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In Over Your Head · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Does Anyone Else Have A Sibling They Want to Tell Us About?
“…and now Zephyr is opening up his very own mane salon in Cloudsdale! Though, uh, he is living with my parents again until he can buy his own place.”

“Well, I’m glad that’s done with,” Twilight said as she leaned back in her throne. A glimmer of sunlight caught her attention, earning an appreciative glance up towards the windows. “You really did do a good job, Spike.”

“Thanks!” The young dragon beamed at Twilight, before glancing around the table at all the filled thrones. “So, uh, you want to tell them all why you called them all here?”

“Oh, right.” Twilight sat up straight. “So, uhm, after Zephyr showed up in town, I realized that I had never really talked to Fluttershy about her brother. I mean, I didn’t even know she had a brother, let alone that he was so…” Twilight rolled her hoof in the air.

“Scared?”

“Lazy?”

“Incapable of doin’ the simplest thing for himself?”

“I was going for… yeah, okay, probably that last one.” Twilight bit her lip. “I mean, I know I kind of surprised all of you when I told you that my brother was the captain of the guard in Canterlot, and marrying a Princess, and uh…” Twilight tapped her hooves together. “What I mean to say is that I know I might be a little hypocritical in saying this, but does anypony else have a sibling they want to tell us about?” Twilight glanced around the table.

“Well, I already knew about Zephyr,” Applejack said, leaning back in her throne. “Fluttershy mentioned him a few times to me in passing. As did Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash wrinkled her snout. “I can’t believe he thinks I have a crush on him. Seriously.”

“Well, you know how he is,” Fluttershy said, reaching over to pat Rainbow Dash on the shoulder with her hoof.

Unfortunately,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“Girls!” Twilight rapped her hoof on the table. “I think we’re getting a little distracted here.”

“Well, I don’t rightly know what you want us to say, Twilight. I mean, you know my family. You’ve met Big Mac and my sister. Heck, you’ve met almost my whole family, cept’n Aunt and Uncle Orange. Pity they were too busy the last time we were in Manehattan to spend time with us.”

Twilight nodded her head. “Yes. And I know you said you’ve met Pinkie’s sisters?” She tilted her head. “Limestone, Marble, and Maud, right?”

“Yup! And they’re the bestest sisters anypony could ask for!” Pinkie Pie beamed.

“You don’t have any other siblings, right?”

“Nope! Though my cousin Tart might come and visit sometime. I don’t really know her very well, though.” Pinkie Pie smiled apologetically.

Twilight nodded again before turning to Rarity. “You don’t have any brothers or sisters hiding anywhere, do you?”

Rarity shook her head. “Sweetie Belle is quite enough for me, thank you very much. Though I do love her, I’m not sure if I could deal with another brother or sister.”

Twilight bobbed her head and turned to Fluttershy. “And you?”

“Only Zephyr. I’ sorry I didn’t tell you about him before, Twilight. I just… oh, you know, he’s just so hard to talk about. I didn’t want to give you a bad impression of my family.” She hung her head.

“I can’t really blame you; if my brother was like that, I’d have a hard time talking about him, too.”

“Yeah, Shining Armor’s cool.” Rainbow Dash said, shrugging. “It’s too bad he’s taken. He’s kind of hot.”

“Rainbow!” Applejack said, shaking her head.

“What? It’s true. Though I’m really more for fliers myself.” Rainbow Dash flared her wings.

Twilight coughed loudly. “So, do you have any siblings we don’t know about?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Nope! I’m an only child.”

“It’s kind of obvious,” Applejack said, snorting.

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothin’.” Applejack smirked.

“Well, that’s it then. Nopony has any more siblings which will just show up out of the blue.”

Winking Star peeked into the room. “Hey, Twilight! Oh, hey, everypony.”

“Why, speak of the devil. Howdy, Star.” Applejack waved lazily. “We were just talking about all our siblings.”

“Oh. I hope Twilight didn’t say anything too mean about me.”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Nah. I mean, everypony knows you; you moved here like, forever ago. It isn’t like we don’t all hang out all the time and stuff.”

