There are some proofreading flubs here and there, but the overall tone is a great blend of classic fantasy and desperate survival. Very nice work.

I don't often like "funeral mourning" stories, but this one got my attention. it hints at a lot of various character conflicts that lead up to this. it wasn't just a sudden random death, but a tragedy that came from the characters' decisions.

I think all it's missing is that this minific feels like a pivotal moment, one that captures the whole epic saga, but it doesn't feel like a turning point. Spike reflects on all that has happened, but has he changed after saying his goodbyes? or perhaps instead he resists a change? that's what I want to see at a moment like this.

I have no idea how one yawns a hum.

Why is Twilight spouting Irishisms?

Okay, that is three prompt drops too many. By which I mean three prompt drops.

Yeah, this bordered on incoherence. Things happened with very little rhyme or reason. When has Starlight performed malicious pranks? Why is Twilight afraid of parasprites, considering she’s summoned them in the past? Why is a lifetime scholar this vulnerable to caffeine? Even the title feels disconnected from the story. Organize your thoughts and try this again.

*Starts Beat-boxing* Bah-bum, Tsst! Bah bum-bum Tsst!

Pleasant surprise of the story. I particularly enjoyed it. In fact, I read it aloud while beat-boxing- which made it all the more enjoyable. You could imagine what the others around me were thinking...

However, I came across several problems while reading it aloud. Several of the other editors have already pointed out that some words didn't rhyme with each other. Also, the rhyming scheme lost flavor as the story went by. Some lines were a mouthful, missing their mark, while others were too short. It messed with the flow, making me scramble to recover my beat-boxing.

For instance, (I'm exaggerating) but some sentences felt like this
"Pinkie's stuck with a rhyme,
Mrs. Cake is trotting in the kitchen to fetch some thyme"

...and I'm over-analyzing again.

TLDR; Welp, Good job writer, clever story. Sentence Scheme could use a bit of polish though.

… What?

This tries to sound deep, but it just comes across as incomprehensible. The glimpse of Celestia’s youth is full of bizarre word choices (a showering moon, a milky sky, etc.) and seems to imply a time before form and mortality… up until you mention mortal ponies (including the Wonderbolts, who weren’t formed until after Luna’s banishment.) Twilight says Dash doesn’t know what it means to fly, then lists all the reasons why she does. And then Twilight is apparently still mortal?

I have no idea where you going with this beyond trying to make me sad that time passes. Sorry, but this didn’t work for me at all.

Surprisingly dark. I saw a few typos here and there, and like >>Trick_Question I think it was incredibly dark for the Equestrian setting, but it was pretty good. The lack of dialogue and description allowed for a lot to be fit into that short space (seriously, birth to death. In less than seven hundred words), and it did a good job of voicing the prompt. Nice job.

needed more burgers, less angst

So, Twilight is roused from her slumber, then awakens? That feels a bit redundant.

My Little Pony theme song break…

No. Bad author. Your sense of immersion didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment.

Well. That was essentially a nonevent. The story barely considers the paranoia that comes with a changeling invasion, (“Let us in!” “What if you’re changelings?” “We’re not.” “Okay.”) and forgets about its own conflict to take a sharp left turn into I Am So It Matters Junction (two stops down from Would It Matter If I Was Township.) Also, Twilight left a window open in the middle of a hostile invasion.

This needs a complete revamp, reorganization, and expansion to pin down all of the plot threads and develop them to a satisfactory degree.

I spent this week reviewing some OC characters being involved with Canon back on Fimfic this week, so this is a nice change of pace from seriousness to mocking said thing. Winking Star felt out of the blue, and the first paragraph or two feels like it isn't needed, or could simply be merged, but aside from that I enjoyed this. It wasn't magnificent, but it was enjoyable enough that I could look past the issues here and there.

I suppose Ms. Frizzle pony would be a bit much to ask…

Oh. That was pretty cute, though I think you may have benefitted from holding off on the reveal until Celestia got to see the decree. The idea of the Crusaders invading and mucking about in her office has enough potential for disaster to keep readers hooked until they discover the trio’s intentions. Just make their location clear from the start.

That said, this version was still an enjoyable romp.

This was a amazingly well-written Lost Cities entry, but I wasn't sure what its purpose was. There was only one character, and not much of a story—I think I would rather see information about how the griffons lived and who they were, than speculation about aggregate statistics.

Because I wasn't seeing the griffinpological elements I'd have associated with a story, I was under the impression that the narrative was supposed to be funny and I was missing the joke. I'm still not entirely certain that's not the case. As is, it was a very interesting read, but I don't think you can rely on information this holey when you only have 750 birdwords to work with.

Also, it's very strange that the narrator would discuss the process of ponies getting access to the dig site, the things found factually, and supposition, all together in the same short space in a book. This feels like a TV show, not an encyclopedia entry.

Please spell out “thousand” in the future.

You definitely overplayed your hand with the delayed reveal. You left enough hints (breakfast, a pony who’s Celestia’s magical equal, etc.) to make it obvious, so eliding over the details makes the prose feel more lazy than mysterious. Good attempt, but it didn’t work at your current level of vagueness. Either more or less could, but not this specific degree.

I don't think I can recommend anything that would improve this piece. It seemed a little strange when the Captain was talking to his troops; if they're all lying flat how would he stealthily press on their helmets from above? Nonetheless, I bought it.

Interesting. This is sort of Lost Cities by way of a historical text. There’s a lot kept unsaid and left for the reader to figure out. Possibly too much as is. I’d love to get further information on Grizzle’s reign. Heck, I’d love it if you wrote Appendix B. Still, even what’s here is quite fascinating.

The story's fine, I just can't buy the ending. It's like saying "Ponyville was invaded by tigers", it's just ridiculous. There aren't enough in one area, or maybe even in Equestria, for obvious food-web reasons.

