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Putri Jaran
It is a gloomy morning when the Equestrians arrive and Miss Sparkle banishes the rain spirits. It is also then that I decide she will be my bride.
Our teacher lets the entire schoolhouse out early so everyone can gallop to hear Miss Sparkle’s speech. “Wait for me!” my little sister, Tresna, shouts, buried in the sea of students. “Kesu, please!”
Faking a lion’s growl, I dive back into the mob and pull her onto my back. “Do not whine,” I say as she buries her face into my cap. I sprint forward, joining the pack. “And hold on. We will not be late!”
The dirt roads are still muddy and the air is still humid, but that does not stop every member of our village from making their way to the marketplace, where Miss Sparkle is stood atop a massive platform, smiling down at us with teeth so white I swear they are clouds.
My schoolmates do not listen, instead playing in the puddles, but I drag Tresna through the crowd until we find a large box to climb onto. From there, we sit and listen to Miss Sparkle as she explains that our village is entering a new era.
“Ponies of Piandel!” she cries, sparking a jubilant roar. “Today is a day that will be written about for centuries to come! After many months of discussion, your leaders and I have finally come to an agreement—starting today, with the signing of the Canterlot-Piandel Annexation Act, your island is now an official Equestrian territory!”
The crowd roars even louder. My throat burns from screaming, trying to raise my voice above everypony else, so Miss Sparkle might notice me.
Tresna looks up at me. “What is a annixshun?”
With a smile, I say, “I do not know!”
“Annexation,” corrects Pinter, an older classmate of mine standing nearby. He squeezes his pudgy gut through the crowd to reach us. “It means we are all going to become Equestrians, just like the Princess.”
The thought strikes me like a falling star. I have always heard about Equestria in books, from travelers passing through—I have heard about the homes made of silver, of the brilliant jewels that run through the earth itself. We already learn their language in school; many of us speak it well. Equestria, where everypony can fly, can cast spells with the greatest of ease.
Miss Sparkle is only proof of that. Just looking upon her is to fall into a lightning cloud—her sharp horn and long wings radiate power. She must be a child of the goddess, walking with us mortals merely out of pity, out of mercy, out of love. Miss Sparkle loves me, and I love her.
“Kesu, you are turning red!” Tresna says, dragging my mind back to reality. “Are you going to explode?”
By now, Miss Sparkle’s speech has ended, and she is leaving the platform, followed by two golden-clad soldiers. I pick Tresna up and haul her off our Around us, the children cheer, along with many adults—but most are just milling about, murmuring in hushed tones, shooting quick glances at Miss Sparkle, and at the dozens of identical soldiers that line the streets.
I can see their wings, but their horns must be hidden under their helmets. They look so strange, standing in a row like they are, all perfectly white but for the mud on their hooves. Compared to our loud, colorful village, they seem like statues, carved out of the finest stone.
They stay silent, staring forward, completely still—even when Kelon Tong, the elderly fruit grocer, spits in each of their faces.
“I never serve!” he shrieks in broken Equestrian. “You leave!”
A number of our stallions soon step up to drag Kelon away, but I wish the rain spirits would return and wash him into the sea. How could he say such awful things to the Equestrians? Especially in the presence of Miss Sparkle, the most wonderful of them all? He is a disgrace to Piandel, and does not deserve Miss Sparkle’s love.
The next day, Tresna and I walk into the schoolhouse to find Miss Sparkle standing at the front of the classroom, a dozen colts and fillies clinging to her legs and wings. Her open-mouthed laugh is music, and I cannot stop myself from leaping onto the pile, clawing my way forward until I can run my hoof along even an inch of her coat.
When our teacher finally herds us back, Miss Sparkle smiles that divine smile and starts speaking in the most perfectly mangled Piandese I have ever heard.
She thanks us for our bathrooms, and asks if our parents have flown palm trees. It is only when our teacher steps in and tells her that she can speak Equestrian that her wings stop twitching and her face unscrunches.
“Yes, this is much better,” she says. “Hello, everyone! My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I’m visiting you all today to tell you about some of the things that are going on with your island.”
I have never felt as much pride for my village as I do in that moment. Miss Sparkle, the most powerful pony in the world, wants something to do with us? It is unthinkable.
Lighting her horn, she says, “I know that politics can get a bit boring, so I’ll try to keep things short.” With her magic, she creates a map of the world, which earns a gasp from the entire class. She pauses for a moment, staring at us—then shakes her head and gestures to the map. “As you can see here, Equestria and Piandel are remarkably close together; by boat, it’s only a single day’s journey. Our two civilizations have been trading goods for years, so finally, we just decided it would be in everypony’s best interest if Piandel became Equestrian land! That way we don’t have to trade—your goods are our goods, and vice versa.”
We all nod. Makes sense.
She creates another picture, this time of a familiar red fruit. “In addition, as you might know, the daya fruit—which only grows natively on your island—is extremely popular in Equestria as a magic enhancer for unicorns. Citizens in the capital can’t get enough of it! So we’ve also come to help speed up harvesting of the fruit.” Her pictures vanish into smoke, and her horn goes dark. “Any questions?”
Our class sits silent, staring, waiting for her horn to light up again.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Miss Sparkle says with a giggle. She grins and looks to our teacher. “And since these kids were all such good listeners... why don’t we take an early recess?”
If our teacher says something, nopony hears it over the unified cheer of the classroom. We all gallop outside, with Miss Sparkle following close behind.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. Miss Sparkle, the goddess walking among us, knows how to play tag, and soccer, and all the other games we play. She tells us stories, and lets us climb onto her back so we might fly with the birds as she does.
“Putri Jaran!” we cry, screaming loud enough for the stars to hear. “Princess of Ponies!”
The day is nearly spent when I get my turn to fly with Miss Sparkle. I grip her neck tight, the distance to the ground heavy on my gut. The wind blows the hat from my head, but Miss Sparkle grabs it with her magic.
“Don’t be afraid,” she says, placing it back on me. “Just relax.”
If I can fly, I figure, then I can say what I need to say.
“Miss Sparkle,” I start before I can think twice, “you are very pretty.”
“Oh?” Miss Sparkle laughs. “Why, thank you! I really love your hat.”
Suddenly, I’ve never felt so warm. We must be flying close to the sun.
Every week, more and more soldiers arrive in town. They march in single-file lines down the roads, making everyone clear a path for them. They hold their spears up high, glinting like lit torches in the harsh sunlight.
By now, the new daya fruit harvests have begun. The Equestrian soldiers follow the workers out into the fields, and stay on patrol the entire day. Every day, bushel after bushel is brought back into town, some for us, and some for the Equestrians. We’ve never had so much fruit in the market! The Equestrians must have the favor of the tree spirits—how else could the workers pick so much fruit so fast?
When they’re not in the fields, the soldiers hang out around their new base in the center of town. But they don’t just sit around being lazy! They help out around the island, catching criminals and enforcing the new laws.
Being an Equestrian is a lot of hard work! There are all these new rules, like how you need permission from the soldiers to sell fruit now, or how my parents need to pay some money each week to help build things over in Equestria. And even though they’re not laws, the Equestrians keep telling us to do strange things like salute the soldiers whenever we see them—which is about fifty times a day—and not talk during the sunrise and sunset.
One day, Miss Twilight comes and tells everyone that they need to stay up all night to watch the other Princess, Celestia, raise the sun. That gets everyone confused; who is Celestia, and what is she doing with the sun? Only the goddess can move the sun, we know that.
Still, we all stay up—or try to. The sun has barely set when Tresna falls asleep, and in the town square, at least a dozen workers collapse after picking fruit all day. That makes some of the soldiers mad, so they kick the sleeping workers, which starts a fight, and now the workers are all in jail. They shouldn’t have fallen asleep when Miss Twilight said not to.
The next day, even though we all want to skip school and sleep, we trudge to our desks to hear Miss Sparkle speak about tradition.
“Oh, what an exciting time for you all! I still remember my first Summer Sun Festival,” she says, staring off into space. “Being an Equestrian means sharing in traditional Equestrian customs. These are all meaningful ceremonies and rituals, with centuries of history behind them! Just another wonderful thing about this great country of ours.”
“We have many traditions of our own!” our teacher says. “Right, students?”
“Yes, sir,” says Pinta. “Like the Nature Praise, where we give thanks for all the spirits have given us over the year.”
“I... suppose,” Miss Twilight says, frowning. “But ours are a bit different. Our traditions have very special meaning, and are practiced by pretty much everyone.”
Our teacher nods. “Like the Nature Praise.”
Miss Twilight’s frown doesn’t fade. “Sure.”
“Idiocy,” says Father at dinner that night, chewing his fruit with the ferocity of a barracuda. “Stupid, stupid. We are Piandese, not Equestrian! We do not need their silly games!”
Mother nods.
“We are not Equestrians,” Father repeats. “They only say we are so they can take our hard work.
“We are,” I say, trying not to scowl. Scowling at one’s parents is awful, forbidden by the goddess. “Miss Sparkle says so.”
“And what does she know?” Father asks. “Who is she, with her fat wings and the hard dick on her head?”
Now I cannot hide my scowl. How could he say such a thing? Does he not see Miss Sparkle’s care for us?
“You are named Kesu because you are blessed by the spirits of innocence,” Mother said gently, touching my hoof. She reaches over to run a hooftip through Tresna’s pink locks. “And Tresna, the spirits of love. You are Piandese. What is a ‘Twilight?’ Or a ‘Celestia?’ Nothing.”
But if Celestia is nothing, then why did the Equestrians place a massive fountain, adorned with a statue in her image, in the middle of the market where everyone can see it? She looks even more powerful than Miss Twilight—but not half as beautiful.
I know Miss Sparkle is right. She must simply teach us.
