Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Is This in a Literal Sense
"Twilight! Twilight! Is that you?" I exclaimed; as I saw the purple mare, trotting by the line of books, in the other end of the room.
Of course she never stopped, turned around or answered; as if I had never been there.
All of a sudden, my view started to go out in a blurry haze. The sound and scent went the same way.
“What is this?” I thought.
I take a few more steps; before I noticed this white Unicorn mare, standing before me. While I missed it, she has a cutie mark, depicting three diamonds.
“I am Rarity!” she declared.
“Hello, Rarity!” I responded.
“You know, you would look stunning, wearing a pair of boots and a saddle!” she added, smiling brightly at me.
“If only I owned the shoes you spoke of?” I responded, giggling.
“No problem, I have them right here!” she exclaimed; pointing her right hoof at a fresh set of boots and a saddle, before me.
“Thank you, Rarity!” I said, tentatively stepping into the boots she so generously had given me.
“You are welcome, Darling!” she responded, as she helped me putting the saddle om.
As I look down, I could see the dark, shiny, pink boots. I feel Rarity strapping the shiny, black saddle tightly on my back.
“Not too tight?” I tried to protest; but she clearly did not listen, as she continued tightening the saddle around my body.
“There!” she merely stated, as she let go of the saddle on my back.
All of a sudden, I noticed how my mane is curly in a deeper, darker and richer pink hue. As I look back, I notice the three balloons on my right flank, two blue and a yellow slightly above and in the middle.
I take a step forwards, only to hear a strangely frisky and excited squeak, as my hoof hit the dark purple crystal that is the floor in the library of Twilight Sparkle’s castle of friendship.
A momentary stop, then I started to bounce characteristically, towards the door out of the library with Rarity hot on my hooves. She tried her best to keep pace, while maintaining a measured and ladylike gait.
“That is the Pinkie, we all know and love!” she said.
I started to giggle, and the sound echoes through the long and cold hall.
Window by window, we pass on our way to the throne room. At the end, the door swing open before us and we enter the large hall.
As I stop; I see the roots of the old oak, the golden oak library in which Twilight had been living until Tirek had destroyed it.
“Since you are here, the council can finally open!” Twilight stated.
Of course she never stopped, turned around or answered; as if I had never been there.
All of a sudden, my view started to go out in a blurry haze. The sound and scent went the same way.
“What is this?” I thought.
I take a few more steps; before I noticed this white Unicorn mare, standing before me. While I missed it, she has a cutie mark, depicting three diamonds.
“I am Rarity!” she declared.
“Hello, Rarity!” I responded.
“You know, you would look stunning, wearing a pair of boots and a saddle!” she added, smiling brightly at me.
“If only I owned the shoes you spoke of?” I responded, giggling.
“No problem, I have them right here!” she exclaimed; pointing her right hoof at a fresh set of boots and a saddle, before me.
“Thank you, Rarity!” I said, tentatively stepping into the boots she so generously had given me.
“You are welcome, Darling!” she responded, as she helped me putting the saddle om.
As I look down, I could see the dark, shiny, pink boots. I feel Rarity strapping the shiny, black saddle tightly on my back.
“Not too tight?” I tried to protest; but she clearly did not listen, as she continued tightening the saddle around my body.
“There!” she merely stated, as she let go of the saddle on my back.
All of a sudden, I noticed how my mane is curly in a deeper, darker and richer pink hue. As I look back, I notice the three balloons on my right flank, two blue and a yellow slightly above and in the middle.
I take a step forwards, only to hear a strangely frisky and excited squeak, as my hoof hit the dark purple crystal that is the floor in the library of Twilight Sparkle’s castle of friendship.
A momentary stop, then I started to bounce characteristically, towards the door out of the library with Rarity hot on my hooves. She tried her best to keep pace, while maintaining a measured and ladylike gait.
“That is the Pinkie, we all know and love!” she said.
I started to giggle, and the sound echoes through the long and cold hall.
Window by window, we pass on our way to the throne room. At the end, the door swing open before us and we enter the large hall.
As I stop; I see the roots of the old oak, the golden oak library in which Twilight had been living until Tirek had destroyed it.
“Since you are here, the council can finally open!” Twilight stated.
I... Have no idea what happened here. So, Pinkie got some clothes from Rarity and then they both went to a friendship council? I feel like there's something I missed but I can't figure out what it might be. .-.
...what?
Who is the narrator? Where is she? What's going on? Is this some sort of a dream or a vision or what? Why isn't she at all concerned about all the strange things going on? Why has she turned into Pinkie after wearing some boots and a saddle (accessories that the real Pinkie does not wear)? Why is Twilight's floor squeaking? What do the roots of the library have to do with all this?
I have no idea what's this all about. The only vague idea I have is that Twilight somehow turning regular ponies into copies of her friends for some reason, but that's just speculation on my part.
Who is the narrator? Where is she? What's going on? Is this some sort of a dream or a vision or what? Why isn't she at all concerned about all the strange things going on? Why has she turned into Pinkie after wearing some boots and a saddle (accessories that the real Pinkie does not wear)? Why is Twilight's floor squeaking? What do the roots of the library have to do with all this?
I have no idea what's this all about. The only vague idea I have is that Twilight somehow turning regular ponies into copies of her friends for some reason, but that's just speculation on my part.
First, some specifics, because I like to give some sort of concrete feedback.
You switch from past to present tense and back several times. It doesn't seem like you're using that for a specific effect, so be careful about it in the future; it can really throw people off.
I love using semicolons, but they're tricky to get right. IIRC, they're properly used to attached two complete sentences together, or to make lists of things that already have commas in them. This:
doesn't really seem to count for either. A simple comma should work, though.
Some of your capitalization is a bit weird to me.
We usually only capitalize proper nouns and words derived from them. So Terran is capitalized because of Terra, but human isn't, because it's not the name of a specific person or place, or a word derived from one. Some people may argue about this, especially with Pegasi, because in some myths Pegasus was a proper name. And then Earth is a place (although it's also a mass noun) but maybe 'Earth pony'... and then if you're capitalizing two, maybe they all should be? :P Anyways, this is a bit more subjective, but capitalization really draws the eye and it threw me.