FOME (above) makes some good points as well.

funny how I read this shortly after the one where Twilight explains Astronomy.
and also the self-help booklet. I wonder if it's the same author.

horoscopes are always so frustratingly vague, aren't they? this did a good job of imitating that style.... unfortunately. seeing multiple paragraphs of that stuff lost my attention, and I skimmed ahead. started reading again when the quote block ended. so now I found out Twilight was the reader, but it's over. OOH, this story's a puzzle to solve! now I actually want to pay attention to the horoscope, better re-read it.

well, that wasn't too hard to figure out. it's the major events of Season 5. after the first few, the rest becomes obvious and I barely had to think. clever idea, but it doesn't lead to anything. even the characters throw away the newspaper and forget about it. I had to work extra to get some information I already knew about... and I expect more from a story than that.

Edit: I am a total idiot and misread the entire story.

It isn't at all clear that mermares and seaponies refer to the same creatures, but that must be the case based on the fact that the poetic part refers to a mermare and Sea Foam is otherwise called a seapony.

This confusion is aided by the fact that in the Under the Sparkling Sea book (that features the Mane 6), seaponies are similar to seahorses and mermares are instead similar to fish. So don't use different names for the same thing without establishing equivalence.

A very pony spin on the classic tale… though Baal Bunny does raise a good point about the ending. Still, you had literally no words left, so I can give it a pass given the circumstances. Presumably you also had to skip over the inevitable wing injury that kept Daring from softening her initial landing. Overall, great work. Here’s hoping you expand this.

P.S. Do not under any circumstances tell Fluttershy about this or what you’re doing.

Lines like this were what made the humor enjoyable. It felt like Monty Python in some regard- so much dark material, yet presented in a really funny manner. It never really went anywhere, though, which I think was holding it back to some extent. Mostly felt like a joke fic in terms of story. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it means that's there's not much substance aside from the overarching joke.

Simple but effective, much like Applejack’s approach to the explanation. Nice work.

I’m impressed. Only three creatures in Ponyville understand Exhausted Bookhorse Muttering.

In all, one of the more believable Twilight shipfics I’ve ever seen. The quickest way to a mare’s heart is by increasing her pulse rate. No one said you couldn’t use stimulants to do so.

I do a ton of unnecessary ponifications (and still take heat regularly for spelling hoarse without the a), but Pranci was too much for me. It isn't clear at all what that thing is at first so it causes a double-take that pulled me out of the story—where "cola" would have been fine.

I'm a little confused about whether you're referring to Dash in the Wonderbolts, or a flashback with Dash in grade school. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but I think you need to make it clearer that this is a teacher of young foals.

Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?”

"Trick Question, you say?" :trollestia:

The ending doesn't fit for me, because Celestia is meticulous about raising and lowering the Sun. The ponies have no reason to hate her so I can't understand why they'd be up in arms.

Also, it's "facehoofed", not "facehooved". Compounding English nouns doesn't halfway-pluralize them for no reason.

The bet confused me. I thought Dash would be harvesting apples or something, and it turned into a test of fortitude rather than speed. It also didn't make a lot of sense for AJ to put a time on something that Dash would have no way of knowing how much time the task normally took. Casting this as a speed test was a mistake.

I'm pretty sure Dash wasn't actually vomiting for an entire hour.

There isn't any mention of AJ hosing Dash down before letting her into the house, which seemed like an oversight.

I think Spectrum Swift works a lot better than Blue Fast. Blue Fast just doesn't sound like a name, and it lacks the same cadence as Rainbow Dash. It also sounds much more like "blew fast".

I think maybe the argument could be made a little more persuasive on Celestia's side, but that's splitting hairs.

pretty good.

I gotta agree with Baal's comment, there's too little connection between Applejack and Scootaloo to add to the comedy. it's kinda like 2 stories that gradually wind together like a rope. pretty interesting structure, but it could be strengthened.

it was a bit too rushed with explaining why AJ's angry, it could've been sprinkled throughout the story. for example, the line

“I’ve never told anypony about this place, not even Applejack.”

pays off later in a natural but funny way. I want more of that.

Way to go, everyone, for collectively giving every story at least one review by t+30h. ^.^ Special props to FanOfMostEverything, Trick Question, and Haze for (by my quick eyeball count) their contribution as most prolific reviewers thus far.

I'll do a few more while I'm at work, but in the meantime, have some 1990s alt-rock that this prompt has gotten lodged firmly into my brain:

Nova Mob, "Over My Head"

I'm not sure the ending works for me. Why would she give her a spell that does the reverse of what she expects? Is it because she didn't follow the instructions carefully? I'd expect Moondancer to be sedulous about that sort of thing, as she's not an impulsive filly.

Is the joke at the end that her spell dilated time for everypony else in Equestria? Her reaction seems far too bland (a simple nod?) for the suggestion that she might not have a way to fix Moondancer, which is the feeling I'm getting.

I was expecting to see something about the spell not extending one's life expectancy, which means Moondancer would just age much faster than everypony else—there's no benefit she gains from having extra study time apart from testing, and she's already an 'A' student.

>>Mordred
I didn't see any repeat time-travel element.

>>NexusDragon
Now it feels like I missed something.

There's no guns in Equ—

A single high-powered aerodynamic meringue pastry...

Ah. Carry on. :twilightsmile:

This trope is easily the most ridiculous on the show, and was never repeated for that reason. I felt a deep satisfaction when I crushed it to death in my story that won a Writeoff. I'd like to pretend it isn't canon.

But, as silliness goes, it does what it's supposed to. I think the only issue I have is that the end isn't entirely clear that there is no real carnage. "Paramedics" sends the wrong message when I suspect it's only intended to be light and humorous.

**Writeoff public service announcement**

I’m guessing English isn’t the author’s first language.

I want to stop and take a moment to note that this particular observation came up for discussion a number of rounds ago, and that the consensus that emerged from authors was that we should avoid it as review feedback. For the authors for whom it was true, the observation didn't seem helpful, because it did not offer any route to improvement. For the authors for whom it was not true, it was a pretty disheartening insult, to say that they didn't sound like a native speaker of their own language.

