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Show rules for this event
Yeah! I beat Roger!
Now that that gloating moment is over, time for the official motto:
Don't forget to please refrain from saying anything that might compromise your anonymity. Doing so is grounds for disqualification. It's recommended you do dummy reviews of your own stories should it otherwise be easy to deduce which you wrote.
Good luck to all!
Now that that gloating moment is over, time for the official motto:
Don't forget to please refrain from saying anything that might compromise your anonymity. Doing so is grounds for disqualification. It's recommended you do dummy reviews of your own stories should it otherwise be easy to deduce which you wrote.
Good luck to all!
Anyways... I'll make this message quick. It might compromise some anonymity... but...
I apologize in advance for not being myself the rest of this round. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled, so I'll probably not be in the best place. My mood will be more on the callous and snarky side... I mean, if you got your teeth yanked, you'd probably be cranky too...
Regardless, it'll take more than wisdom teeth to make me sit this one out.
Good luck to Everyone! Let's get writing! :twilightsmile:
>>Monokeras
Yeah, I don't think he'll be too happy about that...
I apologize in advance for not being myself the rest of this round. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled, so I'll probably not be in the best place. My mood will be more on the callous and snarky side... I mean, if you got your teeth yanked, you'd probably be cranky too...
Regardless, it'll take more than wisdom teeth to make me sit this one out.
Good luck to Everyone! Let's get writing! :twilightsmile:
>>Monokeras
Yeah, I don't think he'll be too happy about that...
>>PinoyPony
Well, traditions have to be shaken up from time to time.
Welcome to a less wise, crazier self.
Yeah, I don't think he'll be too happy about that...
Well, traditions have to be shaken up from time to time.
I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled
Welcome to a less wise, crazier self.
Hopefully I shall be less unalive this round and actually participate more in the discussion. Last round ended up coinciding with Everfree Northwest, but hopefully I'll be back on the horse!
Er, pony.
Er, pony.
Something, something, totes gonna join.
Something, something, real confident about this one.
Something, something... *falls over*
Something, something, real confident about this one.
Something, something... *falls over*
The stars have aligned, and all possible distractions and catastrophes have been nipped in the bud. Even that really serious one about the world ending, or something.
So yeah, looking forward to my first ever writeoff event. Good luck everyone!
So yeah, looking forward to my first ever writeoff event. Good luck everyone!
Ow, my still-broken wrist. :raritydespair:
What the hell. Let the games begin! :derpytongue2:
What the hell. Let the games begin! :derpytongue2:
>>PinoyPony
Are they going to give you painkillers that will make you all wonky and loopy? If so, you should definitely write a story while under their effects.
Are they going to give you painkillers that will make you all wonky and loopy? If so, you should definitely write a story while under their effects.
I'm either participating in the Writeoff or having a baby this weekend. Let's find out which!!
(No... like, seriously.)
(I guess both are possible if LO aims for Sunday night!)
(No... like, seriously.)
(I guess both are possible if LO aims for Sunday night!)
Whoever submitted that prompt, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I don't know whether to facehoof or applaud you
>>The_Letter_J
Yeseree, Indeed!
So, if you ever read a fic and ask yourself "What kind of psychopath wrote this? Looks like someone was on drugs when they wrote this..." --- It's probably me. :pinkiecrazy;
Know this day as a mark of a Discordant Pinoypony... no seriously, I think I switched to the complete opposite personality type. Anyways, Let this be a notch in time, a very interesting and rare notch in time.
Yeseree, Indeed!
So, if you ever read a fic and ask yourself "What kind of psychopath wrote this? Looks like someone was on drugs when they wrote this..." --- It's probably me. :pinkiecrazy;
Know this day as a mark of a Discordant Pinoypony... no seriously, I think I switched to the complete opposite personality type. Anyways, Let this be a notch in time, a very interesting and rare notch in time.
>>CoffeeMinion
CoffeeMinion finally gets a minion of his own to boss around, eh? Oh, how the tables have turned!
Congrats!
CoffeeMinion finally gets a minion of his own to boss around, eh? Oh, how the tables have turned!
Congrats!
>>CoffeeMinion
Oh, hearty congratulations to you!! Got one ready to drop off the production line myself, over the next two weeks or so. :sleeplesstrixie:
Oh, hearty congratulations to you!! Got one ready to drop off the production line myself, over the next two weeks or so. :sleeplesstrixie:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
'grats.
Actually that’s pretty cool. And besides, I've not that nagging sensation to be alone any more.
A friend’s advice: have as much sleep as you can BEFORE, because it’s going to be tough after :) :)
'grats.
Actually that’s pretty cool. And besides, I've not that nagging sensation to be alone any more.
A friend’s advice: have as much sleep as you can BEFORE, because it’s going to be tough after :) :)
>>Monokeras Indeed. :-P
>>Dubs_Rewatcher This is actually not the first! Though I find that the attempts at bossing-around usually go more in the opposite direction...
