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A Most Dastardly Foe
Princess Celestia. She Who Brought Forth the Light. 1,000-year ruler of Equestria, and one of the most powerful creatures in the known world. Her feats were legendary, her magic unparalleled, her word law.
And this morning, she sat across from the greatest foe she’d ever known. Never before had her wits been so challenged. To think, this morning her only desire had been to have a light breakfast and relax. Nothing amazed her quite so much as the swiftness with which disaster might strike.
For that was what she faced today: disaster beyond imagining.
She licked her lips in anticipation and narrowed her eyes at her smiling foe. Oh, the foul creature feigned innocence well enough, but Celestia could feel the waves of guilty pleasure radiating from her. She would need all her cunning, every scrap of information regarding her opponent to win this round.
Magic was out of the question. Her foe was practically her equal and the potential for collateral damage was too high. This required discretion, for if word got out the press would be her enemy’s greatest weapon. No guards, then. Or any outside help, for that matter. And Celestia wasn’t so ignorant as to believe she could match her rival through mere physical combat. The very idea was laughable.
Words. Words would win this battle. Words and subtlety.
She began with small talk. Many an unprepared diplomat skipped this part, failing to recognize the vast importance of it. It brought the risk of ease, and allowed one to size up an opponent. Through such casual conversation as the pleasantness of the morning, Celestia could gauge her foe's skill in the arena of debate.
The pony sitting across from her took up the conversation without missing a beat. Hesitation indicated weakness, so this was unfortunate. Of course, the easy response could signify an ignorance towards the nature of things, but Celestia had no intention of underestimating the danger set before her.
Tea. Tea had helped her solve wars in the past, surely it could help with this. She took a dainty sip, then dared to bring up the truth of the matter. Nothing direct, of course. Just enough to observe a reaction.
Said reaction was nothing short of perfect. So perfect, Celestia had to take a longer sip to buy time. Letting her anger show wouldn’t do at this critical juncture. How could her opponent brush by the topic without even the slightest tell? It was like talking to a filly who didn’t realize she was killing her pet frog! Except in this case, Celestia felt like the frog.
Oh no, she was going for it. Celestia bit her lip, mind working frantically. This was all going far too quickly. If she didn’t react soon, and properly, all would be lost in a matter of seconds! Was this pony so cunning, so vicious as to rip her hope out from under her without giving it a chance to ignite?
Panic coursed through her mind. In her hurry to turn the tide of battle, she blurted something out. It was an offering, a gift, a sacrifice, but if it prevented this failure, then…
It was over. Celestia sagged, tears welling in her eyes as she witnessed the totality of her defeat. She would have no choice but slink to her throne and entertain the public, pretending that nothing was wrong. They’d all stare at her, grinning and happy and ignorant of the tragedy of this dour morning. Oh, how could they ever understand her pain?
Her foe stood, bade her good morning and turned away from the table. Just before departing the site of her victory, the villain turned back to her.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Celestia.” Luna’s lips quirked into the smallest of smiles. “Was that the last slice of cake?”
And this morning, she sat across from the greatest foe she’d ever known. Never before had her wits been so challenged. To think, this morning her only desire had been to have a light breakfast and relax. Nothing amazed her quite so much as the swiftness with which disaster might strike.
For that was what she faced today: disaster beyond imagining.
She licked her lips in anticipation and narrowed her eyes at her smiling foe. Oh, the foul creature feigned innocence well enough, but Celestia could feel the waves of guilty pleasure radiating from her. She would need all her cunning, every scrap of information regarding her opponent to win this round.
Magic was out of the question. Her foe was practically her equal and the potential for collateral damage was too high. This required discretion, for if word got out the press would be her enemy’s greatest weapon. No guards, then. Or any outside help, for that matter. And Celestia wasn’t so ignorant as to believe she could match her rival through mere physical combat. The very idea was laughable.
Words. Words would win this battle. Words and subtlety.
She began with small talk. Many an unprepared diplomat skipped this part, failing to recognize the vast importance of it. It brought the risk of ease, and allowed one to size up an opponent. Through such casual conversation as the pleasantness of the morning, Celestia could gauge her foe's skill in the arena of debate.
The pony sitting across from her took up the conversation without missing a beat. Hesitation indicated weakness, so this was unfortunate. Of course, the easy response could signify an ignorance towards the nature of things, but Celestia had no intention of underestimating the danger set before her.
Tea. Tea had helped her solve wars in the past, surely it could help with this. She took a dainty sip, then dared to bring up the truth of the matter. Nothing direct, of course. Just enough to observe a reaction.
Said reaction was nothing short of perfect. So perfect, Celestia had to take a longer sip to buy time. Letting her anger show wouldn’t do at this critical juncture. How could her opponent brush by the topic without even the slightest tell? It was like talking to a filly who didn’t realize she was killing her pet frog! Except in this case, Celestia felt like the frog.
Oh no, she was going for it. Celestia bit her lip, mind working frantically. This was all going far too quickly. If she didn’t react soon, and properly, all would be lost in a matter of seconds! Was this pony so cunning, so vicious as to rip her hope out from under her without giving it a chance to ignite?
Panic coursed through her mind. In her hurry to turn the tide of battle, she blurted something out. It was an offering, a gift, a sacrifice, but if it prevented this failure, then…
It was over. Celestia sagged, tears welling in her eyes as she witnessed the totality of her defeat. She would have no choice but slink to her throne and entertain the public, pretending that nothing was wrong. They’d all stare at her, grinning and happy and ignorant of the tragedy of this dour morning. Oh, how could they ever understand her pain?
