I really like the connection you draw between the crack in the wall and the relationship--if anything, you can do even more with that. And on the subject of doing more: probably the most interesting idea here is Gilda's resentment over being taught what it means to be a griffon by a pony. That's a strong idea that's both ripe for building on, has plenty of contemporary relevance, and can give your story more of a sense of weight than "broken relationship" alone has. In general, interspecies relationship stories (heck, even inter-pony-species relationship stories) benefit from a sense of how being born/growing up/living as a ___ is different from as a ___. You've got all the building blocks for that laid out clearly; my only advice to you is to build those block towers even higher, once the wordlimit stops constraining you.

This is powerful. Enough so that I needed to just say that before being able to put my more detailed thoughts into comment yet. I'll try to do that later.

Gilda/Moondancer? That's about as likely a pairing as Star Swirl/Vinyl. Sheesh.

The sheer randomness of the pairing aside (I think the story does enough to justify them pairing up; Sweaterhorse was working on an ethnography and ended up "going native," so to speak), this is a compelling look at the way a relationship falls apart. The metaphor of the stress crack is a little on the nose, though, and the dialogue gets unnaturally expository in one instance:

“Remember when I first arrived? Back when you let me live out of your spare room so I could study? We worked so hard to help each other feel comfortable—nothing was ever too much, you know?”

Like, the rest of the dialogue feels great, so smooth and natural, and then we get to this line, and it's like... like choking on a bone whilst devouring a well-boned fish. The rest of the fish was great, but that one bone, it kinda sticks in my throat.

I had fish for dinner.

Also, I don't think beaks are capable of smooches, but that's a problem with series lore, not with this story.

Oh, the voices of Gilda and Moon Dancer are perfect here. (I usually spell it "Moondancer", but Wikia points out that canon is inconsistent here.) "Boreas' blood", yes. Some really nice uses of simile too:

Moon Dancer’s protest collapsed into a sigh. Silence draped itself like a second skin across the room.

The barbs they sling at each other are very realistic for the emotions displayed, and the tension of wanting things to be okay again and not being sure how to make it happen. Gilda's brash nature showing through hard and physically at times when she's lingeringly upset. It's all just got so much flavor. The whole story tastes like a good curry. One with enough peppers. And chicken. And ginger.

Sorry, that went a bit of a weird place there.

The main possible crack in this one (sorry) seems to me to be how Gilda's current motivation relates to their history: if she was supportive of Moon Dancer's work before, what happened to make that a point of contention? Has Gilda been secretly resentful the whole time? Is it the way the work is being used now that's suddenly drawing her ire (surely that celebration was anticipable)? Or is it just a sudden change of opinion after heated emotions during the implied recent fight which was over something else? Whatever that key point is, I didn't catch it in the story.

The pairing is slightly out of left field, but I find it easy enough to imagine the justification, just not "immediately obvious"-tier (which is probably a good thing in itself). Especially in this context, given the way Moon Dancer's less-social personality could mesh with the griffons.

Expanding on the idea of "when a pony gets to tell all of Griffonkind about their own history" would be high-risk/high-reward in author (and reader) competency and also very interesting if done well (see above re: peppers). There's a lot of ways to write the rest of the backstory of Moon Dancer's research and in what ways it might be helping or harming the ponies and the griffons each, and of course where it winds up going from here. If you keep up the level of emotional fluidity and realism throughout the rest, you could make something rich and long out of this.

The analogy with the crack in the wall is handled more than smoothly enough to work, I think. Prompt interpretation is straightforward and well-executed. Generally awesome.

Some textual problems that stood out:

and the fabric of her marefriend’s poncho fluttered desperately against her feathers

Some ambiguous antecedents here.

“I still have nightmares about ‘No Fish Friday’s,” she replied.

I think that should use the name; the antecedent is too ambiguous. The nested quotation marks are a little bit awkward to read due to the collision with the apostrophe, but I don't know right away how to fix that here.

after all, you obviously never let yourself to become a passenger

"let [noun] [verb]" doesn't take a "to" before the verb, and I'm not sure what the latter phrase means (if it's meant to refer to Gilda's avian side, then, uh, I still don't know what it means in this context).

I've usually seen it spelled "gimme" rather than "gimmie", but that's arguable (but it was a little distracting).