This is another odd one. I wouldn't capitalize 'darling', because I consider it an adjective. It's being used somewhat like a noun here, even somewhat like a proper noun, but I think what's really going on is that it's an adjective with an implied noun? (This may not really be a thing; if I'm totally off here, I apologize.) But if it read 'welcome, my darling Pinkie!' it would obviously be un-capitalized, right? I read these words (things like dear, honey, other generic pet names) more like that, so this seemed odd to me.
As for story, there seem to be three parts. Seeing Twilight from a distance, meeting Rarity, then becoming Pinkie and seeing Twilight from close up. They all follow each other, but they don't really seem to tie together much at all; I'm not seeing causal links showing one leads to another logically. This story has a dreamlike quality to it which is interesting, but it kept me from feeling it was meaningful or emotionally powerful.
Maybe it's super deep and I'm missing the point, but I couldn't make heads or tails of what you're getting at here.
You switch from past to present tense and back several times. It doesn't seem like you're using that for a specific effect, so be careful about it in the future; it can really throw people off.
I love using semicolons, but they're tricky to get right. IIRC, they're properly used to attached two complete sentences together, or to make lists of things that already have commas in them. This:
As I stop; I see the
doesn't really seem to count for either. A simple comma should work, though.
Some of your capitalization is a bit weird to me.
white Unicorn mare
We usually only capitalize proper nouns and words derived from them. So Terran is capitalized because of Terra, but human isn't, because it's not the name of a specific person or place, or a word derived from one. Some people may argue about this, especially with Pegasi, because in some myths Pegasus was a proper name. And then Earth is a place (although it's also a mass noun) but maybe 'Earth pony'... and then if you're capitalizing two, maybe they all should be? :P Anyways, this is a bit more subjective, but capitalization really draws the eye and it threw me.
welcome, Darling!”
This is another odd one. I wouldn't capitalize 'darling', because I consider it an adjective. It's being used somewhat like a noun here, even somewhat like a proper noun, but I think what's really going on is that it's an adjective with an implied noun? (This may not really be a thing; if I'm totally off here, I apologize.) But if it read 'welcome, my darling Pinkie!' it would obviously be un-capitalized, right? I read these words (things like dear, honey, other generic pet names) more like that, so this seemed odd to me.
As for story, there seem to be three parts. Seeing Twilight from a distance, meeting Rarity, then becoming Pinkie and seeing Twilight from close up. They all follow each other, but they don't really seem to tie together much at all; I'm not seeing causal links showing one leads to another logically. This story has a dreamlike quality to it which is interesting, but it kept me from feeling it was meaningful or emotionally powerful.
Maybe it's super deep and I'm missing the point, but I couldn't make heads or tails of what you're getting at here.
Here, I certainly see a flair for the strange and uncanny. The trouble, as others have pointed out, is that a piece can be so mysterious as to be incomprehensible. Obviously one does not want to be too obvious either, so it can take some experimentation to find the happy medium.
Beware also of said-bookisms. You know--"exclaimed," "declared," "responded," etc. These are alright for juvenile-level readers and lower, but for adults they are usually redundant. Use them only when necessary.
Beware also of said-bookisms. You know--"exclaimed," "declared," "responded," etc. These are alright for juvenile-level readers and lower, but for adults they are usually redundant. Use them only when necessary.
>>Not_A_Hat
The simplest interpretation is that the author, unable to come up with any ideas before the deadline, simply wrote down a dream he'd just had. :P
This story has a dreamlike quality to it which is interesting, but it kept me from feeling it was meaningful or emotionally powerful.
The simplest interpretation is that the author, unable to come up with any ideas before the deadline, simply wrote down a dream he'd just had. :P
Sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with the crowd. This one is just plain incoherent. It feels less “Twilight Zone” and more “obscure art film.”
>>FanOfMostEverything
Terry to read it as face value?
Not everything has to be super cryptic, right?
>>JudgeDeadd
Why is that the simplest explanation?
Assuming you actually refer to the story
>>HorseVoice
Isn't that the average Bronie?
Neither quite the child, nor quite the adult.
>>Not_A_Hat
In this case, it sounds like a name; wile I guess it is a strange and unusual one?
Just noted that the sitations are less than complete.
>>shinygiratinaz
That is what I gathered about what happened, when all the details are omitted.
Terry to read it as face value?
Not everything has to be super cryptic, right?
>>JudgeDeadd
Why is that the simplest explanation?
Assuming you actually refer to the story
>>HorseVoice
Isn't that the average Bronie?
Neither quite the child, nor quite the adult.
>>Not_A_Hat
In this case, it sounds like a name; wile I guess it is a strange and unusual one?
Just noted that the sitations are less than complete.
>>shinygiratinaz
That is what I gathered about what happened, when all the details are omitted.
So the overall surreal experience is kinda fine, actually. What isn't fine is the overall writing quality, unfortunately. As pointed out, there are a lot of errors like the semi-colon thing that need to be cleaned up. I'm kinda hard-pressed to go in-depth on what exactly is wrong with the writing, but there is a large element of just needing to improve as a writer here. I recommend doing a little more reading and looking at how people construct sentences and dialogue.
I dunno I kind of liked it. I mean, at the very least it was kind of odd and fun. Does it hold up technically when compared to some other stories that I've gotten on this list? No. That said though, at the very least it sort of captured the spirit of the prompt. The Twilight Zone was usually a show where odd things happened. Well, odd stuff happened. Clean up the technical stuff and maybe flesh it out some more and this could be a real blast.
This was surreal, but...yea. That's all I can really say about it. It had a sort of odd-charm, but never quite...went anywhere? Mostly I walked away going 'What the hay just happened?!'
>>Anna
Why would Rarity announce herself to be such, especially to one of her best friends?
Why does it take Pinkie so long to realize who she is?
How does she go from the boutique to Twilight's castle in a single step?
Why is she wearing only two boots instead of four?
Taken at face value, this story is super cryptic.
Why would Rarity announce herself to be such, especially to one of her best friends?