Two months after the soldiers first arrived, the fruit pickers and farm workers stage a protest.
“We are working harder than ever!” their leader, Enom, cries, stirring the crowd up, “And yet, we are paid less than ever! The Equestrians do not care for our labor—they merely wish to use us!”
The rally begins at noon, and within an hour has grown four times as large. Ponies from all over town leave work to join in, scrounging up makeshift signs and chanting in unison. Even my parents, as diligent about work as they usually are, make their way to the market to show their support.
Things are going well—until the crowd draws too near the soldiers’ barracks. Like a beehive poked too often, a swarm of soldiers, all holding their spears high, spill out of the cabins and into the street to meet the protesters.
At the sight of that polished steel, most of the crowd makes a hasty retreat, scrambling over one another to escape. But a few stay—the younger workers, the ones who have more to fight for, more to lose—puffing up their chests and daring the soldiers to do something. Enom stands at the front, cursing in Piandese so hard his tongue lashes like a whip.
With the workers letting out a scream of surprise, a single soldier leaps forward and snatches Enom away from his friends. He screams and kicks, but five more soldiers soon pile on top of him and drag him away towards the jail. The others try to chase after, but are beaten back by the blunt end of the soldiers’ spears, until they have to make a retreat or face true violence.
Most criminals are held in jail for a few days, a week at most. But it has been a month and no one has seen Enom. Some say he has been murdered, his throat slit by a soldier’s spear. Others say he became one of them, brainwashed, his blue coat dyed white and wings grafted onto his sides.
I am sure he will be back soon enough. Perhaps he left town out of shame? No one likes a troublemaker, after all.
A few nights later, someone cuts the head off the Celestia statue. We awake to find it laying in the fountain, its snout cracked in two.
Miss Twilight arrives soon after, and she is not smiling. She takes her place on the wooden platform, the same spot she stood when she announced eternal happiness for our island, and shouts that we are disgraceful.
“This is just—barbaric!” Miss Twilight says, shaking her head. “The people of Equestria took you all in because we see the beauty in your culture. This is not beauty, this is vandalism! Please, do not ruin this friendship!”
Father and Mother begin hosting meetings in our home, allowing farmers and merchants and fruit pickers alike to gather and talk about current events, away from the scrying eyes of the Equestrian soldiers. On any given night, there are twenty ponies in our living room, shouting and making plans for more protests.
They never go any better than the first. More people disappear.
Miss Twilight visits less often, and when she does, she seems less happy to see us, less willing to play. She merely stands at the front of the classroom and says that Equestria is a wonderful country. We merely need to accept the facts.
My classmates have taken to calling her a devil. I stay silent, and keep my head down.
It is a burning summer day when a dozen soldiers descend upon the marketplace, shoving their way through the crowds until they find Kelon Tong, the elderly fruit grocer. Immediately, everyone knows what is about to happen: Kelon has been selling daya fruit without a license. Everything in the market—everything on the island—stops.
“Not touch this!” Kelon shouts through bare gums as the soldiers approach. “Lunga! Go away!”
“C’mon, old colt,” a soldier says. He grabs one end of Kelon’s cart. “Don’t make this harder than it’s gotta be.” The soldier pulls the cart, and drags Kelon along with it.
Kelon, old and decrepit as he is, is strong from years of hauling fruit—he pulls back.
The soldier is snorting now. He pulls again, harder.
Kelon pulls back, harder.
The soldier now calls over a friend to help. The two pull together, finally hard enough to snatch it from Kelon’s grasp—and hard enough to make the cart crash into them, throwing them into the mud.
“Hey!” a soldier shouts, and another tackles Kelon to the ground. Everyone watches in silent horror as the soldiers pound their hooves into Kelon’s side, his face, his stomach, over and over until he’s just twitching on the ground.
One of the muddy troops picks Kelon’s body up and lets it rest across his back. The soldiers walk off, away from the crime scene, and away from the unblinking stares of their fellow Equestrians.
We do not know where he has gone. I want to ask Miss Twilight, but she has not visited in weeks.
It is October before Miss Twilight visits again. She stands at the front of our classroom, smiling like nothing has happened in the past six months.
“Sorry it’s been so long, friends!” Miss Twilight says. She paces in front of our desks. “I’ve just been so busy, you know? Politics are boring and complicated, but things are going well. Don’t you think so?”
She extends a wing to touch the shoulder of Wedi, a tiny filly at the front of the class, but Wedi flinches away. Miss Twilight steps back, smile dying into a concerned frown.
We all want to tell her that Wedi is scared—that she’s been scared for months, ever since her older brother Enom went missing.
“Anyway,” Twilight said, laughing dryly as she walks back to the front of the classroom, “unfortunately, I can’t stay for too long. I have a meeting scheduled with the island council about repairing Princess Celestia’s statue, and—”
My hoof shoots up and I can see my teacher’s glare, but I cannot stop myself. The question has been burning in my mind, on my tongue, ever since Miss Twilight walked in, and I barely wait for her to call my name before I blurt, “Princess, where is Kelon?”
Miss Twilight blinks. “Who?”
“Kelon. He sells fruit.”
“Fruit...? Oh!” Miss Twilight nodded. “Yes, yes, Kelon! Kelon Kong.”
I nod.
“Well, he was arrested, as you know,” Miss Twilight said. She chuckled and shook her head. “I don’t exactly know how things worked here before, but you should all know that you can’t just attack a group of soldiers like he did. That’s why we have laws, a criminal justice system!” She paused, then said, “You all probably don’t know what a criminal justice system is, do you? You see, a crim—”
“When is he coming back?” I ask.
Miss Twilight blinks a few times. “I don’t know. It’s not up to me.”
How can it not be up to her, I scream in my head. She is the Putri Jaran, the Princess of All Ponies! She holds the power of the goddess in her horn!
But I just mutter, “Okay.”
“You shouldn’t worry,” says Twilight. “Equestrian soldiers are kind folk. He’ll get a fair trial, and if he’s declared innocent, he’ll be back soon.” She laughs again and looks at my classmates. “Take it as a lesson: don’t attack soldiers, and you’ll be fine. Alright?”
No one answers.
Our teacher lets the entire schoolhouse out early so everyone can gallop to hear Miss Sparkle’s speech. “Wait for me!” my little sister, Tresna, shouts, buried in the sea of students. “Kesu, please!”
Faking a lion’s growl, I dive back into the mob and pull her onto my back. “Do not whine,” I say as she buries her face into my cap. I sprint forward, joining the pack. “And hold on. We will not be late!”
The dirt roads are still muddy and the air is still humid, but that does not stop every member of our village from making their way to the marketplace, where Miss Sparkle is stood atop a massive platform, smiling down at us with teeth so white I swear they are clouds.
My schoolmates do not listen, instead playing in the puddles, but I drag Tresna through the crowd until we find a large box to climb onto. From there, we sit and listen to Miss Sparkle as she explains that our village is entering a new era.
“Ponies of Piandel!” she cries, sparking a jubilant roar. “Today is a day that will be written about for centuries to come! After many months of discussion, your leaders and I have finally come to an agreement—starting today, with the signing of the Canterlot-Piandel Annexation Act, your island is now an official Equestrian territory!”
The crowd roars even louder. My throat burns from screaming, trying to raise my voice above everypony else, so Miss Sparkle might notice me.
Tresna looks up at me. “What is a annixshun?”
With a smile, I say, “I do not know!”
“Annexation,” corrects Pinter, an older classmate of mine standing nearby. He squeezes his pudgy gut through the crowd to reach us. “It means we are all going to become Equestrians, just like the Princess.”
The thought strikes me like a falling star. I have always heard about Equestria in books, from travelers passing through—I have heard about the homes made of silver, of the brilliant jewels that run through the earth itself. We already learn their language in school; many of us speak it well. Equestria, where everypony can fly, can cast spells with the greatest of ease.
Miss Sparkle is only proof of that. Just looking upon her is to fall into a lightning cloud—her sharp horn and long wings radiate power. She must be a child of the goddess, walking with us mortals merely out of pity, out of mercy, out of love. Miss Sparkle loves me, and I love her.
“Kesu, you are turning red!” Tresna says, dragging my mind back to reality. “Are you going to explode?”
By now, Miss Sparkle’s speech has ended, and she is leaving the platform, followed by two golden-clad soldiers. I pick Tresna up and haul her off our Around us, the children cheer, along with many adults—but most are just milling about, murmuring in hushed tones, shooting quick glances at Miss Sparkle, and at the dozens of identical soldiers that line the streets.
I can see their wings, but their horns must be hidden under their helmets. They look so strange, standing in a row like they are, all perfectly white but for the mud on their hooves. Compared to our loud, colorful village, they seem like statues, carved out of the finest stone.
They stay silent, staring forward, completely still—even when Kelon Tong, the elderly fruit grocer, spits in each of their faces.
“I never serve!” he shrieks in broken Equestrian. “You leave!”
A number of our stallions soon step up to drag Kelon away, but I wish the rain spirits would return and wash him into the sea. How could he say such awful things to the Equestrians? Especially in the presence of Miss Sparkle, the most wonderful of them all? He is a disgrace to Piandel, and does not deserve Miss Sparkle’s love.
The next day, Tresna and I walk into the schoolhouse to find Miss Sparkle standing at the front of the classroom, a dozen colts and fillies clinging to her legs and wings. Her open-mouthed laugh is music, and I cannot stop myself from leaping onto the pile, clawing my way forward until I can run my hoof along even an inch of her coat.
When our teacher finally herds us back, Miss Sparkle smiles that divine smile and starts speaking in the most perfectly mangled Piandese I have ever heard.
She thanks us for our bathrooms, and asks if our parents have flown palm trees. It is only when our teacher steps in and tells her that she can speak Equestrian that her wings stop twitching and her face unscrunches.