“Oh, good.” Twilight’s sister smiled. “So, anypony want to listen to my speech about the meteor shower?”
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#1 · 1
· · >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>TitaniumDragon
to be honest, kinda boring for a comedy.

a huge portion of this fic is just recapping what we already know from the show. the problem isn't writing quality, it's the structure. it goes from one pony to the next, like going down a list.... a list that could be in any order. and even though the conversation itself is well-written (good character voices), my attention is drifting off and I'm starting to skim through it, looking for something I don't already know.

the punchline doesn't build off anything from the fic, but it's not surprising enough as a non-sequitur either. kinda expected someone to show up from the title alone.

the best part is the exchange between RD and AJ at the end. it's something sorta-new (at least hasn't been confirmed by the show) and it made me laugh. that plus RD talking about shipping here and there made me hope the punchline would be about her, or at least give her something to react to. instead, anticlimax.
#2 · 4
· · >>TitaniumDragon
The joke relies (in TVTropes terms) on a Subversion of Genre Savvy and Lampshade Hanging. Twilight becomes aware In Universe that Remember the New Guy is at play and tries to Defy the trope. Alas, she fails.

It's troperriffic. I rather like this one; not too much, but enough.

I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's? Is he even a sibling? Does it even matter?
#3 ·
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I spent this week reviewing some OC characters being involved with Canon back on Fimfic this week, so this is a nice change of pace from seriousness to mocking said thing. Winking Star felt out of the blue, and the first paragraph or two feels like it isn't needed, or could simply be merged, but aside from that I enjoyed this. It wasn't magnificent, but it was enjoyable enough that I could look past the issues here and there.
#4 ·
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I'm with >>Rolo here in that the use of lampshade hanging worked well for me. Really what made this story for me was Winking Star's appearance at the end; otherwise, I don't think I would have been nearly as interested in this, as while the dialogue worked, it really needed that punchline at the end (which did actually make me chuckle, and Rainbow Dash's bit about Shining Armor and Applejack's line about Zephyr both drew little smirks).

Much as it pains me to say it, I don't know if you want to actually make this story any longer for FIMFiction unless you can do it without making it feel stretched, because the snappiness and shortness probably prevents the reader from getting bored with the lampshade hanging. If you do extend it, I'd probably try and make the setting pop a little more, and maybe add a little more backbiting (as backbiting is funny, and worked well for being mean to Zephyr - though I'd target the backbiting elsewhere, as I think what is in there is the right amount for Zephyr, and you don't want to belabor the point that he's a total NEET). Don't beat on the central joke any more than you already do, because I think you're at the limit for how much you can do that and still have it remain funny at the end.

That said, I would strongly consider inserting a description for Winking Star that makes it more obvious from her visual appearance that she's a unicorn, and also just, you know, lets us know what she looks like. Possibly indicating that she's Twilight's sister via her visual appearance would be good? Though really, thinking about this, you might want to avoid being too obvious about her being Twilight's sister, as that is sort of the punchline here at the end.

Overall, I did smile, even if the joke has been done before.

>>Rolo
I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's?


I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be Twilight's sister, given the final line:

“Oh, good.” Twilight’s sister smiled. “So, anypony want to listen to my speech about the meteor shower?”
#5 ·
· · >>TitaniumDragon
The premise is amusing, but the story takes too long to reach its punchline. If it meandered a bit less (keep the conversation on-point and describe who is talking) that would allow it to be this long or longer and still work.

I don't think Dashie sounds like Dashie. I can't imagine her crowing about Shining Armor being attractive given that she's never noticed something like that about anypony apart from the Wonderbolts. It was a distraction, unless you were also injecting "oh Rainbow Dash is straight by the by", in which case you need to push it much harder so the joke is obvious. This is also a good example of meandering away from the central joke.

“Scared?”

“Lazy?”


I think if you're not going to tell us who said what, you should make it obvious. Cheap example:

"Ooh! Ooh! Scared?"

"Lazy, darling?"
#6 ·
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Always remember the screen your protagonists for Inverse Chuck Cunningham Syndrome.

This was rather straightforward, but I’m afraid I spoiled myself on the twist before reading it. Still, it was rather amusing. I’m tempted to blame Starlight for Winking, but the former has enough trouble maintaining her own ontological integrity.