>>Ceffyl_Dwr Thanks and congratulations to you also!
>>Dubs_Rewatcher This is actually not the first! Though I find that the attempts at bossing-around usually go more in the opposite direction...
>>Ceffyl_Dwr Thanks and congratulations to you also!
For the first round in I-can't-remember-how-long, I actually have the weekend free and am not at a convention. This feels profoundly weird. I can actually submit something without setting my schedule on fire.
[img]http://pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10525-1387643319165.gif[/img]
>>CoffeeMinion >>dunerat
Personally I'm rooting for an early Saturday birth so that Minion Jr. can start their life right, by becoming the Writeoffs' youngest-ever co-author.
(And congratulations, Minion and >>Ceffyl_Dwr!)
[img]http://pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10525-1387643319165.gif[/img]
>>CoffeeMinion >>dunerat
Personally I'm rooting for an early Saturday birth so that Minion Jr. can start their life right, by becoming the Writeoffs' youngest-ever co-author.
(And congratulations, Minion and >>Ceffyl_Dwr!)
>>Monokeras Hah, this one is mini-Dwr #2, so I'm now well versed at finding time to sleep at inappropriate moments, such as in the middle of a conversa—
>>horizon Thank you!! Good luck with your free weekend of writing!
>>horizon Thank you!! Good luck with your free weekend of writing!
At last, I have returned! Let us see if I haven't improved, or at least not gotten worse.
Smashed out a minific on my phone while everyone was drinking and going to bed. Now I'm the last person standing because I knew if I didn't complete it in one sitting I wouldn't get another chance!
Anyway, all submitted now. Once again, I'm just pleased to participate because I really didn't think I'd have time this round. Yay.
Good luck to all!
Anyway, all submitted now. Once again, I'm just pleased to participate because I really didn't think I'd have time this round. Yay.
Good luck to all!
ARRRGHHHHHH!
I thought I was done... But somehow, in my editing, I cut out 100 word section in the middle...
And then reused those words on the end... O.o
GAH!
I thought I was done... But somehow, in my editing, I cut out 100 word section in the middle...
And then reused those words on the end... O.o
GAH!
Hmmmmmmm.... Done and submitted.. .But now that I look at it, it occurs to me to ask if it's 'pony' enough.
I could have put in a few bits with more ponyish stuff, but I cut them to squeeze in a drop more plot stuff... But perhaps I should swap them back? :/
Crud. It's too late to be fiddling around with this. I guess I'll just have to leave it and hope for the best.
I could have put in a few bits with more ponyish stuff, but I cut them to squeeze in a drop more plot stuff... But perhaps I should swap them back? :/
Crud. It's too late to be fiddling around with this. I guess I'll just have to leave it and hope for the best.
Well, I have 3 ideas. All work. And I can't quite seem to figure out the first words on any of them.
Come on, story #1. Curse your bones; stop being an idea and get bloody written.
COMMENCE THRASH METAL BOMBARDMENT!
COMMENCE THRASH METAL BOMBARDMENT!
Like quite a few, I didn't think I'd have time as well. Helped throw a surprise birthday party today. The thing went off without a hitch, it was pretty awesome.
I didn't think I was gonna be joining this time until I ended up talking to my editor/buddy IJR and together in 90-100 minutes we managed to write out an entry. I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised at myself for this one.
It's submitted and done, and good luck to everyone else.
Keep writing!
I didn't think I was gonna be joining this time until I ended up talking to my editor/buddy IJR and together in 90-100 minutes we managed to write out an entry. I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised at myself for this one.
It's submitted and done, and good luck to everyone else.
Keep writing!
Bah. It's submitted. I fear for its response, though it felt good to write a speedfic again.
Blargh. Wanted to put something in for this one, but a combination of work, other obligations, and a general lack of inspiration is not leaving me in a good spot. I have a few hundred words down, but it's becoming really clear that this idea needs another couple of thousand to really work. Oh well. Good luck to any other late-night writers out there!
>>Bachiavellian
I've got one idea. :| I'm going to see if I can't brainstorm more. Got one thingy sort of headed there though.
I've got one idea. :| I'm going to see if I can't brainstorm more. Got one thingy sort of headed there though.
![[img]http://pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10525-1387643319165.gif[/img]](http://pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10525-1387643319165.gif){kind=link}
Hacking and slashing yields success! ...I think. I feel bad doing it.
IDK. Perhaps I've got one more.
IDK. Perhaps I've got one more.
>>Morning Sun
To be fair, there's nothing that says you have to start writing from the first words...
To be fair, there's nothing that says you have to start writing from the first words...
And #2 finished!
I'll claim the last-place spot now, thank you very much. (not throwing the contest or anything. Just joshing around) Best of luck to all of you, to all of us!
