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Who She Really Is
The alarms went off early on Sunday morning. Five thirty two am, to be exact. The constant, ear-splitting drone they sent out roused Twilight Sparkle from her slumber, and she awoke with a start.
After tumbling out of bed, she stood up, grunted in annoyance, and looked outside. Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi flailed around Ponyville in complete terror. Panic spread as ponies began to hear the sirens.
Twilight rolled her eyes at this. She'd bet half of them didn't even know what the emergency was, if there was one. The alarms had been going on at least once a week, and the same thing happened every time. It was always a false alarm, and Twilight didn't expect this one to be any different.
Casually, she slid away from the window and used her magic to make her bed. She then quickly straightened her mane and trotted outside. She liked to be the one to inform everypony that they were overreacting.
But as soon as Twilight began to open her mouth to talk, she saw that the alarms weren't malfunctioning. In front of her, changelings swarmed the streets of Ponyville, terrorizing everypony in their path. Her eyes widening, Twilight darted back inside and shut the door. This had not been on her schedule of things to do today.
My Little Pony theme song break...
Twilight heard a frantic knock on her door. Cautiously, she opened the door. She didn't know what to expect. A changeling? Some pony wanting a place to hide? Some-
It was just her friends. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stood at the door. But could she trust it was really them? Changelings can take the form of anypony...
"Don't even think about it, Twi," Applejack said, catching her friend's glance. "We ain't changelings. Let us in, please."
Twilight giggled a little despite the situation and opened the door wider to let the girls in, slamming it behind them.
"Jeez, chill, Twilight," Rainbow laughed. Twilight glared her way, which shut her up.
"Anyway, we were wonderin' if you knew anythin' about why them changeling things are back," Applejack explained. "And how. Didn't we blast 'em far away somewhere? Or, your brother 'n Cadence did, anyway."
"We did. I just now realized the changelings were back. I haven't gotten a chance to find anything out," Twilight said. She paused, then looked confused for a moment. "Hey, have any of you seen Fluttershy?"
"Now that you mention it, no," Rarity commented. "She didn't come with us because we couldn't find her at her cottage."
"We left her a note on her door," Rainbow added.
Just at that moment, the door burst open. "Sorry I'm late, guys. I was busy with Angel," Fluttershy said in her usual soft voice. Everyone stared at her.
"Silly Flutters!" Pinkie giggled. "You weren't at your cottage! How could you be with Angel?"
"Oh, um, I..." Fluttershy stuttered. "That's because I was...looking for him in the Everfree forest."
She got plenty of odd looks until Twilight finally said, "Alright, then." They continued to talk about the situation.
Fluttershy snuck into the throne room of Twilight's castle while the others got a snack. She gently closed the door so nopony would hear her or see her. After that, she revealed her secret. Fluttershy was a changeling. She transformed into her holy, black, bug-eyed form and began to open a window.
The door creaked open. "Flutter-!" Twilight stopped mid sentence at what she saw. "What?! How did she trick me?! I let a changeling into my castle!"
"Wait, Twilight! I-it's not what you think!" The changeling shifted back into Fluttershy.
"What is it then?"
Fluttershy glanced out the open window, then looked back to Twilight. She sighed. "Look, Twilight. There's something I never told you. I'm actually a changeling."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have been all along. I found that the life of a changeling was terrible and I moved to Ponyville, took on a new identity, and ended up where I am now."
"Wait a minute. So I've been friends with a changeling this entire time? But...why? How?"
Fluttershy sighed once again. "I'm sorry, Twilight. But I have to go now." Tears sprung to her eyes as she changed back into a changeling and flew out the window, leaving Twilight confused in the throne room.
After tumbling out of bed, she stood up, grunted in annoyance, and looked outside. Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi flailed around Ponyville in complete terror. Panic spread as ponies began to hear the sirens.
Twilight rolled her eyes at this. She'd bet half of them didn't even know what the emergency was, if there was one. The alarms had been going on at least once a week, and the same thing happened every time. It was always a false alarm, and Twilight didn't expect this one to be any different.
Casually, she slid away from the window and used her magic to make her bed. She then quickly straightened her mane and trotted outside. She liked to be the one to inform everypony that they were overreacting.
But as soon as Twilight began to open her mouth to talk, she saw that the alarms weren't malfunctioning. In front of her, changelings swarmed the streets of Ponyville, terrorizing everypony in their path. Her eyes widening, Twilight darted back inside and shut the door. This had not been on her schedule of things to do today.
