I’ve been here a month, and I don’t know if I want to.

Don't know if you want to what?

The narrator voice feels like it fluctuates a lot, and the ending isn't very satisfying. The scenes feel too disconnected for it to be a slice of life, and in particular the ominous part doesn't feel connected to anything or foreshadowed by anything. Eh.

Oof, I think this doesn't know where it wants to go. Or maybe it's just that my head is spinning from trying to envision the geometry of Twilight's original trajectory.

"If you go right long enough, you eventually go left." really jarred me versus the way I imagine Twilight, because I think she'd find the geometry more than intuitive enough for it to affect even her self-awareness-suppressed, emotionally-driven actions. And if it's a literal circle then it doesn't work; she'll always be looking toward the interior of the circle, and to the left of the original point would be on the exterior. I might be an outlier, but I think that was actually one of the main things that threw me completely out of the story.

The other is that there's this weird dark tone behind everything that never fits or gets resolved: the way the disaster is treated so seriously doesn't mesh with the rest, in a way I don't quite know how to describe, and the ending is bizarre. I can see "Rainbow Dash's Revenge". "Fluttershy's Revenge", really? (But it's not just the name; it's the whole way that winds up going. If anything I would imagine Angel to be softened by the events of the story; the way his antagonism is presented in canon just makes that seem vastly more likely to me.)

I'm okay with Human in Equestria type stories. However, I still get bored when I don't know anything about the human subject. We are given a few hints about this person's job, upbringing, and accent, but that's not what satisfies me. Neither do I think the nameless blank-slate trope is wrong, because sometimes that can work well. What makes me indifferent to the fate of this narrator is that he/she doesn't seem to have any opinion on being warped to Equestria. Sometimes the Human is overjoyed or pissed off, but this one doesn't care. It's the common trope of Anon only hanging around, doing physical chores for the neighbors to be helpful, la la la. Just a forgettable nice guy. or girl.

And maybe because of that, the twist in the story isn't attached to anything to be twisted. Human has no opinion or reaction, except to ignore this. No turning point, no change. The twist needs to connect to a new idea, not keep the status quo. Are the ponies going to cook and devour the Human next week, or what?

I did like the beginning, describing how the narrator got warped to Equestria. It was told in an interesting enough style. and the twist itself was a nice little detail, finding the clippings; I felt some tension even despite the narrator being so indifferent about it. This has some of the more-difficult pieces of a story structure already in place, but the structure is bare and hollow because the Human has no personality and never reacts to anything.

I love the premise, and the ending lands on all four hooves with a quiet drop.

There's some minor problems, including some minor textual errors. The dangling antecedent in the beginning of the second paragraph is jarring even though it's presumably not dangling in the context of Maud and Boulder's conversation (I feel like this might be the main source of the odd uncomfortable feeling the rest of the story gives me; I haven't been able to explain it otherwise). The descriptions of Maud being pummeled by reasons not to do what she's doing seem kind of redundant with each other.

>>Trick_Question I meant (playfully) that I'm pretty sure you could figure out a way to form a useful measurement of the feedback, especially if you had Moondancer and Twilight helping you. That's all. :-)

“Not always ponies,” he said. “Other things, too.”

I figured it out! the BEER is the changeling! and it's speaking into his mind!

Alright, I have no clue either.

Great buildup of paranoid suspense. But I found it very unsatisfying as a twist story, because there's no twist. A story doesn't necessarily have to provide answers to its questions, but here I'm not even sure what question it's asking.

I liked Spearhead as a character. I didn't laugh much at the humor, but I did find the exchange charming. Let's ship em!

It's a bit amusing that this takes place over the return of Nightmare Moon episodes, and the Canterlot guards are completely unaware that anything happened to Celestia overnight. I guess that makes sense, it happened in Ponyville, why would they know?

side tangent: I always wondered why the ponies thought the Moon Sister was a myth before she returned, but nobody made the connection that Celestia was the Sun Sister. Something about this suggests that the ponies don't know she's over 1000 years old. Yet after the pilot, Celestia is retroactively treated as a deity more than a royal mortal. Whatever, inconsistencies!

Top of my slate you go. Why? Because:

Rarity

Best pone, enough said. What? Not enough? Okay.

I loved it. I feeled it.
It doesn't only fit perfectly Rarity's personnality, but it also felt real, an excellent portrait of feelings anyone could have before such a choice.

What she had issues with was the feeling that she was robbing her friends of their closeness to her.

Element of Generosity. Brilliant. Excellent. Such a generous person would have a hard time with this.

What? It's very telly, you say? Yes, that's the point. The more details, the more I could connect with Rarity and feel her struggle.

Anyway,I feel like I could go on and on and it wouldn't even make the story justice.
So it's a gargantuan yes. Thank you very much for this.

I'm largely in agreement with the comments already made, which will probably make this a dull read. The cue regarding Celestia and her (potentially) compromising situation gave the piece a different tone entirely (at least, to me), and I personally struggled to realign myself with what was ultimately a more serious piece.

I also had a sense that Celestia's rebuffing of Sunset's concerns was going to link strongly into the prompt; namely that she was ignoring the facts about her sister in the hope that everything would resolve itself fine. But then the ending suggests that wasn't quite the case, and so I don't know what exactly I'm taking from the story. Which is a shame, as it's a technically solid and well executed piece, but which is apparently just a literary retelling of Luna's fall in an AU bookcover. I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest on its own merits, but within the confines of this round I was left feeling a little lost.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Ah jeez... Read a lot of that with my legs crossed. It's certainly evocative and descriptive, I'll give you that. And to be honest, I think it's a necessary component for what you are setting out to achieve. Cutting down on the descriptions would weaken the premise, in my opinion, although doing so because of reader discomfort would have certainly been another way of interpreting the prompt.

A great take on the prompt and solid execution. Thought-provoking and entertaining. Thanks for sharing your work.

Ha. This was a blast. So much fun. Almost made me want to read pony fic again. Bravo!
I mean, it's the sort of twist on the show I dote on. So cliché but so fun. Thanks for writing.

>>Fenton

That was gross and very uncomfortable.

So prissy prudish!

>>Light_Striker
Ah, I see. :)

I read this, and then looked over the comments saying that there's too many scenes mashed together into one. and I thought, "oh, I guess that's true. I didn't notice it, it wasn't even on my mind..."

That "flaw" didn't bother me at all. I actually really enjoyed it! It may be 4 or 5 conversations melding into each other, and the transitions might be a little shaky, but it seemed like a stylistic choice to me. They flow together, less as a concrete series of events, but as a subjective blur within Fluttershy's heart. I didn't find it confusing, because one event logically lead to the next. it's also a good economical choice for fitting this much within the minific limits, without having to re-establish settings and details.

