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Not the Time
“Sooo,” Rainbow Dash said, hovering just short of the tree branches overhead, “you done yet?”
As the apples fell from the tree she’d bucked, Applejack sighed. “Dash, you asked me that twelve times already.”
“So what? I can’t help if you’re slow.” She settled into a tree branch and yawned.
“You think you can do better?”
“AJ, I was born doing better.”
Applejack stopped halfway to the next harvest, tipped her hat back and looked up. “You wanna bet on that?”
Rainbow cocked her head, raised an eyebrow.
“‘Cause I’m thinkin’ you’d like to put your money where your mouth is, Blue Fast.”
“Please.” Rainbow laughed. “That just wouldn’t even be fair. I’d practically be stealing.”
Applejack pressed her lips together and started to walk away. “Yeah, you’re right. Probably take ya half the day just to get started.” She shook her head, smiling to herself under the brim of her hat.
With a rustle of leaves, Dash was up in her face. “Are you calling me lazy?”
“You wanna prove me wrong?”
“Ten bits says you are.”
Applejack chuckled. “Nah; if we’re gonna do this right, we gotta make it sting a little, losin’. Fifty or nothin’.” She stuck out a hoof.
Rainbow took it. “Deal.” She backed off a step, breaking into a grin. “And you are so gonna feel it when you totally lose this one. What’s the plan?”
“Well, now, ain’t that an interestin’ question,” Applejack said, grinning. “I got one thing for ya, and if you can make it through that by—” she glanced up at the sun “—say half past two, those bits are all yours.”
Pouring the slop had been simple enough, even if half the stupid pigs hadn’t noticed it in the trough. As she took the shovel in her teeth and stepped through the gate, Rainbow couldn’t see why AJ had made such a big deal out of this. It wasn’t that bad. Smelly, sure, but not horrible.
As soon as she set hoof in the pen, she figured it out.
If a hundred encourageable young fillies had robbed and jointly devoured Sugarcube Corner, faux-frosting and all, then vomited the mess of painted slate and half-digested graham crackers in the back alley behind Berry Punch’s winery, it would not have equaled one-tenth of the stench that struck her. Rainbow grimaced and marched on through the muck. She only had a short walk from the core of the mess to the wheelbarrow. It would only be a little while before it was over. All she had to do until then was not breathe.
This sounded much easier than it was in practice, she found.
Hooves caked in muck baked under the mid-afternoon sun, she was almost done and fantasizing about the smell of fresh air when she heard the sound she would for a few weeks remember as the Heralding of the End: the squeal of a pig who had just noticed his dinner.
Before she could get out of the way, the only-half-pink monstrosity it came from crashed into her, sending her to the ground and her shovel sailing. She landed in a patch of blessedly clear, earthy dirt, just short of the muck. Her shovel was not so fortunate. She could only look on in horror as the thing twirled through the air for a few short feet before plunging shaftlong into the largest pile yet unscooped with a deeply unsettling thwop.
She stared at the protruding shaft, a sense of impending doom building as she considered her options.
There was only one, really.
The Apple family home stood eerily still as Rainbow and Applejack sat in the dark kitchen alone, curtains drawn. Only the settling of the rafters broke the quiet.
“So, uh, looks like you won the bet, Rainbow.”
Technically, she had finished an hour late, if one counted all the futile retching afterward, but Applejack had decided this was, all things considered, understandable.
Dash stared silently out the window behind and to the left of her head.
If silence had a volume, Applejack was fairly certain this one could have rivaled a Scratch-involved house party in its intensity. She gave a sharp cough and nipped into her saddlebags, spat a 50-bit piece on the table and slid it across. Rainbow made no move.
“So, uh…” Applejack said as she smiled, a sick, weakly thing, “I was gonna offer ya some Apple family fudge after ya finished, but I reckon now ain’t the time, is it?”
As the apples fell from the tree she’d bucked, Applejack sighed. “Dash, you asked me that twelve times already.”
“So what? I can’t help if you’re slow.” She settled into a tree branch and yawned.
“You think you can do better?”
“AJ, I was born doing better.”
Applejack stopped halfway to the next harvest, tipped her hat back and looked up. “You wanna bet on that?”
Rainbow cocked her head, raised an eyebrow.
“‘Cause I’m thinkin’ you’d like to put your money where your mouth is, Blue Fast.”
“Please.” Rainbow laughed. “That just wouldn’t even be fair. I’d practically be stealing.”
Applejack pressed her lips together and started to walk away. “Yeah, you’re right. Probably take ya half the day just to get started.” She shook her head, smiling to herself under the brim of her hat.
With a rustle of leaves, Dash was up in her face. “Are you calling me lazy?”
“You wanna prove me wrong?”
“Ten bits says you are.”
Applejack chuckled. “Nah; if we’re gonna do this right, we gotta make it sting a little, losin’. Fifty or nothin’.” She stuck out a hoof.
