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The Heirloom
"It's not grave robbing if it's your own tomb."
"I'm not sure the law has ever considered this angle of the question, sir. Still, the legal technicality is not what puts me at unease."
Blueblood raised his head from the duffel bag, a crowbar and a tumbler filled with ice and an amber liquid levitating beside him. "Trusted Butler, what are you talking about?"
"Sir, for the umpteenth time, my name is not Trusted Butler, it is Cornerstone. And I am more worried about the fact that somepony may see the supposedly deceased Prince shuffling around 'Alive and Kicking' so to say."
"You worry too much." The Prince took a sip from his glass, then smacked his lips. "Nopony comes ever in the catacombs, certainly not at night. And after we have my heirloom we can finally leave for a bright and exciting future." The crowbar flew to the gray earthpony in black jacket.
Cornerstone grabbed the tool and stepped to the marble sarcophagus. He lowered his head, his eyes following the thin line separating the upper and the lower part of the coffin.
Blueblood observed his drink, his eyes unfocused. "You know, I really appreciate that you'll follow me, Trusted Butler. I mean, you'll leave everything behind for this big, crazy even if undoubtedly fascinating adventure."
Cornerstone put his ear on the marble surface, then tapped with his hoof two times. "My oath of service won't expire with a fake death, sir. I checked." He rose and moved a bit further down before eyeing critically another point. "I admit I was surprised that this specific case was covered. If you permit the observation, it raises some worrying questions about your family. And it explains what happened to great-aunt Mainstay."
"True, true. What can I say, we Bluebloods are lovable rascals."
"Right sir, lovable." Cornerstone raised the crowbar, stuck it in a thin slit near the head of the sarcophagus, then pulled down. The cover sled almost without a sound. "Sir, you can recover your heirloom, and then we can continue with this farce."
"We could become pirates." Blueblood put the tumbler on the floor and trotted to the open tomb. "It would be thematically appropriate. Forced to flee and leave an old live behind because of a prohibited love, scour the nine seas, and return in a decade at the head of a ragtag bunch of misfits to get the place that is rightfully mine. I can see it."
"Sir, I detest to pop that specific romantic bubble, but there was no prohibited love. Princess Essekbeli swore to gut you and feed you your intestines while you died."
"Details. But you are right, I should have romanced her brother. Ah, the sacrifices one does for his country, I was sure the edge we could get at the negotiations would have been worth it. And he is a handsome stallion. So, no exile on the wide sea to forget a tragic love?"
Cornerstone closed his eyes and moved the lips murmuring something. He sighed and walked to the duffel bag. "No sir, it would not be appropriate. And I would be very grateful if we could avoid any deeds involving banditry, fraud or similar endeavors that may end with us being chased by angry villagers or guards."
"We shall see." Blueblood looked in the open sarcophagus, then smiled as he levitated out a monstrously decorated Cuckoo clock. It was an abomination that spat in the face of everything decent. Timekeeping devices everywhere wept whenever it ticked. It was so tacky it deformed space around it, and if one remained alone with it it was possible to hear a faint yodeling from beyond the veil reason suggesting horrid visions of wooden chalets and lederhosen.
Cornerstone shivered, then looked away and gathered the tools and the bottle of Griffin Mist.
Blueblood trotted over to the earthpony. "Isn't it a beauty? Ah, the idea of abandoning it was breaking my poor heart."
"It is certainly something, sir." He glanced briefly at the horror before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag. "Are you absolute certain that it is necessary to take it? Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have put so much effort in the funeral and in showing that you were really dead by sealing that thing in a tomb. And now the open coffin may create some doubts."
"Worry not. They'll say it was changelings or something like that. Enough complaining Trusted Butler, it's time to go. Onward to Adventure!"
"I'm not sure the law has ever considered this angle of the question, sir. Still, the legal technicality is not what puts me at unease."
Blueblood raised his head from the duffel bag, a crowbar and a tumbler filled with ice and an amber liquid levitating beside him. "Trusted Butler, what are you talking about?"