Her foe stood, bade her good morning and turned away from the table. Just before departing the site of her victory, the villain turned back to her.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Celestia.” Luna’s lips quirked into the smallest of smiles. “Was that the last slice of cake?”
The back and forth was really nice, the pacing was nice, the grammar was nice (I think), the tension was pretty cool. I apologize for this, but I can't think of anything to criticize about this story. It's nice for what it is. The mystery of it is really cool as well, even though I figured out who it was pretty early in. Although I thought they were playing chess. XD
Genre: Feghoot
Thoughts: This does a good job of building toward the eventual reveal of what's going on, and it made me smile when it got there. But it's like half the story is missing; we only see Celestia's thoughts about what's going on, not any action at all. As such, it ends up being extremely telly.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: This does a good job of building toward the eventual reveal of what's going on, and it made me smile when it got there. But it's like half the story is missing; we only see Celestia's thoughts about what's going on, not any action at all. As such, it ends up being extremely telly.
Tier: Needs work
This was too obvious from the get-go, robbing the reveal of any of its impact. Frankly, the title gave it away. Consequently, it was just going through the usual motions of every story like this.
Please spell out “thousand” in the future.
You definitely overplayed your hand with the delayed reveal. You left enough hints (breakfast, a pony who’s Celestia’s magical equal, etc.) to make it obvious, so eliding over the details makes the prose feel more lazy than mysterious. Good attempt, but it didn’t work at your current level of vagueness. Either more or less could, but not this specific degree.
You definitely overplayed your hand with the delayed reveal. You left enough hints (breakfast, a pony who’s Celestia’s magical equal, etc.) to make it obvious, so eliding over the details makes the prose feel more lazy than mysterious. Good attempt, but it didn’t work at your current level of vagueness. Either more or less could, but not this specific degree.
This is cute but super-obvious, and the lack of interaction outside Celestia's head makes the novelty linger past the point where it's interesting.
There are many different potential fixes to this story. You're close to something adorable and humorous, but not quite there.
There are many different potential fixes to this story. You're close to something adorable and humorous, but not quite there.
The concept of this was somewhat obvious, but I appreciated, and was surprised by, the use of a different device/prop in its execution; I genuinely thought it was another of those fics concerning a game of chess. I tip my hat.
I don't mind that the focus is almost entirely on Celestia's thoughts so much as Celestia herself never giving the impression she's responding to anything in particular. It would be helpful for her thoughts to be anchored to the actions of Luna ; like, actually have Celestia detailing what her foe is doing as part of her inner monologue.
There's a good line in tension, even if it is almost bleached by the suggestive undercurrent of humour in the narrative, and I quite liked the character of Celestia here. Pretty cute, and not too shabby. Thanks for sharing.
I don't mind that the focus is almost entirely on Celestia's thoughts so much as Celestia herself never giving the impression she's responding to anything in particular. It would be helpful for her thoughts to be anchored to the actions of Luna ; like, actually have Celestia detailing what her foe is doing as part of her inner monologue.
There's a good line in tension, even if it is almost bleached by the suggestive undercurrent of humour in the narrative, and I quite liked the character of Celestia here. Pretty cute, and not too shabby. Thanks for sharing.
This made me think:
Of my all dialogue chicken story from the last original minific contest, actually. 'Cause it's, y'know, the complete opposite.
But "no dialogue" stories are every bit as hard to pull off, I find. Maybe a compromise: give us Celestia's thoughts as well as the actual words she speaks out loud?
Mike
Of my all dialogue chicken story from the last original minific contest, actually. 'Cause it's, y'know, the complete opposite.
But "no dialogue" stories are every bit as hard to pull off, I find. Maybe a compromise: give us Celestia's thoughts as well as the actual words she speaks out loud?
Mike
A Most Dastardly Foe - B - First sin, 1,000 instead of spelling it out. Building the stress in the story went only part-way, because there was no give and take, just give. That gave the story no compelling thread to follow, or progression, much like watching a tennis match with only one side serving and the other not doing anything.
>>Not_Worthy2 >>CoffeeMinion >>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
>>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny >>georg
Wow, next to last place. Can't say I'm surprised, though; I've never tried a story like this one before, and more or less threw it out there to give my brain room to think up something better. But it's not a bad experience by any means, as I now have some solid criticism to look at should I ever decide to try something like this again.
I like to think of myself as a multi-genre author. Sometimes, that step into the unexplored path ends up being a slip, trip and bone-breaking fall. I'll just pick myself up, brush off the dust, set the leg and try again.
I'm not out of it yet, though! I've got one more story out there, and its fate has yet to be determined.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
>>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny >>georg
Wow, next to last place. Can't say I'm surprised, though; I've never tried a story like this one before, and more or less threw it out there to give my brain room to think up something better. But it's not a bad experience by any means, as I now have some solid criticism to look at should I ever decide to try something like this again.
I like to think of myself as a multi-genre author. Sometimes, that step into the unexplored path ends up being a slip, trip and bone-breaking fall. I'll just pick myself up, brush off the dust, set the leg and try again.
I'm not out of it yet, though! I've got one more story out there, and its fate has yet to be determined.
>>PaulAsaran
You (probably) didn't actually get next-to-last place. The actual results don't come out until after finals are over. Right now, they're just in the order they were randomly assigned for the gallery.
You (probably) didn't actually get next-to-last place. The actual results don't come out until after finals are over. Right now, they're just in the order they were randomly assigned for the gallery.
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Oroboro
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