Why does it take Pinkie so long to realize who she is?
How does she go from the boutique to Twilight's castle in a single step?
Why is she wearing only two boots instead of four?
Taken at face value, this story is super cryptic.
>>AndrewRogue
This is a rushed entry, but time isn't the issue.
You could give a few indications on items bothering you and suggest something?
>>Misternick
Only one story is the best, but that is for later.
Oh yeah, good old Twilight Zone.
>>Morning Sun
Went anywhere?
No, not really; but where would you want it to go, based on what you were faced with?
>>FanOfMostEverything
That does come out as odd.
If it isn't part of the Twilight Zone issue that brought us to the story? I would wager on residual disorientation, but that is just me.
The simplest answer is that she already was in the Castle, due being summoned to the councile in the first place, and just stepped in on Pinkie.
Could be a Ponification error, or a fashion style?
How is this cryptic? Are you sensing imagery or symbolism behind the story?
This is a rushed entry, but time isn't the issue.
You could give a few indications on items bothering you and suggest something?
>>Misternick
Only one story is the best, but that is for later.
Oh yeah, good old Twilight Zone.
>>Morning Sun
Went anywhere?
No, not really; but where would you want it to go, based on what you were faced with?
>>FanOfMostEverything
That does come out as odd.
If it isn't part of the Twilight Zone issue that brought us to the story? I would wager on residual disorientation, but that is just me.
The simplest answer is that she already was in the Castle, due being summoned to the councile in the first place, and just stepped in on Pinkie.
Could be a Ponification error, or a fashion style?
How is this cryptic? Are you sensing imagery or symbolism behind the story?
I want to start this review by seconding the points made by >>Not_A_Hat and >>SPark. I’m going to explore some of the points they have made in detail, as well as one or two of my own. The approach I'm taking here is not something that I would normally do, and I felt I owed the author a brief (ha!) explanation up-front for this.
I am the kind of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when it comes to errors in stories. I would always rather assume that a mistake is there either because an author is deliberately using it to make a point, or because the strict time-limit of the Writeoff has made editing difficult. However, when an error occurs consistently, I am led to believe that that the author makes it without thinking (and that they may not even know they are making a mistake!) Since this happens a few times in this story, I decided to go into quite some detail about grammar and the like—author, if I am mistaken and you are fully aware of these issues, I would like to wholeheartedly apologise for coming across as a condescending prick. Please know that I am writing this from a genuine wish to see you improve, and not with the intention of being a dick.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let's start by talking about semicolons, because this story contains six of them and every single one of them is incorrect! As has been said before, semicolons may be used in two ways: firstly, to join two independent clauses of equal importance without using a coordinating conjunction (you can remember these by the acronym FANBOYS: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So), which is usually done to emphasise a strong connection between those two clauses; and secondly, to separate items on a list where one or more of the items themselves contain a comma (like I just did!), as these commas may confuse the meaning of the list otherwise. In this story, you have consistently used semicolons in three different ways:
1) To join two independent clauses that are already connected by a coordinating conjunction. This breaks convention, which states that a comma should be used in these cases. It’s worth noting that the clauses have to be independent for this to work—for example, if one clause implies a subject from the previous one then no comma is needed! Example:
2) To join an independent clause to a subordinate clause, alongside a subordinate conjunction. This also directly contradicts convention! Punctuation and subordinate clauses is a difficult topic, and a lot of words can be written about it. Here’s a link to a handy guide about them! Examples:
3) To connect a participle phrase to an independent clause. Again, participle phrases aren’t easy, but they should always be connected using a comma or no punctuation at all. Here’s another link to help you with those, if you want it. Example:
Semicolons are a really useful bit of punctuation when used correctly, because they can allow you to connect ideas in fun and exciting ways. Hopefully these pointers will help you to identify the places where you're using them incorrectly!
Another error you seem to be making regularly in this story is switching tenses mid-sentence. Like !Hat, I couldn’t find any reason behind these switches, and they only made it harder to understand what was going on in the story. Here’s a particularly jarring example that I wanted to touch on:
Why is this so jarring? It’s because the subordinating conjunction “as” implies that the independent clause that follows occurs simultaneously with the subordinate clause. But the two clauses are in different tenses! How can an action in the present occur at the same time as one in the past? (Answer: special relativity. But even if English allowed for that (which it rarely does), it wouldn’t apply in this case—the events are identical, not space-like separated!)
All in all, tense changes like this make reading the story much more difficult. When the grammar you’re using implies one relation of tenses and the words you’re using imply another, your readers are probably going to get rather confused—and if they don’t, it’ll probably be because they’re correcting the tense errors in their head as they go, and following the implication of your word choices. This isn’t a good thing! Generally speaking, you don’t want your readers to devote time and energy to figuring out what you intended to say, because that’s time they could spend thinking about the message you’re trying to convey.
!Hat talked about you capitalising some odd words, but instead I wanted to talk about lack of capitalisation in two instances that, in my opinion, possibly need it. First of all we have “Twilight Sparkle’s castle of friendship”, an example that is excusable: “castle of friendship” might be a description and not a name, but it seems odd to describe it as a castle that happens to belong to friendship, given one of the canon names is (The) Castle of Friendship.
The second example I’ve spotted (and there may be more!) is certainly more obvious:
Golden Oak Library is a name: that library was never literally golden, so there’s no way you can pass this off as a description. Therefore, it requires capitalisation. That’s just the convention, and I can’t do much else than call it out as an error.
I know I’ve spent a lot of time on technical issues (in quite some detail, and I apologise for that!) and I haven’t yet touched upon the story itself. To me, this story seemed distinctly lacking: it was a series of events that followed on, one after the other, but had no common focus or goal. I suppose that’s why a few commenters have called this story “dream-like”—only dreams, really, have this kind of structure.