I'll have to reflect Posh's thoughts about the little bit of backstory feeling a tad heavy-handed. But besides this little stumble, I thought the rest of the story was really on-point. The framing metaphor does a great job of introducing the reader to Gilda and Moondancer's relationship, which is another highlight. The way you've got multiple layers of conflict and little resentments make their hurt feel complex and real. It's always a sign of good drama when the reader feels like either party could be in the right.

And before I leave, I had to mention that this is a great bit of imagery:

As Gilda followed her out of the room, she noticed the jagged grin of the crack devour the wet paint.

Last review. Phew.

You've already had some pretty extensive feedback here, and so there's not much more I think I can add. I didn't notice it during the first read through, but now that it has been pointed out I would have to agree that the backstory could have done with a touch lighter hand. Part of me also wonders whether you've crammed just a tad too many layers of emotional conflict for a piece of this length, and that might have allowed for the backstory to have been developed in a lighter manner. But the framing and the imagery and the characterisation are all on point and there's a lot of potential to expand on this even further. Nice drama, thanks for sharing your work.

Not a whole lot to add that others already haven't said.

Good imagery here, 'silence draped itself across the room like a second skin'. I'll agree that it built off the prompt very nicely, and the metaphor worked for me. There were occasional bits that didn't jive, like strokes 'battering' the wall, and that particular ship feels like it's out of left field.

Still, the pros easily outweigh the cons here.

Damn, this is good. Very well written throughout, and I'm having a hard time finding any flaws to point out. I see things I would change, but... it would only make it different, not better. Enough others have praised the good parts that I'll save myself the time writing those as well. Suffice to say, I really liked this one!

This was a very good emotional piece; I thought you captured the dynamics of a relationship very well, and it's a very interesting idea and pairing.

It is kind of jarring for me, though, to see an unusual couple like that, as well as the fact that Moondancer moved to Griffonstone, right at the very start of the story; while it's explained later in the text, I was kind of knocked off kilter for a bit while I got myself used to the idea.

I'm also having a hard time figuring out how the story follows the prompt. What thing about Gilda/Moondancer's relationship have the two of them been ignoring to the point that it turns into the confrontation we see here?

Anyway, this is a great seed for a larger story with an interesting and unique premise.

Thanks for sharing!

So. This piece. I found this one very difficult to critique, and kept second guessing how I felt about it and what I wanted to say about it, and couldn't figure out why until a few hours ago. The cause was simple, once I realized it: this reads very close to my own writing style. The strengths I saw in it were similar to my own (perceived, citation needed) strengths , which I tend to take for granted ("well, of course it does intricate metaphorical emotional filigree and body language framing, that's simple stuff!") and similarly, some of the weaknesses I spotted were ones I often catch in my own work and tear my hair out going "AGH, NO, BAD, STOP THAT!" Not that this is very useful information to anyone else, but try and bear it in mind for the following if it sounds overly harsh.

“Gilda, are you in here? I’m ready—”

Moon Dancer froze in the doorway of the empty room, her lower lip pressed between her teeth. “You’re... not ready.”

Gilda turned away from her marefriend’s crestfallen expression. Her nostrils stung and her feathers felt tight and heavy; Gilda guessed that it wasn’t just from the wet paint clinging to her.

On my first read through this intro, I felt lost. Couldn't tell what was going on for the life of me! There was a paragraph break after the first line, so that implies the speaker changed, right? So why is Gilda saying Moon Dancer isn't ready? What are they getting ready for? What's the subject of Gilda's guess, her feathers or the crestfallen expression? Who has paint on them and why? Skimming down a bit further, I see racial/native culture tensions invoked, so is this face/body paint on one or both of them in preparation for some event? Gilda wants to "get a study done:" is this a room she's painting, or an academic study related to the cultural stuff?

You get the idea. It turns out the actual context of the scene is Gilda painting a crack in the wall of a room, but that doesn't become clear until halfway through the piece, or the very end of it, depending on how much of the reader's attention is stolen by the emotional argument going on. Even now, I still don't know what celebration they're getting ready for, or how pony cultural/historical appropriation factors into anything here. Perhaps this is referencing an episode of the show I'm unfamiliar with (my FIM fandom power level is very low relative to most of the crowd here) but a clearer explanation in the text would be welcome regardless.

