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Too Close for Comfort
“Spike?”
Spike blinked and sat up from his bed. “Rarity? I thought you and Twilight were going shopping?” The young dragon slid off his bed as the door to his room swung open, revealing the well-groomed unicorn. “Where’s Twilight?”
“Oh, well, she’s still shopping. It was all just an excuse, really.” Rarity smiled at Spike, stepping in through the door before pushing it shut with her hoof. “I really wanted to get you alone so we could talk.” She smiled.
“Really?” Spike brightened. “Well, uh, we’re alone now! What did you want to talk about?”
Rarity half-lidded her eyes at the young dragon. “Oh, you know what I want to talk about.” She took a step closer, lowering her head to look him in the eye. “Us.”
“U=us? You mean, as in, you and me?” Spike’s claws fumbled against each other. “W-what about us?”
Rarity giggled musically. “Spike. You know what I mean.” She walked forward, her permed tail swaying behind her as sashayed her way across the room to him. “I know you like me. And you’ve been such a good little dragon, I think you deserve a little reward, don’t you think?”
Spike gulped and took a step back. “R-really? What kind of reward?”
Rarity licked her lips. “You have this room all to yourself. It would be a pity to not make use of it, don’t you agree?” She leaned in closer, close enough that Spike could feel the warmth of her breath on his face.
“Uhh…” His cheeks flushed as he stumbled backwards, his spines bumping into the base of his bed. “Don’t you think we’re taking this a little fast? I mean, shouldn’t we go out on a date? Have dinner? Sit and look into each other’s eyes under romantic candlelight?”
“Why wait?” Rarity’s hips swayed as she walked forward until she was snout to snout with Spike. “I think we should skip to the good part. Don’t you? I know you’ve been wanting this for a long time.”
Spike’s clawed feet scrabbled against the crystalline floor of his room as he pressed himself back against the wooden foot of his bed. “But I didn’t think you even liked me like that!”
Rarity purred, her eyes sparkling. “I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. Don’t you love me?”
Spike opened his mouth. Green flames flooded over the unicorn, consuming her mane as she began to scream.
“Is that smoke I smell? “ Twilight sniffed at the air as she stepped into the hall. Twilight glanced down the hall, first one way, then the other, before raising her voice. “Spike?”
Pricking her ears at the sound of a quiet sob, Twilight trotted down the hall towards Spike’s room. Blinking at the sight of an open door, Twilight slowed her pace, creeping towards the threshold. “Spike?”
A sobbing mass of green and purple scales hurled itself out of the room and latched itself onto Twilight. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!”
“Spike? What’s wrong?”
Spike buried his face against Twilight’s chest, warm tears flowing into her coat. “It’s just, she was coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do, and I… I think I killed her!”
“Think you killed who?” Twilight stroked Spike’s back with her hoof even as she craned her neck to the side to peer in through the door, gasping at the sight of the blackened body inside. “Oh my gosh! Spike, what happened?”
“I breathed fire on her! I didn’t mean to use so much! I was just trying to scare her away! I didn’t mean to… to…” Spike shuddered violently.
“Spike?” Rarity asked as she trotted over to the pair. “What’s wrong?”
Rarity reached out with a white hoof to touch Spike’s head, only for the small dragon to flinch.
“Are you hurt? I didn’t mean to…”
“No! You didn’t do anything.” Spike’s claws fell from Twilight’s shoulders as the small dragon curled up into a ball on the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees.
Rarity knelt beside him, gently setting one hoof over his shoulder. “What’s the matter?”
“It was a changeling. She looked like you. She was… I think she was trying to steal my love. She tried to kiss me.” Spike sniffed.
“Oh dear. I’m so sorry.” Rarity gathered the small dragon up in her hooves, before blinking. “How did you know she wasn’t me?”
Spike bawled, tears pouring down his cheeks and dripping onto the floor. “Because she said she loved me.”
Spike blinked and sat up from his bed. “Rarity? I thought you and Twilight were going shopping?” The young dragon slid off his bed as the door to his room swung open, revealing the well-groomed unicorn. “Where’s Twilight?”
“Oh, well, she’s still shopping. It was all just an excuse, really.” Rarity smiled at Spike, stepping in through the door before pushing it shut with her hoof. “I really wanted to get you alone so we could talk.” She smiled.
“Really?” Spike brightened. “Well, uh, we’re alone now! What did you want to talk about?”
Rarity half-lidded her eyes at the young dragon. “Oh, you know what I want to talk about.” She took a step closer, lowering her head to look him in the eye. “Us.”
“U=us? You mean, as in, you and me?” Spike’s claws fumbled against each other. “W-what about us?”
Rarity giggled musically. “Spike. You know what I mean.” She walked forward, her permed tail swaying behind her as sashayed her way across the room to him. “I know you like me. And you’ve been such a good little dragon, I think you deserve a little reward, don’t you think?”