Rainbow took it. “Deal.” She backed off a step, breaking into a grin. “And you are so gonna feel it when you totally lose this one. What’s the plan?”
“Well, now, ain’t that an interestin’ question,” Applejack said, grinning. “I got one thing for ya, and if you can make it through that by—” she glanced up at the sun “—say half past two, those bits are all yours.”
Pouring the slop had been simple enough, even if half the stupid pigs hadn’t noticed it in the trough. As she took the shovel in her teeth and stepped through the gate, Rainbow couldn’t see why AJ had made such a big deal out of this. It wasn’t that bad. Smelly, sure, but not horrible.
As soon as she set hoof in the pen, she figured it out.
If a hundred encourageable young fillies had robbed and jointly devoured Sugarcube Corner, faux-frosting and all, then vomited the mess of painted slate and half-digested graham crackers in the back alley behind Berry Punch’s winery, it would not have equaled one-tenth of the stench that struck her. Rainbow grimaced and marched on through the muck. She only had a short walk from the core of the mess to the wheelbarrow. It would only be a little while before it was over. All she had to do until then was not breathe.
This sounded much easier than it was in practice, she found.
Hooves caked in muck baked under the mid-afternoon sun, she was almost done and fantasizing about the smell of fresh air when she heard the sound she would for a few weeks remember as the Heralding of the End: the squeal of a pig who had just noticed his dinner.
Before she could get out of the way, the only-half-pink monstrosity it came from crashed into her, sending her to the ground and her shovel sailing. She landed in a patch of blessedly clear, earthy dirt, just short of the muck. Her shovel was not so fortunate. She could only look on in horror as the thing twirled through the air for a few short feet before plunging shaftlong into the largest pile yet unscooped with a deeply unsettling thwop.
She stared at the protruding shaft, a sense of impending doom building as she considered her options.
There was only one, really.
The Apple family home stood eerily still as Rainbow and Applejack sat in the dark kitchen alone, curtains drawn. Only the settling of the rafters broke the quiet.
“So, uh, looks like you won the bet, Rainbow.”
Technically, she had finished an hour late, if one counted all the futile retching afterward, but Applejack had decided this was, all things considered, understandable.
Dash stared silently out the window behind and to the left of her head.
If silence had a volume, Applejack was fairly certain this one could have rivaled a Scratch-involved house party in its intensity. She gave a sharp cough and nipped into her saddlebags, spat a 50-bit piece on the table and slid it across. Rainbow made no move.
“So, uh…” Applejack said as she smiled, a sick, weakly thing, “I was gonna offer ya some Apple family fudge after ya finished, but I reckon now ain’t the time, is it?”
Well this was certainly enjoyable. Yet another horrible end to the many contests Rainbow and AJ have. Definitely fit the theme and the description of that stench and atmosphere made me rub my nose a bit just thinking about it. Would would you do for 50 bits? Quite a bit it seems.
Oh, this one had me smiling by the end! In my opinion the opening exchange is a little bit generic, and perhaps could have better emphasised the gravity of Dash's predicament (and, thus, her decision) towards the end. What would have been particularly welcome would have been the allowance of a little more of Dash's character to shine through, such as when it's really needed to make her ultimate decision relatable. It was a fun tale though, and the first I had read today that had clearly embraced the prompt.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
The dialogue feels quite snappy and natural, and that’s definitely a big thumb-up.
The story is… well… okay I think? I have always wondered why AJ had pigs in her farm? I mean, humans rear pigs to eat them: you know, bacon, ribs, etc.
But ponies?
And besides, yeah, there's a bit of a cliché here. Pigs' pen are stinky only because those poor animals are left dabbling in their muck. I don't envision AJ letting them wallow in manure. I rather see her cleansing up the pen every day. But we're venturing here into headcanon.
In all, it sounds like some sort of story a yuppie could tell about farms. I’ve lived a small part of my life in a farm, and I've never recoiled from shovelling dung out. :P
The story is… well… okay I think? I have always wondered why AJ had pigs in her farm? I mean, humans rear pigs to eat them: you know, bacon, ribs, etc.
But ponies?
And besides, yeah, there's a bit of a cliché here. Pigs' pen are stinky only because those poor animals are left dabbling in their muck. I don't envision AJ letting them wallow in manure. I rather see her cleansing up the pen every day. But we're venturing here into headcanon.
In all, it sounds like some sort of story a yuppie could tell about farms. I’ve lived a small part of my life in a farm, and I've never recoiled from shovelling dung out. :P
The bet confused me. I thought Dash would be harvesting apples or something, and it turned into a test of fortitude rather than speed. It also didn't make a lot of sense for AJ to put a time on something that Dash would have no way of knowing how much time the task normally took. Casting this as a speed test was a mistake.
I'm pretty sure Dash wasn't actually vomiting for an entire hour.
There isn't any mention of AJ hosing Dash down before letting her into the house, which seemed like an oversight.
