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“Well, Twilight Sparkle, here we are.” Princess Celestia’s voice sounded strained in the still air. “Has this all worked out the way you had hoped?”
Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.
“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol, resisting the desperate urge to look at the air above them. “I’m... I’m so sorry, Celestia. This has become a total disaster.”
After a pause, a soft soothing murmur reached her ears as Celestia stroked her mane. Like a reflex reaction, Twilight pressed tight against the bars towards it, willingly surrendering herself to that warm abyss the embrace had always given her. Only, it didn’t feel as strong as it had during the days of her fillyhood; fear still pricked at her chest, her body feeling cold.
“Oh, Twilight. You had the best of intentions,” Celestia whispered. “Even if you were quite out of your depth.”
“I thought that helping ponies see their friendships to each other would help those friendships become even stronger. Or help find ponies in need and overcome their problems. I didn’t expect this.” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “You must hate me.”
A hoof lifted Twilight’s face until her eyes met Celestia’s. They were troubled, but still warm.
“My dearest Twilight,” she replied. “I don’t hate you. Nothing you could ever do would give me cause to hate you.”
Twilight nodded, and then her eyes crept upwards. She was horrified, but felt powerless to resist. She just had to know.
From the top of Celestia’s head, a complex matrix of golden threads—some shimmering, many dull—arced outwards through the walls of the gaol. Twilight focused on the single strand that didn’t: The one that connected Celestia’s matrix to hers. It still shone brightly, and Twilight felt relief tease her lungs.
“Is my word not enough now?”
“Yes, of course!” Twilight recoiled from the bars, feeling hot shame prick her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I just needed to be—I mean...” She trailed off, licking her dry lips.
The smile on Celestia’s face was gentle, though it didn’t reach the corners of her mouth.
“You see now why Star Swirl never finished this particular spell? It wasn’t because he wasn’t able to, Twilight. It seems not even you are immune to its effects.” She paused then, her eyes drifting upwards.
Twilight’s throat felt tight as she followed Celestia’s gaze. There, between the networks of strands, hung one that sparkled like the stars in the night sky, though it was clear it had once been brighter.
“Luna will come around,” she offered helplessly.
Celestia’s eyes flashed momentarily, and she shook her head. “Nor I, it seems. The point is, Twilight, that the moment we aren’t content with simply feeling that friendship exists, that we no longer just trust it’s there, we invite doom. As you can see, it serves nopony to have constant physical reminders about the presence and strength of their feelings towards others, nor the feelings between others.”
Twilight swallowed as suppressed memories roughly pushed her thoughts aside: Of comforting Pinkie Pie because half of Ponyville didn’t consider her as close a friend as she did them, and that horrible argument between AJ and Dash over why she hadn’t broken up with Big Mac, despite the strand connecting them being so dull and lifeless.
And then there was Celestia.
Twilight licked her lips. “Will you be—?”
“Yes.” Celestia cast her gaze about her cell, the frown on her face quickly disappearing. “Twilight, I don’t blame you for any of this. The investigation is just a precaution. I should have been more open with everypony from the outset—it’s only natural for them to be suspicious when a golden strand is tracked between their princess and a changeling queen. After all, we all have our fears...” Celestia’s face clouded slightly. “I’m sorry for not telling you either. I hope I haven’t disappointed you.”
“Of course not!” Twilight shook her head, her cheeks feeling hot as she gazed above Celestia’s head—where that one strand, as bright as the sun itself, arced away from the gaol. “I’ll fix this, Celestia. I promise.”
“I know you will,” Celestia replied, that sad smile returning. “Though I suspect undoing the spell will be the easy part. Undoing the effects, however...”
Twilight swallowed, and tried to reassure herself by checking the brightness of the strands from above her head. Her heart sank when she realised that Celestia was doing the same.
Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.
“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol, resisting the desperate urge to look at the air above them. “I’m... I’m so sorry, Celestia. This has become a total disaster.”
After a pause, a soft soothing murmur reached her ears as Celestia stroked her mane. Like a reflex reaction, Twilight pressed tight against the bars towards it, willingly surrendering herself to that warm abyss the embrace had always given her. Only, it didn’t feel as strong as it had during the days of her fillyhood; fear still pricked at her chest, her body feeling cold.
