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Burgers Will Make It Better
Ding-a-ling!
The doorbell rang as Winter walked into the restaurant. The sight of a few red and white checkered tables greeted her, all of them surrounding the diner counter that resided at the front of the restaurant. Nopony sat at either the tables or counter, leaving the establishment oddly quiet, save for the kitchen noises and the Rolling Pones song playing over the radio. The errant smell of fried hay fries drifted through the air, and the fumes made Winter’s stomach grumble.
The waitress behind the counter looked up as the bell chimed. She was a plump mare, older than most, but not quite at that age where she could be called elderly. Her purple beehive hairdo was only mildly kept, with a few loose hairs flying here and there. Cheap makeup lined her face, with a few missed spots noticeable in the right light, but otherwise indistinguishable from the rest of her pink face.
“Well, look who it is,” the waitress said in a playful tone. “Little early for dinner, isn’t it?”
“Hello, Middy,” Winter said with a sheepish grin. “Not too busy, are you?”
“Honey, I know funeral parlors busier than this place. Now go sit yourself down.”
Winter nodded and made her way over toward a booth on the left side of the joint. As she walked, she noticed how long the restaurant stretched either direction, along with all the sports memorabilia that adorned the walls. Everything from a bat of the Junior Wiffle Ball team to a football helmet of the Cloudsdale Kickers lined the joint, making it seem more like a sports museum than a burger joint. But that was one of the quaint charms of Hay Days, and the charm of the place was the reason Winter always came back.
As she sat down, Middy soon waddled up to the table, a Pransi firm in hand. She set it down in front of Winter, the bubbles fizzing a little more when the cup landed.
“There you go, honey,” Middy said. “Little something to pick up your spirits.”
“Huh?” Winter asked.
“Oh honey, don’t you act all surprised. I could read that hangdog expression on your face the moment you came in. Mare doesn’t have a look like that unless she’s been in some mighty trying situation.”
Winter could only chuckle. “Nothing gets by you, Middy.”
“Darn straight. I’ll be right back for you in a second.” With that, Middy wandered off back toward the counter, shouting at the cooks to wake up. Winter turned her attention back to the Pransi, sipping the sweet beverage. But the thoughts in her mind were anything but sweet.
I should have done something, Winter thought. I should’ve told them to stop, or to apologize, or anything! But what did I do? I just laughed with them! At my own student! How can I-
“Alright, honey, what do you want?” Middy interrupted. Winter abruptly turned toward her, surprise still plastered on her face.
“Oh, um… the All-Equestrian Classic,” she managed to get out. She quickly folded up the folder and handed it to Middy like it was dynamite that’d blow her up any second.
“Now,” Middy began. “Since I’ve asked what you’re eating, I gotta ask what’s eating you.”
Winter sighed. “It’s...complicated.”
Middy shrugged. “In my experience, things are only as complicated as you make them. Be back soon with your burger.” She wandered off again, this time yelling at the cooks about being sure not to burn this burger this time. Middy returned her gaze back to that empty space across from her.
Rainbow Crash, Rainbow Crash, Rainbow Crash! The taunts repeated in her head like a record. She hadn’t said them, but she’d allowed them to.
And she thought back to her giggling at the little filly’s predicament, as she laid there covered in garbage and tears in her eyes. There, at her most vulnerable moment, Winter had laughed along with the ponies she was supposed to be a role model toward.
Guess they’re better students than I thought, the white-haired pegasus lamented. They’re following their teacher exactly to the letter.
Middy reappeared once more a few minutes later, burger in hoof.
“There you go, honey. A nice burger will do you some good.”
A mirthless chuckle escaped Winter’s lips.
“We can only hope.”
With that, she tore into the burger.
The doorbell rang as Winter walked into the restaurant. The sight of a few red and white checkered tables greeted her, all of them surrounding the diner counter that resided at the front of the restaurant. Nopony sat at either the tables or counter, leaving the establishment oddly quiet, save for the kitchen noises and the Rolling Pones song playing over the radio. The errant smell of fried hay fries drifted through the air, and the fumes made Winter’s stomach grumble.
The waitress behind the counter looked up as the bell chimed. She was a plump mare, older than most, but not quite at that age where she could be called elderly. Her purple beehive hairdo was only mildly kept, with a few loose hairs flying here and there. Cheap makeup lined her face, with a few missed spots noticeable in the right light, but otherwise indistinguishable from the rest of her pink face.
“Well, look who it is,” the waitress said in a playful tone. “Little early for dinner, isn’t it?”
“Hello, Middy,” Winter said with a sheepish grin. “Not too busy, are you?”
“Honey, I know funeral parlors busier than this place. Now go sit yourself down.”
Winter nodded and made her way over toward a booth on the left side of the joint. As she walked, she noticed how long the restaurant stretched either direction, along with all the sports memorabilia that adorned the walls. Everything from a bat of the Junior Wiffle Ball team to a football helmet of the Cloudsdale Kickers lined the joint, making it seem more like a sports museum than a burger joint. But that was one of the quaint charms of Hay Days, and the charm of the place was the reason Winter always came back.
As she sat down, Middy soon waddled up to the table, a Pransi firm in hand. She set it down in front of Winter, the bubbles fizzing a little more when the cup landed.
“There you go, honey,” Middy said. “Little something to pick up your spirits.”
“Huh?” Winter asked.
“Oh honey, don’t you act all surprised. I could read that hangdog expression on your face the moment you came in. Mare doesn’t have a look like that unless she’s been in some mighty trying situation.”
