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>>Morning Sun
I like that interpretation—the first one, I mean—but I find myself thrown off by the guard's expression. He definitely looks like he's grinning to me.
I like that interpretation—the first one, I mean—but I find myself thrown off by the guard's expression. He definitely looks like he's grinning to me.
Much like >>TitaniumDragon, I ranked this in the middle. I love the way you've drawn your fire.
Hey, folks. Just wanted to apologize for my silence so far this round. I've been working on some slightly overdue scripts for BABSCon (I'm staffing their theme department this year — if you're attending, check out opening and closing ceremonies for a chance to see my work in another medium!), and then today as I was going to try to refocus, I got my first Search & Rescue callout. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to catch my breath and start refocusing into Writeoff mode, though given my other project deadlines, I may be lucky just to cram some sort of entry in.
It's really cool seeing the response to the art round, and that the reviewing tradition has carried over from fic-land. Thank you all for continuing to be awesome in my absence. ^.^
It's really cool seeing the response to the art round, and that the reviewing tradition has carried over from fic-land. Thank you all for continuing to be awesome in my absence. ^.^
>>TitaniumDragon
I summon the mighty power of French! Come to me Monokeras! Come to me Molière! Bless me with the power to finally correct an Englishman instead of being corrected by them everytime!
"Ceci n'est pas une pipe"!!!!!!!
...sorry.
I summon the mighty power of French! Come to me Monokeras! Come to me Molière! Bless me with the power to finally correct an Englishman instead of being corrected by them everytime!
"Ceci n'est pas une pipe"!!!!!!!
...sorry.
>>TitaniumDragon
The background looks like an unfocused wallpaper pattern to me. Similar patterns aren't uncommon—this one (edit: four months later, I return to discover that the image hosted at that link has changed completely. Oops.) showed up on my first page of google results!—and match the general airs of pretentiousness I'm getting from the outfit.
The background looks like an unfocused wallpaper pattern to me. Similar patterns aren't uncommon—this one (edit: four months later, I return to discover that the image hosted at that link has changed completely. Oops.) showed up on my first page of google results!—and match the general airs of pretentiousness I'm getting from the outfit.
Is anyone else getting a Millions of Cats vibe from this one?
I suppose I've outed myself as liking sketchy abstract-ish stuff. This almost borders on too sketchy to get the image across, though, considering that there do seem to be some definite shapes in there. But it's a cool piece regardless.
I suppose I've outed myself as liking sketchy abstract-ish stuff. This almost borders on too sketchy to get the image across, though, considering that there do seem to be some definite shapes in there. But it's a cool piece regardless.
Simple but clever. I had to squint to make out what was going on but I was pleased when I did.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I actually don't have a problem giving this one a decent ranking. Sure It's a joke, but I think it lands.
I actually don't have a problem giving this one a decent ranking. Sure It's a joke, but I think it lands.
>>CoffeeMinion
Comedy is an acceptable subject, isn't it?
It's all fun and games until somepony gets a cupcake in the eye.
>>Not_A_Hat
It was, note the accessories, like that watch.
Comedy is an acceptable subject, isn't it?
It's all fun and games until somepony gets a cupcake in the eye.
>>Not_A_Hat
It was, note the accessories, like that watch.
I know what this is. This is a cave drawing which indicates that the CMCs travel back in time and ruin pony pre-history.
>>GroaningGreyAgony The bowl bit, at least, I'm fairly certain of. But, I don't think the interior curve is equal to the exterior; I see a very thick-bottomed bowl, with a thin rim. If the surface was flat, then the bottom of the center cone should be level with the rim, while if it was curved up, it would be above it. I'd also expect the rim to look different. But the rim clearly has an inside edge, and the center cone seems noticeably dipped to me.
I made a challenge in chat, which I’ll repeat here so everyone sees it.
GGA’s Art Guessing Game
The challenge: identify what work or works I made for this art round, without errors or cheap hacks like “I guess GGA for all of them.” You must locate all the work I did, and guess me only for that work. (If Roger doesn’t implement guessing for the art round, you can PM me in chat.) This counts for the art round only; guessing what fics I may submit won’t count for this prize. Feel free to use Google or look at my FIM stories to get a sense for my art style.
The prize is a free sketch or short story with subject of your choice. (My right to reject gross/illegal stuff is reserved, but I am a fairly accommodating guy.)
In the event of multiple ties, I may combine prizes to preserve my sanity, but I don’t think I will need to do so. I may loosen the conditions for awarding the prize if people are having trouble. I can’t be specific about my criteria for doing so, at present.
I think that covers everything. Have fun!
ETA: Guesses may be submitted up until results are revealed (~3 days and 17 hours from this writing). You may revise a guess made to me in PM, but I will only count the most recent guess you make; spamming guesses is not allowed. I will disqualify a guess if it has been edited in Discord's interface; post a new guess if you must change something.)
GGA’s Art Guessing Game
The challenge: identify what work or works I made for this art round, without errors or cheap hacks like “I guess GGA for all of them.” You must locate all the work I did, and guess me only for that work. (If Roger doesn’t implement guessing for the art round, you can PM me in chat.) This counts for the art round only; guessing what fics I may submit won’t count for this prize. Feel free to use Google or look at my FIM stories to get a sense for my art style.
The prize is a free sketch or short story with subject of your choice. (My right to reject gross/illegal stuff is reserved, but I am a fairly accommodating guy.)
In the event of multiple ties, I may combine prizes to preserve my sanity, but I don’t think I will need to do so. I may loosen the conditions for awarding the prize if people are having trouble. I can’t be specific about my criteria for doing so, at present.
I think that covers everything. Have fun!
ETA: Guesses may be submitted up until results are revealed (~3 days and 17 hours from this writing). You may revise a guess made to me in PM, but I will only count the most recent guess you make; spamming guesses is not allowed. I will disqualify a guess if it has been edited in Discord's interface; post a new guess if you must change something.)
Ooh, nice. Perhaps it's just because I've been playing a lot of Breath of the Wild lately, but I'm liking the wasteland aesthetic here. The coloring only makes it more stark.
I don't understand how anyone couldn't identify these two right away. I can only assume they don't like EqG very much. :P
Anyway, I like the idea, and Sunset is drawn very well, but Trixie's face is a bit too grotesque for my liking—I really dislike defined lips like that on cartoon characters.
Anyway, I like the idea, and Sunset is drawn very well, but Trixie's face is a bit too grotesque for my liking—I really dislike defined lips like that on cartoon characters.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Part of the problem is that Trixie usually isn't thought of as being rich. I know that the EqG version of here probably isn't as broke and homeless as the pony version, bit the association is still there.
Part of the problem is that Trixie usually isn't thought of as being rich. I know that the EqG version of here probably isn't as broke and homeless as the pony version, bit the association is still there.
Sorry guise I need to bow out as well. One of the images matched a story I'd planned to do already, but I has The Sadz this weekend so I haven't been able to do literally anything. (New shrink tomorrow, though, so maybe that will help. Shots in the dark.)
*looking at some of the recent posts*
Oh good, I'm not the only one. I hate to say it, but I probably won't have my submission ready this time, either. (A combination of it taking too long for the art to speak to me and some anxiety about whether the idea would even fit the prompt.) I'll see what I can do, but I'd rather put out a more finished piece a little late than rush something for a deadline.
Sorry about that, but I will try to read and comment on others' submissions.
Oh good, I'm not the only one. I hate to say it, but I probably won't have my submission ready this time, either. (A combination of it taking too long for the art to speak to me and some anxiety about whether the idea would even fit the prompt.) I'll see what I can do, but I'd rather put out a more finished piece a little late than rush something for a deadline.
Sorry about that, but I will try to read and comment on others' submissions.
Looks like I'll be joining the chorus of apologies. Sorry, guys, but I'm pretty sure I'll be entering a story this round :v :v :v
Boy, I had a great idea based off one of the images, but I couldn't finish in time. Curse you, being a productive member of society!
Still, I wish the best to everyone. And hopefully, my artwork managed to inspire someone. If so, I'll take it as a small victory.
