Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
All Nightmare Long
Sometimes, toward the end of a day's twilight, I walk alone upon my castle's rooftop, watching the moon rise and the shadows grow. Once, I would have thought about the mathematics of it—how the moonlight strikes the landscape to form stretched-out shapes across the land. Older now, I just want to stand and gaze, forgetting about tomorrow as the Earth is slowly made a veiled beauty.
Princess Luna would appreciate this, but I hope she does not decide to drop in right now. As great as friendship is, some things are better appreciated when you are by yourself. Nopony can abide lonesomeness for too long, but just a little on an evening like this brings out that elusive sense of wonder the poets write about.
Luna—her namesake has risen now, as close, clear, and bright as I have seen in years. I let its brilliance fill my vision, taking in every detail—the dark craters at its north and west, the milky halo around its edge, the nearest starry neighbors twinkling as they appear...
I blink once, twice. Four bright stars, forming a square around the moon—I've seen this before. That night all those years ago, I was in no mood to stargaze, for something evil was coming, and those stars were the keys to its prison.
The movements of the stars really are fascinating. It has only been ten years since that night, and though I have done plenty of gazing, I do not remember seeing those four since then. I never got around to looking them up on a chart, either. I will have to tomorrow. It's really unusual how they pulse brighter, and...
Well, that's even weirder. Now they pulse one by one. I hold my breath and stare. Yes—one goes off, then another, then the next. I watch for a minute, then two just to be sure. The stars are pulsing in a pattern that goes counterclockwise around the moon.
In a burst of excitement, I gallop to my telescope and fix it upon their location. My heart is now going so fast that I have to hold my breath to keep from shaking. Again I wait.
The four stars are still, just as any others.
Whatever was happening to them, I've missed the end of it. Trying not to let annoyance get to me, I move to return to the edge of the parapet, looking up again with naked eyes.
Pulse... Pulse...
They're doing it again! Back to the telescope!
And now they're still.
Why does the telescope make such a difference? And how is this even possible? Distant stars are far apart, so no natural link could form between them. The odds of them all turning to supernovas at once are just too much against.
Now a feeling comes over me—that indescribable sense that makes you turn around just in time to see somepony quickly turn away, for you have just caught her looking at you. I look around now, but see no one. The feeling is still with me.
Pulse... Pulse...
I want to be indoors—now. I walk toward the castle keep's rooftop entrance with measured steps. There is no need to hurry. Of course not. It is late, and my mind is playing tricks.
I am soon in bed and dozing, breathing gently, sleep overtaking me...
No. When I close my eyes, I see them pulsing, as clear as if I'm looking through the castle walls. Those walls are no defense against the feeling of a glare upon me.
The bedside table is not big enough for all the books I keep for reference, so there is a small bookcase against the near wall. I hurry to it, pull the volume of star charts, and look for a pattern of four that form up every ten years.
But they are not there.
It is day. They are gone. But they will be back.
I spent the night under their glare. They are angry—angry because I stopped the Nightmare. They waited a millennium to release it. They waited ten years to get close enough to reveal themselves again. They can spend millennia coming back to torment me. They want another vessel for the Nightmare, and if I break, their plans and their revenge will be complete.
I sensed their suggestion to tell everypony I know, so my friends would think I'm mad. But I'm too smart. I'll keep this secret, and fight them forever. They'll never have me.
Never.
Never.
Princess Luna would appreciate this, but I hope she does not decide to drop in right now. As great as friendship is, some things are better appreciated when you are by yourself. Nopony can abide lonesomeness for too long, but just a little on an evening like this brings out that elusive sense of wonder the poets write about.
Luna—her namesake has risen now, as close, clear, and bright as I have seen in years. I let its brilliance fill my vision, taking in every detail—the dark craters at its north and west, the milky halo around its edge, the nearest starry neighbors twinkling as they appear...
