I'm not certain I buy a changeling not returning to hatchform after they've passed away. You need to lampshade that for me to accept it. Apart from that, I have no suggestions.

QED, all votes and reviews are done! /)^3^(\ It's nice to have the week off so I can contribute more to the Writeoff.

My top three, from top to bottom:
Pie to Pie
Fluttershy and the Cactuses
The Power of Love

>>The_Letter_J
DERP

Well, I feel stupid. Either I'm stupid, or it's too subtle. I think the problem is that it says the older sisters are in the attic, and the ponies are downstairs, which makes no sense if they're hiding.

I suspect that was a mistake on the part of the author.

>>horizon
Confound your accursed logic; I got so sucked-in by how vividly everything was described that I overlooked the inconsistencies in how many ponies might be in or under the airship.

Author, forgive me; this was a lock for my top spot but I might have to dock it a little for that.

Nothing much to add to what the other said, only that this surprised me. I usually don't care for meta-fics but this was entertaining.

This is not a review, but while reading through these I feel compelled to say that your description of the cuckoo clock had me laughing far, far too much. Thank you for that, author. That was phenomenal. ("Timekeeping devices everywhere wept whenever it ticked" has just become my favourite sentence, ever.)

EDIT: I haven't read the story, and this post is not intended to reflect on it's content. I simply felt like discussing CiG's post, and I don't think there's a way to reply without it being linked to this story.

>>Cold in Gardez Eh, I think there's a bit more to some of these reactions than that.

I mean, I don't mind being asked questions, and I don't mind being given answers, as long as it's done engagingly? But there's a difference between 'being asked questions' and simply 'having questions'. "The Lady and the Tiger" asks a question. Admittedly, not a question much worth thinking about, IMHO, but it asks a question.

Some stories, however, don't ask questions like that. They just leave bits of the story out, and expect the reader to fill in the gaps. This can be good, but it's something that needs to be tuned to the audience, as well; I have a small amount of tolerance for this, and if it's taken past my threshold of interest, it rapidly alienates me from the story. This is obviously different for different people, since apparently some people genuinely enjoy "Ulysses".

I think it comes down to how much work the reader is willing to do for the author. I'm a moderately lazy reader; at a certain point, I'm simply going to stop bothering with the work of an author who asks me to put in too much mental energy into filling in the gaps in their story without supplying a commensurate return in emotional impact or neat ideas.

Ask me a question? Alright. Want me to work for you? There'd better be a pretty compelling reason. I want to be intrigued, not alienated. Personally, I'd draw the demarcation as 'people who want to be engaged by questions' against 'people who find questions intriguing in and of themselves'. In stories, I seem to fall more in the first camp.

>>RogerDodger Roger, could we get a way to control which thread our posts are linked to? The above post is linked to a story thread, although it's not actually discussing anything specific to the story. I understand that risks fragmenting discussions, but the current mode will not only artificially inflate the 'discussion count' of a story, but if/when story reply notifications are added, possibly dump a whole bunch of unrelated discussion onto an annoyed author's story. And they won't be able to say anything about it.

EDIT: I mentioned something like this earlier, but I'm going to suggest it again; something like @ or # tags might work here? If each story had a # tag that could be added to the post like the >> replies to link it to a certain thread, that would give us some control. Perhaps replying to a certain story or story comment could automatically add that tag, which we could delete/modify if we wanted to change it? Allowing us to create custom tags for threading our own discussions would be pretty neat as well...

Wherein the reviewer sidesteps the ongoing philosophical discussion and leaves a dubiously satisfying review-- :trollestia:

Without a bit more to the ending, it's hard to say what the story means. And I guess part of the issue there is that this seems to have aimed at being a tense scene from a lengthier adventure story, but it almost manages to feel like a standalone story. It's just that it fades to black right after setting up for a big payoff.

For what it's worth, I tried to do something similar with my entry into the previous Writeoff, right down to the involvement of Daring Do. I think this is more successful at getting a scene to stand on its own than I was. But again, it needs like one or two more lines to wrap things up.

It could even stay ambiguous... it just doesn't feel like the ending is as strong as the rest of it.

This story is tied for the fewest number of reviews, and it's on my slate. Allons-y!

… And what I find is a story that's deceptively deep, for as flippant as Rainbow is being about the topic. It walks a tightrope balancing the borderline comedy of her ignorance with the sombreness of the real-world issues that Twilight brings up, but it works for me, and I think the major reason is the strong turn of the last few paragraphs. For as much as this story focuses on Dash, it's actually Twilight's conflict, and the Princess of Friendship being saddled with a maybe-impossible request in the name of friendship is a really juicy dilemma, and the way she deals with it is subtly tragic in a way that punched me in the gut without breaking the tone. Nice balancing act.

My major complaint here is that the core concepts feel overexplained — like Rainbow's being willfully ignorant, or maybe that Twilight's repeating herself. That central section could stand a little thinning. But it gets a thumbs-up from me on execution.

Tier: Top Contender

This was a skillful mood piece. It doesn't gain much by using ponies, except inasmuch as the punch of facing starvation hits a bit harder when it's cute little equines.

I feel for the hard times facing the Tater family, and the big imagination that its youngest member brings to the situation as a way of trying to cope with that.

I don't think the bird symbolizes anything in particular. I think it's just there to prompt the kid's imagination, and to unnerve the audience. I think we're meant to feel uncomfortable; no more, and no less.

Bravo, author.

>>Not_A_Hat
You make me sound all snooty just because I liked this.

>>Haze I'm just an unabashed lowbrow. :P Aaaand... I haven't even read the story. I just wanted to add some discussion to CiG's point. It's probably a very good story. If I read it later, I'll expound more then.