“Yes, this is much better,” she says. “Hello, everyone! My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I’m visiting you all today to tell you about some of the things that are going on with your island.”
I have never felt as much pride for my village as I do in that moment. Miss Sparkle, the most powerful pony in the world, wants something to do with us? It is unthinkable.
Lighting her horn, she says, “I know that politics can get a bit boring, so I’ll try to keep things short.” With her magic, she creates a map of the world, which earns a gasp from the entire class. She pauses for a moment, staring at us—then shakes her head and gestures to the map. “As you can see here, Equestria and Piandel are remarkably close together; by boat, it’s only a single day’s journey. Our two civilizations have been trading goods for years, so finally, we just decided it would be in everypony’s best interest if Piandel became Equestrian land! That way we don’t have to trade—your goods are our goods, and vice versa.”
We all nod. Makes sense.
She creates another picture, this time of a familiar red fruit. “In addition, as you might know, the daya fruit—which only grows natively on your island—is extremely popular in Equestria as a magic enhancer for unicorns. Citizens in the capital can’t get enough of it! So we’ve also come to help speed up harvesting of the fruit.” Her pictures vanish into smoke, and her horn goes dark. “Any questions?”
Our class sits silent, staring, waiting for her horn to light up again.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Miss Sparkle says with a giggle. She grins and looks to our teacher. “And since these kids were all such good listeners... why don’t we take an early recess?”
If our teacher says something, nopony hears it over the unified cheer of the classroom. We all gallop outside, with Miss Sparkle following close behind.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. Miss Sparkle, the goddess walking among us, knows how to play tag, and soccer, and all the other games we play. She tells us stories, and lets us climb onto her back so we might fly with the birds as she does.
“Putri Jaran!” we cry, screaming loud enough for the stars to hear. “Princess of Ponies!”
The day is nearly spent when I get my turn to fly with Miss Sparkle. I grip her neck tight, the distance to the ground heavy on my gut. The wind blows the hat from my head, but Miss Sparkle grabs it with her magic.
“Don’t be afraid,” she says, placing it back on me. “Just relax.”
If I can fly, I figure, then I can say what I need to say.
“Miss Sparkle,” I start before I can think twice, “you are very pretty.”
“Oh?” Miss Sparkle laughs. “Why, thank you! I really love your hat.”
Suddenly, I’ve never felt so warm. We must be flying close to the sun.
Every week, more and more soldiers arrive in town. They march in single-file lines down the roads, making everyone clear a path for them. They hold their spears up high, glinting like lit torches in the harsh sunlight.
By now, the new daya fruit harvests have begun. The Equestrian soldiers follow the workers out into the fields, and stay on patrol the entire day. Every day, bushel after bushel is brought back into town, some for us, and some for the Equestrians. We’ve never had so much fruit in the market! The Equestrians must have the favor of the tree spirits—how else could the workers pick so much fruit so fast?
When they’re not in the fields, the soldiers hang out around their new base in the center of town. But they don’t just sit around being lazy! They help out around the island, catching criminals and enforcing the new laws.
Being an Equestrian is a lot of hard work! There are all these new rules, like how you need permission from the soldiers to sell fruit now, or how my parents need to pay some money each week to help build things over in Equestria. And even though they’re not laws, the Equestrians keep telling us to do strange things like salute the soldiers whenever we see them—which is about fifty times a day—and not talk during the sunrise and sunset.
One day, Miss Twilight comes and tells everyone that they need to stay up all night to watch the other Princess, Celestia, raise the sun. That gets everyone confused; who is Celestia, and what is she doing with the sun? Only the goddess can move the sun, we know that.
Still, we all stay up—or try to. The sun has barely set when Tresna falls asleep, and in the town square, at least a dozen workers collapse after picking fruit all day. That makes some of the soldiers mad, so they kick the sleeping workers, which starts a fight, and now the workers are all in jail. They shouldn’t have fallen asleep when Miss Twilight said not to.
The next day, even though we all want to skip school and sleep, we trudge to our desks to hear Miss Sparkle speak about tradition.
“Oh, what an exciting time for you all! I still remember my first Summer Sun Festival,” she says, staring off into space. “Being an Equestrian means sharing in traditional Equestrian customs. These are all meaningful ceremonies and rituals, with centuries of history behind them! Just another wonderful thing about this great country of ours.”
“We have many traditions of our own!” our teacher says. “Right, students?”
“Yes, sir,” says Pinta. “Like the Nature Praise, where we give thanks for all the spirits have given us over the year.”
“I... suppose,” Miss Twilight says, frowning. “But ours are a bit different. Our traditions have very special meaning, and are practiced by pretty much everyone.”
Our teacher nods. “Like the Nature Praise.”
Miss Twilight’s frown doesn’t fade. “Sure.”
“Idiocy,” says Father at dinner that night, chewing his fruit with the ferocity of a barracuda. “Stupid, stupid. We are Piandese, not Equestrian! We do not need their silly games!”
Mother nods.
“We are not Equestrians,” Father repeats. “They only say we are so they can take our hard work.
“We are,” I say, trying not to scowl. Scowling at one’s parents is awful, forbidden by the goddess. “Miss Sparkle says so.”
“And what does she know?” Father asks. “Who is she, with her fat wings and the hard dick on her head?”
Now I cannot hide my scowl. How could he say such a thing? Does he not see Miss Sparkle’s care for us?
“You are named Kesu because you are blessed by the spirits of innocence,” Mother said gently, touching my hoof. She reaches over to run a hooftip through Tresna’s pink locks. “And Tresna, the spirits of love. You are Piandese. What is a ‘Twilight?’ Or a ‘Celestia?’ Nothing.”
But if Celestia is nothing, then why did the Equestrians place a massive fountain, adorned with a statue in her image, in the middle of the market where everyone can see it? She looks even more powerful than Miss Twilight—but not half as beautiful.
I know Miss Sparkle is right. She must simply teach us.
Two months after the soldiers first arrived, the fruit pickers and farm workers stage a protest.
“We are working harder than ever!” their leader, Enom, cries, stirring the crowd up, “And yet, we are paid less than ever! The Equestrians do not care for our labor—they merely wish to use us!”
The rally begins at noon, and within an hour has grown four times as large. Ponies from all over town leave work to join in, scrounging up makeshift signs and chanting in unison. Even my parents, as diligent about work as they usually are, make their way to the market to show their support.
Things are going well—until the crowd draws too near the soldiers’ barracks. Like a beehive poked too often, a swarm of soldiers, all holding their spears high, spill out of the cabins and into the street to meet the protesters.
At the sight of that polished steel, most of the crowd makes a hasty retreat, scrambling over one another to escape. But a few stay—the younger workers, the ones who have more to fight for, more to lose—puffing up their chests and daring the soldiers to do something. Enom stands at the front, cursing in Piandese so hard his tongue lashes like a whip.
With the workers letting out a scream of surprise, a single soldier leaps forward and snatches Enom away from his friends. He screams and kicks, but five more soldiers soon pile on top of him and drag him away towards the jail. The others try to chase after, but are beaten back by the blunt end of the soldiers’ spears, until they have to make a retreat or face true violence.
Most criminals are held in jail for a few days, a week at most. But it has been a month and no one has seen Enom. Some say he has been murdered, his throat slit by a soldier’s spear. Others say he became one of them, brainwashed, his blue coat dyed white and wings grafted onto his sides.
I am sure he will be back soon enough. Perhaps he left town out of shame? No one likes a troublemaker, after all.
A few nights later, someone cuts the head off the Celestia statue. We awake to find it laying in the fountain, its snout cracked in two.
Miss Twilight arrives soon after, and she is not smiling. She takes her place on the wooden platform, the same spot she stood when she announced eternal happiness for our island, and shouts that we are disgraceful.
“This is just—barbaric!” Miss Twilight says, shaking her head. “The people of Equestria took you all in because we see the beauty in your culture. This is not beauty, this is vandalism! Please, do not ruin this friendship!”
Father and Mother begin hosting meetings in our home, allowing farmers and merchants and fruit pickers alike to gather and talk about current events, away from the scrying eyes of the Equestrian soldiers. On any given night, there are twenty ponies in our living room, shouting and making plans for more protests.
They never go any better than the first. More people disappear.
Miss Twilight visits less often, and when she does, she seems less happy to see us, less willing to play. She merely stands at the front of the classroom and says that Equestria is a wonderful country. We merely need to accept the facts.
My classmates have taken to calling her a devil. I stay silent, and keep my head down.
It is a burning summer day when a dozen soldiers descend upon the marketplace, shoving their way through the crowds until they find Kelon Tong, the elderly fruit grocer. Immediately, everyone knows what is about to happen: Kelon has been selling daya fruit without a license. Everything in the market—everything on the island—stops.
“Not touch this!” Kelon shouts through bare gums as the soldiers approach. “Lunga! Go away!”
“C’mon, old colt,” a soldier says. He grabs one end of Kelon’s cart. “Don’t make this harder than it’s gotta be.” The soldier pulls the cart, and drags Kelon along with it.
Kelon, old and decrepit as he is, is strong from years of hauling fruit—he pulls back.
The soldier is snorting now. He pulls again, harder.
Kelon pulls back, harder.
The soldier now calls over a friend to help. The two pull together, finally hard enough to snatch it from Kelon’s grasp—and hard enough to make the cart crash into them, throwing them into the mud.
“Hey!” a soldier shouts, and another tackles Kelon to the ground. Everyone watches in silent horror as the soldiers pound their hooves into Kelon’s side, his face, his stomach, over and over until he’s just twitching on the ground.
One of the muddy troops picks Kelon’s body up and lets it rest across his back. The soldiers walk off, away from the crime scene, and away from the unblinking stares of their fellow Equestrians.
