Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with the crowd. This one is just plain incoherent. It feels less “Twilight Zone” and more “obscure art film.”
I should warn you, if this doesn’t involve Tirek stealing Rod Serling’s narrator powers, I’m going to be disappointed. ;)
Oof. That was a very rough way to introduce the setting. Frankly, you didn’t need it at all. Trust the story and your readers a little more in the future. (In fact, for a moment, I also thought you were referring to some AU I wasn't familiar with.)
As for the story itself, it’s certainly an interesting concept, but you do very little with it. By the time anything actually happens, the story’s over. Plus, the idea of the Mane Six getting together and more or less recapitulating their normal roles feels like something of a wasted opportunity. An offshoot timeline means a chance for a whole new cast to step forward into the spotlight (and fail, given how this is the Tirek Triumphant timeline, but the point stands.)
Basically, this was a case of misprioritization. The interesting bits were with Discord and what he might do with the Cutie Map, but you overemphasized the past rather than the future. I hope this serves as a learning experience for a revised version of the story and your future efforts.
Oof. That was a very rough way to introduce the setting. Frankly, you didn’t need it at all. Trust the story and your readers a little more in the future. (In fact, for a moment, I also thought you were referring to some AU I wasn't familiar with.)
As for the story itself, it’s certainly an interesting concept, but you do very little with it. By the time anything actually happens, the story’s over. Plus, the idea of the Mane Six getting together and more or less recapitulating their normal roles feels like something of a wasted opportunity. An offshoot timeline means a chance for a whole new cast to step forward into the spotlight (and fail, given how this is the Tirek Triumphant timeline, but the point stands.)
Basically, this was a case of misprioritization. The interesting bits were with Discord and what he might do with the Cutie Map, but you overemphasized the past rather than the future. I hope this serves as a learning experience for a revised version of the story and your future efforts.
Calling it now: It’s a cookbook.
Oh dear. Careful with those footnotes; it could be all too easy for me to accidentally spoil myself.
Yeah, pretty much what Kettle said. Too much lead-up, dissatisfying payoff. Still, that can easily be fixed by expanding the deliberation process between the two sisters. As you add material to it, you’ll both have ample room for further absurdity and correct the imbalance between introduction and main body.
Oh dear. Careful with those footnotes; it could be all too easy for me to accidentally spoil myself.
Yeah, pretty much what Kettle said. Too much lead-up, dissatisfying payoff. Still, that can easily be fixed by expanding the deliberation process between the two sisters. As you add material to it, you’ll both have ample room for further absurdity and correct the imbalance between introduction and main body.
I did enjoy the flowery wording of this one, though think it might have made for better contrast to use it only in the Night Light segments. Then you might use simpler language in the "reality proper," and add to the idea of Night Light being trapped in a dream.
As for the story, it does what it means to and is prompt-appropriate. It did not do much for me on the creepiness level, but hey, still an enjoyable little thing.
Thanks.
As for the story, it does what it means to and is prompt-appropriate. It did not do much for me on the creepiness level, but hey, still an enjoyable little thing.
Thanks.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Terry to read it as face value?
Not everything has to be super cryptic, right?
>>JudgeDeadd
Why is that the simplest explanation?
Assuming you actually refer to the story
>>HorseVoice
Isn't that the average Bronie?
Neither quite the child, nor quite the adult.
>>Not_A_Hat
In this case, it sounds like a name; wile I guess it is a strange and unusual one?
Just noted that the sitations are less than complete.
>>shinygiratinaz
That is what I gathered about what happened, when all the details are omitted.
Terry to read it as face value?
Not everything has to be super cryptic, right?
>>JudgeDeadd
Why is that the simplest explanation?
Assuming you actually refer to the story
>>HorseVoice
Isn't that the average Bronie?
Neither quite the child, nor quite the adult.
>>Not_A_Hat
In this case, it sounds like a name; wile I guess it is a strange and unusual one?
Just noted that the sitations are less than complete.
>>shinygiratinaz
That is what I gathered about what happened, when all the details are omitted.
Why, oh why; do I have the sence of a recap of an Episode we have already seen?
>>Light_Striker
Starlight's Talent is Magic, so if she gave it up, her magic would be profoundly weak?
>>Light_Striker
Starlight's Talent is Magic, so if she gave it up, her magic would be profoundly weak?
I found myself delighted by the introductory paragraph, and it got a right cuckle out of me. Finding out that it was a somewhat disposable joke was mildly disappointing.
There were a number of moments that took me out of the fic's world, and I don't think it's a good thing. "Spoony," for example, only ends up evoking the image of this guy, which I doubt was intentional. The meta joke about stories was trying to be a bit too clever for its own good, again taking me out of the scene at hand. Finally, the elaborate cigarette lighting trick is the longest descriptive passage in the story, making it stand out… but then it doesn't do anything with the spotlight.
For all my grumbling, I found the humor very agreeable. Silver Rod was nice to listen to, while DT and Spoony were a bit of a mixed bag. Their banter fell a bit short from what I'd imagine children to sound like, acting more like trampolines for Silver to bounce off off.
I do wish we had gotten anything to tie the story together at the end, instead of an abrupt end.
There were a number of moments that took me out of the fic's world, and I don't think it's a good thing. "Spoony," for example, only ends up evoking the image of this guy, which I doubt was intentional. The meta joke about stories was trying to be a bit too clever for its own good, again taking me out of the scene at hand. Finally, the elaborate cigarette lighting trick is the longest descriptive passage in the story, making it stand out… but then it doesn't do anything with the spotlight.
For all my grumbling, I found the humor very agreeable. Silver Rod was nice to listen to, while DT and Spoony were a bit of a mixed bag. Their banter fell a bit short from what I'd imagine children to sound like, acting more like trampolines for Silver to bounce off off.
I do wish we had gotten anything to tie the story together at the end, instead of an abrupt end.
This story did not end up gelling well with me.
I found Spike's speech to be less like a toddler's, and more like… Hulk? There is a definite green-smash feel to some of his wording. "Twi have girl time, want girl time too," is something I can very vividly imagine a sulking Hulk saying.
And then… we entered fetish territory. The moment dresses were brought up I got a sinking suspicion, but then we got full on blushes and promises of, let's call it what it is, fetish sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind fetishes in general, but if you start by selling a story as a cute toddler adventure, maybe don't end with plans for bumping uglies?
PS. "forelegos?"
PPS. So wait, what is the prompt connection here? Twilight's room being off limits => Twilight Zone? So dressing up => entering The Twilight Zone? I am confuse.
I found Spike's speech to be less like a toddler's, and more like… Hulk? There is a definite green-smash feel to some of his wording. "Twi have girl time, want girl time too," is something I can very vividly imagine a sulking Hulk saying.
And then… we entered fetish territory. The moment dresses were brought up I got a sinking suspicion, but then we got full on blushes and promises of, let's call it what it is, fetish sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind fetishes in general, but if you start by selling a story as a cute toddler adventure, maybe don't end with plans for bumping uglies?
PS. "forelegos?"
PPS. So wait, what is the prompt connection here? Twilight's room being off limits => Twilight Zone? So dressing up => entering The Twilight Zone? I am confuse.
You have evocative writing, but the plotting left much to be desired.
As others have pointed out, guns are a hard sell in equestria unless you do their setup beforehand. However, I did not have that much of a problem with the gun itself.
What I had problem with was a sense of general aimlessness. We spend half the wordcount in service of a fairy good scene of Golden Earring disposing of bodies, but that follows makes basically no use of it whatsoever. There is nothing that ties thematically with her actions and what follows. What's more, we have 3 main beats to the story that taken as a whole make very little sense
- Golden Earring is disposing of the bodies of her husband and his last lover
AND THEN
- A timber wolf attacks. She starts running, and we don't see anything from the timber wolf
AND THEN
- Some other person shows up
AND THEN (bonus twist round)
- It turns out he's the timber wolf, oh noes!
It seems like the different parts are not logical plot points that we move through, but a seires of very tangentially related events. I see no reason inside the text for the timber wolf to turn out to be a timber-were-wolf. I see no connection between Golden Earring's actions and her comeuppance. What is the theme of the story? What is the moral? What is it trying to say?
I honestly have no idea. It has the texture of a horror story, sans actual horror.
As others have pointed out, guns are a hard sell in equestria unless you do their setup beforehand. However, I did not have that much of a problem with the gun itself.
What I had problem with was a sense of general aimlessness. We spend half the wordcount in service of a fairy good scene of Golden Earring disposing of bodies, but that follows makes basically no use of it whatsoever. There is nothing that ties thematically with her actions and what follows. What's more, we have 3 main beats to the story that taken as a whole make very little sense
- Golden Earring is disposing of the bodies of her husband and his last lover
AND THEN
- A timber wolf attacks. She starts running, and we don't see anything from the timber wolf
AND THEN
- Some other person shows up
AND THEN (bonus twist round)
- It turns out he's the timber wolf, oh noes!
It seems like the different parts are not logical plot points that we move through, but a seires of very tangentially related events. I see no reason inside the text for the timber wolf to turn out to be a timber-were-wolf. I see no connection between Golden Earring's actions and her comeuppance. What is the theme of the story? What is the moral? What is it trying to say?
I honestly have no idea. It has the texture of a horror story, sans actual horror.
Genre: FEELS
Thoughts: What an emotional kicker. Of course it'd be nice to get more background information on the reason for having the probe out there, and its presence inspires curiosity about its mission, but this is a perfectly functional slice of sadness all on its own.
I feel like it could be stronger, but I'm struggling to nail down specifics. Maybe I'll just point at >>Zaid Val'Roa and call it good.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: What an emotional kicker. Of course it'd be nice to get more background information on the reason for having the probe out there, and its presence inspires curiosity about its mission, but this is a perfectly functional slice of sadness all on its own.
I feel like it could be stronger, but I'm struggling to nail down specifics. Maybe I'll just point at >>Zaid Val'Roa and call it good.
Tier: Strong
Genre: A Hero Falls
Thoughts: For me, the story didn't really start until this line:
Everything before that felt vestigial, and unfortunately the lines right after it suffered from a confusing lack of attribution. Also the middle chunk felt unnecessary. Or maybe you could move it to the beginning, and have Evening Star say that she's planning to talk to Luna, instead of already having done it? That could be a good setup.
