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I Don't Do Mornings
As Spike wiped the sleep out his eyes, everything blurry came into focus. With the noonday sun overhead, he shuffled through the kitchen’s warm light. Spike yawned as he plucked a bowl from the cupboard. He yawned a hum as he set the bowl on the table.
“Psst! Spike!” A familiar pony peeked her head through the tablecloth.
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Starlight? What are you do-”
“DON’T make any sudden movements.” She instructed slowly, “Hop under the table- if you want to live.”
Spike chuckled, “Starlight, if this is another one of your spiteful pranks, you’re wastin-”
“Hiya Spike! Top of the mornin’ to ya!” A high-pitched voice greeted behind him.
Spike smiled, turning toward the familiar Alicorn, “oh, thank goodness, Twilight. Star is acting a little w-”
Without warning, something large and heavy sucker-punched him in the snout, sending him tumbling toward the ground. His head slammed against the edge of the table… and his vision went black.
“HOOO!” Owlowiscious cried in protest as he flew across the room.
“I gotcha!” Starlight caught the hurtling owl and peeked through the cracked binoculars, “looks like we are in over our heads. Literally”
“What did you do to her?!” Spike duct-taped a colander to his head, minding the wound on the back of his head.
An ink pot shattered overhead, coating them in black rain.
“I DON’T KNOW!” Starlight dipped her head, narrowly evading an airborne dictionary. “I was having a quiet breakfast with her, taking careful notes! The next thing I know, I was knocked over the head with a microscope!”
“So it happened when you two were recording yesterday’s experiment?” Spike scratched his chin. “Did Twi have a crazy look in her eye?”
Starlight nodded. “Like the one Pinkie has? Oh yeah.”
“I think I know what set her off…” Spike peeked his head over the table, spotting the Alicorn doing cartwheels in midair. A shell of orbiting books followed her every move, shielding her from the impacts on the walls.
“Hey Twi, are you alright?” Spike shouted.
“Eeyuperie! I never felt more alive!” Twilight flung a dozen dictionaries out the valence shell.
Spike flinched as one hit his colander helmet. “Twi, are you in over your head with assignments?”
The Alicorn answered in a singsong voice, “nothing goes over my head! I’d catch it first!”
“Apparently not.” Starlight cradled the Owl in her hooves, shushing his pained ‘hoo’s
Spike flashed a glare at the unicorn. “Have you been messing with time travel magic again?”
“What? Of course not!” Starlight rummaged through a damaged first aid kit. “I Pinkie Promised!”
“Dang it” He snapped his claws. “So, that eliminates Future Twilight.”
“Future what?!”
“Tell you about it later,” Spike waved a dismissive claw. “What about Parasprites? Even pictures of them give her nightmares…”
“You mean those little blobs that eat everything and vomit copies of themselves?” Starlight cocked an eyebrow. “Why in the world would they be here?”
“You got a lot to learn, Starlight.” Spike snatched the nearest set of dictionaries. “Are you sure it wasn’t any of those things?”
“I’m about as clueless as you are…”
“Winter Wrap up! Winter Wrap up!” Twilight bounded up and down her book shell, flashing a toothy grin. “Foolish mortals! Knowledge is power!”
Spike threw the dictionary at Twilight, only for it to glance off her ‘Knowledge Shield’. Spike’s second effort proved futile as the smaller dictionary didn’t get past the second shell. He picked up a Styrofoam cup from Sugarcube Corner, about to throw it.
His eyes caught onto the colorful cursive on the label. He examined it closer. “Uh, Starlight…”
“What?” She glared at him, working quickly to nurse Owlowiscious.
“What did you get Twilight for breakfast?”
“Oh, just a bagel with a cup of Cocoa…” Starlight wrapped the owl’s wing in a bandage. “Why?”
“I think you got the wrong order.” Spike pointed to the label.
“Sweet Celestia…” Starlight’s blood drained as she read the ornate pink writing.
~Expresso for Miss Pinkie Pie - Extra caffeine for a hard-working number one mare - made with love~
“Psst! Spike!” A familiar pony peeked her head through the tablecloth.
