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Beneath Rosemeadow Manor
Carapace had been ready for the end, when it came. She had known the swarm was drawing near. How could she not? She’d been afraid to fully silence the Hive. To be completely alone. Though she had broken away years ago, it was a hum always at the back of her mind, a hum that had grown to a roar in the days before the invasion came. She didn’t want to be alone like that, to have only her thoughts and nothing else.
She bore no malice against ponies. Not anymore. Not since one had found her in a moment of weakness, had seen her disguise falter, and had met her with curiosity instead of fear.
Curiosity became kindness. Kindness became friendship. And friendship became love, freely given. Love that Carapace returned, for on the day of the Invasion, she cut herself off for the first time. Broke the link to the hive, so none could use it to track her.
And Carapace could do nothing, now. Yes, she had secreted Moon Glow into the cellar beneath her house, stocked it as full of provisions as possible, barricaded the door and camouflaged it as best she could, but all of that was temporary.
Food, after all, was a limited resource. And a week ago, it had run out.
Now Moon Glow lay on a cot, and smiled at her, too weak to further move. “You shouldn’t starve yourself too,” she protested. “You should -” Coughing kept her from saying more.
“You need your strength, Glowy! And...besides. They’re your people up there. Mistaken, yes. But you should still go to them. Tell them where I am. You can live, and...you’ve said the dreams are nice.” Moon Glow smiled. “I’m sure I will dream of you.”
“No!” She said sharply. “They’d be a lie. To the rest, ponies are just food and I won’t help that. I won’t! I...look. Stay here. Don’t move. I’ll go find more food. When I get up there I’ll open myself just enough to blend in. But I won’t let them have you!”
Moon Glow chuckled, as much as it hurt to do so. “I don’t think you have to worry about me moving. I’m more worried about you. You haven’t been feeding. Do you think I can’t tell? You haven’t shapechanged in days.”
“I know you say it just tickles, Glowy. But I won’t feed off you like this. You need every bit of strength you can get. And...I’ve had worse. I never felt so empty as before you found me. Just...stay still. Try to sleep. I’ll be back.”
Carapace turned away. Moved boxes, and soon enough the scrape of a protesting hinge announced her departure.
Two minutes later, amidst the vibrant, goo-less streets of Canterlot, among a tide of a thousand panicking ponies, all Carapace could do was sit there and gape. Amidst the cries of ‘Changeling!’, and ‘Invasion!’, and ‘It’s the wedding all over again!’, she watched as winged shapes dropped out of the sky. Guardsponies.
And through it all, as spears bristled in her direction, only one phrase came to mind. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me…”
She bore no malice against ponies. Not anymore. Not since one had found her in a moment of weakness, had seen her disguise falter, and had met her with curiosity instead of fear.
Curiosity became kindness. Kindness became friendship. And friendship became love, freely given. Love that Carapace returned, for on the day of the Invasion, she cut herself off for the first time. Broke the link to the hive, so none could use it to track her.
And Carapace could do nothing, now. Yes, she had secreted Moon Glow into the cellar beneath her house, stocked it as full of provisions as possible, barricaded the door and camouflaged it as best she could, but all of that was temporary.
Food, after all, was a limited resource. And a week ago, it had run out.
Now Moon Glow lay on a cot, and smiled at her, too weak to further move. “You shouldn’t starve yourself too,” she protested. “You should -” Coughing kept her from saying more.
“You need your strength, Glowy! And...besides. They’re your people up there. Mistaken, yes. But you should still go to them. Tell them where I am. You can live, and...you’ve said the dreams are nice.” Moon Glow smiled. “I’m sure I will dream of you.”
“No!” She said sharply. “They’d be a lie. To the rest, ponies are just food and I won’t help that. I won’t! I...look. Stay here. Don’t move. I’ll go find more food. When I get up there I’ll open myself just enough to blend in. But I won’t let them have you!”
Moon Glow chuckled, as much as it hurt to do so. “I don’t think you have to worry about me moving. I’m more worried about you. You haven’t been feeding. Do you think I can’t tell? You haven’t shapechanged in days.”
“I know you say it just tickles, Glowy. But I won’t feed off you like this. You need every bit of strength you can get. And...I’ve had worse. I never felt so empty as before you found me. Just...stay still. Try to sleep. I’ll be back.”
Carapace turned away. Moved boxes, and soon enough the scrape of a protesting hinge announced her departure.
Two minutes later, amidst the vibrant, goo-less streets of Canterlot, among a tide of a thousand panicking ponies, all Carapace could do was sit there and gape. Amidst the cries of ‘Changeling!’, and ‘Invasion!’, and ‘It’s the wedding all over again!’, she watched as winged shapes dropped out of the sky. Guardsponies.
And through it all, as spears bristled in her direction, only one phrase came to mind. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me…”
Don't tell us what Carapace did, show us. Stop narrating what happened and illustrate it with actions. Lead the reader to understand it, don't just tell them.
Don't put two speakers in the same paragraph of text.
I don't understand the conclusion.
Don't put two speakers in the same paragraph of text.