I'll claim the last-place spot now, thank you very much. (not throwing the contest or anything. Just joshing around) Best of luck to all of you, to all of us!
>>Not_Worthy2
Pfft, amateur. I'm currently cutting one of this round's entries down from 1250. (And in the past we've had some crazy authors end up with a short-story-length work they've tried to trim from 2000 to 750.)
At least the uncut version will be publishable as-is on FIMFic. :-p
over 100 words too long
Pfft, amateur. I'm currently cutting one of this round's entries down from 1250. (And in the past we've had some crazy authors end up with a short-story-length work they've tried to trim from 2000 to 750.)
At least the uncut version will be publishable as-is on FIMFic. :-p
>>horizon
The Tenth Anniversary of the Death of Jonagold Apple was like that for me; I just cut the entire first scene for the writeoff, though IIRC I still had to lop off some bits.
I'm actually doing pretty well this writeoff though in terms of managing length; I think that stories generally turn out better if they're not being severely cut down and are instead something that fits naturally in 750 words.
Though of course, sometimes you can just write something more efficiently. I know there was one writeoff entry I think I wrote three times, and only the third one was short enough to fit the word limit.
The Tenth Anniversary of the Death of Jonagold Apple was like that for me; I just cut the entire first scene for the writeoff, though IIRC I still had to lop off some bits.
I'm actually doing pretty well this writeoff though in terms of managing length; I think that stories generally turn out better if they're not being severely cut down and are instead something that fits naturally in 750 words.
Though of course, sometimes you can just write something more efficiently. I know there was one writeoff entry I think I wrote three times, and only the third one was short enough to fit the word limit.
I've only put in one entry, and I'm not sure if I made the right decisions with the available real estate. Still, we'll see what happens.
That was a surprisingly tough prompt to generate ideas for. Still, managed to sneak a single entry in. Good luck with the rest of you last minute-ers!
Right, all wrapped up for me. Didn't have many ideas for this one, but at least I got a couple solid entries in. Best of luck for those doing last minute edits :D
Talk about your last-minute entries!
Er, wait. Don't talk about them because that's against the rules. But I had one of those this time. :V
Er, wait. Don't talk about them because that's against the rules. But I had one of those this time. :V
This has some really weird phrasing: a lot of passive sentences, awkward construction, and questionable word choices. (A good discovery shouldn’t be disruptive, light generally isn’t aggressive, etc.) I’m guessing English isn’t the author’s first language.
Okay, how did Starlight step through a ring that’s only seven inches in diameter? Ponies aren’t that little.
…
For proper effect, I want you to imagine me typing the periods in that ellipsis at a rate of about one per second. This was just disappointing. Clean up the language, making the opening less telly and storybookish, and… well, it still won’t be that impressive. That punchline just wasn’t funny, and I’m not sure how it fits the prompt.
Okay, how did Starlight step through a ring that’s only seven inches in diameter? Ponies aren’t that little.
…
For proper effect, I want you to imagine me typing the periods in that ellipsis at a rate of about one per second. This was just disappointing. Clean up the language, making the opening less telly and storybookish, and… well, it still won’t be that impressive. That punchline just wasn’t funny, and I’m not sure how it fits the prompt.
Nice touch in using manticores to emphasize Beacon’s youthful arrogance.
In all, a lovely and concise story that uses every word available to tell it. The ending's especially interesting. I genuinely can't tell if it's meant to be ambiguous or not. It's meta-ambiguous.
In all, a lovely and concise story that uses every word available to tell it. The ending's especially interesting. I genuinely can't tell if it's meant to be ambiguous or not. It's meta-ambiguous.
I realize the lack of cohesiveness is intentional, but I think it would be much easier to read and follow the story if each voice had a distinct personality. I started skimming when it became obvious everything was random and it didn't matter which voice was speaking or what it said.
The rifle specs are hilariously well done. I went from “Wait, this Equestria has guns?” to “That is fantastic” in the space of a few sentences.
That contrast continues for the rest of the story. The juxtaposition of severity and silliness makes this work very well indeed. Nice work.
That contrast continues for the rest of the story. The juxtaposition of severity and silliness makes this work very well indeed. Nice work.
“We never had a single fight,” said Twilight. “Having a fight would imply that Shining ever stood a chance against me.”
Exquisite work.
Exquisite work.
I think this leans too heavily on the reveal when you should instead be exploring more ramifications of the world you're describing. I want more insight into who Celestia is here. Why is Celestia doing all of this work on her own? Where did this power come from, what is it, and how does it tie into the show's existing mythos? Why does it want her to forgive someone who is killing ponies? If you want to introduce something mysterious, that's okay, but you still need to give the reader more information.
This seems an odd place to teach somepony a lesson about the importance of forgiveness. I'm not certain I buy the premise that Discord essentially murdering ponies should be forgivable. This also plays into the lack of knowledge we have about who and what the power is—it isn't clear to me what it wants from Celestia other than a lecture. I don't believe Celestia's response: she basically says "okay I'll be forgiving so that everypony won't die", which doesn't match what the power is trying to convey.