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Starlight? What are you do-”
“DON’T make any sudden movements.” She instructed slowly, “Hop under the table- if you want to live.”
Spike chuckled, “Starlight, if this is another one of your spiteful pranks, you’re wastin-”
“Hiya Spike! Top of the mornin’ to ya!” A high-pitched voice greeted behind him.
Spike smiled, turning toward the familiar Alicorn, “oh, thank goodness, Twilight. Star is acting a little w-”
Without warning, something large and heavy sucker-punched him in the snout, sending him tumbling toward the ground. His head slammed against the edge of the table… and his vision went black.
“HOOO!” Owlowiscious cried in protest as he flew across the room.
“I gotcha!” Starlight caught the hurtling owl and peeked through the cracked binoculars, “looks like we are in over our heads. Literally”
“What did you do to her?!” Spike duct-taped a colander to his head, minding the wound on the back of his head.
An ink pot shattered overhead, coating them in black rain.
“I DON’T KNOW!” Starlight dipped her head, narrowly evading an airborne dictionary. “I was having a quiet breakfast with her, taking careful notes! The next thing I know, I was knocked over the head with a microscope!”
“So it happened when you two were recording yesterday’s experiment?” Spike scratched his chin. “Did Twi have a crazy look in her eye?”
Starlight nodded. “Like the one Pinkie has? Oh yeah.”
“I think I know what set her off…” Spike peeked his head over the table, spotting the Alicorn doing cartwheels in midair. A shell of orbiting books followed her every move, shielding her from the impacts on the walls.
“Hey Twi, are you alright?” Spike shouted.
“Eeyuperie! I never felt more alive!” Twilight flung a dozen dictionaries out the valence shell.
Spike flinched as one hit his colander helmet. “Twi, are you in over your head with assignments?”
The Alicorn answered in a singsong voice, “nothing goes over my head! I’d catch it first!”
“Apparently not.” Starlight cradled the Owl in her hooves, shushing his pained ‘hoo’s
Spike flashed a glare at the unicorn. “Have you been messing with time travel magic again?”
“What? Of course not!” Starlight rummaged through a damaged first aid kit. “I Pinkie Promised!”
“Dang it” He snapped his claws. “So, that eliminates Future Twilight.”
“Future what?!”
“Tell you about it later,” Spike waved a dismissive claw. “What about Parasprites? Even pictures of them give her nightmares…”
“You mean those little blobs that eat everything and vomit copies of themselves?” Starlight cocked an eyebrow. “Why in the world would they be here?”
“You got a lot to learn, Starlight.” Spike snatched the nearest set of dictionaries. “Are you sure it wasn’t any of those things?”
“I’m about as clueless as you are…”
“Winter Wrap up! Winter Wrap up!” Twilight bounded up and down her book shell, flashing a toothy grin. “Foolish mortals! Knowledge is power!”
Spike threw the dictionary at Twilight, only for it to glance off her ‘Knowledge Shield’. Spike’s second effort proved futile as the smaller dictionary didn’t get past the second shell. He picked up a Styrofoam cup from Sugarcube Corner, about to throw it.
His eyes caught onto the colorful cursive on the label. He examined it closer. “Uh, Starlight…”
“What?” She glared at him, working quickly to nurse Owlowiscious.
“What did you get Twilight for breakfast?”
“Oh, just a bagel with a cup of Cocoa…” Starlight wrapped the owl’s wing in a bandage. “Why?”
“I think you got the wrong order.” Spike pointed to the label.
“Sweet Celestia…” Starlight’s blood drained as she read the ornate pink writing.
~Expresso for Miss Pinkie Pie - Extra caffeine for a hard-working number one mare - made with love~
Huzzah, someone remembered that Owlowiscious exists!
However, aside from that this feels rushed and like a dozen stories I've read before. That isn't entirely bad - it's a cute premise which I like and would probably read if I came across on fimfic - but I found this one too similar, and somehow predictable, and thus forgettable.
I'd also prefer an actual resolution, because it feels like the resolution - if one was ever even thought of - was sacrificed for the sake of the final joke/punchline.
Not bad, but needs work.