(I'm definitely not trying to pick on you, FOME — It's just been a while since the discussion, and it's a lesson we should try to collectively remember rather than relearn. This post just happened to jog my memory.)

What should we do instead? Exactly what FOME did in that same paragraph:

This has some really weird phrasing: a lot of passive sentences, awkward construction, and questionable word choices. (A good discovery shouldn’t be disruptive, light generally isn’t aggressive, etc.)

If you judge that a story's language use is poor, then citing specific examples of things which can be fixed is what will help both native and non-native speakers edit their story and improve their language use for next time. That keeps the criticism constructive and avoids any risk of accidental insult.

>>horizon
I avoid commenting about this now as well, but in defense of those who do, it's hard not to: frequently it's such an obvious thing that would improve the story, so it stands out when I'm trying to locate issues.

But as you implied, non-English speakers already know about their deficit. It's better to isolate egregious or salient examples and offer corrections, than to effectively say "get a prereader who knows English better". You are a prereader who knows English better, so help them already. :twilightsmile:

>>Haze
Oh Lunasakes spoiler those horse apples. It's impossible not to read a short comment, and now my view of the story may be corrupted. :raritydespair:

Roger should really add a spoiler button to make it easier.

I would really really really really really really really like it if there were a means to auto-spoiler the contents of comments on stories we haven't yet commented on.

>>Trick_Question The story relies on bookends. The whole idea, I think, is that the spell was experimental, and instead of slowing time it put them back at the beginning, because they were dealing with magic out of their depth. The first and last sentence are identical, meaning that the spell failed and they're likely in some kind of time loop.

A lot of this is more of a headcanon lecture than a story, but considering that Twilight is involved, it fits. I think that the biggest problem is that the beginning sets the story up as being about Spike trying to spend time with Twilight, but that idea is pretty much dropped for most of the story. I think that at the very least, the ending should have found a way to return to that idea.

I'm with >>Rolo here in that the use of lampshade hanging worked well for me. Really what made this story for me was Winking Star's appearance at the end; otherwise, I don't think I would have been nearly as interested in this, as while the dialogue worked, it really needed that punchline at the end (which did actually make me chuckle, and Rainbow Dash's bit about Shining Armor and Applejack's line about Zephyr both drew little smirks).

Much as it pains me to say it, I don't know if you want to actually make this story any longer for FIMFiction unless you can do it without making it feel stretched, because the snappiness and shortness probably prevents the reader from getting bored with the lampshade hanging. If you do extend it, I'd probably try and make the setting pop a little more, and maybe add a little more backbiting (as backbiting is funny, and worked well for being mean to Zephyr - though I'd target the backbiting elsewhere, as I think what is in there is the right amount for Zephyr, and you don't want to belabor the point that he's a total NEET). Don't beat on the central joke any more than you already do, because I think you're at the limit for how much you can do that and still have it remain funny at the end.

That said, I would strongly consider inserting a description for Winking Star that makes it more obvious from her visual appearance that she's a unicorn, and also just, you know, lets us know what she looks like. Possibly indicating that she's Twilight's sister via her visual appearance would be good? Though really, thinking about this, you might want to avoid being too obvious about her being Twilight's sister, as that is sort of the punchline here at the end.

Overall, I did smile, even if the joke has been done before.

>>Rolo

I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's?

I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be Twilight's sister, given the final line:

“Oh, good.” Twilight’s sister smiled. “So, anypony want to listen to my speech about the meteor shower?”

I really like the symmetry between the first and last lines.

I don't have much else to say though. I think the story is pretty good, but not quite to my tastes. But that's on me, not you, author.

>>horizon
My apologies to the author and my thanks to you for pointing this out. I'll be sure to avoid comments like that in the future.

If you had left out the ponies and submitted this in an original fiction round, I think it might have done fairly well. But like others have said, this story does not at all fit in the Equestria we know. I can tell that you're a good writer, but this story definitely misses the mark for me.

I'm going to have to agree with FOME and Trick Question on this. Rationale is thrown out.

To add on the others, (and I am on my soapbox), Why would Fluttershy offer to chase out an animal? I think the episode "Bats" proves that she wouldn't volunteer for such a thing, even if the animal is a pest or a nuisance. (Correct me if I'm missing something FOME).

Anyways, not much else to say.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Btw, can I have the hyperlink for Estee's "Goosed!"?

>>Mordred
Did we read the same story? :rainbowhuh:

Quite literally the only thing that happened after the spell was cast is Moondancer slowed down to slower than a snail's pace: Minuette realizes it will take Moondancer many hours to finish blinking her eyes.

>>Trick_Question Oh. I just misunderstood the whole freaking story. :P Guess I'm dumb.

The foreshadowing is great, but I don't think the story's resolution was very interesting. This is clearly going for comedy, and there are many funnier things that might have happened. You might want to think about irony: having AJ do something that affects Twilight Sparkle directly provides a more relevant conflict to the plot.

As a general issue, with comedy you need to blend realism with exaggeration. You start off doing that very well, but then Twilight and AJ's characterizations go over the top in a way that isn't as humorous as it is unrealistic.

I don't really buy the idea that Twilight would give AJ anything deadly without providing supervision. Now, I can get behind that for the comedic value, but a 500-page manual is way too much of an exaggeration to seem real. I think you want some realism in the framework even if you're doing Police Squad-style humor.

Similarly, I don't think Applejack is this "simple". She uses a lot of tools (moreso than anypony else, to be honest), and here she comes off like an inbred stone-age barbarian.

This is cute. I'm getting a pretty strong shipping vibe, though. The personal space is just a little too invaded; the praise a little too heaped-upon. RD also seems to be making an argument for why she likes being with Scootaloo, but she never gives any reasons for it, which leads me to think it's intentionally unsaid because it's taboo (given Scoots' age, and for someone like bookplayer, also the sister-like relationship).

...also I'm just pervert who sees ScootaDash in a heartbeat. Nonetheless, I think Romance is hinted at here and I'm unconvinced by the narrative that it's intentional.