“Oh, Twilight. You had the best of intentions,” Celestia whispered. “Even if you were quite out of your depth.”
“I thought that helping ponies see their friendships to each other would help those friendships become even stronger. Or help find ponies in need and overcome their problems. I didn’t expect this.” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “You must hate me.”
A hoof lifted Twilight’s face until her eyes met Celestia’s. They were troubled, but still warm.
“My dearest Twilight,” she replied. “I don’t hate you. Nothing you could ever do would give me cause to hate you.”
Twilight nodded, and then her eyes crept upwards. She was horrified, but felt powerless to resist. She just had to know.
From the top of Celestia’s head, a complex matrix of golden threads—some shimmering, many dull—arced outwards through the walls of the gaol. Twilight focused on the single strand that didn’t: The one that connected Celestia’s matrix to hers. It still shone brightly, and Twilight felt relief tease her lungs.
“Is my word not enough now?”
“Yes, of course!” Twilight recoiled from the bars, feeling hot shame prick her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I just needed to be—I mean...” She trailed off, licking her dry lips.
The smile on Celestia’s face was gentle, though it didn’t reach the corners of her mouth.
“You see now why Star Swirl never finished this particular spell? It wasn’t because he wasn’t able to, Twilight. It seems not even you are immune to its effects.” She paused then, her eyes drifting upwards.
Twilight’s throat felt tight as she followed Celestia’s gaze. There, between the networks of strands, hung one that sparkled like the stars in the night sky, though it was clear it had once been brighter.
“Luna will come around,” she offered helplessly.
Celestia’s eyes flashed momentarily, and she shook her head. “Nor I, it seems. The point is, Twilight, that the moment we aren’t content with simply feeling that friendship exists, that we no longer just trust it’s there, we invite doom. As you can see, it serves nopony to have constant physical reminders about the presence and strength of their feelings towards others, nor the feelings between others.”
Twilight swallowed as suppressed memories roughly pushed her thoughts aside: Of comforting Pinkie Pie because half of Ponyville didn’t consider her as close a friend as she did them, and that horrible argument between AJ and Dash over why she hadn’t broken up with Big Mac, despite the strand connecting them being so dull and lifeless.
And then there was Celestia.
Twilight licked her lips. “Will you be—?”
“Yes.” Celestia cast her gaze about her cell, the frown on her face quickly disappearing. “Twilight, I don’t blame you for any of this. The investigation is just a precaution. I should have been more open with everypony from the outset—it’s only natural for them to be suspicious when a golden strand is tracked between their princess and a changeling queen. After all, we all have our fears...” Celestia’s face clouded slightly. “I’m sorry for not telling you either. I hope I haven’t disappointed you.”
“Of course not!” Twilight shook her head, her cheeks feeling hot as she gazed above Celestia’s head—where that one strand, as bright as the sun itself, arced away from the gaol. “I’ll fix this, Celestia. I promise.”
“I know you will,” Celestia replied, that sad smile returning. “Though I suspect undoing the spell will be the easy part. Undoing the effects, however...”
Twilight swallowed, and tried to reassure herself by checking the brightness of the strands from above her head. Her heart sank when she realised that Celestia was doing the same.
Ouch.
Don’t worry. That’s a good ouch. This one combines a clever use of the prompt, a powerful message, and wonderful emotional impact. Definitely one of the top contenders.
Don’t worry. That’s a good ouch. This one combines a clever use of the prompt, a powerful message, and wonderful emotional impact. Definitely one of the top contenders.
A really cool idea. As someone who thinks, in general, there isn't nearly enough honesty in relationships, I can see a great benefit to Twilight's spell, yet human/pony nature being what it is, I can also appreciate how devastating it would be to many.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
Wow. This is one of the better reversal of expectations I've seen, Writer. There's so much emotional weight behind this piece (delicious emotions) and the characters' voices come through loud and clear. Painful and poignant. Well done indeed.
>>Rolo
I don't think it's that ponies want to be lied to, so much as they are suddenly confronted with an objective reality that doesn't quite line up with their expectations. Even if the Golden Matrix shows that their assumptions about the nature of their relationships with others is more or less correct, it would still be somewhat disturbing to have a constant reminder of bad breakups or soured friendships literally hanging over your head. While it may be a stretch to say that the spell serves nopony, I will readily agree that the spell would do far more harm than good.