Well... >>Trick_Question has a pretty good grasp of this story, and I really like the analysis. I'm kind of using TQ's analysis as a spring board along with some other context clues that I have gathered from the story to understand it. Here's some additional tidbits I've gotten so far (out of order):

1. "I am P-Hub, Fluttershy. I know you due to one of my users searching for 'Fluttersy bangs a—'"

This sounds like Fluttershy is a pornstar. Could it possibly be that she did something more than one video?

Also, nice misspelling, author.

1.5. "Brazzer will surely miss not having you around."

But they just met, didn't they? Does mean that there's another story related to this that we don't know about? Or am I looking too deep into that point?

2. The word usage when in Fluttershy's view denotes something else... I am getting this jive that trembles, frozen, and startling have something to with that video section or maybe even with the OCs.

Man, there's so much complexity to this that I'm not sure where to put it on this slate of mine. And I'd hate to abstain it because I'm a conflicted horseword puncher. Definitely a dynamic read, and just reading it once or twice still hasn't done it due diligence. Oh well. I think this could benefit with a nice expansion and proofing, but other than that, I have nothing more to offer.

Now where should I put this on my slate...?

In addition, I hate to disagree with you TD but...

>>TitaniumDragon

"Frankly, though, this story is one of those stories that people call “artsy” correctly – it is trying to be all symbolic, but in the end, doesn’t really say much of value..."

It sounds like you're looking at this in a concrete manner. I think the reason why TQ and I are able to understand this somewhat is because we're looking at it in a more abstract way. There's probably value in the story if you look at it in a certain way, but yet again, I don't have any right to tell you how to view a story. If you got nothing of value from it, then you got nothing of value. But I don't think you should dismiss a story for it being creative or "artsy" as you claim creativity to be; sounds rude.

"nowhere near directly enough to actually impact anyone who isn’t already intimately familiar with the subject matter anyway."

And what might the end result be? Because the spoiled section you gave didn't really explain it whatsoever. It sounded more like you were joking about it rather than actually giving us what it meant in terms of impact and symbolism.

Just saying.

This is the most fascinating writeoff story I've seen in quite a while, and I'm still not entirely sure how to explain why it works so well for me, while the majority find the ending unsatisfying. I feel like I ought to try, though I may not be able to express it correctly, and it probably won't change any opinions.

"The Lady or the Tiger" was mentioned as a comparison, but I feel like it's not that kind of story at all. Personally I dislike that one, I think it's just bait for endless moot discussions. It's about a princess, and she gets to make a choice on someone else's life. In this one, it's Pumpernickel's choice, but the story isn't about him at all. I feel like it almost doesn't matter what he does, because we already got the full story.

It's all out of Daring Do's hooves. She knew, 100%, that Pumpernickel would die if she left him there. He was already trembling; he wouldn't have the patience (or the faith) to last long enough. She takes responsibility, even though it's his fault. And now it's a waiting game. Even if the assistant does come back with the weight, she could die if she's not patient enough. She accepted whatever consequences it brings. Maybe she's being foolish, or too sentimental to let this kid die for his mistake. But we do see what kind of pony she is for choosing this. Prompt drop, even though it's never actually said.

It is such a strange note to end on. Her vs the stone trap, itself treated like a living creature. Breathing and bleeding sand and shaking with life throughout the fic. and maybe she'll be patient for hours, without knowing if it's futile or not. what a situation to put herself into. somehow she couldn't bring herself to solve it the easy way. and it's not merely a mystery of "why?" but instead being put into her experience, staring an uncertain fate in the eyes.

like I said earlier, the story is a question. but maybe it's a question without any answer at all, like a zen riddle. there's some elusive, abstract soul to this, even though the writing itself is so carefully non-abstract.

maybe I'm full of shit, and none of this post makes any sense. but we gotta like or dislike this one according to our instincts.

>>Trick_Question

Sweat cools you down. It isn't hot, it's cool. Where is this hot liquid coming from? Why say "hot liquid" when you can tell us what you really mean?

Sweat itself doesn't cool you down: it's the evaporation of liquid water (changing to water vapor) that performs a heat transfer away from your body. This is why high-heat, high-humidity weather is more difficult to remain cool in than low-humidity climes. If the density of water vapor is too high, sweat can't evaporate as quickly (or at all) and there's no heat exchange.

You sure you didn't already know this? :/

Aside from that, these are tears the author is referring to, not sweat, and are likely to feel warmer.

It just occurred to me that this should get an honorable mention for inserting an OC who manages to establish themselves and feel real and unobtrusive in the short time they're on screen.

>>Haze
I think you are not full of it; these are good points.

Hmm. Might have to move this up a spot or two.

>>CoffeeMinion
I actually found it "meh" because, and I warn you, this will sound horrible, she only saved a baby. Unless it's a prophetic baby or something, babies aren't really "worth more" than foals or adults. Anypony can make another baby, you know? Plus, now it's an orphan, which is in most parts of the world at most slightly better than being dead. So while I approve of Twilight's actions, it didn't hit me in the feels quite as much as it could have, because I am apparently a terrible, terrible pony. :raritydespair:

>>Soaring
For the record, I suspect TD is the author. /)^3^(\

>>Southpaw
>>Haze
The author isn't clear. Instead of saying "sweat" or "tears" they went with "hot liquid" which could have been more vomit dribbling down her chin for all we know.

That said, I know what it's like to sweat, and I've never had sweat feel warm. I would never describe sweat as "hot liquid" from the perspective of the sweater. There's no effing way. It's totally bonkers. Tears aren't even "hot liquid". Tears might feel like "warm liquid", though even that's a stretch. But hot?! "Hot liquid" is tea or coffee or a hot bath. Vomit actually makes more sense than either of those, except if it were caressing her chin probably "face" wouldn't be the generated word.

I don't know what to do with this one. It feels multi-layered and defies my expectations of what a story should look like, but without more context I'm left scratching my head about how to rank it against other stories that are far less ambitious but are commensurately easier to get my arms around.

