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Home Sweet Home
“Hey, Spike!” Applejack waved at the little dragon from across the market. “Long time, no see.”
“Just a minute!” Spike finished his discussion with the flower seller, putting his purchase onto the tall stack of groceries he had already bought today before strolling over to Applejack’s cart. “Whew, it’s been busy since we got back. You wouldn’t believe where we’ve been.”
“Shore ‘nuff would.” Applejack produced a sheet of parchment which had been tucked in the top of the cart, then read from it in a loud voice.
Dear friends,
Spike and I will be exploring alternate dimensions for the next several days using Starswirls Dimensional Unfolding spell, so do not worry about our absence. In fact, there is a distinct possibility that alternate dimensional copies of ourselves will also be using the spell, so if you see somepony who looks like us but is acting strange, please make them feel at home until they return to their dimensional point of origin.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh,” said Spike, looking slightly embarrassed. “Yeah, I forgot I sent that out before we left. Did you see any of… well, us around over the last few days?”
“Nope. Just you.” Applejack lowered her voice. “You is you, right?”
“Is Rarity still beautiful?” asked Spike.
“Yep.” Applejack nodded once, then began to snicker into one hoof. “You’s you, alright. Anything interestin’ happen in all them other dimensions? Like becoming a dog?”
“Once!” huffed Spike. “There’s one dimension where I turn into a dog while visiting, and that’s it. Of course it’s the one Twilight likes to visit all the time, but it’s not all bad.” He paused, looking contemplative. “The Rarity there really likes scratching behind my ears.”
“Ooooo.” Rarity’s voice from right behind the little dragon made him stand up on the tips of his toes. “I didn’t know my Spikie-Wikie liked ear scratches. Should I scratch here? Or here?”
Applejack tried to hide her smile behind a foreleg while the little dragon thumped one leg against the ground and leaned his head into the scratching hoof. “Rares, ah know you ain’t seen Spike for a couple of days, but I figger we all can go on up to the castle this evening and visit with Twi. Somethin’ like this, she’ll wana talk about for hours.”
Spike rolled his eyes when Rarity quit scratching, but he kept his groan of regret short. “That’s a great idea, Applejack. Having a meeting at the castle, that is. I can make nachos.” He smacked his lips. “Delicious.”
“All righty then. We’ll pass the word around to everypony and be there this evening. We can call it the Welcome Back To Ponyville party.”
“Party!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, bouncing across the market with a pair of pop-poms and vanishing just as quickly as she appeared.
“Yep.” Spike shook his head. “We’re back.”
“I shall see you this evening, then.” Rarity gave the back of Spike’s head one last scratch before sauntering off in the direction of her boutique.
“And I need to buy…” Spike put five bits up on the counter of the cart while still looking over his shoulder at the departing unicorn.
“I’ll just bag those up for you.” Applejack snickered as she got out a brown paper sack. “Spikie.”
Once he had his purchase, Spike said his goodbyes and headed off to the castle with a brisk stride. He had a lot of work to do this evening before the rest of the girls showed up, but he was still hungry, so he unrolled the paper sack and ate while he walked.
“It’s nice to be home again. These are good pears.”
“Just a minute!” Spike finished his discussion with the flower seller, putting his purchase onto the tall stack of groceries he had already bought today before strolling over to Applejack’s cart. “Whew, it’s been busy since we got back. You wouldn’t believe where we’ve been.”
“Shore ‘nuff would.” Applejack produced a sheet of parchment which had been tucked in the top of the cart, then read from it in a loud voice.
Dear friends,
Spike and I will be exploring alternate dimensions for the next several days using Starswirls Dimensional Unfolding spell, so do not worry about our absence. In fact, there is a distinct possibility that alternate dimensional copies of ourselves will also be using the spell, so if you see somepony who looks like us but is acting strange, please make them feel at home until they return to their dimensional point of origin.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh,” said Spike, looking slightly embarrassed. “Yeah, I forgot I sent that out before we left. Did you see any of… well, us around over the last few days?”
