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The closest I can come:
To making this work--and I very much want it to work--is that it's a pamphlet put together by Trixie to advertise the book she plugs at the end, and that she solicited the submissions from Moon Dancer and Starlight under false pretenses. That's the only way I can think of for this to be a single piece from beginning to end.
If that's the case, then I'll suggest expending it for FimFiction publication by giving us another scene where Starlight angrily confronts Trixie about it. And if that isn't the case, then I'd like to know what the heck's going on here, author! :)
Mike
To making this work--and I very much want it to work--is that it's a pamphlet put together by Trixie to advertise the book she plugs at the end, and that she solicited the submissions from Moon Dancer and Starlight under false pretenses. That's the only way I can think of for this to be a single piece from beginning to end.
If that's the case, then I'll suggest expending it for FimFiction publication by giving us another scene where Starlight angrily confronts Trixie about it. And if that isn't the case, then I'd like to know what the heck's going on here, author! :)
Mike
Hmm… I'll be more lukewarm than the former commenters. I like the setting and all, and you've a knack for vivid descriptions but: 1. There's no real pony thing here – take any fantasy world and you can comfily lodge this story in – and 2. there is no resolution. The story stops midways.
For both reasons I can't rank this story first, but it still will be high on my slate.
For both reasons I can't rank this story first, but it still will be high on my slate.
Because I know:
How much I appreciate it when I get conflicting advice in the comments, I'm gonna chime in about how absolutely perfect the last line is. Changeling stories are always about them taking emotion in, so to see Kevin honestly expressing what he's feeling at the end is, I'd say, vital. Especially since he's being so stiff-upper-lip throughout the whole thing and "resigning his commission for the good of the regiment."
I actually have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that it was the cubicle in the first line that threw me for bit as well as the way the POV mooshes around at the beginning: Luna's in the 1st paragraph, Kevin's in the 2nd, and a much more external viewpoint for the rest of the story. Still, very good.
Mike
How much I appreciate it when I get conflicting advice in the comments, I'm gonna chime in about how absolutely perfect the last line is. Changeling stories are always about them taking emotion in, so to see Kevin honestly expressing what he's feeling at the end is, I'd say, vital. Especially since he's being so stiff-upper-lip throughout the whole thing and "resigning his commission for the good of the regiment."
I actually have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that it was the cubicle in the first line that threw me for bit as well as the way the POV mooshes around at the beginning: Luna's in the 1st paragraph, Kevin's in the 2nd, and a much more external viewpoint for the rest of the story. Still, very good.
Mike
This is a pretty straightforward story, Writer. Summarizing the significant events of Season 5 via horoscope is interesting, if not entirely in keeping with the prompt. It's clever obfuscation, while still allowing you enough information to tease out which references are being made. A neat sort of puzzle, which is fitting, considering the sorts of things you find next to horoscopes in newspapers. I agree with >>Haze, though - there's not anything more to the story than that.
Still, I liked it for what it is. Nice job, Writer.
>>Trick_Question
I was under the impression that Roam=Rome; while I do like the word roan, it doesn't work as well with the saying.
Although, Roanin would be a hell of a ponification for Ronin. Yooo, somepony needs to write that!
Still, I liked it for what it is. Nice job, Writer.
>>Trick_Question
I was under the impression that Roam=Rome; while I do like the word roan, it doesn't work as well with the saying.
Although, Roanin would be a hell of a ponification for Ronin. Yooo, somepony needs to write that!
>>Icenrose
I didn't pick up on the fact that this was referencing anything. Are you sure about your interpretation? I still don't see it.
I didn't pick up on the fact that this was referencing anything. Are you sure about your interpretation? I still don't see it.
>>Trick_Question
Have they really? Crumb, I need topay better attention start paying attention to the non-show stuff.
>>Trick_Question
Well, as I see it, this entire story takes place immediately prior to the start of the Season 5 premeire. The very first thing that happens at the beginning of the episode is Twilight fretting to the rest of the Mane 6 about the deeper meaning behind her receiving her new castle from the Tree of Harmony. Rainbow Dash plants her butt on her own throne while giving a brief summary of the Season 4 finale to Twilight, hence the lines in the story, "And let's go check out that throne room again! I wanna sit on my awesome seat!" She's talking as though this is a new experience for her, and the episode shows the first time she (and the rest of the mares) sit on their thrones.
As for the main body of the horoscope, almost every episode of Season 5 is referenced in some oblique way, from the events of "Castle Sweet Castle" ("Are you surrounded by the new, extraordinary, foreign, or strange? It's okay to be scared or show a little disappointment, but don’t be afraid to ask for some friendly faces to help familiarize you with the unfamiliar") to "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows" ("Is that wedding bells I’m hearing? Or the sound of somepony’s new addition? Maybe love isn’t in your forecast, but you’ll still have plenty of time for partying").
Have they really? Crumb, I need to
>>Trick_Question
Well, as I see it, this entire story takes place immediately prior to the start of the Season 5 premeire. The very first thing that happens at the beginning of the episode is Twilight fretting to the rest of the Mane 6 about the deeper meaning behind her receiving her new castle from the Tree of Harmony. Rainbow Dash plants her butt on her own throne while giving a brief summary of the Season 4 finale to Twilight, hence the lines in the story, "And let's go check out that throne room again! I wanna sit on my awesome seat!" She's talking as though this is a new experience for her, and the episode shows the first time she (and the rest of the mares) sit on their thrones.
As for the main body of the horoscope, almost every episode of Season 5 is referenced in some oblique way, from the events of "Castle Sweet Castle" ("Are you surrounded by the new, extraordinary, foreign, or strange? It's okay to be scared or show a little disappointment, but don’t be afraid to ask for some friendly faces to help familiarize you with the unfamiliar") to "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows" ("Is that wedding bells I’m hearing? Or the sound of somepony’s new addition? Maybe love isn’t in your forecast, but you’ll still have plenty of time for partying").
There wasn't anything particularly bad about this story... But there wasn't much particularly good either I'm afraid. There were a few amusing bits, but not really enough of them to carry the story... And the surprise twist at the end just sorta... Fell flat for me. From the very beginning I assumed we were going to learn about someone's unexpected sibling... Perhaps it would have worked better if it turned out that each of them had a surprising uncle or cousin or something.
Rainbow Dash: "What, I never mentioned that my cousin is the emperor of the Gryphon Empire? Why do you think I was so friendly with Gilda?" ;>
Rainbow Dash: "What, I never mentioned that my cousin is the emperor of the Gryphon Empire? Why do you think I was so friendly with Gilda?" ;>
Not bad. Mildly amusing and it shows off an interesting relationship between Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. I'll second a lot of the other's when they say they get a slight shipping vibe at first, which struck me as a tad odd.
And I suppose that RD didn't really have to tell AJ about her secret hideaway, since it's apparently not quite as secret as she would have liked.... ;>
And I suppose that RD didn't really have to tell AJ about her secret hideaway, since it's apparently not quite as secret as she would have liked.... ;>
I'm... Mostly puzzled by this one. I get the general picture, but the details elude me...
Soooo.. Nightmare Moon won. Celestia is banished. The elements of harmony were never activated. Now some ponies are trying to figure out how to defeat Nightmare Moon, but she can see dreams... And thus see the intent of those aligned against her. She's the ultimate spymaster, and this no one can stand against her.
Except when she scoops up this little batch of rabble rousers, she finds an extra pony that never showed up in the dream realm.. Lyra. Because Lyra had, at some point in the past, cast a spell to keep herself from having to sleep... Probably for some innocuous reason. This makes her extra dangerous to Nightmare Moon, so she...
Has a change of heart / dream sequence / something? And then decides to let Lyra go, after revealing the secret of her police state. So Lyra returns home, knowing she alone is immune to the Nightmare's watching eyes.... And.. Burns her book on the elements, apparently giving up the quest to beat her? I'm totally confused and nonplussed by all of this, and not sure what the point it.
It is interesting though, if confusing, so you definitely earn points for that...
Soooo.. Nightmare Moon won. Celestia is banished. The elements of harmony were never activated. Now some ponies are trying to figure out how to defeat Nightmare Moon, but she can see dreams... And thus see the intent of those aligned against her. She's the ultimate spymaster, and this no one can stand against her.
Except when she scoops up this little batch of rabble rousers, she finds an extra pony that never showed up in the dream realm.. Lyra. Because Lyra had, at some point in the past, cast a spell to keep herself from having to sleep... Probably for some innocuous reason. This makes her extra dangerous to Nightmare Moon, so she...
