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Can't Buy Everything
“I'm sorry, Mrs. Platter, but there was only one school in Manehatten with any seats left.” The beige unicorn behind the desk shuffled her papers uncomfortably.
Silver Platter raised the acceptance letter in her magic. “The schedule works, though. I can send her off before I open up every day.”
Silver Spoon screwed up her face, tugging on her mother's tail. “But Mom, it's so far away!”
Silver Platter gently levitated her daughter and set her down a foot away. “Now shush. I'll hire a carriage to take you to school so you'll be safe, but you'll just have to get used to it.”
Silver Spoon peeked her head out from behind her locker door as the students around her bustled about getting ready for their free play period. “Hey, guess what I brought? I saw you with these yesterday, and it looked fun!” Muffling her words was a shiny new Super Gameagon in her mouth with a crystal dangling from the back.
Valencia Orange gaped at it. She and Feather Touch glanced at each other uncomfortably. Valencia spoke up first. “Um, nopony else can afford one of those, Silver Spoon. Why do you have to show off like that?”
Feather nodded. “I got my Gameagon from my big sister when she grew out of it. Valencia got hers from her uncle's attic. We were lucky to have two of one game so we could play together.”
Silver frowned. There was an uncomfortable pit starting to form in her stomach. “But this was the only kind at the store. How am I supposed to play with anyone?”
Valencia shrugged. “You keep bugging us every day and then you show up with that thing? Beats me. Come on, Feather, let's go.” The two of them stepped alongside each other toward the playground.
Silver Spoon bounded in next to Dewdrop and Leafy Green before her first class of the day. “I got my cutie mark!” she yelped, loud enough to make Leafy pin her ears back. “It's a silver spoon! Just like my name! See?”
“What? Already?” Leafy whispered back. “What does it even mean?”
“Maybe you could help figure it out? I don't want to be put in that class with all the dumb foals who don't know what their marks are.”
Dewdrop snorted. “Serve you right if you were. You think we're dumb too because we don't even have our cutie marks at all?”
Silver looked confused for a moment. Then the pit started growing again. “No, I didn't mean it like that! I'm just nervous!”
“Yeah, sure.” Dewdrop turned around and started walking away. Leafy followed close behind. They didn't say anything else.
“Ponyville? But that's in the middle of nowhere!”
“I know, dear, but we need the space. Aren't you sick of this stuffy apartment? We could have a whole house to ourselves!”
“Their school's just one big room! I'll have to sit next to everypony all the time!”
“Now, Silver Spoon, that's enough. We're very lucky ponies already, and you shouldn't be complaining like that. You'll just have to get used to it.”
Silver Spoon gulped down a knot in her throat as she took the first empty seat she could find in the Ponyville schoolhouse. A bright pink filly sat down next to her, sizing her up with narrowed eyes. Then the other filly suddenly brightened up. “Oh, wow! You've already got your cutie mark? It looks just like the spoons we have at home! Your mom isn't Silver Platter, is she?”
“Uh-huh,” Silver nodded uncertainly. She was starting to feel the pit all over again.
“Wow! Well, my mother's Spoiled Rich. I'm Diamond Tiara. I guess we've got something in common, huh?”
Silver grimaced, looking around to see if anypony had heard. “How can you just say it out loud like that? Don't ponies get mad at you for it?”
“Psh! Rich, high-class fillies like us don't need them. Sure, they get jealous sometimes, but you'll get used to it. Just ignore them, and they'll go away. You don't need poor friends when you've got me.”
Silver Spoon turned back to her desk, lost in thought. As other foals continued to file into their seats, a tight grin started to form on her face. Yeah. She could just ignore them, couldn't she? And they'd just have to get used to it.
Silver Platter raised the acceptance letter in her magic. “The schedule works, though. I can send her off before I open up every day.”
Silver Spoon screwed up her face, tugging on her mother's tail. “But Mom, it's so far away!”
Silver Platter gently levitated her daughter and set her down a foot away. “Now shush. I'll hire a carriage to take you to school so you'll be safe, but you'll just have to get used to it.”
Silver Spoon peeked her head out from behind her locker door as the students around her bustled about getting ready for their free play period. “Hey, guess what I brought? I saw you with these yesterday, and it looked fun!” Muffling her words was a shiny new Super Gameagon in her mouth with a crystal dangling from the back.
Valencia Orange gaped at it. She and Feather Touch glanced at each other uncomfortably. Valencia spoke up first. “Um, nopony else can afford one of those, Silver Spoon. Why do you have to show off like that?”
