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Funeral for a Friend
“Don’t see why we’re even botherin’ with this,” Applejack said, squirming within the confines of her black suit. Her mane felt cold in the air, her classic hat absent for this occasion.
“Because this is clearly important to our friends,” Rarity replied. Her eyes glanced across, to Twilight Sparkle, who was wearing her royal regalia. And clearly suffering from it, going by her constant fidgeting. “At least, some of them.”
Applejack snorted. “Whole bunch of hooey if you ask me. Waste of our time.”
A loud cough cut in any attempt to continue the conversation and all eyes turned to Pinkie, stood before a simple wooden podium. Standing on it, surrounded by flowers in the colors of the rainbow, was a picture of their friend, Rainbow Dash. Her wings were spread out, a cocky grin on her face. Clearly, a frozen memory of her in the lust of her life.
“Thank you all for coming, everypony,” Pinkie spoke, her voice surprisingly low-key. She gazed over her four pony ensemble, failing to notice Rarity giving Applejack a sly swatting and Fluttershy’s noticeably dry hoofkerchief, almost slipping from her grasp.
“What can we say about our friend, Rainbow Dash? Too many things, especially for a simple ceremony like this. Above all, she was our best friend but she was also a loyal companion, a brave hero, a natural performer, a stunning athlete, a—” Pinkie narrowed her eyes, looking past her grey veil and staring at a small card, “—the most super awesome coolest pony in history ever and the universe and don’t you forget it.”
In perfect synchronisation, there was a rolling of the eyes from Applejack and Rarity.
“But I’m not the one most qualified to talk about Dashie. For that, I hand it over to the pony who knew her best. Somepony who needs no introduction.” And just like that, Pinkie walked away from the podium.
“Here we go…” Applejack mumbled.
“Er, hey everypony. Thanks for being here,” Rainbow Dash said, stepping up to the podium. “So, uh, recently my life changed in a dramatic way. Something happened to me that changed me forever and, honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever see the world in the same way again.”
Rarity could feel Applejack’s growing ire and moved to place a calming hoof on her. Before she made contact, however, the farmer had already stood up and cried, “Ya ain’t even dead! This is crazy!”
“Shush!” Pinkie scolded, pointing a hoof at Applejack. “You’ll get your turn to make a speech!”
She wanted to argue but the pressuring glower of Pinkie Pie made her back down.
“Thanks, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, nodding at her. She then cleared her throat and proceeded. “So, well, the other day I wandered over to Carasoul Boutique, since I was like: ‘hey, maybe Rarity could use a break from her heavy workload’. Or something.”
Rarity’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “She’s not.”
“You get why I wanted to take my hat now?” Applejack replied, covering her eyes.
“I knock on her door but she doesn’t respond,” Rainbow explained. “So I get kinda worried. Door’s open, so I fly right on in and call out for her. Still nothing. S-So I go upstairs and…”
Pinkie approached Dash, patting her on the back gently. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
“I’m good, I’m good,” Rainbow replied after a breath. “Right, so I’m upstairs… I open up Rarity’s room and…”
She bit her lip, hesitating. Then she suddenly jumped onto the podium, knocking over her picture, and cried accusingly at Applejack, “Why was an apple strapped around your mouth, AJ?! Why wouldn’t Rarity let you eat the apple! What’s wrong with her?! What’s wrong with the both of you!”
“Rainbow…” Applejack said slowly, Rarity having vanished behind her hooves. “We told you, it was jus’ a bit of fun—”
“So getting strapped up like, like some dog getting taken for a walk is your idea of fun?!” Rainbow shouted. “Was the apple just a placeholder for the bone?!”
The soothing sounds of Pinkie shushing calmed Rainbow enough to bring her back behind the podium, the earth pony rubbing small circles on her back. “At ease, child. At ease.”
Carefully urging Rainbow to the side, Pinkie took to the podium again, gesturing at the distressed form of Dash. “A two minute silence, if you’d please, for the death of Dashie’s innocence.” She closed her eyes and brought her forehooves together. “Truly, one of life’s greatest injustices.”
“Because this is clearly important to our friends,” Rarity replied. Her eyes glanced across, to Twilight Sparkle, who was wearing her royal regalia. And clearly suffering from it, going by her constant fidgeting. “At least, some of them.”
Applejack snorted. “Whole bunch of hooey if you ask me. Waste of our time.”
A loud cough cut in any attempt to continue the conversation and all eyes turned to Pinkie, stood before a simple wooden podium. Standing on it, surrounded by flowers in the colors of the rainbow, was a picture of their friend, Rainbow Dash. Her wings were spread out, a cocky grin on her face. Clearly, a frozen memory of her in the lust of her life.