Why does Celestia given a vision of herself as an old mare when she isn't going to age? That makes it seem like the power is lying to her, but this isn't elaborated upon.
How does Celestia setting the Sun affect Discord's influence over reality or stop him from using ponies as playthings? In the show, Princess Celestia's ability to cast the Sun-moving spell isn't powerful enough to countermand Discord's control of the Sun. The powers she gains don't resolve the story's conflict.
This seems an odd place to teach somepony a lesson about the importance of forgiveness. I'm not certain I buy the premise that Discord essentially murdering ponies should be forgivable. This also plays into the lack of knowledge we have about who and what the power is—it isn't clear to me what it wants from Celestia other than a lecture. I don't believe Celestia's response: she basically says "okay I'll be forgiving so that everypony won't die", which doesn't match what the power is trying to convey.
Why does Celestia given a vision of herself as an old mare when she isn't going to age? That makes it seem like the power is lying to her, but this isn't elaborated upon.
How does Celestia setting the Sun affect Discord's influence over reality or stop him from using ponies as playthings? In the show, Princess Celestia's ability to cast the Sun-moving spell isn't powerful enough to countermand Discord's control of the Sun. The powers she gains don't resolve the story's conflict.
to be honest, kinda boring for a comedy.
a huge portion of this fic is just recapping what we already know from the show. the problem isn't writing quality, it's the structure. it goes from one pony to the next, like going down a list.... a list that could be in any order. and even though the conversation itself is well-written (good character voices), my attention is drifting off and I'm starting to skim through it, looking for something I don't already know.
the punchline doesn't build off anything from the fic, but it's not surprising enough as a non-sequitur either. kinda expected someone to show up from the title alone.
the best part is the exchange between RD and AJ at the end. it's something sorta-new (at least hasn't been confirmed by the show) and it made me laugh. that plus RD talking about shipping here and there made me hope the punchline would be about her, or at least give her something to react to. instead, anticlimax.
a huge portion of this fic is just recapping what we already know from the show. the problem isn't writing quality, it's the structure. it goes from one pony to the next, like going down a list.... a list that could be in any order. and even though the conversation itself is well-written (good character voices), my attention is drifting off and I'm starting to skim through it, looking for something I don't already know.
the punchline doesn't build off anything from the fic, but it's not surprising enough as a non-sequitur either. kinda expected someone to show up from the title alone.
the best part is the exchange between RD and AJ at the end. it's something sorta-new (at least hasn't been confirmed by the show) and it made me laugh. that plus RD talking about shipping here and there made me hope the punchline would be about her, or at least give her something to react to. instead, anticlimax.
Ooooooh. I know I've been gone for a bit, and therefor am probably really late here, but I love this new commenting system with the stories and all that. Well done, guys.
Now we just need to be able to preview them so anal nutbars like myself can go over every word five times before posting.
Now we just need to be able to preview them so anal nutbars like myself can go over every word five times before posting.
I will write this review in rhyme, butts
very cute! charming! surprising twist! butts
maybe have a touch more action from the DJ, butts
to break up the verses of the rhyme battle? butts
the only place where it kinda fell flat, butts
is in the last section, it's starting to repeat, butts
you just used that exact same rhyme, butts
and Zecora already told us this info, butts
i'd ramp up the ending section so it can hint, butts
at something even more ridiculous to come, butts
i'm so hardcore, I rhymed butts with butts
i rhymed butts 12 times, no ifs, ands, or buts
very cute! charming! surprising twist! butts
maybe have a touch more action from the DJ, butts
to break up the verses of the rhyme battle? butts
the only place where it kinda fell flat, butts
is in the last section, it's starting to repeat, butts
you just used that exact same rhyme, butts
and Zecora already told us this info, butts
i'd ramp up the ending section so it can hint, butts
at something even more ridiculous to come, butts
i'm so hardcore, I rhymed butts with butts
i rhymed butts 12 times, no ifs, ands, or buts
the butterfly effect is a common but useful metaphor for Starlight's position here. she backs it up with her own experiences. therefore...
I'd rather see Celestia retort with her own illustrative metaphor. it would be much more convincing than some vague "life is beautiful" sentiments.
I'd rather see Celestia retort with her own illustrative metaphor. it would be much more convincing than some vague "life is beautiful" sentiments.
An interesting concept. One I’ve seen before, but still interesting. Sadly, it’s undercut but the obvious anxiety and fear on display. You actually did too good a job of getting us into the narrator’s mind. Still, there’s definitely a strong base here. Build on it, emphasize the unfeelingness so alien to ponykind, and you’ll have something great.
“A millennia.” Well, so much for that strong first impression.
I kid. Mostly. It’s just a pet peeve, but it’s a pretty big one.
