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Just A Simple Book Run...
I don’t understand how I got into this situation.
Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. I know exactly how I got in this situation, but still. It shouldn’t be totally my fault. I mean, I’m an alicorn now, and that section in the castle’s archives specifically said “Alicorn Private Archives.” I was just curious because I’d forgotten all about that section since the last time I saw it, when I was still studying under Princess Celestia. I mean, I couldn’t check it out then because I was short one pair of wings.
My body tensed hearing the Princess’s voice boom across the passageways, “Twilight Sparkle! I know these archives like the back of my ungilded hoof. You may have lived in them, but I built them! You will reveal yourself!”
I’m far back in the archives now, the section that leads beneath the castle to the older tomes. I come here every couple weeks or so, normally to just gather a few of the copied collections. You can never have enough books for your own library you know.
And now, I sit here trembling against the Agricultural section pressed up against...Ooo, BuckWheat’s Guide to Controlling the Earth Magic Within...I’ll have to grab th-Focus Twilight. Princess Celestia is gaining. I’m just lucky enough that when she’s gets like this her magic radiates like the sun.
I just have to think, pacing in the same spot won’t do me much good. I’ve kept my personal light as dim as possible. I’m sorta glad she never installed the magic lamps down this far. With a light flap of my wings I peeked over the bookcase trying to get a glimpse of her magical aura. Phew, she’s a few sections down. That’s gives me some time to rest.
I’ve been playing high stakes Hide-and-Seek with the Princess for the last thirty minutes. With a heavy sigh, I let my body relax and slide down the side of the shelves. “Something told me not to go in there.”
“No, I told you,” A voice whispered into my ear, I didn’t get the chance to yelp before a dark hoof covered my mouth. My eyes darted over, thank goodness it was just Luna. “I told you if she placed it there with a lock you shouldn’t go in.”
After moving her hoof from my mouth, I wanted to chastise her for giving me such a startle. Though from the look on her face she was enjoying all this, a bit too much for my liking. “It said alicorn. Al-i-corn.” I even ruffled my wings for added emphasis. “How was I supposed to know those pic-mmf.” I groaned around Luna’s hoof as it was quickly stuffed into my mouth.
“Oh, no you don’t. I don’t want to know what was in my sister’s private archives.” She moved back before I was able to protest and sailed up into the air, seeming to vanish into the darkness. I’d think that was much cooler if the bright light rounding the corner didn’t send my body into panic mode.
I turned to run but bumped into an even brighter light source, looking up to see Princess Celestia’s eyes boring into me. Wait...that’s not right. Chancing a glance behind me I saw a miniature sun floating around like a patrolling sentinel. That’s not fair. Though, I have to say that is a very interesting style of magic. Perhaps when I’m not being hunted she could show me the spell for it.
Hearing Celestia clear her throat was more than enough to pull me back to my predicament. Her gaze was calmer than I expected, especially since looking directly at her right now was sure to cause eye damage without proper shielding. I wonder if--“You will tell me everything you saw in there Twilight.” Her voice is a lot cooler than her appearance gives off.
“Well...you know. Just a few posters, some books. A couple magazines. I didn’t look around too much.” She’s glaring at me harder. It probably didn’t help that most of those magazines were in the back off that room past the film.
“And?” She’s tapping her hoof now, I don’t know what else she wants from me. If she turns up the heat anymore these books are going to be ruined. I’ve got to think of something to calm her down.
“A-and. A lot of those poses were very flattering for a mare your size.” There, a compliment outta...oh…
Uh...Oh...
Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. I know exactly how I got in this situation, but still. It shouldn’t be totally my fault. I mean, I’m an alicorn now, and that section in the castle’s archives specifically said “Alicorn Private Archives.” I was just curious because I’d forgotten all about that section since the last time I saw it, when I was still studying under Princess Celestia. I mean, I couldn’t check it out then because I was short one pair of wings.
My body tensed hearing the Princess’s voice boom across the passageways, “Twilight Sparkle! I know these archives like the back of my ungilded hoof. You may have lived in them, but I built them! You will reveal yourself!”
I’m far back in the archives now, the section that leads beneath the castle to the older tomes. I come here every couple weeks or so, normally to just gather a few of the copied collections. You can never have enough books for your own library you know.
