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I echo the others; the punch at the end of this was strong, and the description at the start was nice, but the story felt like it was lacking. I think knowing more about Thunderlane, developing him more before the end, would help lend the end extra punch, as we need to care about him more. As-is, his character is mostly delivered in broad, generic strokes, and broad, generic strokes are poor for making us care about someone.
Lyra and Bon Bon flirt while sitting at Agent Sweetie Drops’ funeral.
This was a cute bit of fluff, and that was all it was. Still, it was cute, and it gave me a little bit of fuzzy.
I was amused by Bon Bon’s note about what the retirement plan was, and how it really works out (namely, a fake funeral – that the ponies involved in don’t even know is fake, by the sounds of things). Always a fun “retirement plan”, doubly so when it has such a double meaning.
This was a cute bit of fluff, and that was all it was. Still, it was cute, and it gave me a little bit of fuzzy.
I was amused by Bon Bon’s note about what the retirement plan was, and how it really works out (namely, a fake funeral – that the ponies involved in don’t even know is fake, by the sounds of things). Always a fun “retirement plan”, doubly so when it has such a double meaning.
I was at first really, really wincing at this. And then the twist, and I realized you’d pulled the rug out from under me.
This story is actually really tricksy. This line in particular:
Echoes a thought I’ve had before – that Pinkie Pie doesn’t actually throw huge parties for every new person who comes to town, at least not like the one she threw Twilight.
But here, at first, it seems to have a messed up context to it – namely, that Anon decided that he was special to Pinkie Pie, and that she threw him a totally ordinary party and he decided she actually wanted to be his lover.
Then we go on and see that she seems to be his lover, until we get to the twist that he was never really there at all.
I will note that I agree with >>Trick_Question: don’t use Anon. Just avoid using a name for the unnamed second person protagonist at all - or possibly DO give them a name at some point, as a hint that they're a real, specific person that Pinkie is fantasizing about.
The biggest thing about this is my question as to whether or not the second person protagonist doesn’t exist at all, or if they do exist and are, in fact, dating Twilight. Making this clearer would help the ending; I think it is the latter, and if so, I think that’s deliciously messed up, as it suddenly changes the context of Pinkie’s party from something that “you” thought she was doing for you, even though she didn’t, to it being something she really DID do for “you”, and you just didn’t notice. And that’s deliciously tragic and glorious.
That said, I think that this was quite brilliant if it is the story I think it is, but I do think you could make it shine more (and make it more obvious what is really going on).
>>horizon
Pinkie Pie was bending over to clean up the spilled batter when “you” came in. She was fantasizing about “you” while she was cleaning up the mess.
This story is actually really tricksy. This line in particular:
One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.
Echoes a thought I’ve had before – that Pinkie Pie doesn’t actually throw huge parties for every new person who comes to town, at least not like the one she threw Twilight.
But here, at first, it seems to have a messed up context to it – namely, that Anon decided that he was special to Pinkie Pie, and that she threw him a totally ordinary party and he decided she actually wanted to be his lover.
Then we go on and see that she seems to be his lover, until we get to the twist that he was never really there at all.
I will note that I agree with >>Trick_Question: don’t use Anon. Just avoid using a name for the unnamed second person protagonist at all - or possibly DO give them a name at some point, as a hint that they're a real, specific person that Pinkie is fantasizing about.
The biggest thing about this is my question as to whether or not the second person protagonist doesn’t exist at all, or if they do exist and are, in fact, dating Twilight. Making this clearer would help the ending; I think it is the latter, and if so, I think that’s deliciously messed up, as it suddenly changes the context of Pinkie’s party from something that “you” thought she was doing for you, even though she didn’t, to it being something she really DID do for “you”, and you just didn’t notice. And that’s deliciously tragic and glorious.
That said, I think that this was quite brilliant if it is the story I think it is, but I do think you could make it shine more (and make it more obvious what is really going on).
>>horizon
Pinkie Pie was bending over to clean up the spilled batter when “you” came in. She was fantasizing about “you” while she was cleaning up the mess.
It took me a long time to find this thread. So how exactly is this working? I'm seeing comments/reviews both here and on individual story pages. Are we copy and pasting, or is there some way to post a comment on both at the same time? Also, is the spread sheet still a thing?
>>HoofBitingActionOverload
Comments on a story automatically appear in this thread. The spreadsheet has been obviated, because reviews are directly below the story now.
Comments on a story automatically appear in this thread. The spreadsheet has been obviated, because reviews are directly below the story now.
>>TitaniumDragon
I don't think the text as written supports the interpretation in your final sentence. She is in the process of cleaning when Anon arrives, and when the work is handed off it is explicitly not finished. Anon continues to scrub throughout the first half of the story. The last that is said about the cake batter is, when Pinkie sneaks up on him for snuggling, "You drop the cleaning brush and reach back to scratch her cheek," and that reads to me as if Anon was interrupted in the middle of his work.
And then when Twilight arrives, "Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop." So: A) she was explicitly no longer working on the floor cleaning. And B) The floor being clean in the last line is presented as a surprise to her, not to mention that the passive construction of "It had all been wiped away" is a pretty severe textual signal that the narrator/observer is not the cause of the actions. I think the only actual textual support for the notion of Pinkie doing all the cleaning is that the story makes less sense if she doesn't — but given the contrary clues in the rest of the text, that should be considered a story fault, not an invitation to inference.
Oh, and I never gave this a tier, so: Almost There
I don't think the text as written supports the interpretation in your final sentence. She is in the process of cleaning when Anon arrives, and when the work is handed off it is explicitly not finished. Anon continues to scrub throughout the first half of the story. The last that is said about the cake batter is, when Pinkie sneaks up on him for snuggling, "You drop the cleaning brush and reach back to scratch her cheek," and that reads to me as if Anon was interrupted in the middle of his work.
And then when Twilight arrives, "Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop." So: A) she was explicitly no longer working on the floor cleaning. And B) The floor being clean in the last line is presented as a surprise to her, not to mention that the passive construction of "It had all been wiped away" is a pretty severe textual signal that the narrator/observer is not the cause of the actions. I think the only actual textual support for the notion of Pinkie doing all the cleaning is that the story makes less sense if she doesn't — but given the contrary clues in the rest of the text, that should be considered a story fault, not an invitation to inference.
Oh, and I never gave this a tier, so: Almost There
You may want some stronger signaling of the human element in the beginning here — I was disoriented for a while going in (especially given that "Tom" is a canon Equestrian name). But I quite appreciated the story overall.
The big factor here is that it's certainly an intriguing question you're getting at. It's possible you're lacking exposition of why exactly the humans are taking seriously the idea that MLP might have been literally real — there's a subtext that "Celestia being able to move the sun and moon is completely improbable unless you take the show as true", but that's a fruitful topic for explicit discussion, especially if you're looking to expand this for FIMFic publication. The discussion of the show didn't bug me; it certainly limits this to being MLP-specific fanfic rather than being able to file off the serial numbers for original fiction publication, but then, that's probably not your intention anyway. The core conflict, over the uncertainty of how to fight fate when the ending seems to already be written, is a strong one. The explicit prompt drop was an irritation, but I think you justified it with the closing line. Overall a favorite in my scattershot reading so far.
Tier: Solid
The big factor here is that it's certainly an intriguing question you're getting at. It's possible you're lacking exposition of why exactly the humans are taking seriously the idea that MLP might have been literally real — there's a subtext that "Celestia being able to move the sun and moon is completely improbable unless you take the show as true", but that's a fruitful topic for explicit discussion, especially if you're looking to expand this for FIMFic publication. The discussion of the show didn't bug me; it certainly limits this to being MLP-specific fanfic rather than being able to file off the serial numbers for original fiction publication, but then, that's probably not your intention anyway. The core conflict, over the uncertainty of how to fight fate when the ending seems to already be written, is a strong one. The explicit prompt drop was an irritation, but I think you justified it with the closing line. Overall a favorite in my scattershot reading so far.
Tier: Solid
For some reason I keep thinking about this one and coming back to it. Maybe the initial shock of seeing RL people has faded, or maybe the Larson thing is kinda poignant now, as >>GrandMoffPony suggests.
On reading 2+, I find there's a lot of heart that shines through the drugged-out weirdness. And really, even those bits are really vivid and well written. Or maybe I keep being drawn back by it being DeLancie at the end, with all of the stealth Fluttercord it could imply. Either way, there's depths here that are easy to miss.
...Trick, this one's yours, isn't it?
On reading 2+, I find there's a lot of heart that shines through the drugged-out weirdness. And really, even those bits are really vivid and well written. Or maybe I keep being drawn back by it being DeLancie at the end, with all of the stealth Fluttercord it could imply. Either way, there's depths here that are easy to miss.
...Trick, this one's yours, isn't it?
sooo... what's the Kinks song that's supposed to apply here? time to randomly guess a few.
No there ain't no cure for Schizophrenia disease.
And celluloid heroes never really die
Don't show me no more, please.
I have no idea.
No there ain't no cure for Schizophrenia disease.
And celluloid heroes never really die
Don't show me no more, please.
I have no idea.
Is it some requirement that every single minific has to have some funny twist at the end? Like, seriously, over half my ballot is made up of these types of endings. This one is funnier than most, but what’s the point? Sure, the set up is fine, the punchline is decently silly. But why are we writing so many stories that are nothing but a long set up for a single punchline?
This has some really great tension and atmosphere building, but I think I have to disagree with other people about the ending. I don’t like it. I think this would really benefit from the ‘Let your characters suffer’ mantra. Rarity feels too perfect here, and the conflict (which is set up very well) is resolved far too easily. You have a good opportunity here for really digging into these fears, but it’s wasted because you let Rarity resolve things too quickly.
The bad: Umm, some missing commas, I guess?
The neutral: The girls' dialogue sounds really, really... British? Or like I imagine British dialogue might sound like based on being American and watching Dr. Who and some random Internet stuff. I mention it only because they sound noticeably different than they do on the show and in the movies.
The good: Wow, I don't even know where to begin. It's a simple setup and (obviously) a very short piece, but it's masterful in its usage of Rainbow and its setup for the big moment. And that moment! It's exciting, tense, and quite rewarding when she does the thing.
Random aside: There's some well-written Rainbow in this Writeoff. She's not usually my favorite but I'm really digging it.
The neutral: The girls' dialogue sounds really, really... British? Or like I imagine British dialogue might sound like based on being American and watching Dr. Who and some random Internet stuff. I mention it only because they sound noticeably different than they do on the show and in the movies.
The good: Wow, I don't even know where to begin. It's a simple setup and (obviously) a very short piece, but it's masterful in its usage of Rainbow and its setup for the big moment. And that moment! It's exciting, tense, and quite rewarding when she does the thing.
Random aside: There's some well-written Rainbow in this Writeoff. She's not usually my favorite but I'm really digging it.