The summer sun could not fully penetrate the thick layer of apple leaves overhead from where three or four large trees had grown together at some time in Sweet Apple Acres’ history, leaving a little bark-lined pocket just the right size for a pair of pegasi to enjoy the afternoon.

This kind of construction is awkward, and you have a few sentences like these. Think about whether you're saying something redundant or not when you try to add qualifiers, and don't stuff too many ideas into one line. Of course the trees grew together "at some time in SAA's history". That phrase makes the sentence awkward and confusing, whereas without it, the meaning is clear.

This story is written well, and there are some aspects I really enjoyed. I thought Ember's portrayal felt real, and little bits like the pillow and trading comments, and Torch's glasses, brought a smile to my face.

The story suddenly stops, rather reaches a natural conclusion, however. It also felt to me as though Ember lacked the agency within the narrative for the prompt to feel addressed. Perhaps Torch needed to have a more specifically relevant tale to address this, or maybe Ember needed to have done something first hand.

I would definitely return to this in the future, however, if it was given more development and expanded on. Thanks for sharing your work.

The premise is amusing, but the story takes too long to reach its punchline. If it meandered a bit less (keep the conversation on-point and describe who is talking) that would allow it to be this long or longer and still work.

I don't think Dashie sounds like Dashie. I can't imagine her crowing about Shining Armor being attractive given that she's never noticed something like that about anypony apart from the Wonderbolts. It was a distraction, unless you were also injecting "oh Rainbow Dash is straight by the by", in which case you need to push it much harder so the joke is obvious. This is also a good example of meandering away from the central joke.

“Scared?”

“Lazy?”

I think if you're not going to tell us who said what, you should make it obvious. Cheap example:

"Ooh! Ooh! Scared?"

"Lazy, darling?"

You forgot to end your story.

I agree with Trick: this fic is pretty obscure. There is some derision in it: I mean, that first metaphor of yours has to be campy, but past this first section, it's hard to say if you're being serious again or if they whole story is just a big send-up.

I suppose we deal with Lyra in different timelines, each one separated from the other by a Big Bang. But I'm not sure what the takeaway is: is she caught in a perpetual time loop or just victim of her own inability to cast the spell correctly?

In all, not bad, but sorely lacking clarity,

I did think there is the germ of an interesting idea here, as has already been stated quite succinctly. I don't think spending so much time on the song was the best use of your available words, though. I appreciate the attempt at experimentation, but only about fifty percent (maybe) of it felt overly relevant to the narrative, and the rest just absorbed words that would have been better spent exploring its context, which, by contrast, was undernourished. You could have probably had the characters simply discussing the more relevant lines perhaps, but I appreciate that might have taken the story away from the stylistic approach you wanted to run with.

Interesting, and commendable, but it didn't really do it for me. Thanks for sharing your work, though.

I think saying Winona was at the grave every night isn't sufficient to date it properly. I would add a "last week" or something so we know. It's clear Mac's still mourning, but a sense of scale would remove some of the ambiguity and assure us nothing very odd is happening (are Winona and Mac mourning abnormally long?).

Are the italicized words memories of a conversation with Twilight? Are they supposed to be unspoken conversation between them? I'm not sure.

At the end, I'm left not knowing whether AJ's smile is genuine or forced, and that's too important to the message to leave ambiguous.

I don't really buy the way the premise is sold, because Granny certainly doesn't run the farm. AJ's been the head of it throughout the series: Granny's too old, and Mac lacks leadership skills. It's true that they'd have to pick up the slack, but the management wouldn't have really shifted.

Stetson

Ooh! Ooh! "Steedson"! :pinkiehappy:

I... actually quite liked this, though I honestly couldn't form a cohesive sentence to explain why.

I just did.

The way the last line recasts Spike's trauma from PTSD to jealous depression is brilliant.

As a Sparity shipper, I really like this piece. I wouldn't change a thing. (And no, sadly it isn't mine, because I'd publish this on FF immediately.) :yay:

she felt she should probably keep watching to make sure Derpy was safe

Probably? I'd think it far more imperative than that. It would almost be ponyslaughter to turn away at that point.

I don't like the last line. The action is very telly, and I also don't really like what Derpy says because it sounds equivocal toward Rose's good fortune.

Try something like:

After a moment, Derpy smiled brightly and said, "I guess today wasn't so bad after all!"

...or something like that.

Fortunately, Derpy did eventually discover her talent.

“Throw away a book?” Twilight looked at him as if he spouted heresy.
Heh, that made me laugh. I also liked some of the language you used in this. There isn't really a strong enough connection between Twi's motivation and the outcome/punchline for the latter to really work, but I appreciate that the word limit may have had some role to play in that. It does need a more complete resolution, however.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Air displaced by the falling rocks pushed her, and she shot from the corridor like a dart ejected from a blowgun.

This is not how physics works. The air gets sucked up into the space the rocks previously occupied (otherwise, they couldn't fall down: the vacuum pressure would hold them in place).

"Tinged" refers specifically to color, not scent, so try a different word. It's also not clear where she's bleeding from, and that probably bears mention if it's enough for her to smell and enough to make a blood smear on the floor that you can see from a distance. It would be more realistic if you didn't mention blood at all, honestly.

Others have commented on the "why can't the Sphynx leave" already, but that should be addressed.

>>PinoyPony
If nothing else, Fluttershy would probably lend a hoof when the situation had escalated to ludicrously untenable levels. An infested orchard is one thing. A town awash in pigeon poop is quite another.

Also, here's the link.

>>Trick_Question

Why does Coko say Midnight mumbles when he never mumbles in the story?

Hm... I felt that was implied by Coko asking him to repeat himself.

I do agree with Trick_Question though, there is a lot of this that felt too vague and dreamlike for me to really establish what was going on. I like to consider myself a fairly intuitive reader, but a little more explicit detail would be welcome.

That said, I did like this; it was written well and the language was evocative. Thanks for sharing your work.