The ship-assignment is unexpected. I do like all the stuff about the cellist.

Author, I'll make you a deal: I'm going to rank this highly in exchange for you explaining what it's all about later. Sound good?

This was a solid exchange between the two characters!

I got a genuine laugh out of the "glutton free" line. A lot of it made me smile before the (apparent) teleportation happened. After that it descended into too much randomness for me to follow.

Author, I'll congratulate you for making the absence of anything but dialogue work as well as you did for as long as you did, but I think these bones would need some more flesh to become a contender.

The tease about the knife (etc.) doesn't build to anything. The ending is so abrupt as to break the spell cast over the reader by the lead-up to that moment.

But, that lead-up is very impressive. The beginning bit with all the different kinds of caskets did a great job of walking the line between humorous and ominous.

Cringey but funny. The setup could have made more sense, but there's good raw material here.

>>Trick_Question Sure, I get it. :) I think, though, that the "hot liquid" thing was just a little poetic license on the author's part. The whole story to me is run pretty much on that engine of emotion. This little over-the-top quip is simply a part of that.

There are some strong exchanges between the characters. The bit with filly Celestia is cute, as it should be. The command of language, grammar, etc seems good.

However, I'm befuddled by the plot as a whole. I need more context around who these people are and why they're so worried. Presumably they would have sufficient technology to deal with the equines that their other technology was able to produce? Or just make a mecha-Godzilla Tirek to keep the others in line and be done with it? I dunno.

D'aww. Author, don't listen to these people who want you to take one thing or another out; this beauty is just fine the way it is. There's a believable buildup to Fluttershy's decision, and then we get a wonderfully in-character Rainbow who blunders into saving the day as only Rainbow could. And even better, it's an honest-to-goodness complete story with a beginning, middle, and end. High marks!

Quibbles:

It's not clear enough how Flutters is trying to Use Knife on Kitchen Table. Is she going for a thrust or a slice? It only matters because the rest of the descriptions are clearer.

"Dear" is an odd choice without any supporting context.

An interesting, if not exactly original, idea that unfortunately fails to overcome its flaws. I don't mind the script format, but the errors with grammar and the like are distracting, and it's really not very clear how they even got into this situation.
This story might have been better if you had instead set it back a thousand years when everything we see here was just getting set up and started.

First I was like, whaaaaat?

Then I was like, lolollolol...

This was a really clever invocation of you-know-what. I liked how unexpected the whole thing was and how it managed to make that oldie feel fresh again.

Oh dang, I didn't see that coming.

Wow. That's a gut-punch!

Well done, author. Everyone sounds in-character, and the ending is perfect.

Quibble:

mine funeral

Quickly, summon Dr. Strangelove! :-p

I'll echo most of what others have said; there's good character development despite the short length, but Filthy's scene is a little too short to completely convince me.

I think the assignment could be reasonable in the right context. Heck, I think I might've had that assignment at some point.

Clever. Very clever. Others are supplying some ideas for tweaks and such, but there are some strong core ideas at work here.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Oh yeah, that would explain it.

I dunno, there's good raw material here but the tonal whiplash from dark/drama/romance to pseudo-comedy is too much for me.

>>Southpaw
I don't have a problem with it, but I think poetic approach isn't always wise. There's no reason to say "liquid" when you could say "tears". Not saying the word "tears" doesn't add a poetic touch, it only makes it more ambiguous. :V

This is part of a general bitchgripe I have about trying to say things without actually saying them. I see this a lot in fiction and some of y'all need to just channel Hemmingway and say what you mean. :)

I was distracted by the formality of their speech, and the apparent mishandling of the subtlety of the actual episode this leans on. Then of course it turns out to be a feghoot, and I groaned, because I realized I'd been had.

Author, I can't elevate this among the ranks of the strongest competitors in this Writeoff, but I think you accomplished what you set out to do here.

Hey, there's Lilly Longsocks again! Maybe this is a continuation of that other story where she thinks she's worthless? Clearly she got her groove back...

Anyway, I was more-or-less with this until the spy kids foal brigade did their secret mission. Then it just got way too choppy. And I think the ending is hilarious, but it doesn't flow out of anything leading up to it.

I don't usually list tier things but today I'll make an exception: Needs Work

>>Calipony
I don't think it's an American thing. At least, I haven't been informed if it is. :-P

Arbitrary tier assignment because I'm close to having reviewed all the stories and I want to get this thing done: Maybe, with some punching-up of the humor, and making the ending joke clearer.

The serious aspects of it engaged me. The fluff felt comparatively bolted-on. I think ending three paragraphs sooner would have made it much stronger.

The less good: Weak opening line. First few paragraphs feel kinda repetitive in the way they introduce the scene and where the characters are positioned. Doesn't feel complete as a self-contained story.

The more good: Excellent tension and strong descriptive language once it gets going.

It would be unfair of me to let the other Sunset & Rainbow piece running around this Writeoff unduly skew my assessment of this one. But where the other one aims at building tension and excitement and does a fantastic job of it, this one seems to aim at a quiet, almost intimate moment... but I just didn't feel the connection between the two materialize. The suggestion by >>pterrorgrine may be a big part of it, though I'm not 100% sure.

Rainbow's sheer unadulterated boneheadedness makes this for me. (Gaah, why am I digging all the Rainbow people are writing in this Writeoff?!)

>>Bugle said "anvilicious", and indeed that quality holds this back a bit for me. It's good but needs refinement.

>>Trick_Question Heh! Okay, I agree, but for some of us slow, slow gardening types, 24 hours is just a blip! That Hemingway-level clarity takes at least a couple more days to slash out the excess purple. Well, most of it. ;)

That's where I know this from! The 1995 movie Tom and Huck had a similar scene. Took me a while because all my Google searches kept returning the older renditions or the books. Watched that as a little kid... I think I liked this better than the movie.