I’m not sure what ‘like cut glass’ means. I’m guessing you mean ‘broken glass.’ Glass cutting is a very precise process that doesn’t generally lead to many sharp angles. But then ‘broken glass’ might suggest something else entirely about Rarity’s emotional state.
Otherwise, this is a fun little fic with a cool premise. Rarity’s reaction and voice are mostly perfect, and the whole thing is pretty funny. I found the line ‘Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?’ to be distracting.
For a split second, this starts to become a fic about accepting the inevitability of loss, but then glosses over it. It’s not there long enough to add anything to the story and it’s never resolved, so it ends up feeling like a weird distraction from the comedy. I’d suggest either expanding or cutting that plotline. That said, it could make for a very cool story if expanded.
Otherwise, this is a fun little fic with a cool premise. Rarity’s reaction and voice are mostly perfect, and the whole thing is pretty funny. I found the line ‘Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?’ to be distracting.
For a split second, this starts to become a fic about accepting the inevitability of loss, but then glosses over it. It’s not there long enough to add anything to the story and it’s never resolved, so it ends up feeling like a weird distraction from the comedy. I’d suggest either expanding or cutting that plotline. That said, it could make for a very cool story if expanded.
Okay, all of the other commenters' valid opinions taken into consideration, I liked this story for what it eventually aimed at (um, I think). Seriously, it's your funeral if you're going to trust Discord.
I suspected from the first (and how can you not: Discord, duh!) that he was perfectly in character right to the end.
Creation is the only possible means to chaos. You need something to hang that Chaos/Discord label on. So Discord - as always in the series - creates the means to the end here in some fashion, as he always does. It's his nature. Ponies are good people, and everypony goes along with it, because it's their nature to want to help — they feel good about helping Discord (apparently) feel good about helping—
—even if Discord re-creates the T-Rex. And terrorbirds. And Attercopii. And finally, a sweet little baby windigo. Thanks, Discord! You were so helpful.
The story does need a bit of work, but on the whole I feel like the author did a nice job with this.
Note: Thank you for the huge laugh I got out of Fluttershy's response to the Attercopus. That was priceless.
I suspected from the first (and how can you not: Discord, duh!) that he was perfectly in character right to the end.
Creation is the only possible means to chaos. You need something to hang that Chaos/Discord label on. So Discord - as always in the series - creates the means to the end here in some fashion, as he always does. It's his nature. Ponies are good people, and everypony goes along with it, because it's their nature to want to help — they feel good about helping Discord (apparently) feel good about helping—
—even if Discord re-creates the T-Rex. And terrorbirds. And Attercopii. And finally, a sweet little baby windigo. Thanks, Discord! You were so helpful.
The story does need a bit of work, but on the whole I feel like the author did a nice job with this.
Note: Thank you for the huge laugh I got out of Fluttershy's response to the Attercopus. That was priceless.
This one didn’t grab me until nearly the very end, but I absolutely adore that final line. I think this fic desperately needs to be expanded. I would love to read a story about Applejack contending with a changing farm that’s leaving her and her skills behind. That said, I do think you’ll need a much stronger opening hook.
A lot of really good character specific details here. I’m iffy on the twist. Do you want this to be a story about Twilight’s funeral, or do you want it to be about how the Mane 6 would prefer to be remembered? As is, it’s really more of the latter, but that final makes it seem like you meant it to be the former. The twist is at odds with the rest of the fic.
This is a nice little bit of pointless fun. I think it might drag on a little long. It was fine at the beginning, but I ended up skimming through most of the last third.
This sets up a very cool situation, with great potential for both comedy and drama. But by the end, you haven’t done much with that situation. Both characters are in the same place at the conclusion as they were at the start. Sure, Daring Do is more excited about the game now, but is that really all that can be done with these two very dramatic characters in this very dramatic situation?
This was simple but well-executed for the most part. I can't help but feel it was a little... plain?
I dunno. This is a really strong Writeoff IMO, which means this story is probably going to end up lower on my slate than I wish I could put it. It's good, but the thing is that it lacks the kind of oomph it needs to really stand out against the competition.
But author, please, I don't mean to dump on you by saying that.
I dunno. This is a really strong Writeoff IMO, which means this story is probably going to end up lower on my slate than I wish I could put it. It's good, but the thing is that it lacks the kind of oomph it needs to really stand out against the competition.
But author, please, I don't mean to dump on you by saying that.
Hmm. Others have noticed the hardcore LUS going on here, but I might go out on a limb and speculate that it could be intentional. It kinda sets a dreamlike mood, which the rest of the piece seems to follow.
I'm not sure that the story's payoff quite matches that mood, though. Ultimately they're... what, con artists? And her accomplishment was not falling for it? (Desperately longing for the :yay: emoticon right now)
I think I don't get some of the point here. As this is a frequent occurrence for me, I'm usually inclined to think it's me rather than the story. In this case, though, I might ask the author to provide a bit more clarity when this goes to draft #2. I do think draft #2 could be worthwhile, in part because of the mood that the piece sets toward the beginning.
I'm not sure that the story's payoff quite matches that mood, though. Ultimately they're... what, con artists? And her accomplishment was not falling for it? (Desperately longing for the :yay: emoticon right now)
I think I don't get some of the point here. As this is a frequent occurrence for me, I'm usually inclined to think it's me rather than the story. In this case, though, I might ask the author to provide a bit more clarity when this goes to draft #2. I do think draft #2 could be worthwhile, in part because of the mood that the piece sets toward the beginning.
Writer, this is a refreshing change of pace from the rest of my slate, and for that I thank you. Novelty aside, this is an interesting way to frame a narrative, and I like it for the same sorts of reasons I liked Inferiority in the last pony fic contest. It's a snapshot, one pony's feelings on one artifact from the past, and while it sounds like this may not ordinarily be the sort of music I listen to, I admit I wish I could actually listen to the album.
Side note - I can't help but feel this is, at least in part, some sort of a nod to the actual brony musician SoGreatAndPowerful. Regrettably, I'm not terribly familiar with his work, and when I tried to do some research, I found that when he left the fandom he burned and salted the ground behind him. What few sources (mostly re-upload accounts) I could find feel like incomplete records at best, so I'm left with little more than a gut feeling. More's the pity; while his music wasn't usually my cup of tea, it was very well-crafted.
Final Thought: Worthy of Archiving for Posterity
Side note - I can't help but feel this is, at least in part, some sort of a nod to the actual brony musician SoGreatAndPowerful. Regrettably, I'm not terribly familiar with his work, and when I tried to do some research, I found that when he left the fandom he burned and salted the ground behind him. What few sources (mostly re-upload accounts) I could find feel like incomplete records at best, so I'm left with little more than a gut feeling. More's the pity; while his music wasn't usually my cup of tea, it was very well-crafted.
Final Thought: Worthy of Archiving for Posterity
I agree with TD; I think this is a neat way to tie a couple separate fan theories together to form a cohesive story. At first I was going to condemn your repeated telling of emotions rather than showing them, but, well, a changeling would know, wouldn't they? Well played, Writer. ^_^
I don't have much to add beyond this. This is another good tie-in to an actual episode of the show in this competition, something I'd like to continue to see more of.
Final Thought: Plausibly Poignant
I don't have much to add beyond this. This is another good tie-in to an actual episode of the show in this competition, something I'd like to continue to see more of.
Final Thought: Plausibly Poignant
>>horizon
I sort of assumed that was intended. Not sure why. Anyway, done.
I sort of assumed that was intended. Not sure why. Anyway, done.
Also for coloured spoiler text.
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
I have to side with TD on this one. Pinkie's imagining somepony else doing the cleaning, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing the cleaning herself. If you accept that her fantasy of another person helping her is true, surely it's not a stretch to accept that she's imagining that person doing the work that she's actually doing at the same time.
>>TitaniumDragon
I have to side with TD on this one. Pinkie's imagining somepony else doing the cleaning, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing the cleaning herself. If you accept that her fantasy of another person helping her is true, surely it's not a stretch to accept that she's imagining that person doing the work that she's actually doing at the same time.
>>horizon
>>RogerDodger
There's a second problem Fimfiction has for which I'm curious if a solution exists (although the problem is extremely minor). Any selected text automatically becomes unspoilered: if you click and hold across the screen (or hit Ctrl+A) you can unspoiler everything on the entire screen by accident even when your cursor isn't near any spoilertext.
My curiosity is largely technical interest, because for some reason Fimfiction has this issue more strongly than writeoff.me. As in, selected spoilered text isn't quite as visible here as it is over there.
>>RogerDodger
There's a second problem Fimfiction has for which I'm curious if a solution exists (although the problem is extremely minor). Any selected text automatically becomes unspoilered: if you click and hold across the screen (or hit Ctrl+A) you can unspoiler everything on the entire screen by accident even when your cursor isn't near any spoilertext.
My curiosity is largely technical interest, because for some reason Fimfiction has this issue more strongly than writeoff.me. As in, selected spoilered text isn't quite as visible here as it is over there.
>>Southpaw
Hmm. That's actually a good point. I don't know if that changes my ranking of this, but that's probably one of the undercurrents to the story.
Seriously, it's your funeral if you're going to trust Discord.
Hmm. That's actually a good point. I don't know if that changes my ranking of this, but that's probably one of the undercurrents to the story.
Disclaimer: Comparisons in this comment are not to ridicule, but to illustrate my point. None of this is meant to offend the author or anyone else.
The language killed this one for me. I'm sorry to say that, but, while the conflict and depiction of Twilight's character are indeed intriguing, the short rapid fire of sentences used here is a stylistic tool that loses its effectiveness if used exclusively as it is here. I couldn't help but imagine this being narrated by some sort of sports commentator that's going into breathless overdrive during the final seconds of a game. Or an overenthusiastic salesperson pitching a new product: "A wheezing engine! A howling exhaust! And then there's smoke! Ka-boom! Whoosh!"
It's attention grabbing, yes, but that's why it's best used sparingly. Imagine you're walking down a busy street, and all signs flash and everyone is screaming at you. It just turns to one noisy mess that washes over, and sadly, that's what happened when I was reading this story.
The language killed this one for me. I'm sorry to say that, but, while the conflict and depiction of Twilight's character are indeed intriguing, the short rapid fire of sentences used here is a stylistic tool that loses its effectiveness if used exclusively as it is here. I couldn't help but imagine this being narrated by some sort of sports commentator that's going into breathless overdrive during the final seconds of a game. Or an overenthusiastic salesperson pitching a new product: "A wheezing engine! A howling exhaust! And then there's smoke! Ka-boom! Whoosh!"
It's attention grabbing, yes, but that's why it's best used sparingly. Imagine you're walking down a busy street, and all signs flash and everyone is screaming at you. It just turns to one noisy mess that washes over, and sadly, that's what happened when I was reading this story.
