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Retirement
Lyra Heartstrings twisted the jet ski's throttle with her forehoof and banked to port, barely dodging the last crossbow bolt. She was gaining on the motorboat in front of her, but the bad guys weren't making things easy.
"You filthy bastards let go of my wife!" she shouted.
The two earth ponies in the boat looked at one another and nodded. The pilot made a sharp starboard turn as the other dropped the crossbow and picked up Bon Bon's body, firmly bound and gagged.
"The hell is that?" Lyra said when she saw the shiny attachment, and then her heart sank. The boat's anchor was tied to her bonds.
The pony grinned and tossed her overboard. Bon Bon disappeared from sight instantly.
"NO!" screamed Lyra. Without hesitation, she leaped off the ski, took a deep breath, and dove into the warm, tropical waters, aiming for Bon Bon's location.
Lyra opened her eyes and was surprised to learn that saltwater doesn't sting. The water was crystal clear, and she spotted Bon Bon's sinking form. Her body was dropping fast, and she wasn't moving.
It's because she's conserving oxygen, thought Lyra. She's not dead, she's smart. Lyra pinned everything onto that hope and kicked her legs harder, pushing herself toward the ocean floor.
This was supposed to be a vacation, Lyra thought to herself. They weren't even on assignment when the robbery happened, but agents of S.M.I.L.E. are always on duty. She was beginning to rue having been pulled into this line of work by Bon Bon, a.k.a. Special Agent Sweetie Drops. But there isn't anywhere in Equestria she wouldn't follow her best friend, and today she was learning that 'anywhere' apparently included Davy Jones' Locker.
Bon Bon's body hit the bottom of the bay, sending a cloud of silt upwards. Lyra struggled to go faster, but this meant she was running out of oxygen more quickly. She didn't see it as much of a choice. Her eardrums hurt badly from the pressure change.
Lyra reached the sea floor and began propelling herself along the sandy bottom. Bon Bon was only a few meters away from her when the tangleweed caught her legs.
She started to panic as the tangleweed wrapped around all four of her ankles, securing her in place. The more she pulled, the tighter the weed's grip became. Lyra looked over at her wife and saw that she still wasn't moving. She pulled with all her might, and only noticed the lack of oxygen when the crushing sensation gripped her barrel.
Then, the unthinkable happened. Lyra inhaled seawater.
This is the end, she thought. I'm sorry Bon Bon. She closed her eyes and her body hung limp, but then she heard... singing?
"Shoo be doo, shoop shoop a doo..." came the underwater melody. Opening her eyes, she saw what looked like ponies with fins and seahorse tails approaching. Two of them grabbed Bon Bon's body, and another three pulled her free from the weeds. Lyra was somehow able to breathe the seawater. It was a miracle.
The seaponies swam Lyra and Bon Bon into a cavern and slid them up onto a sandbar. Both ponies coughed up lungfuls of seawater and began to breathe normally. Without saying a word, the seaponies left.
Lyra and Bon Bon hugged tight as could be before either of them spoke.
"You made it," said Bon Bon.
Despite the cold and clammy feeling, Lyra continued holding Bon Bon in the tight hug.
"Thank Celestia," said Lyra, then she looked into Bon Bon's eyes, holding her shoulders with her forehooves. "Look, love. I know I said I would, but I just can't do this anymore," said Lyra. "This is the last straw. I want us to retire from S.M.I.L.E."
Bon Bon nodded as Lyra finally relaxed her posture. "That won't be a problem," said Bon Bon.
"I was so scared I'd lost you. I thought you were a goner, Sweetie! Right before the seaponies showed up, I thought I had died," she admitted.
Bon Bon smiled gently, but there was a sadness in her eyes.
"You did," said Bon Bon.
"You filthy bastards let go of my wife!" she shouted.
The two earth ponies in the boat looked at one another and nodded. The pilot made a sharp starboard turn as the other dropped the crossbow and picked up Bon Bon's body, firmly bound and gagged.
"The hell is that?" Lyra said when she saw the shiny attachment, and then her heart sank. The boat's anchor was tied to her bonds.
The pony grinned and tossed her overboard. Bon Bon disappeared from sight instantly.
"NO!" screamed Lyra. Without hesitation, she leaped off the ski, took a deep breath, and dove into the warm, tropical waters, aiming for Bon Bon's location.