I blink once, twice. Four bright stars, forming a square around the moon—I've seen this before. That night all those years ago, I was in no mood to stargaze, for something evil was coming, and those stars were the keys to its prison.
The movements of the stars really are fascinating. It has only been ten years since that night, and though I have done plenty of gazing, I do not remember seeing those four since then. I never got around to looking them up on a chart, either. I will have to tomorrow. It's really unusual how they pulse brighter, and...
Well, that's even weirder. Now they pulse one by one. I hold my breath and stare. Yes—one goes off, then another, then the next. I watch for a minute, then two just to be sure. The stars are pulsing in a pattern that goes counterclockwise around the moon.
In a burst of excitement, I gallop to my telescope and fix it upon their location. My heart is now going so fast that I have to hold my breath to keep from shaking. Again I wait.
The four stars are still, just as any others.
Whatever was happening to them, I've missed the end of it. Trying not to let annoyance get to me, I move to return to the edge of the parapet, looking up again with naked eyes.
Pulse... Pulse...
They're doing it again! Back to the telescope!
And now they're still.
Why does the telescope make such a difference? And how is this even possible? Distant stars are far apart, so no natural link could form between them. The odds of them all turning to supernovas at once are just too much against.
Now a feeling comes over me—that indescribable sense that makes you turn around just in time to see somepony quickly turn away, for you have just caught her looking at you. I look around now, but see no one. The feeling is still with me.
Pulse... Pulse...
I want to be indoors—now. I walk toward the castle keep's rooftop entrance with measured steps. There is no need to hurry. Of course not. It is late, and my mind is playing tricks.
I am soon in bed and dozing, breathing gently, sleep overtaking me...
No. When I close my eyes, I see them pulsing, as clear as if I'm looking through the castle walls. Those walls are no defense against the feeling of a glare upon me.
The bedside table is not big enough for all the books I keep for reference, so there is a small bookcase against the near wall. I hurry to it, pull the volume of star charts, and look for a pattern of four that form up every ten years.
But they are not there.
It is day. They are gone. But they will be back.
I spent the night under their glare. They are angry—angry because I stopped the Nightmare. They waited a millennium to release it. They waited ten years to get close enough to reveal themselves again. They can spend millennia coming back to torment me. They want another vessel for the Nightmare, and if I break, their plans and their revenge will be complete.
I sensed their suggestion to tell everypony I know, so my friends would think I'm mad. But I'm too smart. I'll keep this secret, and fight them forever. They'll never have me.
Never.
Never.
This feels like Twilight Sparkle meets the Cthulhu Mythos. It's written in a style that heavily reminds me of Lovecraft, where normalcy is established, then broken.
It feels like it needs to be longer to accomplish proper normalcy, though, and also to give more time to creeping dread. That's something I think you would have no problems accomplishing with a larger word limit.
It feels like it needs to be longer to accomplish proper normalcy, though, and also to give more time to creeping dread. That's something I think you would have no problems accomplishing with a larger word limit.
This has a wonderful atmosphere. I agree with the other comment, it is a bit reminiscent of Lovecraft. I do also agree that it could be even better if expanded a bit, to draw out the descent into madness.
I, too, think the atmosphere was strong. The choice of first person was also appropriate, and the intro did a good job of hooking me.
Sadly, that feeling started petering out the closer we got to the ending, which is a real shame considering how well executed the first half was. I can't help but wonder if it could have been streamlined a bit to reinforce the sense of despair and isolation of the ending.
A mostly well executed story that loses some of its strength with the ending.
Sadly, that feeling started petering out the closer we got to the ending, which is a real shame considering how well executed the first half was. I can't help but wonder if it could have been streamlined a bit to reinforce the sense of despair and isolation of the ending.
A mostly well executed story that loses some of its strength with the ending.
I think that fourth-from-the-end paragraph needs to be further up in the story, maybe about where she looks through her telescope for the first time.