"Sir, for the umpteenth time, my name is not Trusted Butler, it is Cornerstone. And I am more worried about the fact that somepony may see the supposedly deceased Prince shuffling around 'Alive and Kicking' so to say."
"You worry too much." The Prince took a sip from his glass, then smacked his lips. "Nopony comes ever in the catacombs, certainly not at night. And after we have my heirloom we can finally leave for a bright and exciting future." The crowbar flew to the gray earthpony in black jacket.
Cornerstone grabbed the tool and stepped to the marble sarcophagus. He lowered his head, his eyes following the thin line separating the upper and the lower part of the coffin.
Blueblood observed his drink, his eyes unfocused. "You know, I really appreciate that you'll follow me, Trusted Butler. I mean, you'll leave everything behind for this big, crazy even if undoubtedly fascinating adventure."
Cornerstone put his ear on the marble surface, then tapped with his hoof two times. "My oath of service won't expire with a fake death, sir. I checked." He rose and moved a bit further down before eyeing critically another point. "I admit I was surprised that this specific case was covered. If you permit the observation, it raises some worrying questions about your family. And it explains what happened to great-aunt Mainstay."
"True, true. What can I say, we Bluebloods are lovable rascals."
"Right sir, lovable." Cornerstone raised the crowbar, stuck it in a thin slit near the head of the sarcophagus, then pulled down. The cover sled almost without a sound. "Sir, you can recover your heirloom, and then we can continue with this farce."
"We could become pirates." Blueblood put the tumbler on the floor and trotted to the open tomb. "It would be thematically appropriate. Forced to flee and leave an old live behind because of a prohibited love, scour the nine seas, and return in a decade at the head of a ragtag bunch of misfits to get the place that is rightfully mine. I can see it."
"Sir, I detest to pop that specific romantic bubble, but there was no prohibited love. Princess Essekbeli swore to gut you and feed you your intestines while you died."
"Details. But you are right, I should have romanced her brother. Ah, the sacrifices one does for his country, I was sure the edge we could get at the negotiations would have been worth it. And he is a handsome stallion. So, no exile on the wide sea to forget a tragic love?"
Cornerstone closed his eyes and moved the lips murmuring something. He sighed and walked to the duffel bag. "No sir, it would not be appropriate. And I would be very grateful if we could avoid any deeds involving banditry, fraud or similar endeavors that may end with us being chased by angry villagers or guards."
"We shall see." Blueblood looked in the open sarcophagus, then smiled as he levitated out a monstrously decorated Cuckoo clock. It was an abomination that spat in the face of everything decent. Timekeeping devices everywhere wept whenever it ticked. It was so tacky it deformed space around it, and if one remained alone with it it was possible to hear a faint yodeling from beyond the veil reason suggesting horrid visions of wooden chalets and lederhosen.
Cornerstone shivered, then looked away and gathered the tools and the bottle of Griffin Mist.
Blueblood trotted over to the earthpony. "Isn't it a beauty? Ah, the idea of abandoning it was breaking my poor heart."
"It is certainly something, sir." He glanced briefly at the horror before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag. "Are you absolute certain that it is necessary to take it? Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have put so much effort in the funeral and in showing that you were really dead by sealing that thing in a tomb. And now the open coffin may create some doubts."
"Worry not. They'll say it was changelings or something like that. Enough complaining Trusted Butler, it's time to go. Onward to Adventure!"
This is very telly. If you showed us the scenes that the characters discussed instead of giving them to us via dialogue, it would be much better. Try not to tell the audience what to conclude or feel.
Also, I'm not sure the clock was just for laughs or not, but I felt like its mystical elements needed more explanation.
Also, I'm not sure the clock was just for laughs or not, but I felt like its mystical elements needed more explanation.
Author, you have my biggest grin. I nearly burst out laughing twice while reading this, and in public no less. At least one individual seemed quite unnerved by my conduct. So kudos to you.
Now then: I will nitpick that this is absolutely not a story. This is a teaser-trailer, if anything. You've captured my interest, but clearly we'll have to wait for the rest of it before we really know what the story is about.
