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Applejack Tries to Use a Shotgun
Applejack had been eyeing the shotgun ever since Twilight dropped it off. She didn’t know where Twi had gotten the thing, or how it worked, or what it did, but that never stopped any Apple from doing anything before, dadgummit! Grandpappy himself almost built the entire barn she was sitting in without any help from no one.
Rest in peace grandpappy, Applejack thought. Somepony shoulda told you about support beams.
Sighing, Applejack unraveled the note Twilight had left her in some vague attempt to understand the workings of the firearm Twilight had generously donated to her.
Dear Applejack,
This shotgun should help you get rid of those varmints you’ve been complaining about. I’ve included a diagram and 500-page explanation of how to properly fire, aim, and clean the shotgun. I’ve also taken the liberty to pre-load it with ammunition because you can’t use magic. This should make keeping your fields clean of nasty gophers much easier!
Your friend,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Do not under any circumstances tell Fluttershy about this or what you’re doing.
Applejack flipped through the gargantuan tome Twilight had written before tossing it aside. Twilight was a peach, but the girl had no sense of restraint when it came to writing. Instead, she looked over the diagram, a crudely drawn series of images in comic book style obviously made by Spike.
The first panel had the barrel with a pump drawn on, with an arrow pointed at the pump. “Pull back here.” The second had the trigger, “Pull here.” Lastly, simply the words “BOOM!” with smiley face.
Applejack couldn’t make heads or tails of this claptrap. Spike really needed to work on his art more. She tossed the “diagram” aside as well. She tried to “pull” back on the pump as described, but found that it just wouldn’t budge. She took a moment to consider her next move.
Naturally, the next course of the action was to smack it as hard as possible. She stamped a hoof on top of the barrel as hard as she could. The shotgun rattled off with a deafening “BOOM!” and blew a hole in the side of Applejack’s barn.
“Whoo wee! What was that!?” Applejack exclaimed, excited. She then saw the barn. “Aw, horse-feathers. Sorry grandpappy.“
Obviously Spike had no idea what he was talking about. All you had to do was smack it to fire. Why couldn't Twilight just given her a paper that said "Just smack it" instead of some elongated diatribe about the manufacturer's second cousin?
Applejack took the shotgun outside. She again stomped on the barrel of the gun, but this time from the back. The weight shifting the barrel of the gun upwards as the shotgun discharged with another roaring “BOOM!”
Suddenly, a light blue blur dropped out of the sky and plopped beside Applejack in the mud. Applejack ran to inspect it, hoping that it was just some sort of mutant bird she had shot.
Oh no.
“Argghhhhh, Applejack what did you do?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Uh, um, nothing, just uh, testin’ my new shotgun,” Applejack stammered.
"Your what?"
"It's some dohickey that Twilight gave me for gettin' rid of varmints. I was, uh, just testin' it out. You okay down there, Dash?"
"Do I look okay?!" Rainbow screeched.
Applejack inched over to see the damage she had inflicted and winced. Ouch. That did not look good. Rainbow was probably gonna have to spend more than a couple days in the Ponyville hospital.
"Hold on, Rainbow, I'll go fetch Nurse Redheart."
“Applejack whhyyyyyy?!” Rainbow shrieked after her.
Applejack returned the shotgun to Twilight the next day. Attach to it was a note, "Twilight: Ponies were never meant to use shotguns."
Rest in peace grandpappy, Applejack thought. Somepony shoulda told you about support beams.
Sighing, Applejack unraveled the note Twilight had left her in some vague attempt to understand the workings of the firearm Twilight had generously donated to her.
Dear Applejack,
This shotgun should help you get rid of those varmints you’ve been complaining about. I’ve included a diagram and 500-page explanation of how to properly fire, aim, and clean the shotgun. I’ve also taken the liberty to pre-load it with ammunition because you can’t use magic. This should make keeping your fields clean of nasty gophers much easier!
Your friend,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Do not under any circumstances tell Fluttershy about this or what you’re doing.
Applejack flipped through the gargantuan tome Twilight had written before tossing it aside. Twilight was a peach, but the girl had no sense of restraint when it came to writing. Instead, she looked over the diagram, a crudely drawn series of images in comic book style obviously made by Spike.
The first panel had the barrel with a pump drawn on, with an arrow pointed at the pump. “Pull back here.” The second had the trigger, “Pull here.” Lastly, simply the words “BOOM!” with smiley face.
Applejack couldn’t make heads or tails of this claptrap. Spike really needed to work on his art more. She tossed the “diagram” aside as well. She tried to “pull” back on the pump as described, but found that it just wouldn’t budge. She took a moment to consider her next move.
Naturally, the next course of the action was to smack it as hard as possible. She stamped a hoof on top of the barrel as hard as she could. The shotgun rattled off with a deafening “BOOM!” and blew a hole in the side of Applejack’s barn.
“Whoo wee! What was that!?” Applejack exclaimed, excited. She then saw the barn. “Aw, horse-feathers. Sorry grandpappy.“
Obviously Spike had no idea what he was talking about. All you had to do was smack it to fire. Why couldn't Twilight just given her a paper that said "Just smack it" instead of some elongated diatribe about the manufacturer's second cousin?
Applejack took the shotgun outside. She again stomped on the barrel of the gun, but this time from the back. The weight shifting the barrel of the gun upwards as the shotgun discharged with another roaring “BOOM!”