We do not know where he has gone. I want to ask Miss Twilight, but she has not visited in weeks.
It is October before Miss Twilight visits again. She stands at the front of our classroom, smiling like nothing has happened in the past six months.
“Sorry it’s been so long, friends!” Miss Twilight says. She paces in front of our desks. “I’ve just been so busy, you know? Politics are boring and complicated, but things are going well. Don’t you think so?”
She extends a wing to touch the shoulder of Wedi, a tiny filly at the front of the class, but Wedi flinches away. Miss Twilight steps back, smile dying into a concerned frown.
We all want to tell her that Wedi is scared—that she’s been scared for months, ever since her older brother Enom went missing.
“Anyway,” Twilight said, laughing dryly as she walks back to the front of the classroom, “unfortunately, I can’t stay for too long. I have a meeting scheduled with the island council about repairing Princess Celestia’s statue, and—”
My hoof shoots up and I can see my teacher’s glare, but I cannot stop myself. The question has been burning in my mind, on my tongue, ever since Miss Twilight walked in, and I barely wait for her to call my name before I blurt, “Princess, where is Kelon?”
Miss Twilight blinks. “Who?”
“Kelon. He sells fruit.”
“Fruit...? Oh!” Miss Twilight nodded. “Yes, yes, Kelon! Kelon Kong.”
I nod.
“Well, he was arrested, as you know,” Miss Twilight said. She chuckled and shook her head. “I don’t exactly know how things worked here before, but you should all know that you can’t just attack a group of soldiers like he did. That’s why we have laws, a criminal justice system!” She paused, then said, “You all probably don’t know what a criminal justice system is, do you? You see, a crim—”
“When is he coming back?” I ask.
Miss Twilight blinks a few times. “I don’t know. It’s not up to me.”
How can it not be up to her, I scream in my head. She is the Putri Jaran, the Princess of All Ponies! She holds the power of the goddess in her horn!
But I just mutter, “Okay.”
“You shouldn’t worry,” says Twilight. “Equestrian soldiers are kind folk. He’ll get a fair trial, and if he’s declared innocent, he’ll be back soon.” She laughs again and looks at my classmates. “Take it as a lesson: don’t attack soldiers, and you’ll be fine. Alright?”
No one answers.
Pics
A very fitting story to come out of that drawing. This is adorable!
and heartbreaking. like a Dickens-style social critique story. or maybe a bit like Persepolis.
this may not be everyone's type of fic, using OCs in an original setting (OS?) but I really like seeing how these types of stories connect back to the original source. Even when the theme isn't so optimistic, it's fun as a new outside perspective. I liked the details of this island culture and how they react to Princess Twilight. I loved how all the misunderstandings, like they don't understand who Celestia is or why she's supposed to be important. or how Kesu assumes all the guards are alicorns too.
nicely symbolic, while being a bit saccharine. which fits, since this character is innocent and naive. I thought that little detail was clever, working on multiple levels.
The story halts right when it's getting good. I can forgive that, the time limit is rough. But to me, it felt rushed a little before that, around when mother and father are holding the secret meetings. At that point I felt like Kesu is just being a passive observer of all these huge events. I really wanted to see more of his story, his daily life with Tresna, and how that changes. That personal perspective, from the bottom of society, is what made it so interesting in the beginning. Without that connection, the events of oppression felt kinda generic. (the author probably already knows all this and was just rushing to get it done)
very cute characters, I'm interested in seeing it properly completed.
and heartbreaking. like a Dickens-style social critique story. or maybe a bit like Persepolis.
this may not be everyone's type of fic, using OCs in an original setting (OS?) but I really like seeing how these types of stories connect back to the original source. Even when the theme isn't so optimistic, it's fun as a new outside perspective. I liked the details of this island culture and how they react to Princess Twilight. I loved how all the misunderstandings, like they don't understand who Celestia is or why she's supposed to be important. or how Kesu assumes all the guards are alicorns too.
The thought strikes me like a falling star.
nicely symbolic, while being a bit saccharine. which fits, since this character is innocent and naive. I thought that little detail was clever, working on multiple levels.
The story halts right when it's getting good. I can forgive that, the time limit is rough. But to me, it felt rushed a little before that, around when mother and father are holding the secret meetings. At that point I felt like Kesu is just being a passive observer of all these huge events. I really wanted to see more of his story, his daily life with Tresna, and how that changes. That personal perspective, from the bottom of society, is what made it so interesting in the beginning. Without that connection, the events of oppression felt kinda generic. (the author probably already knows all this and was just rushing to get it done)
very cute characters, I'm interested in seeing it properly completed.
(Putri Jaran)
Imperialist Equestria, huh? With Twilight as the ‘ambassador?’ This is a bit disturbing and a bit heartbreaking… more because I see it as a possibility. And even more because I know this has actually happened more times that I can count. I would have liked to see a little more hints as to the culture and backstory of Piandel, but considering the perspective of the main character, I think it was fairly solid.
My only real issue is I didn’t feel like there was an ending. It just… petered out. Now, I know that main character would not get a perfect glimpse as to what’s going on. But that it ends on the ‘attacking soldiers’ line just doesn’t seem to fit. Almost as if the author wasn’t quite sure where to go with it. I don’t know. Something’s just missing.
Good world-building and expression of imperialism, though!
Imperialist Equestria, huh? With Twilight as the ‘ambassador?’ This is a bit disturbing and a bit heartbreaking… more because I see it as a possibility. And even more because I know this has actually happened more times that I can count. I would have liked to see a little more hints as to the culture and backstory of Piandel, but considering the perspective of the main character, I think it was fairly solid.
My only real issue is I didn’t feel like there was an ending. It just… petered out. Now, I know that main character would not get a perfect glimpse as to what’s going on. But that it ends on the ‘attacking soldiers’ line just doesn’t seem to fit. Almost as if the author wasn’t quite sure where to go with it. I don’t know. Something’s just missing.
Good world-building and expression of imperialism, though!
While stories about imperialism can be interesting, I'm not sure if My Little Pony is really the right vehicle for this story. It doesn't really seem to have much to do with Twilight Sparkle as a person, nor with Equestria as we know it from the show. If Twilight Sparkle and Equestria were replaced with OCs, it wouldn't make any real difference to the story.
I also have to say that this didn't really do much that I haven't seen before, which kind of robs it of any real feeling of uniqueness. It basically was the standard "imperialism is bad" stuff you see in a lot of stories about imperialism being bad.
I also have to say that this didn't really do much that I haven't seen before, which kind of robs it of any real feeling of uniqueness. It basically was the standard "imperialism is bad" stuff you see in a lot of stories about imperialism being bad.
I will agree with the others on this one.
I don't see the possibility to switch characters or to get rid of the MLP setting as a big problem, same thing with the fact that this story has nothing new to offer on the subject (it's really hard to have something new to say about something). In fact, as long as the story told is engaging and interesting, it is one I enjoy reading.
Here, the problem is that the story is interesting in its premise but isn't very engaging. The character in which the POV is set is awfully stupid, especially during the second-half. I know that he is supposed to be a child and thus, he can't really understand what is going on but after witnessing so many terrible things, he can't just ask Twilight "By the way, where is Kelon?".
You probably wanted to create a contrast between the innocent look a kid can have on this and the violence of the invaders but it is too forced. The kid has seen some of his friends being beat up and taken prisoner. That's the kind of events you can't just dismiss, even if you're a kid.
My advice would be to make the confrontation between the natives and Equestria more subtle and less obvious, both for the kid and the reader.
So that will be a no for me but with encouragements to rework it because I think you have something here to make a great story.
You know, it reminds me a bit of A Good Filly by Orbiting Kettle in its premise and the contrast between locals and Equestria.
I don't see the possibility to switch characters or to get rid of the MLP setting as a big problem, same thing with the fact that this story has nothing new to offer on the subject (it's really hard to have something new to say about something). In fact, as long as the story told is engaging and interesting, it is one I enjoy reading.
Here, the problem is that the story is interesting in its premise but isn't very engaging. The character in which the POV is set is awfully stupid, especially during the second-half. I know that he is supposed to be a child and thus, he can't really understand what is going on but after witnessing so many terrible things, he can't just ask Twilight "By the way, where is Kelon?".
You probably wanted to create a contrast between the innocent look a kid can have on this and the violence of the invaders but it is too forced. The kid has seen some of his friends being beat up and taken prisoner. That's the kind of events you can't just dismiss, even if you're a kid.
My advice would be to make the confrontation between the natives and Equestria more subtle and less obvious, both for the kid and the reader.
So that will be a no for me but with encouragements to rework it because I think you have something here to make a great story.
You know, it reminds me a bit of A Good Filly by Orbiting Kettle in its premise and the contrast between locals and Equestria.
This had me up until we started seeing the changes in the islanders' way of life and economic system. Twilight was wonderful, and her flubbing the local language was hilarious and perfectly in character, as was the narrator's precocious crush on her.
Once the story gets into gear, however, it loses me. It's competently written, and the subject matter is treated with the appropriate level of gravity; it's a highly relevant and stark look at imperialism. I just don't think that it fits at all with the MLP material. The reasons why are multifarious, but the most glaring, to me, is the use of Twilight Sparkle as the face of Equestrian cultural hegemony. The lack of sensitivity and understanding she shows to the local culture is astonishing. I could maybe see her as a well-meaning, but naive, point of cultural contact, but she's out-and-out malicious at times, and that doesn't square well at all with her portrayal on the show.
She wrote a thick, complex, thoroughly researched guide book about griffons and their culture, fer pony's sake. Because Rainbow Dash took a train to a griffon city. One. Time.