Still, I wish the best to everyone. And hopefully, my artwork managed to inspire someone. If so, I'll take it as a small victory.
Urgh. I have a great idea, but I've spent all weekend working on a midterm, and I still have homework to do. We'll see if I can get anything in.
>>horizon
*deep breath*
Okay so. After two SAR callouts in two days, and losing the rest of Friday and Saturday to BABSCon scripting, I finally managed to start putting some words down.
It's shit. It was a bad idea to begin with, and it's not going anywhere, and the act of writing it isn't improving it. This is when I'd normally scrap it and start over from scratch (I am not even slightly joking -- I have done this several times, including in rounds that I've medaled). However, with less than 12 hours left, I don't have time to cobble together a complete story other than the one I'm already halfway through.
I came here to write that, for the first time in years, I'm bailing out midway through, and I'll see you all next round. Then I stopped and thought about it.
You all deserve better than that.
You've all been in this same spot -- no time to do it right, and every reason to give up. And we've seen so many entries with potential come out of that -- stories that were flawed but fun, or stories that were instructive in their failings, or stories that just needed some editing suggestions from a second set of eyes to start going somewhere useful.
I don't think this story will be any of those -- but even if it's complete crap, that's still useful, because it's a reminder that we're all gonna swing and miss sometimes, and it's a valuable skill in writing to be willing to swing and miss.
So ... you've been here for my good rounds. This isn't one of them. But having had so many good rounds here, I owe it to the Writeoffs to also share with you the bad, and take my little participation ribbon, and appreciate the fact that there are stories better than mine, and smile and take my lumps when the critique hammers get swung.
Let's do this thing. :rainbowdetermined2:
*deep breath*
Okay so. After two SAR callouts in two days, and losing the rest of Friday and Saturday to BABSCon scripting, I finally managed to start putting some words down.
It's shit. It was a bad idea to begin with, and it's not going anywhere, and the act of writing it isn't improving it. This is when I'd normally scrap it and start over from scratch (I am not even slightly joking -- I have done this several times, including in rounds that I've medaled). However, with less than 12 hours left, I don't have time to cobble together a complete story other than the one I'm already halfway through.
I came here to write that, for the first time in years, I'm bailing out midway through, and I'll see you all next round. Then I stopped and thought about it.
You all deserve better than that.
You've all been in this same spot -- no time to do it right, and every reason to give up. And we've seen so many entries with potential come out of that -- stories that were flawed but fun, or stories that were instructive in their failings, or stories that just needed some editing suggestions from a second set of eyes to start going somewhere useful.
I don't think this story will be any of those -- but even if it's complete crap, that's still useful, because it's a reminder that we're all gonna swing and miss sometimes, and it's a valuable skill in writing to be willing to swing and miss.
So ... you've been here for my good rounds. This isn't one of them. But having had so many good rounds here, I owe it to the Writeoffs to also share with you the bad, and take my little participation ribbon, and appreciate the fact that there are stories better than mine, and smile and take my lumps when the critique hammers get swung.
Let's do this thing. :rainbowdetermined2:
YATTA!! I did it, I finished something.
Do you know that feel when you've been writing (or procrastianting on writing to be fair) for 11 hours because you're one slow mofo, you're about to hit the final scene and you're like "I don't want to go on, please make it stop, all I do is shit and this will be shit and all things in general and this thing in particular is shit".
No? Lucky bastard.
Anyway, I'll spend some more time editing, but no promises the quality or this feeling will improve. I'll be looking forward to you gentlecolts and -mares ripping this thing apart.
Do you know that feel when you've been writing (or procrastianting on writing to be fair) for 11 hours because you're one slow mofo, you're about to hit the final scene and you're like "I don't want to go on, please make it stop, all I do is shit and this will be shit and all things in general and this thing in particular is shit".
No? Lucky bastard.
Anyway, I'll spend some more time editing, but no promises the quality or this feeling will improve. I'll be looking forward to you gentlecolts and -mares ripping this thing apart.
Stuck between a rock and a long drive. I can either stay up late and finish my entry, or I can go to bed and be assured a safe drive from here back to my university in South Carolina tomorrow morning/afternoon. The catch: The other person with a driver's license switched vehicles at the last second on me. I really don't want to miss (again) but it's not looking good right now. At midnight, I'm either dropping or submitting. (And if I submit, it'll likely be garbage.)
*reaches for something caffeinated*
*realizes there is nothing caffeinated in the house*
*cries a little inside*
*reaches for something caffeinated*
*realizes there is nothing caffeinated in the house*
*cries a little inside*
I'm out, folks. As with FOME's Imposing Sovereigns thing a week or so back, I've got a semi-functional idea but my free time was eaten by the dual juggernauts of daily life and polishing the ever-loving heck out of my latest FimFic story that finished posting today. That story's a good one, if I dare say so (and it's an ooooold Writeoff one from back when the "other" rounds were General not Original). But yeah.
*>>horizon submitting la merde*
Why oh why did this have to be the round I failzoerd?!
>>The_Letter_J
OTOH this is likely true anyway...
>>007Ben
Choose LIFE man!!!
*>>horizon submitting la merde*
Why oh why did this have to be the round I failzoerd?!
>>The_Letter_J
OTOH this is likely true anyway...
>>007Ben
Choose LIFE man!!!
>>CoffeeMinion Dammit, CoffeeDad. At least tell me you'll read the entries. Your reviews are, like, half the reason to participate in these things.
The other half is all the power and prestige that comes from being a horsewords champion.Also, the prostitutes.
The other half is all the power and prestige that comes from being a horsewords champion.
I just gotta say this one is beautiful. It's pretty clearly done by the same person who did Totally Not Thunderlane, but the execution is all the more sublime for the more muted colors and clearer focus on the pone and the atmosphere around them.
So basically, the opposite of >>The_Letter_J :-p
So basically, the opposite of >>The_Letter_J :-p
>>horizon
This... Is oddly encouraging. I had an idea I've been working on for days that just didn't go anywhere, and then in the past ten hours I got a significantly less involved idea that I wrote about a thousand words of but then decided wasn't worth submitting. I know exactly where I wanted to take the story, and how it would end. After reading what you said, I think I'm gonna finish and submit it. Like you said, even if it's crap it could still help someone out there.
As the time ticks down, good luck to the other people out there working to finish up stories. Seems like this round's been rough on everyone, though it's sure been fun.
This... Is oddly encouraging. I had an idea I've been working on for days that just didn't go anywhere, and then in the past ten hours I got a significantly less involved idea that I wrote about a thousand words of but then decided wasn't worth submitting. I know exactly where I wanted to take the story, and how it would end. After reading what you said, I think I'm gonna finish and submit it. Like you said, even if it's crap it could still help someone out there.
As the time ticks down, good luck to the other people out there working to finish up stories. Seems like this round's been rough on everyone, though it's sure been fun.
So this is probably the worst thing I've ever submitted to a Writeoff. I might've done better if I'd started a day or two earlier, but noooo...
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself; the damn thing's drafted, but not ready for submission by a longshot yet.Two three hours before the cut-off; here we gooooooo...
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself; the damn thing's drafted, but not ready for submission by a longshot yet.
>>Posh
Guess what, you magnificent so-and-so? You talked me into writing one anyway.
I may have pulled an all nighter here.
YEAH! </bulkbiceps>
*dies*
Guess what, you magnificent so-and-so? You talked me into writing one anyway.
I may have pulled an all nighter here.
YEAH! </bulkbiceps>
*dies*
>>CoffeeMinion Wow. I didn't even have to do anything. I just whined.
This sets a very unfortunate precedent.
This sets a very unfortunate precedent.
Well, I got stuck on what I wanted to write (and was working on another story), and by the time I figured it out, I realized I didn't have enough time to finish it and do it justice. Still, I got some done, but there's no way I'm going to get it done in the next two hours.
But hey, at least I put something in to the art half.
Good luck to everyone who got their stories done on time!
But hey, at least I put something in to the art half.
Good luck to everyone who got their stories done on time!