“Thank you all for coming, everypony,” Pinkie spoke, her voice surprisingly low-key. She gazed over her four pony ensemble, failing to notice Rarity giving Applejack a sly swatting and Fluttershy’s noticeably dry hoofkerchief, almost slipping from her grasp.
“What can we say about our friend, Rainbow Dash? Too many things, especially for a simple ceremony like this. Above all, she was our best friend but she was also a loyal companion, a brave hero, a natural performer, a stunning athlete, a—” Pinkie narrowed her eyes, looking past her grey veil and staring at a small card, “—the most super awesome coolest pony in history ever and the universe and don’t you forget it.”
In perfect synchronisation, there was a rolling of the eyes from Applejack and Rarity.
“But I’m not the one most qualified to talk about Dashie. For that, I hand it over to the pony who knew her best. Somepony who needs no introduction.” And just like that, Pinkie walked away from the podium.
“Here we go…” Applejack mumbled.
“Er, hey everypony. Thanks for being here,” Rainbow Dash said, stepping up to the podium. “So, uh, recently my life changed in a dramatic way. Something happened to me that changed me forever and, honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever see the world in the same way again.”
Rarity could feel Applejack’s growing ire and moved to place a calming hoof on her. Before she made contact, however, the farmer had already stood up and cried, “Ya ain’t even dead! This is crazy!”
“Shush!” Pinkie scolded, pointing a hoof at Applejack. “You’ll get your turn to make a speech!”
She wanted to argue but the pressuring glower of Pinkie Pie made her back down.
“Thanks, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, nodding at her. She then cleared her throat and proceeded. “So, well, the other day I wandered over to Carasoul Boutique, since I was like: ‘hey, maybe Rarity could use a break from her heavy workload’. Or something.”
Rarity’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “She’s not.”
“You get why I wanted to take my hat now?” Applejack replied, covering her eyes.
“I knock on her door but she doesn’t respond,” Rainbow explained. “So I get kinda worried. Door’s open, so I fly right on in and call out for her. Still nothing. S-So I go upstairs and…”
Pinkie approached Dash, patting her on the back gently. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
“I’m good, I’m good,” Rainbow replied after a breath. “Right, so I’m upstairs… I open up Rarity’s room and…”
She bit her lip, hesitating. Then she suddenly jumped onto the podium, knocking over her picture, and cried accusingly at Applejack, “Why was an apple strapped around your mouth, AJ?! Why wouldn’t Rarity let you eat the apple! What’s wrong with her?! What’s wrong with the both of you!”
“Rainbow…” Applejack said slowly, Rarity having vanished behind her hooves. “We told you, it was jus’ a bit of fun—”
“So getting strapped up like, like some dog getting taken for a walk is your idea of fun?!” Rainbow shouted. “Was the apple just a placeholder for the bone?!”
The soothing sounds of Pinkie shushing calmed Rainbow enough to bring her back behind the podium, the earth pony rubbing small circles on her back. “At ease, child. At ease.”
Carefully urging Rainbow to the side, Pinkie took to the podium again, gesturing at the distressed form of Dash. “A two minute silence, if you’d please, for the death of Dashie’s innocence.” She closed her eyes and brought her forehooves together. “Truly, one of life’s greatest injustices.”
A small part of Rainbow Dash has died forever, and the Mane Six hold a funeral for it.
This made me laugh. And not just because I’m a filthy RariJack shipper. Rainbow Dash making a scene over this was rather hilarious, and poor Applejack and Rarity having to sit through it was fun.
That said, I think this could be a lot funnier than it was. Rarity didn’t really do much here, and Rainbow Dash’s description/complaint/question could have been funnier than it was; while it was somewhat amusing, I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
This made me laugh. And not just because I’m a filthy RariJack shipper. Rainbow Dash making a scene over this was rather hilarious, and poor Applejack and Rarity having to sit through it was fun.
That said, I think this could be a lot funnier than it was. Rarity didn’t really do much here, and Rainbow Dash’s description/complaint/question could have been funnier than it was; while it was somewhat amusing, I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
I think Dashie's questioning from the podium isn't appropriate. Surely she would have asked questions like that before having a ceremony about it, and if they're having a ceremony the last thing she should want to do is start a debate. It would be much better if Dash monologued in a way that AJ couldn't respond to her instead of starting a confrontation in the middle of the thing.
I don't think this expression works.