It’s very important, in most stories, for the chain of events to have a logical structure, i.e. the chain of cause and effect that makes a story more than a sequence of disconnected events. To paraphrase Trey Parker, don’t let your story be “this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened…”, because stories are far more exciting and engaging if they follow formats like “this happened, therefore this happened, but this happened…”
I bring this up because this story does feel like the former, to me: “the main character sees Twilight, and then Twilight ignores them, and then their senses fade, and then they see Rarity, and then Rarity puts some clothes on them, and then they realise they are Pinkie Pie, and then they are in the Castle of Friendship, and then they go to the throne room, and then they see Twilight.” There are, arguably, causal links between some of these moments, but in every case the causation is tenuous and makes very little sense (how, exactly, does putting on a saddle let the main character realise who they are?) I feel that this story would strongly benefit from a close examination of the causal links between the actions that drive it, and a reworking of the structure of the story to reflect that. It might also be worth focusing on the ending, because at the moment it doesn't feel like the story ends so much as stops awkwardly, and I think this can be attributed to a lack of structure that leads up to the ending.
To conclude, I found this story very frustrating to read. Grammatical errors made reading it quite challenging, at times, and the disconnected structure meant that challenge was somewhat unrewarding. I hope this comment, long and technical as it has been at times, can help to explain many of the things that I felt let this entry down, and I hope I have explained them thoroughly enough that you might be able to apply them as more general lessons to your writing in other rounds, as well as outside the Writeoff.
[Many thanks to Ceffyl Dwr and Monokeras for helping to tidy this review up and generally making me sound less waffley! ❤]
I am the kind of person who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when it comes to errors in stories. I would always rather assume that a mistake is there either because an author is deliberately using it to make a point, or because the strict time-limit of the Writeoff has made editing difficult. However, when an error occurs consistently, I am led to believe that that the author makes it without thinking (and that they may not even know they are making a mistake!) Since this happens a few times in this story, I decided to go into quite some detail about grammar and the like—author, if I am mistaken and you are fully aware of these issues, I would like to wholeheartedly apologise for coming across as a condescending prick. Please know that I am writing this from a genuine wish to see you improve, and not with the intention of being a dick.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let's start by talking about semicolons, because this story contains six of them and every single one of them is incorrect! As has been said before, semicolons may be used in two ways: firstly, to join two independent clauses of equal importance without using a coordinating conjunction (you can remember these by the acronym FANBOYS: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So), which is usually done to emphasise a strong connection between those two clauses; and secondly, to separate items on a list where one or more of the items themselves contain a comma (like I just did!), as these commas may confuse the meaning of the list otherwise. In this story, you have consistently used semicolons in three different ways:
1) To join two independent clauses that are already connected by a coordinating conjunction. This breaks convention, which states that a comma should be used in these cases. It’s worth noting that the clauses have to be independent for this to work—for example, if one clause implies a subject from the previous one then no comma is needed! Example:
I tried to protest;, but she clearly did not listen…
2) To join an independent clause to a subordinate clause, alongside a subordinate conjunction. This also directly contradicts convention! Punctuation and subordinate clauses is a difficult topic, and a lot of words can be written about it. Here’s a link to a handy guide about them! Examples:
I take a few more steps;before I noticed this white Unicorn mare…
As I stop;, I see the roots of the old oak…
3) To connect a participle phrase to an independent clause. Again, participle phrases aren’t easy, but they should always be connected using a comma or no punctuation at all. Here’s another link to help you with those, if you want it. Example:
“No problem, I have them right here!” she exclaimed;, pointing her right hoof at a fresh set of boots and a saddle, before me.
Semicolons are a really useful bit of punctuation when used correctly, because they can allow you to connect ideas in fun and exciting ways. Hopefully these pointers will help you to identify the places where you're using them incorrectly!
Another error you seem to be making regularly in this story is switching tenses mid-sentence. Like !Hat, I couldn’t find any reason behind these switches, and they only made it harder to understand what was going on in the story. Here’s a particularly jarring example that I wanted to touch on:
As I look down, I could see the dark, shiny, pink boots.
Why is this so jarring? It’s because the subordinating conjunction “as” implies that the independent clause that follows occurs simultaneously with the subordinate clause. But the two clauses are in different tenses! How can an action in the present occur at the same time as one in the past? (Answer: special relativity. But even if English allowed for that (which it rarely does), it wouldn’t apply in this case—the events are identical, not space-like separated!)
All in all, tense changes like this make reading the story much more difficult. When the grammar you’re using implies one relation of tenses and the words you’re using imply another, your readers are probably going to get rather confused—and if they don’t, it’ll probably be because they’re correcting the tense errors in their head as they go, and following the implication of your word choices. This isn’t a good thing! Generally speaking, you don’t want your readers to devote time and energy to figuring out what you intended to say, because that’s time they could spend thinking about the message you’re trying to convey.
!Hat talked about you capitalising some odd words, but instead I wanted to talk about lack of capitalisation in two instances that, in my opinion, possibly need it. First of all we have “Twilight Sparkle’s castle of friendship”, an example that is excusable: “castle of friendship” might be a description and not a name, but it seems odd to describe it as a castle that happens to belong to friendship, given one of the canon names is (The) Castle of Friendship.
The second example I’ve spotted (and there may be more!) is certainly more obvious:
I see the roots of the old oak, the golden oak library in which Twilight had been living…
Golden Oak Library is a name: that library was never literally golden, so there’s no way you can pass this off as a description. Therefore, it requires capitalisation. That’s just the convention, and I can’t do much else than call it out as an error.
I know I’ve spent a lot of time on technical issues (in quite some detail, and I apologise for that!) and I haven’t yet touched upon the story itself. To me, this story seemed distinctly lacking: it was a series of events that followed on, one after the other, but had no common focus or goal. I suppose that’s why a few commenters have called this story “dream-like”—only dreams, really, have this kind of structure.