>>Rolo
I don't think it's that ponies want to be lied to, so much as they are suddenly confronted with an objective reality that doesn't quite line up with their expectations. Even if the Golden Matrix shows that their assumptions about the nature of their relationships with others is more or less correct, it would still be somewhat disturbing to have a constant reminder of bad breakups or soured friendships literally hanging over your head. While it may be a stretch to say that the spell serves nopony, I will readily agree that the spell would do far more harm than good.
a very clever idea with many fascinating possibilities to explore.
but what a cop-out. the characters summarize each of the possibilities, instead of showing any of them (except for the concluding lines). I feel like I read an outline instead of a minific.
I'll be first in line to read the full version on fimfic. but I can't rate this highly for the contest.
(I might be too nasty with my honesty here. but I only do this because this author is obviously talented.)
but what a cop-out. the characters summarize each of the possibilities, instead of showing any of them (except for the concluding lines). I feel like I read an outline instead of a minific.
I'll be first in line to read the full version on fimfic. but I can't rate this highly for the contest.
(I might be too nasty with my honesty here. but I only do this because this author is obviously talented.)
I think it would be easier if it were more obvious from the start that Celestia was the one jailed. I can see what you're going for, but I'm not sure it's worth added confusion.
For some reason I read some of the examples as attempts to inject comedy in a way that undercuts the drama. I'm not sure why I'm reading any comedy into this piece, because it isn't there explicitly, so maybe I just looked at it in the wrong way. I think the drama and the message are very much on-point. I'll be surprised if this isn't you-know-who.
I have no idea what is going on at this point. "Scrubbed" implies roughness, so exfoliation or washing. Do you mean she was rubbing her own face, perhaps...?
I don't need to tell you how I interpreted this. :trollestia: I suspect that wasn't an intentional ambiguity, but... I'm not sure...
Maybe that was the comedy source?
For some reason I read some of the examples as attempts to inject comedy in a way that undercuts the drama. I'm not sure why I'm reading any comedy into this piece, because it isn't there explicitly, so maybe I just looked at it in the wrong way. I think the drama and the message are very much on-point. I'll be surprised if this isn't you-know-who.
...scrubbed at her face.
I have no idea what is going on at this point. "Scrubbed" implies roughness, so exfoliation or washing. Do you mean she was rubbing her own face, perhaps...?
...that horrible argument between AJ and Dash over why she hadn’t broken up with Big Mac, despite the strand connecting them being so dull and lifeless...
I don't need to tell you how I interpreted this. :trollestia: I suspect that wasn't an intentional ambiguity, but... I'm not sure...
Maybe that was the comedy source?
Definitely one of the best stories I've read so far. I didn't catch that Celestia was the one in jail on my first read, probably because the "her" in the reveal is a bit ambiguous.
>>Haze
While the minific rounds tend to be full stories that should have been much longer, I don't think that this is one of them. It certainly could have been expanded, but so could any other story. This one tells a basically complete story, and I think it stands alone perfectly well. It would be nice to see why there's such a strong strand between Celestia and the changeling queen, but that's not really essential to the actual point of the story.
>>Haze
While the minific rounds tend to be full stories that should have been much longer, I don't think that this is one of them. It certainly could have been expanded, but so could any other story. This one tells a basically complete story, and I think it stands alone perfectly well. It would be nice to see why there's such a strong strand between Celestia and the changeling queen, but that's not really essential to the actual point of the story.
>>Trick_Question
huh, I completely missed that. multiple times. I misunderstood that Twilight was the one connected to Chrysalis and thought it fit awkwardly. that part makes more sense now.
>>The_Letter_J
I'm convinced there's a complete story here, but I don't feel like I experienced it myself. it was told to me through recaps and a summarizing moral. yet there's the brilliant last few lines, which shook my soul.
I don't want minifics to be longer, I want them to be richer.
I think it would be easier if it were more obvious from the start that ...
huh, I completely missed that. multiple times. I misunderstood that Twilight was the one connected to Chrysalis and thought it fit awkwardly. that part makes more sense now.
>>The_Letter_J
I'm convinced there's a complete story here, but I don't feel like I experienced it myself. it was told to me through recaps and a summarizing moral. yet there's the brilliant last few lines, which shook my soul.
I don't want minifics to be longer, I want them to be richer.