I admit, I was kind of hoping that this would end in Clockwork triumphantly declaring how his masterpiece would only lose one second every year, followed by awkward shuffling as ponies waited for someone else to tell him how technology had passed him by.
Of course, I can’t condemn you for not writing the story I wanted to read. The one you wrote is a lovely little tragedy and a great Cadance moment. Thank you for it.
I kid. Mostly. It’s just a pet peeve, but it’s a pretty big one.
I admit, I was kind of hoping that this would end in Clockwork triumphantly declaring how his masterpiece would only lose one second every year, followed by awkward shuffling as ponies waited for someone else to tell him how technology had passed him by.
Of course, I can’t condemn you for not writing the story I wanted to read. The one you wrote is a lovely little tragedy and a great Cadance moment. Thank you for it.
Oof. You’re going to want to put two line breaks between each paragraph. It just looks better; much less of a “wall of text” effect. Also, while you do need to make a new paragraph for each speaker, that doesn’t mean you make a new one for every opening set of quotation marks.
As for the story itself, it’s kind of funny, but it isn't quite there. Between the casual profanity and how the test questions themselves seem to offer no room for creativity, the idea feels half-formed. There’s definite potential here, but realizing it will take some work.
As for the story itself, it’s kind of funny, but it isn't quite there. Between the casual profanity and how the test questions themselves seem to offer no room for creativity, the idea feels half-formed. There’s definite potential here, but realizing it will take some work.
Huh. I’d think semi-personalized horoscopes would bother to specify the pony’s tribe. Still, astrology in Equestria. This should be interesting, especially since some constellations have a tendency to walk around and crush things.
Oh, wait, was Moonshine the name of the sign? That wasn’t remotely clear, especially since you used Latin to identify Circinus. Still, given that it’s a newspaper horoscope, you did a great job of capturing the vagueness of such things while still fitting in some Season 5 foreshadowing. This could use another proofreading pass and the prompt connection is rather tenuous, but it was still an enjoyable read.
Oh, wait, was Moonshine the name of the sign? That wasn’t remotely clear, especially since you used Latin to identify Circinus. Still, given that it’s a newspaper horoscope, you did a great job of capturing the vagueness of such things while still fitting in some Season 5 foreshadowing. This could use another proofreading pass and the prompt connection is rather tenuous, but it was still an enjoyable read.
Oh dear, this isn’t poetry. These are song lyrics. Not at all a good idea. A purely textual representation of an auditory medium never goes well.
It’s an interesting concept, certainly. Human Fluttershy somehow channeling the experience of her equine analogue’s transformation in “Bats!” into a song raises some intriguing questions. But the execution falls flat without the tune.
It’s an interesting concept, certainly. Human Fluttershy somehow channeling the experience of her equine analogue’s transformation in “Bats!” into a song raises some intriguing questions. But the execution falls flat without the tune.
There are some odd English constructions, but this reads like magical realism to me. I'm just not certain exactly what happened.
I think you need to be more explicit with language so the reader knows what you're trying to convey. This story is mired in poetic language, and the events are unusual enough that it's hard to tell what is actually happening. Here are a few questions I had while reading this.
Is Midnight bleeding to death?
Why does Coko say Midnight mumbles when he never mumbles in the story?
How could somepony love trains and not already know there's only one train in service?
Is Coko one of the three ponies from the picture? He's never described, and in this case it's important.
Why did Coko put some of Midnight's blood in his hat? Was that his contribution to the hat's history?
Are both hats filled with memorabilia? Where'd the stuff come for the brand new hat?
In short, be more explicit in what you tell the reader, because we rely on the author's voice to see the world you're painting.
I think you need to be more explicit with language so the reader knows what you're trying to convey. This story is mired in poetic language, and the events are unusual enough that it's hard to tell what is actually happening. Here are a few questions I had while reading this.
Is Midnight bleeding to death?
Why does Coko say Midnight mumbles when he never mumbles in the story?
How could somepony love trains and not already know there's only one train in service?
Is Coko one of the three ponies from the picture? He's never described, and in this case it's important.
Why did Coko put some of Midnight's blood in his hat? Was that his contribution to the hat's history?
Are both hats filled with memorabilia? Where'd the stuff come for the brand new hat?
In short, be more explicit in what you tell the reader, because we rely on the author's voice to see the world you're painting.
As an amusing aside, next on my docket is “Burgers Will Make It Better.” Somehow, I doubt that will be the resolution of this story.
You have fewer than a thousand words and you’re using some of them on chapter headings. Well, it’s certainly daring.
Wow. I honestly wish this had ended in burgers. You got my hopes up with Chapter 6; I thought Fluttershy might deconstruct the whole thing. But no, it just kept going on with the… I guess this was supposed to be satire? Kind of hard to be clever when you’re devoting maybe a hundred words to each installment. Sorry, this just didn’t work for me.