I'm sure ponies will think I wrote this one too, but I didn't. I would have been far more descriptive. :V
in the lust of her life
I don't think this expression works.
I'm sure ponies will think I wrote this one too, but I didn't. I would have been far more descriptive. :V
>>Trick_Question
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories. :U
>>TitaniumDragon
I do want to see that other 4/10 here.
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories. :U
>>TitaniumDragon
I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
I do want to see that other 4/10 here.
Gonna have to side with the No Fun brigade on this one: I'm not finding much to complain about with the execution (though the funeral was too bait-and-switchy; the eulogy doesn't actually work with the situation as revealed), but the humor is a miss for me. My personal take was that it was too cruel on, well, pretty much everyone's parts: everyone's clearly humoring Dash and Pinkie, and then Dash picks a public fight, and there's some cringe humor that just leaves me wondering why the hell Rarity and Applejack agreed to attend in the first place, because the implication is pretty clear that they knew the purpose going in, and there is just nothing about how this situation was resolved that was mature on anyone's part, and I am not on board with that for a cheap gag. Sorry.
Tier: Misaimed
>>pterrorgrine
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
Tier: Misaimed
>>pterrorgrine
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories.
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
The timing is fine, the story reads fine, but I'm getting a feeling of disconnect here because the setting doesn't quite mesh with the setup for me. I get that it is supposed to be absurd in its own way, but something about holding a public event to air out a close friends' private affairs doesn't seem like something Dash would do. The whole time, I was assuming that she was going to lament to the world that she finally lost at a competition or something, but instead I think the joke went too out there for it to feel like she would do that. Also, why would Applejack show up to this when she already knew what was going to happen?
Cringey but funny. The setup could have made more sense, but there's good raw material here.
Don't have much to add to the discussion here: You gave me a good laugh at the punchline, but beyond that I feel pretty much the same as Horizon about this.
I'll say, though, that some of the grammar and a lot of the word choices and sentence structure seemed really odd, and the idea you're pushing in the second paragraph is mis-aimed. If Twilight had showed up in a wetsuit and snorkel, I'd know she was taking it less seriously (and by the end, I'd have fully appreciated her point) than if she was in her royal regalia, which is serious business for royalty, jah?
>>horizon
It's a long way off, but I'll be glad to shoot you a reminder when the next FiM minific rolls around. ;) We just need to hammer our votes at a seriously pervy-trollfic-encouraging prompt and make it so. To maintain reasonable doubt, you understand. :D
I'll say, though, that some of the grammar and a lot of the word choices and sentence structure seemed really odd, and the idea you're pushing in the second paragraph is mis-aimed. If Twilight had showed up in a wetsuit and snorkel, I'd know she was taking it less seriously (and by the end, I'd have fully appreciated her point) than if she was in her royal regalia, which is serious business for royalty, jah?
>>horizon
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
It's a long way off, but I'll be glad to shoot you a reminder when the next FiM minific rolls around. ;) We just need to hammer our votes at a seriously pervy-trollfic-encouraging prompt and make it so. To maintain reasonable doubt, you understand. :D
“Squirming within the confines of her black suit”? First, that sentence is really awkward, and I don't envision Applejack in a black suit, whatever the circumstances be. Some typos (“turned to Pinkie, stood…” there's a ‘who’ missing here).
Okay. I see why this one made it into the finals. You watched Pulp fiction before writing it, didn't you? Well, it's mildly funny, but it's a bit gross at the same time. While the suggested scene is crazy enough, the way you introduce it and the whole ceremony feel contrived and setup only to shoehorn into the prompt.
And then, well, I'm not into those sorts of fantasies, but what you suggest looks more like a scene between two stallions.
Anyway. Your story aims at being stupid, which it is, but I wish you raised the stupidity higher; here, as I say, I failed to understand the logic connecting the two events. I suggest you rewrite the ceremony in such a way that Rainbow is unaware she's the one being mourned, and PP tells the whole story instead.
Okay. I see why this one made it into the finals. You watched Pulp fiction before writing it, didn't you? Well, it's mildly funny, but it's a bit gross at the same time. While the suggested scene is crazy enough, the way you introduce it and the whole ceremony feel contrived and setup only to shoehorn into the prompt.
And then, well, I'm not into those sorts of fantasies, but what you suggest looks more like a scene between two stallions.
Anyway. Your story aims at being stupid, which it is, but I wish you raised the stupidity higher; here, as I say, I failed to understand the logic connecting the two events. I suggest you rewrite the ceremony in such a way that Rainbow is unaware she's the one being mourned, and PP tells the whole story instead.