This was enjoyable and made me smile more than the nostalgia it brought up. Good job I say.

I'll make a confession because it's relevant to my feedback on the story: I couldn't resist mentally finishing all of the flashbacks with some variation on, "...that's what she said." :-P

Yes I know; it's bad and I should feel bad (and I do). But the thing is, the way the flashbacks are currently written opens them up to those kinds of shenanigans by jarring the reader out of the scene. It might work in a movie, where we could have the lines being spoken while the camera stays fixed on our hero; but in print, the switching back-and-forth needs to be a lot more selective. I think that condensing all the lines into a single short but vivid flashback would have more impact; and it's possible that cutting them entirely might work, too.

There's some strong stuff here, though. With a few tweaks it could be brought back from the realm of melodrama.

There's an abrupt transition from the supernatural stuff being there to being gone. I get that it's because she opens the door and is confronted with reality, but I think this would be stronger if the effects of that (beyond just Sweetie's fear) had a bit more time to linger.

The very last line is a bit flat. Consider cutting.

Otherwise, this is great stuff!

I don't think the hazelnut allergy thing is canon. The fact we're introduced to it only after AJ has already detected the murder attempt that wouldn't be one without it gives it a bit of an deus ex machina feel for me, making the climax come out of thin air. It would've been more elegant to bury that gun sometime earlier and only dig it up at that point. Granted, it's a minific and that doesn't leave much wiggle room, but since Granny Smith's health was mentioned earlier in the story, a quick flashback to how she'd nearly choked to death on an artichoke last thursday, which someone had hidden in an apple pie, or something similar, might have just done the trick. If the hazelnut allergy is canon, I take it all back of course.

Apart from that, I have little complaints: AJ feels very much in character, as do the brothers. The writing is high quality and reads smoothly. It's an actual story as well. Solid.

As I weigh this against all the other stories in the Writeoff, I feel like there's enough depth and nuance here to earn a high place... but enough abruptness and ambiguity in the ending to keep it out of my top tier. I'm (generally) fine with ambiguity, and I think we actually do see hints of what AJ is thinking and feeling, but it's so subtle that I might be wrong and >>Trick_Question might be right, which would be a huge missed opportunity. Either way, as others have noted, this ends right as we're approaching the implications of the cool world-building concept that just got dropped... but it doesn't quite stand on its own, given the absence of some deeper exploration of that concept.

Behold: I have read, ranked, and posted at least one random thought about reviewed all the stories! *guitar solo*

This is my first time doing such a thing. I don't know if I'd do it again, but the quality of the stories was high, and I kept being rewarded each time I clicked "add another." I know it sounds lame, but great job everyone!

I'mma go sleep now. :-P

>>CoffeeMinion
For the record, despite my problem with the ending line, this made it to fourth place on my slate.

>>wYvern
I'm not sure I get the problem with the allergy. Why would it need to be canon? Mentioning its existence seems to be all that's necessary to establish what the story needs. If the story were a mystery, then maybe there would need to be foreshadowing, but I really don't think foreshadowing the allergy would do anything to improve a story of this length.

I guess I'm not sure I follow what the deus-ex-like aspect of that story element is, or what thing would be gained if the allergy were canon.

This was...peculiar.

The story didn't do anything for me, mostly because I felt like Twilight was out of character and, like others have said, the stuff with the knife and rumors made me scratch my head. I'm guessing it was a hint at a suicide attempt. I'm not sure if this was a story about Twilight dealing with her immortality or her waiting (a very long time) for death as stated in the first paragraph.

yet every one of them served as a grim reminder that the inevitable end will come.

If it's the latter that's much more interesting in my opinion, and I'd love to see what you could do with it. Fix up Twilight's dialogue, and give us a bit more clues and I'm sure this could work.

The story is incomplete, and since I'm not even sure where you're trying to go with this, there's not much advice I can give. But you've got me interested; I definitely want to read the rest.

One short thing. Along with the princesses and the power ponies, I was waiting for a reference to Mare Do Well. I think that Lily trying to shadow her or possibly trying to get advice from /find more info about her would really help with whatever story you're trying to write.

>>horizon

I really wish we'd test-run a "minific" round of 500-1000 words instead of 400-750. I think we'd see the quality of the average submission jump (and I think we'd concurrently see a modest effect of authors focusing on fewer, more-in-depth entries). I really want to know whether that would also retain the learning benefits that the constrained writing has historically provided.

I support this message. Thumps up!

Second person and meta. This is my cup of tea. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

>>RogerDodger
Is this the place for discussion of how to develop the commenting system in general? I have a million tiny thoughts, and one medium and relevant one: I'd like to be able to view only the posts here that are not story comments, so that I can follow general round discussion without picking through reviews of stuff I haven't read yet.

>>pterrorgrine
I like this idea. It's pretty tedious to scroll through the pages trying to see if anyone had any non-story related comments.

>>fda_approved
>>RogerDodger
Yea verily, I think the 500-1000 format would be worth trying, at least once.

>>CoffeeMinion
I second that as well.

>>fda_approved
>>CoffeeMinion
Eh. I don't think I agree.

The entire point of the minific round is that it's challenging to write something in 750 words. That's why it's the minific round. If you raised the limit to 1,000 words then half the submissions would be within 10 words of that boundary, and there would be much less of a distinction between a small short story and long minific.

I'd actually rather have the boundary be 500 words than 1,000. I like 750, though.

"No one said the job was supposed to be easy."
"No one said it's supposed to be that hard, neither."

>>Haze
Context?!

>>Trick_Question

Well, I think foreshadowing would improve it, because my mind just went "wtf" when the package came up. It went "doubly wtf" when AJ tasted it, because that made no sense at all to me: it could've been spiked with any kind of poison for all she knew. Then, I got raked in again by the explanation, but it came across as justification after the fact and felt kinda jarring to me.