You have fewer than a thousand words and you’re using some of them on chapter headings. Well, it’s certainly daring.
Wow. I honestly wish this had ended in burgers. You got my hopes up with Chapter 6; I thought Fluttershy might deconstruct the whole thing. But no, it just kept going on with the… I guess this was supposed to be satire? Kind of hard to be clever when you’re devoting maybe a hundred words to each installment. Sorry, this just didn’t work for me.
You need to proof a little. I think the last line should be done in a different color to set it apart from the story.
Hay Days is a genuinely clever name for a burger joint slathered in sports memorabilia, but “Pransi” took me a moment to grok. I’ve always preferred Yoke.
Ohhh. Looks like this is going to address one of the more troubling bits of “Newbie Dash.”
Well, sort of. You spent so many words on the lavish description that there were barely any left for the plot. I’d love to see this extended, but for now, it feels like a long drumroll leading up to a single squeeze of a bicycle horn.
Ohhh. Looks like this is going to address one of the more troubling bits of “Newbie Dash.”
Well, sort of. You spent so many words on the lavish description that there were barely any left for the plot. I’d love to see this extended, but for now, it feels like a long drumroll leading up to a single squeeze of a bicycle horn.
The story is good but it ends a bit flat. I think since we start with Ember's perspective, we should round up with it at the end rather than a quote from her father. A sentence about her steeling her resolve that gives us more insight into her character and the unique way she views ponies would work wonders.
This is definitely a victim of the word limit. The concept is fascinating, but it’s too short to give the emotional resonance you want. We’re being rushed through the buildup and told to feel sad without any of the relationship building, desperation, or tragic realization that the idea needs to work. I’d love to see this expanded, but for now, it just isn’t enough.
Luna sneaking up on Twilight seems odd, and vanishing into thin air like she does doesn't make much sense.
Some of the dialogue should be tweaked, and the "past the film" line isn't clear.
The last line would be better as something like Oh no. or Oh dear. or Uh-oh. than to have it peter out with ellipses.
Some of the dialogue should be tweaked, and the "past the film" line isn't clear.
The last line would be better as something like Oh no. or Oh dear. or Uh-oh. than to have it peter out with ellipses.
… Well, that was… weird. At first, it's a cheesy action story, then there's an apparent deus ex machina, then… what? Twist sad ending? Is Lyra a zombie, or a figment of Bonbon's imagination? Is this a recurring memory-nightmare of Bonbon's or something?
I don't know, man. It was strange.
I don't know, man. It was strange.
A positively adorable story of young Twilight. My only complaint is that you never really did anything with Celestia beyond having her show up, but the word limit precluded her doing anything more. Nice work.
So… is there a hole in the roof of the shrine to let the moon through? I assume that’s the case, but it’s not really made clear. That being said, Nightmare Moon using dream spying to keep her reign secure is a stroke of genius.
Okay, I really want to see this one expanded, because I’m not entirely sure what just happened. Nightmare’s wistful aside, what she did to Lyra, the long-term impact this might have on all involved… I have a lot of questions and nothing but frustration to show for them right now.
Okay, I really want to see this one expanded, because I’m not entirely sure what just happened. Nightmare’s wistful aside, what she did to Lyra, the long-term impact this might have on all involved… I have a lot of questions and nothing but frustration to show for them right now.
This seems a little too grim for Equestria, even compared with the Pie family. The complete lack of community and family support is difficult to swallow, especially given the relationships that were already defined. You might need to make this story post-apocalyptic to make it believable.
That said, the message is very well-supported and on-point. I very much appreciate that this is a story with a meaning behind it. I just think it's a little too unrealistic at present.
This choice of name legitimately worried me that the story was going to be racist. Americans associate that term with a derogatory view of Blacks as slaves.
How can you be born with storm-weathered wings? I'm pretty sure womb tornadoes are rare events.
That said, the message is very well-supported and on-point. I very much appreciate that this is a story with a meaning behind it. I just think it's a little too unrealistic at present.
Cotton Picker
This choice of name legitimately worried me that the story was going to be racist. Americans associate that term with a derogatory view of Blacks as slaves.
How can you be born with storm-weathered wings? I'm pretty sure womb tornadoes are rare events.
It's an interesting concept. Got some punctuation problems, though, especially in the dialog. It also seems strange the way the captain is explaining this to them only once they're out in the field. It's convenient for the story but seems odd in-world. Did they not expect to run into changelings? The third paragraph seems to indicate that they did.
Are they barely-trained draft soldiers? The comment about college bits seems to indicate at least some of them signed up for this. Is the war so desperate that they had to start pulling soldiers mid-training?
It seems kind of odd, the way the viewpoint character seems to break into his comrades head to talk about how he only signed up for college bits. Did he hear that from him, or what?
Are they barely-trained draft soldiers? The comment about college bits seems to indicate at least some of them signed up for this. Is the war so desperate that they had to start pulling soldiers mid-training?