I was OK with the twist, and I think it's interesting to see Luna's downfall come more from a feeling of uselessness than what I'd usually expect. Also, I think the batpony had the funniest and strongest bits, and I think there's some good emotional resonance to having her be a triggering cause for Luna to turn. If anything, I'd say give the batpony more lines and focus and see where it goes!
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: For me, the story didn't really start until this line:
"I could never be like my sister."
Everything before that felt vestigial, and unfortunately the lines right after it suffered from a confusing lack of attribution. Also the middle chunk felt unnecessary. Or maybe you could move it to the beginning, and have Evening Star say that she's planning to talk to Luna, instead of already having done it? That could be a good setup.
I was OK with the twist, and I think it's interesting to see Luna's downfall come more from a feeling of uselessness than what I'd usually expect. Also, I think the batpony had the funniest and strongest bits, and I think there's some good emotional resonance to having her be a triggering cause for Luna to turn. If anything, I'd say give the batpony more lines and focus and see where it goes!
Tier: Needs Work
So the overall surreal experience is kinda fine, actually. What isn't fine is the overall writing quality, unfortunately. As pointed out, there are a lot of errors like the semi-colon thing that need to be cleaned up. I'm kinda hard-pressed to go in-depth on what exactly is wrong with the writing, but there is a large element of just needing to improve as a writer here. I recommend doing a little more reading and looking at how people construct sentences and dialogue.
I'm dispensing with my usual format here because I don't know what I want to do with this one.
For me, the the best part of this was the sheer creativity of the dizzying array of Twilights floating and bickering in the middle section. That stuff was a joy to behold.
I'm gonna be honest, the rest of the framing story didn't do much for me. I almost think it could've started at "Blinking twice after her teleport" because I didn't feel like there was enough stuff in the initial framing piece to hook me. It was just kinda long and not very punchy. Cutting the beginning would've helped keep the tone more consistently funny throughout, which would've helped the ending land better. Similarly, I wish the middle section had ended at "And so the work began", because the paragraph after it was suitably wacky but just feels off to me. It's a case where fewer specifics would've helped maintain the tone better IMO.
I dunno, There are really strong bits, and then (judging by the other reviews) there are bits that seem to work for everyone but me. I'm not sure what that means in terms of ranking. I'll have to give it further thought.
For me, the the best part of this was the sheer creativity of the dizzying array of Twilights floating and bickering in the middle section. That stuff was a joy to behold.
I'm gonna be honest, the rest of the framing story didn't do much for me. I almost think it could've started at "Blinking twice after her teleport" because I didn't feel like there was enough stuff in the initial framing piece to hook me. It was just kinda long and not very punchy. Cutting the beginning would've helped keep the tone more consistently funny throughout, which would've helped the ending land better. Similarly, I wish the middle section had ended at "And so the work began", because the paragraph after it was suitably wacky but just feels off to me. It's a case where fewer specifics would've helped maintain the tone better IMO.
I dunno, There are really strong bits, and then (judging by the other reviews) there are bits that seem to work for everyone but me. I'm not sure what that means in terms of ranking. I'll have to give it further thought.
Gonna echo the above re: paragraph breaks. It makes it really hard to track what's going on in a two character scene, which should never be the case.
Beyond that... I dunno. I think putting the weight of the story's interesting material at the back was a mistake. Like, this isn't really so much a twist (IMO) as a misordered story. The revelation doesn't particularly recontextualize the preceding information in a particularly -interesting- way: it just makes it less mundane. Further, what the change is is actually... really unclear all things told.
This line is really awkward, as it implies this change happened -super- recently. Like, within the last five minutes recently.
I dunno, basically, despite creating an AU, you don't really present any meat to it. I don't get why Twilight and Daring Do are opposing each other, why they are aligned to who they are aligned to, who is good, who is evil, why one group is superior to the other, etc.
Beyond that... I dunno. I think putting the weight of the story's interesting material at the back was a mistake. Like, this isn't really so much a twist (IMO) as a misordered story. The revelation doesn't particularly recontextualize the preceding information in a particularly -interesting- way: it just makes it less mundane. Further, what the change is is actually... really unclear all things told.
Twilight took a moment to look up at the brilliant white moon that now held a different mare on its face and a rainbow around it like a shawl.
This line is really awkward, as it implies this change happened -super- recently. Like, within the last five minutes recently.
I dunno, basically, despite creating an AU, you don't really present any meat to it. I don't get why Twilight and Daring Do are opposing each other, why they are aligned to who they are aligned to, who is good, who is evil, why one group is superior to the other, etc.
Genre: Abbreviated romance/slice-of-life
Thoughts: I'll echo >>Astrarian in finding it a bit off that Fancy just comes out with everything on his mind. I suspect it was an attempt to help set the scene and ensconce Fancy as our hero who might undergo a journey of self-discovery, but I feel it was a little out-of-tune. I'll also second >>SPark in that this seems like a great intro to a shipfic.
Normally I pick on stories for failing to be "complete," and this seemed to reflect a conscious decision to use its remaining word count to develop the attraction between the characters rather than to deliver closure to the plot arc as a whole. And yet, I feel like the story made the right choice in doing what it did. The attraction ends up being the story's take-away, as well as the culmination of the plot. So it's not so much a romance as it is a tale of budding attraction. I think I'm okay with that, even though I want to know more.
Tier: Almost There.
Thoughts: I'll echo >>Astrarian in finding it a bit off that Fancy just comes out with everything on his mind. I suspect it was an attempt to help set the scene and ensconce Fancy as our hero who might undergo a journey of self-discovery, but I feel it was a little out-of-tune. I'll also second >>SPark in that this seems like a great intro to a shipfic.
Normally I pick on stories for failing to be "complete," and this seemed to reflect a conscious decision to use its remaining word count to develop the attraction between the characters rather than to deliver closure to the plot arc as a whole. And yet, I feel like the story made the right choice in doing what it did. The attraction ends up being the story's take-away, as well as the culmination of the plot. So it's not so much a romance as it is a tale of budding attraction. I think I'm okay with that, even though I want to know more.
Tier: Almost There.
This mostly left me confused. The intro line sounded like the name of a particular fan 'verse. Then I thought, okay, one of the alternate realities from the S5 finale. But all the ponies sounded wrong, and it wasn't until I re-read it that I noticed their marks were switched. Now it feels like it's piling one alternate-universe on top of another.
I think the actual "what's going on?" problem isn't helped by the fact that this is basically a six way conversation. That's difficult at the best of times, but a nightmare in such a short format. Ditto the setting. It opens with Twilight in "her" cage. Yet, later, we see clearly all the mane 6 are in the same cage. It's been long enough since I saw the episode that I don't recall which it was, so this was all just fuzzy when reading here.
Bottom line, I think there's a strong idea here, of what that other world looked like. But as a standalone story, it's not doing more than saying "Hey, how sad would they all be in that other universe?"
I think the actual "what's going on?" problem isn't helped by the fact that this is basically a six way conversation. That's difficult at the best of times, but a nightmare in such a short format. Ditto the setting. It opens with Twilight in "her" cage. Yet, later, we see clearly all the mane 6 are in the same cage. It's been long enough since I saw the episode that I don't recall which it was, so this was all just fuzzy when reading here.
Bottom line, I think there's a strong idea here, of what that other world looked like. But as a standalone story, it's not doing more than saying "Hey, how sad would they all be in that other universe?"
Genre:
Thoughts: WOW, after reading both this and The Twilight Council, I totally get why >>Posh compared them. I mean, they don't seem like they're aiming at being the same kind of story (except inasmuch as they're both wacky comedies... hmm...) but the concept they draw upon in their middle sections is uncannily similar. And as much as I hate to say it, Author, I feel like The Twilight Council makes a stronger and funnier use of that concept in its middle section. Bringing in Dusk Shine and Future Twilight is a clear attempt at something similar, but if we're going with "Infinite Twilights," then we need some more off-the-wall Twilights to keep things maximally interesting.
Now, since I've already done the gauche thing and compared two stories so directly, I'll double-down on that comparison and say that I feel like this delivers the more satisfying opening by far. That first sentence is an almighty run-on but dang that's how you start a crackfic!! As for the ending, I'll go with >>horizon in calling it a bit subdued, but it worked for me regardless; the thing with the miniskirt recurred often enough that I got a smile from Twilight-chan's proposed alternative.
The main thing I'll say here is that The Twilight Council shows us how this could've made stronger use of the central concept, but I think this does an overall stronger and more consistent job of being the kind of story it's trying to be, if that makes sense.
Tier: Almost There
John Romero'sTwilight Sparkle's
About To Make YouHisHerbuy some apples!Friend
Thoughts: WOW, after reading both this and The Twilight Council, I totally get why >>Posh compared them. I mean, they don't seem like they're aiming at being the same kind of story (except inasmuch as they're both wacky comedies... hmm...) but the concept they draw upon in their middle sections is uncannily similar. And as much as I hate to say it, Author, I feel like The Twilight Council makes a stronger and funnier use of that concept in its middle section. Bringing in Dusk Shine and Future Twilight is a clear attempt at something similar, but if we're going with "Infinite Twilights," then we need some more off-the-wall Twilights to keep things maximally interesting.
Now, since I've already done the gauche thing and compared two stories so directly, I'll double-down on that comparison and say that I feel like this delivers the more satisfying opening by far. That first sentence is an almighty run-on but dang that's how you start a crackfic!! As for the ending, I'll go with >>horizon in calling it a bit subdued, but it worked for me regardless; the thing with the miniskirt recurred often enough that I got a smile from Twilight-chan's proposed alternative.
The main thing I'll say here is that The Twilight Council shows us how this could've made stronger use of the central concept, but I think this does an overall stronger and more consistent job of being the kind of story it's trying to be, if that makes sense.
Tier: Almost There
It's cute, but lacking.
Like the climax of this little arc is the moment where they see the heavens and it's kind of understated. Like, this should have been an absolutely mind blowing image that fills us with awe and wonder and... it really doesn't deliver. This is your big whammy. Your awesome moment. The big climactic attack in the final battle, the first passionate kiss, the sick burn that ends argumentation forever. If you want to hang your defining emotional moment on a wondrous image, you need to deliver on that image.