It's a common enough retelling of childhood bullying and isolation. Even while I knew the plot wasn't anything original, I was still strongly engaged because it was written in a style I hadn't seen before. I was immersed where everyone else (so far) wasn't. Maybe I'll be the only one, but this was my honest reaction.

the conclusion doesn't feel nearly as strong, and we all know what happens next in their story anyway, but I think it's the only part that suffers from fitting within the word limit. it's just fluffy and not much else, but not even enough room to be cute fluff. this may be an armchair-suggestion, but I think it would've been pretty interesting if Rainbow Dash introduced herself in much the same way as the bully talked -- boasting about becoming a Wonderbolt, dismissive of grades and eggheads -- only to make Fluttershy uncomfortable and defensive. the irony of an unfortunate first impression from the one pony who would stick up for her later, yeah?

some of the word selection sticks out a lot as unusual.... "influent" doesn't mean the same as "influential" (or is it "affluent"). "crocodile"?? that sure got my attention, but I think it was intended as something else, not a Godzilla attack on the city.

An ambitious story. There's a thrilling moment when you figure out exactly who and what this is all about, but fortunately it provides enough hints to make it clear for anyone, I believe.

As for what it actually means in the end? Not sure yet.

EDIT: so, the Ticks and Tocks are clockwork imagery. orderly, repetitive, predictable; all of these he hates. but it's also time. much like a heartbeat, it's like a countdown to the ponies' limits of mortality. hence he keeps imagining these disturbing and violent whims.

I think I see the ending two different ways. the clock keeps ticking, so it's only a matter of time before Discord tosses it all away. It's all he thinks about, and he knowingly tries to conceal it. kind of a downer. but the other idea I had, looking at how the final line trails off....... it's like it just keeps going. despite how much he wants to betray her, believing it's inevitable, he'll never actually do it. the ticks and tocks will continue, counting every second that he pushes back that ugly finale, until eternity.

it's not quite my preferred kind of story, having this ambiguous message that could go either way. but I hope this is a decent start to analyzing this one, maybe others will have more refined ideas and understandings to add to this thread.

>>Light_Striker Update: I've partially changed my mind and pushed this partway back up my slate, but I do still think that while the writing itself is quite good, the lack of connection with the rest of the universe puts it at the margin of the round's theme. In particular, that aspect seems like something that could have been been consciously pushed closer to the reader's attention and integrated better without destroying the tone that makes the piece in the first place.

Nicely written for the most part, although there are one or two sentences that come across unwieldy and in need of some slight revision. Such as:

Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society.

Like a few others have already said though, I can't quite work out whether there is a deeper meaning at play here. If there is, then perhaps consideration could be given into making it a little more overt. If there isn't anything more subtle going on, and the story is to be taken at face value, then Twilight's smirk is... concerning. Worry indeed, Spike.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Aaand now the comments have spoiled me on Petriculture. Oh well, hopefully I'll forget by the time it finally rolls around in my RiL.

I like the premise overall, but it seems like this is a subject that needs too much explanation in too little space. A large chunk of the story is just Celestia extrapolating on facts, which is hardly a good means of maintaining reader investment beyond "oh, that's neat." The Discord segment also came out of left field and, at least to me, doesn't meld well at all with the flow of the story.

Not a bad story, but I think a different approach is needed to make it great.

The pacing seems jerky. The beginning section in particular feels clumsy; the lines from the Pie family are somewhat witty, but feel a bit like a waste of space, considering that the exposition of the inciting incident is awkwardly squeezed into a single, brief, particularly 'telly' paragraph.

The ending also feels rather artificial, with Celestia's exposition; nobody really talks like that. Also, this bit just doesn't sit well with me:

She glanced towards one of the gray fillies.

Why not go all the way and tell us who exactly did she look at? It just feels like a painfully obvious way to withhold information.

And I'll agree with the other commenters that the Discord bit comes out of the left field and just muddles up the ending.

Overall, the concept is a nice one, and I liked some parts of the writing, but frankly this needs a lot of work.

Note: I haven't given it much thought while reading, but how does this jive with the show canon? Unless this is some kind of an alternate continuity, I'm not sure how easily would it be to reconcile with, say "The Cutie Mark Chronicles."

OK, first I have to admit that I groaned inwardly a bit at the prospect of reading yet another 'post-exile blues' fanfic. Nothing wrong with them per se, but the subject has been so thoroughly exploited over the years (in this very Writeoff as well) that it feels old hat at this point.

I do think the story is competently written, but it feels rather lacking. Apart from the original and clever bits about the calendar and the creation of fellow alicorns, it feels like little more but yet another reminder that 'yup, Celestia's still sad.' A story should go somewhere, but this one just fizzles out in the end; Celestia doesn't change in the end, doesn't make a decision, there's no tension, no real conflict... she just dwells on her past and nothing happens at all. This isn't really a story -- it's not even a scene.

>>CoffeeMinion
...there's an entire name for that kind of stories? The things you learn...

Anyway, I admit that I never saw this punchline coming. It felt like a nice, warm story, good for a chuckle.

...Okay, not sure if I get it. Is the punchline that Figment has begun hearing voices, and he's become certain that he's a changeling and something (THE ALIENS) are communicating with him? This does feel like a functional, suspenseful little tale, but ends somewhat abruptly without really providing a satisfactory payoff.

The lines like

Celestia, I was a fool.

or

I froze, because what else could I do? I was stupid and callow and young and a coward too, I suppose.

feel like foreshadowing, like we're about to learn of some calamity that came about because of the narrator's choices. But nothing like that ever happens, and these lines ring hollow.

OK, so this one might be just an excuse for a bunch of Chuck Norris-style jokes, but I found them funny and enjoyable all the same. Not bad.

The punctuation could use a little fixing, but overall this is an enjoyable story. An interesting look at what would it truly feel like to be abruptly cast into the role of a hero and a protagonist of a slice-of-life show for someone who really has had other plans for their life, and isn't about to get into some wacky shenanigans.

Rainbow Dash hated introspection. It was like a tornado, all crosswinds and updrafts that took perfectly normal, happy thoughts and tried to dash them to smithereens. Not to mention that they both made it impossible to sleep.

Haha, that's a good paragraph; and I agree with >>Ceffyl_Dwr about the Fluttershy bit, too, which was funny and sweet.

>>CoffeeMinion

Seriously? To me this reads -- no offense, Author -- like a trollfic. This isn't meta as much as it's just, well, kind of a silly story. The ending pretty much spells that with firey letters in the sky, and ditto the writing.

I wouldn't say this is meta or particularly clever; this is mostly lolrandom style of comedy. Stuff happens for no reason, and then Twilight was a popsicle. I read it twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and I'm fairly sure there's nothing underneath it all.

I mean, I might be wrong, absolutely, but I think some people are reading too much into this. Less meta storytelling and clever commentary, more 'random tag in Fimfic'. That's absolutely how it reads to me.