Okay, I know I say this every time, but this time, it actually is the very worst thing I've ever written for a writeoff. Even worse than that fart-fetish Displaced story about Cranky Doodle Donkey fighting the Third Reich in Space Mongolia.
I'm literally trembling from caffeine consumption right now and I didn't have the time, focus, or energy to give it more than one editing pass. Consequnetly, I'm willing to bet it's riddled with errors, to say nothing of just how bad it is.
I am painfully aware of its many faults, and am looking forward to other people finding new ones that I somehow missed.
I'm literally trembling from caffeine consumption right now and I didn't have the time, focus, or energy to give it more than one editing pass. Consequnetly, I'm willing to bet it's riddled with errors, to say nothing of just how bad it is.
I am painfully aware of its many faults, and am looking forward to other people finding new ones that I somehow missed.
So since I'm sick of looking at my own fic entry (always a good sign), I thought I'd try and give my thoughts on some of the art. While I trust myself to be able to pinpoint some issues in writing and try to give objective and detailed feedback, when it comes to art, my abilities to give feedback come down to "like" or "did not like", so don't expect too much.
This here looks like someone having a good grasp on perspective and proportions, but I'm not really sold on the style. While I could appreciate the thick, uncouth lines in a more abstract picture, the motive really doesn't fit the style in this one IMO. The absence of a background doesn't really help, either.
This here looks like someone having a good grasp on perspective and proportions, but I'm not really sold on the style. While I could appreciate the thick, uncouth lines in a more abstract picture, the motive really doesn't fit the style in this one IMO. The absence of a background doesn't really help, either.
I like the facial expressions, they do a good job of communicating the emotional context of the situation. I'm in a similar boat as Not_A_Hat when it comes to the edge/wall (?), though. You might have meant to imply that they bumped into each other at that corner, but IMO, that would mean 2 ponies in a heap with a broken cello, not one pony looking down on the broken cello and the pony that bumped into it. It is as though the cello was walking in front of Octavia.
This is cute and simple, and all the pieces fit together. Not overly amitious, but a cool interpretation of the prompt. I don't really get the title, though.
So a letter, with Fluttershy's cutie mark burned into it, and Rainbow's cutie mark... but is it rising smoke, or is it ashes on the floor? The perspective isn't very clear in this one to me.
I like abstract things from time to time, but I have the feeling this is both falling short and overshooting the mark. That is, it is very clear in what it depicts and leaves little wiggle room for interpretation in that regard, but at the same time, is too vague in what it wants to express. It might have worked well as a prompt for people, but it doesn't work as a piece of art for me.
I like abstract things from time to time, but I have the feeling this is both falling short and overshooting the mark. That is, it is very clear in what it depicts and leaves little wiggle room for interpretation in that regard, but at the same time, is too vague in what it wants to express. It might have worked well as a prompt for people, but it doesn't work as a piece of art for me.
I love the clash between the smooth gradient of the background and the apparitional depiction of the CMC in this one. It sets a mood, but I think there's also symbolism to the agressive red. The CMC and whatever it is that rises from their fire add mystery to the piece. It's a clichee phrase, but I really think these two join to form something more than the sum of their parts. I'd put something like this in my living room wall without hesitation.
This is really simplistic, more like a panel from a comic. The take on the ashes is great, though. Might've worked as prompt for some... maybe Bulk Biceps is alergic? ^^
I'll have to agree with the others that the walls look too thin, and while the colors are nice, I don't really see how they add to the meaning. I like how the pony inside is barely showing, which lends a bit of a creepy atmosphere to the piece, so maybe optin for moonlight might have worked better the way I see the picture.
I really like this, but I personally think it might have benefitted from even more going on. It works for me because I have to work to see things, which is mostly due to the doodly lines and the negative color scheme. Putting even more things in it and a bit distraction would make this something one could look each day and discover something new.
Certainly well executed and a great prompt. I have a problem with things burning in a vacuum, though, and somehow, the piece doesn't really communicate a mood to me.
This is easily my favorite piece from the contest. The way it's both so playful and yet precise enough to clearly depict what it wants to really enthralls me. I reminds me of a picture of a mermaid in a similar style I saw as a child... I wish I knew the artist, but I think I never did.
The perspective and the composition are awesome, but I think I have to agree that the artist and his/her art would benefit from using more sophisticated tools.
I like the faces - they work really well. Also the details on Trixie's trinkets, especially the attempt at a lense effect on the monocle. I'm not really sold on the black and white, though, and I think Sunset could've used more love... I don't think it was without intent to leave a uniform gray, but it still seems lacklustre. I also agree that the hands are a bit distracting. Trixie's done well enough I think, but Sunset's looks more like a paw/claw.
SUBMITTED SUBMITTED SUBMITTED
HAD TO CUT LOADS OF SHIT I PLANNED TO WRITE AND HALF THE STORY PROBABLY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND/OR IS RIDDLED WITH ERRORS BUT W/E
SUBMITTED SUBMITTED SUBMITTED
HAD TO CUT LOADS OF SHIT I PLANNED TO WRITE AND HALF THE STORY PROBABLY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND/OR IS RIDDLED WITH ERRORS BUT W/E
SUBMITTED SUBMITTED SUBMITTED
Alright, so I totally lied, I actually had a lot more done than I thought I did. Managed to get it in with 0 seconds to spare.
First writeoff in like, a million bajillion years.
First writeoff in like, a million bajillion years.
On the one hand, I want to hit you.
On the other hand, feghoots are supposed to get that reaction.
On the other hand, feghoots are supposed to get that reaction.
Post by
Fenton
, deleted
It seems you aimed for something simple with this story and you reached something simple.
Aside from that (and a few nitpicks), I don't really know what to say. The story is very Slice of Life, to a certain point where I feel it could be done the same with only a few sentences.
Nothing great came out and nothing terrible came out. Even if you never tell why and how Vinyl broke Octavia's cello, I wasn't really pissed by it, just a bit annoyed. It was still a pleasant reading but I think it lacks that little spark who makes stories shine brighter (even if they have some flaws).
The premise is good, the execution is too and the ending follows suit.
That's why before I'll dive into nitpicking, I would still offer some encouragements for a later rework, because from my POV, I think you can make this story great by emphasizing one little thing or two.
For the little details, the beginning felt a bit clumsy with the repetitions of 'Vinyl' and 'Octavia' and the fact that the POV starts as an external one before jumping from Vinyl to Octavia.
Conclusion: solid and good but unfortunately forgetable. Probably a mid-tier.
Aside from that (and a few nitpicks), I don't really know what to say. The story is very Slice of Life, to a certain point where I feel it could be done the same with only a few sentences.
Nothing great came out and nothing terrible came out. Even if you never tell why and how Vinyl broke Octavia's cello, I wasn't really pissed by it, just a bit annoyed. It was still a pleasant reading but I think it lacks that little spark who makes stories shine brighter (even if they have some flaws).
The premise is good, the execution is too and the ending follows suit.
That's why before I'll dive into nitpicking, I would still offer some encouragements for a later rework, because from my POV, I think you can make this story great by emphasizing one little thing or two.
For the little details, the beginning felt a bit clumsy with the repetitions of 'Vinyl' and 'Octavia' and the fact that the POV starts as an external one before jumping from Vinyl to Octavia.
Conclusion: solid and good but unfortunately forgetable. Probably a mid-tier.
I'm surprised to see that someone came up with the story for this art. And I'm even more surprised to see that the story was a good one too.
A nice comedy with funny interactions between one of our favoritecouple best friends. Their personnality remind me a lot of what you could find in the webcomic Silly Lyra.
The ending is a bit jarring though, mainly because Fluttershy and Discord pop up in the story for apparently no reason than giving an ending to the story. Also, careful with the code.
A nice comedy with funny interactions between one of our favorite
The ending is a bit jarring though, mainly because Fluttershy and Discord pop up in the story for apparently no reason than giving an ending to the story. Also, careful with the code.
The banter between the two and the development towards the super hero name was well done. I also liked that you used Donut Steel... although I had the artwork almost right next to it, it was a fun surprise to unperceptive old me.