I kinda wish I had something more to say for this story, because it is delightfully written, and the sequence where Clockwork is, um, clock-watching conveyed tension extremely well with such a small number of words. It's not my cup of tea, but that's purely down to individual preference, and takes nothing away from its qualities. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.

I only have picky comments for this one.

I was confused by "those plain, unoriginal monstrosities" because it implies you're referring to something previously mentioned, and you haven't explicitly mentioned anything that matches. Maybe if you'd mentioned the inventions of the other ponies first then it would work. Otherwise, use "their" instead of "those".

A millennium (-um is the singular) is a thousand years, not a million years.

I think "may" needs to be "might".

I wonder if Luna ever feels mischievous enough to move around all the constellations, or create new ones, every now and then. I'd love to read about that, and how she ends up getting sued by the magazines displaying now-inaccurate horoscope essays.

But this was fun too. The style of writing captures the feel of a horoscope very well, but the sheer length of it kinda made this one even more outlandish than usual. I also didn't feel it captured the essence of the prompt in a particularly strong way.

That said, I enjoyed reading this one. Thanks for sharing.

I thought that coffee was supposed to make you hyper, not insane. Basically, this story was a huge, predictable mess. It's basically just "here are a bunch of weird things happening" and nothing else. I think it could possibly have worked better if you had done more with Starlight and Spike and found ways to make their dialogue more interesting/amusing, because they're the ones who really need to carry this story.

That was cute and amusing. There were a few bits that I had to reread a few times to understand, but I think those were mostly my own fault for trying to read while sleep deprived. I imagine this story will end up fairly high on my ballot.

Genre: Cringe comedy

Thoughts: So, wait... what happened during the break? I feel dumb because everyone else seems to be getting it, but I feel like I missed something. The ending joke makes me think it was pretty bad, but I'm left feeling uncertain, because Dash was already not enjoying the experience prior to the shovel thing happening; how much worse can it get? It also seems a bit unhelpful to say that there's only one option without making it quite a bit clearer what that is.

Still, this is very well done overall, and manages to be funny for me despite that issue. I'm willing to trust that other reviewers are picking up on the thing I missed, which ultimately makes that more my problem than the story's. I might have felt differently if I was the first reviewer, though.

Tier: Top contender

This is cute, and pink poni best poni. :pinkiehappy:

However, I'm not sure it flowed properly, and the ending didn't bring anything new I didn't gather from the start. Putting the twist in the title makes it too obvious.

I also get the feeling that there are a bunch of references here I don't get. I had to Google to get Discworld and read TD's comment for Street Fighter, etc.

...only glowing ruby coals to mark its eyes...

That's hard to read as figurative.

The writing's good and I like the unusual method of presenting the story, but the problem is that there's not much actual story here that I can pick out. All I got from it was that there was some ancient griffon king whose rule has mostly been lost to time. And I think a dragon attack was probably involved somewhere along the way.

>>Trick_Question

This kind of construction is awkward, and you have a few sentences like these. Think about whether you're saying something redundant or not when you try to add qualifiers, and don't stuff too many ideas into one line. Of course the trees grew together "at some time in SAA's history". That phrase makes the sentence awkward and confusing, whereas without it, the meaning is clear.

This is very much a matter of personal preference. I actually love long, journeyeing sentences with layers of description - IF they are made to flow well and guide the reader along without confusion. The construction you pointed out is actually very well done, to my eyes, and if I were to be - or am - the author of this piece, I suspect I would be - or am - mighty satisfied with it.

That aside, it took me a bit of time to figure out why this story does feel like "2 stories that gradually wind together like a rope" (as >>Haze said). It's because Scootaloo's perspective is dropped two-thirds through. The story starts off being told through her eyes, and the subjective descriptions certainly seem to belong to her. But as soon as Applejack is introduced, it's like Scootaloo evaporates completely; the established POV character disappears from under the reader. That's why it feels like an unrelated story has suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

The story would be well-served, I think, by having a bit more of Scootaloo's feeling or thoughts, specifically about Applejack, added. Her wondering that the shouting is all about; maybe asking about it. If the author wants to keep it subtle, maybe just watching to see if Rainbow will react. Just... something there to keep Scootaloo in the story.

The title confuses me, and I suspect it's saying something subtle, like "Twilight was my 'wings'," or something poetic? But that isn't clear enough, so it doesn't make sense to me. The comma means "I used to have wings and now I don't", and this doesn't apply to any of the characters.

I would echo TD's comment about Twilight being disconnected, although I think the problem is more about her not thinking of anypony other than Dash. There should be some clues in there about her life that allow reflection on her absence. Currently, the disconnection does serve the purpose of making Twilight seem like a distant memory, but I'm not sure that's worth the schizy bits.

"too be" should be "to be".

Genre: Historical drama

Thoughts: This needs some minor proofreading/cleanup, but nothing too serious. It has a strong setup for the central conversation, and I like the gist of that conversation, but our hero's capitulation and subsequent transformation come a bit too quickly to feel satisfying. I wish there was more of a payoff for the changes at the end, in part because I haven't seen this kind of a take on the period of history presented here, and I think the author could do it justice.

This has potential but it needs more words.

Tier: Needs work

I'm used to pronk, but stott is new on me. I think that degree of action needs to be supported by more than a single word, too: let us know she's bouncing around the lab, if she actually is.

I fear I don't get the point of the story. Is it comedy? Has Twilight lost her mind, or is she just being dense? Should I feel mirth or sadness? I can't imagine Twilight being this dense because she's too practical. What does this have to do with Starlight Glimmer, apart with 'somepony to share it with'?

It's a great idea with good execution, but the premise is so bizarre I'm a bit lost at the end about what the intent was. I'm going to guess comedy.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Eh. I see complaints about LUS so often I feel like it's way too automatic a criticism. I admit it's subjective, but I personally don't much like names being repeated back and forth. A bit of physical description, so long as it's not confusing, keeps the semantics fresh and efficiently reinforces the visual-physical feel of a scene. In this specific case, I'm not too bothered by it.