Winter could only chuckle. “Nothing gets by you, Middy.”
“Darn straight. I’ll be right back for you in a second.” With that, Middy wandered off back toward the counter, shouting at the cooks to wake up. Winter turned her attention back to the Pransi, sipping the sweet beverage. But the thoughts in her mind were anything but sweet.
I should have done something, Winter thought. I should’ve told them to stop, or to apologize, or anything! But what did I do? I just laughed with them! At my own student! How can I-
“Alright, honey, what do you want?” Middy interrupted. Winter abruptly turned toward her, surprise still plastered on her face.
“Oh, um… the All-Equestrian Classic,” she managed to get out. She quickly folded up the folder and handed it to Middy like it was dynamite that’d blow her up any second.
“Now,” Middy began. “Since I’ve asked what you’re eating, I gotta ask what’s eating you.”
Winter sighed. “It’s...complicated.”
Middy shrugged. “In my experience, things are only as complicated as you make them. Be back soon with your burger.” She wandered off again, this time yelling at the cooks about being sure not to burn this burger this time. Middy returned her gaze back to that empty space across from her.
Rainbow Crash, Rainbow Crash, Rainbow Crash! The taunts repeated in her head like a record. She hadn’t said them, but she’d allowed them to.
And she thought back to her giggling at the little filly’s predicament, as she laid there covered in garbage and tears in her eyes. There, at her most vulnerable moment, Winter had laughed along with the ponies she was supposed to be a role model toward.
Guess they’re better students than I thought, the white-haired pegasus lamented. They’re following their teacher exactly to the letter.
Middy reappeared once more a few minutes later, burger in hoof.
“There you go, honey. A nice burger will do you some good.”
A mirthless chuckle escaped Winter’s lips.
“We can only hope.”
With that, she tore into the burger.
Hay Days is a genuinely clever name for a burger joint slathered in sports memorabilia, but “Pransi” took me a moment to grok. I’ve always preferred Yoke.
Ohhh. Looks like this is going to address one of the more troubling bits of “Newbie Dash.”
Well, sort of. You spent so many words on the lavish description that there were barely any left for the plot. I’d love to see this extended, but for now, it feels like a long drumroll leading up to a single squeeze of a bicycle horn.
Ohhh. Looks like this is going to address one of the more troubling bits of “Newbie Dash.”
Well, sort of. You spent so many words on the lavish description that there were barely any left for the plot. I’d love to see this extended, but for now, it feels like a long drumroll leading up to a single squeeze of a bicycle horn.
I do a ton of unnecessary ponifications (and still take heat regularly for spelling hoarse without the a), but Pranci was too much for me. It isn't clear at all what that thing is at first so it causes a double-take that pulled me out of the story—where "cola" would have been fine.
I'm a little confused about whether you're referring to Dash in the Wonderbolts, or a flashback with Dash in grade school. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but I think you need to make it clearer that this is a teacher of young foals.
I'm a little confused about whether you're referring to Dash in the Wonderbolts, or a flashback with Dash in grade school. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but I think you need to make it clearer that this is a teacher of young foals.
But... But... the story! :trixieneedsmoreplot(andnotinthatwaythankyouverymuch):
I liked the set-up, and the descriptions and sense of place are excellent, and would serve an expansion of this fic well. There is a strong and interesting idea here, but I need to see more of Winter's actual character, rather than just her regrets, for it to work. Particularly in relation to the prompt. Both would have been served better if more time had been spent on why Winter did what she did, rather than simply ruminating on the fact that she did. Maybe if she was some aging/ex Wonderbolt, out of her depth teaching and desperate to connect with the/her youth, this would have given the piece the depth it needed.
As a part of a larger story, this works. I'm not sure it works as a minific though. Thanks for sharing, and I hope we see an expanded version of this in the future.
I liked the set-up, and the descriptions and sense of place are excellent, and would serve an expansion of this fic well. There is a strong and interesting idea here, but I need to see more of Winter's actual character, rather than just her regrets, for it to work. Particularly in relation to the prompt. Both would have been served better if more time had been spent on why Winter did what she did, rather than simply ruminating on the fact that she did. Maybe if she was some aging/ex Wonderbolt, out of her depth teaching and desperate to connect with the/her youth, this would have given the piece the depth it needed.
As a part of a larger story, this works. I'm not sure it works as a minific though. Thanks for sharing, and I hope we see an expanded version of this in the future.
I'll echo the others:
And say we need to know more about WInter and less about the restaurant. It's even more difficult to make this much description work when the POV character is a regular visitor--why is Winter noticing all this stuff now if she goes there so often? I'll also go along with those who'd like to see a longer version.
Mike
And say we need to know more about WInter and less about the restaurant. It's even more difficult to make this much description work when the POV character is a regular visitor--why is Winter noticing all this stuff now if she goes there so often? I'll also go along with those who'd like to see a longer version.
Mike
I'll second the other.. Pransi is taking ponification a step too far... (Especially when combined with the oddity of her having it firmly in hand!)
As to the story, I was impressed with the level of thought and detail put into the burger joint... But those lovely descriptions and pleasant worldbuilding sucks up most of your word count, leaving very little for the actual plot. This was a pretty good work as is, but I think it would really shine if extended, with as much care spent on Winter and the story as the scenery. :)
As to the story, I was impressed with the level of thought and detail put into the burger joint... But those lovely descriptions and pleasant worldbuilding sucks up most of your word count, leaving very little for the actual plot. This was a pretty good work as is, but I think it would really shine if extended, with as much care spent on Winter and the story as the scenery. :)