Because, honestly, what she's seeing really isn't that scary, without understanding the meaning behind it. She's obviously freaking out, but if I don't understand why, it just feels like it's alienating me from the character.
This could be good, I think, but right now it feels like it's trying to be creepy and have a clever reveal, and... I don't think those work together well for it. Better to just go for a straight descent into eldritch horror.
Oh yeah, and my first thought on her not seeing them pulse through the telescope was 'mirrors' - but I don't think she's got a reflecting scope.
Because, honestly, what she's seeing really isn't that scary, without understanding the meaning behind it. She's obviously freaking out, but if I don't understand why, it just feels like it's alienating me from the character.
This could be good, I think, but right now it feels like it's trying to be creepy and have a clever reveal, and... I don't think those work together well for it. Better to just go for a straight descent into eldritch horror.
Oh yeah, and my first thought on her not seeing them pulse through the telescope was 'mirrors' - but I don't think she's got a reflecting scope.
You’re almost there, but as !Hat said, blinking stars really don’t seem that menacing on paper. Or in pixels. Even Twilight seeing them in her dreams isn’t that strange; that tends to be how dreams work. As such, it feels less like a creeping otherworldly menace and more like a standard-issue Twilight freakout.
Once you give this more room to breathe and make the threat match Twilight’s reaction—maybe emphasize the thoughts that don’t come from her own mind and use them for a slower reveal—you’ll have a wonderful horror piece.
Once you give this more room to breathe and make the threat match Twilight’s reaction—maybe emphasize the thoughts that don’t come from her own mind and use them for a slower reveal—you’ll have a wonderful horror piece.
Genre: This
Thoughts: Moody, tense, atmospheric... there are a lot of positive words I could use to describe this. It's gripping, compelling... yeah. Worked for me big time. The main thing it could use is another sting of creepiness at the end. We're going almost purely on faith in the narrator that these stars are hunting her forever, and being told that is less satisfying than seeing it play out.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Moody, tense, atmospheric... there are a lot of positive words I could use to describe this. It's gripping, compelling... yeah. Worked for me big time. The main thing it could use is another sting of creepiness at the end. We're going almost purely on faith in the narrator that these stars are hunting her forever, and being told that is less satisfying than seeing it play out.
Tier: Strong
There's a good story in here. It needs some more space to play itself out though. As it stands right now it's an "alien" threat that needs to be defined. Why was Luna susceptible to their influence while Celestia wasn't? Other than a gut feeling that makes her nervous what is the real threat? What/who are they really? Why does turning another pony into a Nightmare mean anything; can't that threat be contained or reversed by "borrowing" the elements again for one baptism of magic rainbow?
Part of me wonders if even a shift in the main character might help? That is to say, a couple of bookworm type characters already exist in the show (Moondancer and Sunburst) and one character who has incredible magical ability (Starlight Glimmer). How would any of them who seemingly lack the power but, have the research capacity respond? Would any other pony listen to them?
As others have said, once there is more room to flesh it out more this should be a truly fun story that folks will go back to a time or two.
Part of me wonders if even a shift in the main character might help? That is to say, a couple of bookworm type characters already exist in the show (Moondancer and Sunburst) and one character who has incredible magical ability (Starlight Glimmer). How would any of them who seemingly lack the power but, have the research capacity respond? Would any other pony listen to them?
As others have said, once there is more room to flesh it out more this should be a truly fun story that folks will go back to a time or two.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this. It feels off to me, and more than I think is intended. Part of that is Twilight's voice. She avoids contractions like Data in this, which makes her "idle musings" seem far too formal for the relaxed attitude she seems to have at the start. The four stars, that seems too specific. Maybe I'm not remembering some exact scene from the first episode, but four stars seems like it needs a more specific "dread" than just the general sense of foreboding we get here.
The end of the main scene also throws me, as she's clearly seeing a new phenomenon, but she looks it up in a book anyway, and (no surprise at all) of course it's not there. But the timing of that makes it seem like she (or we) should be surprised.