My issue with this story is that one of the two halves should be shorter. As it is, the second scene is a punchline that is way too drawn out and overstays its welcome, to the point of becoming awkward. Still, I can appreciate what it's doing; it's just rather clunky at it.

I can also see this working with the second scene given first, then a couple of paragraphs of the first scene to give the ending punchline.

I don't want to say Calvin & Hobbes, because nothing can match up to Calvin & Hobbes.......... ok it's like Muppet Babies. Muppet Babies was pretty good. this fic's pretty good too.

I liked that it didn't break character, even at the end. though the Super Evil Overlord seemed to give in to their demands a little too quickly.

This is cute. It's a little confusing initially, because "the other mare" makes it sound like there is a third mare present, and you also mentioned the librarian, and it takes a while to reveal who is who. So try to make that less confusing I guess.

I didn't care for the mucus.

I think the actual correct answer was for Twilight to use her knowledge of magical theory to realize that the spell would never work. Like >>TitaniumDragon said, Twilight's "solution" doesn't really work for a story, unless you were trying to say that Twilight solves her problems trying harder and harder until something goes wrong and she runs away and hides.

I think a better way to tell this story might have been to have Celestia give Twilight a task that seemed impossible to her, but that the readers realize could easily be solved if she just grabbed Spike, Cadance, Moondancer, and/or any other friends she might have had at the time and asked them for help. I don't know what that task could be though.

Genre: Horror?

Thoughts: I'm pretty sure this is a cool little horror piece that aims a bit high for what the minific format allows. However, there's a chance that it's actually just a slice-of-life where Luna is trying to save Spike from the embarrassment of *ahem* nocturnal emissions. :trollestia:

In all seriousness, this worked for me for the most part, but the ending needs something more. The closing line in particular reads like an attempt to provide some clarity and closure to the situation, but it doesn't get me far enough. I didn't feel like there was enough natural build-up either to the door opening, or to Spike's decision to reach out. I'd also like to get a clearer sense of what's at stake, and what the consequences of Spike's decision would look like either way.

Tier: Almost there

the first half's great.

second half's kind of.... creepy. and uncomfortable. now I just feel sad for the character, rather than laughing at his expense.

(dang changelings. their mere existence instantly ruins good comedy setups like this one)

This is too much. Hyper is fine, crazy is fine, but intentionally injuring Spike and Owlowicious? I don't buy it.

Dodging the tanks and crates? To dodge is active, so the tanks and crates would have to be moving. I'm guessing you meant "wove between" or something.

I think some of the suggested violence is a bit much, because it pulls to far out of Ponyville territory: "snap their necks", etc.

Also I presumed bioweapons would be something butt-related and I'm not sure what those actually were.

It should be mouth full of cookie, not cookies (at the end).

I get it! it's cuz his name is Callous! so everyone thinks he is! though that trait is not emphasized much in the text. he's certainly arrogant and clever, but hard to say if he acts callous towards others. so maybe I'm wrong here.

I've never seen a clock tower with a second hand...? at first I was wondering how the crowd could tell the clock had stopped moving, because most big clocks. then I reread it and realized "smallest hand" wasn't referring to the minute hand.

I was actually hoping worse would happen, like the mechanism is gradually tearing apart on the inside, the failure heard but not seen. then, it finally stops, and silence. I think that'd be even more eerie. AND THEN IT EXPLODES! okay, fine fine, this is your story, not mine.

Hmm. It's hard to know how to feel about this. Blueblood as a PUA is even more unlikeable than Blueblood the narcissist, and he's pretty rapey in this story. Cockneytavia is likewise very unpleasant. I'm not sure why telling mares he's a prince would work, because clearly he doesn't believe somepony is a princess, so why should ponies believe him?

I think the idea is I should find it humorous that presumably he's going to be oversexed by Octavia...? As if that's poetic justice for drugging/raping mares? The story doesn't convince me that Blueblood is actually in any trouble, and at the end of the story I haven't found a character I can identify with enough to care what happens to them. It's a nice idea but it's killed by character unlikeability (for me).

Cockneytavia FTW, though.

I think Starlight is more talented (or, older and more studied) than Twilight, so I wouldn't say "more magical" is an accurate view from her perspective. It's just the friendship she lacks.

I'm a little lost on what I'm reading. Is it a scholarly paper all three mares got together to write? It seems almost like it would be more straightforward as a support-group meeting, or even contributions to a book, because I'm not seeing how Moondancer meets the others, or how their collaboration worked.

This is dangerous territory because some ponies may see this as a political statement against affirmative action. I seriously doubt that's the case, but it's worth mentioning you should tread carefully and be aware of how ponies may mistakenly take offense if they see this as a message piece. It doesn't currently read like an author tract, but if you expand the dialogue any, that will be a risk.

>>Rolo
I frequently think ponies should stop a paragraph before they do, but in this case I'm not sure I agree. The crying seems a bit uncharacteristically maudlin, but I notice Luna's behaviors foreshadowing her pushing closer to her student so that she can eventually get in a hug and I kind of like that.

That said, the last line is too different from the previous one. If you're going to have that last part you need the transition to be a little smoother. I think this would work better expanded a bit—but again, with care about the message.

And while I'm here, this story's on my slate, so let's drop a review.

"Show, don't tell" is overused advice that is not correct nearly as often as most people think, but this is a textbook example of when it would help. The first three paragraphs of this story tell us what is going on rather than showing us what is going on:

Starlight Glimmer couldn’t find Twilight Sparkle. She had been looking for her the whole morning, but the Princess had vanished. Her bedroom was empty and the clothes untouched, as if she hadn’t slept here. She wasn’t in the library either. That was strange, since Twilight had taken to keeping Starlight informed of her official trips.

Flummoxed, she had asked Spike if Twilight had anything on her agenda that day, but Spike had shrugged and pretended he didn’t know. So Starlight had carried on her quest on her own. In vain.