I also question the logic behind the relations between these two nations. The islanders all speak pony-talk, and it's only a short boat ride away from Equestria, yet they're completely ignorant of all aspects of Equestrian society? They don't even know who Celestia is?
...What?
Once the story gets into gear, however, it loses me. It's competently written, and the subject matter is treated with the appropriate level of gravity; it's a highly relevant and stark look at imperialism. I just don't think that it fits at all with the MLP material. The reasons why are multifarious, but the most glaring, to me, is the use of Twilight Sparkle as the face of Equestrian cultural hegemony. The lack of sensitivity and understanding she shows to the local culture is astonishing. I could maybe see her as a well-meaning, but naive, point of cultural contact, but she's out-and-out malicious at times, and that doesn't square well at all with her portrayal on the show.
She wrote a thick, complex, thoroughly researched guide book about griffons and their culture, fer pony's sake. Because Rainbow Dash took a train to a griffon city. One. Time.
I also question the logic behind the relations between these two nations. The islanders all speak pony-talk, and it's only a short boat ride away from Equestria, yet they're completely ignorant of all aspects of Equestrian society? They don't even know who Celestia is?
...What?
First of all, this is currently first second on my slate against heavy competition. It's rich with detail, and hard-hitting as a story about the problems of colonialism. I have no particular feedback, except for one extremely important thing: joining the crowd complaining about this being written as a My Little Pony story.
... No, actually: the problem isn't that this is a pony story. The problem is specifically with Twilight and her role.
You only have to look at my own story history (notably The Last Dreams of Pony Island) to see that I not only approve of, but have personally written about, examining the intersection of Equestria and colonialism. The idea of a utopia colliding with the principles of the rest of the world around it is very fertile ground for storytelling. And I've written my share of stories (unsuccessfully) trying to reconcile the princess' public images with the sacrifices required by realpolitik: see e.g. Hearth Swarming Eve, or (here in Writeoff-land) Might Make Right or Death By Dawn. That is a freaking minefield that someday I will conquer without leaving giant smoking craters in my literary landscape. Someday.
But ... you just don't do that to Twilight, not without rejecting the entire premise of pony and falling into a screaming black hole of cynicism. Not Twilight fucking Sparkle. Look at the list of villains she has personally fought and then extended a hoof of redemption toward -- do you really believe she would say "don't attack soldiers, and you'll be fine"? Look at Yakyakistan -- do you think she'd give up on these ponies after a statue got broken? Look at Starlight Glimmer (if you must) -- do you think she'd let bureaucracy handle crime and punishment?
You can do this with other princesses, because of their more abstract appearances and metaphysical roles in the show. Celestia represents power: a corrupt Celestia says that, regardless of how well the world around you is treating you, you can't trust authority. (And, indeed, Tyrantlestia is almost a fandom in-joke at this point.) Luna represents redemption: the idea that good individuals can do bad things, and then can make up for it. (Corrupting her again is a statement that evil is a one-way street.) Cadance represents ... geez, idk, her role in the show is minimal enough that you could probably go anywhere with that. Growth, I guess? Her arc travels the show's largest age/role distance, from babysitter to not only ruler but married mother. Corrupting her is a statement that power corrupts, and that you're gonna make compromises as you go.
But Twilight? Twilight represents hope. She is young and naive, but her solutions work. That's the core of pony: that friendship works, when applied properly. And Twilight Sparkle is the avatar of applying it properly. Corrupting her says: fuck you, evil is the best-case scenario.
So, frankly, I read this story with blinders on. You're describing some other pony who put on wings and painted herself purple. With Trylight Sharkle, this story works, and I strongly recommend some sort of search-and-replace rewrite.
Counterpoint: "The fact that it's Twilight Sparkle who's engaging in the banality of evil makes a stronger statement than just using Generic Pony Princess #6!" Yes, that is true. However, you're making Twilight Sparkle reject friendship-based solutions, and if you're gonna do that you need approximately an ocean of lampshading. Every story I've seen make that work has completely fucked her up, on-screen, in some huge way, and the story then extensively explored that fallout. (Schemering Sintel kidnapped Spike and then spent most of the story further beating her down. The Mare In The High Castle had her grow up in Nightmare Moon's world, and despite that she still shows moments of redemption. Eyes Without A Face literally raped her in chapter 9, and I'm pretty sure she was less evil there than she is here.)
Rant over.
Nitpick: "Kuda" may be a better word than "jaran" for horse, at least according to the Cambridge English/Indonesian dictionary. (That's what I used in The Sun Birds.)
Thing that is as important as a nitpick, but in a positive direction[1]: I love the fact that you apparently interpreted Pip's chimney-brush in the source art as a palm tree, and ran hard with that.
Tier: Top Contender
--
[1] English needs a word for this. I propose "nitprop".
... No, actually: the problem isn't that this is a pony story. The problem is specifically with Twilight and her role.
You only have to look at my own story history (notably The Last Dreams of Pony Island) to see that I not only approve of, but have personally written about, examining the intersection of Equestria and colonialism. The idea of a utopia colliding with the principles of the rest of the world around it is very fertile ground for storytelling. And I've written my share of stories (unsuccessfully) trying to reconcile the princess' public images with the sacrifices required by realpolitik: see e.g. Hearth Swarming Eve, or (here in Writeoff-land) Might Make Right or Death By Dawn. That is a freaking minefield that someday I will conquer without leaving giant smoking craters in my literary landscape. Someday.
But ... you just don't do that to Twilight, not without rejecting the entire premise of pony and falling into a screaming black hole of cynicism. Not Twilight fucking Sparkle. Look at the list of villains she has personally fought and then extended a hoof of redemption toward -- do you really believe she would say "don't attack soldiers, and you'll be fine"? Look at Yakyakistan -- do you think she'd give up on these ponies after a statue got broken? Look at Starlight Glimmer (if you must) -- do you think she'd let bureaucracy handle crime and punishment?
You can do this with other princesses, because of their more abstract appearances and metaphysical roles in the show. Celestia represents power: a corrupt Celestia says that, regardless of how well the world around you is treating you, you can't trust authority. (And, indeed, Tyrantlestia is almost a fandom in-joke at this point.) Luna represents redemption: the idea that good individuals can do bad things, and then can make up for it. (Corrupting her again is a statement that evil is a one-way street.) Cadance represents ... geez, idk, her role in the show is minimal enough that you could probably go anywhere with that. Growth, I guess? Her arc travels the show's largest age/role distance, from babysitter to not only ruler but married mother. Corrupting her is a statement that power corrupts, and that you're gonna make compromises as you go.
But Twilight? Twilight represents hope. She is young and naive, but her solutions work. That's the core of pony: that friendship works, when applied properly. And Twilight Sparkle is the avatar of applying it properly. Corrupting her says: fuck you, evil is the best-case scenario.
So, frankly, I read this story with blinders on. You're describing some other pony who put on wings and painted herself purple. With Trylight Sharkle, this story works, and I strongly recommend some sort of search-and-replace rewrite.
Counterpoint: "The fact that it's Twilight Sparkle who's engaging in the banality of evil makes a stronger statement than just using Generic Pony Princess #6!" Yes, that is true. However, you're making Twilight Sparkle reject friendship-based solutions, and if you're gonna do that you need approximately an ocean of lampshading. Every story I've seen make that work has completely fucked her up, on-screen, in some huge way, and the story then extensively explored that fallout. (Schemering Sintel kidnapped Spike and then spent most of the story further beating her down. The Mare In The High Castle had her grow up in Nightmare Moon's world, and despite that she still shows moments of redemption. Eyes Without A Face literally raped her in chapter 9, and I'm pretty sure she was less evil there than she is here.)
Rant over.
Nitpick: "Kuda" may be a better word than "jaran" for horse, at least according to the Cambridge English/Indonesian dictionary. (That's what I used in The Sun Birds.)
Thing that is as important as a nitpick, but in a positive direction[1]: I love the fact that you apparently interpreted Pip's chimney-brush in the source art as a palm tree, and ran hard with that.
Tier: Top Contender
--
[1] English needs a word for this. I propose "nitprop".
I'm not sure why I couldn't force myself to keep reading this, but it just didn't interest me. The writing itself was good, but as I didn't read it entirely, I will abstain.
Putri Jaran and Meaning
I’m reviewing these fics together because I have the same thing to say about both of them. And I want to preface this review by saying that these fics are sitting at #1 and #2 on my prelim slate. In other words, they’re both doing some things very well.
But they’re also lacking in a key and similar dimension – the actual narrative arc of the story.
Some spoilers follow, but I’ll try to keep them to a minimum.
Let’s start by describing the plot of Putri Jaran and Meaning in brief.
Putri Jaran: Equestrian annexes a smallPacific nearby island nation that produces pineapples daya fruits. The story follows Kesu as he grows disillusioned by the imperialistic tendencies of the Equestrian overlords.
Meaning: Princess Cadence returns from banishment and discovers that Equestria has changed for the worse in her absence. The story follows Cadence as she learns just how terrible an impact her actions had on the world.
Fair enough? I think those are pretty neat ideas for stories. Great settings. You could put some pretty dramatic characters in those worlds and really do some incredible stuff with them.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, we just get… the setting. The 3,285 and 4,017 word versions of those synopses.
What is the narrative arc in either of these stories? What decisions or actions do the characters take that drives the story? What do they do?
Well, in Putri Jaran, Kesu, um, goes to school. And listens to Twilight Sparkle, who honestly has a better claim to main character of this story than he does. And then, at the end, he mutters “Okay.”
But! But! He becomes disillusioned by his experience! That’s character growth, you say! And yes, that is character growth, but it wasn’t driven by the character himself. It was driven by the setting – living on a small island nation taken over by Equestria. Kesu himself did nothing in this story except passively receive the plot. He wasn’t a party to the conflict. He had no agency. He just was.