That ties into a few other issues I have with the piece. Perhaps the best way to sum it up would be to say that it's attempting to beat the wordcount limit by invoking multiple issues and events, rather than doing the work of evoking them in the actual text presented. Like a demoscene project that advertises a full first person shooter with amazing graphics, music and gameplay, all in only a 64 kb file!*
* Requires Adobe Silverlight, Visual Basic Runtime Environment, Unity 3D Player, three different versions of Microsoft .NET Framework, RPGMaker 2003 RTP, nVidia Experience and HP Printer Spool Service to all be installed; total downloads 6.9 GB

The celebration they're going to, the ponies telling griffons about their own history, Moon Dancer deciding she knows everything, these are all unadvertised additional downloads for this piece. It references a ton of past events, both explicitly and implicitly, and asks the reader to buy into all these things having taken place, in exactly this way and this tone, and will you pretty please accept that setup in order to create this particular emotional atmosphere?

This isn't an inherently bad thing. Some of it's unavoidable in mini form, you have to let the reader make some assumptions about the characters and their relationship. Arguably, it's even more realistic this way, in terms of conveying that the characters have a real relationship with years of history and interaction behind it.

But... the ratio of invoked emotion from the assumed backstory events, compared to the evoked emotion from what this argument right now, these events on the page here, are doing, is too high for my taste. This particular incident, this fight in the here and now, doesn't do much for me. They're upset because of things in their past, then they make up again because they remember in their past, and the present doesn't end up contributing.

Moon Dancer’s snort was half mirth, half frustration. But her eyes still looked as though they were desperately seeking safe harbour. A chill settled across Gilda’s feathers—all of that anger and malicious satisfaction pushed aside as Moon Dancer silently pressed her question. She wondered what those three years would count for if talking brought up things that couldn’t be resolved. Her marefriend’s heat and softness became suddenly intangible objects—things that could soon float away and never again found, leaving an empty room and the promise of what might have been.

This paragraph is the fulcrum of the piece, not just the crux but the entirety of the true present action. Distilled: Gilda gets scared that if she voices her true dissatisfactions, they'll be unresolvable, Moon Dancer will leave and she'll lose her three year investment in their relationship, so she decides to ignore it and hope it will go away.

It's pretty good, honestly, if the sheer size of this rambling commentary hasn't given it away! Strong use of the prompt. But that first part where Gilda's scared of bringing up issues that can't be resolved, that's a weakness. I'd like to see more there on what exactly can't be resolved and why. That's the part I can't bring myself to buy into - truly irreconcilable differences in their relationship aren't something that I can just accept exist from some vaguely referenced backstory.

Also, that line about pony/griffon race relations doesn't sit well with me. The reason I say that is because of the context of where we are and what we're doing. This is a minific contest pitched to FIM fans, who can be assumed to trend liberal and sensitive to cultural and social issues because that's how the show itself trends, and furthermore this contest has a clearly observable trend of pieces referencing social issues garnering high placements. So when I see that issue brought up in one line, and then dropped, in a piece that's already trying to get a lot of emotional affect via invocation shortcutting... it looks like this is another shortcut to get some more emotional affect.

#realtalk version: when I read that line, it doesn't come off as an issue being treated with sensitivity and gravity, it comes off to me as "Oh, the author tossed that in to get some easy upvotes. Ew." Note that I'm not saying that's actually the case, there's a high chance it isn't, but that's how the optics look because if someone was of a mind to try and make that play, that'd be exactly the way to do it.

It could be fixed in either direction: either cut the line, or expand on it a bit, show when and how it happens, and how it influences the characters. Good opportunity to illustrate some irreconcilable differences, too, just give us some example of Moon Dancer actually doing it. As it stands it's not even clear if Gilda is referring to her, or just angry about whatever celebration this is, or what.

Okay, this has gone on way too long and way too rambly, and I didn't even really speak much about the good parts. Sorry about that! They're there! Great use of language, great characterization, a structure that exists (although is somewhat lopsided and I think doesn't reallllly fit the mini format). Overall a fairly strong piece, but with a couple of, heh, structural issues. So editing in some takeaways:
- Clean up the setting and provide some more concrete detail so the reader can be firm in what's going on
- Shift more emphasis to the present action rather than the past
- Illustrate a few of the most important details rather than invoking a horde of them
- If you're gonna put in racism or other serious social issues, think very hard about what you're doing and do it seriously and properly or not at all

Thank you for writing, and for bearing with reading this terrible critique!