Nitpick: Might want to establish up front that they're both in [edit] the cell{s}. My brain grabbed for the assumption that Twilight had gotten arrested and Celestia was lecturing her from outside, and I had to backtrack a bit to reframe that.
The line "Luna will come around" also raised more questions than it answered for me; it felt like this story's one big miss. Even in the context of the story's later exposition, I don't understand why Luna reacted so strongly to (presumably) Celestia's changeling lover, especially since Celestia's the one who really suffered at Chrysalis' hoofpendages, and Luna slept through the whole wedding. Or why Twilight didn't react that strongly, having been at the epicenter of that, especially since it has such strong potential to paint Celestia's rejection/lecture/dismissal of her Cadance concerns in a terrible new light.
But that aside, this is surprisingly strong. It's basically SS&E/theworstwriter's "The Numbers Don't Lie" in minific format, and it makes quite good use of its space. The slow reveal in particular is well-paced and its escalation well-handled. I want to read more, but I don't feel much shortchanged by it ending where it did, which is a lovely balancing act.
Tier: Top Contender
The line "Luna will come around" also raised more questions than it answered for me; it felt like this story's one big miss. Even in the context of the story's later exposition, I don't understand why Luna reacted so strongly to (presumably) Celestia's changeling lover, especially since Celestia's the one who really suffered at Chrysalis' hoofpendages, and Luna slept through the whole wedding. Or why Twilight didn't react that strongly, having been at the epicenter of that, especially since it has such strong potential to paint Celestia's rejection/lecture/dismissal of her Cadance concerns in a terrible new light.
But that aside, this is surprisingly strong. It's basically SS&E/theworstwriter's "The Numbers Don't Lie" in minific format, and it makes quite good use of its space. The slow reveal in particular is well-paced and its escalation well-handled. I want to read more, but I don't feel much shortchanged by it ending where it did, which is a lovely balancing act.
Tier: Top Contender
More specifically, the reason it's confusing is that the author is trying to make us think Twilight is in the cell at first, then make Celestia being the one in the cell a twist. I think that approach is more trouble than its worth, though.
>>horizon
What >>Icenrose said. As for the part about Luna, I believe that the faded thread that is mentioned is connecting Luna to Twilight, not Celestia. And I think that Luna is angry at Twilight for casting the spell for all of the same reasons that everypony else doesn't like it, not specifically because it revealed her sister's relationship with a changeling queen. And I wouldn't be surprised if the threads reconfirmed her old fears that everypony likes Celestia more than her.
What >>Icenrose said. As for the part about Luna, I believe that the faded thread that is mentioned is connecting Luna to Twilight, not Celestia. And I think that Luna is angry at Twilight for casting the spell for all of the same reasons that everypony else doesn't like it, not specifically because it revealed her sister's relationship with a changeling queen. And I wouldn't be surprised if the threads reconfirmed her old fears that everypony likes Celestia more than her.
>>Trick_Question
Actually, I take this back.
The more I think about it, the more I would do exactly the same thing. I like the twist even if it isn't critical. You just need to be much more clear about the specifics: have Twilight reach through the bars of the cell for Celestia, and Celestia reluctantly take her hoof, something like that. But keep the twist.
Actually, I take this back.
The more I think about it, the more I would do exactly the same thing. I like the twist even if it isn't critical. You just need to be much more clear about the specifics: have Twilight reach through the bars of the cell for Celestia, and Celestia reluctantly take her hoof, something like that. But keep the twist.
(spoilers ahead)
>>Icenrose >>Trick_Question >>The_Letter_J
After some close rereading, I'm going to double down on "they're both in jail" based on text as written. (If that's not the author's intention, I'm sure it's fixable with some trivial/minor edits.)
This is a fairly abstruse point about referents, but the prose quality is high enough that I think it's intentional.
If Twilight is not in a cell, then saying "the cell" is an ambiguity error here. Twilight would be able to slump against the bars of dozens of cells, and the one she chose isn't called out as "Celestia's cell", or "Cell 17", or whatever.
(Alternatively, the royal gaol only has a single cell, but that strikes me as absurd.)
If Twilight is in a cell, there's no ambiguity error: the only bars she'd be able to slump against would be her own, and they'd be hugging through the bars of adjacent cells.