Get a hint beforehand would've allowed me to empathize with AJ's cautiousness, or at least thing "I could have known" instead of "oh, okay, now I get the info dump."

>>Haze
>>Trick_Question
I think there's a definite appeal to the hard-mode that minific represents, but it's also clear that people struggle and sometimes the end results suffer.

Dropping to an even lower word count would IMO only exacerbate that issue. Raising the ceiling a little would, yes, probably drive the median word count up. But I have to think we'd also get more stories that don't feel quite so pinched to accomplish anything.

I'm not suggesting we eliminate the "mini" versus "short" distinction. I just think the minis could benefit a lot from a little more breathing room.

>>CoffeeMinion
I agree. the word count is hard enough as it is; dropping it lower would only result in lower quality fics all around, with a potential side effect of encouraging even more entries per person. (which isn't a great thing already, imo, but that's another topic)

Coffee's point about pinched stories is right. Every round, we get a couple of gems that somehow get an entire point across in 750, but the vast majority end up getting tagged/docked for feeling incomplete, or obviously cut for length. If we allowed ourselves the extra 50-100 words they really needed to tie it all together, the authors would be more confident in their entries, and the criticisms we all dole out would feel less repetitive in each round.

/again, not arguing at you or anyone else
//just discussing the topic :)

This definitely needs to be hammier, on both characters' parts. I get what the author's going for here, and he/she did set up a clever scenario that will definitely draw a chuckle. But it tilts just bit too far to the serious side to keep me fully engaged in the mirth of the story and not the practical reality.

Still, this one is definitely worth sprucing up, expanding a bit, and publishing. :)

There's a good one-shot waiting to grow out of this one, but I think the short word limit hurt this entry a lot. I''ll agree with what others have said about tonal shifts and multiple speakers in the same paragraph, but those are both easy to correct by the author.

What it needs is just more room to run in terms of word count, and it needs more meat on the bones to help fill in the why and how of Carapace/Moonglow's situation.

Not bad, but tugs somewhat at the heartstrings.

I won’t say like the others that it is clichéd, but it is certainly not an original idea. Your treatment of it is fair, but there nothing really new. I mean, I’m thinking about the last round “Space Time” fiction. This could be a logical follow-up in the land of ponies.

A good rendition of the scene, though. Much better than many fics I read this round (mine included). So, high on my slate.

I like the idea behind this piece. There's a decently deep story to be told around Spitfire's thoughts on fame and fortune, and how the rest of her team deals with that in their own ways. And it's definitely one that I'd like to read more of, since the Wonderbolts get so little screen time.

As for this specific entry though, the last line really undercuts the earlier build up by telling the entire point to the reader in one stroke, and that might keep this lower on folks' ballots than it might have otherwise been.

I read this a few times before finally breaking down and checking the other comments. Only then did I pick up on what the CMC were really up to. I did chuckle a bit when I figured everything out, but I don't think too many readers would go to the effort to look up the answer on their own, and they'd walk away from this one frustrated, confused, or both.

I wouldn't say it's being too subtle, but burying the punchline so deep, the lead-in comes across as incoherent instead of the setup the author intended.

>>GrandMoffPony
That last line is a dud, but I think the rest is strong enough to keep this afloat. I've even found the line a little easier to stomach upon subsequent read-throughs.

I've had this at the top of my slate for a while and I think it's going to stay there.

I'd say this is super-meta, but I don't understand hardly any of the references that are trying to be made, nor can I make any sense out of the narrative itself. Who's speaking? Who are they talking to? Are we even in a recognizable universe?

I'll probably abstain from this one, as I can't rightly decide if this was a meta attempt gone wrong, or a troll fic. And I don't want to unduly penalize the author by my guessing incorrectly on that.

Pinkie knows, but so too does Pepperridge Farm. xD

This was a fun minific, but it seemed to bounce all over the place too much, both with scene breaks and some tone changes. As FOME said, expanding this to avoid scene break whiplash will be a big help, but be careful about adding too much and stretching the joke too thin.

Also, ending with them reporting on it, as others have suggested, is a very good idea.

So, is this a cross between Dr. Who, Carnivale, and a New Orleans jazz funeral? Perhaps with a pinch of TwiLestia on top?

Or, maybe not any of those things? Honestly, I can't tell at all. I guess I can see how this might be Pinkie's event, but what the heck is she even doing there? How'd she get there? I guess there's a message in here, but it's just too jumbled to be able to draw it out.

Easily the best one on my slate so far. We need to see/feel more of what AJ is thinking or feeling, and there certainly needs to be more after that last line of dialogue. But, get this out of the short word limit of the writeoff and I feel confident this one can go places.

Well done!

The few "reveals" we got came only in a rush at the very end,but in addition to coming out of the blue, they didn't offer any real hook to this. There's some build-up to a mystery here, but it just kind of drops off right there.

Also, hiding the characters until the end of the piece had me spending brain power trying to figure out who it was instead of focusing on the words themselves. That's not to say there should be no mystery to it. Some of that can be a very good thing. But if you keep things too murky, it's very hard to try and mentally frame what you're reading.

Now this is some cute and fluffy SoL here. Both characters sounded right, and the scene was set pretty well. I think this could benefit from a bit of expansion outside of Writeoff, and a small cleanup to focus a little less on Sweetie Drop's background as an agent and more on the new aspects of her relationship to Lyra, or perhaps details of the small crowd below.

IMO, that would take a good entry and make it into an even better full story. :)

I can kinda see how others might find some laughs here, but this just didn't do anything for me. The amount of telly language gave away the whole thing almost from the start, and while I normally don't worry much about typos in Writeoffs, the odd word ordering and pacing in places really broke my focus. The clock almost gave me a chuckle, but the overboard description of it snuffed it out immediately, and left me scratching my head again as to what was going on here.