It seems kind of odd, the way the viewpoint character seems to break into his comrades head to talk about how he only signed up for college bits. Did he hear that from him, or what?
This is cute but clumsy. The narration feels too telly and casual in the first part. The conversational asides distract from the story rather than adding to it. There’s not much to this, but I do look forward to seeing more from you.
Initially it sounds like Celestia is the purple-headed pony, which is confusing. Is she outside the building at first? Where is Twilight when she sees her? I'm not sure where everypony is.
Well, is it seven, or is it midnight?
I'm not certain I understand why Shining Armor reacts with surprise about the 7pm recommendation. Is that early, or late? For young foals I find 7pm is probably reasonable. We don't have any sense of what time Twilight used to go to bed at, so it's unclear what 7pm means for her.
"Seven on the nose," Cadance said over the soft midnight chirrups of crickets.
Well, is it seven, or is it midnight?
I'm not certain I understand why Shining Armor reacts with surprise about the 7pm recommendation. Is that early, or late? For young foals I find 7pm is probably reasonable. We don't have any sense of what time Twilight used to go to bed at, so it's unclear what 7pm means for her.
The question that I'm going to attempt to answer as I do these reviews is: what was done with the idea at hand. In this particular case, the idea at hand is Twilight going into apprenticeship to learn chaos magic from Discord, and his teaching her what he knows.
The beginning doesn't provide a motivation for Twilight to want to learn chaos magic, and I think with the dialogue exchange between Twilight and Discord, it makes the story suffer. The fourth-wall joke about the montage is funny and Discord-esque, but the rest of the dialogue doesn't put the story onto any sort of track. Twilight doesn't justify her desire to learn something that would endanger all of Equestria, and Discord doesn't feign surprise that she wants to learn. I think my problem with it is that a decision like the two of them are making would have an established significance in the show, and without that establishment here, I just didn't root for them.
The montage is a pretty funny one, and I liked how varied the incidences were. Trying to teach Twilight the science and physical motions of chaos is an interesting and encompassing concept. The third one, admittedly, confused me, but it is overall a collection of fun tidbits.
The ending has perfect characterization, and it's a fitting and astounding conclusion to this story. I do think that this:
Could've been done better. It seems like Twilight has a false epiphany about what she's doing. I would've imagined her agonizing over changing "2+2=4" to "2+2=5" to show some progress, or rather Twilight's mane going all frizzy, and then her racked mind dispelling chaos, and Discord cheering all the while. The part here seems too contrived, like Twilight just wanted to get it over with.
Overall, I liked most of it. The montage worked, and the ending is brilliant. I just think the establishment isn't there for me to actually root for them, and the epiphany seemed weak.
But take my word for whatever it is. I'm not particularly smart, so please judge this on your own terms. Whatever happens, I wish you success wherever you go.
The beginning doesn't provide a motivation for Twilight to want to learn chaos magic, and I think with the dialogue exchange between Twilight and Discord, it makes the story suffer. The fourth-wall joke about the montage is funny and Discord-esque, but the rest of the dialogue doesn't put the story onto any sort of track. Twilight doesn't justify her desire to learn something that would endanger all of Equestria, and Discord doesn't feign surprise that she wants to learn. I think my problem with it is that a decision like the two of them are making would have an established significance in the show, and without that establishment here, I just didn't root for them.
The montage is a pretty funny one, and I liked how varied the incidences were. Trying to teach Twilight the science and physical motions of chaos is an interesting and encompassing concept. The third one, admittedly, confused me, but it is overall a collection of fun tidbits.
The ending has perfect characterization, and it's a fitting and astounding conclusion to this story. I do think that this:
“Wait, we’re overcomplicating this aren’t we. We don’t need to show work. We just need to write an equation, even if it makes zero sense. 42. There. That’s the answer. We’re done.”
Could've been done better. It seems like Twilight has a false epiphany about what she's doing. I would've imagined her agonizing over changing "2+2=4" to "2+2=5" to show some progress, or rather Twilight's mane going all frizzy, and then her racked mind dispelling chaos, and Discord cheering all the while. The part here seems too contrived, like Twilight just wanted to get it over with.
Overall, I liked most of it. The montage worked, and the ending is brilliant. I just think the establishment isn't there for me to actually root for them, and the epiphany seemed weak.
But take my word for whatever it is. I'm not particularly smart, so please judge this on your own terms. Whatever happens, I wish you success wherever you go.
This story has a lot of quick, snappy dialogue that sounds exactly like the characters. It also has a life of its own, it's very organic. It also reveals a lot about what happened on the trip—while keeping things tantalizingly secret—what happened at Canterlot—without boring with unnecessary details—and what happened with the sun—giving it enough detail for it to seem like a true change. I honestly can't provide any criticism about the dialogue. It was hilarious and enlightening at the same time.