Feather nodded. “I got my Gameagon from my big sister when she grew out of it. Valencia got hers from her uncle's attic. We were lucky to have two of one game so we could play together.”
Silver frowned. There was an uncomfortable pit starting to form in her stomach. “But this was the only kind at the store. How am I supposed to play with anyone?”
Valencia shrugged. “You keep bugging us every day and then you show up with that thing? Beats me. Come on, Feather, let's go.” The two of them stepped alongside each other toward the playground.
Silver Spoon bounded in next to Dewdrop and Leafy Green before her first class of the day. “I got my cutie mark!” she yelped, loud enough to make Leafy pin her ears back. “It's a silver spoon! Just like my name! See?”
“What? Already?” Leafy whispered back. “What does it even mean?”
“Maybe you could help figure it out? I don't want to be put in that class with all the dumb foals who don't know what their marks are.”
Dewdrop snorted. “Serve you right if you were. You think we're dumb too because we don't even have our cutie marks at all?”
Silver looked confused for a moment. Then the pit started growing again. “No, I didn't mean it like that! I'm just nervous!”
“Yeah, sure.” Dewdrop turned around and started walking away. Leafy followed close behind. They didn't say anything else.
“Ponyville? But that's in the middle of nowhere!”
“I know, dear, but we need the space. Aren't you sick of this stuffy apartment? We could have a whole house to ourselves!”
“Their school's just one big room! I'll have to sit next to everypony all the time!”
“Now, Silver Spoon, that's enough. We're very lucky ponies already, and you shouldn't be complaining like that. You'll just have to get used to it.”
Silver Spoon gulped down a knot in her throat as she took the first empty seat she could find in the Ponyville schoolhouse. A bright pink filly sat down next to her, sizing her up with narrowed eyes. Then the other filly suddenly brightened up. “Oh, wow! You've already got your cutie mark? It looks just like the spoons we have at home! Your mom isn't Silver Platter, is she?”
“Uh-huh,” Silver nodded uncertainly. She was starting to feel the pit all over again.
“Wow! Well, my mother's Spoiled Rich. I'm Diamond Tiara. I guess we've got something in common, huh?”
Silver grimaced, looking around to see if anypony had heard. “How can you just say it out loud like that? Don't ponies get mad at you for it?”
“Psh! Rich, high-class fillies like us don't need them. Sure, they get jealous sometimes, but you'll get used to it. Just ignore them, and they'll go away. You don't need poor friends when you've got me.”
Silver Spoon turned back to her desk, lost in thought. As other foals continued to file into their seats, a tight grin started to form on her face. Yeah. She could just ignore them, couldn't she? And they'd just have to get used to it.
That’s rather a nice story. The transitions between the scenes are a bit quick, and we don’t get much to know about Silver Spoon’s mindset evolution, but that’s how most minifics end up. You have to focus on the bones and peel out the flesh.
My only complaint is that Spoon’s change of mindset at the end is very sudden and feels a bit contrived for the needs of the takeaway. I would’ve let the reader with a more doubtful Spoon, pondering over Tiara’s words, but not plumping immediately for them.
Otherwise, it’s fairly well executed. Thanks for writing.
My only complaint is that Spoon’s change of mindset at the end is very sudden and feels a bit contrived for the needs of the takeaway. I would’ve let the reader with a more doubtful Spoon, pondering over Tiara’s words, but not plumping immediately for them.
Otherwise, it’s fairly well executed. Thanks for writing.
Ehhhh. Maybe?
The technical quality is sound. The premise is intriguing, and the broad emotional arc and characterization come through passably. But there's a lot of gaps in the narrative structure. The text just doesn't really justify what's going on: there's a lot of motivation left dangling, and the picture around the edges is incoherent. The sudden turnaround at the end doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it comes out of not enough somewhere.
Text-wise: that's a lot of proper names for one-off characters. I don't know how to feel about that. Hiding the direct quote of the prompt in the middle of dialogue kinda-works, but it might be better to figure out how to write around it.
The technical quality is sound. The premise is intriguing, and the broad emotional arc and characterization come through passably. But there's a lot of gaps in the narrative structure. The text just doesn't really justify what's going on: there's a lot of motivation left dangling, and the picture around the edges is incoherent. The sudden turnaround at the end doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it comes out of not enough somewhere.
Text-wise: that's a lot of proper names for one-off characters. I don't know how to feel about that. Hiding the direct quote of the prompt in the middle of dialogue kinda-works, but it might be better to figure out how to write around it.