Stories, of course, don’t need to follow traditional styles. Literature is always changing and must always change. But when you write a story that forgoes conventional elements like a protagonist who is involved in a conflict, you’d better be onto something really big. I didn’t get that feeling here, instead all I got was a story about imperialism in the Pacific, except with ponies. And, frankly, I’m not sure that was something that needed ponies.
Jumping over to Meaning, we get a story about Cadence, who is returned from banishment after some terrible calamity caused by her monstrous acts. She speaks with Celestia and then Twilight, and in the course of these conversations realizes that things are much, much worse than she feared: It’s been 1000 years and everypony is dead because of her.
Neat setting for a story, that. You could do some crazy things in a situation that dramatic! But the author didn’t. He just spent 4,017 words putting together an incredible setting for a story, and then… He hit submit, apparently.
But! But! There’s a twist, you say! And yes, there is a twist at the end. But let’s talk about twists.
The point of a plot twist is to force the reader/viewer to go back and reassess everything they’ve witnessed up to that point in the context of new information. The addition of that small piece of information completely changes the story they’ve already experienced. Plot twists are great and amazing devices. In The Sixth Sense, the twist at the end reveals that Bruce Willis is a ghost and has been dead the whole time. For people who didn’t see that coming (as I did not), it was a mind-blowing revelation.
In Meaning, we get to the twist, and it forces us to completely reassess everything that’s happened so far in the story! Which is… well, mostly just Cadence talking to ponies. And… yeah, that’s it. That’s pretty much all she does.
Just like in Putri Jaran, there’s no conventional plot to speak of. No conflict. There’s not even any character development in this one. Just Cadence learning about the story’s setting, then at the end, realizing things are much worse than she thought. That’s it. Like Kesa, she has no agency.
So why did I put these stories at the top of my prelim slate? Because, for all that they lacked some components of a story, they had others in spades. Putri Jaran did a wonderful job building a world and characters in a short period, and the future described in Meaning was compelling and certainly original. By those merits alone, these stories stood out from the pack, and I expect they’ll do well in the finals.
So, authors, please do not think I didn’t like these stories. I wouldn’t have written nearly a thousand words about them if I didn’t find them interesting and compelling enough to critique.
I’m reviewing these fics together because I have the same thing to say about both of them. And I want to preface this review by saying that these fics are sitting at #1 and #2 on my prelim slate. In other words, they’re both doing some things very well.
But they’re also lacking in a key and similar dimension – the actual narrative arc of the story.
Some spoilers follow, but I’ll try to keep them to a minimum.
Let’s start by describing the plot of Putri Jaran and Meaning in brief.
Putri Jaran: Equestrian annexes a small
Meaning: Princess Cadence returns from banishment and discovers that Equestria has changed for the worse in her absence. The story follows Cadence as she learns just how terrible an impact her actions had on the world.
Fair enough? I think those are pretty neat ideas for stories. Great settings. You could put some pretty dramatic characters in those worlds and really do some incredible stuff with them.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, we just get… the setting. The 3,285 and 4,017 word versions of those synopses.
What is the narrative arc in either of these stories? What decisions or actions do the characters take that drives the story? What do they do?
Well, in Putri Jaran, Kesu, um, goes to school. And listens to Twilight Sparkle, who honestly has a better claim to main character of this story than he does. And then, at the end, he mutters “Okay.”
But! But! He becomes disillusioned by his experience! That’s character growth, you say! And yes, that is character growth, but it wasn’t driven by the character himself. It was driven by the setting – living on a small island nation taken over by Equestria. Kesu himself did nothing in this story except passively receive the plot. He wasn’t a party to the conflict. He had no agency. He just was.
Stories, of course, don’t need to follow traditional styles. Literature is always changing and must always change. But when you write a story that forgoes conventional elements like a protagonist who is involved in a conflict, you’d better be onto something really big. I didn’t get that feeling here, instead all I got was a story about imperialism in the Pacific, except with ponies. And, frankly, I’m not sure that was something that needed ponies.
Jumping over to Meaning, we get a story about Cadence, who is returned from banishment after some terrible calamity caused by her monstrous acts. She speaks with Celestia and then Twilight, and in the course of these conversations realizes that things are much, much worse than she feared: It’s been 1000 years and everypony is dead because of her.
Neat setting for a story, that. You could do some crazy things in a situation that dramatic! But the author didn’t. He just spent 4,017 words putting together an incredible setting for a story, and then… He hit submit, apparently.
But! But! There’s a twist, you say! And yes, there is a twist at the end. But let’s talk about twists.
The point of a plot twist is to force the reader/viewer to go back and reassess everything they’ve witnessed up to that point in the context of new information. The addition of that small piece of information completely changes the story they’ve already experienced. Plot twists are great and amazing devices. In The Sixth Sense, the twist at the end reveals that Bruce Willis is a ghost and has been dead the whole time. For people who didn’t see that coming (as I did not), it was a mind-blowing revelation.
In Meaning, we get to the twist, and it forces us to completely reassess everything that’s happened so far in the story! Which is… well, mostly just Cadence talking to ponies. And… yeah, that’s it. That’s pretty much all she does.
Just like in Putri Jaran, there’s no conventional plot to speak of. No conflict. There’s not even any character development in this one. Just Cadence learning about the story’s setting, then at the end, realizing things are much worse than she thought. That’s it. Like Kesa, she has no agency.
So why did I put these stories at the top of my prelim slate? Because, for all that they lacked some components of a story, they had others in spades. Putri Jaran did a wonderful job building a world and characters in a short period, and the future described in Meaning was compelling and certainly original. By those merits alone, these stories stood out from the pack, and I expect they’ll do well in the finals.
So, authors, please do not think I didn’t like these stories. I wouldn’t have written nearly a thousand words about them if I didn’t find them interesting and compelling enough to critique.
>>Cold in Gardez
While I understand your complaint, I also can't say that it particularly bothered me that these stories didn't have character agency. Speculative fiction is littered with stories where the characters serve primarily as our window onto the worldbuilding, and the impact of the worldbuilding is the point of the story, to the point that what we remember about it has nothing to do with character development.
Off the top of my head … the character conflicts in Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes are basically irrelevant to the stories' point, except as a way of establishing how bad things have gotten. Planet of the Apes in particular is basically a feghoot, except with a moral instead of a punchline: This is where nuclear war leads.
I'm also reminded of Ray Bradbury's All Summer In A Day, in which the protagonist spent the entire story locked in a closet. The lack of agency there served a point — turned her into a victim.
Finally, *cough* lost cities *cough*
That having been said, authors: all other things being equal, agency makes for a much more dynamic story. I'm thinking of Horse Voice's The Writing On The Wall in particular, which is about Daring Do (big spoiler!) exploring a strange ancient ruin that turns out to be the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository; it kills her and Ahuizotl with radiation poisoning. I'm trying to picture the story without all the tense maneuvering between Daring and Ahuizotl that pads out the middle story, and it would have been pretty darn thin and unsatisfying. While it's ultimately meaningless, what the Daring/Ahuizotl clash does is give the twist something to play off of — and makes it work in the first place, because a Daring Do story with no conflict happening is pretty much a flashing red light telling you that the author is trying to pull off a twist.
I think Meaning stands up a little better in its current, agency-free form than Putri Jaran — although, like CiG, both are in my top three regardless. If Putri suffers from its lack of agency, I think it's only that Kesa seems perfectly balanced between the factions in such a way as to evade any personal consequences — neither an Equestrian sympathizer to the point where he alienates his friends and neighbors, nor a resister to the point where he suffers from the crackdown, nor someone trying to avoid the conflict who faces uncomfortable pressure from both sides. Agency doesn't necessarily involve picking a side — it means making a choice and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neutrality is a choice, but we don't see the consequences of it.
Adding agency to Meaning could be problematic, if only because it's already so buildup-heavy to begin with. Giving present Cadance meaningful choices with consequences creates more padding before your reveal, and also starts potentially running into idiot-ball issues — the question of why the core problem outlined in the twist wasn't brought up earlier when it would have been relevant to her actions. The pacing right now feels just about on-point. I think this might be a case where you want the All Summer In A Day agency model.
What decisions or actions do the characters take that drives the story?
While I understand your complaint, I also can't say that it particularly bothered me that these stories didn't have character agency. Speculative fiction is littered with stories where the characters serve primarily as our window onto the worldbuilding, and the impact of the worldbuilding is the point of the story, to the point that what we remember about it has nothing to do with character development.
Off the top of my head … the character conflicts in Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes are basically irrelevant to the stories' point, except as a way of establishing how bad things have gotten. Planet of the Apes in particular is basically a feghoot, except with a moral instead of a punchline: This is where nuclear war leads.
I'm also reminded of Ray Bradbury's All Summer In A Day, in which the protagonist spent the entire story locked in a closet. The lack of agency there served a point — turned her into a victim.
Finally, *cough* lost cities *cough*
That having been said, authors: all other things being equal, agency makes for a much more dynamic story. I'm thinking of Horse Voice's The Writing On The Wall in particular, which is about Daring Do (big spoiler!) exploring a strange ancient ruin that turns out to be the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository; it kills her and Ahuizotl with radiation poisoning. I'm trying to picture the story without all the tense maneuvering between Daring and Ahuizotl that pads out the middle story, and it would have been pretty darn thin and unsatisfying. While it's ultimately meaningless, what the Daring/Ahuizotl clash does is give the twist something to play off of — and makes it work in the first place, because a Daring Do story with no conflict happening is pretty much a flashing red light telling you that the author is trying to pull off a twist.