Suddenly, a light blue blur dropped out of the sky and plopped beside Applejack in the mud. Applejack ran to inspect it, hoping that it was just some sort of mutant bird she had shot.
Oh no.
“Argghhhhh, Applejack what did you do?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Uh, um, nothing, just uh, testin’ my new shotgun,” Applejack stammered.
"Your what?"
"It's some dohickey that Twilight gave me for gettin' rid of varmints. I was, uh, just testin' it out. You okay down there, Dash?"
"Do I look okay?!" Rainbow screeched.
Applejack inched over to see the damage she had inflicted and winced. Ouch. That did not look good. Rainbow was probably gonna have to spend more than a couple days in the Ponyville hospital.
"Hold on, Rainbow, I'll go fetch Nurse Redheart."
“Applejack whhyyyyyy?!” Rainbow shrieked after her.
Applejack returned the shotgun to Twilight the next day. Attach to it was a note, "Twilight: Ponies were never meant to use shotguns."
I don’t see this ending well…
Yeah, that went pretty much as I expected it to. Fun, but unfocused, and thus par for the course in the “pony does a thing” genre.
Yeah, that went pretty much as I expected it to. Fun, but unfocused, and thus par for the course in the “pony does a thing” genre.
P.S. Do not under any circumstances tell Fluttershy about this or what you’re doing.Lines like this were what made the humor enjoyable. It felt like Monty Python in some regard- so much dark material, yet presented in a really funny manner. It never really went anywhere, though, which I think was holding it back to some extent. Mostly felt like a joke fic in terms of story. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it means that's there's not much substance aside from the overarching joke.
The foreshadowing is great, but I don't think the story's resolution was very interesting. This is clearly going for comedy, and there are many funnier things that might have happened. You might want to think about irony: having AJ do something that affects Twilight Sparkle directly provides a more relevant conflict to the plot.
As a general issue, with comedy you need to blend realism with exaggeration. You start off doing that very well, but then Twilight and AJ's characterizations go over the top in a way that isn't as humorous as it is unrealistic.
I don't really buy the idea that Twilight would give AJ anything deadly without providing supervision. Now, I can get behind that for the comedic value, but a 500-page manual is way too much of an exaggeration to seem real. I think you want some realism in the framework even if you're doing Police Squad-style humor.
Similarly, I don't think Applejack is this "simple". She uses a lot of tools (moreso than anypony else, to be honest), and here she comes off like an inbred stone-age barbarian.
As a general issue, with comedy you need to blend realism with exaggeration. You start off doing that very well, but then Twilight and AJ's characterizations go over the top in a way that isn't as humorous as it is unrealistic.
I don't really buy the idea that Twilight would give AJ anything deadly without providing supervision. Now, I can get behind that for the comedic value, but a 500-page manual is way too much of an exaggeration to seem real. I think you want some realism in the framework even if you're doing Police Squad-style humor.
Similarly, I don't think Applejack is this "simple". She uses a lot of tools (moreso than anypony else, to be honest), and here she comes off like an inbred stone-age barbarian.
I think I would have preferred a little more story to anchor the comedy moments. This kinda felt like a montage sequence in narrative form, without a wider context to really give it any meaning. To be honest, I didn't particularly find it all that funny, either, but that might very well be a matter of personal preferences rather than the fault of the story.
Further thoughts upon reread: Great opening line.
And:
That worked for me. Bit of a character assassination, I grant you, but it did make me smile a lot.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
Further thoughts upon reread: Great opening line.
And:
The first panel had the barrel with a pump drawn on, with an arrow pointed at the pump. “Pull back here.” The second had the trigger, “Pull here.” Lastly, simply the words “BOOM!” with smiley face.
Applejack couldn’t make heads or tails of this claptrap.
That worked for me. Bit of a character assassination, I grant you, but it did make me smile a lot.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community!
Well, firearm stories are a hard turn-off for me, and this is no exception. Where would Twilight get a shotgun in the first place, and, even if we disregard this, why would she simply drop it with a users' manual and not actually take a moment to show AJ how it's working?
(Not to say that I've a slight problem figuring out how a pony can hold a shotgun and press the trigger at the same time.)
And the final part with RD feels really off. I mean, I've no problem imagining RD shot, but the way she reacts here is totally unrealistic. She crashes, she should be at least unconscious and bleeding hard. The way you wrote it, it came across to me as her having sprained an ankle, or having just a single damaged feather. Or, more precisely, as in some comics (or cartoons) where you see people/animals being shot at drawn as having a hole inside them.
Of course I see the nonsensical humour here, but the execution is botched, and thus I didn't find the story that funny.
(Not to say that I've a slight problem figuring out how a pony can hold a shotgun and press the trigger at the same time.)
And the final part with RD feels really off. I mean, I've no problem imagining RD shot, but the way she reacts here is totally unrealistic. She crashes, she should be at least unconscious and bleeding hard. The way you wrote it, it came across to me as her having sprained an ankle, or having just a single damaged feather. Or, more precisely, as in some comics (or cartoons) where you see people/animals being shot at drawn as having a hole inside them.
Of course I see the nonsensical humour here, but the execution is botched, and thus I didn't find the story that funny.
Eh, I wasn't really feeling this story. There were a few neat comic touches ("Don't tell Fluttershy" being my favorite) and shooting Rainbow out of the sky was an unexpected flourish, but there wasn't much to it other than that. It wasn't bad per se, but it wasn't making me laugh all that much either.