However, aside from that this feels rushed and like a dozen stories I've read before. That isn't entirely bad - it's a cute premise which I like and would probably read if I came across on fimfic - but I found this one too similar, and somehow predictable, and thus forgettable.
I'd also prefer an actual resolution, because it feels like the resolution - if one was ever even thought of - was sacrificed for the sake of the final joke/punchline.
Not bad, but needs work.
Espresso is spelled with an s, not an x.
Yes, I know it isn't phonetic.
Anyway...
"Character drinks coffee and gets extremely hyper/jittery" is a tried and true trope, but it is also a bit tired at this point, and this doesn't really do anything new with the idea.
Yes, I know it isn't phonetic.
Anyway...
"Character drinks coffee and gets extremely hyper/jittery" is a tried and true trope, but it is also a bit tired at this point, and this doesn't really do anything new with the idea.
I have no idea how one yawns a hum.
Why is Twilight spouting Irishisms?
Okay, that is three prompt drops too many. By which I mean three prompt drops.
Yeah, this bordered on incoherence. Things happened with very little rhyme or reason. When has Starlight performed malicious pranks? Why is Twilight afraid of parasprites, considering she’s summoned them in the past? Why is a lifetime scholar this vulnerable to caffeine? Even the title feels disconnected from the story. Organize your thoughts and try this again.
Why is Twilight spouting Irishisms?
Okay, that is three prompt drops too many. By which I mean three prompt drops.
Yeah, this bordered on incoherence. Things happened with very little rhyme or reason. When has Starlight performed malicious pranks? Why is Twilight afraid of parasprites, considering she’s summoned them in the past? Why is a lifetime scholar this vulnerable to caffeine? Even the title feels disconnected from the story. Organize your thoughts and try this again.
I thought that coffee was supposed to make you hyper, not insane. Basically, this story was a huge, predictable mess. It's basically just "here are a bunch of weird things happening" and nothing else. I think it could possibly have worked better if you had done more with Starlight and Spike and found ways to make their dialogue more interesting/amusing, because they're the ones who really need to carry this story.
This is too much. Hyper is fine, crazy is fine, but intentionally injuring Spike and Owlowicious? I don't buy it.
I have several questions...
Really though, in all seriousness this has the look and feel of either the work of a developing writer, or the work of one who might have forgotten the existence of the restraint button during the editing phase. Everything feels excessive, but not in the way that lends shading and definition to the narrative. Give yourself some words to properly draw more interesting anchoring content from Spike and Starlight—that whole first section could be removed to allow you to do that.
I much prefer the idea of Pinkie having to constantly be drinking water and milk in order to dilute her naturally produced caffeine levels, but that's an aside.
I don't mind the fact that it's a well-worn premise though, nor even that it doesn't bring anything new to the table. If it's cute and entertaining then I'd probably read (and enjoy) it. I think this has some way to go to get to that stage, but you've got the foundations in place to deliver on your premise.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Really though, in all seriousness this has the look and feel of either the work of a developing writer, or the work of one who might have forgotten the existence of the restraint button during the editing phase. Everything feels excessive, but not in the way that lends shading and definition to the narrative. Give yourself some words to properly draw more interesting anchoring content from Spike and Starlight—that whole first section could be removed to allow you to do that.
Expresso for Miss Pinkie Pie - Extra caffeine
I much prefer the idea of Pinkie having to constantly be drinking water and milk in order to dilute her naturally produced caffeine levels, but that's an aside.
I don't mind the fact that it's a well-worn premise though, nor even that it doesn't bring anything new to the table. If it's cute and entertaining then I'd probably read (and enjoy) it. I think this has some way to go to get to that stage, but you've got the foundations in place to deliver on your premise.
Thanks for sharing your work.
At the beginning, I thought Twilight had gone off the deep end and was physically attacking everyone else. I can see Twilight getting hyper or insane and accidentally causing harm and injury to those around her.. But her behavior here seems... actively aggressive and violent. She's intentionally shielding herself with books, she's smacking everyone else around.. It doesn't make any sense.
Add in to that that Spike is throwing stuff at her.. IT sounds like a battle, as opposed to a Twilight meltdown.