I really enjoyed this one. My sole concern is that the ending detracts from the mood; the jump from a tragic death scene of the sweetest character on the show, to a silly vision of a fluffy rabbit guard, is too jarring. I honestly had a hard time resisting laughing upon reading this sentence:

But in the past decade, nothing has struck more fear in the hearts of anypony that would cause harm to Twilight Sparkle than the thought of four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies with a sworn life debt

Actually, a similar thing applies to "Quetzalcoatl eats plums". It feels too silly in the middle of what's otherwise a tense disaster scene (especially given that 'plum' is one of these fruits with funny-sounding names, like kumquat).

This is powerfully written, though, I'll give it that. The problem is that it doesn't quite settle on a consistent mood, but the dramatic and the tragic parts are honestly excellent.

I wonder if this sentence: Rainbow just stared, her face as grave as the stones around her. was meant as a pun or not. It somewhat threw me out because it was both unexpected and unsavoury in this context.

Otherwise, good dialogue, but I’ve not really connected to it. The situation seems contrived and that setup a bit sappy. I definitely concur this is great technically and the characterisation is good, but the plot seemed hokeyed to me.

As a saving grace, it reminds me of Vincent Van Gogh, who (you may not know this) had a deceased older brother named the same, and whose parents often brought to the grave of that brother, who was, in a way, himself.

I must admit that this is way too vague, without giving me much of a chance to grip onto anything to get a steady footing. We get a couple of tantalizing references but nothing really comes out of it, and it's all just abstract enough that I cannot feel for the heroes; just why won't they leave? Why is going through the veil treated akin to suicide? If I found myself in a spooky village separated from the world by an intangible veil, I'd go through it in a heartbeat unless something prevented me. Do the characters know something that indicates that leaving would be a bad or risky idea? This isn't really made clear in the story.

Mmm…
I wonder why Twilight is in vacation so often. Also why she would let her book to Starlight.

Other than that, it’s a rather funny pen pal fic between two ex-vilains. Cute, but not profound.

This was a decent minfic; it could be an excellent short story. Lots to enjoy here, from the origins story of Silver and Diamond's (gotta get that order right) friendship, to the awkward moments of isolation felt by poor Silver as she tries to fit in and makes a hash of it.

So much of its potential is tempered by the restrictions of the round, though: even with occasional reasoning, for example, her classmates come across as overly harsh. Maybe that's the point, but you'd give more depth to Silver's change in perspective if her isolation was a little more subtle and nuanced. And, as has already been stated, that perspective change is both sudden and abrupt.

I enjoyed it though (it is a Silver Spoon fic after all), despite those issues, and would jump into an expanded version no questions asked. Thanks for sharing.

I'll be blunt: the writing here is terribly confusing. Others have commented on the jumbled dream sequence with the awkward 'they'. I get it that you want to keep the POV character's identity a secret in the beginning, but it comes off terribly artificial (and hey, this is MLP, referring to the character as a female wouldn't exactly spoil their identity.) The problem with the dream sequence is that it's ultimately pointless; nothing ever comes out of it, and it's not clear what the "three blurry, dark figures" are or who the "child" is supposed to be.

Even after the dream ends, we get this confusing part:

The child scanned the room, her frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks. Their mind wandered in fear as everything around them was unrecognizable.

“Mom?” a voice came from beside her.

The child looked to the mare standing at her bedside. The mare reached for the child’s hooves and grasped them tightly. A silence developed between the two of them.

OK, at first, it's apparently a child who's just woken up (and for some reason the child's a "she" in the first sentence, but a "they" in the second). But then someone addresses the character as "mom", so I guess that's an adult mare. But then we learn that the mare is standing at "her" (the child's?) bedside, so I guess that it's the child in the bed after all?... You get the idea.

The subsequent dialogue feels weak as well. Having both the filly and Celestia chew out Rainbow Dash for the line

When I was just a filly, I always thought that no matter what I did, nothing really mattered in the end

feels unwarranted; RD is simply saying what she thought back when she was a filly -- she's not declaring that she thinks like this now.

Throughout the scene Rainbow Dash doesn't sound or behave like someone who's dying; she grins casually, smirks, crosses her hooves. In the end, I had the impression that she was fine physically, and she only died because Celestia decided to kill her off.


P.S. Couldn't resist commenting on this line...

Rainbow’s neck departed from her thunderbolt necklace. She placed it in the hooves of her daughter.

Ouch. Now I have a gruesome vision of Rainbow handing her own decapitated head to her daughter. :]

Err I stopped watching the episodes so I don't get the backdrop here.

This is mildly funny, although I can't figure out how an alive Starlight can maintain balance in the position you describe without suffering from immediate cramps.

Rest is splastick Pinkie, described in an apt, but somewhat cardboard-cut way. Cookie-cutter Pinkie.

I thought the end would have been stronger if both of them prepared a surprise event or something. Which they may be doing in the episode you're implicitly referring to, and that I didn't watch. Consequently the end fell flat for me.

This does what it's supposed to do, and it does it well, I think. I particularly enjoy how the gender conventions surrounding "girl talk" and girly matters are flipped onto their head... heads? Heads.

I don't think it's for me, though. Re: horse dicks. Lots and lots of horse dicks. I usually don't go out of my way to read lengthy descriptions of the male urinary process, and I certainly did not enjoy hearing about the problems Filthy Rich has with semen in his vas deferans. That was... uncomfortable.

Strong effort, overall, but it's one that I'm gonna abstain on for this round. Come finals, we'll see.

Also, I think Spoiled un-spoils a little bit over the course of the story, and I found the change abrupt.

Yeah this one rather bounced for me, for much the same reason as others have noticed. Luna comes off as, not serene and detached which might have worked, but thick and oblivious which is a weird line to follow. I spent a few paragraphs expecting the Widow to be Twilight, which would have made Luna an ass (pardon the racial slur) but not stupid as time really would have healed all wounds.

That said, I quite like the concept of an immortal just not quite wrapping their head around death. Kind of the old Greek idea of endless life but with a cost, where despite a perfect body a little of you life is forgotten every year until you reach the point where reincarnation seems logical just because you keep seeing similar faces over and over again. That's a far more tragic story than this one, however, and I think that might be the crux of the problem. The story is trying to be funny, but it's cringe humour when it should be black or even just played straight.

>>Aragon
Interpretations are bound to vary, but yeah, that's how I read it. For what it's worth, my first reading left me pretty cold. And won't I look foolish if it turns out to have indeed been a trollfic. :-P

>>JudgeDeadd
Uhh, y'know, that's what a friend told me anyway. :-P

(No actually I'm pretty sure it's a thing, God help us)

I, unfortunately, fall in line with >>Misternick here.