Has a change of heart / dream sequence / something? And then decides to let Lyra go, after revealing the secret of her police state. So Lyra returns home, knowing she alone is immune to the Nightmare's watching eyes.... And.. Burns her book on the elements, apparently giving up the quest to beat her? I'm totally confused and nonplussed by all of this, and not sure what the point it.
It is interesting though, if confusing, so you definitely earn points for that...
Here in the Wonderbolts, thinking outside the box is a necessity.
You've got a very different Wonderbolts organization than the regimented military one seen in the show. I'll overlook that in the spirit of speculative fiction: give a story one major break from reality for free, to see what it does with the idea.
"What the actual fuck" made me grin. The actual ending/punchline, not so much; it felt like explaining the joke. Or maybe just that what's implied is funnier than what's shown, just like the monster in the darkness is scarier than the dude in the rubber suit waddling through the living room after the screaming heroes.
idk. There's potential here, but it could use some more meat to it.
Tier: Almost There
First, I thought this might be some sort of first contact thing. If not between species, then between this group of ponies and humans.
Then I thought it might be a war... But the ponies seemed awfully calm and unconcerned about it.
Then it became clear it was capture the flag... A game of a training exercise. Much preferable to a pointless war between humans and ponies.
Then the ponies lost, though the details of the fight were rather unclear.
And then it was over.
It's an interesting idea and scene... But there's just not much there there. So many words are used to set up the scene that we don't get to see much of the action... And at the same time, we're given no explanation as to why all this is happening, or how we got to this point, which would have been interesting. I think you would have been better off starting the story withBright Spark sneaking about, smugly confident that they'll beat these silly humans... And thinking about how they ended up at this point, playing this game... And ending with her getting a new coat of paint because she was too busy woolgathering and not paying enough attention to those sneaky humans... Same scene, but framed a bit more tightly on one character, and with a bit more insight into the circumstances of the situation.
Then I thought it might be a war... But the ponies seemed awfully calm and unconcerned about it.
Then it became clear it was capture the flag... A game of a training exercise. Much preferable to a pointless war between humans and ponies.
Then the ponies lost, though the details of the fight were rather unclear.
And then it was over.
It's an interesting idea and scene... But there's just not much there there. So many words are used to set up the scene that we don't get to see much of the action... And at the same time, we're given no explanation as to why all this is happening, or how we got to this point, which would have been interesting. I think you would have been better off starting the story withBright Spark sneaking about, smugly confident that they'll beat these silly humans... And thinking about how they ended up at this point, playing this game... And ending with her getting a new coat of paint because she was too busy woolgathering and not paying enough attention to those sneaky humans... Same scene, but framed a bit more tightly on one character, and with a bit more insight into the circumstances of the situation.
Okay, am I the only one who thought that the names Pump and Pound made this story's first sentence seem rather... Lewd?
Just me?
Okay.. Never mind. Forget I said anything...
Annnyway... It became pretty clear pretty quick just who we were actually dealing with. The inherent cuteness of Pound and Pumpkin playing spy was kinda offset by the excessively violent nature of their imaginary escapades... Snapping necks, mind altering chemicals, and terrible bioweapons? Yikes! Also, there are some rather strange word choices / grammar issues here and there. And the prompt drop.... Now personally, I have no problems with prompt drops. I like using them myself from time to time. But this one felt kinda shoehorned in, and grammatically incorrect. It's not as if the story needed the prompt drop in order to fit the theme anyway. It did so just fine without it.
It's a cute little story, but the language needs some editing and polishing.
Just me?
Okay.. Never mind. Forget I said anything...
Annnyway... It became pretty clear pretty quick just who we were actually dealing with. The inherent cuteness of Pound and Pumpkin playing spy was kinda offset by the excessively violent nature of their imaginary escapades... Snapping necks, mind altering chemicals, and terrible bioweapons? Yikes! Also, there are some rather strange word choices / grammar issues here and there. And the prompt drop.... Now personally, I have no problems with prompt drops. I like using them myself from time to time. But this one felt kinda shoehorned in, and grammatically incorrect. It's not as if the story needed the prompt drop in order to fit the theme anyway. It did so just fine without it.
It's a cute little story, but the language needs some editing and polishing.
I'd like to roll my eyes at the idea of the CMC breaking into the personal office of one of the rulers of the land.. But then again, the Royal Guard never impressed me with their competence, and the CMC are pretty driven, so I suppose I can buy it. Thoiugh I don't understand why they didn't pull this stunt on Twilight instead. Or, you know, just ASKED instead of engaging in some B&E.
I'll second some of the other reviews that some additional information about the situation would have been useful up front. You don't have to give away exactly where the CMC is, or the details of what they're doing... But knowing that they're being chased, or are in trouble would have made things a bit easier to follow from the very beginning.
Also, the guards just going in to sweep the room... And thus letting the CMC escape... seemed a bit odd. Maybe if you threw in a line about the guard captain rolling his eyes and sighing, allowing the kids to make their getaway... Because they're a known quantity, definitely not a threat to the crown, and they know where they live anyway. So it's more important to ensure that the Princess's office isn't on fire rather than apprehend the rapscallions? Otherwise the guards look super incompetent. (As opposed to just regular incompetent, which is their normal state of being.)
I'll second some of the other reviews that some additional information about the situation would have been useful up front. You don't have to give away exactly where the CMC is, or the details of what they're doing... But knowing that they're being chased, or are in trouble would have made things a bit easier to follow from the very beginning.
Also, the guards just going in to sweep the room... And thus letting the CMC escape... seemed a bit odd. Maybe if you threw in a line about the guard captain rolling his eyes and sighing, allowing the kids to make their getaway... Because they're a known quantity, definitely not a threat to the crown, and they know where they live anyway. So it's more important to ensure that the Princess's office isn't on fire rather than apprehend the rapscallions? Otherwise the guards look super incompetent. (As opposed to just regular incompetent, which is their normal state of being.)
At the beginning, I thought Twilight had gone off the deep end and was physically attacking everyone else. I can see Twilight getting hyper or insane and accidentally causing harm and injury to those around her.. But her behavior here seems... actively aggressive and violent. She's intentionally shielding herself with books, she's smacking everyone else around.. It doesn't make any sense.
Add in to that that Spike is throwing stuff at her.. IT sounds like a battle, as opposed to a Twilight meltdown.
Now, if you'd said that there was a constant shield of books circling her because Twilight was switching between reading each one at an insane pace, apparently oblivious to the world around her... That would have made more sense. And then Spike tossing a book at her would have been explained as trying to get her attention, as opposed to an apparent unsuccessful attack on the mare.
Also, the prompt drop. Apparently some people hate prompt drops. They think they're, I don't know, tacky and low brow or something. Now, personally, I have no issue with prompt drops, assuming they're slipped in cleanly and logically. I do prompt drops regularly myself. But three prompt drops? Especially three that are rather forced? Yeeeeah, that's not really going to fly.
Honestly, Twilight here is acting more like she's on LSD rather than caffeine.
Mind you, if was Pinkie's coffee... And the Cakes dosing her with mind altering substances would explain her behavior a bit... O.o
Add in to that that Spike is throwing stuff at her.. IT sounds like a battle, as opposed to a Twilight meltdown.
Now, if you'd said that there was a constant shield of books circling her because Twilight was switching between reading each one at an insane pace, apparently oblivious to the world around her... That would have made more sense. And then Spike tossing a book at her would have been explained as trying to get her attention, as opposed to an apparent unsuccessful attack on the mare.
Also, the prompt drop. Apparently some people hate prompt drops. They think they're, I don't know, tacky and low brow or something. Now, personally, I have no issue with prompt drops, assuming they're slipped in cleanly and logically. I do prompt drops regularly myself. But three prompt drops? Especially three that are rather forced? Yeeeeah, that's not really going to fly.
Honestly, Twilight here is acting more like she's on LSD rather than caffeine.
Mind you, if was Pinkie's coffee... And the Cakes dosing her with mind altering substances would explain her behavior a bit... O.o
I'll second the other.. Pransi is taking ponification a step too far... (Especially when combined with the oddity of her having it firmly in hand!)
As to the story, I was impressed with the level of thought and detail put into the burger joint... But those lovely descriptions and pleasant worldbuilding sucks up most of your word count, leaving very little for the actual plot. This was a pretty good work as is, but I think it would really shine if extended, with as much care spent on Winter and the story as the scenery. :)
As to the story, I was impressed with the level of thought and detail put into the burger joint... But those lovely descriptions and pleasant worldbuilding sucks up most of your word count, leaving very little for the actual plot. This was a pretty good work as is, but I think it would really shine if extended, with as much care spent on Winter and the story as the scenery. :)
Gotta go:
With >>horizon on this one--I giggled pretty much constantly throughout and will rank the story accordingly high.