And yeah, I was debating mentioning this since I wasn't sure I was being too sensitive, but you have a -lot- of adverbs.
All told, I dunno. I think the idea is somewhat flawed here. This scene puts me in mind of the respective scenes about stars. Mufasa gives Simba a reason to look up at the stars and feel loved, but Celestia... Celestia more or less leaves them as great big balls of gas burning billions of miles away that, for some reason, should fill her with love. Like, I sorta get the logic, but the connection feels much weaker.
Like the climax of this little arc is the moment where they see the heavens and it's kind of understated. Like, this should have been an absolutely mind blowing image that fills us with awe and wonder and... it really doesn't deliver. This is your big whammy. Your awesome moment. The big climactic attack in the final battle, the first passionate kiss, the sick burn that ends argumentation forever. If you want to hang your defining emotional moment on a wondrous image, you need to deliver on that image.
And yeah, I was debating mentioning this since I wasn't sure I was being too sensitive, but you have a -lot- of adverbs.
All told, I dunno. I think the idea is somewhat flawed here. This scene puts me in mind of the respective scenes about stars. Mufasa gives Simba a reason to look up at the stars and feel loved, but Celestia... Celestia more or less leaves them as great big balls of gas burning billions of miles away that, for some reason, should fill her with love. Like, I sorta get the logic, but the connection feels much weaker.
Okay, I loved the "Dad joke" bit, and the overall tone shows a loving and supportive father. But...
Spike's language feels more "hulk" than toddler. Granted, not every kid developer language in quite the same way, but "Twi have girl time, want girl time too" shows an understanding of compound sentence structure that usually comes well after the use of pronouns. Likewise, almost all toddlers I've been around use "-y" nicknames. Twily, not just "Twi." So "Twily get girl time. I want girl time!" would sound better, IMHO. Similarly, the "elation!" and "misery!" bits showing emotional glimpse stick as there's nothing similar later for other things (like seeing the tiara.)
Secondly, the reasoning for Spike's demand is unclear. He wants girl time, but it's not shown that he knows the difference between that and "boy time." It'd be better if it's clearer. That Twilight is having a tea party, or that her mom is helping her play dress up, or more practically, get ready for a school dance or something. Then he wants the same. Or maybe he just likes pretty (or shiny) and wants that. At the end of the day, I think this story is trying to show that boys can want girly things too. But... that makes the age-old mistake of assuming some things are inherently girly or boyish, rather than showing that people/ponies/dragons just like what they like, and explain those reasons instead.
Lastly, as others have mentioned, there's some fetish vibes this puts off. Which are then basically confirmed by the ending. It plays less as "let kids decide their own interests" and more like Night Light already had something going on in the cross-dressing department.
Overall, I like what I think this story was trying to do, and there are some good moments in it, but there's enough awkwardness that it doesn't make top tier for me.
Spike's language feels more "hulk" than toddler. Granted, not every kid developer language in quite the same way, but "Twi have girl time, want girl time too" shows an understanding of compound sentence structure that usually comes well after the use of pronouns. Likewise, almost all toddlers I've been around use "-y" nicknames. Twily, not just "Twi." So "Twily get girl time. I want girl time!" would sound better, IMHO. Similarly, the "elation!" and "misery!" bits showing emotional glimpse stick as there's nothing similar later for other things (like seeing the tiara.)
Secondly, the reasoning for Spike's demand is unclear. He wants girl time, but it's not shown that he knows the difference between that and "boy time." It'd be better if it's clearer. That Twilight is having a tea party, or that her mom is helping her play dress up, or more practically, get ready for a school dance or something. Then he wants the same. Or maybe he just likes pretty (or shiny) and wants that. At the end of the day, I think this story is trying to show that boys can want girly things too. But... that makes the age-old mistake of assuming some things are inherently girly or boyish, rather than showing that people/ponies/dragons just like what they like, and explain those reasons instead.
Lastly, as others have mentioned, there's some fetish vibes this puts off. Which are then basically confirmed by the ending. It plays less as "let kids decide their own interests" and more like Night Light already had something going on in the cross-dressing department.
Overall, I like what I think this story was trying to do, and there are some good moments in it, but there's enough awkwardness that it doesn't make top tier for me.
I realize "just pick it up" is no small part of pony lore, but ponies and guns are one of those things that kinda push against that in a weird way. And I say this as someone who is a huge fan of Octavia. So it is always a risk that, when you introduce tools to ponies, you're gonna create disconnect.
Lotta missed commas.
That final exchange between Golden and the driver is... weird. Like, she kinda folds the lie with no actual reason to do so. She has a half-dozen outs. "I didn't have a cart" "I ditched it when the timber wolf chased me" etc. Like, gun pulling was -literally- the worst choice.
Also, the last line, exchange, while cute... doesn't really work? She's still a monster. Just because a bigger monster is about to nom her doesn't make her not one. And yeah, FoME mentions it, but the bullet count doesn't add up to being out. Like, kinda expect her to say "no I'm not" and just shoot him in the face.
Beginning is nicely evocative, though.
Lotta missed commas.
That final exchange between Golden and the driver is... weird. Like, she kinda folds the lie with no actual reason to do so. She has a half-dozen outs. "I didn't have a cart" "I ditched it when the timber wolf chased me" etc. Like, gun pulling was -literally- the worst choice.
Also, the last line, exchange, while cute... doesn't really work? She's still a monster. Just because a bigger monster is about to nom her doesn't make her not one. And yeah, FoME mentions it, but the bullet count doesn't add up to being out. Like, kinda expect her to say "no I'm not" and just shoot him in the face.
Beginning is nicely evocative, though.
Okay. So it is generally questionable to start a story off with unattributed dialogue. It is -really- bad to start with two bits of unattributed dialogue. Once we get to the second voice we can assume facts, but it is still something that should be avoided.
Beyond that, this doesn't really feel like a story so much as an opening scene. I can sorta see the shape of an arc, but there is so much left obscured it barely exists.
I am apparently extra lost because this is a big reference to something, so I have even less of an idea of what's going on then normal. I do get extra confused, though, because I start thinking about the Sisko and how he is linear, though. But apparently that's the wrong idea, so...
Beyond that, this doesn't really feel like a story so much as an opening scene. I can sorta see the shape of an arc, but there is so much left obscured it barely exists.
I am apparently extra lost because this is a big reference to something, so I have even less of an idea of what's going on then normal. I do get extra confused, though, because I start thinking about the Sisko and how he is linear, though. But apparently that's the wrong idea, so...
First off, could definitely have used another editing pass. Lots of missed commas (Guess AndrewRogue just caught that a few minutes ago), some missing pronouns, and then "their crack of the echoed through the forest."
Secondly, again as other said, nothing ties murder to timberwolf to werewolf. The setting also makes no sense, as the Everfree is not full of carts and "automatic carriages" in canon. So you've a double problem now of trying to sell a story AND an alternate universe.
Lastly, there is (once again), as others already said, very little "pony" about this. It would actually work better with humans in a shady area of eastern europe or some such.
So, for the positives...? Guess I can say the prose is pretty decent (once edited) so it's not a like of skill there. I'm thinking this was probably a last minute, 4am, get-one-more-in-before-the-deadline thing, which I've certainly been guilty of myself.
Secondly, again as other said, nothing ties murder to timberwolf to werewolf. The setting also makes no sense, as the Everfree is not full of carts and "automatic carriages" in canon. So you've a double problem now of trying to sell a story AND an alternate universe.
Lastly, there is (once again), as others already said, very little "pony" about this. It would actually work better with humans in a shady area of eastern europe or some such.
So, for the positives...? Guess I can say the prose is pretty decent (once edited) so it's not a like of skill there. I'm thinking this was probably a last minute, 4am, get-one-more-in-before-the-deadline thing, which I've certainly been guilty of myself.
>>AndrewRogue
Oooo, now that's a killer idea. Leaving her with one in the chamber would make the ending tons stronger. We don't need to see the outcome; we'd just come away with the knowledge that it's goin' down for real.
"No, I'm not"
Oooo, now that's a killer idea. Leaving her with one in the chamber would make the ending tons stronger. We don't need to see the outcome; we'd just come away with the knowledge that it's goin' down for real.
So this is a mixed bag for me. One the one hand, very well executed, almost as if the author planned in advance AND had time to edit. :-)
Two exceptions to that:
That is FAR too on the nose. You ruin all subtlty with that line, especially said out loud. Don't say it, show it! Or at the very least, leave it as just a thought. Twilight wanders out of the room and thinks "It's almost like she's asking me to disobey her."
For similar reasons, too on the nose. If the rest of the story didn't already lead the reader here, then you've already lost them. Drop this, or make it far more subtle. "But some twinge made her feel she might not know the whole truth." Having her throw the letter in the fire is a powerful sign. Trust the reader to get it!
Now, assuming those two were corrected, this story would be about as strong as it could be for its premise. But that premise is a bit weak. It's simple role-reversal. It is interesting to see how Luna may or may not be fighting something within herself, but beyond that, it's just "same s***, different ponies." That's not bad, it just doesn't show me anything new. We know how the story is supposed to go, and while there is a bit of intrigue in exactly how that looks in mirror-universe, that intrigue becomes only so much train-spotting, rather than actual indulgence in the story.
So, overall, I think I have to give the weirdest summary yet. In almost every other story, I think there's a great premise, and then some problems in the telling. Here, I think it was an (almost) perfectly crafted story, but based on a mediocre premise. In other words, you get my own personal version of the Wooden Spoon. :-)
Two exceptions to that:
“You’re saying... you want me to disobey you?”
That is FAR too on the nose. You ruin all subtlty with that line, especially said out loud. Don't say it, show it! Or at the very least, leave it as just a thought. Twilight wanders out of the room and thinks "It's almost like she's asking me to disobey her."
“...Why do I feel... like it might not be such a bad thing...?” she whispered to herself.
For similar reasons, too on the nose. If the rest of the story didn't already lead the reader here, then you've already lost them. Drop this, or make it far more subtle. "But some twinge made her feel she might not know the whole truth." Having her throw the letter in the fire is a powerful sign. Trust the reader to get it!