As far as criticism goes, I want to agree with Fenton on the ending: Introducing both Fluttershy and Discord to the story just to highlight that Discord was not the cheesy and incompetent super villain felt unnecessary.
Another thing I'd watch out for if I were you besides the code (you can check how your entries appear on the site once you have submitted them, so there's really littel excuse), is the use of adverbs. You are using them far too frequently, especially during dialogue attributions. So much so that at one time I thought you were not only making fun of the Shadow Ashes batwing alicorn OC, but also of the quality of writing that usually plagues stories revolving around such OC's on a meta level, but the rest of the writing is far too good for that hypothesis to hold up, so I don't think it was intentional.
If I were to name one thing to improve the quality of your prose, it'd be cutting the number of adverbs down to 1/4, or even 1/5. As little as you can manage. It's really dragging your writing down IMO.
As far as criticism goes, I want to agree with Fenton on the ending: Introducing both Fluttershy and Discord to the story just to highlight that Discord was not the cheesy and incompetent super villain felt unnecessary.
Another thing I'd watch out for if I were you besides the code (you can check how your entries appear on the site once you have submitted them, so there's really littel excuse), is the use of adverbs. You are using them far too frequently, especially during dialogue attributions. So much so that at one time I thought you were not only making fun of the Shadow Ashes batwing alicorn OC, but also of the quality of writing that usually plagues stories revolving around such OC's on a meta level, but the rest of the writing is far too good for that hypothesis to hold up, so I don't think it was intentional.
If I were to name one thing to improve the quality of your prose, it'd be cutting the number of adverbs down to 1/4, or even 1/5. As little as you can manage. It's really dragging your writing down IMO.
A very fitting story to come out of that drawing. This is adorable!
and heartbreaking. like a Dickens-style social critique story. or maybe a bit like Persepolis.
this may not be everyone's type of fic, using OCs in an original setting (OS?) but I really like seeing how these types of stories connect back to the original source. Even when the theme isn't so optimistic, it's fun as a new outside perspective. I liked the details of this island culture and how they react to Princess Twilight. I loved how all the misunderstandings, like they don't understand who Celestia is or why she's supposed to be important. or how Kesu assumes all the guards are alicorns too.
nicely symbolic, while being a bit saccharine. which fits, since this character is innocent and naive. I thought that little detail was clever, working on multiple levels.
The story halts right when it's getting good. I can forgive that, the time limit is rough. But to me, it felt rushed a little before that, around when mother and father are holding the secret meetings. At that point I felt like Kesu is just being a passive observer of all these huge events. I really wanted to see more of his story, his daily life with Tresna, and how that changes. That personal perspective, from the bottom of society, is what made it so interesting in the beginning. Without that connection, the events of oppression felt kinda generic. (the author probably already knows all this and was just rushing to get it done)
very cute characters, I'm interested in seeing it properly completed.
and heartbreaking. like a Dickens-style social critique story. or maybe a bit like Persepolis.
this may not be everyone's type of fic, using OCs in an original setting (OS?) but I really like seeing how these types of stories connect back to the original source. Even when the theme isn't so optimistic, it's fun as a new outside perspective. I liked the details of this island culture and how they react to Princess Twilight. I loved how all the misunderstandings, like they don't understand who Celestia is or why she's supposed to be important. or how Kesu assumes all the guards are alicorns too.
The thought strikes me like a falling star.
nicely symbolic, while being a bit saccharine. which fits, since this character is innocent and naive. I thought that little detail was clever, working on multiple levels.
The story halts right when it's getting good. I can forgive that, the time limit is rough. But to me, it felt rushed a little before that, around when mother and father are holding the secret meetings. At that point I felt like Kesu is just being a passive observer of all these huge events. I really wanted to see more of his story, his daily life with Tresna, and how that changes. That personal perspective, from the bottom of society, is what made it so interesting in the beginning. Without that connection, the events of oppression felt kinda generic. (the author probably already knows all this and was just rushing to get it done)
very cute characters, I'm interested in seeing it properly completed.
Now that was surreal. and unexpected. and morbid.
luckily, I'm into all three.
It starts off pretty shocking, like a random series of unfortunate events. I like that it doesn't reveal its cards just yet, letting the moment build up as awkward and horrifying, though not dramatic. and THEN it slowly reveals that Vinyl is cursed. and for some reason, the timing of this works just right, at least for me! like, "duh, of course this is what's happening. what else did you think it would be?" It's just the right level of absurd to click with me.
some of the technical parts of the plot could be fleshed out more -- I want to know just a little bit more about how this contract happened. does this mean Vinyl will live forever, or at least until Octavia dies of old age? is Octavia in danger of getting caught in one of these accidents too? it's not a huge deal, it doesn't need to go into the entire dang backstory, but it feels like it's teasing me.
the climactic reunion is the standard cliche, which I don't mean to say is bad, but that it's acceptable and works. I admit that it was sweet and made me smile... which makes the final line all the more funnier when it hits. It works on an emotional level, it feels adequately earned, but I think it needs more buildup along the rom-com tropes. The "break-up over a misunderstanding" scene (not literally) didn't hit very hard, just as a mild disappointment. The hotel scenes with Vinyl are great, though she doesn't get to do much physically (for her safety). I think we need more of Octavia's emotional turmoil, because it's only explored for a few paragraphs here. She can be physical, lashing out at the external world around her, in contrast with Vinyl who is cooped up internally.
So yeah, instead of a romantic-comedy, we somehow got a romantic-black-comedy out of that picture prompt. It starts with that broken cello, introduces some new ideas, and develops them towards a conclusion. It might seem like a non-sequitur, but I see it as mixing in a creative spin on the text prompt. It lives up to the core spirit, rebuilding out of destruction, without turning it into a parody for the sake of humor.
A very strange and silly story, but I think it's got some real substance hidden in there.
luckily, I'm into all three.
It starts off pretty shocking, like a random series of unfortunate events. I like that it doesn't reveal its cards just yet, letting the moment build up as awkward and horrifying, though not dramatic. and THEN it slowly reveals that Vinyl is cursed. and for some reason, the timing of this works just right, at least for me! like, "duh, of course this is what's happening. what else did you think it would be?" It's just the right level of absurd to click with me.
some of the technical parts of the plot could be fleshed out more -- I want to know just a little bit more about how this contract happened. does this mean Vinyl will live forever, or at least until Octavia dies of old age? is Octavia in danger of getting caught in one of these accidents too? it's not a huge deal, it doesn't need to go into the entire dang backstory, but it feels like it's teasing me.
the climactic reunion is the standard cliche, which I don't mean to say is bad, but that it's acceptable and works. I admit that it was sweet and made me smile... which makes the final line all the more funnier when it hits. It works on an emotional level, it feels adequately earned, but I think it needs more buildup along the rom-com tropes. The "break-up over a misunderstanding" scene (not literally) didn't hit very hard, just as a mild disappointment. The hotel scenes with Vinyl are great, though she doesn't get to do much physically (for her safety). I think we need more of Octavia's emotional turmoil, because it's only explored for a few paragraphs here. She can be physical, lashing out at the external world around her, in contrast with Vinyl who is cooped up internally.
So yeah, instead of a romantic-comedy, we somehow got a romantic-black-comedy out of that picture prompt. It starts with that broken cello, introduces some new ideas, and develops them towards a conclusion. It might seem like a non-sequitur, but I see it as mixing in a creative spin on the text prompt. It lives up to the core spirit, rebuilding out of destruction, without turning it into a parody for the sake of humor.
A very strange and silly story, but I think it's got some real substance hidden in there.
I had a terrible, terrible idea. And it was funny in a bad way, but I could never quite get to putting it into words. i blame Imposing Sovereigns for sapping all my energy last week and am counting that as my Writeoff for the month instead!
All right kids, I guess my reviews are back by Posh-pular demand!
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Genre: Slice of Crack
Thoughts: How could I not start with this one, given its title? There are a lot of near misses with greatness in this one. Now I know that's kind of awful to say, but Author, please take this as encouragement that this should polish up nicely. The dings should largely buff out.