In summation, the setup dragged on a bit long for me, but this was still an enjoyable gag... though it does feel more like a response to "Flutter Brutter" than the prompt.
#7 ·
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I'm probably leaning more towards >>Haze with this. I didn't really see much of the prompt here, and the nods at various tropes didn't keep me all that engaged, although whether that's a matter of personal preference or quibbles with the narrative is probably out with the jury. It didn't do anything for me, but I can see I'm somewhat in the minority. Thanks for sharing your work with the community though.
#8 ·
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Genre: Meta comedy

Thoughts: Haze said it well. The quality of the prose is strong enough to give me pause as I place this in my lowest tier, but the humor needs to be much stronger for this to work.

Tier: Needs work
#9 ·
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There wasn't anything particularly bad about this story... But there wasn't much particularly good either I'm afraid. There were a few amusing bits, but not really enough of them to carry the story... And the surprise twist at the end just sorta... Fell flat for me. From the very beginning I assumed we were going to learn about someone's unexpected sibling... Perhaps it would have worked better if it turned out that each of them had a surprising uncle or cousin or something.

Rainbow Dash: "What, I never mentioned that my cousin is the emperor of the Gryphon Empire? Why do you think I was so friendly with Gilda?" ;>
#10 · 2
· · >>Rolo >>Trick_Question
Does Anyone Else Have A Sibling They Want to Tell Us About? - In retrospect


This story didn't quite land, and I'm not really surprised; it was the last idea I had, and wasn't anything particularly fresh - this joke has been done every time a new family member has been introduced.

Unfortunately, >>Haze (and everyone else) is probably right - too much of the story is the characters going through the list of siblings, which is information that the audience already knows, which makes the start slow-paced, and so by the time we get to the punchline, the audience may well already be skipping. The setup needed to be funnier, but it also needed to be shorter, and I'm not quite sure how to accomplish this.

Also, given how many people asked whose sibling Winking Star was, I obviously did a bad job with that. I thought the "Twilight's sister" thing in the final line would be enough, but...

>>Trick_Question
It was just Rainbow Dash making a crude comment/joke at Twilight's expense. "This character is straight!" isn't a punchline, really, doubly so when she probably is, statistically speaking (not that that stops me from shipping her). I don't think she's ever canonically called anyone hot or anything else, but if anyone was going to do it, it would probably be Rainbow Dash - it is certainly not uncommon in fanon (Rarity would use much more flowery language, and wouldn't be so crude as to say it about Shining Armor).
#11 ·
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>>TitaniumDragon
Also, given how many people asked whose sibling Winking Star was, I obviously did a bad job with that.

For whatever it's worth, I just screwed up and I withdraw any complaint I had in this regard. Really, it was made perfectly clear with this exchange:
“We were just talking about all our siblings.”
“Oh. I hope Twilight didn’t say anything too mean about me.”


As for "Twilight's sister", that's even more clear, but I think I misread "sister" as "Sparkle"; in any case I was certain the last line belonged to Twilight herself.

So... yeah. My fault, completely.
#12 · 1
· · >>TitaniumDragon >>Rolo
>>TitaniumDragon
I never commented on how deeply disturbing the double entendre of "Winking Star" is in the first place, probably because I expected somepony else to mention it.

I'm just going to assume she has another sister named "Flexing Ponut". :trollestia:
#13 ·
· · >>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
That was not intentional; I was just looking for synonyms for Glimmer and Shining as I figure that is clearly the theme naming for the family, right? >>
#14 ·
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>>TitaniumDragon
Well, if I can be so bold as to speak for the perverts among your readers, "winking star" immediately brings that to mind.

Generally speaking, it's a weird turn of phrase. "Wink" isn't very much like shine or glimmer, and stars don't wink.

The ones in the sky, I mean.

Other than when pegasi are flying, I mean.
#15 ·
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>>Trick_Question

By most people's standards I'm pretty damn perverted, but I didn't think of that until it was mentioned.

I thought "Winking" was meant to be a fourth-wall thing; she's the author winking his eye to the audience in a "You-see-what-I'm-doing-here-haha" way.