Now, assuming those two were corrected, this story would be about as strong as it could be for its premise. But that premise is a bit weak. It's simple role-reversal. It is interesting to see how Luna may or may not be fighting something within herself, but beyond that, it's just "same s***, different ponies." That's not bad, it just doesn't show me anything new. We know how the story is supposed to go, and while there is a bit of intrigue in exactly how that looks in mirror-universe, that intrigue becomes only so much train-spotting, rather than actual indulgence in the story.
So, overall, I think I have to give the weirdest summary yet. In almost every other story, I think there's a great premise, and then some problems in the telling. Here, I think it was an (almost) perfectly crafted story, but based on a mediocre premise. In other words, you get my own personal version of the Wooden Spoon. :-)
Damnit, you got me! I was already smiling as soon as I saw the Twilight Zone intro happening, and actually laughing by the time I read "smaller princess." Then it cuts to meta, and while I didn't remember the name of the Twilight Zone Narrator, the second they called him "Rod" I knew it had to be him. Quick google confirmed that. Well, "Rod Serling" with no T, but I've seen far worse ponification of names.
Number Two narrator made me think there was going to be some Morgan Freeman reference, but I couldn't find it. Celestia "narrating" the world into being is nicely meta though. I still think it could be in a Morgan Freeman voice or something. Moreover, you could make it number 3, keeping the Celestia bit AND working in some bit about Snapple.
The story gets a tad weak in the middle though, and the "Spoony" name threw me as it did Crafty (though I thought "Spoonheads" as slang for Cardassians in Star Trek.)
Overall, I think this story did a great job at what it set out to do. It's only a matter of taste now as to which genre my brain is in the mood for. I mean, it's really hard to pit great comedy against great feels in any fair way.
Number Two narrator made me think there was going to be some Morgan Freeman reference, but I couldn't find it. Celestia "narrating" the world into being is nicely meta though. I still think it could be in a Morgan Freeman voice or something. Moreover, you could make it number 3, keeping the Celestia bit AND working in some bit about Snapple.
The story gets a tad weak in the middle though, and the "Spoony" name threw me as it did Crafty (though I thought "Spoonheads" as slang for Cardassians in Star Trek.)
Overall, I think this story did a great job at what it set out to do. It's only a matter of taste now as to which genre my brain is in the mood for. I mean, it's really hard to pit great comedy against great feels in any fair way.
Observation #1 Spike feels really out of character.
Observation #2 What is going on at the end?
Others hit both of this, so I'll keep this short. But even on a re-read, I can't tell what is actually happening at the end. Twilight becomes a book? Twilight and Spike are both replaced by things hiding in a book? No idea. So yeah, even ignoring #1 above, I can't say much for this overall, but there are some good turns of phrase (as have also been pointed out above.)
Observation #2 What is going on at the end?
Others hit both of this, so I'll keep this short. But even on a re-read, I can't tell what is actually happening at the end. Twilight becomes a book? Twilight and Spike are both replaced by things hiding in a book? No idea. So yeah, even ignoring #1 above, I can't say much for this overall, but there are some good turns of phrase (as have also been pointed out above.)
First I've seen of this premise (I expected more already), so good idea there. However, this really needs some work on the basics. There are clear typos, visible bbcode mistakes, and more. A few examples (with suggestions) that stood out:
Opening sentences are important. This needs work:
"Her" is said four times. "Around" is twice. Try:
Needlessly awkward. We already know Fluttershy is a pony. More importantly here though, Fluttershy's line isn't actually an answer to "What?"
Try:
Beyond that, I'm afraid it just doesn't build tension like it needs to for me. The moment Starlight walks in is a giveaway, and before that is just hazy, so the only "plot" I get is "What if they never escaped Equality?"
Overall, this'll float near the bottom-to-mid for me I'm afraid. Not horrible, but needs a lot of work both in the plotting/tension-building and at the technical level. Keep trying though!
Opening sentences are important. This needs work:
Her eyes ran around the mostly empty room around her as her heart still thumped in her chest.
"Her" is said four times. "Around" is twice. Try:
Heart still thumping, her eyes surveyed the mostly empty room around her.
Her answer came from a pony—Fluttershy—stepping inside.
Needlessly awkward. We already know Fluttershy is a pony. More importantly here though, Fluttershy's line isn't actually an answer to "What?"
Try:
The only answer came as Fluttershy stepped inside.
Beyond that, I'm afraid it just doesn't build tension like it needs to for me. The moment Starlight walks in is a giveaway, and before that is just hazy, so the only "plot" I get is "What if they never escaped Equality?"
Overall, this'll float near the bottom-to-mid for me I'm afraid. Not horrible, but needs a lot of work both in the plotting/tension-building and at the technical level. Keep trying though!
First off, Horizon (Yeah, I'm calling it) you made me google a new word: "Inveigle" Nice!
That said, let me be honest on this. The first half just does not flow to me. I literally found myself counting syllables, marking up the rhyme scheme (for one should at least TRY to judge poetry by poetry standards, right?) But it just kept sounding wrong to me. I literally wondered for a moment if I should be reading it backwards, or if it was some cadence I should invert in my head.
Then the scene-break, and I saw instantly this was going mirrored. But that's where the weirdness happened. It all sounds CORRECT in the second half. Like, I read it and thought "this is a rhyming poem" where the first half was "this is abstract haiku" or something like that at best. I immediately went back and re-read the first half, to see if my brain had just synced up with the cadence or some such, but nope. The first half does not sound correct, even if, by technical count of syllable, it is. I have no idea why that's happening, and it fascinates me!
But ignoring that. I have to say this is not really to my taste. The ABBA pattern (ha!) of the rhyme just doesn't do it for me and even when I can hit the cadence and my brain locks in like an oscilloscope on the pattern, it doesn't necessarily mean I enjoy it. But then again, my high standard in all poetic form is the limerick, so make of that what you will. But I prefer rhymes to be, more or less, within single thoughts, and conclusions of a previous clause when possible. The ABBA pattern, combined the need for inversion in this poem, meant the rhyme scheme was pretty much 100% divorced from the sentence structure, and thus most rhyming words were in completely different thoughts.
To me, if a limerick is a classical symphony, then higher poetic forms with crazy things like mirroring are basically Black Midi: technically impressive, but doesn't touch my soul in the same way. You know, like Aphex Twin:
https://4chanmemeandmotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/aphex_twin_-_honestly_does_he_write_this_stuff_or_just_slam_his_keyboard.jpg
More on Black Midi (which is really fascinating)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2reuQyLoZM
That said, let me be honest on this. The first half just does not flow to me. I literally found myself counting syllables, marking up the rhyme scheme (for one should at least TRY to judge poetry by poetry standards, right?) But it just kept sounding wrong to me. I literally wondered for a moment if I should be reading it backwards, or if it was some cadence I should invert in my head.
Then the scene-break, and I saw instantly this was going mirrored. But that's where the weirdness happened. It all sounds CORRECT in the second half. Like, I read it and thought "this is a rhyming poem" where the first half was "this is abstract haiku" or something like that at best. I immediately went back and re-read the first half, to see if my brain had just synced up with the cadence or some such, but nope. The first half does not sound correct, even if, by technical count of syllable, it is. I have no idea why that's happening, and it fascinates me!
But ignoring that. I have to say this is not really to my taste. The ABBA pattern (ha!) of the rhyme just doesn't do it for me and even when I can hit the cadence and my brain locks in like an oscilloscope on the pattern, it doesn't necessarily mean I enjoy it. But then again, my high standard in all poetic form is the limerick, so make of that what you will. But I prefer rhymes to be, more or less, within single thoughts, and conclusions of a previous clause when possible. The ABBA pattern, combined the need for inversion in this poem, meant the rhyme scheme was pretty much 100% divorced from the sentence structure, and thus most rhyming words were in completely different thoughts.
To me, if a limerick is a classical symphony, then higher poetic forms with crazy things like mirroring are basically Black Midi: technically impressive, but doesn't touch my soul in the same way. You know, like Aphex Twin:
https://4chanmemeandmotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/aphex_twin_-_honestly_does_he_write_this_stuff_or_just_slam_his_keyboard.jpg
More on Black Midi (which is really fascinating)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2reuQyLoZM
I dunno I kind of liked it. I mean, at the very least it was kind of odd and fun. Does it hold up technically when compared to some other stories that I've gotten on this list? No. That said though, at the very least it sort of captured the spirit of the prompt. The Twilight Zone was usually a show where odd things happened. Well, odd stuff happened. Clean up the technical stuff and maybe flesh it out some more and this could be a real blast.
This feels more like a gimmick with a very basic story wrapped around it. I'm unclear as to how it follows the prompt just as it's not clear that the little unicorn is Twilight Sparkle. The assumption is that it is, but it could also be Sunset Shimmer or any number of pupils Princess Celestia might have taken under her wing over the many years she done what she's done.
It just doesn't work for me.
It just doesn't work for me.
>>Ritsuko
I'm afraid this is not necessarily the case for English language
First off, thoughts demand "Sitation marks", just like spoken lines. There is no excuse.
I'm afraid this is not necessarily the case for English language
Hmm... This is an odd one, as there's some great set-up, and there's some great punchline, but the two don't line up in my head. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the "we're in a story" form of magic... my own profile on fimfic lists "Narrative Concidence" as one of the few things I believe in. But that premise at the start isn't woven tightly enough into the "I'm a bard" thing at the end. There's a hint or two, on re-read, but 750 words means you have to be pretty single-minded in narrative, and this meanders more than it should.
Of course, the OTHER thing my profile says I believe in is the Oxford Comma, which is missing here:
I'm not just trying to be pedantic, but I genuinely read that as a cat and a pony arguing about which of them was really Daring Do. It completely threw me when they got to the lawn and that wasn't what was happening.
Overall, I still think it's pretty strong, but mostly in concept, with execution being the weak point. Metafiction needs to be really strong to not come off as cheesy, and this could get there, but it's not there yet.
Of course, the OTHER thing my profile says I believe in is the Oxford Comma, which is missing here:
I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn...
I'm not just trying to be pedantic, but I genuinely read that as a cat and a pony arguing about which of them was really Daring Do. It completely threw me when they got to the lawn and that wasn't what was happening.
Overall, I still think it's pretty strong, but mostly in concept, with execution being the weak point. Metafiction needs to be really strong to not come off as cheesy, and this could get there, but it's not there yet.