Mike
With >>horizon on this one--I giggled pretty much constantly throughout and will rank the story accordingly high.
Mike
Okay, I thought the first section was pretty damned brilliant and funny to start off with, and very much in character for Discord. The montage wasn't quite up to the same level, but was pretty good as well. The ending though.... I dunno... I think you were going for a "Well that escalated quickly." but to me it felt more like "Well, that got kinda dark."
Still, pretty good and an interesting take on Discord and Twilight. ;>
>>Not_Worthy2
As far as Twilight's motivation to learn chaos magic... She's "All Knowledge Must Be Mine" Sparkle. And chaos magic is a form of magic, her area of expertise. What better motivation could there be for her? ;>
Still, pretty good and an interesting take on Discord and Twilight. ;>
>>Not_Worthy2
As far as Twilight's motivation to learn chaos magic... She's "All Knowledge Must Be Mine" Sparkle. And chaos magic is a form of magic, her area of expertise. What better motivation could there be for her? ;>
Ooooh... Creepy and disturbing and quite a clever idea! I like!
Though you'd think this would have come up after the changeling invasion... O.o
Though you'd think this would have come up after the changeling invasion... O.o
Okay, this was clever and amusing. With some very fascinating and evocative descriptions. My favorite? The bit with all of the foals of ponyville eating sugarcube corner...
Poor Rainbow Dash.
Though In the end I really expected AJ to shell out the 50 bits with a cheerful smile... And point out that Rainbow had done at least 100 bits worth of work to win the bet... So even by losing, AJ was winning. I'm not sure if that would have been better or worse than the ending as it stands...
Definite thumbs up though. ;>
Poor Rainbow Dash.
Though In the end I really expected AJ to shell out the 50 bits with a cheerful smile... And point out that Rainbow had done at least 100 bits worth of work to win the bet... So even by losing, AJ was winning. I'm not sure if that would have been better or worse than the ending as it stands...
Definite thumbs up though. ;>
Speaking of "give a story one major break from reality for free, to see what it does with the idea" ... I have so many questions about your premise, author. But this doesn't seem like the sort of story where the premise is supposed to make logical sense.
Unfortunately, it's running on a little too much Rule of Cool and/or fanservice for me. Twilight saying things out loud while she's trying to be stealthy just so Luna can pop up and surprise her. The aforementioned premise of Celestia's ambiguously labeled room of dirty selfies. The character destruction comedy of her flipping out about it.
There are moments when the Rule of Cool coalesces. I do like the little feint of the sun orb; I just wish it didn't feel out of place with the idiot balling required for the plot to work. Overall, I feel a lot like I do when I walk out of an average summer blockbuster movie, where it was full of spectacle and if I'd been able to turn my brain off I might have even enjoyed it, but it was just asking me to overlook too much in the plot department.
Tier: Almost There
Unfortunately, it's running on a little too much Rule of Cool and/or fanservice for me. Twilight saying things out loud while she's trying to be stealthy just so Luna can pop up and surprise her. The aforementioned premise of Celestia's ambiguously labeled room of dirty selfies. The character destruction comedy of her flipping out about it.
There are moments when the Rule of Cool coalesces. I do like the little feint of the sun orb; I just wish it didn't feel out of place with the idiot balling required for the plot to work. Overall, I feel a lot like I do when I walk out of an average summer blockbuster movie, where it was full of spectacle and if I'd been able to turn my brain off I might have even enjoyed it, but it was just asking me to overlook too much in the plot department.
Tier: Almost There
Hmmm... So, the fires of friendship were more like the fires of combat...
I'm really not sure what to say about this one, aside from "I liked it." and "Thumbs up."
I'm really not sure what to say about this one, aside from "I liked it." and "Thumbs up."
Interesting concept, and good execution. I liked it, though I agree with the above reviewers that 750 words is a bit short and limited for the concept. Still, you did a good job showing the edges of the tragedy, without describing the exact details. Thumbs up. :)
Okay, the opening was good and, this is very important, made sense. The ending, on the other hand... Deus Ex Machina rescue by sea ponies... could work. But then we get the "You're dead." surprise ending. Which, while it is both a surprise and an ending, is more of a "What the heck?" ending.
Was Bon Bon already dead as she sank to the bottom? She wasn't moving after all.
Is this a last hallucination before she passes on?
Is this the afterlife?
Is this all just a dream or a nightmare?
Who knows? We really need at least a little more clarification in the story, otherwise it's less of an ambiguous ending, and more of a completely open ending. Or worse, not really an ending at all...
Was Bon Bon already dead as she sank to the bottom? She wasn't moving after all.
Is this a last hallucination before she passes on?
Is this the afterlife?
Is this all just a dream or a nightmare?
Who knows? We really need at least a little more clarification in the story, otherwise it's less of an ambiguous ending, and more of a completely open ending. Or worse, not really an ending at all...
I hate to chime in like a broken record, but...yea. I guess I just didn't understand what was going on, myself. There's a seed here, but it needs to be cultivated and clarified to properly bloom.
I thought the stakes were much higher at first - like some giant tournament, nation-wide. Especially with 'gasps filled the room' - what, are D&D both gasping here?
It's a cute fluff piece, mind you - I had fun - but giving more info early on would be good, as well as better setting up Derpy's sudden demolishing of the game.
It's a cute fluff piece, mind you - I had fun - but giving more info early on would be good, as well as better setting up Derpy's sudden demolishing of the game.
I think this raises too many questions here without the requisite hints to answer them. Yea, to quote others - this has too much substance for its word count, currently, and could stand to be expanded. The big part is 'Why does NMM do what she does?' - too dangerous to be locked up makes us think she's going to execute her, and yet Lyra walks? Why?
NMM's actions need to be elucidated upon
NMM's actions need to be elucidated upon
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I think I feel the same way.
Everything is fascinating up until the ending. There it just...tapers off. Find your good ending, author, and you have a great minific.
Tier : Almost there.
I think I feel the same way.
Everything is fascinating up until the ending. There it just...tapers off. Find your good ending, author, and you have a great minific.
Tier : Almost there.
Tell me that stallion you had your eye on, what was her name again?”
Yes, this was amusing. I am assuming it was accidental 'Tia thinks the girl was a boy' but it could go many ways.
Anyhow - fun, fun, fun till the end, which doesn't quite....pop, for lack of a better word. It's a bit predictable, too, the 'Ponies are rabble rabble rabble because Sun Tyrant'.
Not sure what to suggest to fix it - probably some kind of magical hullabaloo or something caused by a heliocentric solar system.
This, uhm - I guess my question is 'Why?'. Like, why is Twilight so stunningly proud of something so entirely useless? Solve that question and you can make your punchline work. Maybe.
But as is, right now it doesn't, I fear! Apologies!
But as is, right now it doesn't, I fear! Apologies!
This has a whimsical fairy tale quality to it, in a nice way. A love story I was afraid would end tragically, so it was nice it seems to end happy. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet.
I did expect Changeling, too, so kinda not surprised by that, but - the ending line? A kick in the gut. I do like >>Baal Bunny on the 'sent to Celestia' idea because it would be hilarious. Do that!
>>Trick_Question >>FanOfMostEverything
One thing I don't see anyone mentioning, and what might be a source of the geographic confusion here, is that it looks like the first soft scene break shifts from reality to inside a dreamscape. The last thing we see is "She felt an empty chill, then all went dark". The description of the temple then talks about sheer cliffs, which would make no sense with NMM's stronghold in the Royal Castle of the Pony Sisters (if this is, as it appears to be, the AU from the S5 time-jumping).
That didn't bug me the same way it did others, but now I'm having a moment of fridge logic as I'm explaining it. How was Lyra being pulled into dream when her disconnection to the dreamscape is such a major plot point?
That twist — and the further twist of NMM's inner doubts — is a really grabby hook. This would make a really intriguing longer story. Evaluated solely on text as written, I think that ending elevates this beyond a mere prologue, though it does feel short on context for Lyra's decision. I mean, there's clearly some sympathy there, but given the context we do have — the dungeoning of all her friends — there's also clearly some cowardice, and while that's an intriguing choice of statements for your ending it's also pretty unsatisfying.
This comes together enough for me to like it, but it's still worth expanding; I'd like to see you dig into the intriguing ideas here with more depth and less wordcount pressure.
Tier: Strong
One thing I don't see anyone mentioning, and what might be a source of the geographic confusion here, is that it looks like the first soft scene break shifts from reality to inside a dreamscape. The last thing we see is "She felt an empty chill, then all went dark". The description of the temple then talks about sheer cliffs, which would make no sense with NMM's stronghold in the Royal Castle of the Pony Sisters (if this is, as it appears to be, the AU from the S5 time-jumping).