I don't understand the conclusion.
Story Review
Beneath Rosemeadow Manor (8)
This story needs to be developed more to do anything to grab me, honestly. The dialogue is trying to tell us too much, rather than showing us. Also, the spoken lines need to be more clear in who is saying what (pretty much what Trick said, now that I refresh this).
The beginning vs the end doesn't mesh at all. You had drama up to the break, and then an inconclusive and confusing ending that was obviously intended to be humorous, with no proper buildup to that humor. The humor broke the drama, the drama didn't support the humor.
Now if you'd gone for cheesy melodrama during the first scene, and then played up the ending as it is, it would have worked better.
Or if you'd gone with tense (non-cheesy) drama at the opening and ended with a changeling death, this would have been a tragedy.
But using both together? Doesn't work.
Beneath Rosemeadow Manor (8)
This story needs to be developed more to do anything to grab me, honestly. The dialogue is trying to tell us too much, rather than showing us. Also, the spoken lines need to be more clear in who is saying what (pretty much what Trick said, now that I refresh this).
The beginning vs the end doesn't mesh at all. You had drama up to the break, and then an inconclusive and confusing ending that was obviously intended to be humorous, with no proper buildup to that humor. The humor broke the drama, the drama didn't support the humor.
Now if you'd gone for cheesy melodrama during the first scene, and then played up the ending as it is, it would have worked better.
Or if you'd gone with tense (non-cheesy) drama at the opening and ended with a changeling death, this would have been a tragedy.
But using both together? Doesn't work.
I’m having a lot of trouble telling who’s saying what in the first conversation. I’m not sure if there are multiple speakers in single paragraphs or what, but it’s really hard to track for some reason.
As for the end… I think I understand it. In all, this needs some proofreading and clarification. The logic just doesn’t hold up as is.
>>Trick_Question
Because Carapace cut herself off from the hivemind, she didn’t know the invasion had been repelled, and thus she and Moon Glow have been hiding and starving for no reason. Of course, that doesn’t explain why nopony has looked for them in all that time.
As for the end… I think I understand it. In all, this needs some proofreading and clarification. The logic just doesn’t hold up as is.
>>Trick_Question
Because Carapace cut herself off from the hivemind, she didn’t know the invasion had been repelled, and thus she and Moon Glow have been hiding and starving for no reason. Of course, that doesn’t explain why nopony has looked for them in all that time.
Well... you've picked some good ideas to work with here, I'd say. I was also unclear what was going on, until I read FOME's comment; the timeframes here are quite unclear to my reading. I thought that the invasion was further in the past, and... yeah, I don't even know. You've also got some confusion in who's acting/speaking, so double-check your pronoun attribution and be careful about how many actors per paragraph you've got.
Probably what held me back most, though, was uncertainty on what emotion/message you're trying to convey here. You've picked some strong ideas, but I don't feel that they were developed strongly/deeply enough to really pack much of a punch to me, as the reader. More words might help with that, but that's the basic weakness I'm feeling here.
Probably what held me back most, though, was uncertainty on what emotion/message you're trying to convey here. You've picked some strong ideas, but I don't feel that they were developed strongly/deeply enough to really pack much of a punch to me, as the reader. More words might help with that, but that's the basic weakness I'm feeling here.
Yeesh, this one... well, it needs some fine tuning at the very least.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
Is it some requirement that every single minific has to have some funny twist at the end? Like, seriously, over half my ballot is made up of these types of endings. This one is funnier than most, but what’s the point? Sure, the set up is fine, the punchline is decently silly. But why are we writing so many stories that are nothing but a long set up for a single punchline?
>>FanOfMostEverything
Oh yeah, that would explain it.
I dunno, there's good raw material here but the tonal whiplash from dark/drama/romance to pseudo-comedy is too much for me.
Oh yeah, that would explain it.
I dunno, there's good raw material here but the tonal whiplash from dark/drama/romance to pseudo-comedy is too much for me.
There's a good one-shot waiting to grow out of this one, but I think the short word limit hurt this entry a lot. I''ll agree with what others have said about tonal shifts and multiple speakers in the same paragraph, but those are both easy to correct by the author.
What it needs is just more room to run in terms of word count, and it needs more meat on the bones to help fill in the why and how of Carapace/Moonglow's situation.
What it needs is just more room to run in terms of word count, and it needs more meat on the bones to help fill in the why and how of Carapace/Moonglow's situation.
I had to reread the first few paragraphs a few times before I figured them out. It seemed like you were contradicting yourself about Carapace cutting herself off, but I eventually figured it out.
My first thought was that it would end the way it did, but I dismissed that idea because I thought that they would have found a way to check how things were going outside, or that she would have at least felt the giant love wave, but apparently not. I guess Carapace just thought that the changelings' victory was inevitable for some reason.
My first thought was that it would end the way it did, but I dismissed that idea because I thought that they would have found a way to check how things were going outside, or that she would have at least felt the giant love wave, but apparently not. I guess Carapace just thought that the changelings' victory was inevitable for some reason.