it have to be a poem to begin with? Simple answer: I woke up that Saturday morning with a fragment of a rhyme in my head, and the rest of the poem blossomed out of it. Simpler answer: It didn't have to be a poem, but I had fun making it. Maybe I had a little too much fun letting Dr. Seuss take the wheel on certain lines, while others felt like yanking prosaic teeth out of my mouth. I put so much focus on forcing the rhymes to work that the story fell to the wayside, ultimately relying too heavily on source material, as >>Pascoite can attest. Glad to know some bits of it were still fun to you!

>>BlueChameleonVI
Ah, my fellow experimental poet! Glad you stopped by to offer your thoughts. You're correct in that this rhyme scheme seems ill-fitted to this story, and unfortunately I don't have a great justification for it. Once again, I wanted to try something that was unfamiliar to me (as you seem to have done as well). I wanted something with a bounce, and spent so much time wondering if I could that I didn't stop to think whether I should, to vaguely quote Jeff Goldblum. Though I'm sure somebody has used this scheme before, I've never seen it.

For the story, I wanted to use the Canterlot Wedding as a framing device to layer in a new, unique perspective from Chrys, displaying her as at once both the grouchy ruler and oddly-devoted mother. But, as the poem took over, I began to lean too heavily on known material for support, leaving only scraps of the originality I wanted to include.

If I send it through the wringer again, these are the two main issues that will be ironed out, though I somewhat doubt that it'll retain its poetic form. As I think we both learned, poetry can be a testy endeavor. Thanks for sharing in its struggle with me!

>>Trick_Question
Yup. Definitely agree with the length being an issue. It was right on the border of my patience at 4 a.m., that's for sure!

>>No_Raisin
So...

When I saw your first comment, I kinda shrugged it off. It's difficult to win over somebody's tastes on an experiment. But I wholly appreciate the brutal honesty that came with it.

I'm also glad you decided to come back for a re-review to let me know that you didn't hold some deep, personal grudge against me for the monster that I'd created.

The bits where you see where Chrysalis' characterization get pushed is, I believe, where I tried bending the story so that it became something other than a rehash. It wasn't very tactful, I'll grant you, and it tread over her character unceremoniously in spots. If I remake this in the future, I'm going to push those elements further as an alternate-universe version of Chrysalis, because I had an awful lot of fun imagining her that way.

You also noticed certain rhymes were fractured and jarring, which I'll chock up to being a product of the unorthodox rhyme scheme I attempted to use. If you saw the rougher cut of this, you'd be pulling your hair out; I had contorted words to the point where they were practically licking their own backsides.

>>CoffeeMinion
Hey, I'm glad you got an overall positive vibe from this little ditty! Your concerns are warranted, and likely addressed in the previous replies.

Thanks again for stopping by to read and comment, all of you! Some might say it was ill-advised to post this story to the write-off at all, but there are always so many helpful people like you to offer constructive feedback and help folks develop their techniques. The hope is with each new failure, there's the prospect of a new success. I may not try poetry again for a while (though I might slip in a smaller dose) but this was a delight nonetheless!

(Oh, and the art piece that this inspired pretty much made the whole experiment worthwhile on its own. Major props to the artist!)
#18370 · 2
· on Soft Stitches
>>Trick_Question
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Hap
>>No_Raisin
>>Chris
>>Bachiavellian
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Moosetasm
>>BlueChameleonVI

Thank you all so much for your wonderful, supportive feedback! Generally people seemed to enjoy this little window into Spike's life, and for those who I left a little more confused, I understand your confusion. Originally I'd intended to build the story around Spike feeling ashamed for something over which he had no control, but from the very first sentence the story wanted to become something different.

This is a case where the story knew better what it wanted to be than I did, if that makes any sense. Thankfully my bumbling hands didn't outright destroy it, and I think I can easily sympathize with Spike's anxiety over the possibility of mishandling my creations.

Anyway, with the help of all your fantastic comments, I'm going to focus the themes of this story and hopefully publish it to fimfic sometime in the coming week.

And, of course, congratulations to this round's winners! This was a fantastic write-off and I hope to see y'all in the next one!

>>georg

Guess I better catch up on show lore, huh? Thanks for the tip!
#18779 · 2
· on Rockhoof's Dilemma · >>BlueChameleonVI
I recently finished Neil Gaiman's "Norse Mythology", and after reading the first few paragraphs of this story, I was ready to dive into some delicious campy fable of titanic feats enveloping a nougaty moral message for all ages to enjoy.

It's probably unfair to say that I was hoping to read something more along those lines, with Rockhoof wielding his mighty hammer shovel, carving out entire valleys in a day, only to discover that he can't solve all his problems that way. That's not the kind of story you were aiming for, but that's the kind of story it was shaping up to be with your style of storytelling. And it's certainly a style you have a very solid grasp of, make no mistake! (That I'm comparing you to some of Neil Gaiman's work is definitely a compliment).

I love the style you use, and the message you're aiming to convey is a good one, especially for young foals to learn. But I think young foals would get confused or bored around your boldfaced philosophy. They'd rather be hearing about Rockhoof smashing mountains to bits with his shovel, or some other mythical feats with moral dilemmas worked into them. Since Rockhoof is a canonically real character, you might have been aiming for a more believable story. But I wouldn't be surprised if, over time, stories about him began to include mythical feats after many re-tellings, similar to figures like Paul Bunyan or John Henry. Once again, that's probably not the type of story you were trying to tell, but I personally think the elements of morality+fable work better when you imagine your audience is made up of all ages, especially children.

Overall, I liked the strong storytelling voice and the expanded tale of Rockhoof. I wish there were more exploding mountains, but maybe that's just me.