>>RogerDodger

Similarly, giving users the ability to say whether their post is or is not a "review" is a recipe for disaster, as a lot of reviewers have a sort of imposter syndrome where they don't feel their reviews are really "reviews".

Then what about indicating the number of unique aliases that have joined in a particular story's discussion thread? That's easy to calculate from existing data, and a story which has received 11 comments from 11 readers has gotten a very different sort of feedback than a story which has received 11 comments from 2 readers.

I'm certainly not the only reviewer who is trying to prioritize commentary on stories with feedback from fewer individuals, so that would help avoid edge cases where, say, a debate over grammar makes it look like a story's more widely reviewed than it is.

(Maybe that could be put in parentheses after the raw number of comments?)

As >>Calipony notes, this is written at two different meta-levels, and my main impression here is that the story's not certain whether they're the same thing or not.

Spike flumped into an armchair beside her, all tiredness suddenly vanished from his expression because dammit I've only got five minutes to go, I can't keep track of all this character business!

There are a few points where you go all-in on breaking the fourth wall, making your core joke "like Dash's piece, this is a rushed and pointless entry." But it kinda falls flat because, well, it isn't:

"I hope nobody notices that it's heavily rushed, riddling with tense errors, and completely unconnected to the prompt."

This entry (to its credit) doesn't have a single tense error, and the entire point of it is the prompt drop.

I'll give you credit for heavily rushed, with a caveat: I don't believe it was written right at the deadline. If I was tearing out a stream-of-consciousness last-minute entry, you'd better believe I'd have one eye fixed on the clock, but here, In the conversation about Daring Do, you lose five minutes in the span of a single paragraph, and five minutes for pretty much the entire second half of the piece. This might just be OCD/overanalysis speaking, but that timing glitch sort of ruins the joke for me.

So there's this weird dichotomy here that leaves me not sure what to ultimately make of this. It's laughing at bad last-minute Writeoff entries, and it purports to be a bad last-minute Writeoff entry, but it's not quite laughing at itself? If this was written to sound rushed, it would have been great to see things like that addressed -- to feel like this was completely self-aware and inviting us to laugh along with its self-mockery. If this actually was written in fifteen minutes, I suppose that slipshod contruction was inevitable -- kudos on actually finishing something, but "complete" isn't the same as "good" and I don't know how much credit I can give you in the voting for merely crossing the finish line.

Anyway, I doubt this feedback will actually help the story -- it doesn't really have legs outside of this specific context, so there might not be much point to editing. I'm just dissecting it in hopes that it gives Writeoff authors in general something to chew on w.r.t. meta/comedy construction. I feel like I could have liked this as a trollfic if the meta had cohered better, but I'm sorta just left with "eh".

Tier: Needs Work

I'm with >>Trick_Question and >>FanOfMostEverything here, for similar reasons. I won't rehash that, but I do want to compare and contrast this to "Power Of Attorney", because the structure and especially the ending are superficially similar, but my reaction to them was very different.

I TC'ed Power of Attorney (>>horizon) because I felt like the ending pulled off an effective contextual twist: all along it looked like this was a story about Dash, but right at the end suddenly we saw all the responsibility get dumped in Twilight's lap -- and most importantly, it gave her a conflict and we see her make a decision. That gives the story a complete narrative arc and makes a profound statement about Twilight's character. What's the conflict here? People enjoying the story are citing Applejack vs. industrialization, but there's not nearly enough context for her "Yeah. ... Right." to say that she's made a decision. Twilight's yes in PoA felt unambiguous, but here, AJ might be succumbing to technology or she might just be agreeing not to start a fight with family. By ending on a note of ambiguity, the story raises that question but refuses to answer it -- leaving the core conflict unresolved.

I should specify that resolving the conflict does NOT require AJ to take one side or the other. Imagine if the following two lines had been added to the story:

As they were heading home from the reunion, Apple Bloom asked, "So are we gonna get one of them things, sis?"

Applejack was silent for a long time "I'll think about it," she said.

That retains the ambiguity but at least closes the conflict. We get to see her choice, and not choosing is a choice; the fact that she's got enough doubt to need to punt this decision is a strong statement after her certainty in the Flim Flam episode. But right now, she is not deciding: she is being presented with a problem, and so the story is not complete.

Tier: Almost There

Others have pointed out the flaws here, so I'll just add to the expressions of support, author. There are a number of problems on display, but individually, all of those problems are pretty easy to fix! Issues like the LUS and the wall-of-text effect can be fixed in just a minute or two of editing, with some line breaks and adding a few names, and a careful edit pass (for things like Sweetie Belle's uncapitalized name in paragraph 4) will bring the surface polish up to much shinier levels. The sad fact is that that surface polish has an outsized effect on how readers view your story, but the flip side of that is that putting in that tiny extra bit of work will draw readers in much more.

No story is ever perfect -- witness every single feedback thread in this competition -- but keep giving it your all and you'll find yourself improving quickly. And I look forward to your writing once those basic issues are ironed out: the core idea here -- of taking a risk in concert booking -- is a creative application of the prompt.

Tier: Needs Work

The beginning was hilarious, but midway through I found that I stopped understanding the jokes as well as the story. And Luna's claim that she wasn't stealing was buried under the barrage of attempts at jokes. This whole thing could use just a touch of expository description.

I liked this for its prose. I thought it was lovely. I will, at least somewhat, echo tyne sentiment that others have put forth that the idea is not so much cliché as it is predictable. Still, I thought this was nicely executed.

>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'm like, 99% certain we all misunderstood this story. I was thinking about this while walking around town today, and I realized:

Back where you came from, you were a bit of a bookworm, but proud of it. Your intellectual talents got your school tuition fees covered, so it was like having an enjoyable job. but had trouble socializing with fellow classmates. It didn't bother you much back then, since it meant more time just for you and your thoughts, keeping each other company. Even though your thoughts provided an interesting and challenging friendship, it did sting a little that it couldn't provide much for romance. Your thoughts would reassure you by telling you that love would find you eventually. A good, supportive friend.