Furthermore, the two of them are alone in the gaol. If Twilight is not in a cell, this means that they let the nation's most powerful mage, with a visible bright friendship line toward Celestia (as we must assume from her behavior all story), into the jail to visit her with no guards around, which is a decision involving an idiot ball the size of Shining Armor's shield around the city. If they're both in cells, the lack of guards isn't quite so weird (though still ought to be lampshaded somewhere).
Also, on closer reading, I realized we're all misinterpreting Luna:
Earlier in the story, Twilight's "eyes crept upwards" — looking at the strands over Celestia's head. Celestia's glance is described in almost identical terms. Moving only your eyes and not your head, it's impossible to see something over your own head — not to mention, there's no point, since apparently the spell shows you the feelings of that person toward others, and you know your own feelings already. Celestia is looking at Twilight's attitude toward Luna (hence her last quote). Twilight's line is an excuse for why her feelings changed: they had a falling out (presumably over the spell), and Twilight blames Luna.
If Twilight and Luna had a falling out, it makes a lot more sense that she'd be in jail too.
Edit: Author, the fact that we're having this discussion probably suggests that — no matter who's right — you want to edit the story's wording to clarify who's where when and who's looking at what where. %-)
>>Icenrose >>Trick_Question >>The_Letter_J
After some close rereading, I'm going to double down on "they're both in jail" based on text as written. (If that's not the author's intention, I'm sure it's fixable with some trivial/minor edits.)
Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.
“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol …
This is a fairly abstruse point about referents, but the prose quality is high enough that I think it's intentional.
If Twilight is not in a cell, then saying "the cell" is an ambiguity error here. Twilight would be able to slump against the bars of dozens of cells, and the one she chose isn't called out as "Celestia's cell", or "Cell 17", or whatever.
(Alternatively, the royal gaol only has a single cell, but that strikes me as absurd.)
If Twilight is in a cell, there's no ambiguity error: the only bars she'd be able to slump against would be her own, and they'd be hugging through the bars of adjacent cells.
From the top of Celestia’s head, a complex matrix of golden threads—some shimmering, many dull—arced outwards through the walls of the gaol. Twilight focused on the single strand that didn’t…
Furthermore, the two of them are alone in the gaol. If Twilight is not in a cell, this means that they let the nation's most powerful mage, with a visible bright friendship line toward Celestia (as we must assume from her behavior all story), into the jail to visit her with no guards around, which is a decision involving an idiot ball the size of Shining Armor's shield around the city. If they're both in cells, the lack of guards isn't quite so weird (though still ought to be lampshaded somewhere).
Also, on closer reading, I realized we're all misinterpreting Luna:
“You see now why Star Swirl never finished this particular spell? It wasn’t because he wasn’t able to, Twilight. It seems not even you are immune to its effects.” She paused then, her eyes drifting upwards.
Twilight’s throat felt tight as she followed Celestia’s gaze. There, between the networks of strands, hung one that sparkled like the stars in the night sky, though it was clear it had once been brighter.
“Luna will come around,” she offered helplessly.
Celestia’s eyes flashed momentarily, and she shook her head. “Nor I, it seems. …"
Earlier in the story, Twilight's "eyes crept upwards" — looking at the strands over Celestia's head. Celestia's glance is described in almost identical terms. Moving only your eyes and not your head, it's impossible to see something over your own head — not to mention, there's no point, since apparently the spell shows you the feelings of that person toward others, and you know your own feelings already. Celestia is looking at Twilight's attitude toward Luna (hence her last quote). Twilight's line is an excuse for why her feelings changed: they had a falling out (presumably over the spell), and Twilight blames Luna.
If Twilight and Luna had a falling out, it makes a lot more sense that she'd be in jail too.
Edit: Author, the fact that we're having this discussion probably suggests that — no matter who's right — you want to edit the story's wording to clarify who's where when and who's looking at what where. %-)
>>horizon
She's slumping against the bars of the cell. That doesn't mean she's in the cell. She's on the outside, I'm certain.
(I didn't write this one but I'm rather certain I'm reading it properly.)
She's slumping against the bars of the cell. That doesn't mean she's in the cell. She's on the outside, I'm certain.
(I didn't write this one but I'm rather certain I'm reading it properly.)