I'm confused by the ending. Were they really trying to arrest him and just gave up super easy? That doesn't make any sense. Either Blueblood has authority or he doesn't. And if so, where is the prank in the story? If not, why Blueblood's reaction—is the prank that the captain pretended he would arrest the guy when Blueblood asked him to, but had no intention of following through? I get the idea, but there's just a tiny bit of uncertainty that tarnishes the ending.
Separately: he stomped his goof and greeted his teeth? :trollestia:
("Gritted" is the past tense of "grit", while "greet" means to welcome or say hello.)
Separately: he stomped his goof and greeted his teeth? :trollestia:
("Gritted" is the past tense of "grit", while "greet" means to welcome or say hello.)
>>Trick_Question >>RogerDodger I see your point, but I personally see this as a positive, rather than a problem: If I triple-click to select a paragraph (often a large one in the context of the Writeoff) it uncovers that entire paragraph until I'm done reading it, and I don't have to keep my mouse over anything I've selected. Single-clicking anywhere on the page undoes this.
This is good as a slightly actiony slice of life. There were some noticeable typos and missing words but a decent editing pass would clean this right up.
I feel like there are a lot of good parts here that don't quite assemble into a whole. The reference to A Christmas Carol isn't worked in deftly enough to be anything but distracting from the tone of the rest of it.
Almost. Almost, I say.
Almost. Almost, I say.
This fic grabbed me from line one and did not let go until after it was finished. I was wholly invested in the characters and their plight for the whole ride. Elements like Daring Do's flashes of insight based on years of experience and the gorgeous scenery painting with the sound and scent cues serve the narrative well.
For a brief moment (“You’re, you’re… you’re coming back, right?”), I thought Daring was going to go in an unexpected direction and add a dark note to her (eventual?) assertions in the show proper of "I work alone". This proved premature, but it raised my heart rate a bit all the same.
The uncertainty of the ending still leaves the door open for reader interpretation, which I thoroughly enjoy when properly executed (which I think you did here, Writer, so no worries). Cynic that I am, I maintain that this is an excellent explanation for Daring's unwillingness to have a sidekick later on in life, but I can certainly see the alternative as an equally viable option.
This is some of the best writing I've read yet this competition, Writer. Very well done indeed.
Final Thought: I Would Happily Read the Book this is an Excerpt From
For a brief moment (“You’re, you’re… you’re coming back, right?”), I thought Daring was going to go in an unexpected direction and add a dark note to her (eventual?) assertions in the show proper of "I work alone". This proved premature, but it raised my heart rate a bit all the same.
The uncertainty of the ending still leaves the door open for reader interpretation, which I thoroughly enjoy when properly executed (which I think you did here, Writer, so no worries). Cynic that I am, I maintain that this is an excellent explanation for Daring's unwillingness to have a sidekick later on in life, but I can certainly see the alternative as an equally viable option.
This is some of the best writing I've read yet this competition, Writer. Very well done indeed.
Final Thought: I Would Happily Read the Book this is an Excerpt From
I have little to add to the previous reviews, other than that I think the story needs more focus in terms of "when are things happening in relation to when things are reported." The first part of the story before "Well..." actually felt like some sort of diary entry to me, which then abruptly erupted into an actual scene.
Somehow, I had no doubt in my mind Spike was the narrator from the moment on he said (Pinkie and I). I don't know why. Maybe because no other character would call something Twilight did a 'reign of terror', or because no other pony would take part in baking-oriented science experiments.
Somehow, I had no doubt in my mind Spike was the narrator from the moment on he said (Pinkie and I). I don't know why. Maybe because no other character would call something Twilight did a 'reign of terror', or because no other pony would take part in baking-oriented science experiments.
I don't think the fourth wall breaks served you well here, Writer - not the blatant ones, at least. They felt unnecessary, since Rainbow Dash is already a perfectly serviceable stand-in for the author.
Still, I'm on board for what you're going for here. If you really did start this story with fifteen minutes left on the clock, color me impressed - I doubt I'd be able to cobble something half this coherent together in that amount of time.
Final Thought: I Wish I Still Had A Fireplace
Still, I'm on board for what you're going for here. If you really did start this story with fifteen minutes left on the clock, color me impressed - I doubt I'd be able to cobble something half this coherent together in that amount of time.
Final Thought: I Wish I Still Had A Fireplace
>>Trick_Question
It's possible to make the selection text color the same as the background, though I'm not sure that's desirable.
You can't hover on touch devices, so selection is the only way to reveal the text.
It's possible to make the selection text color the same as the background, though I'm not sure that's desirable.
You can't hover on touch devices, so selection is the only way to reveal the text.
Oh, another remark I forgot yesterday: even though it's described as being "hoof-wide", I think of "drainage pipe" as those huge corrugated culvert liners you can often walk right through. So even though I knew better, I kept imagining Rarity having an entire tunnel jammed through her chest, with the entire cross-section visible.
Which reminds me of one more copy-editing suggestion: change "shoulder" to "withers". Rarity has the latter, unless you're at Canterlot High.
Which reminds me of one more copy-editing suggestion: change "shoulder" to "withers". Rarity has the latter, unless you're at Canterlot High.
On the first part of their discussion, I hear most doctors tend to choose similarly to Lily when in that situation. Not sure if they'd actually admit it to a patient, though.
I liked the last few lines of this fic, the way it ended. Even after the issue had been settled, it still lingers between the two uncomfortably. Much stronger than ending it instantly.
I liked the last few lines of this fic, the way it ended. Even after the issue had been settled, it still lingers between the two uncomfortably. Much stronger than ending it instantly.
This is by far the best story I've read so far. It's also only the fourth story I've read, and none of the others impressed me very much. This one, at least, was amusing and did what it set out to.
There were just a few things that really bugged me here:
* I know you stole that joke about requisitioning Button Mash's IP from somewhere, but I can't remember where.
* You didn't try to hide any white text in the blank space at the end.
* I think "Fibrous Nuggets Ot EMOTION" would have been a better title.
There were just a few things that really bugged me here:
* I know you stole that joke about requisitioning Button Mash's IP from somewhere, but I can't remember where.
* You didn't try to hide any white text in the blank space at the end.
* I think "Fibrous Nuggets Ot EMOTION" would have been a better title.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload
Because the format of minifics makes it extremely difficult to pull off anything more ambitious, and because minifics are short enough to feel like these sorts of stories can be written without stretching out the run-up to the joke.
750 words is simply too short to do anything interesting in. Look at the statistics in >>Bugle: our median entry was 747 words. Compare that to the short-story rounds, where (aside from a bump at the 2k mark for people pushing to meet the minimum) the histogram for submitted word counts is typically an even distribution. With minifics, a literal majority of authors are struggling to take even simple ideas and pare them down to where they fit. The rest give up and write feghoots.
That severe restriction can be an excellent learning experience, don't get me wrong. It forces you to make hard decisions about what's essential to your story, and encourages an economy of words that teaches good writing habits. But the result is overwhelmingly not complete stories, it's glorified outlines or writing exercises.
I really wish we'd test-run a "minific" round of 500-1000 words instead of 400-750. I think we'd see the quality of the average submission jump (and I think we'd concurrently see a modest effect of authors focusing on fewer, more-in-depth entries). I really want to know whether that would also retain the learning benefits that the constrained writing has historically provided.
/rant
But why are we writing so many stories that are nothing but a long set up for a single punchline?
Because the format of minifics makes it extremely difficult to pull off anything more ambitious, and because minifics are short enough to feel like these sorts of stories can be written without stretching out the run-up to the joke.
750 words is simply too short to do anything interesting in. Look at the statistics in >>Bugle: our median entry was 747 words. Compare that to the short-story rounds, where (aside from a bump at the 2k mark for people pushing to meet the minimum) the histogram for submitted word counts is typically an even distribution. With minifics, a literal majority of authors are struggling to take even simple ideas and pare them down to where they fit. The rest give up and write feghoots.
That severe restriction can be an excellent learning experience, don't get me wrong. It forces you to make hard decisions about what's essential to your story, and encourages an economy of words that teaches good writing habits. But the result is overwhelmingly not complete stories, it's glorified outlines or writing exercises.
I really wish we'd test-run a "minific" round of 500-1000 words instead of 400-750. I think we'd see the quality of the average submission jump (and I think we'd concurrently see a modest effect of authors focusing on fewer, more-in-depth entries). I really want to know whether that would also retain the learning benefits that the constrained writing has historically provided.
/rant
I saw the ending coming from pretty early on, so I'm with >>Orbiting_kettle about cutting it off sooner. Actually, my first thought was that you might want to change the ending entirely, since it seems kind of week to have their sisters just find them instead of making them decide what to do.
It's a decent story overall, though, if not particularly special.
It's a decent story overall, though, if not particularly special.
>>horizon
But do we want to make things easier for authors in order to get better stories, or do we want to challenge authors more, at the cost of getting lower-quality stories.
Personally, I'm fine either way. I'm not a good enough author for it to make much of a difference.
But do we want to make things easier for authors in order to get better stories, or do we want to challenge authors more, at the cost of getting lower-quality stories.
Personally, I'm fine either way. I'm not a good enough author for it to make much of a difference.
>>RogerDodger
On an iPhone, selecting spoilertext still leaves it black on black. :( That's not a Writeoff-specific problem, by the way. Because of that, FIMFiction is halfway unusable for me on mobile.
On an iPhone, selecting spoilertext still leaves it black on black. :( That's not a Writeoff-specific problem, by the way. Because of that, FIMFiction is halfway unusable for me on mobile.
>>RogerDodger
On an iPhone, selecting spoilertext still leaves it black on black. :( That's not a Writeoff-specific problem, by the way. Because of that, FIMFiction is halfway unusable for me on mobile.
Edit: Hm, apparently we also could use a "delete post" button for those accidental double-clicks. :V
On an iPhone, selecting spoilertext still leaves it black on black. :( That's not a Writeoff-specific problem, by the way. Because of that, FIMFiction is halfway unusable for me on mobile.
Edit: Hm, apparently we also could use a "delete post" button for those accidental double-clicks. :V
This just hits all of the wrong buttons for me. The phrase "post-apocalyptic" alone is enough for me to knock this down several slots on my ballot. And then you throw in implications of some sort of human vs pony war, humans stupidly insisting that reality must match the show, a lazy attempt to combine science with magic...
Yeah, this story was never going to work for me.
Yeah, this story was never going to work for me.
>>horizon
If you’re on iOS, try Firefox. It works perfectly fine with the spoiler flag. You click on a hidden zone, the “veil” disappears, you click elsewhere, it reappears. Very neat and bugfree.
It’s just a matter of having a solid software working for you.
I mean, I used to browse with Safari mobile, because of “reader mode” which is fine to read text, but Firefox has it now too, and FIrefox is much quicker than Safari and seems to have a consistent behaviour over the fence desktop/mobile, whereas Safari does not.
