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Wrong Turn
The parade opened with the marching band. Ponies on both sides of the road cheered, crates full of sparklers supplied the crowd with a steady flow of jubilation implements.
After the band came Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were red but she smiled. Behind her walked the other Equestrian Princesses, regal and elegant despite the colorful bedlam that had invaded the city.
Then came the coffin held up by a cadre of pegasi with satin bands. The Wonderbolts flew over, crisscrossing the sky with bright smoke trails.
Gargantuan floats followed, flowers and paper mache creating towering structures and hosting dancing ponies. Candies and other sweets were rained on partying ponies all around.
They stopped in the central square. The floats rolled around to form a rough circle. The largest one opened up and became a stage. The band climbed up on it and continued to play.
Food carts were set up and began to serve hungry ponies.
The day became night, foals were put to bed in a large tent full of pillows far from the confusion. Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines. The band was replaced by a pair of twins with DJ equipment.
Suggestively dressed stallions and mares appeared on the various smaller stages that had sprouted around the square. There was hollering, cheering and at least two almost-heart-failures.
Princess Twilight whirled around with Princess Celestia, both with bright blushing faces, their movements slightly uncoordinated.
From the roof of the town hall a dark figure observed the proceedings. A black cloak covered its features. It radiated a sense of thinness and unreality that was almost physically perceptible. The empty hood turned from side to the other.
Then it spoke, the words defined by subtraction and not by sound. "You are not an old and cranky business pony."
"Nope."
"And this is not Heartwarming Eve."
"Nuh-uh."
The figure turned to its side where a half transparent pink pony with a poofy mane floated. "This is slightly embarrassing. You didn't by any chance receive the visit of two other spirits before me, right?"
"Sorry but no."
"You could have told me you were the wrong pony."
"I didn't want to disappoint you, you were so grumpy and I thought that I maybe could cheer you up and help you and so I said to myself 'Why do not go along, it could be fun!' and so I..."
"Yes, yes, I get it. I don't understand how I could have made this mistake. I turned zorfward at the fifth tachionic coagulation and...."
"There was some kind timey-wimey cook up a few months ago. Twilight fixed it and we got a new friend, but I think it left a bit of a mess behind."
The figure raised a bony hoof and scratched its hood. "That may explain it." It sighed, a sound that could be roughly approximated as what one could hear listening to a mountain grinding down to become a desert. "Did you at least learn something from this or was it a wasted travel?"
"Well, I'll have to order far more Minoian juniper brandy, seems it's more popular than I thought. I'll also have to order more red candies for my glass coffin, there was a color imbalance. And I'll have to leave out the mimes, no idea what I will be thinking there. There are few more things I can improve here and there." Pinkie turned to the ephemeral figure. "So thank you a lot, now I can make it a even more bigger-better-funnier-squish the sadness-goodbye Pinkie party than before."
The spirit stared at the smiling pony and shrugged. "Eh, good enough."
After the band came Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were red but she smiled. Behind her walked the other Equestrian Princesses, regal and elegant despite the colorful bedlam that had invaded the city.
Then came the coffin held up by a cadre of pegasi with satin bands. The Wonderbolts flew over, crisscrossing the sky with bright smoke trails.
Gargantuan floats followed, flowers and paper mache creating towering structures and hosting dancing ponies. Candies and other sweets were rained on partying ponies all around.
They stopped in the central square. The floats rolled around to form a rough circle. The largest one opened up and became a stage. The band climbed up on it and continued to play.
Food carts were set up and began to serve hungry ponies.
The day became night, foals were put to bed in a large tent full of pillows far from the confusion. Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines. The band was replaced by a pair of twins with DJ equipment.
Suggestively dressed stallions and mares appeared on the various smaller stages that had sprouted around the square. There was hollering, cheering and at least two almost-heart-failures.
Princess Twilight whirled around with Princess Celestia, both with bright blushing faces, their movements slightly uncoordinated.
From the roof of the town hall a dark figure observed the proceedings. A black cloak covered its features. It radiated a sense of thinness and unreality that was almost physically perceptible. The empty hood turned from side to the other.
Then it spoke, the words defined by subtraction and not by sound. "You are not an old and cranky business pony."
"Nope."
"And this is not Heartwarming Eve."
"Nuh-uh."
The figure turned to its side where a half transparent pink pony with a poofy mane floated. "This is slightly embarrassing. You didn't by any chance receive the visit of two other spirits before me, right?"
"Sorry but no."
"You could have told me you were the wrong pony."
"I didn't want to disappoint you, you were so grumpy and I thought that I maybe could cheer you up and help you and so I said to myself 'Why do not go along, it could be fun!' and so I..."