It’s very important, in most stories, for the chain of events to have a logical structure, i.e. the chain of cause and effect that makes a story more than a sequence of disconnected events. To paraphrase Trey Parker, don’t let your story be “this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened…”, because stories are far more exciting and engaging if they follow formats like “this happened, therefore this happened, but this happened…”
I bring this up because this story does feel like the former, to me: “the main character sees Twilight, and then Twilight ignores them, and then their senses fade, and then they see Rarity, and then Rarity puts some clothes on them, and then they realise they are Pinkie Pie, and then they are in the Castle of Friendship, and then they go to the throne room, and then they see Twilight.” There are, arguably, causal links between some of these moments, but in every case the causation is tenuous and makes very little sense (how, exactly, does putting on a saddle let the main character realise who they are?) I feel that this story would strongly benefit from a close examination of the causal links between the actions that drive it, and a reworking of the structure of the story to reflect that. It might also be worth focusing on the ending, because at the moment it doesn't feel like the story ends so much as stops awkwardly, and I think this can be attributed to a lack of structure that leads up to the ending.
To conclude, I found this story very frustrating to read. Grammatical errors made reading it quite challenging, at times, and the disconnected structure meant that challenge was somewhat unrewarding. I hope this comment, long and technical as it has been at times, can help to explain many of the things that I felt let this entry down, and I hope I have explained them thoroughly enough that you might be able to apply them as more general lessons to your writing in other rounds, as well as outside the Writeoff.
[Many thanks to Ceffyl Dwr and Monokeras for helping to tidy this review up and generally making me sound less waffley! ❤]
I have to agree with most of the other comments, this is incoherent and I have no idea what's intended to be going on. The prompt and time format make it hard to tell how much (if any) of the disjointedness is intentional. Perhaps the author ran out of time, or perhaps they were aiming at some sort of reference or surrealism - I don't know, and regardless of the intent, the outcome flat doesn't work.
Thank you for submitting, though! Next time, try to focus on making sure your story has a well defined beginning, middle, and end, and is clear enough that an average reader could understand and summarize it after a single pass.
Thank you for submitting, though! Next time, try to focus on making sure your story has a well defined beginning, middle, and end, and is clear enough that an average reader could understand and summarize it after a single pass.
The only two things I have to offer here are
1) to thank >>QuillScratch for such a detailed examination of some of the technical errors, which I hope will help with editing; and
2) to point out to the crowd, since nobody seems to have mentioned it yet, that the title appears to be riffing off of the prompt:
I wish I could say that helped me understand the context of the story any better, but even with that insight I still feel unmoored. I'd be curious to hear more about what's going on here, author, after the anonymity period is finished.
Tier: Needs Work
1) to thank >>QuillScratch for such a detailed examination of some of the technical errors, which I hope will help with editing; and
2) to point out to the crowd, since nobody seems to have mentioned it yet, that the title appears to be riffing off of the prompt:
[The Twilight Zone] Is This in a Literal Sense
I wish I could say that helped me understand the context of the story any better, but even with that insight I still feel unmoored. I'd be curious to hear more about what's going on here, author, after the anonymity period is finished.
Tier: Needs Work
>>SPark
If you or someone else would care to point out the instances, so I could see if it is an error or intencional?
>>JudgeDeadd
The Narrator is not in the story, isn't that the point with a Narrator?
It is Twilight Zone. The main character is playing Pinkie Pie, which is supposed to explain these descrapencies.
Teh change, as such ad already begun or taken place. That is just Rarity beinf Rarity.
It is the boots that is responsible for these noises, not the floor. Typical rubber noise.
The Library is Twilight's Zone.
>>Not_A_Hat
I could try to watch out for the issue, while I sometimes do use it for special effects. for the Mini, the word count is versy strict.
Darling was as a nickname, while I can see how it can be tricky to Capitalize it in other instances.
There is an intended break, clearly marked, the rest is intended to be one section.
For an option, what if you are thinking too deep to see the obvious?
If you or someone else would care to point out the instances, so I could see if it is an error or intencional?
>>JudgeDeadd
The Narrator is not in the story, isn't that the point with a Narrator?
It is Twilight Zone. The main character is playing Pinkie Pie, which is supposed to explain these descrapencies.
Teh change, as such ad already begun or taken place. That is just Rarity beinf Rarity.
It is the boots that is responsible for these noises, not the floor. Typical rubber noise.
The Library is Twilight's Zone.
>>Not_A_Hat
I could try to watch out for the issue, while I sometimes do use it for special effects. for the Mini, the word count is versy strict.
Darling was as a nickname, while I can see how it can be tricky to Capitalize it in other instances.
There is an intended break, clearly marked, the rest is intended to be one section.
For an option, what if you are thinking too deep to see the obvious?
>>HorseVoice
This explains why people chose to omit the tag entirely
I do put effort into choosing these with care. Did any of these come ut as off, or did I nail them?
>>JudgeDeadd
I have written such stories, but his is not one of them.
>>FanOfMostEverything
In MLP. Twilight Zone is a Library, isn't it?
>>AndrewRogue
If you could point out instances where you feel they are in error, so I can look into the issue?
>>Morning Sun
Character soomed into the castle, meetsRarity who have her wear boots before they go to the throne room together for a council meeting.
>>FanOfMostEverything
the Pinkie is dissoriented and thus takes time to orient herself propperly.
Rarity was in the castle already, for the council meeting.
That could be explained as a Fashion. While I am less Fashion forwards than Rarity.
This explains why people chose to omit the tag entirely
I do put effort into choosing these with care. Did any of these come ut as off, or did I nail them?
>>JudgeDeadd
I have written such stories, but his is not one of them.
>>FanOfMostEverything
In MLP. Twilight Zone is a Library, isn't it?
>>AndrewRogue
If you could point out instances where you feel they are in error, so I can look into the issue?
>>Morning Sun
Character soomed into the castle, meetsRarity who have her wear boots before they go to the throne room together for a council meeting.
>>FanOfMostEverything
the Pinkie is dissoriented and thus takes time to orient herself propperly.
Rarity was in the castle already, for the council meeting.
That could be explained as a Fashion. While I am less Fashion forwards than Rarity.
>>QuillScratch
I can as well admit to have made a few erros here and there. While some of the issues are deliberately put into place too.
If you can point out instances, so I can look into your complaints?
From the top, how do you read dialogue and action tags?
Secondly, does the clauses require to contain individual comas to count as equal?
It could help, while I need to interpret some items from a different perspective.
I certainly could use help with these tenses.
Just a matter of the exact intended meaning behind these issues in some cases.