Now then: I will nitpick that this is absolutely not a story. This is a teaser-trailer, if anything. You've captured my interest, but clearly we'll have to wait for the rest of it before we really know what the story is about.
There are a few iffy word choices here and there, like a questionable use of “detest.” As for the story itself, it was amusing, but it didn’t really go anywhere. The characters are fun and the eldritch heirloom amuses me, but there’s no clear point to the proceedings, especially since Blueblood never comes to a decision with his plans. Also, while it isn't necessary for the story, it would be nice to know how the prince faked his death. In all, this is the start of something promising, but only the start.
Very amusing romp. As someone who ordinarily hates non-mane six and OCs, you managed to endear me to both in only a few hundred words with some snappy, well-written dialogue. Kudos.
This particular characterization of Blueblood isn't one I've ever seen before, but I liked it. I also really liked the insistence of calling Cornerstone "Trusty Butler." I laughed at the name at first "wait, someone is actually named that?" And laughed again when I realized that, no, it was just Blueblood being an unsympathetic ass.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
“sarcophagus”, really? (In Greek, it means “corpse eater” and is the root of the French word for a coffin, “cercueil”).
Blueblood is a unicorn, no? Why does he have to use a crowbar to slide the slab?
You went slightly overboard with your cuckoo clock. That's what happen when you buy knockoffs.
“before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag.” You're not heading for clarity here.
Yeah, it was mildly funny, but I think it's not as funny as it could've been. Painting Blueblood as a bawdy rascal faking his death is a great idea, but somehow I think there are still loose ends and you could've pushed the gimmick further. Not bad, though.
Blueblood is a unicorn, no? Why does he have to use a crowbar to slide the slab?
You went slightly overboard with your cuckoo clock. That's what happen when you buy knockoffs.
“before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag.” You're not heading for clarity here.
Yeah, it was mildly funny, but I think it's not as funny as it could've been. Painting Blueblood as a bawdy rascal faking his death is a great idea, but somehow I think there are still loose ends and you could've pushed the gimmick further. Not bad, though.
This is not a review, but while reading through these I feel compelled to say that your description of the cuckoo clock had me laughing far, far too much. Thank you for that, author. That was phenomenal. ("Timekeeping devices everywhere wept whenever it ticked" has just become my favourite sentence, ever.)
I can kinda see how others might find some laughs here, but this just didn't do anything for me. The amount of telly language gave away the whole thing almost from the start, and while I normally don't worry much about typos in Writeoffs, the odd word ordering and pacing in places really broke my focus. The clock almost gave me a chuckle, but the overboard description of it snuffed it out immediately, and left me scratching my head again as to what was going on here.
>>Trick_Question
>>GrandMoffPony
I probably should have used the idea in a short-fic, considering I already cut a lot down here to fit it in the word-limit. Telly language seems to be one of the many problems my writing has that I'm still struggling with.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bugle
I had really not planed anything longer, considering this piece came out just for the Write-off after a good night of sleep. But thanks for the encouraging words, I may have some ideas on how to expand this and make it a complete story instead of what amounts to a scene (once I kind of finish with the other stuff I have in my queue).
>>Jake R
>>QuillScratch
Glad you enjoyed it, it means it accomplished something
>>Calipony
Sarcophagus is a perfectly valid word:P
And yeah, as said previously I should probably have compressed the story differently to make it tighter.
.
>>GrandMoffPony
I probably should have used the idea in a short-fic, considering I already cut a lot down here to fit it in the word-limit. Telly language seems to be one of the many problems my writing has that I'm still struggling with.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bugle
I had really not planed anything longer, considering this piece came out just for the Write-off after a good night of sleep. But thanks for the encouraging words, I may have some ideas on how to expand this and make it a complete story instead of what amounts to a scene (once I kind of finish with the other stuff I have in my queue).
>>Jake R
>>QuillScratch
Glad you enjoyed it, it means it accomplished something
>>Calipony
Sarcophagus is a perfectly valid word:P
And yeah, as said previously I should probably have compressed the story differently to make it tighter.
.