IMO the biggest strength of the piece is its portrayal and balance of LyraBon's cozy best-friendship with the stone cold brutal buttkicking that Bon Bon can dish out. I mean she's grabbing support beams and knocking the living crap out of that alicorn, and then they turn around and get ice cream, and both things feel 100% authentic and emotionally resonant. I don't know how you do that, but I want some, please. The feel and imagery of the OTT alicorn attack bits are also good.
So yeah, the less good stuff is formatting, and some general... call it sub-optimization of the prose. I'm being squirrelly there, but the gist is that I feel like a lot of sentences could be tightened up. Probably the biggest issue is that ending, though; it's trying for a joke that doesn't quite land, and that's a bummer of a note to end on.
Overall though, this is entertaining and I think it will do well.
Tier: Almost There
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Genre: Slice of Crack
Thoughts: How could I not start with this one, given its title? There are a lot of near misses with greatness in this one. Now I know that's kind of awful to say, but Author, please take this as encouragement that this should polish up nicely. The dings should largely buff out.
IMO the biggest strength of the piece is its portrayal and balance of LyraBon's cozy best-friendship with the stone cold brutal buttkicking that Bon Bon can dish out. I mean she's grabbing support beams and knocking the living crap out of that alicorn, and then they turn around and get ice cream, and both things feel 100% authentic and emotionally resonant. I don't know how you do that, but I want some, please. The feel and imagery of the OTT alicorn attack bits are also good.
So yeah, the less good stuff is formatting, and some general... call it sub-optimization of the prose. I'm being squirrelly there, but the gist is that I feel like a lot of sentences could be tightened up. Probably the biggest issue is that ending, though; it's trying for a joke that doesn't quite land, and that's a bummer of a note to end on.
Overall though, this is entertaining and I think it will do well.
Tier: Almost There
[b]Nice job with the del[i]berate fuck ups. That [ /i]s, if they were intentional... [ /b]
The comedy at some places were more a of a miss than a hit. That mostly being where the duo would quip sarcastic lines back and forth between another. Some jokes not made to last long would go on for a little bit longer than what I would welcome them for, like the whole sidekick biz. Though, I'm not saying that a joke that stays is always bad. Other jokes like the ace-detective secret job thing moved smoothly through the fic. The difference between the two for me is how the sidekick stuff is them just dreaming and discussing of what could be, while the secret job bit would be of them actually acting out as if they were just that. The sheer insanity of the entire fic and the short length of it, however, helped pull through those somewhat unfunny moments. The puns also never get old by how dumb they are.
But hey, everyone has their own sense of humor.
The comedy at some places were more a of a miss than a hit. That mostly being where the duo would quip sarcastic lines back and forth between another. Some jokes not made to last long would go on for a little bit longer than what I would welcome them for, like the whole sidekick biz. Though, I'm not saying that a joke that stays is always bad. Other jokes like the ace-detective secret job thing moved smoothly through the fic. The difference between the two for me is how the sidekick stuff is them just dreaming and discussing of what could be, while the secret job bit would be of them actually acting out as if they were just that. The sheer insanity of the entire fic and the short length of it, however, helped pull through those somewhat unfunny moments. The puns also never get old by how dumb they are.
But hey, everyone has their own sense of humor.
(Up In Smoke)
That was far more entertaining than it had any right to be, especially as someone who loves both Philomena and phoenixes in general. I was more surprised at just how solid the concept ended up being… save for the little ‘reveal’ at the end. As in, the author actually worked in some logical results and threw in some lore just for kicks, even if it did come across a tad bit like an ad for one of those legalization propositions occasionally.
Quite amusing.
That was far more entertaining than it had any right to be, especially as someone who loves both Philomena and phoenixes in general. I was more surprised at just how solid the concept ended up being… save for the little ‘reveal’ at the end. As in, the author actually worked in some logical results and threw in some lore just for kicks, even if it did come across a tad bit like an ad for one of those legalization propositions occasionally.
Quite amusing.
Genre: Crackfic that swerves into making its own kind of weird internal sense and being funnier for it
Thoughts: Okay, so we're blazing (420) along here with what's pretty obviously an over the top crackfic setup. It's funny if a little crude, but of course it can't end well, right? Then suddenly we cut to Most Tsundere Pone of all people, and the comedy drops off pretty hard for a few minutes, only to come roaring back with a vengeance toward the end of her sequence. It's actually kind of a neat bait-and-switch that helps the story hit harder by injecting just enough (skewed) logic into the absurdity of its premise.
I think this could be polarizing, though, because the overall premise is just so weird, and because the ending provides a very different interpretation of a beloved character that at once both works in the story's context and feels deeply uncomfortable outside of it.
But hey, it's comedy that tap-dances its way across more than one land mine while remaining funny throughout (except for the one hard transition). It's crazy, and silly, and I think it sets a high bar for the level of comedy in a Writeoff that seems to have brought out some serious silliness. And it's polished from a technical perspective as well, other than maybe needing some cleanup of adverb use in places.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Okay, so we're blazing (420) along here with what's pretty obviously an over the top crackfic setup. It's funny if a little crude, but of course it can't end well, right? Then suddenly we cut to Most Tsundere Pone of all people, and the comedy drops off pretty hard for a few minutes, only to come roaring back with a vengeance toward the end of her sequence. It's actually kind of a neat bait-and-switch that helps the story hit harder by injecting just enough (skewed) logic into the absurdity of its premise.
I think this could be polarizing, though, because the overall premise is just so weird, and because the ending provides a very different interpretation of a beloved character that at once both works in the story's context and feels deeply uncomfortable outside of it.
But hey, it's comedy that tap-dances its way across more than one land mine while remaining funny throughout (except for the one hard transition). It's crazy, and silly, and I think it sets a high bar for the level of comedy in a Writeoff that seems to have brought out some serious silliness. And it's polished from a technical perspective as well, other than maybe needing some cleanup of adverb use in places.
Tier: Top Contender
Err
I have nothing to say but that will make for a fifth message and all the people will be so jealous. :P
I have nothing to say but that will make for a fifth message and all the people will be so jealous. :P
Author nooooooo! You've cliff-hung us for all eternity! :raritydespair:
Seriously though. Unless the point of your conflict is for it not to be answered, like if it's an abstract or philosophical question type thing, leaving the story without a resolution feels... I don't want to say "cheap" but that's probably the closest way to describe how it feels. You built this issue up for the whole story almost, and then just didn't resolve it. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather this have had a concrete ending.
Aside from that, this story has a fascinating concept. I think it'd have been nice to know why or how the princesses are the way they are, but that wasn't the focus as much as the Crusaders dealing with the after-effects so I don't think it's a problem with the story to not explain that. I do wish we spent more time with the Crusaders, like if the partying was actually described. It'd be cool to see how they've developed over the years between this fic and the current show.
Seriously though. Unless the point of your conflict is for it not to be answered, like if it's an abstract or philosophical question type thing, leaving the story without a resolution feels... I don't want to say "cheap" but that's probably the closest way to describe how it feels. You built this issue up for the whole story almost, and then just didn't resolve it. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather this have had a concrete ending.
Aside from that, this story has a fascinating concept. I think it'd have been nice to know why or how the princesses are the way they are, but that wasn't the focus as much as the Crusaders dealing with the after-effects so I don't think it's a problem with the story to not explain that. I do wish we spent more time with the Crusaders, like if the partying was actually described. It'd be cool to see how they've developed over the years between this fic and the current show.
Well, given my failure to enter something and this being the image I was going to choose I am glad someone did! And this is a much much better way to go about it than the hilarious abomination I had in mind. Kudos
I really want to hit you.But at least it made me mad giggle. It's got that going for it.
>>Kritten
You know what, I honestly thought the first missed tag was part of the joke, and I laughed. It was only when it became so recurring that I realized it had to be a situation where the story got submitted without the Author checking back to make sure it rendered as intended.
You know what, I honestly thought the first missed tag was part of the joke, and I laughed. It was only when it became so recurring that I realized it had to be a situation where the story got submitted without the Author checking back to make sure it rendered as intended.