>>horizon
Twilight has her face against the bars. She looks at the floor to avoid looking above Celestia's head. If they were both in the same cell, she'd already be facing away from Celestia by her position, and wouldn't need to intentionally avoid anything. They must be on opposite sides of the bars, facing each other.
she moves towards Celestia, but against the bars.
"the cell" suggests there is only one cell relevant to this scene, so they can't both be imprisoned seperately. it is very likely the vague wording was to conceal who occupied the single cell.
Twilight slumped heavily against the bars of the cell and scrubbed at her face.
“No,” she croaked. She kept her gaze on the cobbled floor of the royal gaol, resisting the desperate urge to look at the air above them. “I’m... I’m so sorry, Celestia. This has become a total disaster.”
Twilight has her face against the bars. She looks at the floor to avoid looking above Celestia's head. If they were both in the same cell, she'd already be facing away from Celestia by her position, and wouldn't need to intentionally avoid anything. They must be on opposite sides of the bars, facing each other.
After a pause, a soft soothing murmur reached her ears as Celestia stroked her mane. Like a reflex reaction, Twilight pressed tight against the bars towards it
she moves towards Celestia, but against the bars.
"the cell" suggests there is only one cell relevant to this scene, so they can't both be imprisoned seperately. it is very likely the vague wording was to conceal who occupied the single cell.
Wow, I've definitely come to the party late on this one. Again, I've not got much to add over what's already been said more succinctly by the others. A really enjoyable story, with a smidge of fine-tuning still needed on the clarity front. Thanks for sharing.
I thought myself that it was Luna - Celestia, with it strained because, well, seeing everything has strained the sisters.
Luna blaming Twilight works too. It's ambiguous.
Luna blaming Twilight works too. It's ambiguous.
I'm also coming late to the party in terms of being able to offer new things that others haven't noted.
With that said, the story as a whole didn't work for me. My two biggest issues are a lack of clarity around the physical circumstances (cf: the debate over who is and isn't in jail), and my feeling that this isn't really a story, it's a snippet from/teaser-trailer for a much longer story. As evidence of the latter point, look at all the shipping fodder that's mentioned without spending time to develop it. We the audience are being asked to accept a lot of things as "history" without build-up in either the show or the story itself, and we're only being offered a single (admittedly very strong) idea to justify the whole situation.
There are ways of making that work, of course, and the overall quality of this story's prose makes me think the author is capable of it. But I would have much rather seen development of any one of the many cool ideas floating around in here, than hints at what the whole thing might look like if the word limit was higher. So much time is spent during the build-up that there's hardly any payoff.
Tier: Needs work
With that said, the story as a whole didn't work for me. My two biggest issues are a lack of clarity around the physical circumstances (cf: the debate over who is and isn't in jail), and my feeling that this isn't really a story, it's a snippet from/teaser-trailer for a much longer story. As evidence of the latter point, look at all the shipping fodder that's mentioned without spending time to develop it. We the audience are being asked to accept a lot of things as "history" without build-up in either the show or the story itself, and we're only being offered a single (admittedly very strong) idea to justify the whole situation.
There are ways of making that work, of course, and the overall quality of this story's prose makes me think the author is capable of it. But I would have much rather seen development of any one of the many cool ideas floating around in here, than hints at what the whole thing might look like if the word limit was higher. So much time is spent during the build-up that there's hardly any payoff.
Tier: Needs work
Clearly, kudos for the idea. This is very creative, and that’s what I call a good premise.
The execution is fine too. You manage to pull one on us with the ambiguity on who's on the good/bad side of the grating.
The idea of Celestia having a special link to Chrysalis is the only part of the story I wasn’t really sold on. And since it's the key element of the punchline, it made the whole fic less impactful to me.
So pretty good job here, anyway.
The execution is fine too. You manage to pull one on us with the ambiguity on who's on the good/bad side of the grating.
The idea of Celestia having a special link to Chrysalis is the only part of the story I wasn’t really sold on. And since it's the key element of the punchline, it made the whole fic less impactful to me.
So pretty good job here, anyway.
I love the idea of how Twilight's innovation for strengthening friendships unintentionally brings down the mare who pushed her to do it. It's a dark version of "hoist by their own petard" that I think works for the most part. I also enjoyed how the innovation has so adversely affected everypony that not even Celestia and Twilight trust each other enough to not look at the threads when they talk. Sometimes our friends don't need to know everything about us, and this story goes to show why this is. A sad, but well-told tale.