That didn't bug me the same way it did others, but now I'm having a moment of fridge logic as I'm explaining it. How was Lyra being pulled into dream when her disconnection to the dreamscape is such a major plot point?
That twist — and the further twist of NMM's inner doubts — is a really grabby hook. This would make a really intriguing longer story. Evaluated solely on text as written, I think that ending elevates this beyond a mere prologue, though it does feel short on context for Lyra's decision. I mean, there's clearly some sympathy there, but given the context we do have — the dungeoning of all her friends — there's also clearly some cowardice, and while that's an intriguing choice of statements for your ending it's also pretty unsatisfying.
This comes together enough for me to like it, but it's still worth expanding; I'd like to see you dig into the intriguing ideas here with more depth and less wordcount pressure.
Tier: Strong
This is the prologue to a larger story, definitely - act 1. Act 2 is the actual journey to the meeting and all the budding dread, Act 3 is the meeting and resolution. Fold this into that larger story and you have a winner. This one ends too soon.
This was cute and amusing and really I have no major comments other than to say it made me smile, and thanks! Adorable fluff. Oh - except yea, Celestia should play a bigger part if you're bringing her into the picture.
I had the same reaction as >>spigo, in that I think your look inside the soldiers' struggle to empty their heads of emotions was a little too effective: given the apparent familiarity of everyone with the concepts involved, the sort of strike team that would be assembled for this sort of elite mission isn't the sort that would still be struggling with the basics of emotional camouflage. Without some lampshading as to why they're sending a completely unprepared team for such a critical mission, I feel like I'm watching the author push the characters around because it's supposed to end in tragedy.
That is a fairly major issue for me, but that's the only real critique I have. You've got a solid and unique concept here, and I feel like the story capitalizes on it, with good use of space and a good balance of exposition and immediacy. The bookending works, and this makes great use of both MLP and the prompt. Please work on making the soldiers feel competent-but-outmatched rather than utterly unprepared; but regardless, this is wandering up toward the top of my slate-plus-one.
Tier: Top Contender
That is a fairly major issue for me, but that's the only real critique I have. You've got a solid and unique concept here, and I feel like the story capitalizes on it, with good use of space and a good balance of exposition and immediacy. The bookending works, and this makes great use of both MLP and the prompt. Please work on making the soldiers feel competent-but-outmatched rather than utterly unprepared; but regardless, this is wandering up toward the top of my slate-plus-one.
Tier: Top Contender
I think my big issue here is, like - why is the military conducting a random Changeling hunt? This story feels at odds with the main ponyverse, and doesn't set up why/how this divergence comes into play, which makes me unable to quite accept the premise/resolution as-is.
>>The_Letter_J
After some further consideration, while I do think knowing the source song makes me a little more favorably inclined to this entry, I don't think it's enough to change my voting. A cross-comparison to the original lyrics shows that there's a lot which is left nearly untouched, making this more of an adaptation than an original work. And while it's a pretty nice adaptation (and clearly enough to dismiss any worries about plagiarism), in a contest context I don't know how much I can credit the current author for the strength of the lines that are similar to the original.
So, uh, I stand by the previous post's review, I guess.
After some further consideration, while I do think knowing the source song makes me a little more favorably inclined to this entry, I don't think it's enough to change my voting. A cross-comparison to the original lyrics shows that there's a lot which is left nearly untouched, making this more of an adaptation than an original work. And while it's a pretty nice adaptation (and clearly enough to dismiss any worries about plagiarism), in a contest context I don't know how much I can credit the current author for the strength of the lines that are similar to the original.
So, uh, I stand by the previous post's review, I guess.
I was expecting Sunhorse, myself, since she'd make sense to show up pre-dawn for a sudden pick-me-up.
I mean, shouldn't Twilight be about to go to bed if up so late?
Other than this nitpick it was full of fun fluffy cotton candy!
I mean, shouldn't Twilight be about to go to bed if up so late?
Other than this nitpick it was full of fun fluffy cotton candy!
>>Morning Sun
I assumed it was from the changeling-ruled AU from the S5 time wibbles, although in hindsight I don't know how much the army structure and equipment squares with that.
I assumed it was from the changeling-ruled AU from the S5 time wibbles, although in hindsight I don't know how much the army structure and equipment squares with that.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Nope. Not you. I got thrown off because I thought I was about to read a lot of gay innuendo.
Instead I got Rugrats. Suffice to say that was a bit of mood whiplash, but overall it was a cute piece with some lingual stumbles - but then, toddlers would do such a thing.
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
Nope. Not you. I got thrown off because I thought I was about to read a lot of gay innuendo.
Instead I got Rugrats. Suffice to say that was a bit of mood whiplash, but overall it was a cute piece with some lingual stumbles - but then, toddlers would do such a thing.
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
Does Equestria not have insurance fraud?
I mean, many LI policies don't pay out in the event of suicide to prevent scenarios exactly like this.
I mean, many LI policies don't pay out in the event of suicide to prevent scenarios exactly like this.
Maybe its because of my last entry, but I just went 'Welp, Dream Matrix, maybe Changelings' and succubus-pony is close enough. Odd tale. Definitely needs a little more resolution, but the rest feels mostly solid. I do agree - cut the blue -> red part early on, that gives the game away too soon.
This made me think:
Of my all dialogue chicken story from the last original minific contest, actually. 'Cause it's, y'know, the complete opposite.
But "no dialogue" stories are every bit as hard to pull off, I find. Maybe a compromise: give us Celestia's thoughts as well as the actual words she speaks out loud?
Mike
Of my all dialogue chicken story from the last original minific contest, actually. 'Cause it's, y'know, the complete opposite.
But "no dialogue" stories are every bit as hard to pull off, I find. Maybe a compromise: give us Celestia's thoughts as well as the actual words she speaks out loud?
Mike
Hey, you know something we haven't done in a while?
WRITEOFF MASH-UPS
In Over Your Head edition
Might as well get us started ...
Soggy Interrogation, 3:57 AM: After Shining Armor misses their reading date for the second time in a row, Twilight resorts to waterboarding.
Temporis Aviary: Starlight finds Twilight in her basement, working on an ultrasound amplifier to drive Ponyville's plague of pigeons away. Twilight's a little too proud of having amplified output to 100% of input.
Just A Simple Skirmish: After a close call with Twilight almost finding her secret stash, Celestia hires humans to guard it. Twilight never had a chance.
Everypony Battles Existential Sad At Sunrise: Starlight Glimmer is sad. She can't live up to Twilight Sparkle's friendship standards. Well, she couldn't, anyway, until she realized that no Twilight means no crisis of doubt. Problem solved!
Testing the Threads: Twilight casts a spell to reveal everyone's feelings toward each other, only to discover that Rainbow Dash has no idea how to feel about anyone she knows, and has been faking friendship all this time by being awesome at ponies.
WRITEOFF MASH-UPS
In Over Your Head edition
Might as well get us started ...
Soggy Interrogation, 3:57 AM: After Shining Armor misses their reading date for the second time in a row, Twilight resorts to waterboarding.
Temporis Aviary: Starlight finds Twilight in her basement, working on an ultrasound amplifier to drive Ponyville's plague of pigeons away. Twilight's a little too proud of having amplified output to 100% of input.
Just A Simple Skirmish: After a close call with Twilight almost finding her secret stash, Celestia hires humans to guard it. Twilight never had a chance.
Everypony Battles Existential Sad At Sunrise: Starlight Glimmer is sad. She can't live up to Twilight Sparkle's friendship standards. Well, she couldn't, anyway, until she realized that no Twilight means no crisis of doubt. Problem solved!
Testing the Threads: Twilight casts a spell to reveal everyone's feelings toward each other, only to discover that Rainbow Dash has no idea how to feel about anyone she knows, and has been faking friendship all this time by being awesome at ponies.
Georg’s first Round Micro Reviews for In Over Your Head: Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization mushed together, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. I have them ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.) It’s the last minute, so I better get started, and grade harder than I normally do.
E - Starlight Glimmer Battles Existential Dread at Sunrise - A+ - Nice escalation, good but not great hook. Still, top tier. Wonderful descriptions, smooth flow. I don’t have anything to ding on it other than *right* at the end where Celestia says sometimes life is worth it. I would think this is one statement Celestia would not qualify, particularly when trying to hammer a point into a reluctant Starlight.
E - How To Be Second-Rate — A+ — Actually, I would refer to Ponies of Outrageous Talents as POOTs, but I’m silly. Amazing job of capturing personalities in little vignettes. Top tier. All we’re missing is Princess Luna, wangsting about how after a thousand years of absence, all her sister wants to talk about is this amazing unicorn student of hers...