Lyra opened her eyes and was surprised to learn that saltwater doesn't sting. The water was crystal clear, and she spotted Bon Bon's sinking form. Her body was dropping fast, and she wasn't moving.
It's because she's conserving oxygen, thought Lyra. She's not dead, she's smart. Lyra pinned everything onto that hope and kicked her legs harder, pushing herself toward the ocean floor.
This was supposed to be a vacation, Lyra thought to herself. They weren't even on assignment when the robbery happened, but agents of S.M.I.L.E. are always on duty. She was beginning to rue having been pulled into this line of work by Bon Bon, a.k.a. Special Agent Sweetie Drops. But there isn't anywhere in Equestria she wouldn't follow her best friend, and today she was learning that 'anywhere' apparently included Davy Jones' Locker.
Bon Bon's body hit the bottom of the bay, sending a cloud of silt upwards. Lyra struggled to go faster, but this meant she was running out of oxygen more quickly. She didn't see it as much of a choice. Her eardrums hurt badly from the pressure change.
Lyra reached the sea floor and began propelling herself along the sandy bottom. Bon Bon was only a few meters away from her when the tangleweed caught her legs.
She started to panic as the tangleweed wrapped around all four of her ankles, securing her in place. The more she pulled, the tighter the weed's grip became. Lyra looked over at her wife and saw that she still wasn't moving. She pulled with all her might, and only noticed the lack of oxygen when the crushing sensation gripped her barrel.
Then, the unthinkable happened. Lyra inhaled seawater.
This is the end, she thought. I'm sorry Bon Bon. She closed her eyes and her body hung limp, but then she heard... singing?
"Shoo be doo, shoop shoop a doo..." came the underwater melody. Opening her eyes, she saw what looked like ponies with fins and seahorse tails approaching. Two of them grabbed Bon Bon's body, and another three pulled her free from the weeds. Lyra was somehow able to breathe the seawater. It was a miracle.
The seaponies swam Lyra and Bon Bon into a cavern and slid them up onto a sandbar. Both ponies coughed up lungfuls of seawater and began to breathe normally. Without saying a word, the seaponies left.
Lyra and Bon Bon hugged tight as could be before either of them spoke.
"You made it," said Bon Bon.
Despite the cold and clammy feeling, Lyra continued holding Bon Bon in the tight hug.
"Thank Celestia," said Lyra, then she looked into Bon Bon's eyes, holding her shoulders with her forehooves. "Look, love. I know I said I would, but I just can't do this anymore," said Lyra. "This is the last straw. I want us to retire from S.M.I.L.E."
Bon Bon nodded as Lyra finally relaxed her posture. "That won't be a problem," said Bon Bon.
"I was so scared I'd lost you. I thought you were a goner, Sweetie! Right before the seaponies showed up, I thought I had died," she admitted.
Bon Bon smiled gently, but there was a sadness in her eyes.
"You did," said Bon Bon.
… Well, that was… weird. At first, it's a cheesy action story, then there's an apparent deus ex machina, then… what? Twist sad ending? Is Lyra a zombie, or a figment of Bonbon's imagination? Is this a recurring memory-nightmare of Bonbon's or something?
I don't know, man. It was strange.
I don't know, man. It was strange.
The pacing on this is too fast, and the injection of Lyra's thoughts seems a little forced. I think this can be done well as a minific, but you will need more than 1000 words and some fine-tuning.
I think the ending is ever-so-slightly ambiguous, but I liked it. My interpretation is that either this is the afterlife, or Lyra is hallucinating and in the process of dying after inhaling seawater. I prefer the former interpretation, so I would like to see more emotion from Bon Bon, or maybe a short discussion about them being together. The ending feels a little rushed (as does the rest of the story), but I suspect this was time pressure more than word limits.
I think the ending is ever-so-slightly ambiguous, but I liked it. My interpretation is that either this is the afterlife, or Lyra is hallucinating and in the process of dying after inhaling seawater. I prefer the former interpretation, so I would like to see more emotion from Bon Bon, or maybe a short discussion about them being together. The ending feels a little rushed (as does the rest of the story), but I suspect this was time pressure more than word limits.
I quite liked the initial set-up for this one, insofar as I'm a huge fan of action films and their cliches. It felt a little rushed, but I can understand that given the time constraints.