Now, if you'd said that there was a constant shield of books circling her because Twilight was switching between reading each one at an insane pace, apparently oblivious to the world around her... That would have made more sense. And then Spike tossing a book at her would have been explained as trying to get her attention, as opposed to an apparent unsuccessful attack on the mare.
Also, the prompt drop. Apparently some people hate prompt drops. They think they're, I don't know, tacky and low brow or something. Now, personally, I have no issue with prompt drops, assuming they're slipped in cleanly and logically. I do prompt drops regularly myself. But three prompt drops? Especially three that are rather forced? Yeeeeah, that's not really going to fly.
Honestly, Twilight here is acting more like she's on LSD rather than caffeine.
Mind you, if was Pinkie's coffee... And the Cakes dosing her with mind altering substances would explain her behavior a bit... O.o
Add in to that that Spike is throwing stuff at her.. IT sounds like a battle, as opposed to a Twilight meltdown.
Now, if you'd said that there was a constant shield of books circling her because Twilight was switching between reading each one at an insane pace, apparently oblivious to the world around her... That would have made more sense. And then Spike tossing a book at her would have been explained as trying to get her attention, as opposed to an apparent unsuccessful attack on the mare.
Also, the prompt drop. Apparently some people hate prompt drops. They think they're, I don't know, tacky and low brow or something. Now, personally, I have no issue with prompt drops, assuming they're slipped in cleanly and logically. I do prompt drops regularly myself. But three prompt drops? Especially three that are rather forced? Yeeeeah, that's not really going to fly.
Honestly, Twilight here is acting more like she's on LSD rather than caffeine.
Mind you, if was Pinkie's coffee... And the Cakes dosing her with mind altering substances would explain her behavior a bit... O.o
I Don't Do Mornings - A Retrospective and an apology letter to all readers
Now that the author of this egregious story is revealed, I'll entertain you guys with a short reference:
Writeoff Association: *points sharp quill at Pinoy's neck* "The only reason why you're still alive, pony, is that I find your stupidity mildly amusing"
Pinoypony: "Well thank you, Writeoff, but I find your criticisms extremely harsh"
Writeoff Association: "Who do you think you are, Pony?"
Pinoypony: "Who do you think I am, Writeoff?"
Writeoff Association: "..." *snickers and laughs*
Pinoypony: *joins in laughing, after a while, ruins the moment* "Why are we laughing?"
Writeoff Association: *stern glare* "Take this egregious piece of filth to the bottom of the Ballot"
... and just like that, Ibuprofen has worn out, -pain ensues.
I got this idea when I was fresh out of the dentist's office. "Hey, why don't I make a fanfiction about Twilight having a major insanity meltdown? Ibuprofen is common, not so strong... but my, It's making me loopy, why not do that with Twilight and caffeine?
:facehoof: Yeeeaaahhhh.... in hindsight, not the best idea. Just another example of why I can't do trollfics... even when I'm... you know what, lets not go there.
>>Astrarian
>>TitaniumDragon
Got it. It's hard to determine what's been overdone and what's never been done.
"When in doubt, give em' cliches a broken leg" (Oops, spill-over Ibuprofen -_-)
>>FanOfMostEverything
WELL I... (thinks about reply)... you know what, on second thought, I'm not going to fight with you, you know your stuff. That's why they call you FanOfMostEverything.
I'm just joking around! In all good nature, thanks for checking the technicalities!
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Got it... Go big or go home when it comes to insane trollfics.
Also, Prompt Drops... Eh, let's not talk about that, I'm shivering at my own work now 0-0. I'll make sure that the story fits the prompt first... and not put it into dialogue.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Finally! Someone who got the joke! It was Pinkie's Coffee! (laughs awkwardly).
Well, this is the best reviewer in this section. I gotta say, TheCyanRecluse knows how to handle a fic that shouldn't see the light of day. Most seemed offended, while Cyan keep their cool. Kudos!
~Final Thoughts~
... I guess that I got a lot of people I need to make this up to. Good idea in theory, bad move that will cost me years to atone for this error. Seriously, I apologize to all of those who ended up in an asylum by reading this.
Welp, off to the Cryo-beds with this- see you guys in two years!