Yay for Underappreciated Sidekick Filly! I've never actually read a story about how these two met, which makes this oddly novel for me (especially considering it's bound to have been done a dozen times or so).
I think the opening could be a bit... clearer? I thought the beginning was about her having to go all the way to Ponyville from Manehattan for classes (which sounds ridiculous to me, but some people do use it). It wasn't until about halfway through that I realized this wasn't the case.
I think the opening could be a bit... clearer? I thought the beginning was about her having to go all the way to Ponyville from Manehattan for classes (which sounds ridiculous to me, but some people do use it). It wasn't until about halfway through that I realized this wasn't the case.
This feels a bit abrupt to me; it comes off less as "DT plants a seed in SS's mind" and more "After a 30 second conversation with DT, SS's entire outlook does a total 180." Honestly, with pre-show stuff like this, you don't even need to show us SS changing her mind at all; the reader knows what her canon personality is, and we can see how this builds towards it. It's one of the big crutches advantages of writing fanfiction: we already know the characters!
I also thought the prompt dropping was a bit on-the-nose, but that's just a personal opinion. Beyond that, a fine glimpse of how a character got to be the way they are.
I also thought the prompt dropping was a bit on-the-nose, but that's just a personal opinion. Beyond that, a fine glimpse of how a character got to be the way they are.
>>PaulAsaran On another reading with more comments: I thought the situation was implied pretty heavily in the opening line. There's one school left in Manehattan with any seats left, not zero, right? So that's presumably the one she's going to.
Or, wait, did you mean it the other way around, with the assumption from canon being being that Spoon always lived in Ponyville and is going to Manehattan for classes? Yeah, I guess it could be clearer; that possibility didn't occur to me on first reading, so it didn't strike me as off. The "so far away" is left kind of dangling, but that's basically the kind of crud around the edges I was talking about earlier.
(I also just noticed the story spells it with an "e". Wikia seems to think the "a" version is correct, and it makes more sense anyway. So that's a minor textual error, arguably.)
Or, wait, did you mean it the other way around, with the assumption from canon being being that Spoon always lived in Ponyville and is going to Manehattan for classes? Yeah, I guess it could be clearer; that possibility didn't occur to me on first reading, so it didn't strike me as off. The "so far away" is left kind of dangling, but that's basically the kind of crud around the edges I was talking about earlier.
(I also just noticed the story spells it with an "e". Wikia seems to think the "a" version is correct, and it makes more sense anyway. So that's a minor textual error, arguably.)
This was a decent minfic; it could be an excellent short story. Lots to enjoy here, from the origins story of Silver and Diamond's (gotta get that order right) friendship, to the awkward moments of isolation felt by poor Silver as she tries to fit in and makes a hash of it.
So much of its potential is tempered by the restrictions of the round, though: even with occasional reasoning, for example, her classmates come across as overly harsh. Maybe that's the point, but you'd give more depth to Silver's change in perspective if her isolation was a little more subtle and nuanced. And, as has already been stated, that perspective change is both sudden and abrupt.
I enjoyed it though (it is a Silver Spoon fic after all), despite those issues, and would jump into an expanded version no questions asked. Thanks for sharing.
So much of its potential is tempered by the restrictions of the round, though: even with occasional reasoning, for example, her classmates come across as overly harsh. Maybe that's the point, but you'd give more depth to Silver's change in perspective if her isolation was a little more subtle and nuanced. And, as has already been stated, that perspective change is both sudden and abrupt.
I enjoyed it though (it is a Silver Spoon fic after all), despite those issues, and would jump into an expanded version no questions asked. Thanks for sharing.
I get it that the point of the story was presenting Silver Spoon in a more sympathetic light, by showing how she tries but never gets along with regular ponies. The first scene did a pretty good job, with Silver awkwardly trying to fit in the only way she can imagine, believing that the way to have friends is to buy all the requisite cool stuff. The second scene isn't as well executed; awkward or not, Silver Spoon should know that dismissing others as "dumb" is a jerk thing to do, thus she doesn't come off very sympathetically.
The premise is good here, but the scenes feel a little too disjointed from one another. There's probably some smoother way to do the montage of rejection here. The prompt-drop at the end feels a bit forced too. Silver probably needs to reach "ignore them" on her own, and not be just told it directly.
I am always in favor of more stories about Best Filly.
I have to wonder how Diamond already knows about Silver/Silver's mom. I guess she pays more attention to the who's who around town or something.