Oh, and BTW, “I’m totally sitting this round out, folks” :P
If you’re on iOS, try Firefox. It works perfectly fine with the spoiler flag. You click on a hidden zone, the “veil” disappears, you click elsewhere, it reappears. Very neat and bugfree.
It’s just a matter of having a solid software working for you.
I mean, I used to browse with Safari mobile, because of “reader mode” which is fine to read text, but Firefox has it now too, and FIrefox is much quicker than Safari and seems to have a consistent behaviour over the fence desktop/mobile, whereas Safari does not.
Oh, and BTW, “I’m totally sitting this round out, folks” :P
I'm a bit disappointed that Lyra correctly guessed what was going on, but it wouldn't really make much sense for her not to assume that changelings were involved. The first person perspective seems a bit odd to me too, though I'm not entirely sure why. It might just be because our narrator isn't either of the important characters in the story, but I'm not sure.
Still, it was a good story, and I have no major complaints.
Edit: Now that I think of it, the title isn't entirely accurate. Bon Bon could potentially die 16 times before it becomes permanent.
Still, it was a good story, and I have no major complaints.
Edit: Now that I think of it, the title isn't entirely accurate. Bon Bon could potentially die 16 times before it becomes permanent.
Mathematics is a cold and exacting art, as Twilight herself once was.
This is a fantastic line marred by a subtle grammar goof: By making "art" the object of the first half of the sentence, your second clause is saying that Twilight used to be an art. I would suggest: "The art of mathematics is cold and exacting, as Twilight herself once was."
Overall, the descriptions here are vivid and gripping, which made for a compelling read and almost but not quite saved this from its structural flaws. For instance, you've got an unfortunate overlap between using the word "spark" for the life force of a living being and the fact that the airship is literally on fire. Also, you identify the airship as a passenger model and talk about the hundreds of people on board; hint strongly that ponies are jumping off of the burning ship and falling to their deaths; and lampshade that the airship is going to fall into Ponyville (presumably wiping out a city block and causing massive carnage). And yet the ending seems to celebrate saving the single inhabitant of the ship? I can't square that on a number of levels. (Not to mention that Twilight "reaches for the spark" and then the airship apparently explodes, which made me think at first that she had blown it apart in midair to save the lives of everyone on the ground, which ... wasn't the case, and would have been a bigger act of heroism.) If your intention is to focus on the one life she could save at the expense of the ones she couldn't -- and that was probably your intention because the tragedy writ large and success writ small is a powerful effect -- this should be more explicit in Twilight's acknowledgement of the ponies for whom it was already too late, and it really needs to lampshade why (A) she's so desperately searching for life inside the airship when it's apparently empty and she has literally seen hundreds of ponies jump overboard, and (B) why she's not trying to save them. Or Ponyville, for that matter. She spends an awful lot of effort not doing either of those two things, and right now it comes across to me as idiot-balling, and I'm sure that her actual reasoning was the exact opposite and just isn't being communicated to me clearly.
Tier: Almost There
>>wYvern
Imagine you're walking down a busy street, and all signs flash and everyone is screaming at you.
You don't have to imagine. That place exists.
[img]https://a.travel-assets.com/mediavault.le/media/e610267eeec8dbf76528a8eff6c4891ccc8fdd69.jpeg[/img]
I couldn't help it, but I imagined the whole exchange performed by two comedians (I got the vibe of that kind of sketches) complete with the exaggerated motions and all. I know such sketches are performed in Japan (and also in Tuskany, but I reckon Japan may be more familiar to most people) with all the stiffness and "tellyness" required to deliver background information in short packages to give the jokes context.
And with all this I found it quite funny.
The problem seems to be that the story works for me only because I added my own frame around it. As suggested by >>Trick_Question adding a bit of context (Celestia and Luna performing would work) would go to great lengths to improve this story.
And with all this I found it quite funny.
The problem seems to be that the story works for me only because I added my own frame around it. As suggested by >>Trick_Question adding a bit of context (Celestia and Luna performing would work) would go to great lengths to improve this story.
Gonna have to side with the No Fun brigade on this one: I'm not finding much to complain about with the execution (though the funeral was too bait-and-switchy; the eulogy doesn't actually work with the situation as revealed), but the humor is a miss for me. My personal take was that it was too cruel on, well, pretty much everyone's parts: everyone's clearly humoring Dash and Pinkie, and then Dash picks a public fight, and there's some cringe humor that just leaves me wondering why the hell Rarity and Applejack agreed to attend in the first place, because the implication is pretty clear that they knew the purpose going in, and there is just nothing about how this situation was resolved that was mature on anyone's part, and I am not on board with that for a cheap gag. Sorry.
Tier: Misaimed
>>pterrorgrine
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
Tier: Misaimed
>>pterrorgrine
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories.
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
Sweetie Belle is worried about her surgery in the morning. She thinks she hears a ghost taunting her from a nearby closet, who sings a little song to her. In the end, Rarity shows up and comforts her.
This is one of those stories that could have turned into a horror story, but instead was a bit of drama – Sweetie Belle is scared about undergoing a medical procedure, and her fears are somewhat justified, but are being amplified either by a ghost or (more likely) her own imagination, which is scaring her.
This was a kind of cute piece in the end, and a bit WAFFy with Rarity’s appearance - I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not. >>HoofBitingActionOverload brings up a valid point - Sweetie's fears are dispelled easily by her big sister, and while that might work for a story being told to a child, I'm also not sure if it is more valid than having her work out her fears a bit more.
>>Trick_Question
I don't think that there's any textual evidence that she's actually dying. Really, it seems like the sort of thing a half-asleep person might dream about that scared them. Indeed, the ghost's line suggests whatever it is is unlikely to kill her - it is the sort of ridiculous medical chain of terrors that people sometimes face.
This is one of those stories that could have turned into a horror story, but instead was a bit of drama – Sweetie Belle is scared about undergoing a medical procedure, and her fears are somewhat justified, but are being amplified either by a ghost or (more likely) her own imagination, which is scaring her.
This was a kind of cute piece in the end, and a bit WAFFy with Rarity’s appearance - I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not. >>HoofBitingActionOverload brings up a valid point - Sweetie's fears are dispelled easily by her big sister, and while that might work for a story being told to a child, I'm also not sure if it is more valid than having her work out her fears a bit more.
>>Trick_Question
I don't think that there's any textual evidence that she's actually dying. Really, it seems like the sort of thing a half-asleep person might dream about that scared them. Indeed, the ghost's line suggests whatever it is is unlikely to kill her - it is the sort of ridiculous medical chain of terrors that people sometimes face.
Fluttershy lusts for cactuses, gets on a train run by porn sites, and then gets the “Fluttershy fucks a cactus.avi” file thrown in the recycle bin.
In a word: meh. This story tried to be too clever by half, and while I guessed at the Fluttershy and cactus thing, I never would have known what the ponies’ names meant without Trick Question’s post. Frankly, though, this story is one of those stories that people call “artsy” correctly – it is trying to be all symbolic, but in the end, doesn’t really say much of value, and nowhere near directly enough to actually impact anyone who isn’t already intimately familiar with the subject matter anyway.
In a word: meh. This story tried to be too clever by half, and while I guessed at the Fluttershy and cactus thing, I never would have known what the ponies’ names meant without Trick Question’s post. Frankly, though, this story is one of those stories that people call “artsy” correctly – it is trying to be all symbolic, but in the end, doesn’t really say much of value, and nowhere near directly enough to actually impact anyone who isn’t already intimately familiar with the subject matter anyway.
This is pretty much just “Let’s make Diamond Tiara into Donald Trump”, which isn’t really that funny. It just is pretty much “Donald Trump is a troll.”
If you’re really going to write something about it, do something more than a surface parody, or go full-bore ridiculous – you know, have the Republican Establishment gang up on them Voltron style or something.
If you’re really going to write something about it, do something more than a surface parody, or go full-bore ridiculous – you know, have the Republican Establishment gang up on them Voltron style or something.
A captured changeling hypnotizes the guard to her cell into believing that Twilight Sparkle is a changeling. Probably.
This was a tidy little piece. It has a nice little arc, we’re left with some doubt as to what is really going on, we get that nice little flicker of ambiguity, and a nicely sinister little villain here. This was solidly slotted into the word allowance.
This was a tidy little piece. It has a nice little arc, we’re left with some doubt as to what is really going on, we get that nice little flicker of ambiguity, and a nicely sinister little villain here. This was solidly slotted into the word allowance.
The uncertainty of the ending still leaves the door open for reader interpretation, which I thoroughly enjoy when properly executed
Reading through this and other fics on my slate, and the reader reactions to them, it's clear that there's a pretty big gulf in how some readers respond to uncertainty and ambiguity. If I had to summarize the difference, it would be that some readers like to be asked questions, while other readers prefer to be told answers.
This has some definitely interesting ideas, but the all-dialogue format was definitely an experiment, and I'm sorry to say that it didn't work for me.
The one thing you must be crystal clear with when you write an all-dialogue story is exactly who is speaking which line, since you can't use dialogue tags, narration, or scene description to clarify ambiguities. But these are your first four lines (annotated in color with the speakers that are immediately deducible from the text):
As a cold open, this creates all sorts of confusion.
Grammatically, a new paragraph indicates a new speaker. You sandwich the ellipsis between an obvious Rarity line and an obvious Spike line rather than append it to one of their quotes, so the logical conclusion is that there's a third individual on the scene whose initial contribution is to remain silent. This is reinforced by the fact that there's no logical reason for a pause between lines 2 and 4. After some logic-puzzle solving later in the story, I think you're using "..." to mean "everyone was silent" (which is really counterintuitive and almost certainly unnecessary), and so there actually is an enforced pause there, but that still gives us no context as to what significance the pause has. Awkward silence? Shmoopy looks? Running towards each other in slow motion across a field of waving grass? Panicked ducking into the shadows and clapping their claws/hooves over their mouths as the Sun Tyrant's guards stalk down the street in search of the fugitives? Offscreen sex?
Well, that killed the mood. Seriously, that is the grandmother of mixed signals from Rarity; taking offense that he's not treating her "like a lady" implies a forced distance that is completely at odds with the protestation of love not five seconds before the implied kiss.
This makes no sense if, as the later story suggests, they're dead themselves. (I should point out that the idea that they're meeting in the afterlife is the coolest part of this story, but sifting through all the dialogue was so fatiguing that the idea didn't have the impact it should have had.)
But he just tried to "take advantage" of her like thirty seconds ago! Where's this sudden lack of passion coming from?
Sorry, author, between the dialogue and the contradictory text I just can't connect to anything here. Take a deep breath, rewrite it with dialogue tags (and some descriptions of what's going on during those pauses), and then take a rigorous editing pass to make sure everything's pulling in the same direction and characters are behaving consistently. Then see what you can trim back away to keep the benefits of this sparse format (e.g., there are a few spots like the quoted 'take-advantage' part where you do an excellent job of projecting implied action into those pauses, and I don't want to downplay that). This has an intriguing premise and some touches of excellence and really deserves a thorough overhaul to make it work.