E - The Lighthouse and the Sea - A+ - We have another finalist here. Good from the hook to the tail. (sorry) Only possible ding is Turquoise.
E - Where in Equestria is Carmen Sandiego - A+ - Simple but effective introduction, setting the scene, location and time without a lot of wasted hand-waving. Good. (snerk! Game cartridges. Nice one.) Well done within the boundaries set and quite tight. Top tier.
Once, I Had Wings - A — I’m a sucker for melodrama. Beautiful word porn with no real underlying plot is fine, I just felt a little lost after getting done reading it. If there *is* a plot buried in the interplay, I missed it solidly. (checks reviews) TD caught it, and I *should* have because I’m working on a pony-ish story that reflects back on Huck Fin, and in it, the river represents freedom. In this, flight represents freedom. If so, a suggestion: have Celestia stop flying after Luna is banished, actually come out and say why Spike doesn’t fly with Twilight, and imply something about Twilight’s wings allowing her to spread friendship across Equestria instead of just being limited to Ponyville.
Under The Bed - A - Disturbing on a deeper level than a mere horror story. Nice touch with the descriptions and managing to get all of the M6 screen time without feeling forced. Having Fluttershy do the story is a masterful stroke, and merging with the recent episode. High marks.
Just a Simple Book Run - B+ - A few little grammar errors, but interesting, and holds interest through the story. Didn’t really fascinate me, though. Love the concept of Celestia and Luna able to outsmart Twilight, since it *is* their own library, after all, and Twi ‘shopping’ for her own collection. I can see her at the Crystal Empire Library now, saying, “Cadence won’t miss this thirty-seven volume collection of history, will she?”
The Dragon Prince - B+ — A quality plot, touching and straightforward, even if it’s slightly telly (which I’ll blame on the word limit) The impact is weakened because of that, leaving a melancholy story without the impact you should get by bringing the POV focus closer to the character, which could be done by actually eliminating Twilight from a speaking role and having all of his dialogue be internal. The more the reader is ‘inside’ the POV character, the stronger their reaction should be to events.
Mt. Maud - B+ - Feels like a snip out of a much larger story. Written *very* well, but has no real resolution. It *could* get a short tail that would complete it within the word limits if you use creative breaks, as this:
Twilight looked up at the growing earth pony as Maud’s head broke through the ceiling. “No, I’m not going to write to Princess Celestia, Spike. I can fix this myself.”
* * *
Spike sat down in the grass with a sheet of parchment. “Dear Princess Celestia,” he started.
“No, Spike!” Twilight pulled the scroll out of Spike’s grasp and looked up at Maud, who now towered over her castle. “I can still fix this.”
* * *
“Now?” asked Spike, considering the hoof dwarfing the wrecked Castle of Friendship and the cloud cover in which the leg attached to it vanished. “I don’t think Rainbow can find enough clouds to keep her covered any more.”
“Well…” Twilight took a guilty glance at the distant city of Canterlot, which Maud would be able to touch with her nose fairly soon. “I suppose so.” (137 words)
Twilight looked up at the growing earth pony as Maud’s head broke through the ceiling. “No, I’m not going to write to Princess Celestia, Spike. I can fix this myself.”
* * *
Spike sat down in the grass with a sheet of parchment. “Dear Princess Celestia,” he started.
“No, Spike!” Twilight pulled the scroll out of Spike’s grasp and looked up at Maud, who now towered over her castle. “I can still fix this.”
* * *
“Now?” asked Spike, considering the hoof dwarfing the wrecked Castle of Friendship and the cloud cover in which the leg attached to it vanished. “I don’t think Rainbow can find enough clouds to keep her covered any more.”
“Well…” Twilight took a guilty glance at the distant city of Canterlot, which Maud would be able to touch with her nose fairly soon. “I suppose so.” (137 words)
Twelve Steps in Tartarus - B - Starts with good descriptions but poor passive voice. I’m torn. Actually writing out the ‘knocks’ is a bit of a ding too, but one I’m guilty of. The ending telegraphs forward about half-way through, which *could* be used intentionally for drama, but it really seems to fall flat. Nice work on the villains, though.
A Most Dastardly Foe - B - First sin, 1,000 instead of spelling it out. Building the stress in the story went only part-way, because there was no give and take, just give. That gave the story no compelling thread to follow, or progression, much like watching a tennis match with only one side serving and the other not doing anything.
Almost As You Left It - B- - Okay, first two sentences right off the bat are confusing and need fixed. There’s a lot of that, like referring to a stallion as ‘her’ and the rather abrupt beginning which does not ‘set the scene’ at all before dropping the three characters into it. A for concept, C for implementation, and looking forward to seeing this cleaned up and expanded.
Soggy Muffins — B- — A little clumsy with the dialogue and action at the beginning, giving a bit of a stutter to the story. Fairly good hook, but the colors of the ponies were forced, and your POV shuffles back and forth. Keep working on it.
One Night Stand - B- - Not bad descriptions and good grammar, but clumsy as heck. Nothing seems to flow together and the sexual innuendo and references are dropped with all of the delicacy of an anvil.
Temporis Viator - C+ - Not bad, just not good. There’s no unifying plot other than the Thing In The Basement, and the characters just seem to wander around until the reveal. Still, the descriptions are fairly good, even though there are some weirdities with the way they are done, such as a seven-inch diameter ring being able to pass a pony.
Testing The Limits — C+ — Aside from formatting issues and the need for a break where you have the time skip, the WTF comment is unattributed, the whole thing is horribly short on description. Seriously, people. There’s lots more space to write.
Rainbow Dash and Her Secret Place - Special mention. Really, with this audience, I would think the author would be a little more careful about how RD and her (ahem) little sister act in a quiet place away from prying eyes. To implement BB’s suggestion, switching the last two lines of dialogue from RD to Scoots would help dampen that pedo vibe, as well as giving RD a final line of dialogue at the very end to the effect of being a good role model for her little sis.
The entrance being too small for the sphinx to get out makes sense.
Daring Do having access to heavy explosives also makes sense.
Just saying, author.
Just saying.
Daring Do having access to heavy explosives also makes sense.
Just saying, author.
Just saying.
>>georg
And Twilight doing the same about Celestia.
And Rainbow Dash doing a piece titled 'You Will Never Be Me' about how, well - it's Rainbow Dash. You can figure it out from there.
And Twilight doing the same about Celestia.
And Rainbow Dash doing a piece titled 'You Will Never Be Me' about how, well - it's Rainbow Dash. You can figure it out from there.
I thought myself that it was Luna - Celestia, with it strained because, well, seeing everything has strained the sisters.
Luna blaming Twilight works too. It's ambiguous.
Luna blaming Twilight works too. It's ambiguous.
Well, well, the lyrics here are both great (I mean, intimating on “Bats” was a good idea) and dumb. But 99% of all lyrics are, so I cannot really hold you a grudge for this. I mean, it’s the combination of lyrics with background music that makes a song a smash hit.
Problem is, since I've never heard the original song, I've no tune to associate with it, and it sounds quite hollow.
But commendation for having chosen an entertaining EqG setup. The last part was nice.
Problem is, since I've never heard the original song, I've no tune to associate with it, and it sounds quite hollow.
But commendation for having chosen an entertaining EqG setup. The last part was nice.
Some run-on sentences: Twilight Velvet looked up from where she was adjusting the lectern in front of the drapes over the picture window, and did a double-take. That’s really much information packed into a single sentence.
He was finally coaxed onto the sofa, where Cadance sprawled across him with a goofy grin, and Night Light and Twilight Velvet exchanged knowing smiles before taking their own seats and lowering the room lights. Comma splice. You should get rid of the ‘and’ before Night Light and use a full stop instead.
The story is really sweet, I simply don’t expect filly Twilight to be familiar with ‘peer reviewing’. On the other hand, drawing from the ‘filly Twilight’ trope, you didn’t really put your neck on the line. Well done, though.
If Bookplayer was still among us, she would be my primary bet on that one.
He was finally coaxed onto the sofa, where Cadance sprawled across him with a goofy grin, and Night Light and Twilight Velvet exchanged knowing smiles before taking their own seats and lowering the room lights. Comma splice. You should get rid of the ‘and’ before Night Light and use a full stop instead.
The story is really sweet, I simply don’t expect filly Twilight to be familiar with ‘peer reviewing’. On the other hand, drawing from the ‘filly Twilight’ trope, you didn’t really put your neck on the line. Well done, though.
If Bookplayer was still among us, she would be my primary bet on that one.
There are some gems here :P especially the telescope thing. The fic is nicely written despite some typos here and there.
On the other hand, I don’t really agree with your portrayal of Torch. He seems to me much too clever w/r to the way he’s depicted in the show. I wouldn't expect him to be so perceptive.