Okay, so insomniac me is going back over some of these, looking at other people's comments, etc. and this one in particular keeps niggling at me. I'm seeing all these "expand, expand, expand" comments, and I just put my finger on why those haven't sat right with me.
I think people have actually missed the genre of this story entirely. It's not a Friendship Problem story, it's a comedy. The "resolution" is a punch line, and a punch line should have punch. Expanding on a punch line doesn't make it punchier, it makes it less funny. And there's the thing I think is the actual flaw. I smiled at the end of this, but I didn't laugh out loud. The punch line needs to be more punchy, not less. I feel that if anything including cake, and sheepish Celestia, and the weekly appointments could be cut down? It's like three little joke hits in a row there, and that may actually be diluting the humor a bit. (I actually laughed more at the "anxious wing" than at the ending, which is part of why I thought maybe it should be in-line not in footnotes? Though really, having footnote jokes that are funnier than the main text jokes is only following in the grand tradition of writers like Terry Pratchett, so maybe that's not a problem after all. The throne room one I'm still not so sure about, it's not really doing much for me, but it does keep the anxious wing one from being all alone, so maybe it serves a purpose.)
Anyhow. Comedy is really not my genre, so maybe somebody who writes more of it than I do can give a more concrete suggestion, but I really feel like all the folks asking for more detail about the conflict are missing the fact that it exists solely to set up the last few lines as punch lines, and expanding on that would probably be a mistake.
I think people have actually missed the genre of this story entirely. It's not a Friendship Problem story, it's a comedy. The "resolution" is a punch line, and a punch line should have punch. Expanding on a punch line doesn't make it punchier, it makes it less funny. And there's the thing I think is the actual flaw. I smiled at the end of this, but I didn't laugh out loud. The punch line needs to be more punchy, not less. I feel that if anything including cake, and sheepish Celestia, and the weekly appointments could be cut down? It's like three little joke hits in a row there, and that may actually be diluting the humor a bit. (I actually laughed more at the "anxious wing" than at the ending, which is part of why I thought maybe it should be in-line not in footnotes? Though really, having footnote jokes that are funnier than the main text jokes is only following in the grand tradition of writers like Terry Pratchett, so maybe that's not a problem after all. The throne room one I'm still not so sure about, it's not really doing much for me, but it does keep the anxious wing one from being all alone, so maybe it serves a purpose.)
Anyhow. Comedy is really not my genre, so maybe somebody who writes more of it than I do can give a more concrete suggestion, but I really feel like all the folks asking for more detail about the conflict are missing the fact that it exists solely to set up the last few lines as punch lines, and expanding on that would probably be a mistake.
A good concept well-handled.
A bit short for all the things you evoked, between the creation of the world by narration (twin of the LOTR world created by music), the different level of meta and the actual story. None is really explained or detailed, the story is too short for that.
Mid tier nonetheless, it was funny and interesting.
A bit short for all the things you evoked, between the creation of the world by narration (twin of the LOTR world created by music), the different level of meta and the actual story. None is really explained or detailed, the story is too short for that.
Mid tier nonetheless, it was funny and interesting.
The historical context improves this once that is explained, but in the end its just...'Hey there was a pony on the moon, ok, bye' and...well, alright. That's like, what happened. It was a thing. But there's no giggles, or deeper meaning, or odd Lovecraftian...whatever, that would amp the creep or comedy or cringe factor.
This totally makes sense as a 'Here is Twilight, X years removed, with her own absurdly logical monastic order sprung up around her'.
So as others say, yes, this was quite golden and ridiculously fun.
So as others say, yes, this was quite golden and ridiculously fun.
Unlike dear >>Xepher, I think it is there, but only because I'm looking at this less like metafiction and more like a D&D campaign. As Lyra says? She's the bard. The spoony bard, it would seem. Well aware of roleplaying tropes and all ready to meet them. Moondancer the wizard, Lyra the Bard, Bon-Bon the Rogue, which leaves Felidae to be our Cleric and Daring to be another rogue, I suppose. That's the only flaw here! You never want two of the same class in the party!
Lyra ought to be fetching Fluttershy. A druid would be far more helpful, doncha know.
Lyra ought to be fetching Fluttershy. A druid would be far more helpful, doncha know.
This was surreal, but...yea. That's all I can really say about it. It had a sort of odd-charm, but never quite...went anywhere? Mostly I walked away going 'What the hay just happened?!'
This was a cute entry. No major critique, short, simple self-contained sweet sappy story
>>Morning Sun
I think I agree here. Definitely a clever idea, but after the weird thing happens there's no "result".
It makes the difference between an anecdote and a story.
I think I agree here. Definitely a clever idea, but after the weird thing happens there's no "result".
It makes the difference between an anecdote and a story.
As others have already pointed out, it's very atmospheric - to be honest, it sounded like the voice-over of a documentary. The descriptions are nicely put.
I have the same grievance as FoME here, in that it seems that the zone is located between the north pole and the northern border of the Yack-doodadstan, which is probably not what you're going for.
However, like all documentaries, it is slow paced and heavy info-dumpy, and the relative length of your paragraphs strengthens that feeling.
I don't see why the zone is forbidden. Okay, something bad happened here, but precisely, this should be a sanctuary for remembering an old, fateful day, rather than a forbidden area. Provided that the area is safe, which seems to be the case. And we also don't really know what caused that catastrophe, we just know Twilight was the culprit, which leaves us somewhat unsatisfied.
So, yeah, nicely knit, but some threads would need mending before you can sold it to me :)
I have the same grievance as FoME here, in that it seems that the zone is located between the north pole and the northern border of the Yack-doodadstan, which is probably not what you're going for.
However, like all documentaries, it is slow paced and heavy info-dumpy, and the relative length of your paragraphs strengthens that feeling.
I don't see why the zone is forbidden. Okay, something bad happened here, but precisely, this should be a sanctuary for remembering an old, fateful day, rather than a forbidden area. Provided that the area is safe, which seems to be the case. And we also don't really know what caused that catastrophe, we just know Twilight was the culprit, which leaves us somewhat unsatisfied.
So, yeah, nicely knit, but some threads would need mending before you can sold it to me :)
I was left, as the others, somewhat unsatisfied here. Your setup is confusing. Why Twilight is now allied with characters we know as being bad guys? Why has Daring Do is own "henchponies", while she openly admits "to work alone"? What are supposed to mean as a threat?
The end is a bit underwhelming. Twilight surrenders meekly? Weird for an alicorn who is supposed to wield a major magical power.
All in all that was - puzzling, but we don't get the answer we look for.
The end is a bit underwhelming. Twilight surrenders meekly? Weird for an alicorn who is supposed to wield a major magical power.
All in all that was - puzzling, but we don't get the answer we look for.
You’re almost there, but as !Hat said, blinking stars really don’t seem that menacing on paper. Or in pixels. Even Twilight seeing them in her dreams isn’t that strange; that tends to be how dreams work. As such, it feels less like a creeping otherworldly menace and more like a standard-issue Twilight freakout.
Once you give this more room to breathe and make the threat match Twilight’s reaction—maybe emphasize the thoughts that don’t come from her own mind and use them for a slower reveal—you’ll have a wonderful horror piece.
Once you give this more room to breathe and make the threat match Twilight’s reaction—maybe emphasize the thoughts that don’t come from her own mind and use them for a slower reveal—you’ll have a wonderful horror piece.
Genre: This
Thoughts: Moody, tense, atmospheric... there are a lot of positive words I could use to describe this. It's gripping, compelling... yeah. Worked for me big time. The main thing it could use is another sting of creepiness at the end. We're going almost purely on faith in the narrator that these stars are hunting her forever, and being told that is less satisfying than seeing it play out.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Moody, tense, atmospheric... there are a lot of positive words I could use to describe this. It's gripping, compelling... yeah. Worked for me big time. The main thing it could use is another sting of creepiness at the end. We're going almost purely on faith in the narrator that these stars are hunting her forever, and being told that is less satisfying than seeing it play out.
Tier: Strong
I have to agree that “dying Luna” angle feels forced. Given the circumstances, it seems like she could’ve just told Twilight now that the prophecy has been fulfilled. And if that last line is true, I really don’t see why Twilight is upset. Luna explicitly shared the prophecy, which means that Twilight would’ve had to leave in a huff the moment that last syllable crossed Luna’s lips and never talk to her again in the intervening centuries to not hear the hopeful interpretation. Unless, of course, sharing that interpretation might impact Twilight’s ability to fulfill the darn thing, because trying to control the outcome of a prophecy so rarely ends well…
I suppose my main issue is that I just don’t know enough of the story to tell how justified Twilight is in her indignation. Expand this and I’ll know for sure. (Also, I have several questions about Cadence, Flurry Heart, and who’s handling celestial mechanics, but those are side notes.)
I suppose my main issue is that I just don’t know enough of the story to tell how justified Twilight is in her indignation. Expand this and I’ll know for sure. (Also, I have several questions about Cadence, Flurry Heart, and who’s handling celestial mechanics, but those are side notes.)
>>Anna
Why would Rarity announce herself to be such, especially to one of her best friends?
Why does it take Pinkie so long to realize who she is?
How does she go from the boutique to Twilight's castle in a single step?
Why is she wearing only two boots instead of four?
Taken at face value, this story is super cryptic.
Why would Rarity announce herself to be such, especially to one of her best friends?
Why does it take Pinkie so long to realize who she is?
How does she go from the boutique to Twilight's castle in a single step?
Why is she wearing only two boots instead of four?
Taken at face value, this story is super cryptic.
Okay, I need a verb, a preposition, and a root vegetable.
Ah. I wasn’t far off. “Real world Mad Libs” is a very fun idea, one that deserves more space than you could give it here. Even so, it was still good, surreal fun, though ending did sag a bit. I look forward to seeing it expanded.
>>Not_A_Hat
Discord was made an honorary Crusader in the comics.
Ah. I wasn’t far off. “Real world Mad Libs” is a very fun idea, one that deserves more space than you could give it here. Even so, it was still good, surreal fun, though ending did sag a bit. I look forward to seeing it expanded.
>>Not_A_Hat
Discord was made an honorary Crusader in the comics.
You were lucky, because I read the first paragraph and was about to give up when I had an epiphany and rolled down past the linguistic garbage.