Spike gulped and took a step back. “R-really? What kind of reward?”
Rarity licked her lips. “You have this room all to yourself. It would be a pity to not make use of it, don’t you agree?” She leaned in closer, close enough that Spike could feel the warmth of her breath on his face.
“Uhh…” His cheeks flushed as he stumbled backwards, his spines bumping into the base of his bed. “Don’t you think we’re taking this a little fast? I mean, shouldn’t we go out on a date? Have dinner? Sit and look into each other’s eyes under romantic candlelight?”
“Why wait?” Rarity’s hips swayed as she walked forward until she was snout to snout with Spike. “I think we should skip to the good part. Don’t you? I know you’ve been wanting this for a long time.”
Spike’s clawed feet scrabbled against the crystalline floor of his room as he pressed himself back against the wooden foot of his bed. “But I didn’t think you even liked me like that!”
Rarity purred, her eyes sparkling. “I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. Don’t you love me?”
Spike opened his mouth. Green flames flooded over the unicorn, consuming her mane as she began to scream.
“Is that smoke I smell? “ Twilight sniffed at the air as she stepped into the hall. Twilight glanced down the hall, first one way, then the other, before raising her voice. “Spike?”
Pricking her ears at the sound of a quiet sob, Twilight trotted down the hall towards Spike’s room. Blinking at the sight of an open door, Twilight slowed her pace, creeping towards the threshold. “Spike?”
A sobbing mass of green and purple scales hurled itself out of the room and latched itself onto Twilight. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!”
“Spike? What’s wrong?”
Spike buried his face against Twilight’s chest, warm tears flowing into her coat. “It’s just, she was coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do, and I… I think I killed her!”
“Think you killed who?” Twilight stroked Spike’s back with her hoof even as she craned her neck to the side to peer in through the door, gasping at the sight of the blackened body inside. “Oh my gosh! Spike, what happened?”
“I breathed fire on her! I didn’t mean to use so much! I was just trying to scare her away! I didn’t mean to… to…” Spike shuddered violently.
“Spike?” Rarity asked as she trotted over to the pair. “What’s wrong?”
Rarity reached out with a white hoof to touch Spike’s head, only for the small dragon to flinch.
“Are you hurt? I didn’t mean to…”
“No! You didn’t do anything.” Spike’s claws fell from Twilight’s shoulders as the small dragon curled up into a ball on the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees.
Rarity knelt beside him, gently setting one hoof over his shoulder. “What’s the matter?”
“It was a changeling. She looked like you. She was… I think she was trying to steal my love. She tried to kiss me.” Spike sniffed.
“Oh dear. I’m so sorry.” Rarity gathered the small dragon up in her hooves, before blinking. “How did you know she wasn’t me?”
Spike bawled, tears pouring down his cheeks and dripping onto the floor. “Because she said she loved me.”
“Because she said she loved me.”
Well, that and the OOC behaviour.
An interesting premise, but I did feel that the execution let it down somewhat. The second scene was very much telling me it was dramatic and emotional, without giving me much of an opportunity to really feel it, and the last line felt way too melodramatic within the confines of such a small fic. That's not to say this wouldn't work if it was afforded more time and space to grow; I think there's the promise of a good story here.
Still, it succeeded in subverted my expectations after that first scene, so nice work there. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Well, that and the OOC behaviour.
An interesting premise, but I did feel that the execution let it down somewhat. The second scene was very much telling me it was dramatic and emotional, without giving me much of an opportunity to really feel it, and the last line felt way too melodramatic within the confines of such a small fic. That's not to say this wouldn't work if it was afforded more time and space to grow; I think there's the promise of a good story here.
Still, it succeeded in subverted my expectations after that first scene, so nice work there. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
The way the last line recasts Spike's trauma from PTSD to jealous depression is brilliant.
As a Sparity shipper, I really like this piece. I wouldn't change a thing. (And no, sadly it isn't mine, because I'd publish this on FF immediately.) :yay:
As a Sparity shipper, I really like this piece. I wouldn't change a thing. (And no, sadly it isn't mine, because I'd publish this on FF immediately.) :yay:
Oh. Oh wow. That is just a stab through the heart right there. Very well done indeed.
I saw the twist coming a mile away, but that last line was still quite effective, if a bit melodramatic. I felt that the second scene was a bit weaker than the first, though I can't put my finger on why.
A very good effort. I expect this story to place highly.
A very good effort. I expect this story to place highly.
Just speaking personally:
I'd prefer to have Spike's flames send the changeling to Princess Celestia rather than burn her to slag, but I've always been quite squeamish. Other than that, though, a very good piece.
Mike
I'd prefer to have Spike's flames send the changeling to Princess Celestia rather than burn her to slag, but I've always been quite squeamish. Other than that, though, a very good piece.
Mike
I did expect Changeling, too, so kinda not surprised by that, but - the ending line? A kick in the gut. I do like >>Baal Bunny on the 'sent to Celestia' idea because it would be hilarious. Do that!