And now, I sit here trembling against the Agricultural section pressed up against...Ooo, BuckWheat’s Guide to Controlling the Earth Magic Within...I’ll have to grab th-Focus Twilight. Princess Celestia is gaining. I’m just lucky enough that when she’s gets like this her magic radiates like the sun.
I just have to think, pacing in the same spot won’t do me much good. I’ve kept my personal light as dim as possible. I’m sorta glad she never installed the magic lamps down this far. With a light flap of my wings I peeked over the bookcase trying to get a glimpse of her magical aura. Phew, she’s a few sections down. That’s gives me some time to rest.
I’ve been playing high stakes Hide-and-Seek with the Princess for the last thirty minutes. With a heavy sigh, I let my body relax and slide down the side of the shelves. “Something told me not to go in there.”
“No, I told you,” A voice whispered into my ear, I didn’t get the chance to yelp before a dark hoof covered my mouth. My eyes darted over, thank goodness it was just Luna. “I told you if she placed it there with a lock you shouldn’t go in.”
After moving her hoof from my mouth, I wanted to chastise her for giving me such a startle. Though from the look on her face she was enjoying all this, a bit too much for my liking. “It said alicorn. Al-i-corn.” I even ruffled my wings for added emphasis. “How was I supposed to know those pic-mmf.” I groaned around Luna’s hoof as it was quickly stuffed into my mouth.
“Oh, no you don’t. I don’t want to know what was in my sister’s private archives.” She moved back before I was able to protest and sailed up into the air, seeming to vanish into the darkness. I’d think that was much cooler if the bright light rounding the corner didn’t send my body into panic mode.
I turned to run but bumped into an even brighter light source, looking up to see Princess Celestia’s eyes boring into me. Wait...that’s not right. Chancing a glance behind me I saw a miniature sun floating around like a patrolling sentinel. That’s not fair. Though, I have to say that is a very interesting style of magic. Perhaps when I’m not being hunted she could show me the spell for it.
Hearing Celestia clear her throat was more than enough to pull me back to my predicament. Her gaze was calmer than I expected, especially since looking directly at her right now was sure to cause eye damage without proper shielding. I wonder if--“You will tell me everything you saw in there Twilight.” Her voice is a lot cooler than her appearance gives off.
“Well...you know. Just a few posters, some books. A couple magazines. I didn’t look around too much.” She’s glaring at me harder. It probably didn’t help that most of those magazines were in the back off that room past the film.
“And?” She’s tapping her hoof now, I don’t know what else she wants from me. If she turns up the heat anymore these books are going to be ruined. I’ve got to think of something to calm her down.
“A-and. A lot of those poses were very flattering for a mare your size.” There, a compliment outta...oh…
Uh...Oh...
Luna sneaking up on Twilight seems odd, and vanishing into thin air like she does doesn't make much sense.
Some of the dialogue should be tweaked, and the "past the film" line isn't clear.
The last line would be better as something like Oh no. or Oh dear. or Uh-oh. than to have it peter out with ellipses.
Some of the dialogue should be tweaked, and the "past the film" line isn't clear.
The last line would be better as something like Oh no. or Oh dear. or Uh-oh. than to have it peter out with ellipses.
Genre: Comedy
Thoughts: I like the central joke. I like the atmosphere of the library and of the pony hunting for the other pony.
The biggest thing that holds this back is that it switches between past and present tense. The next biggest thing is that the central character's strong internal voice doesn't remain as distinct during their narration. The action is a bit confusing at points, and I think Luna is under-utilized.
Still, the things that worked are pretty good.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: I like the central joke. I like the atmosphere of the library and of the pony hunting for the other pony.
The biggest thing that holds this back is that it switches between past and present tense. The next biggest thing is that the central character's strong internal voice doesn't remain as distinct during their narration. The action is a bit confusing at points, and I think Luna is under-utilized.
Still, the things that worked are pretty good.
Tier: Needs work
I saw a comic with a somewhat similar punchline recently.
That said, the real issue with this story is that I’m kind of confused about what exactly is going on. At the end, she seems to imply they’re not in her private archive at the moment, but it sounded like that was where she was. Luna’s appearance and disappearance didn’t feel very well anchored. And the confusion stopped me from building up to the punchline, as I was busily trying to figure out what exactly was going on in the scene.