"Yes, yes, I get it. I don't understand how I could have made this mistake. I turned zorfward at the fifth tachionic coagulation and...."
"There was some kind timey-wimey cook up a few months ago. Twilight fixed it and we got a new friend, but I think it left a bit of a mess behind."
The figure raised a bony hoof and scratched its hood. "That may explain it." It sighed, a sound that could be roughly approximated as what one could hear listening to a mountain grinding down to become a desert. "Did you at least learn something from this or was it a wasted travel?"
"Well, I'll have to order far more Minoian juniper brandy, seems it's more popular than I thought. I'll also have to order more red candies for my glass coffin, there was a color imbalance. And I'll have to leave out the mimes, no idea what I will be thinking there. There are few more things I can improve here and there." Pinkie turned to the ephemeral figure. "So thank you a lot, now I can make it a even more bigger-better-funnier-squish the sadness-goodbye Pinkie party than before."
The spirit stared at the smiling pony and shrugged. "Eh, good enough."
The prose is dry and a little clumsy, especially when describing the funeral-party. But it shows that the party is a barrel of fun, so it accomplishes what it's trying to do. "Why do not go along," however, is just a grammatical disaster; it took me several passes until I interpreted it as "Why not come along?".
The mixup with the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future is really clever, and Pinkie's actions are perfectly in-character. She'd totally plan the best wake ever, and she'd try to cheer up a spirit that came to her accidentally. But her dialogue is off. Pinkie's description of what she'll do differently sounds more like Rarity. And the phrase "no idea what I will be thinking there" is technically correct, but Pinkie is not one for such precise speech.
Verdict: great storytelling, but it's held back by the prose
The mixup with the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future is really clever, and Pinkie's actions are perfectly in-character. She'd totally plan the best wake ever, and she'd try to cheer up a spirit that came to her accidentally. But her dialogue is off. Pinkie's description of what she'll do differently sounds more like Rarity. And the phrase "no idea what I will be thinking there" is technically correct, but Pinkie is not one for such precise speech.
Verdict: great storytelling, but it's held back by the prose
I loved it, but the ending fell flat. I think I would actually prefer the story if it had ended prior to the spectre's introduction. Forget about the spectre and Pinkie, show us more about what Twilight is feeling. Show us the spirit of celebration as it heals her. Show us that Pinkie knows what she's doing, and that it works.
I figured out pretty much straightaway that it was Pinkie Pie’s funeral, but I didn’t see the twist coming.
The twist was pretty great, but I feel like it didn’t quite deliver as well as it should have; the thaumababble here was very awkwardly inserted and felt out of place for the tone of the story, and really should probably be excised from the final version. Likewise, it is Hearth’s Warming, not Heartwarming.
It was a cute story, though I think I do agree with the fact that Twilight is mentioned a few times and it might make sense for there to be more focus there. Is there some implied Twinkie here, and the party is in part meant to get Twilight over her? That might make that bit stronger, and could give more of an emotional focus on top of the comedy, and make it more sweet. Or you could just go on with the silliness.
The twist was pretty great, but I feel like it didn’t quite deliver as well as it should have; the thaumababble here was very awkwardly inserted and felt out of place for the tone of the story, and really should probably be excised from the final version. Likewise, it is Hearth’s Warming, not Heartwarming.
It was a cute story, though I think I do agree with the fact that Twilight is mentioned a few times and it might make sense for there to be more focus there. Is there some implied Twinkie here, and the party is in part meant to get Twilight over her? That might make that bit stronger, and could give more of an emotional focus on top of the comedy, and make it more sweet. Or you could just go on with the silliness.
Cheering and sparklers… during a funeral procession. There had better be a good explanation for this.
Ah, so there was, though you’re going to want to work on some of the phrasing. Some attempts to sound erudite come out awkward, like “jubilation implements” and “Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines.” There’s a fine idea here; it just needs some polish.
Ah, so there was, though you’re going to want to work on some of the phrasing. Some attempts to sound erudite come out awkward, like “jubilation implements” and “Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines.” There’s a fine idea here; it just needs some polish.
“Then it spoke, the words defined by subtraction and not by sound.” What does that mean?
I must be dumb, but I don’t get the last part. Who’s speaking? Is Pinkie dead? What? I’m unable to parse it correctly.
TD suggests this is a Pinkie’s funeral, but if it’s true then it’s a kind of a letdown, since the idea of a Pinkie’s funeral being a party rather than a true funeral is just so tired…
I must be dumb, but I don’t get the last part. Who’s speaking? Is Pinkie dead? What? I’m unable to parse it correctly.