The situation itself is quite believable, and it's exciting to think about what went on in Twilight's mind and what the implications of her actions are. The small actions themselves, like the sheepish grin and even the facehoof, were utilized well. I can't criticize any of that as well.
The only thing I would criticize is that Twilight doesn't seem excited about showing Celestia what she's done. I think "fixing a problem" like she did would've been cause for more enthusiasm. But that could just be me.
Overall, it was well-written. I enjoyed it. I apologize for not being able to say more about it.
As for my single criticism, take my word for whatever it is. I'm not particularly smart, so please judge this on your own terms. Whatever happens, I wish you success wherever you go.
The situation itself is quite believable, and it's exciting to think about what went on in Twilight's mind and what the implications of her actions are. The small actions themselves, like the sheepish grin and even the facehoof, were utilized well. I can't criticize any of that as well.
The only thing I would criticize is that Twilight doesn't seem excited about showing Celestia what she's done. I think "fixing a problem" like she did would've been cause for more enthusiasm. But that could just be me.
Overall, it was well-written. I enjoyed it. I apologize for not being able to say more about it.
As for my single criticism, take my word for whatever it is. I'm not particularly smart, so please judge this on your own terms. Whatever happens, I wish you success wherever you go.
Interesting idea, Zecora's rhyming being a curse. Kind of fun, if silly. Some of the rhymes feel forced, though. Also, 'rapt' does not rhyme with 'adept.'
The text is cute and imaginative, but it isn't a complete story. There's no resolution and the ending is rather flat, with Twilight's friends and Twilight having marginal insight into her having a problem and nothing else happens. We still don't know what the book is or where it came from, and the effect of the spell was too subtle for comedy to shine through.
You should put the word "off" in the last transposition somewhere.
You should put the word "off" in the last transposition somewhere.
This was rather odd. I think I understand what you were going for, but I think you may've written something too odd for me to interpret.
I think Twilight's a little bit over the top here. I can see the book reading, but asking him to take her to Donut Joe's at 5am seems unrealistic. I'm not sure why Shining is such a pushover.
Initially, I wondered when Shining Armor became an alicorn.
Shining wouldn't have been able to see once the lights were turned out. It would take time for his irises to pinprick back to focus and his retinas to settle.
The message of the story is distinctly undercut by the fact that Flurry is more closely related to Shining than Twilight, so presumably she'd be more like he is than she—and he's shown to have none of those qualities.
Trying to hide beneath his coverlet...
Initially, I wondered when Shining Armor became an alicorn.
Shining wouldn't have been able to see once the lights were turned out. It would take time for his irises to pinprick back to focus and his retinas to settle.
The message of the story is distinctly undercut by the fact that Flurry is more closely related to Shining than Twilight, so presumably she'd be more like he is than she—and he's shown to have none of those qualities.
There was certainly some descriptive turns of phrase here. I especially liked:
That being said, I did find I was wanting some firmer characterisation to anchor the voices more strongly in the narrative. It did at times feel like a single monologue being delivered through different mouths, rather than from individual (ish) entities.
As a rule, I generally struggle with Discord fics, but here the character isn't too overdone, and suits the set-up quite well. I approve.
Thanks for sharing your work.
drifted as light as dandelion fluff up the stairs
That being said, I did find I was wanting some firmer characterisation to anchor the voices more strongly in the narrative. It did at times feel like a single monologue being delivered through different mouths, rather than from individual (ish) entities.
As a rule, I generally struggle with Discord fics, but here the character isn't too overdone, and suits the set-up quite well. I approve.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Completely adorable. It vaguely reminds me of The Wizard and the Chalkboard, though I can appreciate the different styles of storytelling. What I'm saying is that filly Twi is a goldmine of nerdy-cute.
The Shining-Cadance shipping is rather meh, though; it tips a bit past "sweet" and into "cringy". Not enough to hurt the story, but it doesn't add anything for me.
>>Trick_Question
Twilight is the one who popped out from behind the curtains, and the dialogue in the same paragraph belongs to her. Reads quite clear to me. Everypony is in the living room, and Twilight is behind the window curtains prior to giving her presentation.
Cadance is reporting at midnight to Twilight's parents that Twilight went to bed at seven.
7pm seems way early. My absolute earliest bedtime that I can even remember was 8pm, and I was far too young to do an "independent study project" when that was the case.
The Shining-Cadance shipping is rather meh, though; it tips a bit past "sweet" and into "cringy". Not enough to hurt the story, but it doesn't add anything for me.
>>Trick_Question
Twilight is the one who popped out from behind the curtains, and the dialogue in the same paragraph belongs to her. Reads quite clear to me. Everypony is in the living room, and Twilight is behind the window curtains prior to giving her presentation.
Cadance is reporting at midnight to Twilight's parents that Twilight went to bed at seven.
7pm seems way early. My absolute earliest bedtime that I can even remember was 8pm, and I was far too young to do an "independent study project" when that was the case.