Expression translates poorly.
For the Dreem-like, it's Pinkie Pie, in a Twilight Zone, but that doesn't address the issues themselves.
With a hint of editoring, that should be fixable.
Hope it isn't the previous mentioned issues that puled you out of the intended flow.
It isn't clear if that eas the Actual Twilight, which could explain why she ignored the character in the beginning.
The zooming out is when the change is initiated and takes place.
Rarity offers her clothes, because rarity as they join on the path towards the throne room.
Then they go to the room, and see the Actual Twilight Sparkle.
With some more time, some details could have been added?
I had originally envissioned a different conclusion, but made this one as I came to the point.
What if the grammar made the disconection wider, or the disconnection compounded your technical issues here?
I can as well admit to have made a few erros here and there. While some of the issues are deliberately put into place too.
If you can point out instances, so I can look into your complaints?
From the top, how do you read dialogue and action tags?
Secondly, does the clauses require to contain individual comas to count as equal?
It could help, while I need to interpret some items from a different perspective.
I certainly could use help with these tenses.
Just a matter of the exact intended meaning behind these issues in some cases.
Expression translates poorly.
For the Dreem-like, it's Pinkie Pie, in a Twilight Zone, but that doesn't address the issues themselves.
With a hint of editoring, that should be fixable.
Hope it isn't the previous mentioned issues that puled you out of the intended flow.
It isn't clear if that eas the Actual Twilight, which could explain why she ignored the character in the beginning.
The zooming out is when the change is initiated and takes place.
Rarity offers her clothes, because rarity as they join on the path towards the throne room.
Then they go to the room, and see the Actual Twilight Sparkle.
With some more time, some details could have been added?
I had originally envissioned a different conclusion, but made this one as I came to the point.
What if the grammar made the disconection wider, or the disconnection compounded your technical issues here?
>>Ranmilia
The Beginning is in a Library, and the zooming out.
Middle is zooming in, meeting Rarity and heading towards the Council meeting.
The end is arriving at the meeting.
>>Xepher
I can easily emphasis with your situation here.
>>horizon
Yes, he certinly did put in an effort. I appreciate his Post too.
The title is Important, but it doesn't tel the story; merely opens up the door, for the reader to enter the premise.
Needs work, I can easily agree with you on that point.
I could recognise a few errors by myself, after I had published it. But then it was too late to change it.
The Beginning is in a Library, and the zooming out.
Middle is zooming in, meeting Rarity and heading towards the Council meeting.
The end is arriving at the meeting.
>>Xepher
I can easily emphasis with your situation here.
>>horizon
Yes, he certinly did put in an effort. I appreciate his Post too.
The title is Important, but it doesn't tel the story; merely opens up the door, for the reader to enter the premise.
Needs work, I can easily agree with you on that point.
I could recognise a few errors by myself, after I had published it. But then it was too late to change it.
>>Ritsuko
To clarify, said-bookisms should be the last thing you spend a lot of time on. "Said" is an invisible word, so you can pretty much use it in most cases, and it won't stick out, as repeated words tend to. Alternately, you can often include dialogue in a paragraph along with an action taken by the speaker, and simply avoid using a said-bookism altogether.
To clarify, said-bookisms should be the last thing you spend a lot of time on. "Said" is an invisible word, so you can pretty much use it in most cases, and it won't stick out, as repeated words tend to. Alternately, you can often include dialogue in a paragraph along with an action taken by the speaker, and simply avoid using a said-bookism altogether.
>>Ritsuko
You've raised a lot of questions and clearly there's a lot I can say in response to this. I'm going to limit myself to three points, for now, because it's late and I really need to head to bed soon—besides, these are the three things I think I have something worth saying in response to! If you would like me to elaborate on any of these, or if you'd like to hear my (less interesting) thoughts on your other points, feel free to message me on Discord.
If I might ask, what are your reasons for choosing to break with convention? Could you perhaps give an example of one such moment in this story, along with a brief explanation of your choice? I'd be really interested to take a look at those, and perhaps have a chat about whether or not those choices are working in your favour.
For the first use of semicolons, the "equal" aspect is... rather hard to define. Personally, I would avoid using a semicolon in an instance where one of the clauses explains the other, even though those two clauses would clearly be related: those clauses would not be equal, and I would use a colon instead. For borderline cases, I wimp out of making an actual decision and use the far more versatile dash! (Don't be like me. I am a lazy author. Find a style guide you like, and stick with it.)
To confirm, this first use of semicolons has nothing to do with commas. You can happily link a complete sentence that's riddled with commas to another independent clause that has none using a semicolon.
A far more obvious and reasonable explanation would be that Twilight didn't hear the initial call! Perhaps she was engrossed in work or thought? Perhaps she was too far away? I think it's a big stretch to assume that the Twilight we see at the start is not the real Twilight.
Assuming she isn't, though, what does that actually mean for the story? This fake Twilight is gone after two paragraphs and never mentioned again, and the idea that she might be real or fake doesn't seem to have any implications for the other things that happen. This is what I meant by the logical structure, for what it's worth: the first two paragraphs happen, and the story moves on without them affecting the rest in any way. If an event in your story has no effect on anything else that happens, why have you included it?
It's worth noting that this kind of criticism can be applied to many of the things that happen in this entry, which is what creates that sense of disconnection. Nothing in this story seems to have any lasting consequences: events merely happen, one after the other, until the story finishes. You could easily remove any moment from this story (except, perhaps, the introduction of Rarity), or add any event of your choice into it at any point, and I don't believe it would have any meaningful impact on the experience of reading it. And that, I believe, is why so many readers thought that the story was disjointed, cryptic, confusing, and incoherent.
I'm afraid that's all I've got time to cover tonight. I hope all of that helps!
You've raised a lot of questions and clearly there's a lot I can say in response to this. I'm going to limit myself to three points, for now, because it's late and I really need to head to bed soon—besides, these are the three things I think I have something worth saying in response to! If you would like me to elaborate on any of these, or if you'd like to hear my (less interesting) thoughts on your other points, feel free to message me on Discord.