>>Morning Sun
I have to disagree. I think the horror aspect of it is necessary for the last line to reframe why Spike is crying.
I have to disagree. I think the horror aspect of it is necessary for the last line to reframe why Spike is crying.
This just didn't pull me in like it should have. However, I don't think that is the author's fault. At least, not entirely.
The writing style was direct and the pacing was constant. Tweaks to the style could have given the scene much more emotion than was presented. The problem with this is the wordcount limitations, which make it hard to properly build the descriptions for that while also conveying the entire scene. Had the author tried a more evocative writing style, I think the story would have been forcefully brought up short.
But this concept is rock-solid, and I can see it making for a great Sparity piece once the restrictions are lifted and the author has the flexibility to expand upon it properly.
The writing style was direct and the pacing was constant. Tweaks to the style could have given the scene much more emotion than was presented. The problem with this is the wordcount limitations, which make it hard to properly build the descriptions for that while also conveying the entire scene. Had the author tried a more evocative writing style, I think the story would have been forcefully brought up short.
But this concept is rock-solid, and I can see it making for a great Sparity piece once the restrictions are lifted and the author has the flexibility to expand upon it properly.
Egad, this story was like getting gouged in the heart with a broken bottle.
It's perfect as-is. I mean, maybe the beginning could have used more space to set up the seduction, and maybe the part where real!Rarity comes in could have used some expansion, and I have to wonder if he'd try to contact someone after that happened instead of just sitting there crying, and I'm on the fence about whether I'd like to get the other characters' reactions to the ending line... okay, so maybe not "perfect", but it works for me bigtime. Dear author, please season this to taste with ~250 words of any of the above ideas and post it.
Tier: Top contender
It's perfect as-is. I mean, maybe the beginning could have used more space to set up the seduction, and maybe the part where real!Rarity comes in could have used some expansion, and I have to wonder if he'd try to contact someone after that happened instead of just sitting there crying, and I'm on the fence about whether I'd like to get the other characters' reactions to the ending line... okay, so maybe not "perfect", but it works for me bigtime. Dear author, please season this to taste with ~250 words of any of the above ideas and post it.
Tier: Top contender
This fic is solidly written, no doubt about it. However, I find the plot horribly contrived. Where does that changeling come from? All of a sudden, Twilight is back? You could've her and Rarity come back precisely when the changeling was about to assault Spike, that would've made for something funnier maybe?
And, well, the punchline is... more sad than funny?
I think many people like this piece because they nurture a secret desire for a lecherous, deinhibited Rarity raping Spike.
Not really impressed, besides it's my second changeling story in a row.
And, well, the punchline is... more sad than funny?
I think many people like this piece because they nurture a secret desire for a lecherous, deinhibited Rarity raping Spike.
Not really impressed, besides it's my second changeling story in a row.
Too Close For Comfort — A — Ugg. Punch to the gut with the last line. Very good, with only a few grammar nits to pick. It’s hard to get a dramatic serious piece in a minific because of wordcount, BUT you ran smack into the word limit with this one. It was hard to tell, because it was engrossing enough that it zipped past, seeming like a shorter story. Certainly will be in the top ten.
I always enjoy stories like this that start off one way, but end in another. We think we're about to get some softcore clop, when WHAM! It suddenly turns into a psychological horror with the latter half. I always enjoy a bit of genre deception, and I think that's what makes this story so strong. Starting off so normally allows us to get immersed, making the story's final revelations hit us even harder. Poor Spike; maybe he'd have been better off without the truth.
Such a brutal, brutal story, but a damn good one.
Such a brutal, brutal story, but a damn good one.
Oooph! Poor Spike!
Having him actually kill the changeling seems a bit harsh, but he does say it was an accident... The twist at the end with how he knew it wasn't really Rarity...Heartbreaking and very nicely done.
Having him actually kill the changeling seems a bit harsh, but he does say it was an accident... The twist at the end with how he knew it wasn't really Rarity...Heartbreaking and very nicely done.
Too Close for Comfort
I'm not sure what to say about this; it seems like a lot of people thought that the final line was exactly the right kind of twist of the knife, which was precisely what I was going for. I do want to flesh this out a bit more with descriptions (Rarity more or less pops into the scene at the end, though that was somewhat intentional, and there's some other bits that could use more description) but I do plan on keeping this short and punchy for FIMFiction.
As Trick noted, the horror element of the changeling being badly burned/killed is there for a reason; the scene isn't meant to be funny, and Spike sending a changeling to Princess Celestia would be jarringly comedic in an otherwise serious story. The body is also there to mislead the audience just a little bit longer, until Rarity shows up, though I suspect most folks will have cottoned on by that point; the larger point, however, is to set up the audience expectation to be subverted at the end.
I'm glad folks liked it, and hopefully folks will enjoy it when it goes up on FIMFiction.