Both showing and telling have their place in writing, and the difference is in where you want to place your focus. The job of showing is to focus attention on things that are important to the story. The job of telling is to quickly gloss over elements, removing the focus from them. Readers will pay more attention to things they are shown, because the vivid details will keep them in the moment. This is the difference between "Twilight wasn't in the bedroom" and "Her bedroom was empty and the clothes untouched": the latter lets us see the bedroom, brings us into the search. Telling is, more or less, exposition.

Starting a story with a solid wall of telling, then, is a problem, because in the first few paragraphs it's critical to hook your reader — give them something to make them keep going. But the first 18% of your story by wordcount is (or feels like) exposition. Either Starlight's search for Twilight is important to your story — in which case, you should show it rather than tell, and drag us in right away — or it isn't, in which case telling lets you hurry through the material to get to the interesting bits, but it would be better yet to remove all this exposition and just start where the action does (with Starlight talking to her in the basement).

Anyway.

This is sort of an ascended nitpick, but "seven-inch diameter" really threw me. Diameter is the measurement of a circle (or ring) from one side to the other. It sounds like what you're talking about is the thickness of the material? It does seem odd that you would describe the ring as generically "massive" and then specify the metal thickness, though. If you had provided both measurements, or neither, it would have read more smoothly.

And, well … the punchline. I've already written a small essay on this entry; anyone else want to take a stab on why the humor doesn't land, and how to fix it? My first stab would be something like "nothing in the rest of the story's build-up foreshadows it, and jokes are about subverting expectations," but I think that's not 100% it.

Sorry I don't have much positive to say, author. Take heart: You put yourself out there and spent the weekend writing, and the mere fact of committing words to screen means that you automatically beat everyone who didn't work up the nerve or the creativity to enter. Though this story has some flaws, figuring out what could be better is the first step in editing this into a stronger presentation, and whether or not you do, you'll learn things from this that will improve your writing. My own writing career has 20+ years of stumbles like this; the big difference is that I shook most of them out of my system early, so that the average story I write these days does a pretty good job of saying what it means and engaging with audiences in an entertaining way. The failures are an integral part of that process — we don't learn anything from praise, only from exploding exciting new textual landmines and figuring out how to dodge them next time.

Tier: Needs Work

o< QUACK

Ron Burgundy: "Boy, that escalated quickly!"

actually I liked the "excessive shaky-cam" effect here, because it's used intentionally. as a parody

the introduction needs a clear setting, because I couldn't form a clear picture at all. at first I assumed this was some Star Trek style meeting. then in the next scene I thought it was a Fallout world setting. this was annoying and it almost lost me.

I missed the mention of "capture the flag" the first time, but now it seems like a dead giveaway for the ending.

My biggest gripe with this is that the montage sequence is a different tense than the rest of the story. Pretty jarring, in my opinion, but aside from that I've got not much else to say. You've got excellent characterization, pretty good ending, and it was pretty entertaining overall. I loved your way of presenting Discord as well.

>>horizon

Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line.

I think Deadpan works fine here. it's commonly associated with humor, but isn't intrinsic to its definition. Maud Pie rarely tries to be funny.
ON THE OTHER HOOF, in this context it doesn't seem like Twilight is deadpanning at all. her dialogue suggests some delivery of emotion. it's inconceivable to deadpan those sentences. and pretty soon she's lost her poker face and is "stammering" so it doesn't flow very well.

In this fic, I think I would almost prefer if there really was zany cheating going on. it doesn't feel like I was "mislead" into a joke, but more like all those verbal exchanges were just distractions so it didn't have to show what was actually happening. it was like the story was constantly trying to go off-topic, change the subject, etc. so actually getting the payoff didn't feel very rewarding to me.

Genre: Cringe comedy

Thoughts: Egad, that's some plan, Rainbow.

I think this is trying to downplay the squickiness of Rainbow's plan by appealing to the potential humor of the intended victim having taken very specific precautions against this kind of depredation. But I dare say there isn't enough humor in that alone to keep this funny. I contrast this with One Night Stand, where the tone was more overtly sleazy, but the characters at least (kinda) made sense in that context and there was (kinda) still an element of... I dunno, is "consent" the word I'm looking for here?

I just couldn't make the jump to believing that Rainbow would do this. More to the point, the story didn't really do anything to help me make that jump. Looking past that, though, I think the latter part was quite a bit better executed than the opening. I had trouble keeping the speakers straight in the first part, while the second part was clearer and tighter.

Tier: Needs work

reminds me of an old Maakies comic. which I can't find.

I don't care about the logistics here.
but the pigeons shitting is funnier than the ironic solution.
however, the pigeon situation is so random, so brazenly unexplained, that it feels like the story dies right there.

This story gives me an uncomfortableness, Writer, but in a good way. I suspect it was your intent to create a pervasive feeling of disorientation and wrongness to the events that unfold, and if so, you succeeded admirably. This was a strong start to my slate.

My one main criticism is that I feel you tip your hand a bit too early in the narrative - from the moment Rarity's eye flashes from blue to red to blue again, I had a general sense for how this story was going to play out (though I didn't grok the It's A Dream part until Luna showed up in the portrait), and because of that, "Rarity's" sultriness was automatically suspect. It may have more of an impact if you hold off until after Luna appears in the portrait for that particular reveal, to have an opportunity to pull the rug out from under the reader. Still, I really like the implication that Luna was having significant trouble getting through to Spike due to whatever defenses the creature-pretending-to-be-Rarity had set up.

That brings me to a second point, but I'm not sure how, or even if, it should be addressed - I don't have a good sense of the stakes at play in this story. Luna's involvement in and of itself lends weight to the conflict, and her urgency heightens that feeling quite a bit, but I don't know what the consequences would be if Spike failed to snap out of it, aside from "dire". Still, when it comes to horror, the more you see/know of the monster, the less impact it has, so this is probably just a personal hangup of mine (and a minor one at that).

Don't misunderstand me, Writer, I dig this story - well done.