While some of the issues are deliberately put into place too.
If I might ask, what are your reasons for choosing to break with convention? Could you perhaps give an example of one such moment in this story, along with a brief explanation of your choice? I'd be really interested to take a look at those, and perhaps have a chat about whether or not those choices are working in your favour.
does the clauses require to contain individual comas to count as equal?
For the first use of semicolons, the "equal" aspect is... rather hard to define. Personally, I would avoid using a semicolon in an instance where one of the clauses explains the other, even though those two clauses would clearly be related: those clauses would not be equal, and I would use a colon instead. For borderline cases, I wimp out of making an actual decision and use the far more versatile dash! (Don't be like me. I am a lazy author. Find a style guide you like, and stick with it.)
To confirm, this first use of semicolons has nothing to do with commas. You can happily link a complete sentence that's riddled with commas to another independent clause that has none using a semicolon.
It isn't clear if that eas the Actual Twilight, which could explain why she ignored the character in the beginning.
A far more obvious and reasonable explanation would be that Twilight didn't hear the initial call! Perhaps she was engrossed in work or thought? Perhaps she was too far away? I think it's a big stretch to assume that the Twilight we see at the start is not the real Twilight.
Assuming she isn't, though, what does that actually mean for the story? This fake Twilight is gone after two paragraphs and never mentioned again, and the idea that she might be real or fake doesn't seem to have any implications for the other things that happen. This is what I meant by the logical structure, for what it's worth: the first two paragraphs happen, and the story moves on without them affecting the rest in any way. If an event in your story has no effect on anything else that happens, why have you included it?
It's worth noting that this kind of criticism can be applied to many of the things that happen in this entry, which is what creates that sense of disconnection. Nothing in this story seems to have any lasting consequences: events merely happen, one after the other, until the story finishes. You could easily remove any moment from this story (except, perhaps, the introduction of Rarity), or add any event of your choice into it at any point, and I don't believe it would have any meaningful impact on the experience of reading it. And that, I believe, is why so many readers thought that the story was disjointed, cryptic, confusing, and incoherent.
I'm afraid that's all I've got time to cover tonight. I hope all of that helps!
>>QuillScratch
If this is an issue pointed at, the solution would be to omit the word "could" and everything would be fine.
My intent is to widen the meaning a bit further.
With the first case, it links he dialogue and the action.
This sounds like the first segment.
On that note, the problem may be tha the next paragraph ould have used a semi-colon as well?
Since we are in the castle, and the library to be exact; one posibility is that it was Starlight Glimmer, the Pony that play Pinkie Pie saw. If she is new in Ponyville and did not know of Twilight's student such a mistake should be easy to make?
Is it possible Starlight could pull a deep spell on the Pony, on instinct? Haycart or anything esle to give the impression described in the fic?
Would it make sence to assume that it was never Twilight, but Starlight who pulled haycart over the Pony? She wouldn't know she is Pinkie Pie instantly and she wouldn't instinctively recognice Rarity.
Once she realized she is pinkie pie, her actions changed rather drastically.
Why do I have the impression this happened to my previous(first) entry, and that it is likely to happen again and again? While it made more sense once you see the order of the story in the fic.
I hope it doesn't come out as afterconstructions to defend what was just a bad story in the first place.
As I look down, I could see the dark, shiny, pink boots. I feel Rarity strapping the shiny, black saddle tightly on my back.
If this is an issue pointed at, the solution would be to omit the word "could" and everything would be fine.
My intent is to widen the meaning a bit further.
With the first case, it links he dialogue and the action.
You can happily link a complete sentence that's riddled with commas to another independent clause that has none using a semicolon.
This sounds like the first segment.
On that note, the problem may be tha the next paragraph ould have used a semi-colon as well?
A far more obvious and reasonable explanation would be that Twilight didn't hear the initial call! Perhaps she was engrossed in work or thought?
Since we are in the castle, and the library to be exact; one posibility is that it was Starlight Glimmer, the Pony that play Pinkie Pie saw. If she is new in Ponyville and did not know of Twilight's student such a mistake should be easy to make?
Is it possible Starlight could pull a deep spell on the Pony, on instinct? Haycart or anything esle to give the impression described in the fic?
Nothing in this story seems to have any lasting consequences:
Would it make sence to assume that it was never Twilight, but Starlight who pulled haycart over the Pony? She wouldn't know she is Pinkie Pie instantly and she wouldn't instinctively recognice Rarity.
Once she realized she is pinkie pie, her actions changed rather drastically.
And that, I believe, is why so many readers thought that the story was disjointed, cryptic, confusing, and incoherent.
Why do I have the impression this happened to my previous(first) entry, and that it is likely to happen again and again? While it made more sense once you see the order of the story in the fic.
I hope it doesn't come out as afterconstructions to defend what was just a bad story in the first place.
>>Ritsuko
I'm sorry to say that no, it still doesn't make much sense either.
From what I understand, the plot is basically: "One day, Pinkie goes to Twilight's castle, she meets Starlight who casts a memory spell on Pinkie for no reason, Pinkie wanders around in a daze until she meets Rarity, who gives her some clothes, at which point Pinkie regains her memory and enters the council room, end of story"
Basically, the problem here is that everypony behaves completely erratically and out of character. Starlight apparently casts a memory spell on Pinkie... for no reason. Rarity meets her own long-time friend, and... immediately feels the need to introduce herself by name: "I am Rarity!" (Hint: people don't "declare" their names like this in real life, ever. Not in casual conversation, anyway.) Also, nobody else, neither Rarity nor Twilight, seem at all concerned about Pinkie wandering around in an amnesiac daze.
(EDIT: Only now I've noticed this part of your reply, which says
...but this doesn't make much sense either... We're supposed to believe that good!Starlight would just "instinctively" cast an amnesia spell on her friend? Then she'd just wander away without caring about it at all?)
Why do I have the impression this happened to my previous(first) entry, and that it is likely to happen again and again? While it made more sense once you see the order of the story in the fic.
I'm sorry to say that no, it still doesn't make much sense either.