I've made some allowances for oddball stuff in the past, but this falls outside the bounds of acceptability for me. There really isn't an argument to be made for this being a story or even anything approaching a story.

It's worth a couple chuckles, but that doesn't particularly do it any favors as I feel it misses a bit more than it hits, which is particularly painful when that's all it has going for it. Still, would love to see more of these in the future. MIM was a fun ad campaign.

So... I sort of have a problem with the structure here. The way Dash keeps interrupting actually kinda inclined me to think there was some sort of punchline coming, because, seriously, why the hell is this administrator letting her keep running them over? Like, Dash is a kid here, right?

Beyond that... it's an emotive little piece that I can certainly empathize with, but I feel it sorta lays its cards out too quick. Dash is a poor student, understands it, and mopes about it. There isn't really a struggle or conflict here. This is just about a single emotion. In that way, it falls a bit more on the side of vignette than mini to me.

I'm always bugged a bit by the idea of the Luna myth not being decently well known.

I really like the core ideas here (down to earth Celestia and casual guard interactions are rad), but... I dunno. This doesn't quite click with me and I'm hard-pressed to be able to pin down why. I'll try and come back to this one.

Genre: Mystery

Thoughts: Put me down with >>JudgeDeadd. This is generally strong and I love the sense of foreboding that it builds. The problem is that I don't feel like we're given enough information to be able to put the pieces of the mystery together. Without that, it's sound and fury signifying... I'm not sure what. But I think the foundation here is strong and this would be pretty easy to clean up.

Tier: Almost There

Genre: Mystery Men

Thoughts: Hoo boy. I suppose this is where I have to put my money where my mouth is, considering that I gave Those Who Go Down To The Sea In Ships high marks despite its thin connection to pony. But the thing is... I mean, yeah, that one could've had its sailors swapped for humans and still worked. But they were ponies. "An Effort Was Made," as it were. Plus, if you think about it, having a story about a self-aware ship could work IRL but IMO it takes on an entirely different tone when you're talking about a magical world where said ship could hypothetically actually be self-aware (and... be okay with burning to death? I dunno).

But I digress. Reviewing this story, not that one. :twilightsheepish:

This is a strong story concept, and it's well-executed for the most part. "ADD as superpower" indeed. That's some original stuff. Others have noted that this would be dynamite in an original fiction round, and I have to agree. But can I take this moment to be the contrarian? Before the rules firmed-up I once submitted straight-up Pony stuff in the Original rounds, and it was annoying when the response across the board was basically: "Pony in Original? GTFO!" The response here has been better but I don't just feel comfortable bottom-slating it or abstaining.

Thing is, on the one hand demanding an MLP connection is fair; the rounds are separate for a reason, and it sticks out pretty noticeably to have a non-Pony story in a Pony round, just as the opposite also sticks out. But on the other hand, I hate being the guy sitting there saying that the story failed to do its job when it didn't. Is it really fanfiction? Basically not... I mean, there's a razor-thin connection thrown in at the end, but that's not anywhere near enough to call it MLP fanfic. But does it tackle the prompt and give us a compelling read? I daresay it does. This story has the strongest and most literal prompt-connection that I've seen thus far this round, and if we're going to knock people for not writing to the prompt, I figure it's gotta be worth something to have someone go this far with a prompt every once in a while.

Tier: Almost There

Cute, funny, and clever! This one's definitely going towards the top of my slate.

Gummy's voicing throughout the whole thing is strong and downright interesting, which made engaging with the piece as a whole very easy. And you've managed to sprinkle in a lot of little gems that make the reader feel like this fic was worth the read. But honestly, I will have to parrot some of our other reviewers in that the last line definitely sticks out a tad too much. Leaving us to end things with a prompt drop wasn't the best move, in my opinion, just cause it makes everything that came before it feel like a set-up.

Still, hiccup or not, this was a bunch of fun!

I'll have to reflect Posh's thoughts about the little bit of backstory feeling a tad heavy-handed. But besides this little stumble, I thought the rest of the story was really on-point. The framing metaphor does a great job of introducing the reader to Gilda and Moondancer's relationship, which is another highlight. The way you've got multiple layers of conflict and little resentments make their hurt feel complex and real. It's always a sign of good drama when the reader feels like either party could be in the right.

And before I leave, I had to mention that this is a great bit of imagery:

As Gilda followed her out of the room, she noticed the jagged grin of the crack devour the wet paint.

I have to admit that I've got a bit of a personal bias against dialogue-only stuff, especially in minifics. It often feels to me like a gimmick to save words without any substantial advantages over traditional prose. And while this is competently executed, I can't quite shake off the feeling that it doesn't add anything to the story.

I really love the premise, and I think you're trying to say a lot about each of the characters, which is really commendable within the confines of a minific. But, like other reviewers have mentioned, it's difficult for the reader to orient themselves at the start. And I really couldn't help but feel like I wanted to read this story the way it could have been without the gimmick and word cap. I think it's important to the story that Ms. Cake have a more active role (she is deciding a large part of PInkie's future, after all), so having her present only in implication is a detraction, in my opinion.

Taking into consideration how much I liked the idea of this one and how I've got my own biases going in, I'm still probably going to rate this one at about the mid-tier, but from a purely personal perspective, the execution just didn't hang together for me.

A bit of unfortunate grammar wonkiness to start off with.

Then in the intro, I also thought that they were actually stone statues, which made the manes moving seem really confusing until we get to the time stop bit.

I did enjoy Pinke's bit (and manner) of self-reflection, made better when we hit the reveal. I didn't see it coming, and found it quite amusing.

I didn't notice the earplugs on the first readthrough.

While on reflection, it does seem over the top, as some of the other comments have noted, at least on the initial read, that didn't bother me and I found it quite amusing.

You're a bit inconsistent on whether Boulder is actually silent or not. It's not technically a huge problem, but it is a little annoying.

Otherwise... it is a neat idea, but I actually have a lot of trouble reading this in Maud's voice? The diction doesn't actually seem quite right for it. But I'd have to do a more indepth review of the episodes she's been in and I can't quite do that right now. But yeah, maybe review her conversations a bit if you want to be accurate to voice?

So Boulder's a jerk. Huh, who knew?

I'm going to echo >>AndrewRogue, in that I'm having difficulty reading this scene in Maud's voice. I know the recent episodes featuring her have developed her character somewhat, but this still didn't feel right (at least, not consistently). But a few others approve, and so perhaps this issue might be down to a matter of perspective.

Otherwise this was a nice little scene that, with some polish, could become a solid addition to Maudlore. I await the inevitable 'Maud and Octavia and Vinyl form an unlikely band' expansion story with interest.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Genre: Nopony expects the Sonata Inquisition!