Read it.
After Ranmilla’s comment, I find myself unable to add anything interesting.

Always good to take this look at ships. I should do it more myself.

Anyhow, for all that I like that idea and there is some solid wordplay here, I have a real fundamental issue in that I don't have that good a feeling for why they are actually mad at each other. You can potentially infer some elements, but personal experience causes some problems here, as a lot of Gilda's thoughts read to me as the same sort of irrational and unreasonable things that go through my head when I'm upset at my wife. Things that I know I don't mean, and things that I have to bit back because they are all just the result of me being hella snippy when I'm annoyed.

Which sort of undermines a lot of the story for me, because, frankly, Gilda sounds like she shouldn't be talking right now because she's more interested in lashing out than anything? Could there be legitimate issues that are breaking the relationship apart? Definitely. But that's not really the feeling I get here right now. I sorta see Gilda coming back from the party and realizing she was being unreasonable or the like.

Firstly, thanks >>Chris, >>Posh, >>Light_Striker, >>Bachiavellian, >>Caliaponia, >>Xepher, >>eusocialdragon, >>Ranmilia, >>Monokeras and >>AndrewRogue for all of your feedback and comments. There's so much to sift through here, and I'm sure that most, if not all, of it will help me develop this story (and my writing) in a positive direction. I appreciate you taking the time to help me do so.

Like my other submission, the interpretation of the prompt wasn't cryptic or subtle; ostensibly, this minific is about how we can shy away from the splinters and creeping undergrowth in our relationships, rather than doing the more immediately unpleasant act of confronting them, and the harm that this can cause in the long term. Obvious metaphor is obvious, though I hope that I wasn't to heavy handed with it.

Again, some broad themes were noted in the feedback:

It's not a crackship, I swear!
This seemed to be one of the main contentious parts of the fic, and in some cases caused enough disquiet to hamper readers enjoyment of the narrative. I honestly didn't roll a pair of dice and consult a character matrix for this, though I do like to look at pairs of characters from the show and think about how their traits and backgrounds can be moulded to build a believable relationship. I think there's a lot of potential between these characters, not only because their personalities mesh quite well, but because you can invent silly little scenarios like Moon Dancer becoming fascinated with griffon culture and deciding to study them, and then falling for one because said griffon happened to be attempting this whole friendship lark and offered out her spare room.

A heavy handed backstory
Yeah, I can kinda see this a little more now. I'll tell you what, though, this was a light touch compared to my previous draft! I imagine expanding this piece will give me the room I need to incorporate these elements in a less overt way.

Crisis? What crisis?
A few of you identified that there wasn't enough clarity behind the conflict to become emotionally invested in the piece, or that the underlying motivations were somewhat out of focus. I think these are fair points to raise. I attempted to present a relationship that was in a state of conflict due to the accumulation of lots of different issues, with the problem being discussed in the narrative itself being the latest. I also tried to suggest some more specific issues Gilda had with Moon Dancer's success (the book resulting from her years of study is due to be launched to great acclaim) and how this might overshadow her own contributions (to the relationship? To griffonkind?) and self-perception.

Yeah, so maybe that was all a little ambitious for a 750 word minific. I'd like to think that I got the core of the above in there, but I will have to concede that the cram probably lessened the impact of each element. I can only apologise for that.

Potential?
A couple of comments suggested that there is the potential of developing that central premise (Moon Dancer's work and its impact on a great many different things) further. It certainly holds appeal to me, though would require me to overcome my usual anxiety about messing about with a relatively complete minific. It's something I will definitely be giving some thought to, however, as I have a lot of love for this piece.

I think that was probably most of what I wanted to capture here, though if I've forgotten anything I'll be sure to address it. Thanks again for taking the time to read my work and give such useful feedback. I really appreciate it.

>>Ceffyl_Dwr

It's not a crackship, I swear!

But my favorite thing about this story was the trifecta of a cracked wall, a cracked relationship, and a crackship!
And even though you do a good job of justifying the relationship, I think it's still technically a crackship because it's an unusual combination. At least, that's how I see it. But I love a good crackship anyway.
In any case, I think that the story would have been a bit weaker in my mind if it had had a more normal ship, both because I don't care for most of the normal ships, and because of the extra crack it adds.