Tier: Needs Work
The one thing you must be crystal clear with when you write an all-dialogue story is exactly who is speaking which line, since you can't use dialogue tags, narration, or scene description to clarify ambiguities. But these are your first four lines (annotated in color with the speakers that are immediately deducible from the text):
“Rarity!" Spike said.
“Spike!” Rarity said.
“...” who is this I don't even
“R-Rarity! I haven’t seen you in so long!” Spike said.
As a cold open, this creates all sorts of confusion.
Grammatically, a new paragraph indicates a new speaker. You sandwich the ellipsis between an obvious Rarity line and an obvious Spike line rather than append it to one of their quotes, so the logical conclusion is that there's a third individual on the scene whose initial contribution is to remain silent. This is reinforced by the fact that there's no logical reason for a pause between lines 2 and 4. After some logic-puzzle solving later in the story, I think you're using "..." to mean "everyone was silent" (which is really counterintuitive and almost certainly unnecessary), and so there actually is an enforced pause there, but that still gives us no context as to what significance the pause has. Awkward silence? Shmoopy looks? Running towards each other in slow motion across a field of waving grass? Panicked ducking into the shadows and clapping their claws/hooves over their mouths as the Sun Tyrant's guards stalk down the street in search of the fugitives? Offscreen sex?
“Because I love you, darling! I love you so much! I—hmmph!”
“...”
“S-Spike, you don’t take advantage of a lady—”
Well, that killed the mood. Seriously, that is the grandmother of mixed signals from Rarity; taking offense that he's not treating her "like a lady" implies a forced distance that is completely at odds with the protestation of love not five seconds before the implied kiss.
“Rarity, screaming does not work here. All it does is wake up the dead.”
“Ahh—Wait, wake up the dead?”
This makes no sense if, as the later story suggests, they're dead themselves. (I should point out that the idea that they're meeting in the afterlife is the coolest part of this story, but sifting through all the dialogue was so fatiguing that the idea didn't have the impact it should have had.)
[Spike] "I think it’s safe to say that I’ve grown numb to love. Plus, I’m dead. I can’t feel anything but what I felt when I died.”
But he just tried to "take advantage" of her like thirty seconds ago! Where's this sudden lack of passion coming from?
Sorry, author, between the dialogue and the contradictory text I just can't connect to anything here. Take a deep breath, rewrite it with dialogue tags (and some descriptions of what's going on during those pauses), and then take a rigorous editing pass to make sure everything's pulling in the same direction and characters are behaving consistently. Then see what you can trim back away to keep the benefits of this sparse format (e.g., there are a few spots like the quoted 'take-advantage' part where you do an excellent job of projecting implied action into those pauses, and I don't want to downplay that). This has an intriguing premise and some touches of excellence and really deserves a thorough overhaul to make it work.
Tier: Needs Work
I agree with the above comments; this does push at a couple of jokes, but I don't think it has the idea of satire quite down. Who is it that we're supposed to be laughing at? If this is intended as mockery of DT, then the second scene (with Celestia powerless against her) elevates her too much to be keeping her in the crosshairs. And yet most of the jokes/references (firing Silver Spoon, getting changelings to pay for the wall, etc) are anti-Trump jabs.
This needs to show some teeth, basically. It's taking tiny nibbles of political humor and chewing politely.
Tier: Needs Work
This needs to show some teeth, basically. It's taking tiny nibbles of political humor and chewing politely.
Tier: Needs Work
>>Calipony
Thank you for the iOS Firefox rec. I'll have to download that and give it a try.
I intended to! D: And then the prompt gave me an idea, and then I felt guilty about not reading a slate, and then I wanted to see how reviews would work with the new system and I needed some down time at work ...
Think of me as that author who is always like "Yeah! I'm going to enter!" and then chokes in the writing period, except made of antimatter. :V
At least I genuinely sat out the writing last round. And if I'm feeling up to reviewing minifics, clearly I'm not as burnt out as I thought.
Thank you for the iOS Firefox rec. I'll have to download that and give it a try.
Oh, and BTW, “I’m totally sitting this round out, folks” :P
I intended to! D: And then the prompt gave me an idea, and then I felt guilty about not reading a slate, and then I wanted to see how reviews would work with the new system and I needed some down time at work ...
Think of me as that author who is always like "Yeah! I'm going to enter!" and then chokes in the writing period, except made of antimatter. :V
At least I genuinely sat out the writing last round. And if I'm feeling up to reviewing minifics, clearly I'm not as burnt out as I thought.
>>horizon
Yeah, go ahead. Firefox for iOS has a slightly different UI than Safari, so you might feel confused for a short while, but once you get used to it, it’s fine and it works pretty well.
And don’t feel guilty for chiming in. It’s always a pleasure to read your comments and reviews! :) (and your fics, of course!)
Yeah, go ahead. Firefox for iOS has a slightly different UI than Safari, so you might feel confused for a short while, but once you get used to it, it’s fine and it works pretty well.
And don’t feel guilty for chiming in. It’s always a pleasure to read your comments and reviews! :) (and your fics, of course!)
>>TitaniumDragon
I had to search for "P-Hub". Once I found that, I deduced what Brazzer meant (but only because of the Brazzers meme). I don't watch a lot of human porn.
I had to search for "P-Hub". Once I found that, I deduced what Brazzer meant (but only because of the Brazzers meme). I don't watch a lot of human porn.
>>TitaniumDragon
I totally saw this the other way, primarily because it doesn't make much sense that Lyra is actually a changeling. What purpose would a hypnotized guard telling Celestia that Twilight is a changeling serve toward that changeling getting free?
Apart from that, it does make more sense your way. For some reason I was hypnotized along with the protagonist.
I totally saw this the other way, primarily because it doesn't make much sense that Lyra is actually a changeling. What purpose would a hypnotized guard telling Celestia that Twilight is a changeling serve toward that changeling getting free?
Apart from that, it does make more sense your way. For some reason I was hypnotized along with the protagonist.
>>Cold in Gardez
This is an interesting insight, but I think it's more complex than this.
In my case, I don't mind open-ended stories, or even ambiguity. I just didn't feel like the ending was quite sufficient to tell a complete story. The story ended at its climax with no indication of what we were supposed to learn or expect.
In this case it was very, very close to feeling "complete" to me, hence my use of the words "hair's breadth". Even a touch more insight into Daring's thoughts would have done it, I think. But it wasn't the fact that the ending left us hanging. It was that I wasn't certain I knew what the author was trying to communicate at the conclusion.
This is an interesting insight, but I think it's more complex than this.
In my case, I don't mind open-ended stories, or even ambiguity. I just didn't feel like the ending was quite sufficient to tell a complete story. The story ended at its climax with no indication of what we were supposed to learn or expect.
In this case it was very, very close to feeling "complete" to me, hence my use of the words "hair's breadth". Even a touch more insight into Daring's thoughts would have done it, I think. But it wasn't the fact that the ending left us hanging. It was that I wasn't certain I knew what the author was trying to communicate at the conclusion.
>>The_Letter_J
I think the choice of narrator made sense. It allowed the audience to be introduced to a potentially quite alien perspective in a way that kept things sympathetic and relatable. Or that at least wouldn't run the risk of needing more words to establish the perspective as relatable.
Also, "We only live 16 (+/-1) Times" wouldn't have been as snappy. :-P
I think the choice of narrator made sense. It allowed the audience to be introduced to a potentially quite alien perspective in a way that kept things sympathetic and relatable. Or that at least wouldn't run the risk of needing more words to establish the perspective as relatable.
Also, "We only live 16 (+/-1) Times" wouldn't have been as snappy. :-P
The intro built an expectation that this would be some kind of trollfic, but then the rest of it was really solid. I'm not sure who I end up thinking is who by the end.
I'd like to see more written in this vein. I'm not sure how much this specific story needs to be expanded, though; it's kinda almost perfect as-is.
I'd like to see more written in this vein. I'm not sure how much this specific story needs to be expanded, though; it's kinda almost perfect as-is.
In which Fluttershy and Rarity briefly trade roles, and the resulting tsunami capsizes ships everywhere. :-P
I think keeping the other pony's identity ambiguous serves the story. I think all the possible teases of who it might be adds-up to a veritable boatyard of possibilities. IMO, it makes sense to have Fluttershy be encouraging, and I could see Rarity freaking out this way in this kind of situation. The description of the dress is remarkably lush.
Thus far I have proven quite useless at identifying major issues that would bear fixing.
I think keeping the other pony's identity ambiguous serves the story. I think all the possible teases of who it might be adds-up to a veritable boatyard of possibilities. IMO, it makes sense to have Fluttershy be encouraging, and I could see Rarity freaking out this way in this kind of situation. The description of the dress is remarkably lush.
Thus far I have proven quite useless at identifying major issues that would bear fixing.
Author, I was about to chastise you for the lack of a sense of urgency in your opening sentence. I want to apologise for that, because I was very wrong: that lack of fear as an initial response is a fantastic choice, and I'm going to spend a few paragraphs now defending it. I'm even going to try and defend it from >>Haze's criticism, which is entirely unrelated to the point I was going to make originally.
The first sentence is a phenomenal hook, if you ask me. It creates an image of awe-inspiring stillness—"drifting" is such a perfect choice of word, especially when reconciled with later descriptions of the size of this thing—and "perched" adds a sense of playful precariousness I admit I didn't notice on my first readthrough. I'd be tempted to suggest you open with "When Alto found Cirrus, he was..." to try to further emphasise the worried tone of Alto's implied search, but at the same time I think that additional clause would detract from the calmness that your first sentence brings.
The reason I like that calmness is that a great deal of this piece is about juxtaposition—like Haze, says:
This is something you excel at creating, author—a fantastic sense of beauty in the clouds, masking the known danger and even making the danger appear less. Another criticism I was considering levelling at this piece was that the tension at the end didn't quite seem high enough, that the stakes didn't truly feel real... but I think that was rather the whole point. You mask a lot of the danger in this piece (the initial distraction of unicorn and earth pony customs uses comedy as a mask, and right at the end the lightness of "a faint swirl of cloudstuff" masks the darker undertones of "vanished into the monster's depths) and I'd go so far as to argue that danger lurking behind a false exterior is a major theme of the piece. In some ways, if you ever extend this, I'd really like to see that explored further, and see what directions you can take it.
All that said, this piece is not faultless. I was jarred out of immersion by a very early repetition of "speck", which upset me primarily because the writing was so strong up to that point that I didn't expect it. And I'm not wholly convinced by your second-to-last paragraph: this is where I really wish there were at least more toying with the idea of danger, and of underestimating it. Simply thinking about how it could kill her doesn't quite cut it for me, and a single scowl leans a little too strongly on the showy side of things for the reader to know if this was a (mistakenly) thought-through decision, or a heat-of-the-moment reaction. Haze makes a good point about the ending: the "And" construction here seems a little too weak to use as a concluding remark.