Thoughts: This was enjoyable! I can't give it enough praise overall. That first paragraph has a great hook. But I think >>Fenton makes a keen observation about the Bugbear reference; it pulled me out of the moment and made me question the whole premise. For that reason (and for other episode 100 ties) I almost think a different pair of ponies might work better here. The good news is you wouldn't really have to change much more than the names to recast this. But I'm also with >>Chris in saying that this works regardless.

Tier: Strong

I've ran across this discussion of literally interpreting pony anatomy before, so it was interesting to see it reflected in a story.

Amused by the 'kid persistently asking troublesome questions' theme.

Character voices were generally solid. Since when does Twilight need a flashlight, though? It shouldn't take her minutes to light up her horn.

Trollestia isn't my usual headcanon, but it works with the story. It seems like a lot of effort to go to for a prank, though. Was it specifically them, or has she been putting one over the entire educational system?

Gotta admit that given the setting, 'it's magic' pretty much seems like the most logical explanation.

Pretty much concur with everyone else here. Story is bit bland, and, most of all, the guy (I suppose) is way too unconcerned and ready to accept the situation while he should freak out. Sapient ponies, marooned, etc.

I don't get what the end's supposed to mean? Is Twilight a human flesh eater? Does the other guy have been sacrificed in a hokuspokus voodoo ceremony by a shamanic Twilight? Did he/she turned home? Become Luna’s puppet? I wish I'd know, because otherwise that fells a bit flat.

So yeah. Not a bad story, but too drab to really capture my attention.

Small mistakes here and there, especially this one

“It is indeed,” she said.

where, I suppose, the “she” should be “I”. “Lead” instead of “led” later, and so on.

The story itself is — okay enough I guess? It’s a nice telling of Twilight’s discovery of her future adobe, but somehow it’s fairly tasteless. Neither Celestia’s nor Twilight’s part stand out as remarkable. I mean, you don’t venture outside the trodden paths, and so everything is more or less predictable, which tones down the interest of the story quite a lot. I even wonder why Celestia decides to let Twilight inside just before bedtime and not in the morning.

First person Celestia doesn’t really add any flavour to more conventional third person limited PoV. I feel using 1st person Twilight would’ve been a better choice.

All in all, mid-low tier.

Some sentences are really wordy or heavy-handed:

His once childlike voice now had the auditory resemblance of crunching gravel.

“auditory resemblance”? No kid? “sounded like” is too lowbrow for you? :P
“His voice had grown raucous/hoarse/raspy/gravelly/…”

Anyway. I concur with all the others in saying that the characterisation is solid and the scene has a definite emotional impact. It might be a bit campy, especially when it comes to describing Spike’s eyes, and I'm still scratching my head as to why it belongs to him to carry out this mission. I understand no one else is ballsy enough to tell Twilight she's an utter jerk, but the choice of Spike caught me a lot off-kilter.

Finally, as often in minifics, I would say that Twilight turnabout decision is too abrupt to be 100% realistic, but it's clear you bumped your pen into the wall. Maybe with another handful of 250 words the ending would’ve been more satisfactory.

Overall, though, clearly top third in my slate. Welcome to the finals.

I'll make the pair with >>Monokeras on this one and, therefore, abstain too. I still got some of the puns though, and they were delicious.

I hadn't got the tone with the first paragraph and I was already thinking about raising the fact that Twilight didn't snap at Trixie, but once I got it, I didn't know if it was really worth mentionning it. Well I still did, use it or don't if you expand this for FimFic (and I agree with >>Chris's suggestion for the bonus chapter).

Weak hook. Very wordy and not punchy enough.

Mmpf. The first scene is lengthy, awkwardly phrased and doesn't amount to much. Then we get to the nub of the story, i.e. Fluttershy’s died. It’s like it took ages for the tower to fall, so much time she could gather all the bunnies (but what the heck those were doing there? It's not Fluttershy’s cottage which is attacked!) but not enough to scoot off. Weird.

As for the end… Okay. I suppose it's hit or miss. For me, it was a miss. I almost face-palmed.

Sorry, author, but this one didn’t work for me at all.

This is a really solid minific. The shipping works because we're inside Applejack's head, we know why she feels this attraction. The only thing I think is missing is why she chooses not to. I mean it's there a little, but it's not built up nearly as vividly as the first half. Her rationale seems kinda vague, maybe cliche.

It avoids the usual pitfall of "why are they kissing?" but instead steers into "hurry up and kiss already!"

There's so much I enjoy here. Fluttershy is adorable. Rainbow's jealousy is cute. Applejack's interactions between the two connects it all into an interesting dynamic. (by process of elimination, I assume Pinkie and Rarity see nothing wrong with their newfound attention) This is the kind of characterization that hooks me and makes me want to keep reading, no matter how long the rest of the story!

But I was still a little let down at the end. It's almost a complete story, but didn't quite seal the deal. It's like, here's an explanation for what's going on behind the scenes. That's all, not much changed or progressed. Doesn't need to be a big epic change of course, just enough for a scene of this length to feel weighty. That this meeting together accomplished something for the trio, not merely an excuse for them to express out loud how they feel. They were probably gonna wait it out and tolerate this new Twilight girl anyway. For example: Rainbow vents her frustration, but it doesn't feel like her opinion was changed, or she was talked out of doing something rash. Something like that is what I want to see.

Great story, with worldbuilding smoothly introduced without shoving it into our throat. A very pleasant reading.
I have nothing much to add and I'll lasily echo what the others have already said.

Just so you know, you are 2nd at the moment. Thank you for your entry.

The descriptions of Lyra's pain and suffering are great. I really like this bit:

Was her head going to explode like a pumpkin stuffed with lit fireworks? It felt like it. The sound of its nasally voice clawed at the back of her eyes as she looked behind him toward the window and into the night sky. She hoped for a miracle.

Unfortunately, this is about the only truly well-done thing in the fic. I think the basic idea, of a pony getting confused/weirded out by creepy stereotypical bronies, is old hat at this point; and the story doesn't do anything more interesting with it, or put any original spin on it. Though I wish I could rank this higher because any story that skewers the Lyra/Bon-Bon ship gets bonus points in my book :]

A simple interpretation of the prompt, but framed in a neat premise and excellent execution. Personally, I felt it apparent who the PoV character was from the second paragraph, so I didn't share that thrill, but it also didn't detract the from the experience in any way.

Got a bit cluttered for my tastes towards the end, when compared to the earlier stages of the story, but I really loved the closing lines (and how that phrase served as the spine of the story).

Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.

My thoughts are almost entirely aligned with those of >>Light_Striker; I enjoy my puns, but the overall construction became a bit much for me. That's largely personal preference though; there is no denying that it's a solidly written story, though perhaps it would have had more space to breathe in a short story round.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Hello everypony, hum, Fenton has an announcement to make, so please, listen to him and spray the words because everypony might not hear it.