That ending felt almost too much though, and at odds with the 'wearing it on its sleeve' opening/middle. Although I would have baulked at that deus ex machina moment concluding the story, the one the story opts to go with feels more muddy than purposefully ambiguous, and the two stylistic approaches just didn't gel for me.
Ah, that made me smile though.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
That ending felt almost too much though, and at odds with the 'wearing it on its sleeve' opening/middle. Although I would have baulked at that deus ex machina moment concluding the story, the one the story opts to go with feels more muddy than purposefully ambiguous, and the two stylistic approaches just didn't gel for me.
"Shoo be doo, shoop shoop a doo..."
Ah, that made me smile though.
Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
Jet skis and crossbows. Gotta love getting smacked by schizo tech in the very first line.
I am deeply disappointed that you didn’t call it Davy Pone’s Locker.
There’s some great tension here, but the ambiguous ending just leaves me frustrated. When did Lyra die? Was she ever resuscitated? Was the hippocampus ex machina part of her dying delusion? Leaving matters open to interpretation can work, but this didn’t give me enough information to take a decent stab at it. Here’s hoping you build on this.
I am deeply disappointed that you didn’t call it Davy Pone’s Locker.
There’s some great tension here, but the ambiguous ending just leaves me frustrated. When did Lyra die? Was she ever resuscitated? Was the hippocampus ex machina part of her dying delusion? Leaving matters open to interpretation can work, but this didn’t give me enough information to take a decent stab at it. Here’s hoping you build on this.
Like everyone else, I found the ending too ambiguous and confusing. My best guess, based on these parts:
Is that they both died and made it to whatever the pony equivalent of Heaven is. Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense for Bon Bon to tell Lyra that she made it and that she died.
I also kept wondering why Lyra didn't use her magic to help. I'm sure she could have at least used it to escape from the tangleweed.
I think it's a good story overall, but you probably should have used those extra 65 words to add some clarity.
"You made it," said Bon Bon.
...
"You did [die]," said Bon Bon.
Is that they both died and made it to whatever the pony equivalent of Heaven is. Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense for Bon Bon to tell Lyra that she made it and that she died.
I also kept wondering why Lyra didn't use her magic to help. I'm sure she could have at least used it to escape from the tangleweed.
I think it's a good story overall, but you probably should have used those extra 65 words to add some clarity.
Some awkwardness here and there (especially in redundant information):
Bon Bon disappeared from sight instantly. What? She doesn't float in the air? :P
Without hesitation, she leaped off the ski, took a deep breath, and dove into the warm, tropical waters,… Order is mangled. First she should've taken a deep breath, then leaped off. As you wrote it, it seems to me she leaps off, miraculously hovers over the water, takes a breath, then dive. …aiming for Bon Bon's location. This is unneeded. First, if she plunges into the water, it's not to fish :P, and then Bon Bon’s “location” sounds strange, as she sinks.
Lyra thinks about her vacation while she swims underwater to rescue Bon Bon?
sending a cloud of silt upwards: if she hits the bottom, the cloud can barely go downwards…
hugged tight…tight hug: you can vary the vocabulary a tad. Why not use “clasp” for example.
Well, the end is obscure, I'm afraid. Where does the transition from life to death occur exactly? I mean, everyone else stumbled on the same question, so I won’t rub it in once more.
Bon Bon disappeared from sight instantly. What? She doesn't float in the air? :P
Without hesitation, she leaped off the ski, took a deep breath, and dove into the warm, tropical waters,… Order is mangled. First she should've taken a deep breath, then leaped off. As you wrote it, it seems to me she leaps off, miraculously hovers over the water, takes a breath, then dive. …aiming for Bon Bon's location. This is unneeded. First, if she plunges into the water, it's not to fish :P, and then Bon Bon’s “location” sounds strange, as she sinks.
Lyra thinks about her vacation while she swims underwater to rescue Bon Bon?
sending a cloud of silt upwards: if she hits the bottom, the cloud can barely go downwards…
hugged tight…tight hug: you can vary the vocabulary a tad. Why not use “clasp” for example.