Excellent use of the prompt here, and I can see how the colors of the chosen artwork inspired the thought of molten metal here. Very cool. Also, the prose runs smoothly, and I had no problem picturing the events. There are some word and tense errors, but given the little time to edit, I don't think that's something anyone should be faulted for. Good craftsmanship at work here.
What made the story fall a bit flat for me was that it didn't really engage me. Concerning characterization, Iron Hooves and all the support characters remain very flat throughout the whole story. The events themselves are not really telling a story, but more of a backstory... at no point in time did I think "I really want to know what happens next." This might work as an epilogue after a longer fic that tells the whole story of the war, with a fully fleshed out Iron Hooves as the protagonist, but standing on its own, it failed to hook me in as a reader.
What made the story fall a bit flat for me was that it didn't really engage me. Concerning characterization, Iron Hooves and all the support characters remain very flat throughout the whole story. The events themselves are not really telling a story, but more of a backstory... at no point in time did I think "I really want to know what happens next." This might work as an epilogue after a longer fic that tells the whole story of the war, with a fully fleshed out Iron Hooves as the protagonist, but standing on its own, it failed to hook me in as a reader.
(Ashes of Harmony)
When I first read the name, I was worried this was going to be trite. I was so very wrong. Old soldiers and old ships… leading to a tradition that would last for over a millennium? Now that’s a good story. What’s more, it felt authentic. It felt real. This is something I could very easily belief has happened here on Earth. Frankly, if it doesn’t at all, I think that’s a crying shame.
Excellent characters. Moving scenes. Interesting bit of lore and legend. Though I was a little mixed on if this was an AU, future or something else (aside from Luna’s appearance later), I think this was a damn fine story. The moment it goes live, it’s hitting my favorite list.
Bravo!
When I first read the name, I was worried this was going to be trite. I was so very wrong. Old soldiers and old ships… leading to a tradition that would last for over a millennium? Now that’s a good story. What’s more, it felt authentic. It felt real. This is something I could very easily belief has happened here on Earth. Frankly, if it doesn’t at all, I think that’s a crying shame.
Excellent characters. Moving scenes. Interesting bit of lore and legend. Though I was a little mixed on if this was an AU, future or something else (aside from Luna’s appearance later), I think this was a damn fine story. The moment it goes live, it’s hitting my favorite list.
Bravo!
There are things about this that I really like :D I like some of the jokes a lot. I also don’t care for some of the jokes. Now, don’t take this as objective criticism, comedy is subjective and stuff, but I’ll explain my reasoning.
First of all, I like the long titles. It’s a joke I’m fond of :> One thing I especially like is you use inconsistency in titles at one point:
This was great. I liked this. :D
One thing I didn’t like was that I felt that title joke was a tad overused. I can’t give you an exact long-title-per-thousand-words ratio that draws the line between funny and unfunny (though some live by the “rule of three” in stories; three of the same joke is the limit, as a rule of thumb), but after a while I kind of got the idea, and it became less funny the more it was used. I think the same was true with the “pheoneces” joke; though, the “penis-eese” bit was a good variation and caught me off guard, good stuff :> But yeah, there were a few, maybe one too many times he was corrected.
That captures my main issue with this story, I think. It runs on a bit too long, in terms of execution. Not only are the jokes repeated just a tad too much, but I feel like there’s a bit too much explanation as well, namely in the first scene. I think it’s a bit too exposition-dense. I also think one or two of the jokes’ deliveries are a bit too wordy. I think some could’ve been cut down in places to be more punchy: For instance:
Personally, I think the last sentence could be cut; the fact that there’s a household smoke alarm in a dark cavern is funny by itself. If not that, I’d argue you could cut [that hadn’t been replaced in far too long.] since a shorter line would make it more punchy, and it’s unnecessary since you already reference the “failing” battery (perhaps “the long-failing battery” if you want to include that factoid?).
(The “swelled” joke, though; loved it :> )
I’d also make the argument that Limestone is out of character here. I get it’s crackfic, but it’s at least something I’d like to point out. I’d think she’d be much more concise in her orders, as she was in the show (“Stay off Holder’s boulder!”) as opposed to this line here:
In my opinion, it’d feel more natural and funny just to have her say something like “Now listen up, you pointy red-and-black weirdos! Stay off Holder’s boulder!”. Again, because it’s a bit more concise, and also more in character for Limestone.
Anyway, hope you thought some of that was useful. I like this story overall, but I feel some of the comedy could use a bit of tightening up. First one on my slate, so I'm putting this right at the top ;P
First of all, I like the long titles. It’s a joke I’m fond of :> One thing I especially like is you use inconsistency in titles at one point:
since the reign of our Almighty And Terrible But Actually Pretty Hot Mistress Nightmare Moon.”
“Our service to the Great And Hot But Mostly Regal Mistress Nightmare Moon
This was great. I liked this. :D
One thing I didn’t like was that I felt that title joke was a tad overused. I can’t give you an exact long-title-per-thousand-words ratio that draws the line between funny and unfunny (though some live by the “rule of three” in stories; three of the same joke is the limit, as a rule of thumb), but after a while I kind of got the idea, and it became less funny the more it was used. I think the same was true with the “pheoneces” joke; though, the “penis-eese” bit was a good variation and caught me off guard, good stuff :> But yeah, there were a few, maybe one too many times he was corrected.
That captures my main issue with this story, I think. It runs on a bit too long, in terms of execution. Not only are the jokes repeated just a tad too much, but I feel like there’s a bit too much explanation as well, namely in the first scene. I think it’s a bit too exposition-dense. I also think one or two of the jokes’ deliveries are a bit too wordy. I think some could’ve been cut down in places to be more punchy: For instance:
If Dark Lord Shadow Ashes’ eyes had burned with rage a moment hence, their smoldering soon built to levels that threatened to set off the overhead smoke alarm. Which, coincidentally, chose just that moment to chirp in reminder of the failing battery that hadn’t been replaced in far too long.
Personally, I think the last sentence could be cut; the fact that there’s a household smoke alarm in a dark cavern is funny by itself. If not that, I’d argue you could cut [that hadn’t been replaced in far too long.] since a shorter line would make it more punchy, and it’s unnecessary since you already reference the “failing” battery (perhaps “the long-failing battery” if you want to include that factoid?).
(The “swelled” joke, though; loved it :> )
I’d also make the argument that Limestone is out of character here. I get it’s crackfic, but it’s at least something I’d like to point out. I’d think she’d be much more concise in her orders, as she was in the show (“Stay off Holder’s boulder!”) as opposed to this line here:
“Oh yes I did,” she countered. “Now listen up, every last one of you pointy red-and-black weirdos! You must’ve made a wrong turn at Cucamonga or something, because this is the Pie family rock farm, and that right there is Holder’s Boulder, and rule number one at the Pie family rock farm is to stay off Holder’s Boulder!”
In my opinion, it’d feel more natural and funny just to have her say something like “Now listen up, you pointy red-and-black weirdos! Stay off Holder’s boulder!”. Again, because it’s a bit more concise, and also more in character for Limestone.
Anyway, hope you thought some of that was useful. I like this story overall, but I feel some of the comedy could use a bit of tightening up. First one on my slate, so I'm putting this right at the top ;P
Hah, I actually laughed out loud at the last line for the sheer brutality of it. Does that make me a bad person?
Prose-wise, this was good. I felt like there were a few strange constructions and hiccups in the beginning, but it got better. Not stellar, but good.
What really wore me down was the sentimantlity. I can appreciate stories that feature some sentimantelity of course, but this story felt like nothing but in the beginning. Granny Smith's talk about making great-grandchildren loosend it up a bit, but when she finally passed, I thought it was gonna be more of the same again. I was wrong of course, and I realize now this was probably deliberate to lure the reader in. Like that good friend that pats your back and consoles you before he knocks you down with a rock to the back of the head.
I won't call this brilliant, but it worked well for me. I think it's gonna be quite up there on my ballot.