From what I understand, the plot is basically: "One day, Pinkie goes to Twilight's castle, she meets Starlight who casts a memory spell on Pinkie for no reason, Pinkie wanders around in a daze until she meets Rarity, who gives her some clothes, at which point Pinkie regains her memory and enters the council room, end of story"
Basically, the problem here is that everypony behaves completely erratically and out of character. Starlight apparently casts a memory spell on Pinkie... for no reason. Rarity meets her own long-time friend, and... immediately feels the need to introduce herself by name: "I am Rarity!" (Hint: people don't "declare" their names like this in real life, ever. Not in casual conversation, anyway.) Also, nobody else, neither Rarity nor Twilight, seem at all concerned about Pinkie wandering around in an amnesiac daze.
(EDIT: Only now I've noticed this part of your reply, which says
Is it possible Starlight could pull a deep spell on the Pony, on instinct?
...but this doesn't make much sense either... We're supposed to believe that good!Starlight would just "instinctively" cast an amnesia spell on her friend? Then she'd just wander away without caring about it at all?)
>>Ritsuko
While omitting "could" would make the passage you quoted consistent in tense, it makes the whole passage present tense. However, the vast majority of the story seems to be written in past tense. Why have you swapped from one to the other? It is incredibly rare that tense-swaps are necessary for meaning (far easier to use relative tenses than to change the tense of the narration entirely!)
Further, if you want the passage to be consistently in present tense, while maintaining all the meaning of "could", you may wish to use "can" instead!
While there is nothing in the text that contradicts this reading, there's absolutely nothing in the text that directly supports it, either. I'm still not entirely sold on the idea that the Twilight of the opening paragraphs isn't the real Twilight, so the leap to Starlight Glimmer seems particularly tenuous to me. I think it's clear from your comments that you are trying to set up an unreliable narrator, but the key with unreliable narrators is to give the audience some textual reason to assume that they are unreliable. I'm afraid that this story only gives me reason to assume that (very) strange things are happening around the narrator, and not that the narrator is lying.
Is it possible? Yes, I suppose it could be. But again, there's nothing in the text to imply this conclusion. Indeed, the very fact that (fake) Twilight doesn't appear to react in any way to the main character's shout would strongly imply the opposite, to me.
There's a principle called Occam's Razor, which I find applies very well to how readers will respond to a story. To quote Wikipedia's wording, which is far clearer than my own: "Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected." The interpretation you seem to have intended for this story requires far more assumptions than other interpretations (for example, my point in my previous post that perhaps Twilight simply hadn't heard the main character requires rather fewer assumptions than "it was actually Starlight Glimmer all along".)
Essentially, my point boils down to this: if you want readers to reach a conclusion, don't rely on them making assumptions that have little or no basis in the text. Instead, give them clues in the story that will lead them to the conclusion that you want them to make!
If you think that this is a consistent issue with your stories, perhaps it is something you should focus on? Next Writeoff, if you enter, you may want to try and focus specifically on making sure that there are clear links of cause and effect between the things that happen in your story, and most importantly on ensuring that everything that is in your story has a clear and well-defined purpose. Think about Chekhov's Gun: "Remove everything that has no relevance to the story." I think that, if you work on this issue, you may find fewer people are confused by your stories.
(It's worth noting that both >>HorseVoice and >>JudgeDeadd have made some very useful points about your word choices and your characterisation. These are also things you should keep an eye out for ways to improve at!)
If this is an issue pointed at, the solution would be to omit the word "could" and everything would be fine.
My intent is to widen the meaning a bit further.
While omitting "could" would make the passage you quoted consistent in tense, it makes the whole passage present tense. However, the vast majority of the story seems to be written in past tense. Why have you swapped from one to the other? It is incredibly rare that tense-swaps are necessary for meaning (far easier to use relative tenses than to change the tense of the narration entirely!)
Further, if you want the passage to be consistently in present tense, while maintaining all the meaning of "could", you may wish to use "can" instead!
Since we are in the castle, and the library to be exact; one posibility is that it was Starlight Glimmer, the Pony that play Pinkie Pie saw.
While there is nothing in the text that contradicts this reading, there's absolutely nothing in the text that directly supports it, either. I'm still not entirely sold on the idea that the Twilight of the opening paragraphs isn't the real Twilight, so the leap to Starlight Glimmer seems particularly tenuous to me. I think it's clear from your comments that you are trying to set up an unreliable narrator, but the key with unreliable narrators is to give the audience some textual reason to assume that they are unreliable. I'm afraid that this story only gives me reason to assume that (very) strange things are happening around the narrator, and not that the narrator is lying.
Is it possible Starlight could pull a deep spell on the Pony, on instinct?
Is it possible? Yes, I suppose it could be. But again, there's nothing in the text to imply this conclusion. Indeed, the very fact that (fake) Twilight doesn't appear to react in any way to the main character's shout would strongly imply the opposite, to me.
There's a principle called Occam's Razor, which I find applies very well to how readers will respond to a story. To quote Wikipedia's wording, which is far clearer than my own: "Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected." The interpretation you seem to have intended for this story requires far more assumptions than other interpretations (for example, my point in my previous post that perhaps Twilight simply hadn't heard the main character requires rather fewer assumptions than "it was actually Starlight Glimmer all along".)
Essentially, my point boils down to this: if you want readers to reach a conclusion, don't rely on them making assumptions that have little or no basis in the text. Instead, give them clues in the story that will lead them to the conclusion that you want them to make!
Why do I have the impression this happened to my previous(first) entry, and that it is likely to happen again and again?
If you think that this is a consistent issue with your stories, perhaps it is something you should focus on? Next Writeoff, if you enter, you may want to try and focus specifically on making sure that there are clear links of cause and effect between the things that happen in your story, and most importantly on ensuring that everything that is in your story has a clear and well-defined purpose. Think about Chekhov's Gun: "Remove everything that has no relevance to the story." I think that, if you work on this issue, you may find fewer people are confused by your stories.
(It's worth noting that both >>HorseVoice and >>JudgeDeadd have made some very useful points about your word choices and your characterisation. These are also things you should keep an eye out for ways to improve at!)