This has one of the best opening lines I've seen since I've joined this competition.

However, the more I think about this story, Writer, the less sense it makes. I realize this is entirely the wrong tack to take with a lighthearted comedy like this, but please bear with me a moment.

One of the main sticking points of the story for me is that the "future wife" comment seems to come out of nowhere. It feels like we've landed on the Rarilight (Twility? nah) ship for no better reason than Rarity would be the one most scandalized by Twilight's indiscretions with someone's diary.

In fact, this whole story feels like it's been built in a sort of alt-world that has a whole lot of backstory that we're not privy to. This is an eclectic trio of characters to have bouncing off of each other - not so much for Twilight and Discord, but dropping Derpy in the middle seems like an arbitrary decision. Her inclusion just feels like justification to have babysitting be her investment in the game.

Speaking of which, we have no idea what the stakes are for Twilight and Discord - what are they getting out of the game if they win? Are we meant to assume the only stakes on the table are babysitting duty, and this is a means of rotating that task among the three of them? Are Twilight, Discord, and Derpy all roommates, and they're gambling on who has to look after the well-being of Jumper? If so, what sane mother would think Discord would be an adequate babysitter, and how would he be okay with being saddled with that sort of responsibility?

My point is, this story makes a lot of assumptions based on knowledge of a world that I'm not privy to, and while I can make the necessary leaps to piece together a framework that lets me make sense of things from the details that are included, it feels like an awful lot of work for what is, again, a lighthearted comedy. Sorry, Writer, but this missed the mark for me.

I really do like the concept of this, and think it's an original take on the prompt, but it needs to more clearly define what it is trying to say. There are times where the tone feels sharp and subtle, and other times where it seemed too genuine to be taken at anything other than face value. I think it would help if the individual authorial voices were more distinct; apart from Trixie's section the rest kind of flowed as one.

Having three sections referring to Twilight, and following with a section Twilight has written on her friendship with Celestia, might also have given this a punchier, expectation-defying ending. But I can fully appreciate that the word count would be against you there.

Not bad though, this. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing your work.

For some reason the 'D'aww' really irked me, but, uh, that was about it (aside from what's already been mentioned). This was great. Thanks for sharing.

>>Ceffyl_Dwr
That idea about Twilight writing a section for Celestia is kinda brilliant? I'd love to see that. Would give the piece a lot more depth.

I concur with everyone else. It’s not a pony story per se.

It’s dark, but not unheard of. I mean, it reminds me of this Chico Buarque’s song (French version by Frida Boccara), called Funeral of a Brazilian worker. The French version goes like this (no effort made to pull out rhymes):

You were just a child where men were needed. When Earth gives birth, it needs more arms.
Old enough to learn the name of the stars, hunched over the soil, you didn't see them.
You built your house under this tree, where birds come to nest but do not sing.
For your name to live on, you've chosen her who worked the soil as your neighbour.
Your children, like you, have hands harder than the wood of the pitchfork or the millstone.
Today once more, you go to the soil, but this time to rest.
You didn't even get to know the man
Whom you owed your daily handful of corn.
Maybe your children shall one day meet his.
He has not paid a lot for your hands
All that he has ever given to you, let me tell,
Is that old spot of soil where you now sleep.

So, yeah, that’s sad. There are some typos here and there (bleed instead of bled, for example).
But, even if we put aside the non-ponyness, what is the lesson you want to tell us here? The form you selected – a parable – clearly indicates that you want to teach us something. That life is absurd? Vain? Unjust? I'm not sure of the takeaway.

I chuckled, but I have no idea what the point of this was. Maybe the point was to chuckle? If so, well done!

I have to wonder, how often does Celestia see the back of her ungilded hoof? She wears her shoes to bed.

Ellipses imply a rather long pause and drag down the tense scene a little. Commas and em dashes are your friends there.

That was genuinely amusing, and the mini-sun is a fascinating idea. However, the bit with Luna spoiled the grand reveal and didn’t really add much in exchange. The narrative slips into past tense now and again, the occasional colloquialisms don’t sound right for Twilight, and a few proofreading fumbles slipped through the cracks. Plus, as TD noted, it’s not really clear where the private archives end and the rest of the stacks begin.

Still, you definitely have a strong base. Clean it up, keep the truth vague, and give Luna a reason to be there beyond saying “I told you so,” and you’ll vastly improve this.

I’m going to have to agree with the others; I’m really not sure where you’re going with this. The basic premise is literally unbelievable—one train simply cannot service an entire nation—and the subtext is lost on me. What is the significance of the ponies on the poster? Why are these two only sticking together for a week? As I noted earlier, how can this rail system even approach functionality?

The surreality here is interesting, but without anything concrete, it just feels ridiculous. I hope you refine and expand the concept; I want to see what you had in mind.

Callooh! Callay! A frabjous, beamish tale of that most chaotic of emotions and the struggle a spirit has with it, especially when it’s directed towards such a frumiously orderly entity. First-person Discord (or third-person limited, in this case) is always a fascinating perspective to explore, and this one manages to balance signal and noise almost perfectly. I see that my opinion’s in the minority, but I still got a big kick out of this.

Cheese out of Q outgrabing mome raths.

In its current form, this feels like a small part of a bigger story; it didn't really work as a minific at all. It needed greater focus at the planning stage to ensure it explored the right ideas and theme. The two paragraphs at the start concerning previous false alarms, for example, seem unnecessary to the subsequent narrative... Actually, so does the whole sequence introducing the invasion, now that I'm thinking about it. If the focus of this minific was to explore Fluttershy being a changeling, then you could drip-feed the invasion to the reader within the background detail, and give yourself more words to play around with for the central idea. Or use a less distracting setting entirely.

I guess the advice I'm giving is to decide on what the primary idea/concept/theme of your story is, and then build the story from there. This feels too much like the opposite has happened.

Thank you for sharing your work, though. As Monokeras said, this feels like the work of someone still developing their writing, and so I wholeheartedly urge you to continue, and not be too discouraged.