“Nope. Just you.” Applejack lowered her voice. “You is you, right?”
“Is Rarity still beautiful?” asked Spike.
“Yep.” Applejack nodded once, then began to snicker into one hoof. “You’s you, alright. Anything interestin’ happen in all them other dimensions? Like becoming a dog?”
“Once!” huffed Spike. “There’s one dimension where I turn into a dog while visiting, and that’s it. Of course it’s the one Twilight likes to visit all the time, but it’s not all bad.” He paused, looking contemplative. “The Rarity there really likes scratching behind my ears.”
“Ooooo.” Rarity’s voice from right behind the little dragon made him stand up on the tips of his toes. “I didn’t know my Spikie-Wikie liked ear scratches. Should I scratch here? Or here?”
Applejack tried to hide her smile behind a foreleg while the little dragon thumped one leg against the ground and leaned his head into the scratching hoof. “Rares, ah know you ain’t seen Spike for a couple of days, but I figger we all can go on up to the castle this evening and visit with Twi. Somethin’ like this, she’ll wana talk about for hours.”
Spike rolled his eyes when Rarity quit scratching, but he kept his groan of regret short. “That’s a great idea, Applejack. Having a meeting at the castle, that is. I can make nachos.” He smacked his lips. “Delicious.”
“All righty then. We’ll pass the word around to everypony and be there this evening. We can call it the Welcome Back To Ponyville party.”
“Party!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, bouncing across the market with a pair of pop-poms and vanishing just as quickly as she appeared.
“Yep.” Spike shook his head. “We’re back.”
“I shall see you this evening, then.” Rarity gave the back of Spike’s head one last scratch before sauntering off in the direction of her boutique.
“And I need to buy…” Spike put five bits up on the counter of the cart while still looking over his shoulder at the departing unicorn.
“I’ll just bag those up for you.” Applejack snickered as she got out a brown paper sack. “Spikie.”
Once he had his purchase, Spike said his goodbyes and headed off to the castle with a brisk stride. He had a lot of work to do this evening before the rest of the girls showed up, but he was still hungry, so he unrolled the paper sack and ate while he walked.
“It’s nice to be home again. These are good pears.”
I knew there was going to be a twist. You still got me with it. Very nicely done.
Hook, set-up, development, punch-line. Cue laughter.
It's hard for me to criticise something that works so well in its simplicity. My only major complaints are entirely formal, and there's little point in bringing them up.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
The Treaty of Neighsailles of 608 already forced the Apples to abdicate their dominion over the fruit market and renounce apples, making them change their family name on top of that would have been downright cruel.
It's hard for me to criticise something that works so well in its simplicity. My only major complaints are entirely formal, and there's little point in bringing them up.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
The Treaty of Neighsailles of 608 already forced the Apples to abdicate their dominion over the fruit market and renounce apples, making them change their family name on top of that would have been downright cruel.
No real complaints here, but it didn't really hook me either. The twist there at the end is just too bland. Not bad, but not enough of a difference to make me question any previous assumptions. Maybe if there'd been some slight set up for it, or it'd been darker. E.g. if Spike was eating meat, or Rarity was scratching him with a flipper. It also doesn't work as well with Spike, as he normally snacks on gems, not apples. Not that he can't just, he's not the character to most strongly show this. Now, if you'd had Pinkie whipping up kale smoothies and quinoa, then we'd freak out more. :-)
I’ve another grievance here:
Either we're talking about Spike being in an alien world, or an alien Spike in the true world, no?
But in the former case, Spike would've been surprised getting pears and not apples.
In the latter case, Spike would've been surprised getting apples instead of pears.
So, logically, we're speaking here about an alien Spike in his alien world. Why should I care?
Either we're talking about Spike being in an alien world, or an alien Spike in the true world, no?
But in the former case, Spike would've been surprised getting pears and not apples.
In the latter case, Spike would've been surprised getting apples instead of pears.