Still, despite my relatively few qualms, this is a very strong piece. I found it mesmerisingly beautiful and thoroughly engaging. Well done, author. I liked this a lot.
The first sentence is a phenomenal hook, if you ask me. It creates an image of awe-inspiring stillness—"drifting" is such a perfect choice of word, especially when reconciled with later descriptions of the size of this thing—and "perched" adds a sense of playful precariousness I admit I didn't notice on my first readthrough. I'd be tempted to suggest you open with "When Alto found Cirrus, he was..." to try to further emphasise the worried tone of Alto's implied search, but at the same time I think that additional clause would detract from the calmness that your first sentence brings.
The reason I like that calmness is that a great deal of this piece is about juxtaposition—like Haze, says:
I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
This is something you excel at creating, author—a fantastic sense of beauty in the clouds, masking the known danger and even making the danger appear less. Another criticism I was considering levelling at this piece was that the tension at the end didn't quite seem high enough, that the stakes didn't truly feel real... but I think that was rather the whole point. You mask a lot of the danger in this piece (the initial distraction of unicorn and earth pony customs uses comedy as a mask, and right at the end the lightness of "a faint swirl of cloudstuff" masks the darker undertones of "vanished into the monster's depths) and I'd go so far as to argue that danger lurking behind a false exterior is a major theme of the piece. In some ways, if you ever extend this, I'd really like to see that explored further, and see what directions you can take it.
All that said, this piece is not faultless. I was jarred out of immersion by a very early repetition of "speck", which upset me primarily because the writing was so strong up to that point that I didn't expect it. And I'm not wholly convinced by your second-to-last paragraph: this is where I really wish there were at least more toying with the idea of danger, and of underestimating it. Simply thinking about how it could kill her doesn't quite cut it for me, and a single scowl leans a little too strongly on the showy side of things for the reader to know if this was a (mistakenly) thought-through decision, or a heat-of-the-moment reaction. Haze makes a good point about the ending: the "And" construction here seems a little too weak to use as a concluding remark.
Still, despite my relatively few qualms, this is a very strong piece. I found it mesmerisingly beautiful and thoroughly engaging. Well done, author. I liked this a lot.
See >>Icenrose for essentially my thoughts. I think there is something here, but it needs to be developed.
The timing is fine, the story reads fine, but I'm getting a feeling of disconnect here because the setting doesn't quite mesh with the setup for me. I get that it is supposed to be absurd in its own way, but something about holding a public event to air out a close friends' private affairs doesn't seem like something Dash would do. The whole time, I was assuming that she was going to lament to the world that she finally lost at a competition or something, but instead I think the joke went too out there for it to feel like she would do that. Also, why would Applejack show up to this when she already knew what was going to happen?
I will never understand why, to some, "open endings" are a bad thing or mean that the story isn't complete. I thought this ending was great! Very ominous. Looking deeper, there is also a more profound implication for earth pony strength, especially those earth ponies who actually do work with earth and vegetation. It almost implies that a major aspect of their magic is becoming obsolete.
With all that said, the story didn't really catch me until near the end. I got the implication that all of the farmers were beginning to use the cider squeezy contraption, but the implications didn't feel weighted or emotional until the end.
With all that said, the story didn't really catch me until near the end. I got the implication that all of the farmers were beginning to use the cider squeezy contraption, but the implications didn't feel weighted or emotional until the end.
Hmm. This one was an odd read for me, and I think it's solely because I don't really care for changelings or LyraBon (I have no idea what is called. Bonra?). Don't get me wrong, I liked the story for its solid theme and followthrough, but the subject matter just wasn't my cup of tea. Also, I found "Doubt crept into Lyra's indignation" a rather odd turn of phrase. But perhaps that's just me.
Lots of people have talked about "show, don't tell" above me. I want to expand on that a little, and talk about what exactly is going wrong with the telling in this piece, because I actually think in a lot of places here it's not the choice of telling over showing that's let you down, but the way in which you've told things. Let's take an example sentence from near the start and break it down, shall we?
I can't remember who it was who said this, but a while ago I was having a discussion with some writeoffers and someone said they always tried to avoid present participles because they found them weaker than alternative phrasings in almost every case. I strongly disagree with that advice—I think present participles are an important part of writing, and should be used a lot more often than that advice suggests—but I do think that the "holding" clause in this sentence is a fantastic example of a really weak present participle. For a start, it takes the object of the main clause ("her friend's shoulder") out of that clause, which certainly isn't wrong but weakens the impact of the main clause. This is particularly problematic in that there doesn't seem to be any reason for that subclause to be there! The sentence would lose no real meaning as "Rainbow Dash gave Sunset's shoulder a squeeze..." (though in this instance I'd advise an adjective for "squeeze"—without that clause the sentence seems a little empty) and by removing the clause we make the real focus of the sentence clear and allow the intimacy of the moment to shine.
This is very important, because if there's one thing this entry consistently fails to achieve, it is the depiction of intimacy. In the sentence above, for example, the subclause is fairly lacking in emotion, and takes a great deal of the impact away from the scene. Another sentence with a related issue would be "Sunset did a double take." I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I am really not a fan of that sentence, wherever it appears and whoever is the subject of it. There's something awfully clunky about its phrasing, and the way the lack of an actual verb for double takes forces us to use the awful construction "[noun] did [noun describing action]" (a construction which, to me, seems almost impossible to make sound good, and I think I'd only ever consider using it with a deliberately childlike narrator). It's constructions like these that come across as unnecessarily telly, and I think that the best option is to try to avoid them wherever possible.
The other thing I really want to talk about can be pretty aptly summed up in the first paragraph:
Let's start with that last sentence. The first two clauses are both main clauses. Independent main clauses should not be separated by only a comma! The act of doing this is called "comma splicing", which I didn't actually know until today was stricly defined by using a comma to separate two independent clauses rather than (as I'd always thought) "using a comma in place of a semicolon", though I guess those two are technically the same thing. Anyway, yeah. Comma splicing. Don't do that.
Now let's jump back to the end of that first sentence. Gramatically speaking, I can't see anything wrong with what you've done—there's no strict reason for that first clause to be dependent on the second sentence, so it's an independent clause and you can have it as a standalone sentence. But it really doesn't seem that way—without the second sentence to clarify, the first sentence is almost entirely meaningless. For this reason, I strongly recommend the use of a colon to join the two, because that's pretty much what colons are meant to be used for.
The reason I'm highlighting these two issues is simple: throughout this piece, there are quite a few occasions where the connections between your clauses don't quite work, for reasons similar to the above. That's not good! It can be really jarring to a reader, but it also confuses the meaning of your sentences because the way clauses connect and interact is just as important to understanding their meaning as the clauses themselves. I'm sorry if I've spent quite a while talking about this, but I felt these were two points that really needed a closer examination.
So let's finish this off with the positives, because I've been a terrible person and just yelled at you about grammar for six paragraphs without even talking about your content! For a start, I agree with some of the comments about this as a good character piece—I loved what you've done with EG!Rainbow's past, and the overall feel of the piece had a good Sunset tone. It was a sweet moment that would have benefited a lot from a more intimate tone, but did a good job regardless. With a little bit of spring-cleaning, this could be quite a fantastic piece!
Rainbow Dash, holding onto her friend’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze while silently motion for the others to give them some privacy.
I can't remember who it was who said this, but a while ago I was having a discussion with some writeoffers and someone said they always tried to avoid present participles because they found them weaker than alternative phrasings in almost every case. I strongly disagree with that advice—I think present participles are an important part of writing, and should be used a lot more often than that advice suggests—but I do think that the "holding" clause in this sentence is a fantastic example of a really weak present participle. For a start, it takes the object of the main clause ("her friend's shoulder") out of that clause, which certainly isn't wrong but weakens the impact of the main clause. This is particularly problematic in that there doesn't seem to be any reason for that subclause to be there! The sentence would lose no real meaning as "Rainbow Dash gave Sunset's shoulder a squeeze..." (though in this instance I'd advise an adjective for "squeeze"—without that clause the sentence seems a little empty) and by removing the clause we make the real focus of the sentence clear and allow the intimacy of the moment to shine.
This is very important, because if there's one thing this entry consistently fails to achieve, it is the depiction of intimacy. In the sentence above, for example, the subclause is fairly lacking in emotion, and takes a great deal of the impact away from the scene. Another sentence with a related issue would be "Sunset did a double take." I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I am really not a fan of that sentence, wherever it appears and whoever is the subject of it. There's something awfully clunky about its phrasing, and the way the lack of an actual verb for double takes forces us to use the awful construction "[noun] did [noun describing action]" (a construction which, to me, seems almost impossible to make sound good, and I think I'd only ever consider using it with a deliberately childlike narrator). It's constructions like these that come across as unnecessarily telly, and I think that the best option is to try to avoid them wherever possible.
The other thing I really want to talk about can be pretty aptly summed up in the first paragraph:
The brilliant Sunset Shimmer had done it again. She’d let her inner demons take a hold of her, spark that fire within her, and she’d gotten someone burned. This world’s Twilight was no magical princess, she was just an ordinary girl, now running scared and crying because of the flames Sunset spewed.
Let's start with that last sentence. The first two clauses are both main clauses. Independent main clauses should not be separated by only a comma! The act of doing this is called "comma splicing", which I didn't actually know until today was stricly defined by using a comma to separate two independent clauses rather than (as I'd always thought) "using a comma in place of a semicolon", though I guess those two are technically the same thing. Anyway, yeah. Comma splicing. Don't do that.
Now let's jump back to the end of that first sentence. Gramatically speaking, I can't see anything wrong with what you've done—there's no strict reason for that first clause to be dependent on the second sentence, so it's an independent clause and you can have it as a standalone sentence. But it really doesn't seem that way—without the second sentence to clarify, the first sentence is almost entirely meaningless. For this reason, I strongly recommend the use of a colon to join the two, because that's pretty much what colons are meant to be used for.
The reason I'm highlighting these two issues is simple: throughout this piece, there are quite a few occasions where the connections between your clauses don't quite work, for reasons similar to the above. That's not good! It can be really jarring to a reader, but it also confuses the meaning of your sentences because the way clauses connect and interact is just as important to understanding their meaning as the clauses themselves. I'm sorry if I've spent quite a while talking about this, but I felt these were two points that really needed a closer examination.
So let's finish this off with the positives, because I've been a terrible person and just yelled at you about grammar for six paragraphs without even talking about your content! For a start, I agree with some of the comments about this as a good character piece—I loved what you've done with EG!Rainbow's past, and the overall feel of the piece had a good Sunset tone. It was a sweet moment that would have benefited a lot from a more intimate tone, but did a good job regardless. With a little bit of spring-cleaning, this could be quite a fantastic piece!