TD suggests this is a Pinkie’s funeral, but if it’s true then it’s a kind of a letdown, since the idea of a Pinkie’s funeral being a party rather than a true funeral is just so tired…
>>Calipony
It is a Christmas Carol crossover. The Ghost ofChristmas Hearth's Warming Future got his wires crossed and accidentally brought Pinkie Pie forward to see her funeral, instead of a cranky old businesspony. Naturally, Pinkie Pie wants everyone to be cheerful instead of focusing on how sad her death is.
And to be fair, I can totally see it coming from her. You know, like Graham Chapman's funeral.
It is a Christmas Carol crossover. The Ghost of
And to be fair, I can totally see it coming from her. You know, like Graham Chapman's funeral.
I feel like there are a lot of good parts here that don't quite assemble into a whole. The reference to A Christmas Carol isn't worked in deftly enough to be anything but distracting from the tone of the rest of it.
Almost. Almost, I say.
Almost. Almost, I say.
So, is this a cross between Dr. Who, Carnivale, and a New Orleans jazz funeral? Perhaps with a pinch of TwiLestia on top?
Or, maybe not any of those things? Honestly, I can't tell at all. I guess I can see how this might be Pinkie's event, but what the heck is she even doing there? How'd she get there? I guess there's a message in here, but it's just too jumbled to be able to draw it out.
Or, maybe not any of those things? Honestly, I can't tell at all. I guess I can see how this might be Pinkie's event, but what the heck is she even doing there? How'd she get there? I guess there's a message in here, but it's just too jumbled to be able to draw it out.
I think everyone else said what I would have said... And they all did it better. O.o
Like everyone else, I quickly figured out that this was Pinkie's funeral. But the twist with Death, Hearths Warming, and a 'A Christmas Carol" was very clever. I did not see that coming at all. I agree that your language was a touch too flowery at the points that FanofMostEverything mentioned. And the introduction of Death, with the magibabble felt a touch abrupt and out of place. I loved your explanation for WHY he ended up in the wrong place / wrong time... And why Pinkie just went along with it. :>
Overall though, it get's two thumbs up! Well done!
Like everyone else, I quickly figured out that this was Pinkie's funeral. But the twist with Death, Hearths Warming, and a 'A Christmas Carol" was very clever. I did not see that coming at all. I agree that your language was a touch too flowery at the points that FanofMostEverything mentioned. And the introduction of Death, with the magibabble felt a touch abrupt and out of place. I loved your explanation for WHY he ended up in the wrong place / wrong time... And why Pinkie just went along with it. :>
Overall though, it get's two thumbs up! Well done!
>>GrandMoffPony
This is Pinkie's funeral, which she's seeing because the events of "The Cutie Re-Mark" screwed up time enough that the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Come showed her the future instead of whatever Scrooge analogue he was supposed to enlighten.
This is Pinkie's funeral, which she's seeing because the events of "The Cutie Re-Mark" screwed up time enough that the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Come showed her the future instead of whatever Scrooge analogue he was supposed to enlighten.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Wait, what? When did "The Cutie Re-Mark" "screw up time"? I'm totally lost. Where are you getting that theory from?
EDIT: Sorry! I thought you meant "Raiders of the Lost Mark". Herp derp.
Wait, what? When did "The Cutie Re-Mark" "screw up time"? I'm totally lost. Where are you getting that theory from?
EDIT: Sorry! I thought you meant "Raiders of the Lost Mark". Herp derp.
>>Waterpear >>Trick_Question >>TitaniumDragon >>FanOfMostEverything >>Calipony >>CoffeeMinion >>GrandMoffPony >>TheCyanRecluse
The reception this story got was a bit more positive than expected, which is fine I suppose.
From the technical point of view, I'm aware that it was a bit of a mess. It was the second entry for this Write-off, and I wrote it more on a hunch than with any extensive planing in mind, which can probably be seen in the not exactly clean structure. I'll have to make that passage from the description of the party to the dialogue between Pinkie and the spirit smoother, and I'll also have to clean up the description of the party itself.
>>Calipony
I think that the idea of Pinkie's funeral being a party is something that quite obviously derives from what we know of her:)
Thank you all for the feedback, it's always useful.
The reception this story got was a bit more positive than expected, which is fine I suppose.
From the technical point of view, I'm aware that it was a bit of a mess. It was the second entry for this Write-off, and I wrote it more on a hunch than with any extensive planing in mind, which can probably be seen in the not exactly clean structure. I'll have to make that passage from the description of the party to the dialogue between Pinkie and the spirit smoother, and I'll also have to clean up the description of the party itself.
>>Calipony
I think that the idea of Pinkie's funeral being a party is something that quite obviously derives from what we know of her:)
Thank you all for the feedback, it's always useful.