I think Spectrum Swift works a lot better than Blue Fast. Blue Fast just doesn't sound like a name, and it lacks the same cadence as Rainbow Dash. It also sounds much more like "blew fast".
I'm pretty sure Dash wasn't actually vomiting for an entire hour.
There isn't any mention of AJ hosing Dash down before letting her into the house, which seemed like an oversight.
I think Spectrum Swift works a lot better than Blue Fast. Blue Fast just doesn't sound like a name, and it lacks the same cadence as Rainbow Dash. It also sounds much more like "blew fast".
Genre: Cringe comedy
Thoughts: So, wait... what happened during the break? I feel dumb because everyone else seems to be getting it, but I feel like I missed something. The ending joke makes me think it was pretty bad, but I'm left feeling uncertain, because Dash was already not enjoying the experience prior to the shovel thing happening; how much worse can it get? It also seems a bit unhelpful to say that there's only one option without making it quite a bit clearer what that is.
Still, this is very well done overall, and manages to be funny for me despite that issue. I'm willing to trust that other reviewers are picking up on the thing I missed, which ultimately makes that more my problem than the story's. I might have felt differently if I was the first reviewer, though.
Tier: Top contender
Thoughts: So, wait... what happened during the break? I feel dumb because everyone else seems to be getting it, but I feel like I missed something. The ending joke makes me think it was pretty bad, but I'm left feeling uncertain, because Dash was already not enjoying the experience prior to the shovel thing happening; how much worse can it get? It also seems a bit unhelpful to say that there's only one option without making it quite a bit clearer what that is.
Still, this is very well done overall, and manages to be funny for me despite that issue. I'm willing to trust that other reviewers are picking up on the thing I missed, which ultimately makes that more my problem than the story's. I might have felt differently if I was the first reviewer, though.
Tier: Top contender
A pony calling Dash “Blue Fast” doesn’t quite feel right. It’d be like if somepony called Fluttershy “Yellowquiet” or Twilight “Purplesmart.”
By the end of this, I found myself scrolling down to read the comments. Then I realized I hadn’t really formed an opinion on the story itself. I don’t know if my mental defenses went up at some juncture, but the tale just had no impact on me. It just left me indifferent, which is perhaps the worst possible reaction. I'm sorry to say that I’m really not sure how you could improve it.
>>CoffeeMinion
I'm pretty sure the shovel landed in the muck handle-first.
By the end of this, I found myself scrolling down to read the comments. Then I realized I hadn’t really formed an opinion on the story itself. I don’t know if my mental defenses went up at some juncture, but the tale just had no impact on me. It just left me indifferent, which is perhaps the worst possible reaction. I'm sorry to say that I’m really not sure how you could improve it.
>>CoffeeMinion
I'm pretty sure the shovel landed in the muck handle-first.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ah, OK, thank you.
...it's probably a bad sign that I actually did suspect that was the issue, but I was confused as to why that would be such a significant issue as to evoke the response Rainbow and AJ had.
I blame my children. I've seen things, man. You think of certain substances as things you'd never touch if you could possibly avoid it, but then suddenly they're everywhere courtesy of the little ones, and help is not coming. :-P
Ah, OK, thank you.
...it's probably a bad sign that I actually did suspect that was the issue, but I was confused as to why that would be such a significant issue as to evoke the response Rainbow and AJ had.
I blame my children. I've seen things, man. You think of certain substances as things you'd never touch if you could possibly avoid it, but then suddenly they're everywhere courtesy of the little ones, and help is not coming. :-P
>>CoffeeMinion
Remember, Dash is a pegasus working with earth pony tools. That shovel is probably mouth-held.
Remember, Dash is a pegasus working with earth pony tools. That shovel is probably mouth-held.
Okay, this was clever and amusing. With some very fascinating and evocative descriptions. My favorite? The bit with all of the foals of ponyville eating sugarcube corner...
Poor Rainbow Dash.
Though In the end I really expected AJ to shell out the 50 bits with a cheerful smile... And point out that Rainbow had done at least 100 bits worth of work to win the bet... So even by losing, AJ was winning. I'm not sure if that would have been better or worse than the ending as it stands...
Definite thumbs up though. ;>
Poor Rainbow Dash.
Though In the end I really expected AJ to shell out the 50 bits with a cheerful smile... And point out that Rainbow had done at least 100 bits worth of work to win the bet... So even by losing, AJ was winning. I'm not sure if that would have been better or worse than the ending as it stands...
Definite thumbs up though. ;>
This was a bit gross, but also mildly cute I guess. Cuteness and gross-out humor aren't really the best combination, but this was at least mildly amusing, particularly Rainbow Dash steeling herself at the end combined with the aftermath.
That being said, it didn't really light my fires, either; it was a silly little scene, nothing more, nothing less.
Poor Rainbow Dash.
That being said, it didn't really light my fires, either; it was a silly little scene, nothing more, nothing less.
Poor Rainbow Dash.