But overall, that’s a nice piece, even though it came across to me as an indirect way to mention Celestia’s legendary wit and political skill.
And I agree with the other reviewers: you must write a follow-up.
On the other hand, I don’t really agree with your portrayal of Torch. He seems to me much too clever w/r to the way he’s depicted in the show. I wouldn't expect him to be so perceptive.
But overall, that’s a nice piece, even though it came across to me as an indirect way to mention Celestia’s legendary wit and political skill.
And I agree with the other reviewers: you must write a follow-up.
>>horizon
Threads Over Your In: Twilight should really just stop casting spells for a while.
I'm Sure You Have Some Astronomy Questions: Twilight finds the perfect way to answer Spike's question through her friends' antics. Spike regrets everything.
Applejack Tries to Use Clockwork: ...and discovers that the Fonzie Method doesn't work well on delicate crystalline structures.
The New Errata of Sweet Apple Acres: The Apple siblings try to move on with their lives after their grandmother sacrifices herself to kill Tirek.
I Don't Do Her Royal Coffee With a Thany-Mendored Spling: We've replaced Twilight Sparkle's usual barista/coltfriend with Discord chaos crystals. Let's see if she notices the difference.
Threads Over Your In: Twilight should really just stop casting spells for a while.
I'm Sure You Have Some Astronomy Questions: Twilight finds the perfect way to answer Spike's question through her friends' antics. Spike regrets everything.
Applejack Tries to Use Clockwork: ...and discovers that the Fonzie Method doesn't work well on delicate crystalline structures.
The New Errata of Sweet Apple Acres: The Apple siblings try to move on with their lives after their grandmother sacrifices herself to kill Tirek.
I Don't Do Her Royal Coffee With a Thany-Mendored Spling: We've replaced Twilight Sparkle's usual barista/coltfriend with Discord chaos crystals. Let's see if she notices the difference.
Since I've otherwise crashed the comments section here without adding value:
Right now I don't think there's enough context to the story for it to quite stand on its own. Notably, it seems to lack clear details about the nature of Scoots & Dash's relationship, other than an allusion to their recently becoming sisters. Was that through formal adoption or a more ad-hoc type thing? This becomes still harder to pin down at the end, where I'll echo >>georg's thoughts about tweaks that would keep the tone more consistent.
I also found Applejack's lines to read very much like something an OTT Looney Tunes-type character would say, which feels off for her character, though I suspect may be an intentional reference. This decreased my overall enjoyment of the story quite a bit, because it creates more tonal ambiguity; what seems like this peaceful moment between the pegasi may actually be motivated by Dash wanting to hide from AJ for some unknown reason. That could be played for laughs, but right now the piece as a whole is pulling more toward cuteness and feels. (I think?)
In summary: I don't know what this is meant to make me feel, and I find it hard to connect with with it on the basis of the various things it does make me feel. However, I think this could clean up well by maintaining a sharper focus. Because it does manage to be emotionally evocative throughout, which is definitely a positive quality.
Tier: Not on my slate, but would have been "Needs Work"
(Also, >>Trick_Question, that song's been stuck in my head for the last day and a half now. It's catchy as all get-out. Fie upon thee!)
Right now I don't think there's enough context to the story for it to quite stand on its own. Notably, it seems to lack clear details about the nature of Scoots & Dash's relationship, other than an allusion to their recently becoming sisters. Was that through formal adoption or a more ad-hoc type thing? This becomes still harder to pin down at the end, where I'll echo >>georg's thoughts about tweaks that would keep the tone more consistent.
I also found Applejack's lines to read very much like something an OTT Looney Tunes-type character would say, which feels off for her character, though I suspect may be an intentional reference. This decreased my overall enjoyment of the story quite a bit, because it creates more tonal ambiguity; what seems like this peaceful moment between the pegasi may actually be motivated by Dash wanting to hide from AJ for some unknown reason. That could be played for laughs, but right now the piece as a whole is pulling more toward cuteness and feels. (I think?)
In summary: I don't know what this is meant to make me feel, and I find it hard to connect with with it on the basis of the various things it does make me feel. However, I think this could clean up well by maintaining a sharper focus. Because it does manage to be emotionally evocative throughout, which is definitely a positive quality.
Tier: Not on my slate, but would have been "Needs Work"
(Also, >>Trick_Question, that song's been stuck in my head for the last day and a half now. It's catchy as all get-out. Fie upon thee!)
>>FanOfMostEverything
He shouldn't have asked her to explain the three-body problem.
I'm Sure You Have Some Astronomy Questions: Twilight finds the perfect way to answer Spike's question through her friends' antics. Spike regrets everything.
He shouldn't have asked her to explain the three-body problem.
I’m not sure what “reality shattered” is supposed to mean, but if you’re simply being evocative, I actually thought it was just fine. I didn’t take literally; just it FELT like it to her as the spell went off.
I thought this was okay but it didn’t really go anywhere or even explain how she wound up in this situation in the first place. An infinite recursion of time is a trope; this didn’t really go beyond it.
Nothing wrong with this sort of thing as the premise for a story – it is a rich premise – but there needs to be more than just the time recursion, as we’ve all seen that before.
I thought this was okay but it didn’t really go anywhere or even explain how she wound up in this situation in the first place. An infinite recursion of time is a trope; this didn’t really go beyond it.
Nothing wrong with this sort of thing as the premise for a story – it is a rich premise – but there needs to be more than just the time recursion, as we’ve all seen that before.
I apologise to those who read this story.
This story is an adaptation of a comics called Leonard which you can find all relevant information on following the given link. The strip adapted here is literally this, Leonard’s disciple inventing a machine to travel into the present (the disciple is presumed to be really dumb). Well, okay, this is a form of absurd humour I do like, but it seems I’m the only one. :P To be straight-up I read this several years ago, but it still endures in my memory, probably because it is a sort of parody of all the time machine stories.
I threw into that frame one of my favourite headcanon character, mad science Twilight (being the master and Starlight being her disciple). I didn’t come up with many ideas for this prompt, or maybe it has to do with an increasing inability to write about ponies, but it turned out all that I could find to write about this time where whacko ideas, toeing the trollfic line.
Unsurprisingly, this one came across as totally random of course.
>>horizon
Okay, there was a few bloopers around. The most egregious one is that ‘six inches’ instead of ‘six feet’. No, Horizon, this has nothing to do with me confusing between diameter and thickness, but rather being totally unfamiliar with your f*** units system :P So, you’ll say, why didn’t you write ‘a two-meter diameter ring’? Because using the metric system is like a signature. The moment you read ‘two-meter’ you know I’ve authored the fic: so much for the anonymity. No one in the anglo-saxon world would write this, at least outside a scientific article. But inches and feet are so alien to me I didn’t even twitch when I proofread that text twice.
Also Horizon, thanks for mashing up my two stories. Did you guess they both were mine, or was it mere coincidence?
>>FanOfMostEverything
Apologies accepted, captain FoME… :P
Seriously, no offense taken, and you were right. But if you want me to forget about it ( :) ), then please tell me where you spotted the awkward constructions.
>>Trick_Question
You’re far too lenient Trick :heart:
>>Mordred
>>Morning Sun
>>georg
Yeah, that piece was dreck. Disposable. It’s like a bad pun: you know it’s bad, but you still do not resist the temptation of piping it out. Thanks Georg for finding it mid-range.
This story is an adaptation of a comics called Leonard which you can find all relevant information on following the given link. The strip adapted here is literally this, Leonard’s disciple inventing a machine to travel into the present (the disciple is presumed to be really dumb). Well, okay, this is a form of absurd humour I do like, but it seems I’m the only one. :P To be straight-up I read this several years ago, but it still endures in my memory, probably because it is a sort of parody of all the time machine stories.
I threw into that frame one of my favourite headcanon character, mad science Twilight (being the master and Starlight being her disciple). I didn’t come up with many ideas for this prompt, or maybe it has to do with an increasing inability to write about ponies, but it turned out all that I could find to write about this time where whacko ideas, toeing the trollfic line.
Unsurprisingly, this one came across as totally random of course.
>>horizon
Okay, there was a few bloopers around. The most egregious one is that ‘six inches’ instead of ‘six feet’. No, Horizon, this has nothing to do with me confusing between diameter and thickness, but rather being totally unfamiliar with your f*** units system :P So, you’ll say, why didn’t you write ‘a two-meter diameter ring’? Because using the metric system is like a signature. The moment you read ‘two-meter’ you know I’ve authored the fic: so much for the anonymity. No one in the anglo-saxon world would write this, at least outside a scientific article. But inches and feet are so alien to me I didn’t even twitch when I proofread that text twice.