Prose-wise, this was good. I felt like there were a few strange constructions and hiccups in the beginning, but it got better. Not stellar, but good.
What really wore me down was the sentimantlity. I can appreciate stories that feature some sentimantelity of course, but this story felt like nothing but in the beginning. Granny Smith's talk about making great-grandchildren loosend it up a bit, but when she finally passed, I thought it was gonna be more of the same again. I was wrong of course, and I realize now this was probably deliberate to lure the reader in. Like that good friend that pats your back and consoles you before he knocks you down with a rock to the back of the head.
I won't call this brilliant, but it worked well for me. I think it's gonna be quite up there on my ballot.
(Putri Jaran)
Imperialist Equestria, huh? With Twilight as the ‘ambassador?’ This is a bit disturbing and a bit heartbreaking… more because I see it as a possibility. And even more because I know this has actually happened more times that I can count. I would have liked to see a little more hints as to the culture and backstory of Piandel, but considering the perspective of the main character, I think it was fairly solid.
My only real issue is I didn’t feel like there was an ending. It just… petered out. Now, I know that main character would not get a perfect glimpse as to what’s going on. But that it ends on the ‘attacking soldiers’ line just doesn’t seem to fit. Almost as if the author wasn’t quite sure where to go with it. I don’t know. Something’s just missing.
Good world-building and expression of imperialism, though!
Imperialist Equestria, huh? With Twilight as the ‘ambassador?’ This is a bit disturbing and a bit heartbreaking… more because I see it as a possibility. And even more because I know this has actually happened more times that I can count. I would have liked to see a little more hints as to the culture and backstory of Piandel, but considering the perspective of the main character, I think it was fairly solid.
My only real issue is I didn’t feel like there was an ending. It just… petered out. Now, I know that main character would not get a perfect glimpse as to what’s going on. But that it ends on the ‘attacking soldiers’ line just doesn’t seem to fit. Almost as if the author wasn’t quite sure where to go with it. I don’t know. Something’s just missing.
Good world-building and expression of imperialism, though!
What? I mean... what?
Author, I don't know if it was intentional or not but you pissed me, I'm crossed and I'm starting to hate this fic. But in order to do a review l've managed to put it aside for a moment.
For a general opinion, the story was really good. In fact, it was better than what I expected when I understood what the story will be about. Going for a story about Applejack's parents death or Granny Smith's death is the easy (and sometimes lazy) way to make your reader cry. It also raises my standards pretty high and I tend to tackle them harder when they failed.
Be assured that it is not the case here. The story takes its time to slowly develop the characters and their reactions to Granny Smith dying. I wasn't strongly caught by the story but the more I was reading it, the more I was interested to see how Applejack would deal with her loss.
The dream sequence, even if far from being original, was well handled, a nice addition and heartwarming.
You avoided the biggest cliches and detailed their emotions well enough to make the story a pleasant reading.
So that should make it a strong story, placing itself between top tier and mid tier. But you had to add this last line
With that sentence, you have destroyed the rest of your story. With that sentence, you have shattered any hope I had for this story to beautifuly end.
What I mean is how can you develop the belief of a life after a death and destroyed it at the end without any subtlety nor compassion for your characters and readers?
In this story, we only saw the characters believing there is something after death and it seems that it helps them to cope with the incoming loss of their grandmother.
And then Luna says this damn line and it's the end of the story. That's not only rude, disrespectful and insensitive coming from her but it is also felt like a giant middle finger right into the face of your reader.
At a certain point in my reading, I expected the story to become a Crack Fic or a comedy. Granny would wake up or everyone would die or whatever but seeing that it kept its sad and melancolic tone, I said 'okay, we're in for a sad story about coping with the death of a relative'. And I was okay with it. But this damn last line ruined it.
This line wouldn't have been a problem if there was 2000 words more. It could even be the beginning of a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life and death, what people (and ponies) should do with the little time they have on Earth (and Equestria).
But no, Luna says to a really sad Applejack "By the way, both your grandmother and your parents are dead for good, afterlife doesn't exist, now deal with itbitch."
Even if I calmed down, I'm still enough crossed to not know how to rate this. There is everything to make a solid and strong story but this last line... just no. I want to forget about it but even if I wait two days, it would still be here and the story would end just the same.
You know, it reminds me that scene from the move Funny Games (2007) *WARNING SPOILERS*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIrA8_bjrYI
Basically two guys lock up, torture and ultimately kill a random couple and their kid.
This rewind scene is here to tell the audience "No, no. Fuck you, there won't be any kind of justice for the bad guys, and their suffering isn't over yet. You'll keep witnessing poor people getting tortured endlessly. There is no escape. You think you have saw one but no, I'll break the 4th wall just to make sure to lock it."
Do I need to say that I hated this movie?
Now, my reaction hasn't been as strong as the one I got after watching this movie but they still are similar in the way that with this line, you are violent with your reader. If it's the kind of reaction you expected, then good job, the length of my review proves that you have succeed.
PS: I apologize in advance if I didn't get what you wanted to say. I tried hard to find something else but I couldn't. So I'm deeply sorry if this line wasn't supposed to be the way I read it and only an opening for a bigger story and discussion.
I must insist again on the fact that, from the purest and objective POV, the story is a strong one and handled its premise very well.
Author, I don't know if it was intentional or not but you pissed me, I'm crossed and I'm starting to hate this fic. But in order to do a review l've managed to put it aside for a moment.
For a general opinion, the story was really good. In fact, it was better than what I expected when I understood what the story will be about. Going for a story about Applejack's parents death or Granny Smith's death is the easy (and sometimes lazy) way to make your reader cry. It also raises my standards pretty high and I tend to tackle them harder when they failed.
Be assured that it is not the case here. The story takes its time to slowly develop the characters and their reactions to Granny Smith dying. I wasn't strongly caught by the story but the more I was reading it, the more I was interested to see how Applejack would deal with her loss.
The dream sequence, even if far from being original, was well handled, a nice addition and heartwarming.
You avoided the biggest cliches and detailed their emotions well enough to make the story a pleasant reading.
So that should make it a strong story, placing itself between top tier and mid tier. But you had to add this last line
“Fair Applejack. You mentioned that your parents had passed when you were very young. Did your grandmother never tell you that there was no such place?”
With that sentence, you have destroyed the rest of your story. With that sentence, you have shattered any hope I had for this story to beautifuly end.
What I mean is how can you develop the belief of a life after a death and destroyed it at the end without any subtlety nor compassion for your characters and readers?
In this story, we only saw the characters believing there is something after death and it seems that it helps them to cope with the incoming loss of their grandmother.
And then Luna says this damn line and it's the end of the story. That's not only rude, disrespectful and insensitive coming from her but it is also felt like a giant middle finger right into the face of your reader.
At a certain point in my reading, I expected the story to become a Crack Fic or a comedy. Granny would wake up or everyone would die or whatever but seeing that it kept its sad and melancolic tone, I said 'okay, we're in for a sad story about coping with the death of a relative'. And I was okay with it. But this damn last line ruined it.
This line wouldn't have been a problem if there was 2000 words more. It could even be the beginning of a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life and death, what people (and ponies) should do with the little time they have on Earth (and Equestria).
But no, Luna says to a really sad Applejack "By the way, both your grandmother and your parents are dead for good, afterlife doesn't exist, now deal with it
Even if I calmed down, I'm still enough crossed to not know how to rate this. There is everything to make a solid and strong story but this last line... just no. I want to forget about it but even if I wait two days, it would still be here and the story would end just the same.
You know, it reminds me that scene from the move Funny Games (2007) *WARNING SPOILERS*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIrA8_bjrYI
Basically two guys lock up, torture and ultimately kill a random couple and their kid.
This rewind scene is here to tell the audience "No, no. Fuck you, there won't be any kind of justice for the bad guys, and their suffering isn't over yet. You'll keep witnessing poor people getting tortured endlessly. There is no escape. You think you have saw one but no, I'll break the 4th wall just to make sure to lock it."
Do I need to say that I hated this movie?