So, logically, we're speaking here about an alien Spike in his alien world. Why should I care?
I really liked this one. The ending twist wasn't really much to write home about, but the overall writing style is very good and pleasant.
This story has pretty nice prose, and a very good punchline at the end! Shame the rest of it isn't a comedy, though. It's a lengthy setup for the single joke that turns bland a couple of paragraphs in, when the narrative dedicates itself to telling us about cool things that happened rather than actually showing them. "Show, don't tell" is the name of the game here; I'd like this many times better if it was set at a different point in the events, and showed us either some of the actual worldhopping, or the upcoming party.
Yeah, the twist is amusing, but it doesn't rely on the setup being boring to work. The same punchline could have been done with, for instance, Spike pulling out a pear and eating it during the party after some amusing antics, or at the end of hopping through a couple of dimensions just when Twilight's sure she's got the right Spike back. As it is, the story makes a point of telling us how cool these things were/will be, but we only get to see this mundane scene and that makes me sad.
Pretty textbook flaw as far as such things go, though. The writing and the base setup are otherwise solid. Just keep a critical eye on your story and make sure you're telling the most interesting version possible, starting and ending at the most interesting points. Show, don't tell, show, don't tell, all work and no play makes Discord a dull boy, etc etc.
Yeah, the twist is amusing, but it doesn't rely on the setup being boring to work. The same punchline could have been done with, for instance, Spike pulling out a pear and eating it during the party after some amusing antics, or at the end of hopping through a couple of dimensions just when Twilight's sure she's got the right Spike back. As it is, the story makes a point of telling us how cool these things were/will be, but we only get to see this mundane scene and that makes me sad.
Pretty textbook flaw as far as such things go, though. The writing and the base setup are otherwise solid. Just keep a critical eye on your story and make sure you're telling the most interesting version possible, starting and ending at the most interesting points. Show, don't tell, show, don't tell, all work and no play makes Discord a dull boy, etc etc.
>>Monokeras It's the same character, basically, just a different iteration of him. It's not like we're dealing with Alicorn Catgirl Spike-Chan. God, can you imagine someone writing a story about that? Ridiculous. Heh.
Funny, and cute, although Rarity scratching Spike behind the ears seems... weird... given the nature of their relationship. You can see the twist coming from a mile away, though, which can work in your favor if you tweak the rest of the story and just embrace the wrongness. Add subtle little off-color moments to indicate that this is not the Ponyville we're familiar with. Y'know?
Just a suggestion.
Funny, and cute, although Rarity scratching Spike behind the ears seems... weird... given the nature of their relationship. You can see the twist coming from a mile away, though, which can work in your favor if you tweak the rest of the story and just embrace the wrongness. Add subtle little off-color moments to indicate that this is not the Ponyville we're familiar with. Y'know?
Just a suggestion.
>>Posh
Y'know, if I wasn't already in the midst of commissioning a cover for Alicorn Catgirl Twilight-chan's Excellent Adventures, I'd be tempted to get one of those. :derpytongue2:
Y'know, if I wasn't already in the midst of commissioning a cover for Alicorn Catgirl Twilight-chan's Excellent Adventures, I'd be tempted to get one of those. :derpytongue2:
Genre: Slice-of-twist
Thoughts: This is a simple story that meanders a bit before hitting the reader with a last-minute twist. It's fun! My only real wish would be for a little more ambition in the scope of the tale; I spent most of it wondering where it was going, as the journey isn't quite as fun as the destination.
Also, yes, Sparity ear scratchies is... maybe a little funky? I dunno.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: This is a simple story that meanders a bit before hitting the reader with a last-minute twist. It's fun! My only real wish would be for a little more ambition in the scope of the tale; I spent most of it wondering where it was going, as the journey isn't quite as fun as the destination.
Also, yes, Sparity ear scratchies is... maybe a little funky? I dunno.
Tier: Strong
Cute joke, delivered approximately 208 words too late. Unfortunately, the rest of the fic, while competent, just isn't particularly engaging.