Also Horizon, thanks for mashing up my two stories. Did you guess they both were mine, or was it mere coincidence?
>>FanOfMostEverything
Apologies accepted, captain FoME… :P
Seriously, no offense taken, and you were right. But if you want me to forget about it ( :) ), then please tell me where you spotted the awkward constructions.
>>Trick_Question
You’re far too lenient Trick :heart:
>>Mordred
>>Morning Sun
>>georg
Yeah, that piece was dreck. Disposable. It’s like a bad pun: you know it’s bad, but you still do not resist the temptation of piping it out. Thanks Georg for finding it mid-range.
Aviary
Thanks to all reviewers and all those who’ve put up with this piece.
This (shitty) idea came to me watching Paris’s sidewalks covered with pigeon poop (besides garbage collectors are on strike too). I imagined the same happening in Ponyville. There was not much besides this premise, except that I saw a long time ago a report on the French TV explaining how some airports get rid of song birds (that may clog into planes’ reactors at takeoff) using birds of prey. That inspired me the last part.
>>FanOfMostEverything (FoME)
Well, as far as I remember, there are no trees in downtown Ponyville except Twilight’s former library. I may be wrong, but I think I’m not. And there’s no indication on how close Sweet Apple Acres is from downtown Ponyville. Pigeons tend to be pretty urban birds, feeding on crumbs and other refuse.
Welp! Unicorns can’t teleport? I thought it was fairly standard in the quiver of spells they share.
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>horizon
Thanks for not disliking this story too much :heart:
See below for the triptych.
>>PinoyPony
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
This story really toyed with being a trollfic. I’ll try to change some minor things, and I have an idea to insert after Twilight’s failed attempt to make the text outstrip the 1,000 words and publish it on FimFic: During the night, Pinkie Pie bakes biscuits, smashes them into crumbs and makes a trail that leads to the Everfree forest. The next morning, the pigeons follow the trail, they stay away from Ponyville for a day or two, but then they’re back, with leads to Fluttershy’s final solution.
Thanks to all reviewers and all those who’ve put up with this piece.
This (shitty) idea came to me watching Paris’s sidewalks covered with pigeon poop (besides garbage collectors are on strike too). I imagined the same happening in Ponyville. There was not much besides this premise, except that I saw a long time ago a report on the French TV explaining how some airports get rid of song birds (that may clog into planes’ reactors at takeoff) using birds of prey. That inspired me the last part.
>>FanOfMostEverything (FoME)
Well, as far as I remember, there are no trees in downtown Ponyville except Twilight’s former library. I may be wrong, but I think I’m not. And there’s no indication on how close Sweet Apple Acres is from downtown Ponyville. Pigeons tend to be pretty urban birds, feeding on crumbs and other refuse.
Welp! Unicorns can’t teleport? I thought it was fairly standard in the quiver of spells they share.
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>horizon
Thanks for not disliking this story too much :heart:
See below for the triptych.
>>PinoyPony
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
This story really toyed with being a trollfic. I’ll try to change some minor things, and I have an idea to insert after Twilight’s failed attempt to make the text outstrip the 1,000 words and publish it on FimFic: During the night, Pinkie Pie bakes biscuits, smashes them into crumbs and makes a trail that leads to the Everfree forest. The next morning, the pigeons follow the trail, they stay away from Ponyville for a day or two, but then they’re back, with leads to Fluttershy’s final solution.
The biggest problem with this story is that something happened, but I don't know why it mattered. Conflict isn't just about having some sort of problem, it requires context. Maud kept growing, but without a greater context for why this was important, I don't really know why I am supposed to care.
Sorry, I read this right before the deadline, so hadn't yet posted a review.
I'm not really quite sure what you were going for in this scene - it didn't really seem to have much of a greater purpose. There's some sort of capture the flag thing going on between humans and ponies, but absent a larger context, this didn't really seem to really go anywhere.
I'm not really quite sure what you were going for in this scene - it didn't really seem to have much of a greater purpose. There's some sort of capture the flag thing going on between humans and ponies, but absent a larger context, this didn't really seem to really go anywhere.
This was a bit gross, but also mildly cute I guess. Cuteness and gross-out humor aren't really the best combination, but this was at least mildly amusing, particularly Rainbow Dash steeling herself at the end combined with the aftermath.
That being said, it didn't really light my fires, either; it was a silly little scene, nothing more, nothing less.
Poor Rainbow Dash.
That being said, it didn't really light my fires, either; it was a silly little scene, nothing more, nothing less.
Poor Rainbow Dash.
Does Anyone Else Have A Sibling They Want to Tell Us About? - In retrospect
This story didn't quite land, and I'm not really surprised; it was the last idea I had, and wasn't anything particularly fresh - this joke has been done every time a new family member has been introduced.
Unfortunately, >>Haze (and everyone else) is probably right - too much of the story is the characters going through the list of siblings, which is information that the audience already knows, which makes the start slow-paced, and so by the time we get to the punchline, the audience may well already be skipping. The setup needed to be funnier, but it also needed to be shorter, and I'm not quite sure how to accomplish this.
Also, given how many people asked whose sibling Winking Star was, I obviously did a bad job with that. I thought the "Twilight's sister" thing in the final line would be enough, but...
>>Trick_Question
It was just Rainbow Dash making a crude comment/joke at Twilight's expense. "This character is straight!" isn't a punchline, really, doubly so when she probably is, statistically speaking (not that that stops me from shipping her). I don't think she's ever canonically called anyone hot or anything else, but if anyone was going to do it, it would probably be Rainbow Dash - it is certainly not uncommon in fanon (Rarity would use much more flowery language, and wouldn't be so crude as to say it about Shining Armor).
>>Not_Worthy2 >>CoffeeMinion >>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
>>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny >>georg
Wow, next to last place. Can't say I'm surprised, though; I've never tried a story like this one before, and more or less threw it out there to give my brain room to think up something better. But it's not a bad experience by any means, as I now have some solid criticism to look at should I ever decide to try something like this again.
I like to think of myself as a multi-genre author. Sometimes, that step into the unexplored path ends up being a slip, trip and bone-breaking fall. I'll just pick myself up, brush off the dust, set the leg and try again.
I'm not out of it yet, though! I've got one more story out there, and its fate has yet to be determined.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Trick_Question
>>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny >>georg
Wow, next to last place. Can't say I'm surprised, though; I've never tried a story like this one before, and more or less threw it out there to give my brain room to think up something better. But it's not a bad experience by any means, as I now have some solid criticism to look at should I ever decide to try something like this again.
I like to think of myself as a multi-genre author. Sometimes, that step into the unexplored path ends up being a slip, trip and bone-breaking fall. I'll just pick myself up, brush off the dust, set the leg and try again.
I'm not out of it yet, though! I've got one more story out there, and its fate has yet to be determined.
>>PaulAsaran
You (probably) didn't actually get next-to-last place. The actual results don't come out until after finals are over. Right now, they're just in the order they were randomly assigned for the gallery.
You (probably) didn't actually get next-to-last place. The actual results don't come out until after finals are over. Right now, they're just in the order they were randomly assigned for the gallery.
This is curious. I've read three stories from my finalist set so far, and each one of them was vastly better than anything I read in my original set. It's making me think I just got a weak group on the first go.
>>Icenrose
It's a little too obscure, I think. Clever is fine but I have to be able to get the meaning. :V
It's a little too obscure, I think. Clever is fine but I have to be able to get the meaning. :V
>>Morning Sun
I have to disagree. I think the horror aspect of it is necessary for the last line to reframe why Spike is crying.
I have to disagree. I think the horror aspect of it is necessary for the last line to reframe why Spike is crying.
>>Morning Sun
You say that about every story. You would say that about Cupcakes. :derpytongue2:
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
You say that about every story. You would say that about Cupcakes. :derpytongue2:
>>georg
That presupposes the vibe wasn't intentional, and I'm not convinced of that. There are other nonsexual shipping-related themes in the story.
That presupposes the vibe wasn't intentional, and I'm not convinced of that. There are other nonsexual shipping-related themes in the story.
>>Monokeras
Don't. It's insulting to those of us who enjoyed it.
I apologise to those who read this story.
Don't. It's insulting to those of us who enjoyed it.
>>PaulAsaran
It happens. :twilightsmile:
Reviewing every entry is a bitch but that's the big upside: you don't miss the best stories. Sometimes if I can't do the entire lot I'll try to do all the finalists at least.
It happens. :twilightsmile:
Reviewing every entry is a bitch but that's the big upside: you don't miss the best stories. Sometimes if I can't do the entire lot I'll try to do all the finalists at least.