My Little Pony theme song break...
Twilight heard a frantic knock on her door. Cautiously, she opened the door. She didn't know what to expect. A changeling? Some pony wanting a place to hide? Some-
It was just her friends. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stood at the door. But could she trust it was really them? Changelings can take the form of anypony...
"Don't even think about it, Twi," Applejack said, catching her friend's glance. "We ain't changelings. Let us in, please."
Twilight giggled a little despite the situation and opened the door wider to let the girls in, slamming it behind them.
"Jeez, chill, Twilight," Rainbow laughed. Twilight glared her way, which shut her up.
"Anyway, we were wonderin' if you knew anythin' about why them changeling things are back," Applejack explained. "And how. Didn't we blast 'em far away somewhere? Or, your brother 'n Cadence did, anyway."
"We did. I just now realized the changelings were back. I haven't gotten a chance to find anything out," Twilight said. She paused, then looked confused for a moment. "Hey, have any of you seen Fluttershy?"
"Now that you mention it, no," Rarity commented. "She didn't come with us because we couldn't find her at her cottage."
"We left her a note on her door," Rainbow added.
Just at that moment, the door burst open. "Sorry I'm late, guys. I was busy with Angel," Fluttershy said in her usual soft voice. Everyone stared at her.
"Silly Flutters!" Pinkie giggled. "You weren't at your cottage! How could you be with Angel?"
"Oh, um, I..." Fluttershy stuttered. "That's because I was...looking for him in the Everfree forest."
She got plenty of odd looks until Twilight finally said, "Alright, then." They continued to talk about the situation.
Fluttershy snuck into the throne room of Twilight's castle while the others got a snack. She gently closed the door so nopony would hear her or see her. After that, she revealed her secret. Fluttershy was a changeling. She transformed into her holy, black, bug-eyed form and began to open a window.
The door creaked open. "Flutter-!" Twilight stopped mid sentence at what she saw. "What?! How did she trick me?! I let a changeling into my castle!"
"Wait, Twilight! I-it's not what you think!" The changeling shifted back into Fluttershy.
"What is it then?"
Fluttershy glanced out the open window, then looked back to Twilight. She sighed. "Look, Twilight. There's something I never told you. I'm actually a changeling."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have been all along. I found that the life of a changeling was terrible and I moved to Ponyville, took on a new identity, and ended up where I am now."
"Wait a minute. So I've been friends with a changeling this entire time? But...why? How?"
Fluttershy sighed once again. "I'm sorry, Twilight. But I have to go now." Tears sprung to her eyes as she changed back into a changeling and flew out the window, leaving Twilight confused in the throne room.
Oh, I’m the first here.
Well, this undoubtedly has the fragrance and the sweet taste of a beginner’s work. It’s a nice candy, but – though I’m not in a position to lecture you, being myself one of the most spastic authors of this group – I will be surprised if it goes very far. You should improve the plot (a bit flimsy and maybe somewhat tired), the execution and the English itself.
I hope this won’t discourage you. On the contrary, I prod you to carry on, even if it's sometimes hard to suck it up, believe me. I’m looking forward to reading your next fiction! :)
Well, this undoubtedly has the fragrance and the sweet taste of a beginner’s work. It’s a nice candy, but – though I’m not in a position to lecture you, being myself one of the most spastic authors of this group – I will be surprised if it goes very far. You should improve the plot (a bit flimsy and maybe somewhat tired), the execution and the English itself.
I hope this won’t discourage you. On the contrary, I prod you to carry on, even if it's sometimes hard to suck it up, believe me. I’m looking forward to reading your next fiction! :)
So, Twilight is roused from her slumber, then awakens? That feels a bit redundant.
Well. That was essentially a nonevent. The story barely considers the paranoia that comes with a changeling invasion, (“Let us in!” “What if you’re changelings?” “We’re not.” “Okay.”) and forgets about its own conflict to take a sharp left turn into I Am So It Matters Junction (two stops down from Would It Matter If I Was Township.) Also, Twilight left a window open in the middle of a hostile invasion.
This needs a complete revamp, reorganization, and expansion to pin down all of the plot threads and develop them to a satisfactory degree.
My Little Pony theme song break…No. Bad author. Your sense of immersion didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment.
Well. That was essentially a nonevent. The story barely considers the paranoia that comes with a changeling invasion, (“Let us in!” “What if you’re changelings?” “We’re not.” “Okay.”) and forgets about its own conflict to take a sharp left turn into I Am So It Matters Junction (two stops down from Would It Matter If I Was Township.) Also, Twilight left a window open in the middle of a hostile invasion.