Now, my reaction hasn't been as strong as the one I got after watching this movie but they still are similar in the way that with this line, you are violent with your reader. If it's the kind of reaction you expected, then good job, the length of my review proves that you have succeed.
PS: I apologize in advance if I didn't get what you wanted to say. I tried hard to find something else but I couldn't. So I'm deeply sorry if this line wasn't supposed to be the way I read it and only an opening for a bigger story and discussion.
I must insist again on the fact that, from the purest and objective POV, the story is a strong one and handled its premise very well.
The first thing I have to ask myself is what genre is this?
At the beginning, it tries to pull off humor and/or randomness, which would throw off a lot of incomers who are attempting to form a first impression as to what the story actually is. For the overall story, I wouldn't consider it a slice of life because this wouldn't fall under what I'd consider a day to day representation of what Equestria would be like. It tries more on to focus on excitement, which isn't what's found in a slice of life story. However, I wouldn't consider this an adventure story either because the story focuses too much on the relationship between the two. But, I wouldn't consider it a romance story either because really, all the two are doing are bonding.
So, the entire story, to me, would just fall under bonding. That's not really much of an interesting genre tag to put your story under. For me, at least. You could probably say it's a slice of life, maybe, if you really stretch it's definition.
Secondly, I don't understand why Twilight is portrayed as the always unconfident, doesn't know anything padawon while Rainbow Dash is her know-everything Jedi teacher. Twilight has a lot more confidence in her say of things from episode one, while Rainbow Dash isn't a talker. For this story, you've bumped Twilight's charisma and intelligence down to maybe around three while upping Rainbow's charisma to ten. That's pretty insane.
Thirdly, while this is probably just me, I don't really like a lot of fluff in my stories. This story is nothing but fluff, though. So much in fact that I could make a separate bed made purely of fluff from how much you provide. I lost interest more than once while reading the story, as the entire experience doens't really build up on immersing the reader. If you want to have a story that revolves around the adventure and excitement that Twilight finds with Rainbow's teachings, focus on that and skip the rest. If you want to focus on their bonding, focus on their interactions and skip the rest. You can't do absolutely everything with your story, it can not be absolutely perfect in every single way imaginable. Once you start attempting to make it perfect in every way possible, you do yourself more harm than good. Pick a feeling that you want to give to the reader and focus on that for when you write or you'll be conflicted for the entire process of making your story.
At the beginning, it tries to pull off humor and/or randomness, which would throw off a lot of incomers who are attempting to form a first impression as to what the story actually is. For the overall story, I wouldn't consider it a slice of life because this wouldn't fall under what I'd consider a day to day representation of what Equestria would be like. It tries more on to focus on excitement, which isn't what's found in a slice of life story. However, I wouldn't consider this an adventure story either because the story focuses too much on the relationship between the two. But, I wouldn't consider it a romance story either because really, all the two are doing are bonding.
So, the entire story, to me, would just fall under bonding. That's not really much of an interesting genre tag to put your story under. For me, at least. You could probably say it's a slice of life, maybe, if you really stretch it's definition.
Secondly, I don't understand why Twilight is portrayed as the always unconfident, doesn't know anything padawon while Rainbow Dash is her know-everything Jedi teacher. Twilight has a lot more confidence in her say of things from episode one, while Rainbow Dash isn't a talker. For this story, you've bumped Twilight's charisma and intelligence down to maybe around three while upping Rainbow's charisma to ten. That's pretty insane.
Thirdly, while this is probably just me, I don't really like a lot of fluff in my stories. This story is nothing but fluff, though. So much in fact that I could make a separate bed made purely of fluff from how much you provide. I lost interest more than once while reading the story, as the entire experience doens't really build up on immersing the reader. If you want to have a story that revolves around the adventure and excitement that Twilight finds with Rainbow's teachings, focus on that and skip the rest. If you want to focus on their bonding, focus on their interactions and skip the rest. You can't do absolutely everything with your story, it can not be absolutely perfect in every single way imaginable. Once you start attempting to make it perfect in every way possible, you do yourself more harm than good. Pick a feeling that you want to give to the reader and focus on that for when you write or you'll be conflicted for the entire process of making your story.
>>Fenton
While I'm not nearly as upset as here, I do agree the last line is kind of a big 'Fuck you' to characters and reader that leaves story ending in unsatisfying manner.
While I'm not nearly as upset as here, I do agree the last line is kind of a big 'Fuck you' to characters and reader that leaves story ending in unsatisfying manner.
I want to say something unique about this piece, but I can't find anything interesting that hasn't already been said. Bravo with your style and your overall presentation.
If you were attempting to give me a chilling feeling with that background, then nice job. If you weren't... well... you should work on it. Given the foreground, though, I'm pretty sure it's the former.
"I'll make my entire piece in MSPaint, because I know barely anyone will care about overall quality anyways."
Proceeds to make a piece that I honestly can not remove from my upper tier.
:rainbowhuh:
Proceeds to make a piece that I honestly can not remove from my upper tier.
:rainbowhuh:
This story wasn't on my slate, but >>Fenton's review made me curious enough to peek at it. While I agree with the general sentiments about the story's quality, I have to disagree that the last line from Luna retroactively ruins the entire thing.
Actually, let me qualify that: As it stands, that line is a gut-punch, and an abrupt and unpleasant end to what had been a well-rounded (if somewhat done to death, conceptually speaking) story. It does not work as an ending. The comment, besides being grossly insensitive on Luna's part (I know she's awkward, but she's not heartless), serves as a nihilistic downer. I want to be generous and say that it's supposed to be a laugh line, a bit of black comedy to wash down the sappy (albeit well done) story, but if that's the case, then it still falls flat as an ending, because the rest of the story is played completely straight, and that line is the only wink that it gives to the reader.
So, as an ending, it fails. It feels like there needs to be more afterward.
If you live your life in the certainty that there is life after death, and Horse Jesus personally disabuses you of that notion, then you're going to be an emotional wreck afterward. Following that revelation with a more philosophical discussion on what life's worth without the promise of a hereafter would have completed the story, and given all that talk about "well sheeyit horse-siblin's, Granny Smith's prob'ly up thar wrasslin' cowpokes 'n brandin' cattle with th'angels, yeehaw consarnit," more thematic weight. If there's no hereafter, and no promise of Granny Smith living on after death, then what was her life worth?
And perhaps that could have closed out the story, and given it a more uplifting ending, rather than just leaving the reader with a sucking chest wound.
Speaking personally, no, I didn't feel betrayed or let down by the ending. To be honest, I was worried that it would end with Applejack smothering G.S. with a pillow as some sort of commentary on right-to-die laws. What we got instead is actually, perversely, a relief to me.
Actually, let me qualify that: As it stands, that line is a gut-punch, and an abrupt and unpleasant end to what had been a well-rounded (if somewhat done to death, conceptually speaking) story. It does not work as an ending. The comment, besides being grossly insensitive on Luna's part (I know she's awkward, but she's not heartless), serves as a nihilistic downer. I want to be generous and say that it's supposed to be a laugh line, a bit of black comedy to wash down the sappy (albeit well done) story, but if that's the case, then it still falls flat as an ending, because the rest of the story is played completely straight, and that line is the only wink that it gives to the reader.
So, as an ending, it fails. It feels like there needs to be more afterward.
If you live your life in the certainty that there is life after death, and Horse Jesus personally disabuses you of that notion, then you're going to be an emotional wreck afterward. Following that revelation with a more philosophical discussion on what life's worth without the promise of a hereafter would have completed the story, and given all that talk about "well sheeyit horse-siblin's, Granny Smith's prob'ly up thar wrasslin' cowpokes 'n brandin' cattle with th'angels, yeehaw consarnit," more thematic weight. If there's no hereafter, and no promise of Granny Smith living on after death, then what was her life worth?
And perhaps that could have closed out the story, and given it a more uplifting ending, rather than just leaving the reader with a sucking chest wound.
Speaking personally, no, I didn't feel betrayed or let down by the ending. To be honest, I was worried that it would end with Applejack smothering G.S. with a pillow as some sort of commentary on right-to-die laws. What we got instead is actually, perversely, a relief to me.