This was okay. By the end, the typos seemed to be popping up every few seconds though. Hmm. It felt like it was missing a few elements to make it a story. The meat of the writing was just Gilda and Limestone being angry at each other. Nothing else besides that really happened. Then the last line made it feel like there was more to come. If you were going for an open ended ending, I think perhaps talking about Gilda's emotional connection to Griffinstone might help the 'Soon she'd find out," feel like more of an ending since we would already feel connected to what she's connected to. I don't know if that is clear in the slightest. Probably not.
I'm having one of those moments of cognitive dissonance that others seem to get when a pony story pops up during an original fic round. To what extent is this really a pony story? Swap hooves for hands and rename them to Donna and Susan and this scans 100% as a short original piece.
That being said, I'll echo what >>TitaniumDragon said about the reversal coming much too quickly. My biggest issue there is that it undermines the doctor's already limited (due to story length) character development. It's a shame, because otherwise the piece does a good job of selling the doctor's internal conflict.
That being said, I'll echo what >>TitaniumDragon said about the reversal coming much too quickly. My biggest issue there is that it undermines the doctor's already limited (due to story length) character development. It's a shame, because otherwise the piece does a good job of selling the doctor's internal conflict.
>>theigi
The problem I had was that no insight was provided into what AJ was thinking at the end. She showed no signs of worry, or relief, or stress, or sadness, or anything at all. I'd like to know how she feels, and the author refuses to tell me.
I think this story'd be perfect if it weren't for the fact that we don't get to see any signs of how AJ feels.
The problem I had was that no insight was provided into what AJ was thinking at the end. She showed no signs of worry, or relief, or stress, or sadness, or anything at all. I'd like to know how she feels, and the author refuses to tell me.
I think this story'd be perfect if it weren't for the fact that we don't get to see any signs of how AJ feels.
I assume that the bird is a metaphor for something (probably death?), but I'm at a loss to guess. If the bird isn't a metaphor, I don't understand what the story is supposed to do. The contrast between the lighthearted youth's flights of fancy and his sire's grimness is too strong to allow either element to shine through as the purpose of the story, so you're not making a cohesive statement (again, unless the bird is some sort of metaphor I missed).
The beginning is super-confusing because you never mention Tossed's full name, so it sounds like the potato he just put in his pail is suddenly alive and talking.
Taters can't reverberate. You probably meant "the sound reverberating".
Horse Jesus, author. I'm not sure I buy an Equestria where starvation is common, given the prolific nature of earth ponies and unicorn magic. Earth ponies in particular should be less sensitive to food shortages because they control all the food (even though I presume they also eat most of it).
Also, "Ah" is a tempting way to put in an accent, but it isn't a good one (I used to do that too). Think about how the pony would write their own words on paper, and try to limit yourself to an accent you can portray that way. He isn't saying "ah" but "I", so "I" should be the word you use.
The beginning is super-confusing because you never mention Tossed's full name, so it sounds like the potato he just put in his pail is suddenly alive and talking.
Taters can't reverberate. You probably meant "the sound reverberating".
Winter’s gonna be mighty harsh this year, and Ah don’t want to be diggin’ no graves for any mah chilren because we didn’t have enough food.
Horse Jesus, author. I'm not sure I buy an Equestria where starvation is common, given the prolific nature of earth ponies and unicorn magic. Earth ponies in particular should be less sensitive to food shortages because they control all the food (even though I presume they also eat most of it).
Also, "Ah" is a tempting way to put in an accent, but it isn't a good one (I used to do that too). Think about how the pony would write their own words on paper, and try to limit yourself to an accent you can portray that way. He isn't saying "ah" but "I", so "I" should be the word you use.
>>Trick_Question This perfectly encapsulates how felt about the story, but I'll also add:
"Will Pumpernickel return? Will Daring be crushed by the terrible trap? Tune in next week to find out!"
Apologies if that sounds snarky. I mean that without a bit more development, the questions left open seem weak, leaving me feel about them almost how I might while listening to an old radio thriiler show. There's some tension and possible anticipation, but not enough to fully engage me.
"Will Pumpernickel return? Will Daring be crushed by the terrible trap? Tune in next week to find out!"
Apologies if that sounds snarky. I mean that without a bit more development, the questions left open seem weak, leaving me feel about them almost how I might while listening to an old radio thriiler show. There's some tension and possible anticipation, but not enough to fully engage me.
>>Trick_Question
I suspect it is a literal psychopomp, not a metaphor, but this is an unsubstantiated hypothesis deriving more from the tone, the fact that it waited 'till the night and the prompt than anything I can get from the text itself.
I suspect it is a literal psychopomp, not a metaphor, but this is an unsubstantiated hypothesis deriving more from the tone, the fact that it waited 'till the night and the prompt than anything I can get from the text itself.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah. I do think it works for this story, but it still seems odd to me. And it's not like I didn't like this story. I'm halfway through my slate, and this one's currently sitting at the top.
No, but it would have been more amusing. But I suppose this isn't supposed to be a comedy.
Yeah. I do think it works for this story, but it still seems odd to me. And it's not like I didn't like this story. I'm halfway through my slate, and this one's currently sitting at the top.
No, but it would have been more amusing. But I suppose this isn't supposed to be a comedy.
This certainly isn't a novel idea, but it does a good job of presenting it's message, and it's fairly entertaining. This will probably stay near the top of my slate.
I fear this one goes in my "wat" pile. The opening seemed to tell a story about telling a story, which is dangerous ground at the best of times; but then we got pulled into the story already in progress, and then... surprise time travel happened because reasons?
All that aside, I do really like the moments where our narrator mentions having gems on it in his mind. It feels like a subtle but strong way to characterize the way he might think about the world.
All that aside, I do really like the moments where our narrator mentions having gems on it in his mind. It feels like a subtle but strong way to characterize the way he might think about the world.
“Rainbow Dash … ink stains giving her the appearance of a deep, navy moustache.” → I understand that ink stains make RD look like a moustache. Is that what you mean?
“Spike flumped into an armchair beside her, all tiredness suddenly vanished from his expression because dammit I've only got five minutes to go, I can't keep track of all this character business!” → So you go meta at two different levels?
Well, okay, that was somewhat fun, but it was mostly clichéd. Rainbow Dash as a poor writer, Spike as a sloth…
A fireplace in a library. Geez, I hope you’ve a fire station very near! :P
“Spike flumped into an armchair beside her, all tiredness suddenly vanished from his expression because dammit I've only got five minutes to go, I can't keep track of all this character business!” → So you go meta at two different levels?
Well, okay, that was somewhat fun, but it was mostly clichéd. Rainbow Dash as a poor writer, Spike as a sloth…
A fireplace in a library. Geez, I hope you’ve a fire station very near! :P
Okay, I can't let this one go. I did some research to try to discover if the kind of bird was relevant.
I can't find any 2' tall bird with a 5' wingspan, much less a white one: that wingspan is very large for that height. From an evolutionary perspective, as best I can determine it would have to be some sort of mid-sized seabird to have those proportions (which would support the color as well). But if that's the case, you wouldn't expect to see a bird like that inland on a hot day, so it doesn't make much sense.
I suppose it could be a flamingo with one-inch legs. :V I'm still lost on what this story is about.
I can't find any 2' tall bird with a 5' wingspan, much less a white one: that wingspan is very large for that height. From an evolutionary perspective, as best I can determine it would have to be some sort of mid-sized seabird to have those proportions (which would support the color as well). But if that's the case, you wouldn't expect to see a bird like that inland on a hot day, so it doesn't make much sense.
I suppose it could be a flamingo with one-inch legs. :V I'm still lost on what this story is about.
>>Orbiting_kettle
If it's a psychopomp, then somepony should have died. I don't see any evidence that happened. The fact that it finally headed toward Ponyville seems relevant, but I can't figure that out either.
If it's a psychopomp, then somepony should have died. I don't see any evidence that happened. The fact that it finally headed toward Ponyville seems relevant, but I can't figure that out either.
This is a first: a 450-word story that runs too long. You could have told this feghoot in 100 words, and adding excessive dialogue wasn't the right way to pad it. If you'd described action and scenery it could have worked, though, so it could be saved by less reliance on talking. Show us what Dash is doing in more detail, show Pinkie's approach, add some tension between the characters, and don't have them literally come out and say "it's like Tank dies" multiple times—come up with a less direct way to give the reader that impression.
I think this story rambled a little too much. It has a strong ending, but Thunderlane's thoughts are kind of disorganized, and it isn't clear why he does this every night—why does he always give up on his dreams the next day? We see the building of resolve, but we don't see what ruins it later or the logic behind that.
It seems strange to me that there's no mention of resident astronomer Twilight Sparkle. Why hasn't Thunderlane talked to her? It's almost as bad as if you'd written a Ponyville story about a pony that wanted to be a fashion designer but didn't mention Rarity anywhere. Even a line about why he's afraid to talk to a princess or something would fix that.
That he was what? :V (Try removing the "that", and since everything is 'he thought' you don't even need that part.) There are a few awkward constructions like this, such as the first sentence whose dangling tacked-on clause at the end doesn't match the previous clause.
An example of too much tell: the second half of this sentence. You can show us that tonight is no different without telling us what to expect in advance.
Separately, you have novae and supernovae confused. A nova is not the death of a star, it's an interaction between two stars that repeats.
It seems strange to me that there's no mention of resident astronomer Twilight Sparkle. Why hasn't Thunderlane talked to her? It's almost as bad as if you'd written a Ponyville story about a pony that wanted to be a fashion designer but didn't mention Rarity anywhere. Even a line about why he's afraid to talk to a princess or something would fix that.
So insignificant that he was, he thought.
That he was what? :V (Try removing the "that", and since everything is 'he thought' you don't even need that part.) There are a few awkward constructions like this, such as the first sentence whose dangling tacked-on clause at the end doesn't match the previous clause.
Thoughts of his dreams often turned sour, and tonight was no different.
An example of too much tell: the second half of this sentence. You can show us that tonight is no different without telling us what to expect in advance.
Separately, you have novae and supernovae confused. A nova is not the death of a star, it's an interaction between two stars that repeats.
so far this fic has the smallest share of comments.
I like the opening of this story. first few paragraphs do a nicely balanced job of telling me the who where when why.
but when it gets to the main slice of the story, it's hrmm... I understand why, but I'm not really feeling it. to be honest, it feels kinda generic to me. the writing is great, nice descriptions and pacing, and I like the overall message. but I'm not connecting with the emotional core of the story.
the epilogue is okay, but I feel like it's redundant. take it away, and the story still has its "silver lining" happy ending
minor nitpicks: was it really about timing? it's lucky Rainbow Dash happened to be in town in the first place, and knew where to find Fluttershy. she's not living in Ponyville yet; she was apparently there only to take care of business, not exactly a casual day for oversleeping. it's a little confusing, but not a big deal. just some stuff you might want to flesh out if you revise this.