Over Their Heads (Apple Farm) - Retrospective
"Let's see...I tried writing a crossover with MasterChef, and that had issues because almost no one here watches that show, and I tried writing a story that referrenced current events, and that didn't work because no one knew what I was talking about...I know, I'll write a story based on a parody of a triple platinum pop song that hit the top ten in the US (and apparently did pretty well in other countries too) and was being played on the radio all the time several years ago. That can't possibly go wrong."
Yeah. Someday I'll learn to stop overestimating the writeoff's ability to understand references like these.
</rant>
I already talked a bit about this story in my fake review (which I honestly mostly wrote to help you all figure out the song) over here: >>The_Letter_J
Like I said there, I really should have included a link to the song. I thought the song would be recognizable enough without it, but clearly that didn't happen.
The second part was thrown in just because the song is only about 350 words long. I needed some padding, and that was the best option I could come up with. So I just threw it on at the end in a few minutes. So if that part seemed weaker or less thought-out, that's why.
I never actually gave much thought to whatever is connecting EqG-Fluttershy to Flutterbat and the implications of that until people mentioned it in their reviews. There is some potential there, and should I ever do anything else with this story, I will probably focus on it more.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I was kind of hoping that you would live up to your username and recognize the song. If anyone was going to, I would have expected it to be you.
>>horizon
Thanks. As you might have noticed, I enjoy using the writeoffs to experiment.
>>horizon
I intentionally left several lines similar to help people recognize the source material (not that it helped), but I think that saying a lot was nearly untouched is a bit unfair.
He said in a fanfiction contest. ;p
You are, of course, free to have whatever opinions you want and to vote however you please, but I feel like you are being a bit unfair to me. Yes, some bits are similar. But I changed the parts around those bits, and in doing so, I gave them new context and new meaning. The similarities, in my opinion, just serve to highlight the differences.
If it helps, you can think of this as a crossover of sorts.
And that's really all I've got in the way of replies to comments. The rest of your comments basically either come down to "I should have linked you to the song in the story" and/or just focused on the scene at the end, which I addressed above and was by far the least important part of this story to me. Thanks for reading this anyway.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
And in case anyone is curious, let me tell you where this story came from.
Every time I tried to think about the prompt, the original song came to me and would not leave my head. Since this left me completely incapable of coming up with any other ideas, I had to go with this one.
The first thing I thought of was that if I made the story about Fluttershy, I could change the name of the band from "The Fray" to "The Afraid," so clearly I had to do that. My first idea for the song was to make it about Fluttershy's struggles to do everything she's had to do as bearer of the Element of Kindness, and how she's over her head in all these responsibilities.
Then I was trying to think of a good phrase to replace "cable car" in the title and the song, and I wanted it to be something that (at least sort of) rhymed with "cable car" to help keep things recognizably similar. And the first possibility I thought of was "apple farm."
So I was left with a song about Fluttershy involving an apple farm. And when you're combining those two things, it's hard not to jump to Flutterbat. After that, it was just a matter of coming up with new lyrics that made sense.
"Let's see...I tried writing a crossover with MasterChef, and that had issues because almost no one here watches that show, and I tried writing a story that referrenced current events, and that didn't work because no one knew what I was talking about...I know, I'll write a story based on a parody of a triple platinum pop song that hit the top ten in the US (and apparently did pretty well in other countries too) and was being played on the radio all the time several years ago. That can't possibly go wrong."
Yeah. Someday I'll learn to stop overestimating the writeoff's ability to understand references like these.
</rant>
I already talked a bit about this story in my fake review (which I honestly mostly wrote to help you all figure out the song) over here: >>The_Letter_J
Like I said there, I really should have included a link to the song. I thought the song would be recognizable enough without it, but clearly that didn't happen.
The second part was thrown in just because the song is only about 350 words long. I needed some padding, and that was the best option I could come up with. So I just threw it on at the end in a few minutes. So if that part seemed weaker or less thought-out, that's why.
I never actually gave much thought to whatever is connecting EqG-Fluttershy to Flutterbat and the implications of that until people mentioned it in their reviews. There is some potential there, and should I ever do anything else with this story, I will probably focus on it more.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I was kind of hoping that you would live up to your username and recognize the song. If anyone was going to, I would have expected it to be you.
>>horizon
I'm always in favor of genre and form experimentation, and experimental pieces in Writeoffs more generally. But the nature of experiments is that a lot of times they're going to fail -- they'd hardly be "experiments" if they didn't. This one feels like a miss, but I commend you on pushing the envelope.
Thanks. As you might have noticed, I enjoy using the writeoffs to experiment.
>>horizon
A cross-comparison to the original lyrics shows that there's a lot which is left nearly untouched,
I intentionally left several lines similar to help people recognize the source material (not that it helped), but I think that saying a lot was nearly untouched is a bit unfair.
making this more of an adaptation than an original work.
He said in a fanfiction contest. ;p
And while it's a pretty nice adaptation (and clearly enough to dismiss any worries about plagiarism), in a contest context I don't know how much I can credit the current author for the strength of the lines that are similar to the original.
You are, of course, free to have whatever opinions you want and to vote however you please, but I feel like you are being a bit unfair to me. Yes, some bits are similar. But I changed the parts around those bits, and in doing so, I gave them new context and new meaning. The similarities, in my opinion, just serve to highlight the differences.
If it helps, you can think of this as a crossover of sorts.
And that's really all I've got in the way of replies to comments. The rest of your comments basically either come down to "I should have linked you to the song in the story" and/or just focused on the scene at the end, which I addressed above and was by far the least important part of this story to me. Thanks for reading this anyway.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
And in case anyone is curious, let me tell you where this story came from.
Every time I tried to think about the prompt, the original song came to me and would not leave my head. Since this left me completely incapable of coming up with any other ideas, I had to go with this one.
The first thing I thought of was that if I made the story about Fluttershy, I could change the name of the band from "The Fray" to "The Afraid," so clearly I had to do that. My first idea for the song was to make it about Fluttershy's struggles to do everything she's had to do as bearer of the Element of Kindness, and how she's over her head in all these responsibilities.
Then I was trying to think of a good phrase to replace "cable car" in the title and the song, and I wanted it to be something that (at least sort of) rhymed with "cable car" to help keep things recognizably similar. And the first possibility I thought of was "apple farm."
So I was left with a song about Fluttershy involving an apple farm. And when you're combining those two things, it's hard not to jump to Flutterbat. After that, it was just a matter of coming up with new lyrics that made sense.
Retirement (Retrospective)
I know what I did wrong. Yay!
This was a last-minute entry in every sense of the word. I didn't think I was going to complete a second entry, but I had this one in mind and I started writing and rushed it in and edited it up until a few minutes past the bell.
Obviously the ambiguity is the problem, but it wasn't intentional: I just didn't have any time to finish my story. The intent is that it ends up being a love-survives-death story.
I plan to release this one pretty soon (as a minific on FF), and I think most of you will like the final product.
Thanks for your reviews!>>spigo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>The_Letter_J >>Monokeras >>Haze >>TheCyanRecluse
I know what I did wrong. Yay!
This was a last-minute entry in every sense of the word. I didn't think I was going to complete a second entry, but I had this one in mind and I started writing and rushed it in and edited it up until a few minutes past the bell.
Obviously the ambiguity is the problem, but it wasn't intentional: I just didn't have any time to finish my story. The intent is that it ends up being a love-survives-death story.
I plan to release this one pretty soon (as a minific on FF), and I think most of you will like the final product.
Thanks for your reviews!>>spigo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>The_Letter_J >>Monokeras >>Haze >>TheCyanRecluse
>>Icenrose
I only know because it was in one of the first two or three comic books. "When in Roan..." I think with respect to trying to pretend to be changelings.
I only know because it was in one of the first two or three comic books. "When in Roan..." I think with respect to trying to pretend to be changelings.
>>PaulAsaran
Also there's no way in hell that got next-to-last place. The quality of the writing was excellent, it just felt (to me) like the story was a little flat.
Also there's no way in hell that got next-to-last place. The quality of the writing was excellent, it just felt (to me) like the story was a little flat.
Post by
Oroboro
, deleted
>>The_Letter_J
For what it's worth, I would have read the hell out of a MLP/MasterChef crossover this time around. That was great. :michelinstarpinkie:
For what it's worth, I would have read the hell out of a MLP/MasterChef crossover this time around. That was great. :michelinstarpinkie:
>>The_Letter_J
Sadly, music is one of my weaker areas of expertise. Little of what I listen to was made after I was born, and most of that is either soundtracks or Weird Al.
There's a reason I call myself Fan of Most Everything.
Sadly, music is one of my weaker areas of expertise. Little of what I listen to was made after I was born, and most of that is either soundtracks or Weird Al.
There's a reason I call myself Fan of Most Everything.