This was nice, although I don't think there's any point in keeping a secret about who's in the cell (assuming the "reveal" about who's in the cell is meant to be a twist of some sort). It seems irrelevant to anything else in the fic.
Well, I'm running out of time, so my reviews shall be briefer than normal, but just as sadly unhelpful. ;>
Very interesting idea. I like it.
I kinda assumed that it was Twilight in the cell (and was rather wondering why, and how imprisoning her helps anyone... It certainly won't help her undo the spell...) But reading other reviews, I can see how it might be Celestia in the cell...
Though when I saw the tie to Chrysalis, my first thought was that they were family in some fashion. (I guess I've been reading a few too many stories where it turns out that Chrysalis is actually Celestia and Luna's sister.)
This does seem like the sort of idea that could be much better addressed in a full sized fic however. It has some very interesting consequences, which can only be touched upon in such a limited format.
Very interesting idea. I like it.
I kinda assumed that it was Twilight in the cell (and was rather wondering why, and how imprisoning her helps anyone... It certainly won't help her undo the spell...) But reading other reviews, I can see how it might be Celestia in the cell...
Though when I saw the tie to Chrysalis, my first thought was that they were family in some fashion. (I guess I've been reading a few too many stories where it turns out that Chrysalis is actually Celestia and Luna's sister.)
This does seem like the sort of idea that could be much better addressed in a full sized fic however. It has some very interesting consequences, which can only be touched upon in such a limited format.
Threads
A Retrospective/Response
Firstly, thank you so much >>FanOfMostEverything, >>Rolo, >>Icenrose, >>Haze, >>Trick_Question, >>The_Letter_J, >>Morning Sun, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Monokeras, >>libertydude, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>horizon and >>TheCyanRecluse. That was a hell of a lot of comments to get through, and I'm really chuffed that there is so much in them for me to take away and reflect on/learn from. I really appreciate you being so constructive. I still don't know if I'm going to expand on this one for FiMFiction, but if I do I have no doubts that your feedback will make it a stronger piece of work. :heartfeltgilda:
I think the biggest victim of the restrictive word count was clarity, and most of the elements that were either cut or merely hinted at have been noticed and highlighted. There was an attempt to give the piece some ambiguity, but it is just Celestia imprisoned in the gaol. Luna's strong reaction to Celestia's (correctly implied, horizon) changeling lover is more about how it was kept from her, and how that impacts on their relationship. This was the part that was most cut; I thought it might still stand strong enough, but it does now feel more implicitly, rather than explicitly, stated. The ambiguity about whether Luna's thread related to Celestia or Twilight is a nice bit of ambiguity, but is present more from poor clarity than design, I'm afraid.
I do largely feel that I told a complete story, rather than just presenting a heap of interesting ideas, but I do accept the critiques made in relation to this area, too. Perhaps there could have been greater focus on one or two aspects, rather than the whole kit and caboodle.
Oh, and:
[...]despite the strand connecting them being so dull and lifeless...
:facehoof:
Thanks again to everyone who read, commented and placed the minific. Huge congrats to TheCyanRecluse, and indeed to everyone who finished a story (or two, or three) and got it out there. See you next time, hopefully.
I know I'm late to the party here, but I liked this story, and it was probably my favorite of the round. I liked SS&E's The Numbers Don't Lie, and this reminded me of that in a way. But this was a clever little piece, and I appreciated the reversal and the reveal of Celestia, not Twilight, being the one in jail (though it explained some of the earlier issues).
Though I am curious, though it is far from essential to the story: >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Did Rainbow Dash not break up with Big Mac because she was doing it to be close to be AJ, or for some other reason?
Though I am curious, though it is far from essential to the story: >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Did Rainbow Dash not break up with Big Mac because she was doing it to be close to be AJ, or for some other reason?
>>TitaniumDragon
<.<
I had assumed it was because the sex was still great.
I like your idea better, though.
<.<
I had assumed it was because the sex was still great.
I like your idea better, though.
>>TitaniumDragon
Well that's very kind of you. Thanks, and I'm pleased you enjoyed the various aspects of it.