The rest of the fic is fine, but not funny. I mean, if you choose to go this way, the best example to date might be Cold's Naked Singularity. It's difficult to challenge, because it's a real good fic.
The end of this one is acceptable. I wasn't jarred by Spike's swearing at the end, but really the beginning ruined it. You should rework this from the ground up to make it more appealing.
The rest of the fic is fine, but not funny. I mean, if you choose to go this way, the best example to date might be Cold's Naked Singularity. It's difficult to challenge, because it's a real good fic.
The end of this one is acceptable. I wasn't jarred by Spike's swearing at the end, but really the beginning ruined it. You should rework this from the ground up to make it more appealing.
I agree with FoME here (and with Fenton for the use of clichés). Board games have never been my cup of tea, so I can't claim groking what happens exactly here. Besides, the "twist" left me more or less unconcerned, so at the end, well, it was cute but lackadaisical.
I like this one, the twist wasn't pretentious and everything built around and before wasn't pretentious too. A silly and simple twist with a silly and simple story and build-up. That's good consistency and good comedy.
This story left me a little cold at first, but after reading it again I found it endearing.
Only the references to duck poop were rather jarring in what's otherwise a perfectly adorable story.
cutest :3
Only the references to duck poop were rather jarring in what's otherwise a perfectly adorable story.
“Quack! Quack!” went the little unicorn.
“Quack! Quack!” went Princess Celestia.
Not really. That was Quackers. Princess Celestia does not quack. \Ô/
cutest :3
This shouldn't work... It's based on such a simplistic idea... yet somehow, it works, really well. I couldn't help but chuckle at everypony's bafflement. And even the occasional punctuation idiosyncrasies
just make it funnier.
Wait why did I come here?
just make it funnier.
I really liked this one. The ending twist wasn't really much to write home about, but the overall writing style is very good and pleasant.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I personally disagree that the ending weakens the story. I'm familiar with the original short story "It's a Good Life", and based on that alone would expect a dark ending -- so having Celestia instead save the day by promising to take Twilight under her wing felt surprisingly awesome. The story's overall mood is also quite good, with chilling elements such as Twilight's brother whose fate is just hinted at.
I personally disagree that the ending weakens the story. I'm familiar with the original short story "It's a Good Life", and based on that alone would expect a dark ending -- so having Celestia instead save the day by promising to take Twilight under her wing felt surprisingly awesome. The story's overall mood is also quite good, with chilling elements such as Twilight's brother whose fate is just hinted at.
Genre: Defenestration
Thoughts: Sign me up with the crowd who felt this was funny but a bit off. The timing didn't quite line up, and the ending was a bit too WTF for me. But the guts of this are strong and it should be easy to clean up.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Sign me up with the crowd who felt this was funny but a bit off. The timing didn't quite line up, and the ending was a bit too WTF for me. But the guts of this are strong and it should be easy to clean up.
Tier: Almost There
>>FanOfMostEverything Themoreyouknow.jpg.
This really isn't a case of relying on people knowing the comics, but I still think Spike makes more sense without that extra bit of context.
This really isn't a case of relying on people knowing the comics, but I still think Spike makes more sense without that extra bit of context.
Well even if it's not the correct name she can call herself whatever she wants. I mean if Idi Amin can be the last King of Scotland after all. She could call herself the Hotdog Queen Eastern Green for all it matters.
On one hand I think it's pretty well written and kind of fun. When one works retail they pretty much see everything at some point. On the other hand I'm not sure how the story fits into the theme of The Twilight Zone.
On one hand I think it's pretty well written and kind of fun. When one works retail they pretty much see everything at some point. On the other hand I'm not sure how the story fits into the theme of The Twilight Zone.
It's written in a very pretty style loaded with melancholy. That said there are way too many questions left unanswered regarding the wants and whys of the characters involved. So, yeah as it stands it didn't really work for me even if it is pretty.
I chuckled and in spite of some of the rough patches I had a little fun. It also fit the theme too so, kudos. I took this as more of a comedy in the vein of Stranger Than Fiction.
It's actually an okay story. The title is a play off of The Twilight Zone title and it also kind of reveals the ending. She 'serves' them with a decision to remand them to counseling.
It's not a bad story. This would have actually worked better with a pony like Pinkie Pie than Twilight. The reasons for that in my opinion are as follows: 1.) She's an apprentice baker and being "killed" by a cannon filled with baked goods would be poetic. 2.) She's shown the ability to build a variety of machines and what not so, her ability to create a complex lock that would take a long time work through without magic could be in her skill set. 3.) She's shown that she can basically break herself apart and put herself back together. This wouldn't kill her she'd just have to reassemble. 4.) This would be one heck of a "trick" to play on her enemy and you know she's good at pulling those off.
Well it's Twilight Zone done with ponies. I remember this story in the movie and it executes it really as well as faithfully as it could be done.
Like >>Not_A_Hat said, the sensory description in this is wonderful. However, I never felt remotely unnerved while Rainbow was looking around, and I never expected a twist, so as long as that was your intention, we're good. If you did intend to creep me out, though, it didn't work, and I can pin the main reason for that on the title. It clearly implies nothing bad is going to happen.
It might be a little bit creepy though that the room/Starlight is casting a spell on Dash to make her read/study...
Oh. Oh. If that was the intention, author, touché. I just got it.
Moving further up the slate, on that basis.
It might be a little bit creepy though that the room/Starlight is casting a spell on Dash to make her read/study...
Oh. Oh. If that was the intention, author, touché. I just got it.
Moving further up the slate, on that basis.
Aside from a grin at a couple of the jokes with Vinyl, the lol!random nature of the story didn't do anything for me on first read. The random meta references in the middle really didn't endear me to the story either. Then bang!--it ended.
But I warmed up to this one. The pacing is fast and even at the first read it kept me going without skipping anything, and the jokes come thick and fast: Iron Will's technicality rhyme is spot on, and Luna sashaying is a great image.
It still screeches to halt on account of the length restriction, and it doesn't end on a strong punchline. I still don't like the meta references either. But I think I misjudged this one first time round. Nice work.
But I warmed up to this one. The pacing is fast and even at the first read it kept me going without skipping anything, and the jokes come thick and fast: Iron Will's technicality rhyme is spot on, and Luna sashaying is a great image.
It still screeches to halt on account of the length restriction, and it doesn't end on a strong punchline. I still don't like the meta references either. But I think I misjudged this one first time round. Nice work.
>>Xepher
Maybe I'm alone in this, but the impression I got was that this parallel universe was one which Luna intentionally created. Celestia wasn't a world-destroying cataclysm god. She was just Celestia, sealed away by Luna in her jealousy. Twilight's last line is an acknowledgement that, in reality, Celestia escaping would be the world righting itself.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. I don't want to think that this is another life got flipped turned upside-down scenario. The story's done well enough that I think a 'body could be forgiven for assuming there's much more to it than meets the eye. If I am wrong, though, then I will regurgitate and then reconsume Zaid's hat.
Now, assuming those two were corrected, this story would be about as strong as it could be for its premise. But that premise is a bit weak. It's simple role-reversal. It is interesting to see how Luna may or may not be fighting something within herself, but beyond that, it's just "same s***, different ponies." That's not bad, it just doesn't show me anything new. We know how the story is supposed to go, and while there is a bit of intrigue in exactly how that looks in mirror-universe, that intrigue becomes only so much train-spotting, rather than actual indulgence in the story.
Maybe I'm alone in this, but the impression I got was that this parallel universe was one which Luna intentionally created. Celestia wasn't a world-destroying cataclysm god. She was just Celestia, sealed away by Luna in her jealousy. Twilight's last line is an acknowledgement that, in reality, Celestia escaping would be the world righting itself.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. I don't want to think that this is another life got flipped turned upside-down scenario. The story's done well enough that I think a 'body could be forgiven for assuming there's much more to it than meets the eye. If I am wrong, though, then I will regurgitate and then reconsume Zaid's hat.
That was original in a way.
The first sentences were really surprising. I was thinking 'ooookaaayyy, another author who tries to troll' but then I understood what kind of story I was going to read.
That was great, funny and cute, the kind of silly stories that could fit in children's literature.
The first sentences were really surprising. I was thinking 'ooookaaayyy, another author who tries to troll' but then I understood what kind of story I was going to read.
That was great, funny and cute, the kind of silly stories that could fit in children's literature.
So... Question. Do the changelings all know that they're all changelings, or is their confusion genuine? Because if it was all just a ploy to lure in an unsuspecting Luna, that'd be kind of funny. But it would also be kind of funny (if a major plothole) if they were all just incapable of realizing who was a changeling and who wasn't, and the revelation that they all were changelings brought them together and resolved their dispute.
And then they attacked Luna because she presented a target of opportunity.
Good, funny, apolitical send-up of a piece of politically charged fiction (I have to disagree with my colleagues; this works best if you don't make it into a political statement) whose premise and conclusion are just a little more vague than they should be.
And then they attacked Luna because she presented a target of opportunity.
Good, funny, apolitical send-up of a piece of politically charged fiction (I have to disagree with my colleagues; this works best if you don't make it into a political statement) whose premise and conclusion are just a little more vague than they should be.
Firstly, hats off for having written Pinkie so well, since that's difficult to do without having her come across as annoying. The idea is pretty original, and the prose is good in the midst of all its Pinkish stylization.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
For me, this one is a case of "close, but no cigar." It made me laugh a few times, to be sure. It is probably the most efficient piss-take on bad HiE cliches I've seen. But it has two issues: the ending, and the question of whether it counts as a story.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
Oof. Opening with a run-on sentence. Not the strongest first impression.
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen tense confusion this bad before. Beyond that, it’s basically just a jab at bad OC design stereotypes transposed onto Equestrian culture, with no explanation for the change or real resolution. The former isn’t so bad; there have been plenty of Twilight Zone episodes where there’s a Kafkaesque spontaneous transformation. The latter, though, is a case of the story stopping rather than ending. Never a good thing that.
I can see where you meant to go with this, but it needs a lot of work to reach its full potential.
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen tense confusion this bad before. Beyond that, it’s basically just a jab at bad OC design stereotypes transposed onto Equestrian culture, with no explanation for the change or real resolution. The former isn’t so bad; there have been plenty of Twilight Zone episodes where there’s a Kafkaesque spontaneous transformation. The latter, though, is a case of the story stopping rather than ending. Never a good thing that.