I like the opening of this story. first few paragraphs do a nicely balanced job of telling me the who where when why.
but when it gets to the main slice of the story, it's hrmm... I understand why, but I'm not really feeling it. to be honest, it feels kinda generic to me. the writing is great, nice descriptions and pacing, and I like the overall message. but I'm not connecting with the emotional core of the story.
the epilogue is okay, but I feel like it's redundant. take it away, and the story still has its "silver lining" happy ending
minor nitpicks: was it really about timing? it's lucky Rainbow Dash happened to be in town in the first place, and knew where to find Fluttershy. she's not living in Ponyville yet; she was apparently there only to take care of business, not exactly a casual day for oversleeping. it's a little confusing, but not a big deal. just some stuff you might want to flesh out if you revise this.
I saw the ending coming, but I don't think it makes any sense. Why would Apple Bloom worry about her sister "tanning her hide" if she knows she's dead? Also, why are their older sisters standing in the attic, of all places? Why are they looking at the CMC? Why did Apple Bloom need to dig herself out of the gully if she's a ghost? How would they even be able to tell their sisters? I can't even figure out what they would tell them, just admit fault, which should already be obvious? Why would you say last physical contact if that's impossible already? How could their sisters possibly keep them separated? I'm so confused!
Am I totally missing what the ending is saying? It sounds like everypony else saw the same thing I did, but nopony was completely confused by how none of the pieces fit. Somepony help me out here, please. I really don't get it. How does this make any sense at all?! ^@.@^
That said, writing stuff follows. You toggle between "Ah" and "I", and "Ah" isn't a good approach to expressing an accent. Try to write as though the character with the accent is writing down their own words: they're saying "I", not "ah", so that's what you should write.
This would mean that each cushion is both dark and light. I think you mean "one white, one black" (also be more specific than 'dark' and 'light' if you want to describe them).
This is too telly. A character might say this, but the narrator shouldn't.
Am I totally missing what the ending is saying? It sounds like everypony else saw the same thing I did, but nopony was completely confused by how none of the pieces fit. Somepony help me out here, please. I really don't get it. How does this make any sense at all?! ^@.@^
That said, writing stuff follows. You toggle between "Ah" and "I", and "Ah" isn't a good approach to expressing an accent. Try to write as though the character with the accent is writing down their own words: they're saying "I", not "ah", so that's what you should write.
both dark and light
This would mean that each cushion is both dark and light. I think you mean "one white, one black" (also be more specific than 'dark' and 'light' if you want to describe them).
most likely the last physical contact they would get with each other for the rest of their lives
This is too telly. A character might say this, but the narrator shouldn't.
>>Trick_Question
As said, this is almost unsubstantiated speculation BUT the bird waits and then leaves in the middle of the night at a seemingly random time, and it had me thinking of a crane who sometimes are psychopomps. I was also convinced that potato harvesting time was in fall, which could indicate that Tater is ill as he complains about the heat, but I read a bit about the right harvesting time and it has more to do with when they were planted than with anything else, which throws that clue out of the window.
As I said, it's mostly an idle theory thrown there because I can't seem to grasp the right key to read the story.
As said, this is almost unsubstantiated speculation BUT the bird waits and then leaves in the middle of the night at a seemingly random time, and it had me thinking of a crane who sometimes are psychopomps. I was also convinced that potato harvesting time was in fall, which could indicate that Tater is ill as he complains about the heat, but I read a bit about the right harvesting time and it has more to do with when they were planted than with anything else, which throws that clue out of the window.
As I said, it's mostly an idle theory thrown there because I can't seem to grasp the right key to read the story.
>>Orbiting_kettle
Yeah, I don't buy that mainly because he ran right back to the house for the dinner bell and showed no signs of illness, unless he hallucinated the bird, which would contradict the theory about it being a psychopomp.
Yeah, I don't buy that mainly because he ran right back to the house for the dinner bell and showed no signs of illness, unless he hallucinated the bird, which would contradict the theory about it being a psychopomp.
>>Trick_Question
Yeah, you're totally missing it. The CMC aren't dead at all. Everyone thinks they're dead because the rocket sled they were on crashed and exploded, but they had fallen off of it before that. And now they're hiding in the attack and afraid to tell anyone that they're actually alive because they'll get in trouble. But their sisters find them in the end anyway.
Yeah, you're totally missing it. The CMC aren't dead at all. Everyone thinks they're dead because the rocket sled they were on crashed and exploded, but they had fallen off of it before that. And now they're hiding in the attack and afraid to tell anyone that they're actually alive because they'll get in trouble. But their sisters find them in the end anyway.
Unlike many commenters here, I think this worked just fine, and it made perfect sense. The reversal could have been a little bit smoother, so I'd rework the last paragraph. I agree with >>The_Letter_J that it would work better with canon characters than OC's, because in a piece this short we don't have enough of a chance to learn about the characters. The reader won't feel much at the end if you use OC's in a minific about this kind of thing.
I read this as "rain-soaked". You need "the" before "hospital" for it to make sense.
as the rain soaked hospital grounds.
I read this as "rain-soaked". You need "the" before "hospital" for it to make sense.
For the most part I haven't picked on specific phrasing in this Writeoff, but there's some clunkiness in this story that makes me want to. E.g.,
It's like a joke about their faces, and glaring, because faces. *twitch*
The last couple of lines also spoil what I felt could have been a more poignant conclusion. I had some early trepidation about dismissiveness toward Pinkie during the opening hayburger part, and for me her decision to get super-kooky again at the end seemed similarly dismissive.
But with all that said, I like this. I feel it's an emotionally satisfying treatment of a tough topic, and it largely feels consistent with the tone of the characters and show. Even its depiction of Pinkie feels about right through the middle. It's the kind of story that I'm inclined to pick on because I think it has a lot of strength and merit and I think it could easily become even stronger with some tweaking.
Keep it up, author.
in the face of their glares
It's like a joke about their faces, and glaring, because faces. *twitch*
The last couple of lines also spoil what I felt could have been a more poignant conclusion. I had some early trepidation about dismissiveness toward Pinkie during the opening hayburger part, and for me her decision to get super-kooky again at the end seemed similarly dismissive.
But with all that said, I like this. I feel it's an emotionally satisfying treatment of a tough topic, and it largely feels consistent with the tone of the characters and show. Even its depiction of Pinkie feels about right through the middle. It's the kind of story that I'm inclined to pick on because I think it has a lot of strength and merit and I think it could easily become even stronger with some tweaking.
Keep it up, author.
This is a cute story, and most of my comments are picky.
The title makes no sense at all. Unless you're referencing Lola, Come Dancing, or You Really Got Me, nopony is going to know which song you're referring to. The Kinks have a large discography but those are the only three songs known internationally (and the three most well-known here in the US).
I'm not sure I buy Larson, Libman, and DeLancie having that much of a close relationship.
I call shenanigans. Nopony can vomit while thinking about it in that much detail. She seems totally calm and placid like she's yawning rather than vomiting. It is not a realistic emesis.
This is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Don't use a reference to tell us she's a voice artist. (Also it should be voice artist or voice actress.)
Sweat cools you down. It isn't hot, it's cool. Where is this hot liquid coming from? Why say "hot liquid" when you can tell us what you really mean?
The title makes no sense at all. Unless you're referencing Lola, Come Dancing, or You Really Got Me, nopony is going to know which song you're referring to. The Kinks have a large discography but those are the only three songs known internationally (and the three most well-known here in the US).
I'm not sure I buy Larson, Libman, and DeLancie having that much of a close relationship.
And maybe, she chided herself as powerful stomach contractions sent said stomach's contents into the sink before her, I shouldn't have washed it down with so much vodka.
I call shenanigans. Nopony can vomit while thinking about it in that much detail. She seems totally calm and placid like she's yawning rather than vomiting. It is not a realistic emesis.
the discomposed voice actor
This is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Don't use a reference to tell us she's a voice artist. (Also it should be voice artist or voice actress.)
Andrea felt hot liquid caress her face
Sweat cools you down. It isn't hot, it's cool. Where is this hot liquid coming from? Why say "hot liquid" when you can tell us what you really mean?
I'd work in more conflict. even though it's a fluffy little piece, you can get more payoff at the end -- more cute heartwarming d'awwws -- if it doesn't feel like "well, that was too easy"
for example, if the point of view followed the singer, you could focus on her nervousness and self-doubts. if Octavia, perhaps the story would explore her pessimism, then her shock at being proven wrong. but since this story decided to follow Lyra and her overconfidence, you should try to challenge that confidence. maybe she watches the audience and mistakenly assumes they dislike the show, and she thinks she made a mistake. or let's say Lyra's performance afterwards is the one that turns out badly.
there's lots of possibilities. add the right kind of suspense, and the story will feel like it's moving forward, rather than standing still.
for example, if the point of view followed the singer, you could focus on her nervousness and self-doubts. if Octavia, perhaps the story would explore her pessimism, then her shock at being proven wrong. but since this story decided to follow Lyra and her overconfidence, you should try to challenge that confidence. maybe she watches the audience and mistakenly assumes they dislike the show, and she thinks she made a mistake. or let's say Lyra's performance afterwards is the one that turns out badly.
there's lots of possibilities. add the right kind of suspense, and the story will feel like it's moving forward, rather than standing still.
>>CoffeeMinion
I suspect this is another one that smells like wolf, but alas, no.
I think I'm likely to squeak by with a mask this time around, even though I authored three stories. :V
I suspect this is another one that smells like wolf, but alas, no.
I think I'm likely to squeak by with a mask this time around, even though I authored three stories. :V
I think it's very odd that Sunset wouldn't know that Rainbow is a pegasus and just tell her that. Surely she'd be able to infer it from her wings and the fact she isn't a princess, and Twilight's almost certainly told all of them about their doubles by now, but at the very least she'd tell Sunset because they're canon pen pals.
Apart from that, I don't have any suggestions.
Apart from that, I don't have any suggestions.
This is a cute story, but not much happens in it. You can sum up the entire story in twenty words without losing anything. I think you could add more to this that would bring out the feels. Also, the ending isn't super-funny, so it comes off as Pinkie being annoying more than chuckle terrain.
>>Trick_Question
sweat is hot. but uh, a person sweating wouldn't notice it being hot, because it's their own body heat being released. so it's still a clumsy phrase.
unless Pinkie splashed her face with tea.
Sweat cools you down. It isn't hot, it's cool. Where is this hot liquid coming from?
sweat is hot. but uh, a person sweating wouldn't notice it being hot, because it's their own body heat being released. so it's still a clumsy phrase.
unless Pinkie splashed her face with tea.