Well, the end is obscure, I'm afraid. Where does the transition from life to death occur exactly? I mean, everyone else stumbled on the same question, so I won’t rub it in once more.
hehe (spoiler)
I liked this one, but the feeling I get is that it's "one sentence too short" (don't take this too literally)
we get a creepy twist, and it's pretty clear what happened, but it needs just a little bit more.... context, to understand how we should react to this. at least we want to see how Lyra deals with it, because it doesn't feel fully satisfying ending it there.
agh, this is a tough one, because I'm not sure what to compare it to.
it could be a campfire ghost story with a stinger ending, but the buildup isn't all that suspenseful. or maybe it was meant to be a literary tale of pony death & pony afterlife, but it ends too early and doesn't feel poetic enough.
I liked this one, but the feeling I get is that it's "one sentence too short" (don't take this too literally)
we get a creepy twist, and it's pretty clear what happened, but it needs just a little bit more.... context, to understand how we should react to this. at least we want to see how Lyra deals with it, because it doesn't feel fully satisfying ending it there.
agh, this is a tough one, because I'm not sure what to compare it to.
it could be a campfire ghost story with a stinger ending, but the buildup isn't all that suspenseful. or maybe it was meant to be a literary tale of pony death & pony afterlife, but it ends too early and doesn't feel poetic enough.
Okay, the opening was good and, this is very important, made sense. The ending, on the other hand... Deus Ex Machina rescue by sea ponies... could work. But then we get the "You're dead." surprise ending. Which, while it is both a surprise and an ending, is more of a "What the heck?" ending.
Was Bon Bon already dead as she sank to the bottom? She wasn't moving after all.
Is this a last hallucination before she passes on?
Is this the afterlife?
Is this all just a dream or a nightmare?
Who knows? We really need at least a little more clarification in the story, otherwise it's less of an ambiguous ending, and more of a completely open ending. Or worse, not really an ending at all...
Was Bon Bon already dead as she sank to the bottom? She wasn't moving after all.
Is this a last hallucination before she passes on?
Is this the afterlife?
Is this all just a dream or a nightmare?
Who knows? We really need at least a little more clarification in the story, otherwise it's less of an ambiguous ending, and more of a completely open ending. Or worse, not really an ending at all...
Retirement (Retrospective)
I know what I did wrong. Yay!
This was a last-minute entry in every sense of the word. I didn't think I was going to complete a second entry, but I had this one in mind and I started writing and rushed it in and edited it up until a few minutes past the bell.
Obviously the ambiguity is the problem, but it wasn't intentional: I just didn't have any time to finish my story. The intent is that it ends up being a love-survives-death story.
I plan to release this one pretty soon (as a minific on FF), and I think most of you will like the final product.
Thanks for your reviews!>>spigo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>The_Letter_J >>Monokeras >>Haze >>TheCyanRecluse
I know what I did wrong. Yay!
This was a last-minute entry in every sense of the word. I didn't think I was going to complete a second entry, but I had this one in mind and I started writing and rushed it in and edited it up until a few minutes past the bell.
Obviously the ambiguity is the problem, but it wasn't intentional: I just didn't have any time to finish my story. The intent is that it ends up being a love-survives-death story.
I plan to release this one pretty soon (as a minific on FF), and I think most of you will like the final product.
Thanks for your reviews!>>spigo >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>FanOfMostEverything >>The_Letter_J >>Monokeras >>Haze >>TheCyanRecluse
Late review, but I have to say that there were some aspects I enjoyed. The sudden genre shift from action adventure to dark romance felt abrupt to some, but I kind of liked the mixing of genres. Maybe it could've been smoother, but it didn't bother me much as is. I also liked the inclusion of the SeaPonies (what? They're fun!).
However, I agree with the others on the ambiguity aspect being a problem. Nothing wrong with being minimalist, but sometimes we need a bit more than simply starting in the middle of the situation. I also think starting out so loud and ending so quietly so quickly did feel a bit odd and out of left field. It probably wouldn't be a problem for me if the the fic was a little longer, but as is, it felt slightly too abrupt for me to fully wrap my head around. On the right track, with just a little refinement needed.
However, I agree with the others on the ambiguity aspect being a problem. Nothing wrong with being minimalist, but sometimes we need a bit more than simply starting in the middle of the situation. I also think starting out so loud and ending so quietly so quickly did feel a bit odd and out of left field. It probably wouldn't be a problem for me if the the fic was a little longer, but as is, it felt slightly too abrupt for me to fully wrap my head around. On the right track, with just a little refinement needed.