I can see where you meant to go with this, but it needs a lot of work to reach its full potential.
… Huh.
I can see why the reviews are split on this one. On the one hand, it’s kind of appropriate how it never really coheres into any narrative beyond “ponies going for a walk.” After all, Silver Spoon keeps interrupting the narrator! On the other, as I said, it never really coheres into any narrative beyond that walk. I appreciate the jokes and metareferences, especially the nod to how the series opens, but is there a good story underneath it all? I’m honestly having trouble deciding.
This definitely could’ve used a bit more time in development. It’s fun as is, but it could be even better.
I can see why the reviews are split on this one. On the one hand, it’s kind of appropriate how it never really coheres into any narrative beyond “ponies going for a walk.” After all, Silver Spoon keeps interrupting the narrator! On the other, as I said, it never really coheres into any narrative beyond that walk. I appreciate the jokes and metareferences, especially the nod to how the series opens, but is there a good story underneath it all? I’m honestly having trouble deciding.
This definitely could’ve used a bit more time in development. It’s fun as is, but it could be even better.
Applejack does feel a little hobbled for the sake of the story, but overall, I thought this one was quite amusing. That said, I do hope Twilight takes some gubernatorial/princessly actions against the ponies trying to buy Ponyville out from under all her friends.
Genre: Episode recap with theoretical twist
Thoughts: I gather from the other comments that the metaphysics of this story largely went over my head. What I took from it instead was the impression that the prose was well-formed, with occasional exceptions during Twilight's moments of surprise. I'll applaud the overall quality of the prose, but I didn't see much to the plot beyond the recap. I may just not be in the target audience.
Tier: Misaimed
Thoughts: I gather from the other comments that the metaphysics of this story largely went over my head. What I took from it instead was the impression that the prose was well-formed, with occasional exceptions during Twilight's moments of surprise. I'll applaud the overall quality of the prose, but I didn't see much to the plot beyond the recap. I may just not be in the target audience.
Tier: Misaimed
Canterlot High as a Kobayashi Maru scenario is definitely an interesting concept, but it raises way too many questions. I dare you to tell me that Applejack could manage to not break character that entire time, much less Pinkie. Still, as far as insane little snippets go, this one wasn’t bad. Very exposition heavy in order to get the idea across, but not bad.
This is going to bother me unless I say something: “The exception that proves the rule” uses prove in the archaic sense of testing the rule. And finding it wanting.
What? It’s a Twilight-focused story. When better to indulge in pedantry? ;)
In all, it’s a pleasant little moment inside Twilight’s head, but it does peter out by the end. It left me with little more than a sense of “Okay, that happened.” Sorry, this just wasn’t up my alley.
What? It’s a Twilight-focused story. When better to indulge in pedantry? ;)
In all, it’s a pleasant little moment inside Twilight’s head, but it does peter out by the end. It left me with little more than a sense of “Okay, that happened.” Sorry, this just wasn’t up my alley.
I assume the Crawling Chaos ate the Red Baron.
I did enjoy this. You conveyed a mounting sense of otherworldly dread well, portraying the slow erosion of sanity and faith in a sensible world with remarkable efficiency. It will certainly benefit from more room to establish itself and let the tension stretch out and make itself at home, but even as is, this was wonderfully atmospheric. Ironically enough.
I did enjoy this. You conveyed a mounting sense of otherworldly dread well, portraying the slow erosion of sanity and faith in a sensible world with remarkable efficiency. It will certainly benefit from more room to establish itself and let the tension stretch out and make itself at home, but even as is, this was wonderfully atmospheric. Ironically enough.
You were going strong until you made Fancy Pants say “way taller” as opposed to something less colloquial. Character voice is key.
Aside from that and a few proofreading flubs, this as generally good. As others have said, you’re on the cusp of something very deep. I eagerly look forward to the expansion, wherein we can see Fancy’s discomfiture rather than just hear about it.
Aside from that and a few proofreading flubs, this as generally good. As others have said, you’re on the cusp of something very deep. I eagerly look forward to the expansion, wherein we can see Fancy’s discomfiture rather than just hear about it.
I love everything about that opening paragraph.
I love most things about the story as a whole. The last line is a bit weak, as is the prompt connection. Still, overall, this was a glorious pile of nonsense. Thank you for it.
I love most things about the story as a whole. The last line is a bit weak, as is the prompt connection. Still, overall, this was a glorious pile of nonsense. Thank you for it.
Clever concept, though as has been noted, you didn’t make the best use of your available word count. Given more room to breathe, this should work quite well indeed.
>>Fenton
Hmmmmm. It seems a fair chunk of the funny bits originated in HL2. I suppose there's a fine line between reference/homage and excessive borrowing, but under the circumstances I feel less comfortable putting it where I had on my slate.
Hmmmmm. It seems a fair chunk of the funny bits originated in HL2. I suppose there's a fine line between reference/homage and excessive borrowing, but under the circumstances I feel less comfortable putting it where I had on my slate.
I like the story generally, and it's good as a Twilight Zone style story. I had a few issues with it, however. These are my perceptions as a reader, so take them as you choose. Please don't take my criticism below harshly. I think this is a very good story. This is stuff to think about next time for the next story.
The first was you went to the trouble of making the protagonist an earth pony, but a unicorn would more believably be able to pull, shoot, and holster a weapon. In the rain and mud, it begs credulity. Second, when Golden Earring is talking at her cargo, it feels like she is describing the situation to the reader like a narrator (info dump) rather than raging at her cargo. My impression, at least. Third, the story is predicated on a misidentification of the monster in the dark, but there is no clue from the description that she did misidentify (foreshadowing). Spruce asserting the misidentification works very well, but alas, I had to reread it to get it. I'd have rather his eyes be orange instead of standard timberwolf green. The "automated coach" has orange lights, so this would have been perfect. I'd have also rather Golden Earring mention she was running from a timberwolf, then in the last paragraph think "not a timberwolf" to hammer the point home of misidentification. Last, true you've pulled in a gun into the MLP universe and by the rules of science fiction, I'm absolutely willing to give you one special unexplained bit of tech, and it makes the story simpler because we haven't the luxury of time to make things better during a writeoff, but I question the choice of an automated coach. A farmer's wagon being pulled by a farmer (logger, whatever) would have fit better.
BTW, missing the word "eyes" in "His glowed green.."
The first was you went to the trouble of making the protagonist an earth pony, but a unicorn would more believably be able to pull, shoot, and holster a weapon. In the rain and mud, it begs credulity. Second, when Golden Earring is talking at her cargo, it feels like she is describing the situation to the reader like a narrator (info dump) rather than raging at her cargo. My impression, at least. Third, the story is predicated on a misidentification of the monster in the dark, but there is no clue from the description that she did misidentify (foreshadowing). Spruce asserting the misidentification works very well, but alas, I had to reread it to get it. I'd have rather his eyes be orange instead of standard timberwolf green. The "automated coach" has orange lights, so this would have been perfect. I'd have also rather Golden Earring mention she was running from a timberwolf, then in the last paragraph think "not a timberwolf" to hammer the point home of misidentification. Last, true you've pulled in a gun into the MLP universe and by the rules of science fiction, I'm absolutely willing to give you one special unexplained bit of tech, and it makes the story simpler because we haven't the luxury of time to make things better during a writeoff, but I question the choice of an automated coach. A farmer's wagon being pulled by a farmer (logger, whatever) would have fit better.
BTW, missing the word "eyes" in "His glowed green.."
So the hook in this one doesn't show up until halfway through... the Sisters have a conflict they're bringing to Twilight Court. That's good stuff, played either straight OR for comedy (as it is here) but the problem is that nothing else happens. The comedic "twist" is too obvious (as you're already out of words) and nothing really funny or unexpected comes from it.
In another story, this could be a great set up, but it lacks the comedic punch to work in this frame.
In another story, this could be a great set up, but it lacks the comedic punch to work in this frame.
First off, props for the stunt-writing attempt. Dialog-only is an interesting challenge to try and pull off. It's obviously Spike and "not-spike" and follows all the rules of grammar to maintain clear dialog attribution though all the first part. I think though, the purity of the stunt is lost in the end section, as two others are talking, now it's genuinely confusing who is who, as you've introduced a third "not-spike" character without attribution and that's a technical foul. :-)
I'd also say you did a good job of capturing Spike. He sounds in character, and it works. What throws me a bit is the other voice, saying things like "sweetie" and such to him make me wonder who this is.
Then we come to the ending... and we're left wanting. I really dislike stories that are so mysterious that no one gets them, and no one (in the comments so far, at least) seems to "get" this one. You did something cool with the format, but there has to be a payoff. Not a full understanding or explanation, mind you, but something, something to make the reader go "Ohhh!" I don't get that here I'm afraid.
I'd also say you did a good job of capturing Spike. He sounds in character, and it works. What throws me a bit is the other voice, saying things like "sweetie" and such to him make me wonder who this is.
Then we come to the ending... and we're left wanting. I really dislike stories that are so mysterious that no one gets them, and no one (in the comments so far, at least) seems to "get" this one. You did something cool with the format, but there has to be a payoff. Not a full understanding or explanation, mind you, but something, something to make the reader go "Ohhh!" I don't get that here I'm afraid.
So, I'm sure this was a reference to some 'verse I'm not familiar with [googled: yep] but it doesn't work for me as a story. I really have little patience for typographical tricks as "story elements" as they make the reader work through things like a puzzle, rather than a narrative. That's fine if you're playing some sort of AR game, but for a story, this isn't it.
Secondly, even the "typographical tricks" are inconsistent. We have a lot of black-bar censorship, but then we also have "data expunged" bits. Yet Spike's typos stay in while crossed out? If this is a digital report (per the "data expunged") lines, then Spike would hit backspace, not strike-through. Secondly, he fails to spell all those relatively easy words, but can somehow reproduce Chinese ideograms perfectly?
That said, I will say I'm curious about the actual premise here. A human and a griff-i-taur child? Yes, tell me more! Tell me that story, don't just tease me about it under black bars and edited text!