That said, the real issue with this story is that I’m kind of confused about what exactly is going on. At the end, she seems to imply they’re not in her private archive at the moment, but it sounded like that was where she was. Luna’s appearance and disappearance didn’t feel very well anchored. And the confusion stopped me from building up to the punchline, as I was busily trying to figure out what exactly was going on in the scene.
I have to wonder, how often does Celestia see the back of her ungilded hoof? She wears her shoes to bed.
Ellipses imply a rather long pause and drag down the tense scene a little. Commas and em dashes are your friends there.
That was genuinely amusing, and the mini-sun is a fascinating idea. However, the bit with Luna spoiled the grand reveal and didn’t really add much in exchange. The narrative slips into past tense now and again, the occasional colloquialisms don’t sound right for Twilight, and a few proofreading fumbles slipped through the cracks. Plus, as TD noted, it’s not really clear where the private archives end and the rest of the stacks begin.
Still, you definitely have a strong base. Clean it up, keep the truth vague, and give Luna a reason to be there beyond saying “I told you so,” and you’ll vastly improve this.
Ellipses imply a rather long pause and drag down the tense scene a little. Commas and em dashes are your friends there.
That was genuinely amusing, and the mini-sun is a fascinating idea. However, the bit with Luna spoiled the grand reveal and didn’t really add much in exchange. The narrative slips into past tense now and again, the occasional colloquialisms don’t sound right for Twilight, and a few proofreading fumbles slipped through the cracks. Plus, as TD noted, it’s not really clear where the private archives end and the rest of the stacks begin.
Still, you definitely have a strong base. Clean it up, keep the truth vague, and give Luna a reason to be there beyond saying “I told you so,” and you’ll vastly improve this.
Hmm. I'm genuinely undecided about this one. On the one (ungilded) hoof it's an amusing premise, with lots of potential, and there are some neat little moments on offer (the sun drone being one such example, though I certainly hope all aspects of it are reduced by the same, if not greater, rate). On the other, the tense is all over the place, the reveal is partially revealed too early, and Luna only seems to be present to verbally acknowledge the prompt.
This did also feel more like the type of situation a filly 'I'm going through that phase where I believe everyone's hype about me, and I'm totally ready for that secret library' Twilight might have gotten herself involved in, but it was amusing nevertheless. Thanks for sharing.
This did also feel more like the type of situation a filly 'I'm going through that phase where I believe everyone's hype about me, and I'm totally ready for that secret library' Twilight might have gotten herself involved in, but it was amusing nevertheless. Thanks for sharing.
Speaking of "give a story one major break from reality for free, to see what it does with the idea" ... I have so many questions about your premise, author. But this doesn't seem like the sort of story where the premise is supposed to make logical sense.
Unfortunately, it's running on a little too much Rule of Cool and/or fanservice for me. Twilight saying things out loud while she's trying to be stealthy just so Luna can pop up and surprise her. The aforementioned premise of Celestia's ambiguously labeled room of dirty selfies. The character destruction comedy of her flipping out about it.
There are moments when the Rule of Cool coalesces. I do like the little feint of the sun orb; I just wish it didn't feel out of place with the idiot balling required for the plot to work. Overall, I feel a lot like I do when I walk out of an average summer blockbuster movie, where it was full of spectacle and if I'd been able to turn my brain off I might have even enjoyed it, but it was just asking me to overlook too much in the plot department.
Tier: Almost There
Unfortunately, it's running on a little too much Rule of Cool and/or fanservice for me. Twilight saying things out loud while she's trying to be stealthy just so Luna can pop up and surprise her. The aforementioned premise of Celestia's ambiguously labeled room of dirty selfies. The character destruction comedy of her flipping out about it.
There are moments when the Rule of Cool coalesces. I do like the little feint of the sun orb; I just wish it didn't feel out of place with the idiot balling required for the plot to work. Overall, I feel a lot like I do when I walk out of an average summer blockbuster movie, where it was full of spectacle and if I'd been able to turn my brain off I might have even enjoyed it, but it was just asking me to overlook too much in the plot department.
Tier: Almost There
Just a Simple Book Run - B+ - A few little grammar errors, but interesting, and holds interest through the story. Didn’t really fascinate me, though. Love the concept of Celestia and Luna able to outsmart Twilight, since it *is* their own library, after all, and Twi ‘shopping’ for her own collection. I can see her at the Crystal Empire Library now, saying, “Cadence won’t miss this thirty-seven volume collection of history, will she?”