You magically ended up in Ponyville that one day, feeling vulnerable and lost in a foreign world. Pinkie Pie was the first pony you met there, and though it was a little awkward, she ended up throwing you a surprise party. One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.

You = Twilight.

Also, Horizon (>>horizon) - reread the bit when Twilight enters the store:

Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop.

Pinkie Pie was imagining being on "your" back at that point, and then when Twilight comes in suddenly falls off the countertop. This is a clear sign that the whole thing was Pinkie Pie cleaning up herself and imagining being there with Twilight, as how else would she get on that countertop?

Anyway, yeah. This story isn't about a human in Equestria; it is about Pinkie fantasizing about Twilight. Note that the story never specifies gender or species. There's no sign of "you" being human, and it fits Twilight perfectly.

Author, you really shouldn't have used Anon there, as it hid the point of your story. If you'd have used Twilight's name - possibly right before she came in - it would have made the story way clearer to folks.

Oh, man. I was about to call bullsh** on this one because Chrysalis? Love? Ha! And then the ending slapped me in the mouth. Loved that ending! I kinda do want to know what the heck is/was up with the prisoner pony, but I guess it doesn't matter??

>>TitaniumDragon
Author, if TD's latest spoilertext is what you was going for, that would have been a much more interesting story than what's on the page, and I encourage you to edit it accordingly.

But the interpretation of you = Twilight Sparkle is directly and obviously contradicted by the text in multiple places. Most notably "She buries her curly mane into your shirt." and "You feel her noogie your hair with a hoof" and "Pinkie wrapping her hooves around your waist from behind", all referencing human clothing and anatomy. 2: "She leans down and gives a soft kiss on your cheek. She holds it there, feeling the warmth of your skin." While ponies do have skin underneath their hair/pelt/whatever, this image is specifically evocative of humans. 3: why would bookworm Twilight have the idea to jump Applejack's hay bales with Pinkie on her back? 4: most importantly, "Anon" is NOT a generic "you": Anon is a specific named fanon character who is male, human, and a computer nerd (with somewhat shifting details beyond that depending on writer interpretation). To say that the story doesn't identify "you" by gender or race is equivalent to saying that this story doesn't gender/race-identify Twilight Sparkle, which is also technically true, but there is a specific image that invokes and every reader should be able to safely assume (unless contradicted by textual evidence) that she is a female pony.

And yes, I caught that Pinkie was on the countertop when Twilight arrived. That was part of my original complaint: that specifically supports the interpretation that "you" is imaginary, while the other things I cited support the opposite, so the story feels to me very incoherent.

You know, one think I don't really like about this new discussion thread / review format is how easy it is to contaminate one's opinion of a story with other people's reactions. In the past, I generally avoided reading reviews of stories until I had read and reviewed them myself, so that my review would be unbiased by other people's interpretations. Now that's very difficult to avoid, with the reviews right there at the bottom.

In this case, that's quite lucky for the author. Because if the other reviews hadn't pointed out the connection to My Little Dashie, I would never have made that leap of logic. In which case this story would have received a big old "WTF was this supposed to be?" and been relegated to the bottom of my slate.

That explanation on the other hand, elevated it to the level of somewhat clever if super Meta.

I think everyone else said what I would have said... And they all did it better. O.o

Like everyone else, I quickly figured out that this was Pinkie's funeral. But the twist with Death, Hearths Warming, and a 'A Christmas Carol" was very clever. I did not see that coming at all. I agree that your language was a touch too flowery at the points that FanofMostEverything mentioned. And the introduction of Death, with the magibabble felt a touch abrupt and out of place. I loved your explanation for WHY he ended up in the wrong place / wrong time... And why Pinkie just went along with it. :>

Overall though, it get's two thumbs up! Well done!

Absolutely loved this one. I agree with the general sentiment that it could do with being a bit longer – the ending is played as a twist, but I’d already guessed what was happening by the end of the third paragraph (something about the phrasing “You know how she always stressed over time.” Past tense and such). It’s the sort of reveal that I think would be easier to control with a longer word count. Plus the thing that Trick_Question said. You should totally listen to that.

BUT! Considering you only had 750 words to play with, I can’t judge it too harshly for being the length that it is. It’s a really thoughtful little piece which kept me engaged throughout, and I’m rooting for it to do well. Which considering how many good entries there are on my slate, is saying something.

>>TitaniumDragon
That's brilliant, but I don't think it's right. There are plenty of clues that Anon is human: how she hangs on their shoulders, the fact that they're wearing a shirt (when does a pony wear a shirt, let alone Twilight?), the fact that it mentions Pinkie feeling their skin and hair instead of pelt and mane. I don't think what you're seeing was the intent, neat though it may be.

EDIT: Oops, horizon beat me to it.

Love, love, love the concept here, but I wasn’t entirely sold on the execution. Which isn’t to say that the actual writing itself wasn’t good, ’cause it totally was! I enjoyed the dialogue, and I think you used just the right amount of description to set the scene without taking the focus away from Twilight and Celestia’s conversation.

More than anything else, I think this might simply have been a victim of the short word limit. There are some really huge ideas at play here, and I admire the ambition. But it just didn’t feel developed enough for me – like, I didn’t buy that Celestia would need so little convincing to hand over the book, or that, after everything she’d been told, Twilight would just make her decision right on the spot. Which isn’t to say that she hasn’t made rash decisions in the actual show, but even by those standards, it felt hurried.

Still! I make it sound like I enjoyed this a lot less than I actually did. I’ve placed it pretty high on my slate.