I think Meaning stands up a little better in its current, agency-free form than Putri Jaran — although, like CiG, both are in my top three regardless. If Putri suffers from its lack of agency, I think it's only that Kesa seems perfectly balanced between the factions in such a way as to evade any personal consequences — neither an Equestrian sympathizer to the point where he alienates his friends and neighbors, nor a resister to the point where he suffers from the crackdown, nor someone trying to avoid the conflict who faces uncomfortable pressure from both sides. Agency doesn't necessarily involve picking a side — it means making a choice and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neutrality is a choice, but we don't see the consequences of it.
Adding agency to Meaning could be problematic, if only because it's already so buildup-heavy to begin with. Giving present Cadance meaningful choices with consequences creates more padding before your reveal, and also starts potentially running into idiot-ball issues — the question of why the core problem outlined in the twist wasn't brought up earlier when it would have been relevant to her actions. The pacing right now feels just about on-point. I think this might be a case where you want the All Summer In A Day agency model.
>>horizon
I suggest you read the original book by Pierre Boulle. It is so much superior to the movie, in every way. And the punchline is galaxies away from what the film made of it.
Planet of the Apes in particular is basically a feghoot, except with a moral instead of a punchline: This is where nuclear war leads.
I suggest you read the original book by Pierre Boulle. It is so much superior to the movie, in every way. And the punchline is galaxies away from what the film made of it.
Genre: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Thoughts: It's about at the moment when >>Cold in Gardez and >>horizon both top-slate a story that I feel it makes sense to pause, take notice, and then try very hard to figure out why.
And, um, I don't get it with this one. :-/
I'll acknowledge that this is well written. It's actually really clean and well constructed from a technical perspective. There's much to recommend it in that regard.
But there's also some stuff that other people have mentioned that doesn't work for me. Rather than putting forward my own unease about the limitations of character agency/arc, or the problematic hopelessness of Tyrant Sparkle, or that the story hits a full-stop right as it seems like it's getting going... frankly, I can point right back at the other reviews mentioning those things and say, "Me too, except all that stuff keeps it lower on my slate."
Maybe it's a question of personal interest/appeal, but I feel like the arc here would need to be fleshed out a great deal more before I could put it higher. Right now it's basically a couple thousand word way of saying that imperialism sucks extra-hard when it's Twerklight Sporkle in the driver's seat, but we don't get to confront how that really impacts either Miss Sporkle or our young hero. Like I could really use a humanizing moment where it's actually Twilight going through with this.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: It's about at the moment when >>Cold in Gardez and >>horizon both top-slate a story that I feel it makes sense to pause, take notice, and then try very hard to figure out why.
And, um, I don't get it with this one. :-/
I'll acknowledge that this is well written. It's actually really clean and well constructed from a technical perspective. There's much to recommend it in that regard.
But there's also some stuff that other people have mentioned that doesn't work for me. Rather than putting forward my own unease about the limitations of character agency/arc, or the problematic hopelessness of Tyrant Sparkle, or that the story hits a full-stop right as it seems like it's getting going... frankly, I can point right back at the other reviews mentioning those things and say, "Me too, except all that stuff keeps it lower on my slate."
Maybe it's a question of personal interest/appeal, but I feel like the arc here would need to be fleshed out a great deal more before I could put it higher. Right now it's basically a couple thousand word way of saying that imperialism sucks extra-hard when it's Twerklight Sporkle in the driver's seat, but we don't get to confront how that really impacts either Miss Sporkle or our young hero. Like I could really use a humanizing moment where it's actually Twilight going through with this.
Tier: Almost There
>>CoffeeMinion
Just to clarify, this story was at the top of my prelim slate. It did not fare nearly so well in my finals slate.
Just to clarify, this story was at the top of my prelim slate. It did not fare nearly so well in my finals slate.
So, voice is pretty good on this one, which is nice. Fairly solid first person perspective. No complaints there and I think it's among the best 1st Person I've seen in the Writeoff.
Content-wise I'm a bit less satisfied. This is a fuzzy area, but in fics that aren't really explicit AU, I tend to want something that resonates a bit with the show canon. This... doesn't, really. This is very much it's own entity with little in the way of character/concept/theme connections. I dunno, it is a very fuzzy, I know it when I see it sort of distinction, but this fic fails it to me.
I might also be hitting another weird personal objection because I recently finished The Windup Girl which, while not necessarily about colonialism proper, covers similar thematics. And it kinda grates me a bit.
To reiterate though, writing itself is super solid.
Content-wise I'm a bit less satisfied. This is a fuzzy area, but in fics that aren't really explicit AU, I tend to want something that resonates a bit with the show canon. This... doesn't, really. This is very much it's own entity with little in the way of character/concept/theme connections. I dunno, it is a very fuzzy, I know it when I see it sort of distinction, but this fic fails it to me.
I might also be hitting another weird personal objection because I recently finished The Windup Girl which, while not necessarily about colonialism proper, covers similar thematics. And it kinda grates me a bit.
To reiterate though, writing itself is super solid.
Putri Jaran
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading my story, Putri Jaran, aka "Imperialism and Javanese Puns: the Story."
As >>horizon guessed, the inspiration for this fic came from misinterpreting pretty much everything in Ello Gov'na. The first few times I passed the picture in the gallery, my automatic assumption was that the chimney brush was a palm tree, the smoke in the background was a cloudy sky, and the other buildings in the background were the ruins of a shantytown-sort-of-area. As such, my mind immediately jumped to Atlantic colonial literature, a genre I have some background in. I eventually realized what Haze had actually drawn, yes, but by that point I already had the idea stuck in my mind of Equestrian imperialism, told through the POV of the foal in the artwork.
However, despite having the idea clear in my mind, I really had no time to write that weekend. I spent most of the weekend working on some academic essays, and then once I was done with those—barely ten hours before the deadline—I still had workshop responses to write. I only started really planning out Putri Jaran about five hours before the deadline, which left me with four hours to write and (not really) edit.
As such, there's a metric ton of content that I had planned to write, but just didn't have time to. This content includes:
-More character development for Kesu!
-More character development for Tresna!
-More character development for Twilight!
-More character development for everyone!
-An actual follow-through on the secret political meetings storyline!
-IMPLIED STABBINGS!
So, yeah, I've already got loads of stuff that needs to be added in. I'm sorry for submitting an incomplete story—I hope nobody was too frustrated with it.
Before we get to replies, an explanation of all the names—the alternate language used in this is mostly Javanese, with a few exceptions that I'll note.
Kesu: from the Javanese kesucian for innocence
Tresna: Love
Piandel: Magic
Pinter: Smart (he's gonna have a bigger role in the rewrite too)
Kelon: Melon
Daya: Power
Putri Jaran: Princess of Horses
Enom: Young
Wedi: Fear
I think that's all of them. As you can see, they're all pretty on the nose—I might change a few upon expansion. Although I like the sound similarity between putri and putrid.
>>Novel_Idea
>>Haze
Agreed on all counts. Thanks for reading!
>>TitaniumDragon
Disagree with the first point, agree with the second. I'll do my best to show why this situation is unique in the rewrites.
Thanks for reading!
>>Fenton
We already talked about this yesterday morning, but thanks again for reading. And I appreciate the comparison to Kettle's story.
>>Posh
>>horizon
Hard disagree with the complaints about Twilight not working in this story. Based on everything I've seen of Twilight—and I've watched the whole show, and I have a pretty good memory I'd like to think—I can more than see Twilight as someone who, consciously or unconsciously, puts the Equestrian national imaginary above all. I can totally see her having so much trust in her country that she can excuse any sort of wrongdoing on its part. And I can totally see her being so enthusiastic about her upbringing and everything she's been taught is "right" that she'd be overeager, if not zealous, to bring other ponies into her fold.
That being said, this is something I can explore with more detail in rewrites: the seeming contradiction between Twilight being a pony of understanding and friendship, and yet being blinded by her own nationalism/patriotism.
A few notes about the statue thing for Horizon: I didn't intend for it to seem like Twilight is "giving up" on Piandel after it's beheaded. I was trying to imply more that her rose-colored glasses have come off, and she's realizing that assimilating the island into Equestrian culture isn't going to be as easy as she thought. Remember, also, that it's a statue of Celestia—I can totally see Twilight being personally offended at it being defaced.
>>Posh
To be fair, it's not like the book she wrote was exactly original, or even based on experience. It was basically just a summary of another book she had read, condensed into bullet points. Hell, they even comment on how the guidebook is unfinished, because Twi doesn't know anything outside of what the other book has told her.
Thank you both for reading, though. XP
>>MLPmatthewl419
Oh, well. Thanks for trying anyway.
(And for guessing me correctly... do you just know me as the boring guy? ;) )
>>Cold in Gardez
Agreed on all counts. See what I wrote at the top for something of an explanation. Sorry for the disappointment.
Thanks for reading!
>>horizon
Agreed.
I already thanked you, silly!
>>CoffeeMinion
Well now I'm never recommending your story to the RCL folk >:V
Just kidding. I mostly agree with your comments. Thanks for reading!
>>AndrewRogue
I'll grate you, you son of a bitch.
Thanks for the compliments, though. And thanks for reading.
Extra thanks to Haze for drawing Ello Gov'na, the best picture in the competition. A true triumph of the human spirit, really.
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading my story, Putri Jaran, aka "Imperialism and Javanese Puns: the Story."
As >>horizon guessed, the inspiration for this fic came from misinterpreting pretty much everything in Ello Gov'na. The first few times I passed the picture in the gallery, my automatic assumption was that the chimney brush was a palm tree, the smoke in the background was a cloudy sky, and the other buildings in the background were the ruins of a shantytown-sort-of-area. As such, my mind immediately jumped to Atlantic colonial literature, a genre I have some background in. I eventually realized what Haze had actually drawn, yes, but by that point I already had the idea stuck in my mind of Equestrian imperialism, told through the POV of the foal in the artwork.