TL;DR
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, -DO NOT READ THIS FIC. viewing this has driven many to harsh reviews this round. For the safety of you, and others around, DO NOT READ.
Now that the author of this egregious story is revealed, I'll entertain you guys with a short reference:
Writeoff Association: *points sharp quill at Pinoy's neck* "The only reason why you're still alive, pony, is that I find your stupidity mildly amusing"
Pinoypony: "Well thank you, Writeoff, but I find your criticisms extremely harsh"
Writeoff Association: "Who do you think you are, Pony?"
Pinoypony: "Who do you think I am, Writeoff?"
Writeoff Association: "..." *snickers and laughs*
Pinoypony: *joins in laughing, after a while, ruins the moment* "Why are we laughing?"
Writeoff Association: *stern glare* "Take this egregious piece of filth to the bottom of the Ballot"
... and just like that, Ibuprofen has worn out, -pain ensues.
I got this idea when I was fresh out of the dentist's office. "Hey, why don't I make a fanfiction about Twilight having a major insanity meltdown? Ibuprofen is common, not so strong... but my, It's making me loopy, why not do that with Twilight and caffeine?
:facehoof: Yeeeaaahhhh.... in hindsight, not the best idea. Just another example of why I can't do trollfics... even when I'm... you know what, lets not go there.
>>Astrarian
>>TitaniumDragon
Got it. It's hard to determine what's been overdone and what's never been done.
"When in doubt, give em' cliches a broken leg" (Oops, spill-over Ibuprofen -_-)
>>FanOfMostEverything
WELL I... (thinks about reply)... you know what, on second thought, I'm not going to fight with you, you know your stuff. That's why they call you FanOfMostEverything.
I'm just joking around! In all good nature, thanks for checking the technicalities!
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Got it... Go big or go home when it comes to insane trollfics.
Also, Prompt Drops... Eh, let's not talk about that, I'm shivering at my own work now 0-0. I'll make sure that the story fits the prompt first... and not put it into dialogue.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Finally! Someone who got the joke! It was Pinkie's Coffee! (laughs awkwardly).
Well, this is the best reviewer in this section. I gotta say, TheCyanRecluse knows how to handle a fic that shouldn't see the light of day. Most seemed offended, while Cyan keep their cool. Kudos!
~Final Thoughts~
... I guess that I got a lot of people I need to make this up to. Good idea in theory, bad move that will cost me years to atone for this error. Seriously, I apologize to all of those who ended up in an asylum by reading this.
Welp, off to the Cryo-beds with this- see you guys in two years!
TL;DR
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, -DO NOT READ THIS FIC. viewing this has driven many to harsh reviews this round. For the safety of you, and others around, DO NOT READ.
>>PinoyPony
Don't be so negative. I thought the fic was cute and funny, even though I felt Twilight's violence needed a little more explanation to make sense. The critique isn't a good measure of enjoyment.
Don't be so negative. I thought the fic was cute and funny, even though I felt Twilight's violence needed a little more explanation to make sense. The critique isn't a good measure of enjoyment.
>>PinoyPony
Hey, please don't worry about it! I see now my critique reads a little like I was expecting perfection or something. I wasn't, and I'm sorry I gave you the impression you needed to apologiseto me because you definitely don't. This is by no means a bad or offensive story. I need to work on how I present my criticisms.
I agree it's hard to know what's been done before. If it makes you feel any better, I wrote a story like this myself, only it was even more predictable (Pinkie and sugar overload, good lord I mean sugar highs aren't even scientifically accurate) and I had no idea how common the idea was before then. Don't sweat it. :)
Hey, please don't worry about it! I see now my critique reads a little like I was expecting perfection or something. I wasn't, and I'm sorry I gave you the impression you needed to apologiseto me because you definitely don't. This is by no means a bad or offensive story. I need to work on how I present my criticisms.
I agree it's hard to know what's been done before. If it makes you feel any better, I wrote a story like this myself, only it was even more predictable (Pinkie and sugar overload, good lord I mean sugar highs aren't even scientifically accurate) and I had no idea how common the idea was before then. Don't sweat it. :)