The conclusion here seems a bit at odds with canon. When we see Silver in the show, she hasn't been ignoring the other foals, she's been teasing them and trying to show off to them. I'm sure we can chalk it up to Diamond's continued influence, but it's still kind of disappointing to know that the whole point of the story won't last for very long.
Still, I think this is a pretty good story overall.
I have to wonder how Diamond already knows about Silver/Silver's mom. I guess she pays more attention to the who's who around town or something.
The conclusion here seems a bit at odds with canon. When we see Silver in the show, she hasn't been ignoring the other foals, she's been teasing them and trying to show off to them. I'm sure we can chalk it up to Diamond's continued influence, but it's still kind of disappointing to know that the whole point of the story won't last for very long.
Still, I think this is a pretty good story overall.
>>Light_Striker
Copy paste this whole thing and you have my thoughts here. I was never able to really buy into what was going on. Why does Silver Spoon care about the distance of her school? Why is the "bugging every day" offscreen, and why is this "showing off" the last straw? The story loses me early and never gets me back, because I feel like things are happening for the sake of having them happen rather than as a plausible result of the characters' beliefs and actions.
Some work on smoothing out the characters would make this flow a lot better, I think. Maybe compress both schools into a single classroom, cut the stuff with Silver Platter, and use the space gained from that to go a little deeper in crafting the why and how of Silver's social heel turn.
Gotta give props, though, this is a functional story that works in the mini format, and while the attempts at characterization go awry, they are legit attempts. This'll be mid-tierish, serviceable but flawed, most likely. Thanks for writing!
Copy paste this whole thing and you have my thoughts here. I was never able to really buy into what was going on. Why does Silver Spoon care about the distance of her school? Why is the "bugging every day" offscreen, and why is this "showing off" the last straw? The story loses me early and never gets me back, because I feel like things are happening for the sake of having them happen rather than as a plausible result of the characters' beliefs and actions.
Some work on smoothing out the characters would make this flow a lot better, I think. Maybe compress both schools into a single classroom, cut the stuff with Silver Platter, and use the space gained from that to go a little deeper in crafting the why and how of Silver's social heel turn.
Gotta give props, though, this is a functional story that works in the mini format, and while the attempts at characterization go awry, they are legit attempts. This'll be mid-tierish, serviceable but flawed, most likely. Thanks for writing!
This isn't a bad story, well-written and has a good idea behind it. There are a couple of points, though, were I think it could be improved if it were lengthened and allowed to breathe a little more.
First, I think there should be more depth in the scenes where Silver Spoon is being rejected by her peer. Talking about a 'pit' is nice for a minific, but what might be better is a description within each scene of how that feeling affects her actions and the way she interacts with her environment and others after she's been shut out. And make the effect cumulative across the different scenes: each scene things get worse and worse and the slaps in the face just start piling up in her mannerisms and ways of thinking.
Second, Diamond Tiara's advice comes way too late in the narrative; as is, it feels like the story's connection to the prompt was only just tacked on at the end. Have Diamond give her advice and then have a scene or two where Silver uses said advice and finds that it actually works. Then have Silver go back to Diamond and have them start becoming the twosome they are in canon.
Thanks for sharing!
First, I think there should be more depth in the scenes where Silver Spoon is being rejected by her peer. Talking about a 'pit' is nice for a minific, but what might be better is a description within each scene of how that feeling affects her actions and the way she interacts with her environment and others after she's been shut out. And make the effect cumulative across the different scenes: each scene things get worse and worse and the slaps in the face just start piling up in her mannerisms and ways of thinking.
Second, Diamond Tiara's advice comes way too late in the narrative; as is, it feels like the story's connection to the prompt was only just tacked on at the end. Have Diamond give her advice and then have a scene or two where Silver uses said advice and finds that it actually works. Then have Silver go back to Diamond and have them start becoming the twosome they are in canon.
Thanks for sharing!
Reverse Aesop: If people are man to you, be even meaner back in the end.
I... have some problems with how much of assholes the kids are. Like, do you kids not want to even try and exploit her to play all the cool new games or anything? Like, maybe differing life experience or something, but I wanted to hang with the kids who had cool toys. Rich kids are rad if they are being dicks. This is unfortunate, because her getting dumpstered by the other foals is kinda the crux of everything, and it just doesn't resonate with me.
I... have some problems with how much of assholes the kids are. Like, do you kids not want to even try and exploit her to play all the cool new games or anything? Like, maybe differing life experience or something, but I wanted to hang with the kids who had cool toys. Rich kids are rad if they are being dicks. This is unfortunate, because her getting dumpstered by the other foals is kinda the crux of everything, and it just doesn't resonate with me.