Secondly, even the "typographical tricks" are inconsistent. We have a lot of black-bar censorship, but then we also have "data expunged" bits. Yet Spike's typos stay in while crossed out? If this is a digital report (per the "data expunged") lines, then Spike would hit backspace, not strike-through. Secondly, he fails to spell all those relatively easy words, but can somehow reproduce Chinese ideograms perfectly?
That said, I will say I'm curious about the actual premise here. A human and a griff-i-taur child? Yes, tell me more! Tell me that story, don't just tease me about it under black bars and edited text!
I really love the opening parts here, it's economical with words, and yet very evocative. "Merged with the city's evening traffic" threw me, honestly, but in a great way. Partly it's because I always lived in small towns, and the school bus was a rural experience. Secondly, it was because it made me question where Canterlot High was. I thought some small-town ponyville equivalent, but maybe not. So a great job using very few words to really make me see things as "real."
The middle part... is there.
The problem is, of course, the ending. I'm not sure that "ponies are actually tiny" is a good enough pay-off for the pondering about "my little pony" as a phrase. The more literal part of my brain said "the element of magic tiara came through unscathed" and that is the obvious scale reference.
As a story though, I think this has great writing, and character depth, but lacks a satisfying conclusion. Oh, and even though I know it's canon Twilight Zone, the "This is a story about..." line at the start is never a good way to open a story if done literally. That's something that needs to be subverted.
So where upon the charts do I rank thee? Well, upper quarter, despite the flaws. Because that feels about right.
The middle part... is there.
The problem is, of course, the ending. I'm not sure that "ponies are actually tiny" is a good enough pay-off for the pondering about "my little pony" as a phrase. The more literal part of my brain said "the element of magic tiara came through unscathed" and that is the obvious scale reference.
As a story though, I think this has great writing, and character depth, but lacks a satisfying conclusion. Oh, and even though I know it's canon Twilight Zone, the "This is a story about..." line at the start is never a good way to open a story if done literally. That's something that needs to be subverted.
So where upon the charts do I rank thee? Well, upper quarter, despite the flaws. Because that feels about right.
This one is close! Close to getting it all right, I mean. Rainbow's internal monologue sounds great. The premise, of Starlight's "helpful" spell, and the obvious "Room of Requirement" combo, that works excellently too. The only flaws are minor, in the early exploration. Dash acts like it's a funhouse, that she's critiquing. But it's not set up that way, so it doesn't flow right at first. Work on that, get a set up where Dash is staring at the walls or something and is like "Fine, I'll play your game." If she hams it up, playing to an invisible audience, her literal dialog makes more sense, and it makes the internal thoughts more relevant.
Lastly, the ending could use a tad more clarity. I'm definitely blaming wordcount here, but this is an info dump trying to explain to the reader what happened, and it feels rushed and untidy. We need a better transition from FPD (first pony dash) to the other characters. E.g. see her trot in, or show a clearer setup for a study scene at some later date.
Lastly, the ending could use a tad more clarity. I'm definitely blaming wordcount here, but this is an info dump trying to explain to the reader what happened, and it feels rushed and untidy. We need a better transition from FPD (first pony dash) to the other characters. E.g. see her trot in, or show a clearer setup for a study scene at some later date.
Genre: A thing I've not heard of, evidently
Thoughts: I'd honestly not heard of SCP before reading about it in the comments here. I learned something new. Kids these days, etc.
The juxtaposition of humorous Spike-typos with the potential ooginess (as AndrewRogue pointed out) of subject 1's situation felt off to me. I thought it was really cool prior to the moment of implied ooginess though, because how often do you see human X griffon? Very Greek mythology-ish there with subject 2's combination of traits. It would've been awesome to have an empowered human female mage in Equestria adventuring far afield and doing her thing and being... well, empowered. That would be a far cry from the usual trope of dopey Anons who roll in and pick up all the mares. It's also frankly a concept I could see being enjoyable to read and/or write about.
That's not quite what we have here, though, because the focus of this stays rooted in Twilight's SCP log, and both the tone and format of that is weird for me. But my bigger issue is that I feel like it leaves a brilliant story concept sitting there and not fulfilling its potential. I applaud the ideas underpinning the SCP report, even as I balk at the SCP report itself.
Tier: Needs Work (but Author, look me up if you decide to go the HiE adventure route with this)
Thoughts: I'd honestly not heard of SCP before reading about it in the comments here. I learned something new. Kids these days, etc.
The juxtaposition of humorous Spike-typos with the potential ooginess (as AndrewRogue pointed out) of subject 1's situation felt off to me. I thought it was really cool prior to the moment of implied ooginess though, because how often do you see human X griffon? Very Greek mythology-ish there with subject 2's combination of traits. It would've been awesome to have an empowered human female mage in Equestria adventuring far afield and doing her thing and being... well, empowered. That would be a far cry from the usual trope of dopey Anons who roll in and pick up all the mares. It's also frankly a concept I could see being enjoyable to read and/or write about.
That's not quite what we have here, though, because the focus of this stays rooted in Twilight's SCP log, and both the tone and format of that is weird for me. But my bigger issue is that I feel like it leaves a brilliant story concept sitting there and not fulfilling its potential. I applaud the ideas underpinning the SCP report, even as I balk at the SCP report itself.
Tier: Needs Work (but Author, look me up if you decide to go the HiE adventure route with this)
My daughter is only capable of screaming, so I don't have a huge basis for saying this, but yeah, Spike's dialogue doesn't read child to me. It reads someone trying to write a child. That said, I could be totally offbase here.
Beyond that, I think this story suffers a little from it being unclear what sort of story it is. Is this about Spike? Night Light? Neither? Both? It doesn't particularly feels like it picks out a narrative arc, and I think this is part of why the last line is so weird for people. The story seems to start as something about a young Spike just wanting to be a kid, but it transfers into being about Night Light dealing with being embarrassed (or sexy) in mare's clothing.
That said, I don't register the fetishy read (too much, at least), but is probably worth noting those complaints.
Beyond that, I think this story suffers a little from it being unclear what sort of story it is. Is this about Spike? Night Light? Neither? Both? It doesn't particularly feels like it picks out a narrative arc, and I think this is part of why the last line is so weird for people. The story seems to start as something about a young Spike just wanting to be a kid, but it transfers into being about Night Light dealing with being embarrassed (or sexy) in mare's clothing.
That said, I don't register the fetishy read (too much, at least), but is probably worth noting those complaints.
This is decently well written, so I can't really complain on most of that. It's the premise and technical details that fall short for me. At its heart, this is a story of economic theory, yet... it misses key points.
Applejack, for instance, literally says:
Yet they still have a 6,000 bit mortgage payment? Mortgages that last 30 years are common, a generation, extreme. Knowing what we know from canon, that Sweet Apple Acres has been around since Granny Smith was a filly... now the math falls apart. Either the Apples have been absolutely hoodwinked, in which case Twilight absolutely SHOULD intervene with force of law, or they are literally trying to maintain a buggy-whip business in the age of the automobile. In either case, the solution is not "game the system for money" but innovate or litigate.
So yes, the writing is good, the character voices match, but... the premise fails I'm afraid.
Applejack, for instance, literally says:
“I can’t do that, those contracts are older than I am.”
Yet they still have a 6,000 bit mortgage payment? Mortgages that last 30 years are common, a generation, extreme. Knowing what we know from canon, that Sweet Apple Acres has been around since Granny Smith was a filly... now the math falls apart. Either the Apples have been absolutely hoodwinked, in which case Twilight absolutely SHOULD intervene with force of law, or they are literally trying to maintain a buggy-whip business in the age of the automobile. In either case, the solution is not "game the system for money" but innovate or litigate.
So yes, the writing is good, the character voices match, but... the premise fails I'm afraid.
So, I didn't see the "Twilight Imperium" thing coming until it happened. And I have no excuse, I run a weekly board game meetup with 700 members. But while this hits a few "sentimental" notes for me, I'm afraid it falls flat as a story. Yes, all the characters are mostly correct, and react as new gamers do, but the narrative lacks focus.
Pick a character and focus on their viewpoint. If it's Twilight, work in some rules-lawyering gag. If it's Fluttershy, then show us the "passive until raging" (aka "Ghandi Gets Nukes") arc. Or show us details of how Rarity made something "Elegant" of her moves/strategy, or even just layout. If you can somehow squeeze a twist or some humorous punchline in there, that'd be even better.
Unfortunately, this story tries to hit the whole gamut. We see believable reactions, but with no depth into any of them, and that brings this down to a mediocre rank for me. Sorry!
Pick a character and focus on their viewpoint. If it's Twilight, work in some rules-lawyering gag. If it's Fluttershy, then show us the "passive until raging" (aka "Ghandi Gets Nukes") arc. Or show us details of how Rarity made something "Elegant" of her moves/strategy, or even just layout. If you can somehow squeeze a twist or some humorous punchline in there, that'd be even better.
Unfortunately, this story tries to hit the whole gamut. We see believable reactions, but with no depth into any of them, and that brings this down to a mediocre rank for me. Sorry!
Genre: Poetry / Poetry: Genre
Thoughts: I had something of the opposite experience as >>Xepher, as I felt the first half made more sense, and the second half threw me.
I have to acknowledge the skill that went into constructing this. I fear I'm a hard sell for poetry, though, unless it's fairly simple and accessible. Even then, it's still generally not my bag.
My inability to rate or review this properly isn't the Author's fault, though.
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: I had something of the opposite experience as >>Xepher, as I felt the first half made more sense, and the second half threw me.
I have to acknowledge the skill that went into constructing this. I fear I'm a hard sell for poetry, though, unless it's fairly simple and accessible. Even then, it's still generally not my bag.
My inability to rate or review this properly isn't the Author's fault, though.
Tier: Abstain
On first read, this sat as merely "nice oddity" to me. Realizing I was missing a reference, despite playing HL2, I googled. Then I saw Fenton's explanations. Now I'm afraid this goes pretty low down my ranking. The passages I wanted to call out as good writing turn out to be the copy/paste sections. The rest falls completely flat. The entire opening is useless, nothing Spike says/does by delaying the meeting of Twilight and the Vorts moves the story forward. It should open with Twilight opening the door, and then copy/paste less, and have a payoff. It fails on all those counts, and, as much as I love HL2, I have to say this doesn't work for me.