However, despite having the idea clear in my mind, I really had no time to write that weekend. I spent most of the weekend working on some academic essays, and then once I was done with those—barely ten hours before the deadline—I still had workshop responses to write. I only started really planning out Putri Jaran about five hours before the deadline, which left me with four hours to write and (not really) edit.
As such, there's a metric ton of content that I had planned to write, but just didn't have time to. This content includes:
-More character development for Kesu!
-More character development for Tresna!
-More character development for Twilight!
-More character development for everyone!
-An actual follow-through on the secret political meetings storyline!
-IMPLIED STABBINGS!
So, yeah, I've already got loads of stuff that needs to be added in. I'm sorry for submitting an incomplete story—I hope nobody was too frustrated with it.
Before we get to replies, an explanation of all the names—the alternate language used in this is mostly Javanese, with a few exceptions that I'll note.
Kesu: from the Javanese kesucian for innocence
Tresna: Love
Piandel: Magic
Pinter: Smart (he's gonna have a bigger role in the rewrite too)
Kelon: Melon
Daya: Power
Putri Jaran: Princess of Horses
Enom: Young
Wedi: Fear
I think that's all of them. As you can see, they're all pretty on the nose—I might change a few upon expansion. Although I like the sound similarity between putri and putrid.
>>Novel_Idea
>>Haze
Agreed on all counts. Thanks for reading!
>>TitaniumDragon
Disagree with the first point, agree with the second. I'll do my best to show why this situation is unique in the rewrites.
Thanks for reading!
>>Fenton
We already talked about this yesterday morning, but thanks again for reading. And I appreciate the comparison to Kettle's story.
>>Posh
>>horizon
Hard disagree with the complaints about Twilight not working in this story. Based on everything I've seen of Twilight—and I've watched the whole show, and I have a pretty good memory I'd like to think—I can more than see Twilight as someone who, consciously or unconsciously, puts the Equestrian national imaginary above all. I can totally see her having so much trust in her country that she can excuse any sort of wrongdoing on its part. And I can totally see her being so enthusiastic about her upbringing and everything she's been taught is "right" that she'd be overeager, if not zealous, to bring other ponies into her fold.
That being said, this is something I can explore with more detail in rewrites: the seeming contradiction between Twilight being a pony of understanding and friendship, and yet being blinded by her own nationalism/patriotism.
A few notes about the statue thing for Horizon: I didn't intend for it to seem like Twilight is "giving up" on Piandel after it's beheaded. I was trying to imply more that her rose-colored glasses have come off, and she's realizing that assimilating the island into Equestrian culture isn't going to be as easy as she thought. Remember, also, that it's a statue of Celestia—I can totally see Twilight being personally offended at it being defaced.
>>Posh
To be fair, it's not like the book she wrote was exactly original, or even based on experience. It was basically just a summary of another book she had read, condensed into bullet points. Hell, they even comment on how the guidebook is unfinished, because Twi doesn't know anything outside of what the other book has told her.
Thank you both for reading, though. XP
>>MLPmatthewl419
Oh, well. Thanks for trying anyway.
(And for guessing me correctly... do you just know me as the boring guy? ;) )
>>Cold in Gardez
Agreed on all counts. See what I wrote at the top for something of an explanation. Sorry for the disappointment.
Thanks for reading!
>>horizon
Agreed.
I already thanked you, silly!
>>CoffeeMinion
Well now I'm never recommending your story to the RCL folk >:V
Just kidding. I mostly agree with your comments. Thanks for reading!
>>AndrewRogue
I'll grate you, you son of a bitch.
Thanks for the compliments, though. And thanks for reading.
Extra thanks to Haze for drawing Ello Gov'na, the best picture in the competition. A true triumph of the human spirit, really.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
For my guesses, I went with authors I know first... then the others I assigned randomly based on how familiar with the author's name I am. So, no. You are not "the boring guy" xD.
For my guesses, I went with authors I know first... then the others I assigned randomly based on how familiar with the author's name I am. So, no. You are not "the boring guy" xD.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
YOU'RE WRONG. FIGHT ME BRO.
In all seriousness, though: I read stories all the time with headcanon I disagree with. And I stand by my statement later in my original post:
If this is a thing you think Twilight would do, sell it. I'm willing to listen to an argument about why this particular international dispute is different from Yakyakistan and the Dragon Kingdoms, but it's got to overcome the fact that she is literally doing the sort of thing that gets the Cutie Map flashing danger beacons and pointing ponies-like-her at poor, misguided her. And you further have to explain why she's sending police instead of Pinkie Pie.
The more you do this, the more the story becomes about Twilight falling from her ideals — which is not a problem, just keep that in mind as you plot out theme and focus and plot arc.
More detail in rewrites will be a good thing.
Based on everything I've seen of Twilight … I can totally see her having so much trust in her country that she can excuse any sort of wrongdoing on its part
YOU'RE WRONG. FIGHT ME BRO.
In all seriousness, though: I read stories all the time with headcanon I disagree with. And I stand by my statement later in my original post:
However, you're making Twilight Sparkle reject friendship-based solutions, and if you're gonna do that you need approximately an ocean of lampshading. Every story I've seen make that work has completely fucked her up, on-screen, in some huge way, and the story then extensively explored that fallout.
If this is a thing you think Twilight would do, sell it. I'm willing to listen to an argument about why this particular international dispute is different from Yakyakistan and the Dragon Kingdoms, but it's got to overcome the fact that she is literally doing the sort of thing that gets the Cutie Map flashing danger beacons and pointing ponies-like-her at poor, misguided her. And you further have to explain why she's sending police instead of Pinkie Pie.
The more you do this, the more the story becomes about Twilight falling from her ideals — which is not a problem, just keep that in mind as you plot out theme and focus and plot arc.
More detail in rewrites will be a good thing.
>>horizon
You see, I don't think that—in Twilight's eyes—she is deviating from her ideals. Twilight sees Piandel's "barbarism" as the problem, and imperialism/colonialism as the friendship solution. She sees the forcing of Equestrianism onto them as a kindness—like she's enlightening them to how great a friendship-ruled magical kingdom like Equestria is. And eventually, even if it doesn't seem kind, her belief that she's helping becomes so great that enforcing the friendship solution becomes the main goal.
Unless I'm completely misunderstanding what you mean. But all the examples of "lampshading" you give just seem like excuses to write a character OOC. I don't see Twilight as acting OOC here. It's just an extension of her love for country that we see in the show.
You see, I don't think that—in Twilight's eyes—she is deviating from her ideals. Twilight sees Piandel's "barbarism" as the problem, and imperialism/colonialism as the friendship solution. She sees the forcing of Equestrianism onto them as a kindness—like she's enlightening them to how great a friendship-ruled magical kingdom like Equestria is. And eventually, even if it doesn't seem kind, her belief that she's helping becomes so great that enforcing the friendship solution becomes the main goal.
Unless I'm completely misunderstanding what you mean. But all the examples of "lampshading" you give just seem like excuses to write a character OOC. I don't see Twilight as acting OOC here. It's just an extension of her love for country that we see in the show.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm not so sure about this. the episodes about Starlight's town seem to emphasize that Twilight's not an "ends justifies the means" leader. the town may look like happiness and peace and harmony, but she instinctively disapproves of the methods to get there. if anything, she's usually focused on getting the details correct, that she can't plan out the overall solution (though not always)
GaPJaxie's 81 Days story uses this characterization of Twilight, for a story with similar themes on historical politics and imperialism. and maybe it's just headcanon since I liked that one so much. but that's what I saw written between the lines in Putri Jaran, this Twilight is also trying to be friendly (#1 priority) but these honest cultural misunderstandings keep piling up until all trust is lost. I liked the promise of that idea, even though it wasn't fully fleshed out yet. at the breaking point, I think she'd always choose friendship over resorting to force.
so now I'm not really convinced if it fits your intended message. I could kinda see Celestia as being the greedy imperialist, while Twilight has too much blind faith to notice what Celestia's guards are doing behind her back, but then a Tyrantlestia AU would need to be justified. all while being told from Kesu's point of view, and he barely understands anything going on.
also I'm not sure what "barbarism" Twilight sees here. They already have schools and markets, and trade with Equestria, so they're not exactly undeveloped and primitive. So far there's the clash of cultural and religious differences, but enforcing conformity seems a lot more like villain-Starlight than Twilight....
I'm not so sure about this. the episodes about Starlight's town seem to emphasize that Twilight's not an "ends justifies the means" leader. the town may look like happiness and peace and harmony, but she instinctively disapproves of the methods to get there. if anything, she's usually focused on getting the details correct, that she can't plan out the overall solution (though not always)
GaPJaxie's 81 Days story uses this characterization of Twilight, for a story with similar themes on historical politics and imperialism. and maybe it's just headcanon since I liked that one so much. but that's what I saw written between the lines in Putri Jaran, this Twilight is also trying to be friendly (#1 priority) but these honest cultural misunderstandings keep piling up until all trust is lost. I liked the promise of that idea, even though it wasn't fully fleshed out yet. at the breaking point, I think she'd always choose friendship over resorting to force.
so now I'm not really convinced if it fits your intended message. I could kinda see Celestia as being the greedy imperialist, while Twilight has too much blind faith to notice what Celestia's guards are doing behind her back, but then a Tyrantlestia AU would need to be justified. all while being told from Kesu's point of view, and he barely understands anything going on.
also I'm not sure what "barbarism" Twilight sees here. They already have schools and markets, and trade with Equestria, so they're not exactly undeveloped and primitive. So far there's the clash of cultural and religious differences, but enforcing conformity seems a lot more like villain-Starlight than Twilight....