Thank you very much Fluttershy.
Okay fellow writeoffers, I've got some good and bad news. The bad news is that Quill and Not_A_Hat are going to very busy this weekend and thus, they won't be able to organise the podcast. I know, it's sad. BE SAD!!
The good news is that your humble servant, with the podcasters' consent, has decided to air a podcast this Saturday. Rejoyce, you will be able to listen to a French guy trying to speak English. Sounds fun, right?
The podcast should have the same form as it has always had, but for that, I need YOU to participate. If I'm the only one talking, what would be the point? That's why I invite everyone willing to talk to send me a message on Discord or on FimFic (same username). It will be a chance for you to become infamous among the Writeoff community!
(There won't be any recording)

So gather and go vote on this strawpoll to let us now which stories should be discussed.

The podcast will be aired this Saturday, 13/05/2017 at 10 pm GMT+2 (French hour), 8pm GMT.

Venez nombreux!

Of all the entries I've read so far, I'm most impressed by how this one used and inverted the prompt. The last few lines felt more emotional and poignant with the meaning of the prompt in mind, and I might not have felt that way if I'd encountered this story on its own somewhere else.

>>Xepher
I suppose you mean “hurt” physically and emotionally because otherwise I don’t see what you’re talking about.

Well that was… disjointed. I’m not even sure I found it funny. Just plain boring. I suppose I’m too old to enjoy this, pony or not pony: superheroes thingies just make me shrug.

I'm with >>JudgeDeadd here. Pretty nice take on the prompt, clever use of Orwell’s references throughout the text, but the end feels weak and spoils the rest.

Overall, I'm still more more amused by this one than by Bliss of Ignorance.

Halfway through, I wondered if the opening meant it was leading up to a GOTCHA ending, where they're not really talking about that but something else sillier. I would be so mad if my fear turned out true, because it was so genuinely lovely and serious, and I cared so much about them within that short span of words. So I was very relieved at the end that it didn't do this for irony.

All the same, the last few lines..... I don't get it? I know what what they refer to, but how does it wrap everything up? I'm not criticizing this as a flaw, I truthfully think I'm missing something, so maybe someone else can explain it to me. Because I loved every bit of this fic, just at the end my frequency gets staticky.

Elegantly written, of that there can be no doubt. You've built a strong atmosphere and there are some nice moments. I do enjoy subtle stories, but I have to be honest in that I really struggled to find a way to break through and interpret this one. As a result, the moments that (I presume) were poignant and emotional were a little lost to me, and I didn't quite find myself engaging with it as a result. A solid, aesthetically pleasing story, and one that clearly embraced the prompt, but the overall vagueness left me cold towards the content. It's going to be one of those stories that I look forward to reading the retrospective of however, should you feel the need or desire to write one.

Thanks for sharing your work.

The section with Discord should come earlier, before Celestia's explanations.

maybe. in my opinion. I can't say why just yet.

I like the story, but noticed two problems which were related.

The primary problem is that the story lacks sufficient support to convince me that Maud has these inner demons. I can't buy Maud's self-condemnation here. Her character hasn't shown anything like self-doubt, so you need to provide context that will make it seem more realistic. It felt out-of-character for her, partly because Maud performs stand-up comedy (and heckling), as well as poetry readings. Neither of these contribute toward her degree, and both require a lot of confidence. She's autistic, but very stubborn and assertive. She's never shown any signs of self-doubt in canon, and one of the strongest things about her character is that she's honest and direct. The only thing she has seemed to wrestle with so far has been her relationship with Starlight Glimmer, mostly because that sort of friendship is new territory for her.

The second problem is the amount of tell, and the fact that the telliness is exaggerated for her understated character. Maud's emotional paucity is actually a great tool for show, because subtle changes on the surface mean a big struggle beneath. Rather than telling us her feelings from Maud's perspective, try showing things whenever possible. A slight frown or tension in her face convinces me much better than telling me she feels shame. A flashback is more illustrative than a memory. Et cetera.

I think you can make this work, but it needs a little more to make it seem real and on-character.

Also: I don't get the title.

On the one hand, I must admit this is decently written.

On the other, armored battle bunnies right alongside death and sadness. The juxtaposition is just too much for me to take this story seriously. If the story was in a comedy setting, I'd wholeheartedly accept the idea of a bunny guard, but it's not, and so I'm left in a state of annoyance more than anything.

Buuut that's just me. I'm sure some people out there will consider this the best thing ever.

>>Monokeras

Unfortunately, if you accidentally hit the tab key, you'll prematurely post what you're working on.

I'd prefer it if tab were disabled in the text panes (or if it actually tabbed, or did anything other than automatically shift focus to the Post comment button).

>>Fenton
D'oh! I'm more interested in this one than usual, and of course there's a 90% chance I'll be spending the weekend at my parents' place for the sake of Mother's Day, which means I almost certainly won't be able to watch, much less take part.

What for you make Paul sad?

Oh, wait, I guess you wanted me to be. Alright then.

>>Trick_Question
Well I deleted my previous post which had no reason to exist anymore.

I can think of some ways this could've been more ambitious as a story, but eh. What I got was funny enough by itself. I liked how a lot of them are specific to Equestria.

reading-too-much-into-it-time: the prompt relevance is that you should ignore advertising like this.
or maybe, it's about an annoying mary-sue OC who's perfect at everything, and if we just ignore her she'll go away. and become an alcoholic

I'm with >>Monokeras on this one. There was nothing here to hold my attention. Maybe if it had involved Twilight staying up after Celestia left to peruse the library? That would have at least made this more interesting.

I'm also confused as to why Twilight thought Celestia was making fun of her. There's nothing in what Celestia said to suggest it, so Twilight's reaction seems to come from nowhere. I imagine a more apt response would be awe at the historic nature of the place, which seems much more 'Twilight' even if she hasn't developed her squealing fan status of Starswirl yet.

You stole the name of one of my Writeoff (and now Fimfiction) stories! :ajbemused:

Ahem. :twilightsheepish: Okay, serious review time.

First off, this story is not currently a story about Twilight. It's a story about Applejack and her unique perspective. Almost all of the story focuses specifically on Applejack's thoughts and feelings. The story even includes a narrated flashback from Applejack's childhood from right after the death of her parents. But the ending has nothing to do with Applejack. You basically put a carrot in front of us but it doesn't lead anywhere, and the story feels incomplete as a result. You need to choose what you want to say with this story: either make the story about Applejack and have the ending support that, or make it about issues related her friendship with Twilight, or make it about Twilight's feelings rather than Applejack's—and currently the story is not about that last one. I expected the story to provide some insight into Applejack's feelings at the end: information about why she feels the way she feels about this particular subject. Is she attracted to Twilight? Has she experienced this thing herself before? Is it related in her mind to her parents because it's a family issue, and how does that play out? And why did Twilight come to her?