To be honest, I bandied around a few different reasons for the Dash/Big Mac issue: There was a half baked idea along the lines you suggested, but it was quickly suffocated by more generic sources of tension from an obviously failing relationship/developing attraction elsewhere. I ended up cutting the whole thing out because it was taking up too much space and time for very little gain. If I expand this story you can expect to find the AppleDashery undercurrent restored, to some extent.
Well that's very kind of you. Thanks, and I'm pleased you enjoyed the various aspects of it.
To be honest, I bandied around a few different reasons for the Dash/Big Mac issue: There was a half baked idea along the lines you suggested, but it was quickly suffocated by more generic sources of tension from an obviously failing relationship/developing attraction elsewhere. I ended up cutting the whole thing out because it was taking up too much space and time for very little gain. If I expand this story you can expect to find the AppleDashery undercurrent restored, to some extent.
(Proveably!) One of the strongest entries this round. I really liked it, and yet it didn't quite make the top of my slate. Part of that is... it's sort of an archetypical Top Contender, with it's melancholic tone and solid prose and strong, resonant theme and clever narrative touches and... ...it was too good and things that have a more distinct strength or hook end up standing out to me more?
I really enjoyed the flow of Twilight and Celestia's gaze drifting upwards – it wasn't subtle, yet it created the illusion it was, and it always naturally fit. The single paragraph of anecdotes was perfect, totally supporting your theme and conveying so much in great word economy. All the prose and description fully meshed with the gloomy tone presented.
I think the actual moralizing bothered me a little, though, in that it didn't have quite the nuance to avoid being incredibly cynical, and it... I'm not sure. Something. The actual point I think it's trying to make, less than 'Don't examine relationships, that's bad' is that... 'A lot of the time you have to pretend you're living in a better world than you are, because that's the only way to make it happen.' Cognitive Dissonance is the strongesthuman person superpower! The danger in the threads isn't that they reveal things that should be obvious, it's that they're reinforcement of the present and against that things can change.
Also I guess that we're unfairly judgmental jerks that hold people to unrealistic standards, and read far too much into certain associations and generalizations because we form them based on woefully incomplete and misleading information. Superpowers can also be used for evil. :pinkiesad2:
I really enjoyed the flow of Twilight and Celestia's gaze drifting upwards – it wasn't subtle, yet it created the illusion it was, and it always naturally fit. The single paragraph of anecdotes was perfect, totally supporting your theme and conveying so much in great word economy. All the prose and description fully meshed with the gloomy tone presented.
I think the actual moralizing bothered me a little, though, in that it didn't have quite the nuance to avoid being incredibly cynical, and it... I'm not sure. Something. The actual point I think it's trying to make, less than 'Don't examine relationships, that's bad' is that... 'A lot of the time you have to pretend you're living in a better world than you are, because that's the only way to make it happen.' Cognitive Dissonance is the strongest
Also I guess that we're unfairly judgmental jerks that hold people to unrealistic standards, and read far too much into certain associations and generalizations because we form them based on woefully incomplete and misleading information. Superpowers can also be used for evil. :pinkiesad2:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Don't keep us all in suspense. 😝 Was Twilight also arrested and in the next cell down from Celestia, or is she outside of the single dungeon cell, or does the story need to be lightly edited and she's outside of the particular cell Celestia's in?
Don't keep us all in suspense. 😝 Was Twilight also arrested and in the next cell down from Celestia, or is she outside of the single dungeon cell, or does the story need to be lightly edited and she's outside of the particular cell Celestia's in?
Thanks for the additional comments, everypony.
I've been deliberating as to whether I was going to expand on this for FiMFiction. It was always intended to serve as a personal challenge to stop overthinking ideas, and just get on and write something, but I think I might publish it anyway. I'm going to tweak a few bits, and expand on a few areas—not too much, though. I want to keep it short.
I wondered if anypony would be interested in casting an eye over it, when it's done? I'm conscious I don't want to ruin too much of the theme/content through overdeveloping, so it would be good to get a critique on it before it goes out.
I've been deliberating as to whether I was going to expand on this for FiMFiction. It was always intended to serve as a personal challenge to stop overthinking ideas, and just get on and write something, but I think I might publish it anyway. I'm going to tweak a few bits, and expand on a few areas—not too much, though. I want to keep it short.
I wondered if anypony would be interested in casting an eye over it, when it's done? I'm conscious I don't want to ruin too much of the theme/content through overdeveloping, so it would be good to get a critique on it before it goes out.