I’m not sure I have much to add that hasn’t already been said. But I just wanted to say that, yeah, whilst the last line is too on the nose for it’s own good, I nevertheless really enjoyed this one – it’s funny, well written, and with good character development. Great job, author!

>>TheCyanRecluse
Honestly, I think that's a good thing rather than a bad thing.

You can avoid reading the other comments if you want to, but generally speaking it's helpful to be able to see what the hell a story is about, and this allows us to. It used to be the case that I'd never read the reviews for stories I hadn't reviewed yet, and so even in the rare case I read all the stories I wouldn't get to read all the reviews; but now I can read every single review because I read the old reviews for a story immediately after reading the story. It's super-convenient.

A rather odd entry. I tend to avoid Anon on general principle and thus have not had much experience with those stories, but I decided to bear it when I saw the continuous stream of spoilered traffic.

For feedback, I agree with the others that this is quite vague, almost to the point of infuriatingly vexing, but holds just enough promise to make me want to comb through it and figure it out... There's an undercurrent of emotion here just begging to be free, but it's so hard to find out exactly what it is... Edit: It's distracting enough that I completely forgot to look for a way that the story ties to the prompt.

I think I'll take a shot at helping the interpretation along. Or else I'll just muck it up even further. Never know until we try!

The first thing I notice is how the moment Twilight comes into the picture there is an immediate change in tense and perspective. The story is no longer 2nd person Anon focus, and we switch from present to past tense. Also notice Pinkie's position before and after the switch. Before the switch, I see no indication that Pinkie ever got off off Anon's shoulders, and after, she is tumbling off a countertop. Both lead me to believe that Anon is imaginary. I would even hazard a guess that Pinkie is narrating the first two thirds of this story and the words we are reading are her internal narrative and she's coming up with a backstory for Anon as she plays along with her fantasy.

Next, I see Twilight directly acknowledges the emptiness of Sugarcube Corner and hopes Pinkey isn't lonely. Immediately after she leaves, the mess is cleaned up. This could all be symbolism for loneliness and how Pinkie deals with it.

But why name Anon? It only occurs once in the entire story, indicating it is significant. Anon is clearly human as pointed out by horizon's analysis of the anatomy referenced throughout the story. No matter which way I approach it, this seems like a very deliberate and potentially calculated decision.

I have two theories that are as strong as a house of cards:

1) Anon is real, but not there. He's somewhere else, being cared for by Twilight Sparkle. He has gravitated toward her due to their similar backgrounds and interests. However, he has not noticed Pinkie Pie's extra attentions and she fantasizes about him a bit. I don't think this is correct since it doesn't match up as well with the idea of loneliness and the disappearing cake batter.

2) Anon is not real, but perhaps the fact that Anon is named such is meant to steer the story towards commentary on Anon stories and the authors that write about Anon. I was going to ramble some about how Pinkie acts around Anon and her attachment to him, but I'm very disappointed with how superfluous that makes Twilight's visit and ignores the fact that the cake is for a non-specific "he."

I'm flummoxed. Maybe the secret is in AJ's hay bales...

Edit: You're not the only one getting ninja'd, Trick.

I have little to add to previous reviews. The fact that nothing seemed to change about the futility of the situation made it kinda depressing. Maybe showing the fight going on before they knew they were doomed, and having just the final few paragraphs show how they continue their rivalry with any means necessary (the cards) would take care of that. Just an idea.

There are plenty of nitpicks I could make here -- e.g. given the actual situation, if this is a ceremony that all of them go through, he's not losing a daughter in any meaningful way -- but this seems to me to work despite them. I found my eyes glazing over a bit during some of the liturgy, but I like the general sound/feel of it. (Nice touch with the Anglican Book Of Prayer takeoff -- was the rest similarly pulled from Earth traditions?)

I half-agree with >>Trick_Question: the fact of canon is still an impediment here, but for me, it was the biggest problem. It could definitely use some lampshading of the Pinkamena thing.

Tier: Solid

I did like the language in this one, and, although the last outburst was a bit uncharacteristic, Rainbow Dash is well written, too.

What I don't buy is:
A. Fluttershy living self-reliantly enough (in winter, of all seasons) to avoid Ponyville folk to an extent that turns her into some sort of lonely hermit.
B. Fluttershy turning suicidal in this situation.

A: Why do animals hibernate? Because there's no food. What do ponies need? Right, food. Either Fluttershy's got a big stash (hard to do in one week), or she gets stuff from Ponyville. As soon as she steps hoof into Ponyville, Pinkie's gonna be in her face. Chances of loneliness = 0.

B: Suicide is a tough subject indeed, and I can't say I talk from first-hand experience, but all I've ever heard points to it being the final stage of mental illness. A case of "disowned by parents" and animal friends go to sleep for maybe 4 months doesn't seem sufficient for me to lead to a full blown depression.

Then again, I'm remarkably not-depressed and non-suicidal, so maybe I'm talking horseshit.

Even after reading this entire comment thread, I don't understand what the story is trying to say, and I don't think that having it explained in further detail would significantly change my opinion of it.

Look, author: if you're going to draw in outside context such as porn websites, you are essentially writing a crossover, and as such I am going to score this under crossover rules. If you, say, write a Dragon Ball Z crossover and it makes no sense to the average reader unless they already know going in that Mr. Satan is widely thought to be Cell's killer, then it's your duty to provide enough context for a general audience to pick it up as they read, or else you're going to limit yourself to an audience of weebs. Apparently the cactus thing is an in-joke here (I'm not even aware of the existence of the video >>TitaniumDragon referenced), and as far as the allegory >>Trick_Question mentions, I'd have to do a lot more googling to understand how anorexia and these particular porn websites are related, and I have less than zero desire to wade through the underbelly of the internet to find out. So I am not in your target audience, and the story doesn't seem to make any effort to include me. All I can score it on is its prose quality and that audience disregard.

Tier: Misaimed