The last scene is where my uncertainty really kicks in though. I think this is showing Twilight becoming infected with the madness that leads to Nightmare. That she will keep it secret, not tell her friends, etc... that sets up a nice bit of foreshadowing that's properly creepy, if my reading is correct. The problem is that the rest of the story doesn't really set that up with any certainty.
If that is the case, that the pulsing stars invade her dreams and her mind, then hammer that home a little stronger. Have her closing her eyes, and still seeing the stars. Have her go inside, and make it clearer than even through a dozen yards of stone, she still sees the pulsing of the stars. This is a very basic premise, and it's repetition (and escalation) that make that sort of thing creepiest.
The end of the main scene also throws me, as she's clearly seeing a new phenomenon, but she looks it up in a book anyway, and (no surprise at all) of course it's not there. But the timing of that makes it seem like she (or we) should be surprised.
The last scene is where my uncertainty really kicks in though. I think this is showing Twilight becoming infected with the madness that leads to Nightmare. That she will keep it secret, not tell her friends, etc... that sets up a nice bit of foreshadowing that's properly creepy, if my reading is correct. The problem is that the rest of the story doesn't really set that up with any certainty.
If that is the case, that the pulsing stars invade her dreams and her mind, then hammer that home a little stronger. Have her closing her eyes, and still seeing the stars. Have her go inside, and make it clearer than even through a dozen yards of stone, she still sees the pulsing of the stars. This is a very basic premise, and it's repetition (and escalation) that make that sort of thing creepiest.
Hm. There's certainly a strong atmosphere here, but I didn't get horror from it until the very end. Until that point, it seemed like a typical lonely Twilight combination of nostalgic brooding and sudden scientific curiosity. "That elusive sense of wonder the poets write about," one might, and did, say. This makes the final transition quite jarring.
I think an overall lack of clarity hurts, too - what exactly is the Nightmare being referenced here? Nightmare Moon, right? Then why not just go ask Luna about it, and pay off the reference to her? The story explicitly states it's only been ten years since then, hardly enough time for Equestria to have fallen apart into the gloomy dystopia it would take to sustain a "Twilight goes crazy in her castle under the baleful stars" ending.
All that said, I love the prose here, and both Lovecraftian Horror and nostalgic musings are aesthetics dear to my heart that this story does well by! But to polish this up, I think you'd need to pick one or the other, for the minific length, or extend it into a proper short story to do both. As is, the tonal confusion keeps this around an average grade for me.
I think an overall lack of clarity hurts, too - what exactly is the Nightmare being referenced here? Nightmare Moon, right? Then why not just go ask Luna about it, and pay off the reference to her? The story explicitly states it's only been ten years since then, hardly enough time for Equestria to have fallen apart into the gloomy dystopia it would take to sustain a "Twilight goes crazy in her castle under the baleful stars" ending.
All that said, I love the prose here, and both Lovecraftian Horror and nostalgic musings are aesthetics dear to my heart that this story does well by! But to polish this up, I think you'd need to pick one or the other, for the minific length, or extend it into a proper short story to do both. As is, the tonal confusion keeps this around an average grade for me.
Oh. I forgot to comment on this one. Another fic that would benefit from a short lead in. I also have some issues with the idea that her friends wouldn't believe her.
Otherwise pretty solid.
Otherwise pretty solid.
>>Moosetasm
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks muchly for the feedback, everyone. I only wish I had had time to enter writeoffs sooner, since even if I don't win anything, I can still use the advice and fix the stories up for fimfiction later. Getting into the second round was a personal victory too, so a "thank you" to the voters!
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Ranmilia
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks muchly for the feedback, everyone. I only wish I had had time to enter writeoffs sooner, since even if I don't win anything, I can still use the advice and fix the stories up for fimfiction later. Getting into the second round was a personal victory too, so a "thank you" to the voters!