About the current ending: that ending line makes it seem like it's an intentional reveal, but the subject is obvious by the fourth paragraph. If you're trying to keep the subject a secret, you need to be way more subtle than this. I'm not sure keeping it a secret matters, though, so the ending line isn't really a good thing to end on anyway. The ending gives us no information about Twilight's predicament (and you should say "filly" instead of "girl" at the end because it's more adorbs that way). Was this not something she wanted? Why did it happen? Who is the pony responsible? You assume the reader knows what you're thinking but it isn't obvious, and the big questions are never broached.

The show/tell here is complex, because this story is from AJ's perspective and in some cases the tell is necessary because the information is vital and there's no way to show it, like Applejack having to "fight off the odd sensation that she had been the one asking for help".

Her brain was already firing every which way, and she couldn’t begin to imagine how Twilight was feeling.

This is pure tell, and in this case it isn't necessary (plus it reveals the plot too much, above). Even though the story is primarily about Applejack's mindset, don't tell us what Applejack's brain is doing or what she can't imagine if there's a way to show us instead. In this case you could show us what's going on upstairs by describing how she looks and acts. Don't abandon showing entirely just because you need to lean on telling in most of the story. The show parts become even more valuable in this case.

Applejack hadn't hugged very many pegasi

I don't believe you. Applejack hugs pegasi mares on the show. I suspect you're writing this to make the hug seem awkward, or perhaps to develop AJ's character by implying that intimacy is foreign to her. A different approach might be to say something like, "hugging other mares sometimes felt awkward to Applejack, and Twilight's large wings made it a challenge". Or better still, focus more on why this specific hug was awkward, because that's what you're trying to say here.

"...warm day in Tartarus" is clever. Initially it felt wrong to me, though, because I could have sworn I'd seen lava in the caverns before. I hadn't, but Tirek's and Cerberus's color schemes and the cavernous terrain both evoke 'hellish'. The dirt and rocks being cool later on reinforces this headcanon, although 'center of the earth' doesn't make a lot of sense even if the world is round. It would be the 'world' center, not the 'earth' center. (Additionally, the show does have volcanoes, which contradict what you're going for a little—but I still like it.)

Finally, a nitpick based solely on my bias: you switch between saidisms styles, writing "said Applejack" in one place, but "Applejack said" or "Applejack continued" in another. Maybe that's okay for some authors, but I try not to do it. I prefer sticking with the former because it helps me prevent saidisms, since most saidisms feel more awkward in that order. The only time I want to use the latter style is when the saidism is part of a complex action or something similar. Also, direct questions seem more natural with 'asked' than 'said' to me; 'said' makes it seem like the question is routine, or unimportant, or rhetorical. That's not the case here. But again, this is just my bias. I offer it to draw your attention to it if you didn't realize you were doing it.

EDIT: It's also out of character for Twilight to be caught by surprise on something like this. I could see pretty much anypony else, but not her.

Hmmm… Prosopopoeia.

Nicely rendered. Lush prose. I by no means love the sea or sailboats (I'm a mountaineer), so the emotional load was scant, and I agree it would've been better off in an OF round.

But once again, this is a stupendous piece of prose, and kudos for that, author.

Probably better consumed with Enya’s music.

Twilight had noticed a pattern.

This sentence tells the audience nothing we can't infer from the dialogue.

...wait.

I think it's another pun. It's not a good one, though, because it's far too subtle. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been knickerpicking. (It might work if you put the noticing closer to the description of the pattern, or explicitly, "while looking down at Trixie's striped pants, Twilight realized there was a pattern" or something.)

I think Twilight would be immediately suspicious of forepants. Those don't exist in the show. Forelegs are where a blouse or shirt would go; never pants (although shoes and socks are fine there). Having Twilight say something like, "Huh. I've never seen forepants before.", and maybe some visuals that make it look like Trixie's crotch is at her chest could be evocative.

...she’d tried to model a particularly outré pair of Saddle Arabian pantaloons, of purple and orange silk...

Twilight is trying to get information about what happened, but I don't think it's realistic she'd ask about the color. It's irrelevant to the problem she's trying to solve. The material and origin, those are believable.

...panted Trixie.

This immediately raises my ranking of this story.

Wait a moment. Why can Twilight now understand Pantlish? That contradicts all the previous text. You need a sentence to support this somehow.

It should be "breach", unless you're trying to overkill the pun.

I have no idea what the ending pun is supposed to be. Short shrift? That's way too much of a stretch (pants), and isn't pants-related either, so that can't be it. I'm pants confused. Pants pants. Pants! (Pants.)

>>Monokeras

:trixieshiftleft:

>>Trick_Question
:trixieInABarrelShifter:?

This is cute, but the ending is kind of meh. I'd like to learn something new, like forming an understanding of how the experience the changeling described shaped them psychosocially.

I see the title and all I can think of is Carabas' Moonlight Palaver. Curious that the story is nothing like it.

I'm not going to repeat what everyone has already said. I'll just limit this to noting that this story is confusing in a wide range of ways and seems to be struggling with its messages. I mostly came away with a 'meh' feeling, I'm sorry to say.

Hm. Whilst I think that the ambition of this story could be realised in minific form, I'm not quite convinced that it's there yet. Part of that problem, for me, is that the story appears to switch the source of conflict halfway through; for most of the fic it's about Fluttershy and the bully. Then it's about Fluttershy feeling as though she's never going to make any friends. It's only the latter part of the story that's resolved in the conclusion, and it does give the story an impression of being more tightly constrained than it needed to be. Perhaps just focusing on her inability to make friends or her overcoming the bully, would have helped focus and give the story a better sense of space.

Pretty cute premise, mind. I enjoyed Fluttershy's outburst; I thought that moment was actually quite powerful, and you have some nice observational lines. The rest of it didn't hit home on a consistent basis, and the conclusion somewhat abrupt, but I think there is a strong foundation in place. You just need to give it stronger focus.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Is this referenced ad a regional thing? I'm not even sure I understand the context for this, let alone the content. I'll have to abstain, I'm afraid.

Thanks for sharing your work.

I love it. I love the characterisation and I love the deft execution of the prompt. I particularly love the ambiguity of the ending. It's all spot on, and it's now sitting pretty at the top of my slate.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Love it.

I'm running short on time to comment on each story, so I'll try to add some value(?) briefly. It's a solid execution of the prompt with worldbuilding that doesn't take centre stage, and characterisation that feels both true and alive. I did find myself agreeing with the comments concerning the plot made by >>Misternick, but this was nevertheless very enjoyable. You've done exceptionally well fitting all this into the word limit.

Thanks for sharing your work.

This is an absolute beauty.