This needs a complete revamp, reorganization, and expansion to pin down all of the plot threads and develop them to a satisfactory degree.
In its current form, this feels like a small part of a bigger story; it didn't really work as a minific at all. It needed greater focus at the planning stage to ensure it explored the right ideas and theme. The two paragraphs at the start concerning previous false alarms, for example, seem unnecessary to the subsequent narrative... Actually, so does the whole sequence introducing the invasion, now that I'm thinking about it. If the focus of this minific was to explore Fluttershy being a changeling, then you could drip-feed the invasion to the reader within the background detail, and give yourself more words to play around with for the central idea. Or use a less distracting setting entirely.
I guess the advice I'm giving is to decide on what the primary idea/concept/theme of your story is, and then build the story from there. This feels too much like the opposite has happened.
Thank you for sharing your work, though. As Monokeras said, this feels like the work of someone still developing their writing, and so I wholeheartedly urge you to continue, and not be too discouraged.
I guess the advice I'm giving is to decide on what the primary idea/concept/theme of your story is, and then build the story from there. This feels too much like the opposite has happened.
Thank you for sharing your work, though. As Monokeras said, this feels like the work of someone still developing their writing, and so I wholeheartedly urge you to continue, and not be too discouraged.
Hmm. This is interesting, but it's also much like a story we saw on the feature box for weeks ("Would It Matter If I Was" (sic)). That's fine, but it makes it harder to stand out.
The main problem here is that the changeling invasion is half the story and it really has nothing to do specifically with Fluttershy's reveal. Even though it prompts her reveal, it's largely non-sequitur.
It would be better to start off with the reveal and explore the ramifications. We get it at the end but that's really where the story is beginning, not where it should be ending. We want to know what Flutters' friends feel, and how she and they handle the situation, but we don't get to see it. So this becomes a prelude to a larger story, but not a self-contained minific.
It should be "thirty-two" (that hyphen isn't optional, I don't think).
You just now discovered or noticed, rather. Realized means more that you put two and two together, which is not necessary in this case unless she's dumb as a rock and it takes time for her to realize the presence of changelings means that changelings have returned. Probably, "I didn't know the changelings had returned until this morning!" would work best.
The main problem here is that the changeling invasion is half the story and it really has nothing to do specifically with Fluttershy's reveal. Even though it prompts her reveal, it's largely non-sequitur.
It would be better to start off with the reveal and explore the ramifications. We get it at the end but that's really where the story is beginning, not where it should be ending. We want to know what Flutters' friends feel, and how she and they handle the situation, but we don't get to see it. So this becomes a prelude to a larger story, but not a self-contained minific.
It should be "thirty-two" (that hyphen isn't optional, I don't think).
I just now realized the changelings were back.
You just now discovered or noticed, rather. Realized means more that you put two and two together, which is not necessary in this case unless she's dumb as a rock and it takes time for her to realize the presence of changelings means that changelings have returned. Probably, "I didn't know the changelings had returned until this morning!" would work best.
I think the opening of this story is the strongest part. It could still use a bit of work, but if there was going to be an episode that started with changelings invading Ponyville, I could imagine it being something like this, just with dialogue replacing the narration.
But the story rapidly goes downhill after that. You shouldn't include the theme song unless you're writing some sort of weird meta comedy story, which does not seem to be your intention. And then all of the characters start tossing around Idiot Balls, to the point where nothing in the story really makes any sense. If you want to write a story about changelings invading Ponyville and Fluttershy turning out to have been a changeling all along, that's fine. An idea like that can certainly work. But this is definitely not how you do it. As is usually the case with minifics, making it a much longer story would certainly help, but it's probably possible to do it in a minific too. You just need to find a way to construct one scene that will contain all the information and emotions that you need. Keep practicing, and you'll get it.
But the story rapidly goes downhill after that. You shouldn't include the theme song unless you're writing some sort of weird meta comedy story, which does not seem to be your intention. And then all of the characters start tossing around Idiot Balls, to the point where nothing in the story really makes any sense. If you want to write a story about changelings invading Ponyville and Fluttershy turning out to have been a changeling all along, that's fine. An idea like that can certainly work. But this is definitely not how you do it. As is usually the case with minifics, making it a much longer story would certainly help, but it's probably possible to do it in a minific too. You just need to find a way to construct one scene that will contain all the information and emotions that you need. Keep practicing, and you'll get it.