This is another case of "the ending is unrelated to the rest of the story". The ending is interesting, though completely out of character, since Twilight has no reason to kill the fly when she can carry it outside or teleport it away. The story about Spike being annoyed is less interesting.

Its the size of its thorax and abdomen was large and they bulged a bit, like a bumblebee but not as furry and arguably less useful to equine society. The fly's compound eyes glared at him as though the room were its domain.

You need some proofreading. The telliness is okay due to what you're using it for, but it shouldn't be a mixture of Spike's and fly's perspective: choose one.

I'm not sure I can share the enthusiasm of the comments that have already been made here. I was surprised to find that I didn't find the role reversal aspect overly engaging, and Gummi's musings became tired quite quickly. I can't quite put my finger on exactly why it felt that way, which is really annoying as I would want to at least try and offer something more constructive. I'll be sure to give it some more thought.

Then again, maybe it's personal bias... I was never a fan of that original skit in the first place.

Don't let my opinion take anything away from the fact that this is solid execution and a clever premise though. I'll have plenty of time to think on that earlier critique, as this will no doubt make finals.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Flutty? That sounds like a combination of Fatty (or Flatty) and Slutty. I think "Shy", or maybe "Flutter" (or even "Flutters") would be better. Or better yet, a pet name based on an animal.

You really need a section break before she spits back. I thought she was attacking her mother out of nowhere. I think I understand that you're going for abrupt transitions from lecture to experience and back again, but I feel it still needs the breaks.

Pulling Fluttershy away from other foals is a terrible idea. It teaches her to run from her problems rather than face them, and she won't develop her social skills. And all because one pony teases her lightly? It isn't a rational decision. I'm left bewildered and angry with her parents and teacher.

The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale.

Is there some sort of cloud-crocodile, and the foals are fleeing it? I'm going to take a wild guess that crocodile is a euphamism for something, but I've never heard this in American English.

The ending of the story is too abrupt. If you want to introduce Dash, you need more than a hoofful of sentences to develop her character. It just seems random and forced. But they're fleeing a crocodile, so maybe it makes sense.

>>Ceffyl_Dwr

Thank you for sharing your work.

That feel when you realize they say that to every author, not just you. :raritydespair:

:trollestia:

Genre: (lol edit left this blank)

Thoughts: I've probably run out of Writeoff time prior to finals (which I kinda don't think I'm going to make atm) but I wanted to throw out some praise for this story. On the one hand it feels brutally chopped down due to all the scene breaks; I'm guessing the initial draft of this was probably two to four times as long. But I've seen (and perpetrated) plenty of stories that didn't really survive that chopping process... and this one does. It retains its essence and appeal despite being ambitious and conveying that sense of having been cut to fit.

So the one unanswered question for me is, whose thought-form is she? Maud is the too-obvious choice. Whereas Marble never gets mentioned by name but I think it would be a cool twist if that's how she got a "twin."

Tier: Strong

I've really been spoiled by all the bookends this round. This is the fourth fic or so to have them (that I've read, anyway), and these ones are particularly fabulous. And the story itself is beautifully written and full atmospheric imagery to boot. I think that the voice of the ship grants a degree of transference; I didn't have a problem becoming emotionally invested with it, and the fic carries a lot of poignancy and gravity for such a short piece. If this was an OF round then it would be top of my slate. As it isn't, I have to be consistent with my approach to fics that appear to skirt around edges of the pony universe. I think you do just enough to carry you through, and the quality of the prose will probably help out if not.

Thanks for sharing your work,

I thought this was a pretty cute story. I quite liked the characterisation of both characters, and both the statement Celestial makes about Twilight and Clover, and the part where she tucks Twilight in, are heartwarming and potent in equal measure. I feel like more of the ending needed to be unpacked in order to give the story more purpose and direction, but I still enjoyed this one.

Thanks for sharing your work.

>>Trick_Question

Thank you in particular!

How's that? :gabbycheer:

I like the story, but it has one huge flaw. As written here, it's solid tell.

Making it first-pony perspective would be an easy way to make it less telly. Show us her exact internal thoughts directly, rather than qualifying them for the reader with prefaces like, "What she had issues with was...". Let the reader figure out some things for themself.

Some of this can be fixed even if you don't take it first-pony: you hardly use any descriptions of Rarity's appearance and actions at all. We get an audible sigh (as opposed to an 'inaudible sigh'...?) and that's pretty much all we get to see. What does her face look like? What does her posture look like? Does she lean over the edge of the balcony? Use horse words to show us, and let the reader infer what she's feeling. Don't hold the reader's hoof. You can even show more from her perspective like this, because things not obvious will be obvious to her (like swallowing, or physical sensations).

a hounded lit windows

I have no idea what... oh! Hundred. Derp. Nevermind. :derpytongue2:

>>Ceffyl_Dwr

:pinkiesad2: Awww! :dashkiss:

I was disappointed that we didn't hear more of Celestia's internal voice, because it would be less telly than the narration is. Another approach might be to have this be a letter from Celestia to Luna (that she can't send). The telliness isn't too distracting, but it could be improved upon.

Oh wow. This really sounds like you're hinting at princest, and you probably aren't intending that. Part of that stems from the wording you chose: "create an alicorn". It sounds like you're saying that Luna and Celestia wished to conceive together, but even Star Swirl was unable to help them do it, which implies the first spoilertext.

If you do mean to send that message (hot), you need to provide more depth on the relationship and how it may have led to Nightmare Moon.

Picky stuff: four emdashes in two paragraphs feels like too many emdashes to me, and I don't think there should normally be spaces around emdashes (the long dash itself acts as the separator).

EDIT: I'm gonna rank this one high for "reasons". :twilightblush:

I loved this story up until the ending, and then I hated it. It goes from clever and dramatic and interesting to very silly and dumb. I wish you had stayed serious. This is too interesting and emotional of an idea piece to waste on this kind of eye-rolling comedy. Currently it feels like two stories to me, and I don't like the second one at all.

I like the sound of the proverbs, but when I try to unravel their meaning wuffy head bang ow. So I'm not sure they're clear enough.

Along deserted corridors she strode, where in eerie silence the flickering light of torches fought to dispel the smothering darkness, down several flights of seemingly endless marmoreal stairs and past colossal gates of diamond and steel, until she arrived in front of a grating which barred the entrance to a tenebrous vault.

This sentence, with all its elaborate vocabulary, feels unfitting and incongruous in an otherwise normally-written story.

Anyway, my impression is... sorta meh. I feel the story doesn't really develop in an interesting enough direction; the entire bit about the musk and the bedsheets sounded like it had promise, but then got apparently forgotten by the time of the ending.

You need a "Twilight said" (though I prefer 'said Pony') on the penultimate line, because the speaker gets confusing on the next line and you don't want to leave any ambiguity there.